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Night Avenger
20th November 2005, 2:45 PM
Prologue:

Hello, I suppose you don't know me, my name is Jack, I'm 13 years old and I live in a Pokémon Ranch, the Lone Lone Pokémon Ranch, one of the most famous ranches in all the world. Today, our Cacturne was attacked by a Murkrow flock that wanted to steal the corn, thank God that Manectric helped him. The Tauros and Miltank are okay, the Ponytas too, but dad took Rapidash to a long, long trip. The Mareep and Flaaffy keep feeding in the hills, being watched by our Manectrics, who keep Mightyenas and other Pokémon away. Mom keeps feeding the Torchics and the Dodrio, she says that a few Blazikens could help a little with the work at the ranch. I really want to start a Pokémon adventure, like that guy, Ash... I read at the newspaper that he has gone from Kanto to Hoenn (wow what a long trip!!). I just want to move here, in my own region. I have a dream of becoming a Pokémon Master, meeting new friends, searching for new pokémon, training my own Pokémon to win in the Pokémon League. Sometimes I even dream that I would meet someone that could be my, well, my girlfriend... Oh I forgot to tell you, I live in Jaken, a region full of Kanto, Johto and Hoenn Pokémon.

Haunter
20th November 2005, 2:49 PM
Short, the POV didn't help, and it would be "thank God," not "thanks God."

It was bad, ok?

You should get rid of the "My name is..." "I am..." and whatnot. Think it out better.


And the anime isn't the best thing to base a fanfic on, imo.

Night Avenger
20th November 2005, 3:02 PM
Short, the POV didn't help, and it would be "thank God," not "thanks God."

It was bad, ok?

You should get rid of the "My name is..." "I am..." and whatnot. Think it out better.


And the anime isn't the best thing to base a fanfic on, imo.
And how do I put his name and his age?

Haunter
20th November 2005, 3:08 PM
Very easily.

Here's an example.

"A boy was busy doing some kind of farm work. He seemed to be around fourteen or fifteen years old and he had short brown hair and was wearing denim.

A voice called him. "Jack! Get out here!" the boy, Jack, stopped what he was doing and answered the call."

Is that really so hard?

And if you reply with: "and how do I say that [this happened]?"

this is how.

"There was a commotion outside the barn. There was a flock of murkrow attacking a cacturne. It seemed that they wanted to get at the corn. Suddenly, as if from nowhere, a manectric attacked the mukrow flock with a thunderbolt.

The miltank and tauros in the next field over seemed fine, and so were most of the ponyta.

A rapidash, though, had to be put down as it sustained injuries."

That works much better than yours.

Night Avenger
20th November 2005, 3:10 PM
If I want to do it like, auto-narrated?

Haunter
20th November 2005, 3:12 PM
What? A third-person POV like the one I used in my examples is what most people use and usually only a skilled author can pull off first-person POV well.

Check out some of the other fanfictions here to see what I mean.

Psychic
20th November 2005, 3:26 PM
The problem with your story is that you wrote it as if it was a diary. I don't know, maybe it is. Maybe Jack writes in this diary every day. If he does, them make it SEEM like a diary entry.
A good way to do this would also be adding in scene. Here's an example:
Hey, diary, it's me, Betty, again. Today we had a big scare-a Tauros got out of its enclosure! Wow, you should have seen that thing, tossing its horned head around, making its brown mane shake as it snorted, pawing the ground impatiently. It wasn't easy trying to catch it! You should have seen us; me, Mom, Dad and Eli with our lassos, trying to get close enough to catch it. Eli was first to go, as he swung his looped rope in the air, however, that Tauros charged at him, its three skinny tails flapping behind it!
See? I was able to add some description and actually make it like a scene. That's the kind of thing you could try. Something along the lines of that, anyways.


Anyways, that wasn't much of a Prologue. I'd say it was mroe of a chapter, but a chapter must be at least a page long on Microsoft Word, which I'm guessing you didn't use.

Just go read the FanFiction Rules and Advise for As[iring Auhtors before you continue, all right? They're both Stickied, so you can't miss them.

~Psychic

Night Avenger
20th November 2005, 4:30 PM
Well thanks for your advice

Night Avenger
21st November 2005, 10:17 PM
Chapter 1: The Nightmare & the Beginning of the Trip

The same nightmare keeps tormenting me; a Houndoom pack enters the ranch and begins destroying everything. All the pokemon run, terrorized. Mom takes me with her to the basement, but, suddenly I get out. A Houndoom turns and looks at me, then… I wake up.
A Miltank has given birth to a Tauros. I don’t know why people are the only live beings that appear directly from our mother, I mean all pokemon appear from eggs. I’m also very jealous of those guys at school that have their own pokemon and don’t have to take rental ones. I mean, I like Boney, the Cubone I always rent, but, why can’t I have a pokemon of my own too?
I told mom about this but she said that when the time comes I will get my own pokemon. I’ve been waiting for a long time (aren’t 13 years enough for her?), but all that I get is a:
"When the time comes…" Gee, I’m getting really sick of that.
By the way, a Haunter entered the house. I thought it would be cool to have a ghost at home, but it sucks. His only occupations are stealing food and scaring us. Mom bought a Kadabra to get rid of him, but he was defeated so many times that he escaped.
I’ve got an A at school and mom gave me a Torchic and the baby Tauros as a prize, yeah my first two pokemon, this is so cool. I’ve taught Torchic how to do Ember and Peck, he already knew Scratch and Growl. I’ve also taught Tauros Headbutt and Stomp, he already knew Tackle and Tail Whip. By the way, I’ve challenged a guy at school to a Double Battle, I’m sure Torchic and Tauros will do well.
I won the battle. He sent an Ivysaur and a Stantler. Torchic begun with an ember to Ivysaur, Tauros and Stantler were both attacking each other with Headbutt. Ivysaur used Vine Whip to trap Torchic, but Tauros left Stantler and with a Stomp he left Ivysaur knocked out. Torchic used Ember and left Stantler burnt.Tauros used Tail Whip and Stantler was really angry. He run towards Tauros but he dodged him. Stantler hit a tree. He falled.
“Stantler can’t continue, I win!” I shouted. Everybody was really excited, “Jack! Jack! Jack!” was the only thing that could be heard at school.
That night it occurred. The nightmare was taking place. The Houndooms entered the house and started burning everything. Mom took me with her to the basement.
“Mom, I’ve got to stop them!”
“No, you won’t, you’ll stay with me here!”
“I’m going!” then I went out. A Houndoom looked at me.
“This is gonna be hard” I thought. Houndoom attacked Torchic with bite, Tauros used Stomp and took the Houndoom to the floor, he turned and used Flamethrower. Torchic attacked with Peck to stop him. Tauros was really hurt but he wanted to continue. I told him to come back but instead he attacked Houndoom with Headbutt (his favorite attack). Houndoom howled. Another Houndoom came, but a Houndour joined our team, it was odd, suddenly he jumped out of nowhere and bit the new Houndoom. A combinated attack did the trick. Torchic with Peck, Houndour with Bite and Tauros with Stomp. The second Houndoom fainted. The other one looked at the attack. Then he took his fainted friend, howled and all the other Houndooms fled. As soon as this finished I threw a pokéball to the Houndour. I caught him, I caught my first wild pokemon!
When we finished turning of the fire, mom called me.
“I can repair this but I want you to have this…” she gave me a pokéball belt, a medal box and a backpack full of clothes and money.
“You can go now… Make me proud!” she said, I was really happy,
“Thanks mom!” was the only thing I could say. The next morning I crossed the ranch doors, sure that I wasn’t going to return in a long, long time.


Current Jack's team:
;255; ;128; ;228;

Night Avenger
26th November 2005, 4:44 PM
Chapter 2: The Rebel Houndour and the Adventure of Love

I knew that the first thing I should do was get a Pokedex. Suddenly, out of a bush, a little boy jumped in front of me.
“Let’s battle! I know you’ve got pokémon, I’ve seen your pokéballs!”
“O.K. I’m just starting, but I’m warning you I’m good.”
“O.K. let’s start! Go Ratatta!”
“Go Torchic!” Rattata used Hyper Fang, it was a One-hit-K.O. Then I sent Houndour.
“Houndour, Bite!” He used ember instead. Ratatta fainted.
“Hey Houndour I told you to use Bite, not Ember!” He looked at me and growled. Then the little boy sent out a Squirtle.
“Squirtle, Bubblebeam!” A Bubblebeam hit Houndour, He growled and attacked with Bite to Squirtle, which used Defense Curl and hid in his shell. He howled in pain.
“Houndour come back!” He used Headbutt and sent Squirtle in his shell, spinning towards a tree. He came out of the shell really dizzy, he fainted. Houndour was really angry.
“Go, Smeargle!” Smeargle rushed towards Houndour and used Double Kick, then he used Water Pulse, then Iron Tail and left Houndour howling in pain. Houndour turned back and used Flamethrower, he learned Flamethrower in his anger! Smeargle fell.
“Smeargle, Sketch! Now, Flamethrower!” He used Flamethrower and Houndour fainted.
“What was that? A Smeargle is a Normal Type; he can’t learn all those attacks!”
“He can, if you learn how to use Sketch. It’s an attack that copies the last attack made to him. You’ve helped me complete the best Sketched moves combination!”
“O.K. then let’s see if you can beat Tauros!” Tauros used Headbutt and knocked Smeargle out.
“Wow, you’re a very good trainer! I want you to have this PokéNav. Register me in, my number is 2230- 9978, my name is Johnny. Let’s see if our paths cross again. Bye!”
“Well, thanks and… bye!” I walked for an hour till I saw a city.
“It must be Silverlake city!” I thought. When I got there I quickly went to the Pokecenter.
“Hi, I’m Nurse Joey, may I help you?”
“Yes, can you cure my pokémon, please? And, can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, sure. What happened?”
“I don’t know, I was battling and my Houndour just ignored my orders!”
“He must have a disobedient nature, don’t worry, he’ll obey you as soon as you win a Gym Leader Badge.”
“And where do I find a Gym Leader?”
“In this city, at the left of the Pokélab is the first Jaken Gym. Go there and be sure to use fire pokemon, it’s a grass gym. The leader is Rosie, a girl of your age.”
“Gee thanks.”
“You’re welcome, and here are your Pokémon!”
“Well, as I said, thanks, and good-bye!” When I found the Pokélab I saw the Gym. It was a building covered in flowers and with palm trees around it. No doubt, it’s a Grass Type Gym! I entered the Pokélab, and found prof. Chirck looking through a microscope. She was beautiful, she could have been an actress, but she dedicated her life to pokemon.
“Hey, Jack! Long time no see!”
“Hello, Miss, I mean prof. Chirck…”
“Ha ha ha, you can call me Miss Chirck if you want!”
“Well, Miss Chirck, I was wandering if you could… Well…”
“Give you a Pokedex? Of course I can, I like to see young men starting and adventure, looking for legendary pokémon, making new friends, and all of that things!”
“Thanks, I’m going to the gym next door! Bye!”
“Well, bye and good luck in your quest!” The Gym battle was really easy. I only used Torchic! She sent Sunkern, with an Ember he fainted. Then she used Chickorita, two Pecks and she fainted, and then came Bulbasaur, Ember and Peck. The last pokémon was the real challenge, Nuzleaf. Torchic used ember, but Nuzleaf used Comet Punch, Torchic fell to the floor. Then he looked at Nuzleaf jumped and begun to shine… Combusken used Double Kick and Nuzleaf fainted. I won the Gym Badge and evolved my Torchic! Rosie said that I was so lucky. I could begin a pokemon quest and she couldn’t.
“I will help you; I know how to make protective parents let you go…”
“You… You’ll do this for me? Thanks a lot!”
“Well don’t get that emotive, this is what we’ll do…”
That night a "burglar" entered Rosie’s house. She defeated him, and he escaped terrorized. The next day, I was sleeping at the Pokecenter when she woke me up. “It worked! It worked! I can go now! Thanks a lot!” and she kissed me. It was my first kiss… all the world disappeared. It was just me and her in that long and unforgettable kiss… a warm feeling filled my body. Then she stood up, looked at me and her face turned red.
“I... It wasn’t… I let my feelings control me, sorry…”
“Don’t worry. I liked it…” I said.
“I liked it too…”
“Would you like to be my… well, my… girlfriend?”
“Of course! I mean, O.K…” I was going to start another adventure… the adventure of love…


Current Jack's Team:
;256; ;128; ;228;
Current Rosie's Team:
;001; ;152; ;191; ;274;

Night Avenger
28th November 2005, 11:27 PM
any reviews?
Please... :(

Anorith
29th November 2005, 10:34 PM
u know that u r doing some spamming with the double and triple posting, right?

Night Avenger
30th November 2005, 4:57 AM
yes, I know... :(

.Person.
30th November 2005, 5:02 AM
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Dragonight
30th November 2005, 5:29 PM
Houndour turned back and used Flamethrower, he learned Flamethrower in his anger!
Good Idea! But u could have made him learn rage!

“He must have a rebel nature, don’t worry, he’ll obey you as soon as you win a Gym Leader Badge.”
Umm.. Try disobidient nature

prof.Chirck looking through a microscope.

Nice name!

Seijiro Mafuné
30th November 2005, 5:51 PM
Um... what does A have to do with Z? The story is nexless!

Night Avenger
30th November 2005, 8:57 PM
Well thanks for the reviews :)

Night Avenger
30th November 2005, 10:40 PM
Chapter 3: The War Between the Prairies & Bulbasaur’s Good bye

Rosie is beautiful, when I see her, a strange feeling appears inside me. It’s not the love I had with my mom, it’s another kind of love… I want her to be with me for all my life!!
We’ve been in a forest (I think it’s called Saphoney Forest) for three long days. I think we’re lost, but Rosie keeps her happiness. We’ve seen lots of Bug Pokémon. When we first saw a Yanma, I thought she was going to run screaming: “A bug! A bug!” But instead she started feeding the Yanma. That dragonfly followed us for two days!! Today I’ve found a Heracross and caught him. He was sucking sap from a tree. I threw a pokéball and he didn’t even notice it!! I caught him at the first try.
We finally got out of the forest. We didn’t notice that at the first time, we where walking ‘till we saw a light. It was a little light at the horizon, but when we came closer we realized that it was a farm. The farmer attended us very well. He gave us a room with two big beds and offered to let our pokémon sleep at the barn. That night at dinner, we felt a little tremor.
“They’ve started again… Why can’t they live in peace?” the farmer said.
“Who?” asked Rosie.
“Who?!! I’ll tell you who!! The Linoones and Furrets!! Since those two pokemon went here, they’ve kept fighting for the territory. I call it “The war between the prairies”. Some people have moved from here because of the damages this war has caused!” He shouted. That night I kept thinking of those pokémon. They should be stopped. But, how? How can someone stop a war? A war between pokémon?
The next morning we went to the prairies, after thanking the farmer and picking our pokémon who were playing at the barn. When we got there all the Linoones and Furrets were lying on the ground. They were all very weak, but when they saw us, they got up and run. Then we left our pokémon out of their pokéballs and got up a tree. Some time passed as the two pokémon races begun to appear. Two enormous armies of Linoones and Furrets appeared. Rosie’s Bulbasaur run to the center of the prairie, the other pokémon didn’t seem to notice that. Then our other pokémon run to help Bulbasaur. The two armies stopped and looked confused to our pokémon. How can they be together if they are so different? Why don’t they fight? I’m sure that was what they thought. Then Bulbasaur began talking with them. After a while our pokemon left the battlefield and the two armies walked towards the other one. Then the Linoones and Furrets began to play, as if they were friends from the beginning. Rosie jumped from the tree and threw a pokéball to a lonely Furret. She caught it.
“Well, I think they’re so cute that I couldn’t resist catching one!!” she said. When we were leaving Bulbasaur run towards Rosie, they were looking and after a minute she said:
“O.K. I understand that your place is here… Go Bulbasaur take care of them!!” she shouted. We were walking and after a long time she began crying… She broke my heart with her tears…
“Why? Why did he left me Jack?” she said.
“You know why… This pokémon needed him more than you need him…”
“But, but…”
“I’m sure he will always remember you.”
“Me too, Jack, me too…”
“I’m sure you will. But, please don’t cry, please, I’m begging you, you’re breaking my heart.”
“O.K.” she said. Some time passed and I said:
“Besides, you’ve got a nerd Furret!!”
“Shut up!!” she said and laughed.
“Where are we going now?” she asked.
“To the Raykahn City.”
“The one with the hyper active Gym leader?”
“Hahaha, yep!”
"Raykahn City, here we go!"


Current Jack's Team:
;256; ;128; ;228; ;214;
Current Rosie's Team:
;152; ;191; ;274; ;162;

Night Avenger
3rd December 2005, 9:12 PM
Chapter 4: Milotic’s Fraud and the Mischievous Gym Leader

We’ve reached the city. Now we’re Training our Pokémon, Rosie’s Furret is very strong! He defeated my Heracross in no time! The battle was like this: Heracross used Megahorn, Furret used Dig, Heracross went up Flying, Furret jumped from the ground and used Thundershock, and then, Heracross fainted. We found a Change-House here, we entered and Rosie was looking for people willing to give any beautiful pokémon when she found a guy advertising a Milotic, he was saying:
“Who doesn’t know Milotic, the most beautiful Pokémon?, when it comes to beauty contests, Milotic is the Pokémon you’re looking for, I’ll exchange one for any Pokémon!” She went there running.
“I’ll give you my Sunkern for that Milotic!”
“O.K. let’s put our pokéballs in position, now press exchange!” A Greatball appeared where Rosie’s pokéball was.
“Go, Milotic!” she said.
“Feebas! Feeeeee!”
“What? A Feebas?! Stop that man, he’s stealing my Sunkern!” But it was too late, the man had already escaped. She keeps giving her Feebas blue Pokéblocks; she says that by doing this she’ll make it a lot more beautiful. I still think Feebas is very ugly…
When we went to the Gym, they said that the Leader, Joey, wasn’t there. We went to look for him at the PokéMall where he should be, as the Gym guardian told us. He wasn’t there. We looked in all the city stores, and we couldn’t find him. Finally the guardian called us:
“This is terrible, our leader Joey has been kidnapped by Team Rocket!! Please, help!”
“We’ve got to help!” said Rosie.
“But where can we find them?” I said.
“We’ll lure them to that hill…” she said, pointing to a hill, not to close from the city. When we reached it, she said:
“Go Milotic!” a Milotic appeared from her pokéball
“What? A Milotic? Since when do you have one?”
“It’s a long story… When you were sleeping something odd occurred. I had given Feebas almost all my blue Pokéblocks until I had only one left. When I gave her the last one… She evolved to Milotic!!”
“And that would lure Team Rocket here, because…”
“Because they’re always looking for rare Pokémon. And Milotic is a rare Pokémon.”
“O.K. now I understand...” Suddenly, out of nowhere, two Rocket grunts appeared.
“Give us your Pokémon and nobody will be harmed!” said the first grunt.
“See what I told you!” said Rosie.
“Yeah, I see. You’ll have to take our Pokémon by the force!”
“Haha, I knew you would say that!” said the second Rocket.
“Go Combusken!”
“Go Furret!”
“Go Sableye!”
“Go Mawile!”
“Combusken, Double Kick!”
“Furret, Dig!”
“Mawile, catch Combusken’s feet with Bite!”
“Sableye, use Swift to Furret!” Furret appeared and was hit by Sableye’s Swift.
“Furret, Thundershock! Then Slam him with your Tail!” Sableye was hit and fainted.
“Combusken, Ember to Mawile, she’s a Steel Pokémon!” Mawile couldn’t escape and was defeated.
“Now tell us where you have Joey!”
“Joey? Who is Joey?”
“Come on don’t tell me you don’t know him. The little guy you kidnapped!”
“Kidnap? Us? I’m sure that we steal pokémon but we could never kidnap a little kid!” suddenly my PokéNav began to ring.
“Hello, who is it?”
“It’s me, the Gym guardian. Joey was never kidnapped by Team Rocket, that mischievous boy… Sorry for the inconvenients Jack…”
“WHAT! HE TRICKED US?! TELL HIM THAT I’M GOING THERE! AND HE SHOULD BE SCARED!” shouted Rosie.
“I’m not scared!” said a little voice.
“YOU SHOULD!” she took my PokéNav and yelled:
“DID YOU HEAR ME?!”
“Yes…”
“DID YOU HEAR ME?!!!”
“Yes!” then she closed the PokéNav. When we looked, the Rockets were gone. We walked all the way to the city again and when we reached the Gym, Joey was waiting for us at the door.
“Sorry for all the problems I gave ya… I’m eight years old! Sorry… I want you to have this…” he handed us two medals.
“Thanks.” I said.
“Thanks? We deserved this!” Rosie said angrily.
“Well, I said sorry so please don’t hit me!” A Granbull suddenly appeared and tried to attack Rosie.
“Bully, come back! Sorry, he’s my best pokémon in this Normal-Type Gym so he is a little protective…”
“Don’t worry!!” I said. “Rosie, let’s go to the next city!”
“O.k. we’re now going to… Secht City!”
“O.K. then, Secht City, what Gym Leader is there?”
“Zoey, the Flying-Type Gym Leader!”
“O.K. then, Zoey, prepare for two big battles!”
"Which we'll surely win!"


Current Jack's Team:
;256; ;128; ;228; ;214;
Current Rosie's Team:
;152; ;274; ;162; ;350;

Power Shot
5th December 2005, 2:05 AM
Oh, this needs work. Your discription was terrible, the most important part of the story, because you felt the need to assume that your audience knows what you're talking about. They may not, so you must never leave a discription out that is of importance to the story.

Your fic does not leap off the page to me, it has very little soul from an outsider's point of view. You need to put passion into your writing, or you will never succeed in telling the story you want to tell. You must always have soul and discription put into your work, or you will not become a good writer.

Continue to improve your writing, even I need work. Everyone does, so never take it badly when you are told to work on something.

Night Avenger
5th December 2005, 2:09 AM
Thanks for reviewing, and I'll have that in mind for the next chapter :)

Ledian_X
5th December 2005, 2:12 AM
After reading this story, I've come to the conclusion that you may need to seek the help of people in the advice threads in the Author's cafe in order to rethink the story. You have some talent but you are in need of being descriptive in order to get a clear image in the reader's head. Right now, as it stands I am not getting a clear image of things. Also, It's probably not a good idea to post smilies in the post as it gets annoying and very distracting to the reader.

LX

Night Avenger
5th December 2005, 2:14 AM
(Taking Notes)
Description... Author's Cafe... Ask for advice... Smilies... Got it!!
Thanks

ImJessieTR
5th December 2005, 2:54 AM
My review...

This does read like a bunch of journal entries. However, I disagree that it's necessarily a bad thing. The Diary of Anne Frank is an example of a famous book that is just a bunch of journal entries.

There seems to be so little emotion. As the young rancher was watching the battle with the murkrow and manetric, or the kadabra and the haunter -- the kid should have been feeling something, because I'm sure his pokemon did. Something along the lines of: The kadabra had been sitting cross-legged in the kitchen, completely still, not even breathing visibly -- all to lure the ghost pokemon. Sure enough, the haunter, unable to bear a pokemon that ignored it, playfully licked the psychic pokemon's face. Although I could see shivers running up kadabra's spine, the psychic pokemon kept a straight face. However, its fingers were beginning to rub the lone spoon in its hand. The haunter, growing more and more visibly irritated, used its powers to levitate the kadabra close to the ceiling fan. My mother and I gasped. ... and so on... Readers need to know not just a character's behavior and physical description, but also their interior motivations.

I'll go ahead and be honest. While I think that this fic so far is okay, I personally appreciate more complex plots than this. I was kinda hoping that the obsessive dreams about houndoom would have led to something deeper than just foretelling the houndour's capture (although you still have time to make this a deeper story without changing the beginning chapters). Like I said, it's not bad, but it isn't great either. But practice can fix that.

Night Avenger
5th December 2005, 3:18 AM
Thanks, I'll now be more "descriptive" :D

Magi of all
5th December 2005, 4:44 AM
You requested a review. Your wish is my command. *Magical girl transformation*
Magical Girl Mighty Magi (This is so wrong seeing as how I’m a guy)

Anyway, since I review by chapter I may as well get started

Ch 1: Not reviewing your prologue to save space, but it seriously needs work. If you want to write in diary sequence, you need to include things in different days. However, I would suggest you make it in third person. To begin, your first paragraph seems to flow very awkwardly. You go directly form a dream to a birth to jealousy over not having a pokèmon. If the dream is important then it should get a lot more description and at least two paragraphs. While we are on the subject, your paragraphs should always have a space between them. This keeps the eyes from being confused and skipping lines of dialogue that might be important. Next up, the part about Haunter being in the house is very pointless. It’s kind of like an anime filler and those are a no-no in fiction. Events should take place for a reason and advance the story in some way, be it major or minor. Also, when you say he was defeated so many times he escaped, we have little idea who you are talking about. It could be Haunter or Kadabra, no one knows.

Your first pokèmon sequence is really kind of bland. First you have your character whine about not getting pokèmon and then you have him just pass it off like its nothing. Another problem is your attack list. Pokemon don’t just learn attacks instantly, it takes time

On to the battles. Both of them are bland and boring. Pokemon use attacks almost in turn and the attacks have no description. I could do the same thing with tiny toys and have the same effect. It’s really bad. Also, Stantler should have fainted, not falled. Your other fight was equally bad. A Torchic, Tauros, and Houndour could probably not defeat a Houndoom pack, not without a lot of luck and grave injuries. Another problem is Houndour’s random appearance. It really needs an explanation. All in all, this chapter sucked. His Moms acceptance of his departure is also kind of random and weird.

Ch 2: A trainer jumped out of the bushes? People don’t just stand around like in the game. Other trainers move around, they walk with friends, they run out of the woods while looking for pokèmon. They don’t wait in bushes to ambush random trainers. The battle was just really bad, same as the last chapters. Torchic loses in one hit, then Houndour fights three battles in a row, getting hit by multiple super effective attacks. After just fainting, Tauros. Also, dizziness does not cause something to faint, but it could have made it more vulnerable. Also, why in the world would Johnny just give up a pokenav to a random stranger? Something must be wrong with his head. The professor scene was weird, when did he ever meet her and why did she insist on the lack of a title.

The gym battle was really bland and stupid. One hit K.O.s are really cheap and stupid. The scene afterward was really just dumb. It really needs work. The relation seems rushed and forced. No part of it makes sense. People don’t just randomly love people. It’s really irrational.

Ch 3: Pointless filler based on the worst filler in Jhoto. If you revise this, (which I recommend,) remove this chapter and put in something original. Nothing else to say about this bland and pointless chapter.

Ch. 4: Milotic just randomly evolving is pointless. Why would she have a bunch of random blue pokeblocks laying around. It makes not sense at all.

I really think you should rewrite your fic as soon as possible. You really need to work on your writing. Read advice for aspiring authors and any high rated fic in the Forum. It could be a good fic, but it needs a LOT of work.

P.S. Sorry if I came off as angry and mean, but I have had a rough day.

Klaus
5th December 2005, 5:15 AM
I'm here with the Review you ask for. And....i'm sorry to say that your description wasn't very good and you need to space out everthing. Grammer was ok.

Like other's say, it does seem like a bunch of journal entries. I
think you might want to go the authers cafe' and get help or
read other peoples fic. It really wasn't that good. I'm soo Sorry.

As always, be kind to the mime.