View Full Version : The beggining of a new fanfic

20th November 2005, 4:56 PM
This is a new fanfic I have created please rate as i am never usually good at writing fanfics it will run like a series and if I get good ratings i'll add profiles.

The beginning of a new.
It’s 7 in the morning at the house of Masu in Littleroot town and the 12 year old green haired, tall figure of John Masu runs out of his house his silver jeans gleaming inb the morning sun as he ran down the road to Oak’s lab where the new professor has taken over.

The reason John wanted to be a trainer was because the fabled hero “Gem” had once visited the town and had shown him some technique in battling. John was determined to meet his hero again and battle him.

John entered the lab he starded into the face of the professor. Prof. Beech was a fairly young new proffesor though you would never know this because his face is lined with wrinkels and scars after years of being an elite trainer he was one of the main hero's in the bagon crisis he was missing one leg and always wore a white lab coat he is also the uncle of John.
“Prof Beech I have come for my pokemon.”
“Just in time John I have been saving this pokemon for you.”
“Thank you professor what is it?”
“It’s the same as Gem’s first pokemon.”
“You mean it’s a bagon but I thought they got wiped out?”
“They did. I rescued a bagon before the evil lords of darkness destroyed them and breeded it soon I can let them out into the wild this is the senthenth egg this week.”
"Proffesor whats so bad about the lords of darkness?"

The professor sunk into a day dream he dreamed he was back at the bagon crisis his years of battling the lords of darkness and ther minions. There were 16 lords each with a specialist type. The strongest of them and leader was the dragon lord the professor remembered when he faced the laeder he remebered his face hidden by the shadows. All that was visible was his scars and a mouth that never smiled he had asked the dragon lord why he was killing the bagon all the dragon lord said was it's part of my plan before his salamence hit the proffesor with a hyper beam knocking off his leg.
"Professor are you all right?"
"Yes John to answer your question ten years ago a group of 12 people each with a special skill joined forces they started killing of pokemon for no known reason now at least ten more pokemon are extinct."
"Wow do you thing i'll meet them."
"Chances are high they always look fgor trainers so they can steal there pokemon, that is why you must take lots of care of bagon."
Prof Beech handed over the pokeball.
“Okay I can finally begin my journey GO BAGON!"
A bagon with a red scar on it right eye emerged.
John named it draco.
Draco danced when he heard his new name
“He really likes that name John and he really seems to like you."
Draco was hugging John's leg.
“A little too much!”
As John left the building a boy jumped from the roof. The boy was red-haired and always smiled he had a numel to his right.
“Not bad that bagons cool.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Marty I just got my pokemon as well let’s battle GO NUMEL!”
"Fine with me bagon lets do this."
Marty told his numel to use headbutt, the numel's headbutt hit Draco and knocked him back.
"Thats a pretty strong pokemon but so is bagon!"
"Yeah right my father is leader of the cinnibar gym. He's just taken over!"
John told his Draco to use headbutt the numel was flown onto it's back. Marty then told is numel to use ember for a dragon type the ember seemed to hurt Draco, Draco got really mad then and used a strong headbutt numel nearly go knocked over the numel used one final move headbutt again John told Draco to do the same numel got knocked out and Draco nearly fainted. Draco danced in happiness when he saw what he did they laughted when they saw what they could do together.
As john started walking Right behind him Marty gritted his teeth and swore he'd have his revenge against his RIVAL!

King of the Munchlax
20th November 2005, 6:31 PM
Almost Average is a nice way of putting this fic.

First of all, description isn't in this fic in anyway what so ever. I have absoultey no clue what your charcters look like and I felt that there were quite a few grammer mistakes.

Secondly, the length ws a bit to short. The way it is writen maybe very hard to read in the future and I got lost once or twice. Also, it wasn't very deep and complex in feeling like some other fics I have read.

Overall: 3/10
One Star

20th November 2005, 6:49 PM
Wow, this isn't even a chapter. It's some lines. First of all dont center your chapters like that. Type normally double spacing for each paragraph. And a chapter has to be typed on Microsoft Word and AT LEAST one page in length.

Second of there was almost no description at all. What does john look like? What does Prof Beech look like? How old was he, how tall was he, etc.

Third, don't put anything in brackets. Add them to the dialouge. Make Prof Beech go through a memory of how the dark lords came together or something.

You didn't even tell us what region they're in? He gets a bagon, then some kid who just started his journey has a charmander? Did you make the region up?

This punctuation is bad and grammar is bad aswell. Read the Fanfic rules (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=30002) hen read the Advice for aspring authors thread (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=30002) so you get get better.

20th November 2005, 7:19 PM
My. Lord. What is the FanFic Forum coming to?
Go...follow the links given by the above poster. They should teach you a thing or two about writing here. >.<

Ok, first rule. Don't center the text. It's terrible and is annoying to read. Only center text for titles and such.
Second rule; skip TWO LINES for every new paragraph. This makes it more legible.
Third rule. Re-read your work and ask yourself if it actually makes sense.

Hoo boy, here we go:

DO NOT TELL A STORY THROUGH PEOPLE TALKING (ie dialogue). It is terrible and sounds horrible. This is what description is for. Description is your friend. Description wants you to use it. If you use description, it will be happy. Description always likes telling people what things look like. You want to use description to tell people what things look like. YOU MUST TELL US WHAT EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE.
So, here we have a boy named John Masu. So, what does he look like? Does he wear tight leather pants with a silver chain for a belt? Does he wear and army shirt with a calculator sticking out of the breast pocket? Does he wear fishnet stockings on his hands? Is his blue hair in a mohawk? Did someone remove his eyes? IS his skin pink?
Is professor Beech wearing clown shoes and a green and yellow Hawaiian tourist shirt? Is he wearing a Santa Clause hat?
What is a Bagon? Is it like a little orange elephant that fits in the palm of your hand? Does it have tentacles growing out of its seven knees?


Ok, so we have this random guy named Gem. Who the Hell is he and why are they talking about him?
A Bagon for a starter? WTF? You don't give a starting trainer such a powerful Pok&#233;mon. It's so dumb.
The lords of darkness? Again, WTF? Why would they go around killing Bagon? Honestly. Why? And HOW would a professor save one? And WHY would he give it away to some stupid random trainer? The reasonable thing to do is keep it and breed it. Duh.
Riiight. A man jumped off the building. And he has a Charmander. WTF. One kid gets a powerful Bagon, the other a mediocre Charmander. What an idiot of a professor. And you wanna tell us anything about this kid? How old is he? What does he look like?

Yup, this fic was crappy. Lack of rule-reading=idiocy. It wasn't close to a page long, therefore breaking a rule. So smart.


20th November 2005, 7:26 PM
Too short, too predictable I suggest you go back and improve chapter one before this fic gets closed...

20th November 2005, 8:06 PM
I have changed it a bit now.

20th November 2005, 9:53 PM

Oh dear, you need alot of help if you're gonna write. First*whips out a whip and cracks it at writer* GET AN ORIGINAL THINGY.


Its 12 0 clock at the house of Masu in pallet town and the 12 year old green haired, tall figure of John Masu runs out of his house and down the road to Oaks lab where the new professor has taken over.

What times is again? Oh, it's time to get a proofreader. 12 0 isn't a time.

PROFESSOR BEECH ey?! Well, we don't know what this man looks like now do we.

The professor sunk into a day dream he remembered his years of battling the lords of darkness and ther minions. There were 16 lords each with a specialist type. The strongest of them and leader was the dragon lord the professor remembered when he faced the lord he remebered his face hidden by the shadows. All that was visible was his scars and a mouth that never smiled.

Aw, poor man, we didn't even get to see his day dream. GOSH!

I am sorry, but this wasn't a fic, chapter nor short story. It was a paragraph a really long paragraph. It wasn't that good. I'm sorry but this one might
get closed. Sorry.

As always, be kind to the mime.

21st November 2005, 12:28 AM
Ugh...this is no better than your other one. Honestly, this actually looks messier than your first attempt.

Looking at that junk you typed up, it reminds me of my brother's room. In his room if you leave a pencil in there, you'll never fing it again. That how messy this fic looks.

Everytime a new person speaks, you skip two lines, not three. Also did you even bother to look at the rules and advice? I gave you those links for a reason. One of the rules say that your fic chapters must be 1 page on microsoft word. It's obvious you're just typing in the reply box.

Also what's with the gary-stu? The guy sends out his bagon for the first time in probably its life before the prof saved him and defeats a numel with only 1 headbutt? And why would a trainer get a strong pokemon like bagon for a starter if it's an extremely endangered species? Like Psychic mentioned, it would be smart to breed it and let it reproduce with a ditto. Also why is getting a bagon for a starter if they're in the Kanto region?

Description wise you did a little better, but almost nothing really. But honestly when I look at it you didn't really improve at all. In my opinion you went from bad to worse.

21st November 2005, 9:04 AM
I checked its longer then a page in microsoft word and I did mention it had been breeded.