View Full Version : Lady Luck's Ace
21st November 2005, 2:28 AM
Hiya! I'm new to this fanfic thing so I hope I can get some reviews, criticisms and replys so as I can improve myself. Thanks!!
I've also compiled the chapters for easy viewing!
Chapter 1 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=2375642#post2375642)
Chapter 2 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=2379818#post2379818)
Chapter 3 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=2385336#post2385336)
Chapter 4 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=2393929#post2393929)
Chapter 5 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=2396274#post2396274)
Lady Luck's Ace--Chapter 1
“……can there be light without darkness…..?”
--Urd, Ah My Goddess
As the setting sun envelops the city of Celadon in a blanket of darkness, people and Pokemon set out to rest their tired bodies. Pidgeys prepare to guard their nests from nocturnal predators; Swinubs depart from their nests to find food. A group of Zubats emerge from the Rock Tunnel to hunt, and a flock of Hoppips rest on the grassy fields near Viridian. The chanellers of Lavender started to do their nightly prayers to calm the spirits in the Pokemon Tower, and a soothing chanting started to fill the ears of town’s residents, instantly putting them to sleep.
The world seemed to be at peace; however, the streets of Celadon were abuzz with people swiftly sprinting their way to the city’s Game Corner.
“Someone won the jackpot!!”
Everyone was excited. They all wanted to know who was lucky enough to win the nine hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine Pokedollars from the famous Celadon Game Corner. The streets were loud with cheer and praise as the winner came out with his huge sacks of cash.
It was none other than the Gym Leader’s brother, Irvine.
Irvine bears a striking resemblance to his sister Erika, both with short black hair, both having beautiful green eyes and both have identical smiles. They both wear traditional family kimonos and they are both gifted in the art of Pokemon battling.
However despite these qualities, few people know the amazing differences these two siblings have.
Unlike his sister Erika, Irvine disliked Pokemon
The boy arrogantly waves to the citizens with a wide grin while showing off the sacks of money he won while scoring the jackpot in the famous Celadon slots. However, his huge smile quickly turns upside down after spotting his sister quickly making her way in front of the crowd.
Another major difference Erika and Irvine had is their hobbies. Erika loved to create beautiful flower arrangements and soothing bottles of perfume, while her brother loved one thing, more than anything: gambling.
Erika did not want Irvine to gamble because of its nature, and because it is against their family traditions, however Irvine took the opportunity to visit the Game Corner whenever his sister was busy in a gym battle, or whenever she was busy in one of her lectures in the university. He was rarely caught, however tonight was a huge exception. His amazing win, and the citizen’s excited cheering in the streets must have alerted Erika. Irvine began clutching the sacks in front of him in hopes the money would save him from his sister’s wrath. With a disappointed look Erika began to scold him,
“Irvine!! I thought I told you not to---“
However, before Erika could finish her sentence, Irvine quickly dashed towards the building next door with his heavy sacks of coins, hoping to lose his ill-tempered sister. Because of her kimono, Erika could not efficiently give chase to her impish brother, and instead threw a pokeball releasing a Jumpluff.
“Jumpluff! Give chase and make sure he doesn’t get away!”
The Grass-Pokemon nods in understanding and quickly floats towards the Game Corner Prize building.
“Made it!” Irvine tiredly exclaims after reaching his destination: the Prize Machine. He quickly started to empty all of his coins inside the coin slot while nervously surveying the area, ignoring the suspicious faces of the Game Corner employees. At last the sacks are empty and the machine began to process the order made by the uneasy boy. He breathed a sigh of relief as his prize dropped from the reward-slot. He quickly placed his prize inside his backpack and slowly turned around to depart, contented because of his victory. His contentment however quickly turned to restlessness as the shrieks if the employees filled his ears. He began to see what the cause of the chaos was.
Jumpluff finally spotted Irvine. Immediately the Grass Pokemon released a Cotton Spore in order to retain her master’s brother, ignoring the innocent bystanders that were affected by the spore. She was more fearful of Erika’s wrath. Instantly, several white puffs of cotton were released instantly blinding and suffocating all those around it.
However before the Cotton spore reached its intended target, Irvine simply chose a different alternative and decided to jump out the window into the hard concrete underneath.
21st November 2005, 8:24 AM
I like it. ^_^ Short, sweet, and to the point. I don't know why, but it really caught my interest. I like your writing style much.
Mmm, I think there was some confusion between present and past tense verbs, but maybe it's the time and because I'm tired. I'll re-read this tomorrow and see if I'm right or not.
I wonder what Irvine got though. I suspect a Pokémon for some reason, but it prolly isn't. =3
22nd November 2005, 1:44 AM
Thanks for the compliments Breezy!! That inspired me to continue my fic! I'm sure it has a few grammatical errors in it...so I am now hoping that more and more people review my work, so that I can improve it! Thanks for reading!!
Lady Luck's Ace--Chapter 2
Jumpluff started to panic. Erika wanted Irvine caught, but surely she did not want him dead! Jumpluff slowly floated towards the window, while nervously using its cotton to shield its eyes, afraid to see the damage the fall inflicted on Irvine.
As Jumpluff neared the edge of the window, a powerful gust of wind started to blow it away. Jumpluff tried it’s best to fight the powerful gale, but it’s efforts proved to be futile as the form of a Pokemon materialized in front of it.
Erika, together with her Gym trainers started to ascend the third floor of the Prize building; however the Gym Leader was having extreme difficulty in keeping up with her apprentices, mainly because of her outfit, but mostly because she wasn’t exactly athletic. Nearly reaching the Prize hall, Erika thought to herself,
“Why must you run from me like this Irvine? What are you thinking? We could have settled any problems between us in a peaceful manner….what are you thinking?”
Entering the Prize room, the Gym trainers were shocked at what they saw, everything was broken, the furniture ripped and the walls slashed. Yet, they were more surprised at what they saw in the floor. Motionless in the ground, is Erika’s Jumpluff.
After surveying the area, Erika quickly withdrew Jumpluff back in its Poke ball, and after much thought, discovered the culprit of the attack.
Irvine quietly landed on the edge of Fuchsia, together with his partner, Nanab the Tropius.
“Phew…I thought that plan would never work out…” Irvine said while sitting down on the grass, ignoring the suspicious look a couple of bikers are giving him.
Before Irvine jumped out the Game Corner window, he quickly sent out Nanab, then without hesitation, jumped on the back of the dinosaur-like Pokemon. After seeing Jumpluff is in their pursuit, he quickly ordered Nanab to unleash a powerful Razor Wind, destroying the room, and instantly defeating the Jumpluff.
“*sigh*…Guess I didn’t escape in a heroic fashion eh…?” Irvine asked Nanab while he took out a notebook and a pen from his backpack. He then began writing a quick letter to his sister, while Nanab began munching on some of the Pecha berries it found in the road side.
Hey! Sis! It’s me Irvine!! Hehe….guess you didn’t expect me to write something to you after the stunt I pulled in the Game Corner huh…but trust me, I did it for a reason.
First of all, let me apologize for what I did to your Jumpluff, it wasn’t my fault! I guess Nanab lost control again…he’s been like that ever since I started feeding him Liechi Berries…but anyways I’m sorry!
Now…I’d like to apologize one more time…all this years I’ve been deceiving you, and mom and dad. You see…I pretended to hate Pokemon…remember when you first gave me Nanab? Remember my reaction? I deceived you all…because it was the only thing I could do in order to fulfill my dreams. I know you wanted me to become the new Celadon Gym Leader once I reach the right age…but I have no desire to replace you…don’t get me wrong…being the new Gym Leader is kinda cool, but my dreams tell me otherwise. I hope you understand sister, but my dream is to become the Pokemon League Champion. Being a gym leader would only prevent me from reaching my goals, and it would bind me to the heavy responsibilities leaders like you must uphold… sorry, but that is the truth. I do not want to become the Gym Leader. I know that dad intended me to follow the footsteps of our ancestors; I mean they were all Celadon gym leaders! That is why I pretended to hate Pokemon. I thought that if dad saw how I treated them, then he would change his mind and make you the gym leader instead. And that is what he did. I know this is very selfish of me, but I want to follow my own path. I want to experience the thrills of traveling on my own; I don’t want to be locked inside a gym forever like you. I know you probably would not let me journey, and that is why I did my hasty escape. I know you respect my wishes, and I hope I did not hurt you too much, please remember, I love you always.
Nanab belched after eating three more berries. The bikers started to leave cycling road and Irvine was finally alone. Irvine gave his letter to Nanab and petted the grass-Pokemon’s head.
“You’ve been a great partner Nanab, and you were my only Pokemon. But I must ask you to deliver my letter to my sister, and stay at her gym for a while. I do not want to bring any memories of Celadon with me during my journey. Don’t worry, after I get stronger, I’ll surely return home, I need the Rainbow Badge after all…”
Nanab picked the letter up using its mouth and started to fly, sadly looking back at it’s trainer that was starting to change his outfit. At last Nanab flew back to Celadon as Irvine began changing his clothes.
“A kimono would only look stupid on me if I want to become a trainer…”
Irvine is now wearing a black polo shirt, with a Pokeball symbol on the back. He is now wearing red pants and sturdy hiking shoes. It certainly looked odd, but to Irvine, this was the closest thing to normal. He grabbed his backpack and started to walk towards Fuchsia.
Meanwhile on Celadon Gym, Erika smiles as she began to read her brother’s letter, Nanab quietly resting beside her.
23rd November 2005, 12:30 AM
Finally something different for a change..
I've been looking for a fic to review from a new writer other than ones that write about a kid starting his/her journey in Pallet Town. ^^
So, love it so far. Interesting how you made Erika have a brother... Never would have expected that. And the plot is pretty nice too.. I just hope it isn't too much like the original story.
No spelling errors that I saw, but then again, I'm not very awake today. The description was ok for a beginning.. Might need to lengthen the chapters up a bit though.
Overall, this is a good example of how first-time fics should look. Good job!
23rd November 2005, 12:31 AM
Okay...lets see here...
Description: Very nice, especially how you detail the surroundings.
Characters: Interesting how you made Irvine Erika's brother...aside from Brock, Misty, and Koga, we don't hear about Gym Leader's families too often.
Plot: I wish Irvine good luck on his adventure....
Anything else?: Will Ash and co. be making an appearance?
Rating: ;025; ;025; ;025;
You're off to a good start, I'd say.
23rd November 2005, 2:51 AM
Again, there was confusion between past and present tense (before and after the letter Irvine wrote to Erika.) Pick one you feel most comfortable writing in and stick with it.
Mmm, I wouldn't of expected Irvine to be a trainer. But then again, I did. And it's a pretty original way for a trainer to start his journey, I'll tell ya that. =D
I liked this chapter 2. Again, I compliment you for hooking me in; not many authors do that now n' days for me haha.
23rd November 2005, 4:05 AM
Thanks a lot for the positive comments, especially to Breezy, who pointed out several mistakes I made.
Here's chapter 3....
Lady Luck's Ace--Chapter 3
Saying goodbye to Nanab was difficult for Irvine, but it must be done if he wishes to be strong.
“Besides….I am not alone.”
Irvine said to himself while staring at the poke ball he has in his hands. It was the Pokemon he received from the Game Corner. He smiled in self satisfaction; he could not believe he had finally started his journey! Seeing the Pokemon center in the distance, Irvine’s long strides quickly turned into a hasty sprints. Finally he could rest.
Joy, the Pokemon Center’s nurse greeted Irvine. Irvine returned the greeting before asking for a room to stay. Pokemon Centers are not only convenient for Pokemon that are injured, but it is also convenient for traveling trainers because of their benefits. For instance, Pokemon trainers are entitled to free meal and room as well as the use of the center’s facilities like the trade center and the PC.
After dinner, Irvine took a short walk outside, admiring the beautiful flowers beside the Pokemon center. Back home, Irvine was sick of looking at flowers, it was everywhere! But somehow these flowers were different, it looked peaceful.
His admiration however, quickly changed into nervousness as he spotted the Fuchsia Gym next door.
“This will be the first….I wonder if I’m ready?”
Irvine started to make his way back to the Pokemon Center, but suddenly stopped when he heard something unusual. He looked at the Pokemon Center roof, and there he saw a person in black, looking at him.
Knowing that he has been spotted, the mystery person quickly jumped towards the roof of the Fuchsia Gym. Sensing that the person is a burglar, Irvine quickly gave chase and rushed towards the gym. He tried opening the door, however it was nailed shut. Irvine started pounding on the door, hoping that he could alert the gym leader or the gym trainers; however his efforts were all in vain.
“No one’s here….”
Determined to capture the thief, Irvine tried hard to think of a solution. He circled the gym and luckily, he found a backdoor. He quietly opened the door, which was unlocked, and silently stepped inside the dark gym. At first he was having a difficult time navigating through the darkness, but Irvine quickly made his way towards the end of the hall. Trying to find a light switch, Irvine jumped up in surprise when several spotlights illuminated the Fuchsia Gym. Irvine slowly turned around and surely enough, at the center of the battle field, is the mystery person in black.
“So….you caught me…”
Irvine gasped in surprise, the burglar is a girl!
“What were you doing back there…at the Pokemon Center…?”
“Oh....let me see....I was going to steal all the Pokemons in the center…and maybe I’d steal a few Pokedollars while I’m at it, hehe, but sadly you caught me, and I’m very sorry.....but now I must eliminate you!”
The burglar threw a great ball at the middle of the field and out came the spider Pokemon, Ariados. Irvine took his prized Pokeball out and smiled in satisfaction.
To him this battle was going to be easy, he has spent all his luck in acquiring this certain Pokemon. It was the Game Corner Grand Prize, and it was one of the rarest Pokemon in existence. Irvine smiled arrogantly before releasing his prized Pokemon.
The burglar jumped back in surprise, “A Dragonite?!” How could her Ariados beat a Pokemon like that? The mystery girl started to reconsider if she should continue the battle, however, once the Pokemon materialized the burglar's terror soon turned to glee. Irvine fell to his knees in disbelief and embarrassment. The mystery burglar and her Ariados laughed in unison at the trainer that foolishly called the wrong Pokemon.
In front of Irvine was the virtual Pokemon Porygon.
23rd November 2005, 3:11 PM
Very interesting story, nice how you made Irving Erika's brother. But how could he have made a mistake like that with the Game Corner Pokemon clearly labelled? Also, try to stick to one tense. The constant switch between present to past is confusing.
24th November 2005, 9:45 PM
Hiya! Here's Chapter 4 of Lady Luck's Ace! Sorry if it's a little bit short, (It's coz today's Thanksgiving! and we have to go somewhere...)
Lady Luck's Ace--Chapter 4
“Ariados! Poison Sting!!”
The spider Pokemon, Ariados started to release several poisonous spikes from its thin body, aimed directly towards Porygon, however, due to Irvine’s surprised state, the virtual Pokemon was forced to take the Poison Sting attack directly. Porygon staggered from the powerful attack while the burglar smiled and arrogantly said:
“Is this the police force’s best? A kid who doesn’t know the difference between a Porygon and a Dragonite? Sorry…but you’re no challenge…I’ll have to finish this battle right now…”
Hearing the words “No Challenge” certainly woke Irvine up; as he got back up to his feet and decided that he will beat this burglar with or without a Dragonite.
“Porygon! Tri Attack!”
Living with a gym leader certainly has its advantages. Irvine received his battling skills by watching his sister battle countless trainers, picking up and memorizing strategies and attacks. Irvine felt confident about this battle.
“Ariados! Evade with Agility!”
Ariados’ speed greatly increased, as a blur of red dashed out to evade the Tri-Attack, Irvine surprised about his opponent’s awesome speed decided to come up with a new strategy.
“Ariados! Finish it with Psychic!”
A powerful aura emerged from Ariados, hitting Porygon head on, however instead of worry, Irvine felt triumph. Ariados needed a few moments to unleash Psychic, and during those seconds, it was a sitting duck! This was the perfect opportunity to strike!
“Now’s your chance Porygon! Lock On!”
Porygon’s eyes glowed a bright blue as it memorized Ariados’ movement patterns, battling habits and attack patterns. As Ariados dashed from Agility, the burglar felt confident about her chances in winning the battle.
“Finish it Ariados! Poison Sting!!”
However, this time Porygon and Irvine were ready. Before Poison Sting hit the virtual Pokemon, Irvine commanded an Agility, enabling Porygon to effectively evade the poison attack. Taking the burglar by surprise, Irvine knew that this was his opportunity to win the battle. With an excited tone, Irvine commanded his Pokemon:
“Porygon! Zap Cannon!”
Ariados quickly dashed sideways, trying to evade the powerful electric blast it’s opponent unleashed, however, due to the Lock On attack Porygon used earlier, Irvine and Porygon were able to predict Ariados’ evasive pattern, hitting the Spider Pokemon directly.
“I’ve….obviously underestimated this kid…” The burglar exclaimed while withdrawing her fainted Pokemon. She then released her next Pokemon, Forretress.
Irvine, only having one Pokemon, is clearly at a disadvantage. The last battle with Ariados took a lot out of Porygon and Irvine was unsure if he could win the battle. But instead of worry, Irvine felt an unexplainable rush of adrenaline. The gambler within Irvine refused to give up, and he decided to go all or nothing! The burglar smiled, impressed at the boy’s determination.
“Porygon! Zap Cannon!”
“Forretress! Solar Beam!”
However, just before the two attacks collided, an Arcanine suddenly appeared out of nowhere, destroying both Pokemon with an Overheat, causing a huge explosion, which envelops the field in a thick smoke.
24th November 2005, 11:58 PM
What happened with the Psychic attack? You never even had Porygon dodge it, it just never happened. Now seeing as Dragonair is my favorite pokemon, I was looking forward to you using it near the beginning, then you said Dragonite, so I can live with that. But having dragonite turn out to be porygon, my second favorite pokemon? It could have been done better, I still can't see Irvine making that kind of mistake.
I'm looking forward to what you do in future chapters, though they could be a lot longer. Oh yeah, you never clearly said how Irvine got to Fuschia city. I know he flew, but you never said he did.
25th November 2005, 5:33 AM
Hello! It's me Faerie, and I'm here, as requested. ^__^ I shall now review Chapter One.
So far this story is going well! The description could be worked on a little, but the bit at the first part of the chapter is very good. Mental imaging is an important part of writing, and try to work on making images into words. Of course, the description in the later chapters might be better, but I've just read Chapter One. >__> Anyhow, it's good so far: a little short, but that's to be expected from prolouges. Keep up the good work, and I'll be back to review Chatper Two soon!
25th November 2005, 6:12 AM
Here's Chapter 5! Enjoy!
LAdy Luck's Ace--Chapter 5
“Stop it! Stop this battle right now!!”
Arcanine, after obliterating Forretress and Porygon, quickly sprinted towards the edge of the gym, into the hands of its trainer, Officer Jenny. Irvine, obviously irritated about the fact that Jenny’s Arcanine fainted his Porygon quickly stepped up to question the cop.
“Why did you attack my Pokemon? There’s the criminal! She attacked me!”
“Criminal? She’s no criminal. As a matter of fact kid, I should arrest you in the spot for interfering with police work!” Officer Jenny then took out a pair of handcuffs while Arcanine circled behind Irvine, preventing his escape.
“What….?” Irvine started to sweat, “What did I do wrong? Here I was battling this burglar….and now….”
Right before Jenny could put the hand cuffs on Irvine’s hands; the burglar began to laugh and with an excited tone said,
“Oh….don’t be so stiff Jenny, you could let him go! Don’t worry, there was no harm done! Actually….I had fun….”
The burglar removed her mask, revealing a very attractive face. The girl had beautiful red eyes, and her long black hair was tied back behind her head. Irvine, for a moment was stunned. The girl’s voice brought him back to his senses.
“So…what’s your name kid?”
Irvine felt stupid. Why was he so nervous? Was it because he was almost arrested? Was it because he made a fool out of himself for picking the wrong Pokemon in the Game Corner? Or was it because of this girl…
“Sorry Janine, this is totally unexpected. The guy you were supposed to battle was waiting at the Safari Zone about half an hour ago. I guess there was a mix up…”
“Janine?!” Irvine almost fell back after hearing the girl’s name. “I know her…she’s Fuchsia’s Gym Leader!” he was sure he heard Erika talk about a ninja girl from Fuchsia named Janine, who is Fuchsia’s gym leader, as well as being the daughter of one of the Elite Four, Koga. Irvine timidly looked at Janine’s face before asking,
“So….what were you really doing back there…?”
“Oh….sorry about that…I was just doing my job…see, the police force hires me to train new units in case of emergencies like burglary. That way they’ll be prepared when something like this really happens. I was supposed to train this new guy, but I guess I had the meeting place mixed up…”
Irvine felt like a fool. He embarrassed himself three times tonight. And worse, he embarrassed himself in front of the Fuchsia gym leader.
Jenny started to retrieve her Arcanine back to it’s Pokeball before walking out of the Gym to talk with someone on her radio.
Janine, seemed to sense Irvine’s emotions, and with her quick wits, she began to think of words to encourage Irvine,
“You weren’t bad kid…actually…it’s been a long time since I had this much fun in a battle…anyways I like your Porygon’s nickname! “Dragonite” is a pretty cool name…”
However instead of cheering Irvine up, Janine actually made Irvine feel worse. When Irvine ordered a Dragonite from the prize machine, he was agitated, he was incredibly nervous because he feared getting caught, and because of his haste, somehow, he must have pushed the wrong order number, and instead of Dragonite, he got Porygon instead. Irvine clutched his head in confusion and regret, he made a mistake, and it was too late to go back now.
Sensing something is wrong, Janine patted Irvine’s head and, while smiling sweetly she said,
“Don’t worry, Jenny won’t put you in jail…I’ll make sure of it!”
Once again, Janine was far from the truth, but somehow her words comforted Irvine. He took Porygon’s Pokeball out and stared at it.
“Janine….would you battle me in a rematch someday?”
“Hehe…what a funny thing to ask…of course! Gym leaders like me are always up for a challenge!”
For a moment both trainers were silent. The gym felt hollow, it felt lifeless and dark. Irvine could smell the sweet aroma of Fuchsia’s flowers, and Janine could hear the soothing sound of the wind. Both trainers were at peace, their last battle earning both of them each other’s respect. The silent however was broken by Officer Jenny’s shouts from outside.
Hearing the word trouble, Janine and Irvine quickly sprinted outside the gym.
“Janine, we need your help! We just received a report from the Safari Zone’s game warden…”
“The Game Warden? He lost his gold teeth again…?”
“No…it’s something worse. A speedy Pokemon was spotted by several Safari Zone staff, causing trouble inside the facility. This Pokemon was too fast to see and too fast to capture. Several trainers tried to battle this Pokemon however it always escaped before they can attack it. This “speedy” Pokemon is notorious for stealing Pokeblocks from trainers, as well as interfering from trainers and their captures. The Safari staff decided that the only way to stop this Pokemon is to enlist the services of the famous Janine…”
“I accept…its part of my duties as a gym leader right?”
Officer Jenny nods in agreement. Janine patted Irvine’s head and said,
“Make sure you train and get better….I’ll be waiting for you!”
Irvine somehow felt lost as he watched Jenny ride away in her motorcycle, with Janine behind her. He started to walk towards the Pokemon Center when a crazy idea crossed his mind:
“Hmmm…..a speedy Pokemon huh…?”
26th November 2005, 9:22 PM
Hmm....I should get an update by Wednesday...sorry if I can't update today...I'm way too busy!
Thanks to everyone who read Lady Luck's Ace!
27th November 2005, 5:05 AM
Heres Chapter 6!!
Lady Luck's Ace--Chapter 6
Breezy entered my room with a wide smile on her face.
[insert porno stuff removed by Dragonfree]
Hehe liked that? let me give you some more:
I QUIT!!!!!!!!!! ..!..
27th November 2005, 6:02 AM
Too bad, I was really looking forward to seeing what was going to happen next. Bye bye then.
27th November 2005, 6:39 AM
-.- There are better ways to quit, you know. *edits post and closes*
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.2 Copyright © 2014 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.