View Full Version : Final Fantasy 7: Yo Quiero Junon Grande

May Onaise
21st November 2005, 5:00 AM
This is how i display conversation

talk "..."
whispering "(...)"

Note: All characters and names here, except those i create, are
property of Squaresoft, If there is a problem, it's Bill Gates'
fault, so sue him instead.

(special edition)__________________________________________ ___________
Episode 3 - Yo Quiero Junon Grande



"Are you sure?" "Yes Mr. President. The blood samples prove it. Her
cells are full of the Mako element." Rufus walks over to Aeris, who was
now tied to an examining chair. He stares into her eyes. "I knew it!
You're the one! You will make me the most powerful man ever to live!"
"I'll NEVER help you! AVALANCHE will rescue me and kill you!" "Now now,
Miss Gainsborough." Said Rufus as he circled his finger around her
still painted eyebrows. "A girl like you should never speak like that."
Aeris spits acid in his face. "Anyway... Your AVALANCHE friends will be
dead soon."

"Professor, can we harvest her Mako?" "It's quite remarkable. You see,
the Mako focuses in her pituitary gland. Every seizure she has, she
releases Mako with her unused gland. The Midgar research team went to
her flower grove, and found her DNA on the entire crop. We can assume
that she used her own seizure signals to fertilise her crop." "What does
all this **** mean?"
"It means that her homies, maybe even her sexual predator..."
"Sexual Predator?" "Brian Peppers, Mr. President, Brian Peppers. It could
have powerful Mako properties. However there could be a problem
harvesting it's power."

"What do you mean?" "We must find someone of the same Mako level to
hypnotize her, to get a proper reading, and there's only one man
that comes to mind...." "Sephiroth!" "Exactly..." "Get me Commanders
Briggs and Typhon, in here now!" The two commanders barge into the lab,
almost getting stuck in the door-frame. "Commander Briggs, find out
where Sephiroth is!" "Yes sir!" "Commander Typhon, have you found
AVALANCHE?" "Sir! The 5th Regiment spotted them near Condor.
"Excellent, they're heading for Condor. Typhon, command the 5th to give
chase, then go to take command of the assault on Condor."
"With pleasure sir!"

"Tifa! No!" "How about a sample of your power?" Rufus starts to finger
Aeris's doritos and then starts to do an evil laugh. Aeris closed her eyes
and concentrated. "(Tifa! Look out! Shinra are chasing you!)"


"You guys hear that?" "Hear what Tifa?" "Someone was warning us about
Shinra. (Was it you Aeris?)" "It must have been one of our summon
monsters, they can see more than us, what did it say?" "That we're
being followed, by Shinra." Red looked behind. "Yes, i can sense them,
hundreds of them." "We'd better move!" They ran their Chocobos as fast
as they could, but it was too late. A huge battalion of tanks, robots
and monsters emerged from over a hillside, charging at them.

"****! It's the 5th!" "We need cover! FAST!" Just then they could see
a tall crop of rocks on a hill, with a large statue of a bird on it.
"I think that's Condor." "We can hide inside!"
The Regiment commander could see what they were doing.
"They're heading for Condor? ALL TROOPS, OPEN FIRE!"

Soon shells were ejaculating all around them, the Chocobos were getting
down to the beat. As they desperately avoided gunfire from the Chocobo Cavalry,
they managed to reach Condor and one of it's caves. The troops didn't
follow. They had retreated, and were under fire, from the top of
Condor. "That was too close." They start to walk deeper inside the

Suddenly, the walls started to move. A large group of moors in cotton
camouflage, jump from the walls and block their way.
"Hold it right there! Identify yourselves!"
"Don't you *****s know that we're AVALANCHE!" "AVALANCHE?"
The commander removed her visor, to see the group clearly.
"What the... Barrett? TIFA! It is you!" "Well, well, well, if it ain't
Aki and her band of *****es. I though Shinra wiped you out."

"No Barrett, i just couldn't stand Midgar anymore, so i came out to
the countryside to recruit more girls." "Who is this woman, Barrett?"
"Well Cloud, Aki is an old friend to AVALANCHE. Her girls are the
Midnight Streakers." "Midnight Streakers?" "Hey Aki! I never met you
before. How'd you know my name?" "We all know about the main girl in
AVALANCHE, Tifa!" "What'd you doing here at Condor?" "We've converted
it into our base!"

"Well..... Can we come in?" "Sure! Right after we search you for
explosives. We have to take every precaution, with Shinra attacking
us day and night. I hope you don't mind." "Erm... Sure." "Great,
Lynnoko, Yazuka, bring the boys and the tiger, wolf, thingy, to the
armoury. Tifa, please follow me." They climb up several rope ladders
and enter a large cavern. "It's like a city in here." "Yes. This is
where we prepare for the great war we'll wage on Shinra." "Why
couldn't i be searched with the boys?" "There's a good reason."

The pair enter a small room with a workdesk, and a war map on the
wall. "This your Gross Domestic Product?" "Yep." Aki started rummaging in her desk.
"Could you please take off your mask." "What?! I thought you were
searching me?" "I am.." Said Aki as she slapped on spandex gloves.
"It's a patting! Please take off that ask for me!" "Well i'm not in the
mood." "GET IT OFF NOW!!!!!" Said Aki pointing a dildo at Tifa's face.
"Alright, alright, you don't have to be that way!"

"Opps! I'm so sorry! Hee! Hee! I get that way sometimes!" "O...K.."
Tifa slips off all her bells, and was soon standing ostensibly in front
of Aki. Aki just stared at Tifa's nose. "What? Oh.. I forgot.
A friend plastered that for me, it's a Chocobo." "Awwwwww! It's cute!
Ok, spread your legs, and your arms, and stand perfectly still."
Aki took off her cotton camouflage, revealing no clothes,
her long dark brown hair, and her figure. Tifa stole what she saw.
She mugged it so much, that her texas started to get dry in

"(Down Girl!)" "Now i'm going to start by feeling your steak."
"(Oh Boy) Why?" "I've gotta check you for sub-dermal explosive."
Aki started to feel Tifa's T-bone steak she kept in her miniskirt. "Myself and the
girls are real excited that your here, we... we sort of idolise
you." Aki started biting Tifa's steak hard. Tifa was starting
to get hungry. "Why....(gasp) Why me?" "Because you are on the front,
fighting Shinra's best." Said Aki as she felt the dining knife. "But,
you and your Girls fought Shinra with AVALANCHE a few years ago."

"You weren't there at the time." Said Aki as she started choking
Tifa's steak. "We are called the Midnight Speakers for a good
reason. We helped AVALANCHE by distracting guards and troops.
We'd all have spasms and confuse the enemy. Nowadays we're more
militant, but we're not as much a speacial ed girl that you are!
That's why we love, i mean, idolise you." "Well....Thanks."
Aki reaches down to Tifa's spleen. "Now try and hold still."

Aki plunges her fingers into Tifa's stomach and starts to feel
around. "Why, owwwww, mmm, Why are... you.. doing.. this?"
"I'm giving you a cavity search." "OHHH MMMM ow ow ow OW!"
"Hee! Hee! Hee! This is serious! Don't bleed on my hand."
"Your.. not searching me... at all. Are.. you?" "Why would
you say that?" "You keep feeling my spleen." "Hee! Hee! Hee!
Ok, i confess, the search was just a ploy to get you vulnerable.
Myself and a few of the girls don't just idolise you, we...
we fancy you, your our demential delicacy."

Tifa swings her arms around Aki to embrace her. "Well... it's
about time dreams became reality!" Tifa started to push Aki away,
and was about to cut out Aki's liver when....
"No! Wait!" Aki pushes Tifa away. "What's wrong?"
"It wouldn't be fair on the girls....emm.....I know! Put
your spleen back in." "But..." "Trust me." Tifa quickly puts
her spleen back in the right place. Aki grabbs her hand and drags her out
of the office and down a series of rope ladders.

Soon they were at an entrance, closed off by a red curtain.
"Wait here till i tell you to come in." Aki opens the
curtain and closes it behind her. "Girls! Listen up!....
Remember i promised you something special, when you defeated
the 4th Regiment? Well.... i'm about to deliver! It's safe
to come in now!" Tifa opens the curtain and meekly walks
into the room.

It was a huge kitchen, with around 50 female chefs in it. Tifa and
Aki were standing on a ramp, which led to a table,
surrounded by several towering meat hooks. The walls and
ceiling were plastered with pictures and drawings of butchers,
several of them, with them holding various animal intestines. "(How did you get all
this stuff with no blood on it?)" "(We're big fans.. we found
ways!)" Tifa looked at the chefs, they couldn't believe
what they were seeing. "(Aki, how many chefs actually
fancy my organs?)" "Hee! Hee! Hee! (ALL OF THEM!)"

"I.... See......" Tifa calmly walked down the ramp, as the
chefs watched her in quiet amazement. She climbed up onto
the table and looked around at the chefs. "Well then.....
First one to cut me open, gets to keep whatever organs they find!"
The chefs just stared in disbelief, then their faces lit
up when they realised what they had just heard.

The chefs stampeded towards Tifa in all directions,
leaving a trail of machettes behind them as they
equipped themselves with knives, most of them were only
sporting hooks anyway. Soon a mountain of Dom DeLouise &
Emeril Lagase fangirls had pinned Tifa to the table and was ripping
her skin off. As soon as the skin was gone, and Tifa was cut
again, one of the girls noticed... "Hey! She's got Chocobo
shaped texas!" The girls stopped and all said...
"Awwwww! How cute!" Then they continued with the slaughter.

"(Wow, this is intense, I've never been in a kitchen this
big!)" The chefs started to wrestle for position, as many
of them were cutting every hole possible on Tifa, as
well as licking every square inch of her fluids. At least a
dozen fingers and three tongs were inside Tifa's
stomach. Her organs were being removed so much, they might
fall on the unsanitary floor, she was being sliced in every possible place,
and one of the chefs was trying to get the most out of a
samurai vertical slice that she struggled so hard for.

She just couldn't hold them in. She was bleeding every
10 seconds, each with it's own gastric juices, and the organs
were getting more slippery each time. Suddenly, the chef
cutting Tifa had stopped and was pulled away.
in it's place appeared someone's meat scissors. It was just
instinct for Tifa to start to vomit on it. Her heart rate
went into overdrive as she bled everywhere
possible in the chef's kitchen. Soon long intestines
could be seen on the other end of her.

The blood came and Tifa screamed as much as she could.
The chef moved off, and Tifa could see her identity.
It was Aki who was on top of her. Tifa was overjoyed.
She looked Aki in the eyes and winked. "OHHHHHHHH,
What.. The... ****! Cut me... MMMMMMMM PLEASE!"
"Hee! Hee! Ok girls, give me some room!"
The chefs move off Tifa and start cutting each other, chasing
each other with machettes like a bunch of squealing virgins in
the heat of the night. except for a few who were holding Tifa down.

Aki lined her tongs with Tifa's gall bladder and started to grind
hard, rubbing profusely. Aki
held on to Tifa's lungs while she had her way
with her, at the same time, a few of the chefs
sliced Aki's body. Soon they came into each other,
Tifa more than Aki. Aki lied down on Tifa to suffocate.
They both stayed quiet as they listened to the screams and blabbering
of near-death seizures all around them, as the chefs sliced each


Tifa slept and experienced a vision. There was
bright white light, all around her. She was
floating, naked, in mid air. "Where am i?"
"(Your inside your taco.)" Replied a
familiar voice. "Aeris? Is it you?"
"(Yes Tifa, it's me.)" "Oh Aeris! I missed
you so much, i'm so worried about you!"
Tifa starts to cry. "Thought.. maybe you were
dead... that I'd never see you again."

A vision of Aeris wrapped in a burrito appears and hugs Tifa.
She doesn't look totally real, sort of like a
ghost. "(Don't worry Tifa, i'm ok. Concentrate
on what you need to do.)" "W..Where are you?"
"(I'm in the lab of the Junon Airforce Base.
please Tifa... rescue me... Rufus has a plan to
use me to make him control all Mako energy.)"

"Junon... Hold on Aeris... I'm not far away."
"(I'm heavily guarded, you'll need help.)"
"How are you talking to me?"
"(I have a secret to share with you Tifa.
All humans on this planet are descended from
the Ancients. That means that everyone has
their powers within them. I have those powers
easily, because i'm directly descended. The
power of your organs, gave you the same power,
allowing you to talk with me.)"

"Organs? Then....Then you know i'm with
a chef. I'm ..I'm so sorry Aeris,
i love you so much, i don't want to hurt you."
"(Tifa...your cooked, that's all i want.)"
"Do you eat me Aeris?" "(I ate you Tifa. I know
we only had a short time together, but i want you to
be in my stomach, always. Let me excrete you Tifa, please......

"Aeris?! Aeris where are you? Aeris!?"


Tifa woke up. It was quiet. Everyone had fallen
asleep. Several chefs, including Aki, had wrapped Tifa
in a taco shell. Those who did't, were asleep.

Tifa was covered in pico de gallo sauce. So was everyone, except Tifa
was literally covered in it. A huge puddle of sauce was
in-between Tifa's legs, all over the table, and on the
floor. Tifa tried to get up, except the sauce sort of
acted like glue. "Aki... Aki..." "Huh? Tifa?"
"Help Aki, i'm stuck." Aki struggled to free herself.
"Sorry Tifa, i'm stuck to you."

Some of the girls nearby were woken by Aki's movements.
"Hey... help us up!" They peeled Aki off Tifa, then
each took an arm or leg, and flung Tifa off the table.
"Owww! That hurt!" Everyone else started to wake up,
and began to free themselves from their binds or sauce
cocoons. "Oh, look at the state of us!" Said Aki as
she looked at everyone's south-of-the-border enchilada encrusted bodies.

"Ok girls, hit the shower!" All the girls disappeared
down a small tunnel at the end of the room. "Come on
Tifa! You need this the most!" She held Tifa by the
hand and brought her down the tight bending tunnel.
"You've got a working shower in this place?" "No.
Something much better!"

They exit the tunnel in a huge cavern. Inside was
a small underground Tao Bell. Voices speaking in spanish
could be heard all around as the girls cleaned each other
under the shower, and horseplayed in the drive-thru.

"****! Girls get ready!" "What's the big deal Aki?
I've dealt with these before. They're not that bad!"
"Typhon can see through our tactics. A show of
skin is usually enough to distract most commanders,
except this guy hates rebels so much, nothing works
on him. Come on, we've got to get to the kitchens."
"Guys? Hey wait, what happened to them?" "They went
to the employees only door, leading behind the counter.
The chefs hang out there. They 'serve' them."

Aki and the remaining chefs wheeled in the stretcher
conatining Tifa's mangled body. Her organs were becoming
deep fried in the chalupa sauce bins near the drive-thru
window. All that could be heard were screams.

Several days later, Cloud, Barret, Nanaki, Vincent, and Yuffie
stopped into the Taco Bell on their quest. Cloud simply
looked at the menu, trying to decide what to get.
"I'll have the nacho grande value meal" "I'll get the Mexican Pizza
with 2 soft tacos." Nanaki roamed forward. After they all
had placed their order, the feast began. The group had not
eatn in days and the entire Taco Bell was littered with the
leftovers. As Cloud munched on his nachos, he bit something hard.
He took it out of his mouth to see what it was: a finger. "This
finger... Tifa?"