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sweethart_772002
21st November 2005, 8:01 AM
Oh kay...before I copy and paste the fiction on, I'd just want to leave a author's comment first:

Yes, yes...my first fiction. ^_^ Plus thanks to Destiny-Smasher (http://destiny-smasher.deviantart.com/), for helping me edit it ^_^ Jeez! I couldn't believe all those mistakes! ^_^;;

Anyways...If you haven't read my comics so far, then umm...you wouldn't really know what's going on .-.

So for the heck of it, read these please =):

Title Picture (http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23682871/) (don't really have to 'read' it...it's just the title picture =P )

Comic 1 (http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/12716361/)

Comic 2 (http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/14840314/)

Comic 3 (http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/20731352/)

Story takes place right after Comic 3 =) Thank you! and enjoy your reading!

(Chapter 2 may be up by next month =) )

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Trouble Trainers: Bonnie and Clyde


Chapter One


“Now! Get them!” The Team Aqua woman ordered to her teammate furiously. “Let’s go! They’re getting away with the Rose Orb!” She and her teammate tried to grab the white haired boy grasping the precious crimson gemstone, but missed, slipped and fell with a thud.

Brendan, May, and their green-haired pal Wally were found. They rushed out of their shrubby hiding spot, and ran from the Team Aqua duo. May, tugged Wally out, as he couldn’t run as fast as she and Brendan.

“Heh, they won’t get away that easily…” The woman chuckled in a sinister fashion as she picked herself up.

“What are you planning to do?” Her teammate asked.

“What do you think, Kyle?!” She screamed, as he shuddered in a shriek. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a Pokéball. “Gonna stop them right in their tracks.” She smirked and threw the Pokéball towards Brendan and the gang. “Milotic! Bind those three down!”

May, Wally, and Brendan froze in their tracks, as a Pokéball was thrown in front of them. They gasped as a large aquatic Pokémon emerged out of the Pokéball blocking their escape.

“Wow…it’s so pretty!” May murmured in awe, enjoying the elegance of Milotic. Its graceful form left her in an awed daze.

“Don’t just stare at it, May!” Brendan argued. “It’s about to use bin—”
But it was too late. The gang fell for Milotic’s bind. Brendan still clutching onto his precious Rose Orb, managed to free one hand. “Ack! You guys okay?”

“Yeah…” May grunted as she struggled to break free from the bind. “Darn…I can’t…reach my Pokéballs!” Wally winced next to her as he started to faint. The startling excitement of the situation was too much for him.

“M…May,” his voice started to fade. “I…can’t…breath…”

“Oh no! Wally!” May cried. “Brendan, we really got to get out of this! Wally can barely breath and he’s starting to faint, again.”

Brendan, struggling to reach for a one of his Pokéballs answered, “I’m trying May! If I only could just get one of my…Pokéballs!”

“Ahh! Here she comes!” May screamed as the woman slowly walked towards them. “You guys, if this is the end, I just want to let you know, you’re the best friends I have ever had.” May ended with a tear in her eye, as Brendan, still trying to reach for a Pokéball in his pack, smiled back at her, and Wally, red in his face, managed to reply with a small grin. “And Brendan, I’ve always wanted to tell you something, ever since the beginning of this…that…THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”

“I’ll get us out, don’t worry, May…” Brendan sweat dropped at May, still stuggling to reach for a Pokéball. “Just…gotta get—”

“Well well well…” The woman appeared cutting off Brendan once again. “Here are our little culprits.” She chuckled in the same cold sinister way, and then glared right at Brendan. Brendan returned the look with a gulp of dread. “Do you know how long it took just for us to steal that Rose Orb from Mt. Pyre?” She yelled. Brendan replied with a small nervous shake to his head.
“That’s right…you DON’T know…” She spoke, almost as a whisper, narrowing her eyes.

“Actually it was pretty easy you know!” The second member interrupted. “The guard person was looking around for his glasses when—” BONK! The second Team Aqua member stopped suddenly as he was clogged on the head by his partner.

“Shut up you idiot!” She let down her voice to a whisper. “I was trying to make it sound interesting…but no, you just HAD to— ERGH! Never mind! Just shut up and stay out of the way!” Getting back on track, she noticed the two ‘little culprits’ staring puzzled at her.

“Excuse me for all the interruptions,” she spoke angrily. “Now boy, hand me the Rose Orb and no one gets hurt!”

“No!” Brendan yelled, “You stole this gemstone, and I’m not letting some degraded member of Team Aqua take it from me!” Milotic’s bind squeezed the trio even more.

“Just…give back the orb, Brendan!” May grunted under the pressure. "You stole it also..."

“Maay? Not you too?” Brendan whined, disappointed that his best friend was giving in. “But I’m still not giving it to her!”

“Bad choice, kid!” The second Team Aqua member said happily.“Just give it or be squeezed to a pulp.”

“Ugh…whatever, you win…here you go.” Brendan sighed in defeat as his arm reached out from his pack.

“Good kid, just lend it here.” The Team Aqua woman lent her hand down to grab the orb.

“Psyche!” Brendan smirked. “Mudkip! Distract Milotic with Bite!” Brendan, with his free hand, threw the Pokéball at the woman’s face then unleashing the cuddly blue amphibious Pokémon Mudkip.
Mudkip raced up Milotic’s spiraling body and bit its nose as Milotic furiously tried to shake Mudkip off its face. With that, Milotic’s Bind started to loosen up, and Brendan and May fell out, both carrying Wally down.

“May, stay back a bit, and take care of Wally.” Brendan ordered. “I can take this thing on no problem!” He smiled and flashed a thumbs up restoring May’s hope.

“Alright, just don’t get too carried away with battling.” May tugged Wally’s arm onto her shoulder backing up a good fifteen feet. “Oh please don’t get yourself in more trouble, Brendan.” She hoped to herself.

“Ugh that little brat!” The woman rubbed her face in pain.

“Bonnie! Bonnie!” The second team member wailed frantically. “Are you okay? Are you okay? Okay, right? Right?!” He rushed to her assistance frantically. Brushing away dust in her face, which was quite an unnecessary action.

“Ahh…get off me, Kyle!” She shoved him out of the way. “What the heck!? MILOTIC!”

Her eyes widened as she gazed in disbelief as her mighty Milotic fell in defeat over Brendan’s small insignificant Mudkip. “B-but—?! How could that—what just happened!?”

“Alright Mudkip!” Brendan clapped as Mudkip pounced playfully on his shoulders from the knocked-out Pokémon. “The ‘In Your Face’ tactic worked well once again!” Mudkip jumped in glee as Brendan gave him a cookie.

“Return Milotic!” The woman called back her Pokémon to its Pokèball. “Darn that kid…he’s such a pain.”
“No problem, Bonnie! I’ll handle this for you!” The second Team Aqua member declared, as he threw one of his Pokèballs towards the trio. “Masquerain! Whirlwind now!”

“No! Kyle! Don’t use—” It was too late. The Masquerain already whipped up and whirlwind that captured Brendan, May and Wally tossing them into the air.

“May grab my hand!” Brendan yelled through the rush of wind. May grasped his arm, struggling to maintain her grip on Wally.“What an idiot,” Brendan thought to himself. “This is our chance to escape! No wonder that lady can’t stand that guy.”

“Now Masquerain! Use gust and blow ‘em outta here!” The team Aqua member commanded, and his Pokémon executed the order. The Pokémon’s wings flapped harder and harder, creating a strong northern wind that blew the trio out into the distance.

“We’re blasting off again, suckers!” Brendan yelled tauntingly, as his voice faded away in the distance, accompanied by a giggle from May.

Brendan looked toward approaching clouds with pride. The escape didn’t turn out the way he wanted to, but at least they managed to escape. Though something just didn’t seem right. That escape felt too good to be true for some reason. “Well what matters?” Brendan thought, grinning as he inhaled the cool wind. “At least for now we’re out of that hole-in-the-road, and I still have this cool gemstone thing!”

They glanced back at the two ant-sided Aqua members with teasing smiles and then vanished into the clouds with a small glint. But what Brendan, May, and Wally didn’t expect would be more trouble and danger heading onto their way. No one had expected that Team Aqua and Magma, Hoenn’s most notorious crime gangs, would be hunting down these three young trainers.

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Well...until the next chapter right ^_^!

I really don't like making up OC's with official characters >_> feels like it's deriving from the main idea...but not to worry! Bonnie and Kyle (and Clyde, but he'll appear next chapter) are going to be minor characters, appearing here and there, but not everywhere o_o Just needed people like Jessie and James, though not like them exactly ^^;

This is only my first fic...so I'd expect a couple mistakes...please, I need some costructive critism! ^^;

Thanks for reading! =D

Brian Powell
22nd November 2005, 1:46 AM
*Laughs while nodding* Very good.

I'm a big fan of comedy, and you've tickled my funny bone (okay, bad pun). I particularly liked this bit...


“Ahh! Here she comes!” May screamed as the woman slowly walked towards them. “You guys, if this is the end, I just want to let you know, you’re the best friends I have ever had.” May ended with a tear in her eye, as Brendan, still trying to reach for a Pokéball in his pack, smiled back at her, and Wally, red in his face, managed to reply with a small grin. “And Brendan, I’ve always wanted to tell you something, ever since the beginning of this…that…THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”
LOL XD

Although, may I point out that there are a few errors and I'll point a couple out.

1. Paragraphing: Example with solution (in bold)

“Psyche!” Brendan smirked. “Mudkip! Distract Milotic with Bite!” Brendan, with his free hand, threw the Pokéball at the woman’s face then unleashing the cuddly blue amphibious Pokémon Mudkip. (Press enter here)
Mudkip raced up Milotic’s spiraling body and bit its nose as Milotic furiously tried to shake Mudkip off its face. With that, Milotic’s Bind started to loosen up, and Brendan and May fell out, both carrying Wally down.

I saw other errors but I'll leave them to you because I think you can manage and I don't have time to be a grammar nazi. A grammar nazi is a person that picks out every mistake. The length is okay but you should work on it a little bit more.

Apart from those negatives, excellent.

Rating: 4/5

PS: Brilliant artwork BTW. I've always been a fan of your work.

Note: I sent an earlier review and I tried to edit it but something went wrong, so I had to delete the old review. >_<