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RedJirachi
23rd November 2005, 6:30 AM
Prolouge:There are over 380 species of Pokemon.Make that 385.No wait,386.Just recently,a digital space Pokemon,known as Deoxys,has been discovered in the Aurora Island."Interesting stuff",Giovanni smirked,petting his Persian."Tell me,Cassidy and Botch,how did you obtain this information?""It's Butch!",Butch said."Oh yes,we got this information.And we know just where to get more heh heh{everyone starts to laugh manaiacly}

That was just the prolouge.I'll do more of it later

Klaus
23rd November 2005, 6:44 AM
Prolouge:There are over 380 species of Pokemon.Make that 385.No wait,386.Just recently,a digital space Pokemon,known as Deoxys,has been discovered in the Aurora Island."Interesting stuff",Giovanni smirked,petting his Persian."Tell me,Cassidy and Botch,how did you obtain this information?""It's Butch!",Butch said."Oh yes,we got this information.And we know just where to get more heh heh{everyone starts to laugh manaiacly}

That was just the prolouge.I'll do more of it later


Um, WOW! I'm really sorry, but um, this just Bad. But, I know that other's will
say much worse.Let me point out errors.

First: It's way to short, I read it in five seconds.

Second: You lacked so much description that it wasn't funny. I could actually see all of it, but some people here will chew you out over it. SO, get more description.

Third: I don't know if you broke any rules but I do know that you need
to improve on this or it will get closed.

Just read the "Advice for Aspiring Authors" and then read other fics.

Hope that helps.

As always, be kind to the mime.

Dragonfree
23rd November 2005, 9:01 AM
Too short. Read the rules. If next chapter does not comply with length requirements, this will be closed.

DKzM0mA
23rd November 2005, 12:25 PM
Omg...this is truly the dark ages for Sppf fanfictions...I would like to critizise you but O_O nothing I can say that Klaus hasn't already told you. MAKE IT LONGER AND MORE DESCRIPTION. DESCRIPTION IS LIKE YOUR ARMS IN BASKETBALL. WITHOU YOUR ARMS YOU CANT MAKE A SHOT AND IN FANFICS WITHOUT DESCRIPTION YOU CAN'T MAKE A FIC.

FANFICTION RULES (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=30002)
ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19)
READ THEM, LEARN THEM MEMORIZE THEM -_-

RedJirachi
24th November 2005, 7:05 AM
Too short. Read the rules. If next chapter does not comply with length requirements, this will be closed.
Actually,that was the prolouge!Here's where we start:

Part 1
"Ahh,another beautiful day!"John spoke."The sun is shining,the Pidgeys are singing,and all is well.But know it's time to fight!".Currently,our hero John obtained the S.S Tidal ship to go to the Battle Island.Battle Island lives by it's name,and trainers can battle.It also has a museum showing many ledgends.

At the moment our hero is fighting trainer Peter.It's a one-on-one match,Albert's Gardevior against John's Octillery."Gardevior,use Pyschic!"commanded Peter.A powerful wave went from Gardevior to Octillery."Octillery!!"Octillery cried."Quick Octillery,use water gun!"John commanded.Octillery used water gun so quick,it seemed like time was fast-forwarding itself.However Gardevior dodged.She seemed so quick,gliding through the air."You can't defeat me!"Peter taunt.Gardevior used a thunderpunch,just about to hit Octillery,when a net came and blocked the attack!

"Hey,the net came from that DNA balloon!"Peter summoned."It's Cassidy and Bart!"John concluded."IT'S BUTCH!"Butch cried out.Cassidy and Butch then sing their motto,wearing suits of what they believed Deoxys looked like.
"Where is Aurora Island?"Cassidy ordered.John suddenly had a flashback.
When he arrived on Battle Island he saw a mystical island,vanishing into aurora.[End of flashback]Cassidy is annoyed and sends out Hypno.Butch sends out what he thinks is a Geodude,but is really a painted Voltorb,which starts to evolve.Suddenly,Aurora Island appears."Perfect!"Cassidy smirked."We got a snapshot of Aurora Island at the same time Electrode evo.."Suddenly,Voltorb explodes and turns into an Electrode."We may be defeated,but we've got the information we need"Cassidy smirked."Will be riccccchhhhh..."{they vanish out of sight}."We should be able to avoid them"John said."So I booked us on a cruise called...Titanic!"

End part one

The Burnt Shadow
24th November 2005, 7:18 AM
Well first of all that was way too short. You need at least post one page for a chapter. Secondly you need alot of description don't just put names like Albert or John, describe then, their hair, what they're wearing and also put a bit of description on pokemon what they look like, some people don't have any ida how some look like. Work harder and try and follow a few of the readers advice. There are no bad ideas or writers...

DigitalKaede
24th November 2005, 7:18 AM
Um..this is still short. Way too short. Who is John? What does he look like? What do all of the characters look like. Plz read the Advice next time.

EDIT: Beaten.