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View Full Version : A Dish Best Served Cold (Prologue; One-Shot; Action; Some Violence)



mindripper
23rd November 2005, 7:04 PM
As promised, here is the prologue to my upcoming Fic, No Man Is An Island. It just gives a little backstory to the main character, and is a short enough story to read and enjoy at the same time. There is also a certain biblical quote in there, and a few references to films and the like.

Well, description is relatively precise, and enough hints have been dropped about the main character, even though many more will come and go in times to come. Without further ado, I present the prolouge to No Man Is An Island:

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Revenge, at first though sweet, bitter ere long back on itself recoils. Vengeance, covenant and creed, rights naught but thyself despoils.

--

He thrashed in vain, a euphemistic velitation against a fate most unsavoury. Opalescent arms clawed wildly at an umbrageous firmament, thickly embellished and culminated from the various frailties of Man, equal parts Fear, Despair and Hate, clutching at imaginary straws, even as the very air sucked greedily at the last dregs of hope remaining in his broken body, already torpid with apathetic malaise. Directly above, the noxious sky was a fermented broil of darksome clouds, as if it was some diabolical parallax nexus, forming an effective canopy which prevented any light from seeping through. The very ethos of the place resonated with ill intent, and if not for the immutable screams of some unimaginable hapless victim, amplified by the negativity that oozed from every primordial pore present, one would hear the faint piping of some infernally cursed tune, temperate in amplitude but a dread superincumbent weight on any who would hear its abominable consonance.

The ground itself was in a state of salient turbidity, suckling its quarry much like a Portuguese Man-o-War would drape its victims in a mocking caress, ever so slowly drawing him towards its murkily edacious maw. A mouth opened to scream, but only served to churn the negative emotion in the air into a whirling storm of translucent semi-rigidity, before a rush of muddy loam silenced it forever. His hands were held rigidly aloft, in vain hope reaching some form of solidity that simply was not present, or to touch some form of hope amongst the somber nebulousness that the very air personified. Those very fingers would still have been clawing for salvation even as they were swallowed by the insatiable maw, where eternal dissolution would beckon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother Nature had validated her tag as the greatest artist of them all, an inspiration among muses. A dazzling halo of afternoon light scintillated down onto earth from its perch in the deeply indigo sky, offset and foiled by uncounted terraces of puffy white clouds, drifting lazily in seemingly suspended motion, moving errantly in one direction, before compensating in the other, all the while forming collages of perceptual imagery along their itinerant motion, limited only by one’s vacuoles of supposition.

Beneath, the sea was an ever-changing plethora of alternating peaks and troughs, an expanse of serene tranquility occasionally broken by the errant dolphin or Wailord. Innumerable pinpricks of sparkling lambency served as a fitting tribute, as well as a fitting furnishing to Nature’s dual nature, the sea reflecting and borrowing its luster from the sky, and yet making the latter seem all the more incandescent, while engaging in a vicious cycle from then on.

A yacht streamlined its way through the azure sea, literally making haste while the Sun shone, making its way towards a partially forested peninsula in the distance. Its two inhabitants were both decked out in decidedly naval blue and white uniforms, with gold buttons and trim, completed by a foolish looking baret, as well as a not-so-foolish-looking pistol. Of course, no two clandestine operators would be complete without their full array of Pokeballs as well, and those were hanging from a modified belt which each wore, and which coincidentally held their pistols as well.

“Lawar, I hope to high heavens that we get there soon. I absolutely cannot wait to finish this job and get paid.” The sailor who was driving the yacht broke the icy silence that had been settling between the two, a grimace worn on his tanned face in the way some old veterans of war would wear their battle scars, transforming his features into a nigh unrecognizable mass of flesh, and letting out a sigh to underline his point.

“You got that right, Nolor; these uniforms that are supposed to help us im-per-so-nate the coast guard are absolutely ridiculous. I mean, if our company already has men in the police, and if those very authorities are feeding off our funds, what in the world do we have to be afraid of?” A disgruntled snort punctuated that particularly grumpy reply, even as the speaker absent-mindedly toyed with the safety catch on his pistol.

Behind the two men, in the cargo bay designated for the merchandise they had been slated to transport to a previously agreed rendezvous point, a barrel took those words as a verbal cue, before its lid rose two inches into the air, creating space through which a pair of red eyes stared surreptitiously, before glowering malevolently, and most pointedly, portentously.

“I mean, not even that cache of sapphire medallions is worth all that much trouble.” Evidently, Lawar had more on his mind besides aesthetically displeasing uniforms and corrupt law enforcers.

“On the talk of trouble, perhaps I can be of some worth then?” A decidedly unctuous voice deadpanned, while a furtive glance to their hind quarters by the two sailors gave them a visual insight to the vocal perpetrator—a young man of no more than twenty two, with a lean, wiry frame, flaming eyes and an unpleasant disposition. It could be reasonably inferred, however, that the sailors' eyes were not paying so much attention to their visitor’s physical attributes as compared to his twin Franciscas, with their graceful lines, upswept points and down-turned edges adorning his belt and further wearing out said visitor’s welcome.

“Thanks for the free ride, but as grateful as I am, I would advise you both not to move a muscle, or else.” The threat was left to hang and simmer in the air, as all three men stared unblinkingly at each other.

With a numbingly quick sleight of hand, a single Francisca was drawn in a single fluid motion, held in the man’s left hand, down-turned head facing Nolor’s forehead. A bead of sweat noticeably ran down the sailor’s forehead, streaking his cheek with diluted saline, before falling to deck. Even as the intruder’s gaze turned downwards, tracing the sweatdrop's freefall, Nolor sprang into action, jackknifing a knee upwards, in visible hope of breaking a rib or two. His intended victim had already pirouetted away, utilizing the latent power gifted by the afforded circular motion and cracking an elbow into Lawar’s face. Continuing the motion, he stooped downwards, flicking his wrist in an arc tangentially perpendicular to the back of Nolor’s thigh, severing the hamstring, and stood back even as the resultant spray of blood buffeted his own legs, a layer of visceral liquid running down his pants.

His other leg unable to support the forward momentum gained by jacking his knee upwards, Nolor collapsed onto the deck like a puppet which had its strings cut, screaming in delirious pain. By then, Lawar had recovered enough to draw his pistol, but before the thought of doing anything with it had been imposed on any of his cognitive synapses, the butt of a second Francisca had slammed onto the joint linking his thumb to the rest of his pistol hand, and a sickening crack merely confirmed the obvious. Using the upswept point of a Francisca to extricate the pistol from Lawar’s flaccid grip, the unknown infiltrator chucked the firearm into Davy Jones’ locker, and spun around in such a way that his peripheral vision encapsulated both his victims.

“So, why did the axe cross the road?” A chill smile had crossed the young man’s face. Some smiles show cheer, while some merely show teeth. It would not take a huge leap of logic to figure out which category that smile would fall into.

“I… … I don’t know.” Nolor managed to blurt out an answer, despite being in obviously overwhelming pain.

“Details, details. Just ask him yourself!” A flick of a wrist, and a precognitive widening of the eyes later, the head of one of the two Franciscas had found its mark in the middle of Nolor’s right chest, piercing through flesh and bone as easily as a hot knife would cut through butter. There was no possible contrivance for the dying man to let out one last shriek of pain, anguish or terror, as his lungs quickly filled with crimson blood, a fact quickly borne out by the silent gurgling of blood by the downed man, even as his hands sought purchase on something solid, a final subconscious refusal to believe in the inevitable.

Lawar had instinctively taken a step backwards, and fell to his knees, begging for mercy.

“May the Lord have mercy on me.”

“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

You and your kind showed no mercy to me before. Since the Lord would have mercy on you, the least I can do is to arrange that meeting.”

An axe head flashed downwards, and to an onlooker, would seem to be a unique knighting mannerism by some member of the monarchy, while the resultant spray was highlighted even more by the evening sun, cloaking all in a blood-red veil of serendipity.

--

The sanguine beauty of the evening sun had given way to a tenebrous layer of Stygian night, bedizened exiguously by several impuissant stars, mirroring their past of years ago, even as the unfathomable expanses of the sea kept out of vision’s reach, its constant erosional tussle with the land the only clue to its presence. An Edenic calm had descended over the whole area, a geography of peace imposed over the hustle that daylight would suffer. He saw only visions of fire, of screaming, of bleeding, of scarred visages once held dear, of Death itself, and of his own survival. Resolve and hate simmered beneath his calm countenance, reserved both for his enemy and for himself.

His right hand gripped a Francisca, with two seemingly new notches carved onto the blade surface, while his left gripped a Pokeball. “Snap, our game begins tomorrow. Finally, after all these years, we are… … We are home.”

“Mother, Father, your son has returned, ten years too… … late.” His voice broke as he finished the sentence, and he gripped his Francisca all the tighter for it.

They bit off more than they could chew.

Astor had returned home.

Caveat Emptor. Caveat Emptor.

He had left plenty of space on his Francisca blade faces for new notches.

Revenge is a dish best served… … COLD

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Note:

A Francisca is a throwing axe used by Vikings, and the little poem is actually a quote from the bible, and is used for characterisation.

Elemental Charizam
23rd November 2005, 8:17 PM
He thrashed in vain, a euphemistic velitation against a fate most unsavoury. Opalescent arms clawed wildly at an umbrageous firmament, thickly embellished and culminated from the various frailties of Man, equal parts Fear, Despair and Hate, clutching at imaginary straws, even as the very air sucked greedily at the last dregs of hope remaining in his broken body, already torpid with apathetic malaise. The sky was a fermented broil of darksome clouds, forming an effective canopy which prevented any light from seeping through. The very ethos of the place resonated with ill intent, and if not for the immutable screams of some unimaginable hapless victim, amplified by the negativity that oozed from every primordial pore present, one would hear the faint piping of some infernally cursed tune, temperate in amplitude but a dread superincumbent weight on any who would hear its abominable consonance.
Wow, what a vocabulariffic (not a real word) first paragraph; to be honest, I think it limits your audience as I wouldn't imagine there are that many people here that understands every word there =/ Stylistically, I personally dislike beggining decriptions with things like 'The sky was a...' becauseit just seems a rather lazy way to construct sentences. Plus I just plain don't like it :D Personal qualm, though, so meh. The last sentence was rather long, though you kept to the topic, with so manycommas its easy to lose yourself the other side and use the wrong forms of words, if you see what I mean.

Language had an undesired effect on me; it took me out of the story whenever I puzzled over a word, which was two or three times overall. Not good.

Though there was little discovered from this prologue that you didn't tell us in the thread, it was presented quite nicely and the italicized piece was quite intriguing, and I have a few ideas as to what it might be. Dramaticized ending (... ...COLD) was overdone a bit; I reckon it would've gone better with only one elipse, or none at all. IMO, obviously.

mindripper
23rd November 2005, 10:55 PM
Yeah, I know about the style, but i do not know if I should change my style just to appeal to more people.

You know, when I wrote that over the last couple hours, I felt that the italicised portion had one or two parts that did not flow. Will edit later. As for the end, I wanted to have a little B-moive kinda easter egg. Guilty pleasure. And no need to excuse your opinions. They are just as validated as anybody else's.

Spewy05
25th November 2005, 10:02 AM
I thought this was going to be a poem. Some words I don't know, but I found it written well! That guy is cruel.

Ouallada
25th November 2005, 11:38 AM
One-shot, and a prologue as well. I will review this first, seeing I will be handling all one-shot reviews for the awards as well.

Mindripper, your greatest ability is also your greatest shortcoming. You have a great natural writing ability, and your extensive show of vocabulary had me scrambling at times, and the way everything is meshed together gives your descriptive paragraphs a distinctly ethereal quality. For example, even if a word gives me difficulties, I subconsciously get the feeling that the word is right where it belongs, and that the description is poorer without it. It almost has a rhythmic quality. As I said, your greatest ability is also your greatest shortcoming. Your descriptive style is superfluous and relies on a lot of flair, but you do have a knack of pricing yourself out of others' categories. Showboating aside, let me say for the record that it is my opinion that most people around here would love to have a style like that, BUT as of now they probably would not take very kindly to READING something written with said style. Your first two paragraphs, as well as the short prose right at the start, were extremely intimidating in terms of wordplay and usage, and that will not sit kindly with some of the people aound here. They may never get past those two paragraphs. On with the rest of the stuff.


Mother Nature had validated her tag as the greatest artist of them all, an inspiration among muses. A dazzling halo of afternoon light scintillated down onto earth from its perch in the deeply indigo sky, offset and foiled by uncounted terraces of puffy white clouds, drifting lazily in seemingly suspended motion, moving errantly in one direction, before compensating in the other, all the while forming collages of perceptual imagery along their itinerant motion, limited only by one’s vacuoles of supposition.

Beneath, the sea was an ever-changing plethora of alternating peaks and troughs, an expanse of serene tranquility occasionally broken by the errant dolphin or Wailord. Innumerable pinpricks of sparkling lambency served as a fitting tribute, as well as a fitting furnishing to Nature’s dual nature, the sea reflecting and borrowing its luster from the sky, and yet making the latter seem all the more incandescent, while engaging in a vicious cycle from then on.

While not so imposing as the italicised paragraphs, these two are a refreshing take on Nature's beauty, albeit possibly still putting other people off.


before glowering malevolently, and most pointedly, portentously.

Very pointed description.


flicking his wrist in an arc tangentially perpendicular to the back of Nolor’s thigh, severing the hamstring

There it is again. That knack of making everything flow stylishly. While good from a pure writing view, some people are going to have to stop and wonder what a tangentially perpendicular arc is, and then try to visualise it i their heads. To those who had to do that, it might tae away a little from the notion.


“So, why did the axe cross the road?” A chill smile had crossed the young man’s face. Some smiles show cheer, while some merely showed teeth. It would not take a huge leap of logic to figure out which category that smile fell into.

“Details, details. Just ask him yourself!”

Alrighty, that is a one-liner sequence to remember.


a precognitive widening of the eyes later

Was this widening done by the victim or the intruder?


“May the Lord have mercy on me.”

You and your kind showed no mercy to me before. Since the Lord would have mercy on you, the least I can do is to arrange that meeting.”

Another sequence that shows what kind of character and the kind of mercy your main character has. The biblical quote sandwiched between makes the point much more poignant, although I cannot really imagine anyone saying those lines aloud! The poem, I mean. Perhaps you should have used another quote, or perhaps you were just trying to make the character seem all the more like some cocky and heartless cross between a villain and a hero. I do not know.


An axe head flashed downwards, and to an onlooker, would seem to be a unique knighting mannerism by some member of the monarchy, while the resultant spray was highlighted even more by the evening sun, cloaking all in a blood-red veil of serendipity.

Impactful scene, and a great way to end off that portion. The relatively simple words there, as well as the imagery of knighting being tragically parodied, as well as the evening sun offsetting the spurt of blood is very well done indeed.


Snap, our game begins tomorrow

Is "Snap" a verb or a pronoun? if the latter, is it referring to the enemy or a Pokemon?


They bit off more than they could chew.

Astor had returned home.

Caveat Emptor. Caveat Emptor.

He had left plenty of space on his Francisca blade faces for new notches.

Revenge is a dish best served… … COLD

Very dramatised scene. Some will like it, some wil not, but all should agree that it is powerful enough way to sign off. Oh, buyer beware indeed.


His right hand gripped a Francisca, with two seemingly new notches carved onto the blade surface

He had left plenty of space on his Francisca blade faces for new notches.

I was wondering why you used "carved" and not scored or scratched. In light of references, would this be one of them? Specifically, an ode to the pirate tradition?

All in all, you have shown great range as a writer, and partially because anyone who has read the Song of Life or anything by you will know how different this work is from those. From descriptive poetry to poetic description, you have convinced me at least that your flexibility and natural ability ranks highly indeed, but the key is to convince yourself to put a leash on that ability at times, to tone down sequenced when you have to. A fiction is something that the reader mut be able to partake in, and a lot of people are going to be intimidated by your words. Otherwise, it has been a pleasure, and I took joy in making my first review in over a week, and in dissecting your work as well. No Man Is An Island should be just as good, and I await.

The Burnt Shadow
25th November 2005, 11:59 AM
Another good one. You always know how to interest readers. Good description and that was good prologue. I especially like this part you wrote...


“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Well overall it's a pretty impressive start, especially with all the description and vocab. This fic of yours will do well...

katiekitten
25th November 2005, 2:01 PM
Yet again another fabulous work from the famed mindripper. :)

It is a good very good start to what should be a fantastic fic, from what I saw here and in the Authors cafe. Great description, but I do have one little quirk. I don't recognize quite a few of the words in the first part. I will put them below, in bold from the extract... (The ones I believe I have heard before are in italics)


He thrashed in vain, a euphemistic velitation against a fate most unsavoury. Opalescent arms clawed wildly at an umbrageous firmament, thickly embellished and culminated from the various frailties of Man, equal parts Fear, Despair and Hate, clutching at imaginary straws, even as the very air sucked greedily at the last dregs of hope remaining in his broken body, already torpid with apathetic malaise. Directly above, the very sky was a fermented broil of darksome clouds, forming an effective canopy which prevented any light from seeping through. The very ethos of the place resonated with ill intent, and if not for the immutable screams of some unimaginable hapless victim, amplified by the negativity that oozed from every primordial pore present, one would hear the faint piping of some infernally cursed tune, temperate in amplitude but a dread superincumbent weight on any who would hear its abominable consonance.

The ground itself was in a state of salient turbidity, suckling its victim much like a Portuguese Man-o-War would drape its victims in a mocking caress, ever so slowly drawing its murkily edacious maw. A mouth opened to scream, but only served to churn the negative emotion in the air into a whirling storm of translucent semi-rigidity, before a rush of muddy loam silenced it forever. His hands were held rigidly aloft, in vain hope reaching some form of solidity that simply was not present, or to touch some form of hope amongst the somber nebulousness that the very air personified. Those very fingers would still have been clawing for salvation even as they were swallowed by the insatiable maw, where eternal dissolution would beckon.

Yeah, there's quite a lot. A little bit of advice, maybe try not to use so many big words in description. It's fine in poetry, but I don't think it quite works in fanfictions. But that is just my opinion.

Apart from that, it is spectacular; as always. :)

Xiang
25th November 2005, 2:06 PM
Do you PM me to ask me to read your work and compliment it? Because I can really find nothing wrong with it (as I am not experienced in reviewing on flow and that category.

The description and really big range of vocabulary shows brilliance, but it seems a little too flowery. It's a whole mass of visualizing and then getting confused. If I were to read it, perhaps a few words could be simplified so I could get the picture. The two italicized paragraphs are the ones I could not interpret, but the next to I got it. (Nice metaphors! ^^)

Overall, your work is very impressive, but it seems too impressive. Doesn't make sense, does it? XD

mindripper
25th November 2005, 5:29 PM
Omg, that is one heck of a long review, and because it does not focus on spelling errors it means that I have a lot to answer to.


There it is again. That knack of making everything flow stylishly. While good from a pure writing view, some people are going to have to stop and wonder what a tangentially perpendicular arc is, and then try to visualise it i their heads. To those who had to do that, it might tae away a little from the notion.

Yeah it has become a habit. Everything has to seem ethereal when I have descriptive paragraphs. A tangentially perpendicular arc is not really that hard to visualise if you know what a tangent is, which I am sure many f the people know. You underestimate them a little, Ouallada.


Alrighty, that is a one-liner sequence to remember.

This fellow is someone who is pretty damn anti-heroic. He probably had the deaths of those two sailors on his mind all along, and was just looking for a way to validate and cindicate his actions. He is not necessarily a brave or honourable person always, as will be shown in later chapters.


Was this widening done by the victim or the intruder?

By the victim, as is proven to be a reflex action before abrupt death.


Another sequence that shows what kind of character and the kind of mercy your main character has. The biblical quote sandwiched between makes the point much more poignant, although I cannot really imagine anyone saying those lines aloud! The poem, I mean. Perhaps you should have used another quote, or perhaps you were just trying to make the character seem all the more like some cocky and heartless cross between a villain and a hero. I do not know.

As I have said, the character will be fleshed out gradually, and yes, it does show the kind of merct, or lack thereof that the character shows to those in his way. Obviously toying with them.


Is "Snap" a verb or a pronoun? if the latter, is it referring to the enemy or a Pokemon?

Will be revealed in chapter one.


I was wondering why you used "carved" and not scored or scratched. In light of references, would this be one of them? Specifically, an ode to the pirate tradition?

Yup, very glad someone spotted it. Those notches were not a result of wear and tear, but rather were carved into the blade surfaces of the axes by the main character himself, with each notch representing a kill. Was it a pirate tradition? It could have been. Or it might have been a Mongolian tradition. Will check it out.


Yet again another fabulous work from the famed mindripper.

Katie, I am not famed by any stretch of the word.

For all those words that you had in bold, every one of them does exist, although some are in rarer forms. "Euphemistic", for example, is drawn from "euphemism", while "consonance" is drawn from "consonant". Some words, like "velitation", are pretty rare words that cannot be found in all dictionaries. If you would like me to, I can contact you with the full list of the words' meanings.


Do you PM me to ask me to read your work and compliment it?

Lol. I PMed you asking you to critique the work. I really hoped to have someone dissect my fic like Ouallada did above and tell me something which I can work on. Glad you enjoyed it in any case.

As to description, there is this unwritten benchmark within myself that I try to reach every time I write something as far as description goes. I want to do it to almost the best, if not the best, of my abilities. I understand that it might not always be the wisest choice, but it is the only choice that I can live with. As for the words, I do not use a thesaurus. Blame it on my younger formative years, when I was about in primary school. I used to read a damn dictionary, and had an interest in old, archaic words. You know what they say about words-- use a word thrice in writing, and the word is yours to keep forever. That is mainly how I manage to remember those words, even though it has been so long ago, and if I feel that another word would do better than a simple version, I tend to veer towards using the more appropriate word, even though some may not understand what it means.

Elemental Charizam
25th November 2005, 5:29 PM
Oullada's post made me think. I think it was the flow that was the problem in the beggining; your mind usually fills in words you don't know for you from the information gleaned from either side, but here mine just didn't. Meaning and flow seemed to be dragged to the altar of 'impressive' words every so often.

Asfor the IMO thing, I wasn't trying to make excuses for my opinions, just people are generally more ready to read & take heed if you slap IMO on the end :P Plus I was working pretty much solely out of opinion and not generally accepted standars and such.

mindripper
25th November 2005, 5:34 PM
You will be surprised. Have changed from last time. Unless it is a direct insult on myself, I am pretty receptive of critique.

It is a terrible dilemma. If you were in a situation when you were describing something and you feel that a more difficult word would do much better than a simpler one in getting the true meaning across, would you use that word or compromise? I am talking about the meaning that the author wants to get across, not a compromised version of events in which substitute words are used because the optimum one is archaic? I understand that meaning would be lost if the reader does not understand, but would meaning not be lost from the author's POV if he is not allowed to use all tools at disposal? i really do not know.

In my only defence, I will just say that at least I feel that it had an ethereal, otherworldly feel, as compared to my more mundane paragraphs where everything is restrained due to circumstance. You ever had such problems before?

Wes
25th November 2005, 6:19 PM
Very very well done mindripper. I like your style even more after seeing this. You just get and build up the tension nicely while giving us some good details. ell about what you siad...well readers do have to undertsand the point your're trying to get across...but it be a shame too not to use all the words avalible right now as well...perhaps not too often? Anyway nice job. You always make interesting reads...the serious styled ones as well...question...why wite the prologue as a one shot to your fic? I don't usaully see that done but just curious that's all.

Naraku_Diabolos
25th November 2005, 7:17 PM
“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.


That's my favorite quote from the Bible and A Walk To Remember in the wedding scene. Always makes me cry... I have the movie and I watch it constantly. I love Mandy Moore <3 Too bad I claimed her on the Celebrity Thread. ;)

Anyways, the FanFic sounds good. It has a dark mood to it. Do you use a Thesaurus on words that have common meaning and replace them with advanced spelling? I do that on school projects and essays that are typed.

However, the advanced method you used with thesaurus words might be a bit confusing. I had to use my Microsoft Encarta Dictionary/Thesaurus/Translator to read and understand some words.

mindripper
25th November 2005, 9:14 PM
Very very well done mindripper. I like your style even more after seeing this. You just get and build up the tension nicely while giving us some good details. ell about what you siad...well readers do have to undertsand the point your're trying to get across...but it be a shame too not to use all the words avalible right now as well...perhaps not too often? Anyway nice job. You always make interesting reads...the serious styled ones as well...question...why wite the prologue as a one shot to your fic? I don't usaully see that done but just curious that's all.

Hmmm, my writing style was always more suited towards serious topics, but T&T was immense fun to write as well. This work is just meant to ensure that some questions are already answered before the fic even begins, and at the same time posing a few more, which not many will spot as of now, I guess.

As to why I wrote this as a one-shot, the story itself will have to wait a couple weeks at least, and I did not want to leave the thread hanging for so long. Besides, the prologue can stand by itself as a work, and thus I made the decision. I will add the prologue to the story when I post it.


That's my favorite quote from the Bible and A Walk To Remember in the wedding scene.

Ah, glad you like the quote. I watched that movie, but cannot seem tor emember hearing that quote in the movie. Need to watch the DVD again, I guess. Digressing from the topic, while Mandy Moore is undoubtedly a fine specimen, she seems to have lost it a little in terms of career and after the whole Roddick affair, IMO.

Oh I do not usually use a thesaurus. As I mentioned, thanks to my reading of a Webster's when I was younger for some weird reason I cannot fathom right now, I have a lot of words swimming in my head right now. Usually I just check to see if the word's meaning is what I remember it as, and then use it. Very rarely do I use a thesaurus, as that is not vocabulary, it is plain verbage, at least most of the time.

Dragonight
25th November 2005, 9:59 PM
Well done on the fic this is the best one I've seen
EVER
;149;

mindripper
25th November 2005, 10:57 PM
Well done on the fic this is the best one I've seen
EVER

New reader, always good. Well, you made my headache feel a little better. Look out for the fic itself. It will not be any poorer than this. Astor was a damn fun character to write about.

Chibi Pika
25th November 2005, 11:02 PM
*Opens mouth to speak.*
Silverwing;249;: Go ahead Chibs, I'm anxious to see what you can possibly say when you didn't understand a single word in the first paragraph. *gets clobbered.*

I'll say right off the bat that this is different--unlike any one-shot I've ever read, even if it is a prologue at the same time. Now...I'm unsure of whether my dislike of the first two paragraphs is because I think it doesn't fit, or because it has a way different feel than the rest of the piece, or because I have a very small vocabulary and didn't understand a word of it, let alone how it all fit together.

I dunno, I'm supporter of the view that a deep, mature piece can be achieved with the showy use of language, but I can't diminish this work's quality simply becuase it isn't quite my taste, and in any case, I doubt show had anything to do with your word choice.

Now, once it got into the main story stream, I managed a better grip upon exactly what was transpiring, although even then, there were quite a few parts there I didn't catch what it meant until two paragraphs later. Sort of like when you read something with distractions in the room--although you're reading every word, hardly any of it registers in your mind. Although distraction played no part for me--I'm alone right now.

I must admit, however, that "ask him yourself" line was pure gold. ^^

But anyways, I've pretty much babbled on like someone who has no idea what she's talking about throughout this whole thing.

Yeah...*shuffles off.*

~Chibi~;249;<?>;rukario;

mindripper
25th November 2005, 11:13 PM
I'll say right off the bat that this is different--unlike any one-shot I've ever read, even if it is a prologue at the same time. Now...I'm unsure of whether my dislike of the first two paragraphs is because I think it doesn't fit, or because it has a way different feel than the rest of the piece, or because I have a very small vocabulary and didn't understand a word of it, let alone how it all fit together.

Hey there, I cannot say too much at the moment about why the first two paragraphs are in there, but suffice to say that it will be further explored once the fic itself gets under way. I wrote the first two paragraphs to feel very very different, I wanted to achieve an otherworldly effect that the rest of the fic would not have to such an extent.


I dunno, I'm supporter of the view that a deep, mature piece can be achieved with the showy use of language, but I can't diminish this work's quality simply becuase it isn't quite my taste, and in any case, I doubt show had anything to do with your word choice.

I believe in a slick style, but I do not try to show off, and never will I do so.


Now, once it got into the main story stream, I managed a better grip upon exactly what was transpiring, although even then, there were quite a few parts there I didn't catch what it meant until two paragraphs later. Sort of like when you read something with distractions in the room--although you're reading every word, hardly any of it registers in your mind. Although distraction played no part for me--I'm alone right now.

Basically, that was the effect I wanted, and also partly why this is a one-shot, because it is partially intentional that questions are left unanswered.

For example, not many people are going to catch the notion of carving notches into weapons as a means of counting kills, but Ouallada sort of got that. There are a couple more references, though.


I must admit, however, that "ask him yourself" line was pure gold. ^^

And many more to come from the man himself, although you will get to see a little bit of why he is not everybody's idea of a hero.

All in all, I am really glad that you reviewed, and were not merely complimentary. THANKS for the review, and I hope to be able to repay the favour.

Ouallada
26th November 2005, 10:41 AM
Yup, very glad someone spotted it. Those notches were not a result of wear and tear, but rather were carved into the blade surfaces of the axes by the main character himself, with each notch representing a kill. Was it a pirate tradition? It could have been. Or it might have been a Mongolian tradition. Will check it out.

Do let me know on that one, the knowledge will be useful. I like the symbolism for that one.


Some words, like "velitation", are pretty rare words that cannot be found in all dictionaries. If you would like me to, I can contact you with the full list of the words' meanings.

That is right, I could not find it in my dictionary, and it was a pretty comprehensive one. I did find it on a site for rare and difficult english words. I do not know if that is a good thing, though.


I used to read a damn dictionary, and had an interest in old, archaic words. You know what they say about words-- use a word thrice in writing, and the word is yours to keep forever. That is mainly how I manage to remember those words, even though it has been so long ago, and if I feel that another word would do better than a simple version, I tend to veer towards using the more appropriate word, even though some may not understand what it means.

Reading a dictionary? That has to be a first for me. I do not know if you are doing the right thing by flexing your verbal muscle. To me, it can be a double edged sword. On one hand, it can really impress, as I can tell that those words were interwoven with a good deal of skill, and were not simply replaced using a thesaurus. On the other hand, Charizam has a point in noting that people do get sidetracked by these words. Charizam, there is no need for the inverted commas around "impressive", because many would kill for a vocab like that, and the ability to use it.


Overall, your work is very impressive, but it seems too impressive. Doesn't make sense, does it? XD

On the other hand, it does make perfect sense. You write like an optimist, one who believes mostly in the inherent beauty of the language when used properly, but mostly choose to put less emphasis on the realistic side of writing, and thus price yourself out of range at times. If you had been writing for learned adults, they would appreciate it much better, although I would say the words used would still stump several. As it is, people are still impressed by your work, as is to be expected, but I am guessing that most of them do NOT truly understand your message, and perhaps some are impressed by the fact that they are overawed by the words.


I'll say right off the bat that this is different--unlike any one-shot I've ever read, even if it is a prologue at the same time. Now...I'm unsure of whether my dislike of the first two paragraphs is because I think it doesn't fit, or because it has a way different feel than the rest of the piece, or because I have a very small vocabulary and didn't understand a word of it, let alone how it all fit together.

Another one to prove my point. I understand what you were writing about, and I understand why those two paragraphs were written that way, and why they deliberately distanced from the rest of the story, but some people are not going to figure it out. I am guessing we will find out more about that vision in the future.


I believe in a slick style, but I do not try to show off, and never will I do so.

I believe you on that, but it is so so easy to believe that you are showboating. I can tell when a person is merely using formulaic description, defined as the supplanting of big words into an ordinary descriptive style, in the hope that those additions would make one seem more learned. I have edited enough works by people who do that, and I snicker every single time at how well these words backfire. It actually makes a person who does that seem inherently insecure and worse off than he started off. You have no such problems, but others migh see that as a problem.

And yes, after reading your preview again in the AC, I like the one-liners even more. Unlike Chibi Pika, I like the second one better. The victim asking for the Lord's mercy, while Astor offers to arrange that meeting. That one is just good. However, you might want to be careful. A character with those kind of lines may seem like a badass, and it may be contradictory if he seems a little cowardly in the future, but it could add a lot of depth and realism if done well. Good luck on that, and hope to see your responses to my questions soon.

Praxiteles
26th November 2005, 3:08 PM
Hi! It took me a while to come here, but better late than never, as I always say!

Anyways, it seems that the others have already highlighted the important parts, so I only have one mistake and a strange phenomenon to tell you.
First, the mistake.


The ground itself was in a state of salient turbidity, suckling its victim much like a Portuguese Man-o-War would drape its victims in a mocking caress

In this sentence, the repeated word 'victim' (which I've put in bold) just stuck in my mind. As all good authors know, not putting enough distance between two words which are the same is never a good thing!

Otherwise, it's one of the best fics I've read, and is way up into the rank of superior fics.

mindripper
26th November 2005, 3:35 PM
Ah great point there. Thanks! I edited already. Do you see any other problems?

Kei
26th November 2005, 4:39 PM
Great Job Mindtripper. You Intrested me. It was very poetic and had a great flow to it. You used originality along with a serious topic and it just drew me even more into the sotry. Keep it up, k? Ha-ha.

Power Shot
26th November 2005, 5:17 PM
Interesting, you are using a unique style of writing here. My recomendation is to continue as you are, it was a very interesting read. It got dull at a few points, owing to the style in itself is meant to describe more than is necassary. I enjoyed this nontheless, and hope you continue. Just make sure to use bolder writing.

Elemental Charizam
26th November 2005, 6:51 PM
I quasi-understand the reason for the first two paragraphs; that is to say, I can think of an explanation, I'm just not sure if it's the reason MR did it. Also oullada, the '' were to indicate a quote. I was quoting somebody in the thread, though not MR, not saying it was a dubious comment. Vocabulary isn't everything though.

Ouallada
26th November 2005, 7:09 PM
oullada

Nitpicking here, but its Ouallada. No biggie, though.

Charizam, if we were to have a situation in which you knew those words being used, and did not have to use experience to proxy their meaning, would you agree or disagree with the use of such words in stories, especially when the author is able to do so. I do not think you feel that this was supplanted from a thesaurus, do you? Yes, vocabulary is not everything, but to a certain extent, it shows someone's range, and you simply cannot take away from the fact that the author has meshed everything together with consumate flair, and the only deficiency is that of the readers to understand, which included myself for a couple of words. Not defending the point that readers MUST understand what is going across, of course, as that is the whole point of writing, but I would have to say it is a great dilemma to have.

What lines do we draw when talking about vocabulary and restrictive measures? Burakki was right when she said it seemed too impressive for its own good, and I believe you are validated as well, as is the author's choice in using the full range of his vocab, and as is my assessment. In a situation like this, something has to give. What?

Sike Saner
26th November 2005, 7:56 PM
Yum.

Seriously, yum. This is the kind of thing that always makes my day to read. It's stylish, it's descriptive as hell without being forced in any place, and on top of all that, it's entertaining. If the way that the prologue alone managed to hook me is any indication, I am doomed to become hopelessly addicted to your upcoming story; I just know it.

This is another of those instances where I could cite the whole damn piece as a highlight, but I'll be merciful and just say that the italicized portion in the beginning (especially that opening line, yum...) was particularly excellent; also, I will highlight the following piece. It's already been highlighted, and don't be surprised if it is highlighted at least once again in the future. It's just that good.


“So, why did the axe cross the road?” A chill smile had crossed the young man’s face. Some smiles show cheer, while some merely showed teeth. It would not take a huge leap of logic to figure out which category that smile fell into.

“I… … I don’t know.” Nolor managed to blurt out an answer, despite being in obviously overwhelming pain.

“Details, details. Just ask him yourself!” A flick of a wrist later, and a precognitive widening of the eyes later, the head of one of the two Franciscas had found its mark in the middle of Nolor’s right chest, piercing through flesh and bone as easily as a hot knife would cut through butter.

It's just priceless, everything about it. It really is.

It's pieces like this one that help keep me in love with literature and with the English language. Boss work, man. Boss work, indeed.

lilbluecorsola
27th November 2005, 12:27 AM
My, my, mindripper. You are as good as I've heard. I am in complete awe of your vocabulary. You certainly know quite a lot of impressive words.

Now, as people had said, this may or may not be a drawback. Me, I don't have much of a problem with it, though I would prefer to read something a bit simpler. I was still able to understand the basic scenes due to key statements, and that's really all that you need. However much description you add on only helps to reinfore whatever point you're trying to convey. Sometimes overemphasis can be a pain and ward readers off, and you were perhaps a bit close to the borderline, but I don't think it was too extreme. What matters is whether or not you were able to explain clearly to the reader a single thought or action, and despite the fiction's overwhelming appearance, you were mostly able to do so.

Even if I didn't know what a Francisca was, I was able to quickly determine that it was dangerous, and later on, that it could kill. I understood that this man wanted revenge, that he had been denied mercy and was merciless himself. That is all I need to know. Indeed, isn't that what you were trying to tell us all along? If I am correct, the point of this story was to reveal to us a part of a character you've created. You have succeeded in showing us a dark, ruthless side of him, a wounded and dangerous man who seeks revenge for something we do not yet know, and are most likely not supposed to. If that was your goal, then allow me to congratulate you on having reached it.

You are an excellent writer, mindripper, with a great amount of talent. I commend you on your acheivements so far, and expect your future fictions to be phenomenal, though there is still some room for improvement. I am only here to direct you on matters that I think most important; I leave the small stuff to other, more detailed reviewers. If you would still like me to review any other works, however, I shall be happy to.

Pinecone Tortoise
27th November 2005, 6:53 AM
Wow. That was amazing. Your vocab is without a doubt the most extensive I've come across. Your description is brilliant - I especially like the bit about the clouds as terraces. But I must say your style can make the action a bit thick in places. It's very easy to visualise, but I found myself re-reading in several spots to grasp the meaning of the sentences. A tad too heavy and verbose, I thought.

Also, the style with the killings and all is not really my thing. Too dark for my likings. (But then, I've been known to shy away from anything above PG.) Whilst you have a technically brilliant masterpiece, my preferences lead to different topic matter.

So congratulations on a wonderful demonstration of your mastery of the English language - it was truly spectacular. If you keep writing, this could get a fan group of readers who truly appreciate quality. Be well,

Piney.
;204;;324;

Typhlogirl
27th November 2005, 6:55 AM
OMFG VOCABULARYYYY...*head explodes* I BOW TO YOU!

Anyway.

That was some serious stuff mindripper. While the vocabulary blew my little mind away, that might just be the problem. I see that other people have mentioned it too. Some of the words in there I just didn't understand. Maybe it would be advisable for you to...dumb it down a bit. It would make the fic a bit easier to under. Granted, having an amazing vocabulary like yours is incredible, but we're not all so lucky. ^_^;

The plot seems very solid and original. Astor sounds like a cold blooded killer. I can't wait to see what kind of pokemon Snap is! I particularly liked the reference to making notches on his axes...very cool.

To be nit-picky, I'd say you should just have left the ...COLD part at the end out of capitals. It would have a more chilling, dramatic effect that way, which I think was the look you were going for.

Over all, this sounds like a very interesting story. I'll be reading!

-;157;

katiekitten
27th November 2005, 2:08 PM
If you would like me to, I can contact you with the full list of the words' meanings.

That would be nice, thankies. :) I knew the words existed, I just have never seen them before. :)

mindripper
27th November 2005, 6:30 PM
Great Job Mindtripper.

God, you made me sound so daft! But I know you did not mean it, right? Haha


Just make sure to use bolder writing.

Ah, what kind of bolder writing are you talking about? Could you please please specify?


Yes, vocabulary is not everything, but to a certain extent, it shows someone's range, and you simply cannot take away from the fact that the author has meshed everything together with consumate flair, and the only deficiency is that of the readers to understand, which included myself for a couple of words. Not defending the point that readers MUST understand what is going across, of course, as that is the whole point of writing, but I would have to say it is a great dilemma to have.

I will try to answer your questions in greater detail another time, Ouallada. I am really lacking in time right now.


Seriously, yum. This is the kind of thing that always makes my day to read. It's stylish, it's descriptive as hell without being forced in any place, and on top of all that, it's entertaining. If the way that the prologue alone managed to hook me is any indication, I am doomed to become hopelessly addicted to your upcoming story; I just know it.

This is another of those instances where I could cite the whole damn piece as a highlight, but I'll be merciful and just say that the italicized portion in the beginning (especially that opening line, yum...) was particularly excellent; also, I will highlight the following piece. It's already been highlighted, and don't be surprised if it is highlighted at least once again in the future. It's just that good.

Thanks, SS. I wish you had let me know if you disliked anything, though. Oh, I do like that line, but I guess a line is only as good as the character who spouts it. Good luck with your comp!


My, my, mindripper. You are as good as I've heard.

You must have heard it from some false sources. I heard that you are good, though. Ironic, huh? Oh and thanks for being to the point here. I would say that you did get the main gist of the story, and what I wanted to put across. Some things are not meant to be revealed here, and they will not be.


Also, the style with the killings and all is not really my thing. Too dark for my likings. (But then, I've been known to shy away from anything above PG.) Whilst you have a technically brilliant masterpiece, my preferences lead to different topic matter.

Dang, how unfortunate that you dislike the notion of violence. i guess I have lost a great reviewer.


That was some serious stuff mindripper. While the vocabulary blew my little mind away, that might just be the problem. I see that other people have mentioned it too. Some of the words in there I just didn't understand. Maybe it would be advisable for you to...dumb it down a bit. It would make the fic a bit easier to under. Granted, having an amazing vocabulary like yours is incredible, but we're not all so lucky. ^_^;

Yeah I understand your point. I need to go think about it. Will decide after being inspired by my upcoming review blitz. I am not sure if I can get through your fics in time, though, but I will try, even though you never ask for any in return.


To be nit-picky, I'd say you should just have left the ...COLD part at the end out of capitals. It would have a more chilling, dramatic effect that way, which I think was the look you were going for.

Perhaps. I will think about it. A little dead now. :P


That would be nice, thankies. I knew the words existed, I just have never seen them before.

Sure thing. I will be contacting you over the enxt couple days. Wait for it. Thanks! Also, if there is anything else I can help you with, you just need to ask. I will try my level best.

Brian Powell
28th November 2005, 10:37 AM
Ouch…

There are a number of words I’m sure that a lot of people are not familiar with (I didn’t at first but y’know, check the dictionary and such). A couple of spelling mistakes here and there but nothing much.

So the main character in your upcoming fic is actually a cold-hearted avenger… my main character’s like that but he prefers torturing people rather than killing because he enjoys that a lot, especially when his enemies hurt his relatives.

My most favourite and, probably, the best part was the way you described the blood and gore when Astor (It’s Astor, right?) was ripping apart those two blokes with his axe. Graphically disgusting, but described beautifully.

Overall: 5/5

Ouallada
28th November 2005, 10:42 AM
I believe that it is ultimately your choice and your choice alone if you wish to tone down the style. It is your work, and you deserve to be proud of it for what you think of it, not what you want others to think of it. Yes, IMO life is great when others agree with you, but when you cannot have your cake and eat it, I feel it is better that you stick to something that you are comfortable with yourself, even if it means scaring a couple people off. That very same style and flair, with the solid ability to back it up is also why people find few mistakes with the work, not because there is absolutely nothing to improve, for every style gives up something in return, but I feel that people may not look for mistakes so easily, especially when there are many other aspects they can look at. Of course, there will be those who do not pick out mistakes because they do not understand what is going on enough, and it is a choice and compromise you make on your own. I always feel that a great writer deserves to have mistakes picked out more than a newbie does, because that last portion to the writing zenith is much harder to cross than the raod you have taken thus far.

What I could do for you is to list out some points which I feel could be served better. Of course, everything is in my opinion, and I may be taking long shots, but it is a way to improve, if you want. I am not talking about spelling mistakes, or even punctuation or flow, because all those are a little perceptionary. We can go into the subtlety, the structure of sentences, the alternation of rhythm, the impact and fit of words (which I must say you have done well) and some deeper aspects. There is ALWAYS roon for improvement, whatever you may or may not admit, and I would be glad to be of service.

~*Ratiosu*~
28th November 2005, 4:56 PM
Prettyful...I liked it very much!

Klaus
29th November 2005, 5:59 AM
AH, aren't we a well read person. I applaud that. Anyway...I liked it
and thought it excellent in description. It seemed both original and
entertaining. Keep it up sparky!

As always, be kind to the mime.

mindripper
29th November 2005, 5:22 PM
So the main character in your upcoming fic is actually a cold-hearted avenger… my main character’s like that but he prefers torturing people rather than killing because he enjoys that a lot, especially when his enemies hurt his relatives.

Glad to see that we think alike. Yup, the name's Astor. I would not call him an avenger, or even a hero, but more of an anti-hero, and even then only because he is the lesser of two evils. There will be a much larger dose of Astor's particular brand of justice in the fic itself, and his other character aspects will be fully revealed.


I always feel that a great writer deserves to have mistakes picked out more than a newbie does, because that last portion to the writing zenith is much harder to cross than the raod you have taken thus far.

You know, I agree whole-heartedly with that.


What I could do for you is to list out some points which I feel could be served better. Of course, everything is in my opinion, and I may be taking long shots, but it is a way to improve, if you want. I am not talking about spelling mistakes, or even punctuation or flow, because all those are a little perceptionary. We can go into the subtlety, the structure of sentences, the alternation of rhythm, the impact and fit of words (which I must say you have done well) and some deeper aspects. There is ALWAYS roon for improvement, whatever you may or may not admit, and I would be glad to be of service.

That sounds really good. What do you suggest? I would be willing to listen and consider at the least. Everyone has some portion of his/her style to improve.


Prettyful...I liked it very much!

Thank you!


AH, aren't we a well read person.

I am pretty okay in that aspect, I guess. Lol.

Wandering Rhythmical Phoenix
29th November 2005, 11:17 PM
Wow. I'm glad you PMed me about this, or I may have never read it. It was beutiful. I'm looking foward to reading more of your works

Negrek
30th November 2005, 2:59 AM
"A Dish Best Served Cold" is not, as I discovered the first time that I read it, a dish best served at 12:30 AM, which is what time it was the first time that I tried to read it. However, I did decide to come back and have another go at it when my eyes stopped watering whenever I peered at the computer screen, and I must say that my reading experience did improve considerably.

As it is now, I'm still undecided as whether to dub this an excellent example of purple prose or to bow down before vocab mastery. In either case, however, I found most of the reading enjoyable. A couple of things:



A yacht streamlined its way through the azure sea, literally making haste while the Sun shone, making its way towards a partially forested peninsula in the distance.
When in verb form, streamlined refers to "building or designing in a streamlined configuration", so it does not quite work in that sentence. Also... sun is capitalized?

In addition, dunno, but you woulnd't normally call the people on the ship its "inhabitants" unless they, you know, actually called it their home. While they do seem a seafaring pair so I guess it's possible, it still sounds a bit strange to me.

Driving the yacht, are they? I guess it's got an engine... Though the rest of the piece gave me the impression that this was kind of set in an earlier time. In which case you'd say sailing, no?


Its two inhabitants, both decked out in decidedly naval blue and white uniforms, with gold buttons and trim, completed by a foolish looking baret, as well as a not-so-foolish-looking pistol.
This sentence has no predicate. It looks sort of weird to have it stand as a fragment, too. Its two inhabitants what?


Evidently, Lawar had more on his mind besides aesthetically displeasing uniforms and corrupt law enforcers.

Than would sound better than besides in this sentence, IMO.


A flick of a wrist later, and a precognitive widening of the eyes later, the head of one of the two Franciscas had found its mark in the middle of Nolor’s right chest, piercing through flesh and bone as easily as a hot knife would cut through butter.
I don't like the later, later repitition. Also, the middle right chest thing is an odd way to put it.



His right hand gripped a Francisca, with two seemingly new notches carved onto the blade's surface, while his left gripped a Pokeball.

In addition, there were a couple of places that I didn't really like your commas, but couldn't remember a specific rule to back me up, other than they look out of place to me.

Anyway, I think that overall you did well in the description department. You sort of wallowed a bit too much in the long, jumbly words near the beginning and towards the end as well, which slowed things down and gummed the narrative up a bit, which I didn't like. I'm sure that you've heard enough harping on usage of difficult words, so I won't go into that, either.

Overall, an interesting prologue. I don't know if it stands terribly well as a one-shot, but for a prologue, fine. Interesting start; your character is interesting, but he will be a very difficult one to control. He could be done very well or very badly, but I'm sure you'll do your best to make it the latter, ne?

So, ambitious beginning, as I've said before. Overall, I liked it.

mindripper
30th November 2005, 1:46 PM
When in verb form, streamlined refers to "building or designing in a streamlined configuration", so it does not quite work in that sentence. Also... sun is capitalized?

Actually, I meant it as a minor wordplay with the meaning of the verb form of streamlined, which can be taken to mean the organisation of a form which offers least fluid resistance, as well as the noun version as the alternative hypothesis. You will find this term used a lot in the physics of fluids, which is where I learnt it. Scientific jargon, I know, but I cannot help its influence.

Sun is either capitalised or not. Depends on the context. If the context denotes the sun as a pronoun through emphasis or personification, then capitalisation is a must. Otherwise, it is optional.


Driving the yacht, are they? I guess it's got an engine... Though the rest of the piece gave me the impression that this was kind of set in an earlier time. In which case you'd say sailing, no?

It is not set in earlier times, but rather a little like the pokeon world we know right now, with instances of high technology, and also instances of low technology. Will touch more on that later.




This sentence has no predicate. It looks sort of weird to have it stand as a fragment, too. Its two inhabitants what?

Grammatical error. Thanks a million for spotting it.


Than would sound better than besides in this sentence, IMO.

I do not know about that, as "than" would require two levels of obvious comparison. In this case, it is simply an addition to the present circumstance, rather than a comparison between two variables.




I don't like the later, later repitition. Also, the middle right chest thing is an odd way to put it.

Later repitition was a little lazy on my part. Corrected now. I just removed the former one. Well, when I studied biology, the chest is divided into two, like the heart is divided into four, and thus it was perfectly normal for us to name the portion of the chest to the right of the sternum as the right chest. I ust did the same here.


His right hand gripped a Francisca, with two seemingly new notches carved onto the blade's surface

I cannot make this change. A blade surface of an axe is simply the flat portion of the axe head which precedes the blade itself, while a blade's surface refers to the actual surface area of the cutting edge.


In addition, there were a couple of places that I didn't really like your commas, but couldn't remember a specific rule to back me up, other than they look out of place to me.

Punctuation is always gummy to dictate on, because the rules themselves are bent very easily. It really is more a preference than anything else.

As for the words, I feel that if you had a cannon but choose to fire only a musket, you would not be doing yourself justice. I will rein myself in where I can, but I will never shy away from a word if I feel the need to use it.


Interesting start; your character is interesting, but he will be a very difficult one to control. He could be done very well or very badly, but I'm sure you'll do your best to make it the latter, ne?

I guess we would be able to decide that for ourselves in the future, nay?

All in all, great thanks for helping me hammer out some chinks, and I enjoyed the review. Thanks!

Kawaii Kyuubi Kitsune
30th November 2005, 11:36 PM
Wow, how do you get so many reveiwers? I only have something like three for my fic, yet here you have a lot more.

As for your actual one shot: It is very describtive but I'll have to reread it once I recover from my cold if I'm to tell you anything useful.

Act
1st December 2005, 12:18 AM
wh00twh00t, who's actually doing a review requst on time? That's be ME.

This isn't too long, which makes me happy. I'm terrified of purple prose. Gotta try and enjoy this... deep breaths...

Anyway.


Revenge, at first though sweet, bitter ere long back on itself recoils. Vengeance, covenant and creed, rights naught but thyself despoils.


I'm really unsure about the comma placement and word usage here. In the first sentence the commas seem fine, but if you take the phrase out you end up with "Revenge bitter ere long back..." which doesn't make much sense. In the second sentence, you have 'covenant and creed' describing vengance in the weirdest way. I feel like a word is missing-- I think there should be a 'both' before covenant.

I'll say one thing for you, Negrek was right. I'm not sure if this is vocabulary mastery or purple prose. One of my big problems with the latter is that people start to misuse words, but you know what you're saying. Thank you.


Opalescent arms clawed wildly at an umbrageous firmament, thickly embellished and culminated from the various frailties of Man, equal parts Fear, Despair and Hate, clutching at imaginary straws, even as the very air sucked greedily at the last dregs of hope remaining in his broken body, already torpid with apathetic malaise.

This is one long sentence. With the listing, it becomes complicated to read, and to figure out where the bulk of the sentence was I had to go through it two or three times. Maybe end it after 'straws', for the reader's sake?

---

Alrighty. Done!

The beginning was very slow, and the flowery vocab really grinded me down, but as it went on I found myself enjoying it more and more, as you stopped telling us things, and started showing the story.

There were a few times syntax seemed a little weird to me, but it wasn't anything too major.

It's a shame I'm an idiot, really. I know there was some underlying message, but I can't see it.

Nonetheless, I did enjoy it. I don't think it would work at all as a one-shot-- there's not enough rise and fall of action for it to pass as a real plot, and it seems too abrupt-- but it's an excellent prologue.

He's an interesting character, but I do have to wonder if you'll begin to resort to his tendency to massacre for the shock and awe effect, as opposed to a real emotional reaction. Do avoid that; I heate character robots.

Good luck. Whenever (and if) the next installment it released, I'll be here.

mindripper
1st December 2005, 5:46 AM
I'm really unsure about the comma placement and word usage here. In the first sentence the commas seem fine, but if you take the phrase out you end up with "Revenge bitter ere long back..." which doesn't make much sense. In the second sentence, you have 'covenant and creed' describing vengance in the weirdest way. I feel like a word is missing-- I think there should be a 'both' before covenant.

Actually, I would say that those two lines actually stand great by themselves. The first line is actually an offshoot of Milton's paradise lost. "Revenge bitter ere long back on itself recoils" is simply read as "Revenge, being bitter before long, then recoils on itself", as "ere" in this context actually means "before", and the syntax is just following what Milton would do. The second line rhymes with the first on two occasions, and has rhythm with the first as well. When I referred to vengeance as a "covenant and creed", I wanted to give the impression that vengeance was a binding agreement that one had to see out, ie a covenant, as well as a belief, ie creed. And as you probably already know, vengeance is self-destructive.


There were a few times syntax seemed a little weird to me, but it wasn't anything too major.

I know. I have this terrible habit of using older syntax at times, kind of like an ode to the great authors of yonder day. Writing poems does not help as well, as such language is used pretty often in poetry.


Nonetheless, I did enjoy it. I don't think it would work at all as a one-shot-- there's not enough rise and fall of action for it to pass as a real plot, and it seems too abrupt-- but it's an excellent prologue.

It was not meant as a one-shot per se, even though it can stand on its own reasonably well, but rather because it will precede the actual story by at least a couple weks, and I did not want to leave the thread dormant till then.


He's an interesting character, but I do have to wonder if you'll begin to resort to his tendency to massacre for the shock and awe effect, as opposed to a real emotional reaction. Do avoid that; I heate character robots.

Bottom line was that he was so fun to write about. He will do more of what he is doing, and his flair for that aspect will increase, but there will also be other facets of the character that I cannot show in this prologue, but which will be fleshed out more. When I wrote about him, I just envisioned what I would do as a human being in that same situation, under the same emotional stress, and therefore his fallacies will be very human, even though he is talented in what he does.

Oh thanks for the review. I will be reviewing for you as a reciprocation. My thanks go out to you. Look out for the review.

Ledian_X
1st December 2005, 6:23 PM
Well, the first thing I have to say is that you have a very good vocabulary. Just in the first paragraph alone, I had to look up some words in the dictionary and it was like the SATs. Not that that's a bad thing! It's good that you have a command of the English language. But, if you were to write to a younger audience, you might want to tone down the large words for their benefit, without dumbind it down. A task, I think you can do!

Secondly, I think the characters are well thought out and deep. I'd love to see more of your work that isn't a one-shot. You have a very clever imagination and that'll take you far in the world of writing. Keep up the good work! It's very deep!

LX

Mud the Ivysaur
2nd December 2005, 10:10 PM
I think you did a great job. As far as I can see, your an excellent writer. Keep up the good work. I rate this a 5.

mindripper
2nd December 2005, 11:51 PM
Well, the first thing I have to say is that you have a very good vocabulary. Just in the first paragraph alone, I had to look up some words in the dictionary and it was like the SATs.

SATs? I am not sure that is a good thing. SATs were ridiculously boring and a waste of time. Pretty easy, though.


I think you did a great job. As far as I can see, your an excellent writer.

Well, I try my best. Glad you like it.

Guitar dude bill
3rd December 2005, 10:57 PM
Good. Not really my sort of thing but amazing story. But I think the little amount of pokemon it has in should well. Be cut out and this should be made into a non-pokemon fic. An absoloutely TON of description. To be honest a bit too much. It creates so much atmosphere it's hard to adapt to action (not like fighting and stuff. Just doing stuff.) Very good use of exciting words. You don't really make mistakes that I noticed. The only problem is that it's so good that it kinda makes it difficult to imagine. But still this is an amazing fic.
Plotline: for a fic. Very original. Revenge stories rule!
description: Loads! You describe so much
grammar/spelling: Detected no mistakes
Length: I'd say this was the exact right length to be a good story.
Originality: very original. Never seen a fic like it
So this was amazing!
EDIT: no-one complain I reviewed. Mindripper asked for it (strangely)

SnoringFrog
11th December 2005, 7:32 PM
As promised, here is my review of your prologue, A Dish Best Served Cold.

I must say that this was very well written. The overall flow and stlye of this was astounding, and perhaps even better than that of your other fic-- Trials and Tribulation. I did find many parts of it, especially the very beginning, hard to interpret, for your vocabulary is much, much larger than mine. Usually, if I came upon a word that I did not know, I would go look it up and remember the definition for later use, but there are too many for me to do that with this. My mind wouldn't be able to process all that new information very well. Despite this fact, I still very much enjoyed this and am looking forward to reading the main story and expanding my vocabulary as I do so. Great work.

umbreot
11th January 2006, 10:35 PM
No offense, but that new one... it's a bit,..to much for people like me. Heck, I'm in advanced language arts(reading), and I don't know half those words!! Adults and reading freaks( I had to use freaks, but I'm not being rude)might love it but, perhaps if you make it less complicated, tenns and mabey kids might like it. I can see your giving your best shot at being discriptive, however your best shot is too good that some don't understand you. And when that happens, whats the point of writing a story? But that's just me.

Everything but that is great, keep it up.

gladdecease
12th January 2006, 2:06 AM
...brilliant, really. I can see why you were nominated in so many categories for the Winter Awards.

The character in himself seems to be an interesting one...I hope to find out more about him and possibly dissect his reasonings and his character by the time the full story ends.