View Full Version : The New Legends PG-10

Togepi Tournament Champ
23rd November 2005, 9:58 PM
Okay This story takes place five years after Ash becomes a Pokemon Master. He died after stopping a war between Rukario and Mewtwo. Now at Pokemon Academy, a trainer school dedicated to Pokemon Masters that have pasted away, two new trainers have arived. Their names are Envy Ketcher, a boy who has no Pokemon, and Yuki Jade, a girl who never had experienced Pokemon Battles that weren`t on T.V.
Chapter 1: A New Legend

As Yuki and Envy flew to Pokemon Academy, Yuki looked at the sea. After arrival, the students wre seperated into three domes: Mew Pink: the strongest trainers` dome, Celabi Green, the above average trainers` dome, and Jirachi Yellow, the average trainers` dome. Envy, Yuki, and a Lightning Pokemon Fan named Samui, were put in the Jirachi Yellow dome. Because Envy and Yuki had no Pokemon what so ever, they went to the Pokemon Lab that was owned by Prof. Ketchum. On their way, the two met up with Samui, who had just gotten a new Pichu. When Envy entered the lab, he ran strait for Torchick and chose him as his starting Pokemon. However, Yuki took a while to pick her first Pokemon. After a while, she picked a female Mudkip as her Pokemon.

On their way to the Jirachi Yellow Dome, they met up with a trainer from the Celebi Green Dome named Greed. He had a Bulbasaur, a Treeko, and a Chickorita. He almost chalenged Envy to a match, but he only battles triners with three Pokemon. After the encounter they met a trainer named Sutashi. He was wearing a badge symbolising he was from the Mew Pink Dome.

"Well what do you know? It`s wanna them weak begginers," said Sutashi.

"Hey I wouldn`t be talking. I mean pink! How weak is that?" said Envy.

"Fine then. We`ll have a battle at the Mew Pink Arena tonight at 11:00PM. The battle will be one-on-one," said Sutashi.

"O.K. then, I`ll be there," said Envy.

As The two trainers continued their way to the Jirachi Yellow Dome, the Trainers ran into a wild Pikachu. As soon as they saw it, the Pikachu ran away. When they got to their dome, Samui was asleep. It was 10:30.

"Ah crap, we got to hurry!" said Yuki.

When they got to the Mew Pink Arena, Sutashi was waiting. Envy sent out Torchik. All Sutashi did was laugh. "You really think a Torchick will stand a chanc?" said Sutashi, "Go, Manyula!" "Wait, isn`t Manyula an Ice-type? Then I have the Advantage!" said Envy. "Manyula, use Shadow Ball!" yelled an angry Sutashi. "Crap!" yelled Sutashi. They looked at each other. "I expected nothing better than one of you Yellows!" yelled Sutashi.

"My first battle, lost," said Envy. On their way back to their dome they saw that Pikachu again. This time Envy threw a Pokeball. But it didn`t work. The next day they reported the Pikachu to Prof. Ketchum. " What?! you saw a pikachu that was uncatchable?! I thought that it died." said Prof. Ketchum. "So what do you think it is?" said Yuki. "It might be Ash`s Pikachu. After Ash died we brought it to this Island. But we all thought it died after a strange fire started. Could it be that it didn`t die?" explained Prof. Ketchum.

To be Continued in Chapter 2: Pikachu: Dead or Alive

23rd November 2005, 10:09 PM
It seemed as if you rushed things a little bit. You could also try to describe some scenes a little bit better and you misspelled some pokemon names. If you go to the mian site, the pokedex will help you.

24th November 2005, 12:07 AM
>.< My Lord, this was terribly written.

Firstly, your grammar was horrific. You should be using Microsoft Word to type out stories. At least that way it'll catch most of your mistakes.
But honestly, it was written terribly. You should be proffreading your work, rereading it to catch your mistakes. Or get someone to help you, seeing how atrocious your grammar is.

Pace: the fic goes waaay too fast. Take time to stop and explain things, because half the time we have no clue what's going on. Slow it down and take the time to explain what the academy looks like, what it is, how it works, what it's like there and so on.

Complete lack of description. Not a SINGLE thing was described. We have no clue what any of the characters look like, what any parts of the academy looks like or even the Pok&#233;mon! It's YOUR job as the writer to TELL US WHAT EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE.
Who are Yuki and Envy? How do they know each other? What do hey look like: describe hair color/style/length, skin color, eye color, height, weight and clothing. And how are we supposed to know if they're 6 or 96 years old? YOU MUST TELL US. Describe Greed. How do Yuki and Envy know what Pok&#233;mon he has?

Characters: terrible. Not only do have have no idea what they look like, but they literally have no personalities. I swear, they all acted like drones-mindless robots who can not feel emotions.

Originality: Ypu have to be kidding. This fic is a total and complete rip-off of the new season of Yu-Gi-Oh. Not only is this new season terrible and boring, but it isn't remotely exiting. Because your fic is supposed to be just like it, it's doubly boring and dull and is not exciting, and seeing as it's a copy, waaaay less original. It even starts off with the main characters being in the lowest group and challegenging a more experienced traner to a battle late at night. Yup, a complete and utter rip-off with no interesting twists and no differences from Yu-Gi-Oh, except that it's with Pok&#233;mon.

Plot: See what I said for originality. The beginning of the plot is dumb, makes little sense and again, is a total rip-off of Yu-Gi-Oh. If you're going to try and base the fic off this show, then at least do it so that it isn't exactly the same.
Also, a ton of things don't make sense. Let's go over them, shall we?
*WHEN does all this take place?
*How were Yuki and Envy flying to the academy? Do they have wings?
*How many students were there?
*How were they separated? Were they chosen at random? Did they have tests to see how advanced they were?
*What are the differences between the dones, other than skill level? How could you tell who was from which dome? Did they wear tall pointy heats with the heads of Mew/Celebi/Jirachi on them?
*Who didn't ALL trainers have Pok&#233;mon while some has three?
*Is Ash is dead, why is he a professor?
*Why did Samai get a Pok&#233;mon before Yuki and Envy?
*How did they know Greed's name?
*Why could he only battle trainers with three Pok&#233;mon? What if they had four Pok&#233;mon, or five?
*Why does Envy suddenly start talking about pink?
*Why does he suddenly callenge Envy to a battle for no reason? Why so late at night? And why in the Mew dome and not another one?
*How is there a wild Pok&#233;mon inside a school building?
*Where di the Pikachu go?

I won't even continue.

Needs a lot more work and effort put into it. Nothing more to say.