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Naraku_Diabolos
25th November 2005, 5:22 PM
Prologue

There is a tale in the Gale Region of a boy by the name of Adam. He was living a normal and tranquil life nestled the city of Breezy-Grove with a mountainous region to the west and a bay to the east. Adam is a boy at the age of 18. Like his father, William, he is courageous and takes great responsibility for whatever tasks he does for the townsfolk in Breezy-Grove. His calm water-blue eyes show that he is responsible for any tasks that his neighbors ask him to do. He inherited dirty blonde hair from Alexa, his mother and as well as William’s handsome charm. He recently graduated from Breezy-Grove High School. His well-earned grades are remarkable. Alexa was that good at Adam’s age when she was younger. William, however, was average. He grew up in the Pyro District and moved to the Gale District after marrying Alexa.

There are many struggles and engagements with the military (which goes by the name of the Sentinel Guard) and a wicked organization by the name of Team Mecha. The Sentinel Guard is the divine authority and has a duty to protect the whole Elemental Eve Continent on Earth and to establish safe living for its citizens from strife within each of the six regions. These regions are called districts and were given proper naming due to the environment and nature that thrived there. The Gale District (Capital: Cyclone City), the Pyro District (Capital: Inferno City), the Aqua District (Capital: Torrent City), the Gaia District (Capital: Terra City), the Sol District and the Luna District. Each of the six Districts holds an explanation to the Continent’s many secrets.

Pokémon from around the world are mainly bred and exist here, but newer ones are yet to be discovered. The main District is Sol and the capital of the Republic is Aurora City, where President Courtney resides. She is the head of the Sentinel Guard and uptakes government and economical duties.

However, there is the District of Luna, in which the shadowy crime organization known as Team Mecha resides. It is currently an Imperial force of the Elemental Eve and its capital is Twilight City. Team Mecha itself wants to spread throughout the whole Continent to gain power of the people and Pokémon. Team Mecha has already established a few bases within certain Districts but are hidden from the untrained eyes of the military.


A little bit of history that surrounds the Luna District is that it was part of the Republic 15 years ago, but has undergone changes and has turned into an Empire. The General who was at once a high ranking officer of the Republic was given a dishonorable discharge due to the use of plotting a revolt against the Republic. He was also fined for treating people and Pokemon alike such as objects, either using or killing them for his own purposes.

After being fired from the military, he decided it was time to repay the Republic by giving them a taste in defeat. Word has it that after he was fired from his position from the Sentinel Guard, he fled to the Luna District. A royal family also resides there and has a connection to that of the Republic. However, Luna had not heard about the fired military leader’s status, but they welcomed him in open arms anyways. Soon as Luna accepted the general, and after several months, the general did work behind the royal family’s back and took over their District. Thus, making Luna his stronghold. Upset over the loss of his power in the Sentinel Guard, the General decided to create his own military force that would triumph over the Sentinel Guard; Team Mecha.

One of the most valuable and sought after resources that are used for creating newer and greater Pokémon moves from TMs (Technical Machines) and HMs (Hidden Machines) is the elemental Poké Crystals. These range from the 17 Pokémon Elemental Types. Team Mecha had adapted ideas from the Republic for taking these crystals which the Republic had made them into TMs and HMs. However, Team Mecha had an alternative; in order to harness the power of the crystals, they decided to create deadly TMs and HMs. When a TM or a HM is being made, a certain amount of Poké Crystals is used up in the synthesizing process. The crystals are then melded together to form the disc, thus is the creation of TMs and HMs. However, the Poké Crystals can be used to cultivate foods as energy sources, used to mold and create electronics, tools, accessories, and even furniture. It’s not as different as our world, but it’s unique to what is being imported and exported throughout the Continent and to the rest of the world.

Elemental Pokemon Crystals are harvested throughout the whole Continent. They range from all 17 Pokemon types: Clear (Normal), Flame (Fire), Marine (Water), Plasma (Electric), Flora (Grass), Frost (Ice), Power (Fighting), Miasma (Poison), Sand (Ground), Zephyr (Flying), Spirit (Psychic), Shell (Bug), Marble (Rock), Specter (Ghost), Mystic (Dragon), Luster (Steel), and Necro (Dark). PokéCrystals exist either in caves, canyons, mountains, even farm fields or in cities. They appear as uncut gemstones when unearthed. People don’t just use them for TMs or HMs. They can use PokéCrystals for jewelry or pottery.

Under the order of the General, Team Mecha had adapted his idea of abusing Pokémon to harm people and to use them in crimes. They hold a theory that to harness a Pokémon’s fighting abilities and use them to the advantage as weapons, Pokémon would become killing machines. To do so, Team Mecha has developed scientific breakthroughs to create Pokémon into killing machines, and so they call it the “Hyper Pokémon Project”. By using a similar method of engineering PokéCrystals to create TMs and HMs, the Crystals can also be made into HDs (Hyper Discs, similar to TMs and HMs). Using these manmade discs, a Pokémon can be brought up to be more powerful, although, there are side affects from the use of HDs.

Using an unusual method of PokéCrystal synthesis creates a Hyper Disc. All of the Crystals are used but are enhanced by a bizarre pulse of radiation that is trapped inside the HD. The HD has numerous side affects; when an HD hits a Pokémon, it starts to change, but not like evolution. No, a Pokémon becomes more aggressive and is totally uncontrollable. Nor can it tell between friend and foe. Its sole purpose in this state is to fight until death. The energy that is released from it causes a Pokémon to alter its color. It is not known as a side effect, but it’s not clearly described why it happens. Somehow the elemental energy used by the PokéCrystals and the pulse of radiation can change the way the Pokémon looks.

Many Trainers are aware of unusually bizarre colored Pokemon that rarely appear in the wild, so Trainers have dubbed these Pokémon as being Shiny because the unusual creatures are like rare and valuable gems. A good way to distinguish a Hyper Pokémon from a Shiny Pokémon is hard, but can save you the effort. Hyper Pokémon have a metallic and neon glow and Shiny Pokémon have an iridescent gleam around it and their presence brings about peace and tranquility.

It has also been recently discovered that when a Pokémon has died, their soul is reborn into an Egg. Only in a few instances has this ever been documented. A few documentations of this happening are when a Pokémon was killed in a laboratory accident. Its body lay still for a few seconds, but then it ejected an egg out of its mouth and the body mysteriously vanished. It may sound spooky, but this maybe actual fact rather than fiction.

Adam recently became a Trainer a week ago and only has a pet Growlithe that belonged to his father, William. William was part of the Sentinel Guard, but was in a battle against an unknown Team Mecha warrior. No one knows just who this fighter was. Growlithe was with him, but William was struck down by the person’s Pokémon. Now Adam is currently staying with his mother, Alexa.

The local city’s professor, named Herbert (Herb for short), gave Adam a PokéDex and his official Trainer’s License. There aren’t any Gyms in the whole Elemental Eve Continent, but there are some Stadiums held by the Pokémon League for competition battles in order for Trainers to become Sentinel Force members if they wanted to.


This story is going to have violent scenes, swearing and it will have sensual themes, such as love but not that serious. This story is a mid PG-13. It’s not that bad for younger kids, but they might not understand what the story is going through. So it’s a PG story but it’s rated to ages 13 and up. It may have a lot of cussing, but it’s more of a story that would have a plot line on the standards of Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim.
All Rights Reserved to Nintendo of America ®, The Pokémon Company ®, and Square-Enix ®. Final Fantasy ® is a trademark of Square-Enix. Pokémon ® is a trademark of Nintendo ®.

The Beginning…

Chapter 1: The Appearance of a Beast...

It was a brisk night and Adam was outside chopping firewood in his backyard. His mother, Alexa, told her son that he needed to do so because there was a cold-front coming in next morning. “Yawn...” stretched Adam, “I’m pooped. I hope this is enough firewood. I don’t know how cold it is going to get tonight, though.” The moon was shining brightly through the clouds, while the gusts of wind picked up with leaves dancing about in the air. The cold gusts of air were starting to get to Adam, which he was wearing a short-sleeve shirt. He started to shiver. Adam held up his hands and then blew into them with his warm breath; try to keep his hands warm.

“Hm?” Adam heard a slight rustle amongst the bushes and then suddenly a clawed foot emerged. Adam picked up his axe and clenched it tightly. Then a whole leg appeared, and soon the creature. “Soool...” the Pokemon cooed. It came forward towards Adam, with a limping stride. Adam gazed downward and saw that the creature’s leg was severely injured. Blood was dripping from its wounded leg. The Pokémon looked like large dog, yet it was light reddish brown furred. Its face was a darkened shade of brown. The legs were long and had a spike or a hook where the leg bends. It also had intimidating claws, three on each foot. The Pokémon had a long crescent on its head, colors similar and face. Its tail was also arched and the same brown. Its eyes glowed blue in the darkness.

“Hey, don’t worry buddy...” stated Adam, “I won’t hurt you.” The Pokémon took another step and collapsed onto the ground. He made haste but carefully crept up to the injured and then picked it up. With his arms full, he walked up to his house with the Pokémon in his hands, but kicked the door instead of knocking.

“Mom! I need your help!” shouted Adam.

Alexa came rushing up, “Hmm? What is it, Adam?”

“I need your help, mother. I was outside chopping firewood and this Pokémon appeared. I don’t know what it is. Can you watch it while I go upstairs and retrieve my PokéDex?” asked Adam.

“Okay,” Alexa said nervously.

“I’ll be right back,” said Adam going up the stairs.

“Make it quick, honey. I don’t know if it’s safe to have a wild Pokémon inside the house... Okay big guy, let me have a look at your leg... Hmm...Oh! What’s this? Huh...?”

The light fixture was dull, but it shown something more that caught her eye. Clearly, this was no ordinary Pokémon. It didn’t look normal. There was a warm, glowing shine to its coat. “Oh my God... You’re nothing like any other Pokémon I’ve ever seen before. Adam! Come quickly!”

“Okay, mom,” he shouted from upstairs, “what’s the problem?”

“Hurry, son! I think there is something strange about this Pokémon. It doesn’t look normal...!”

“Hang on, mom, I’ve only got two legs here you know.” He said in reply. Adam rushed down the stairs almost stumbling. “What is it you wanted to show me, mom?” he asked.

“Adam,” Alexa started, “come look over here by the lamp next to this Pokémon...”

“Hold on,” stated Adam, “let me see what Pokémon this is on my PokéDex.”

“Analyzing... Absol, the Disaster Pokémon: Every time Absol appears before people, it is followed by a disaster such as an earthquake or a tidal wave. As a result, it came to be known as the disaster Pokémon. Absol has the ability to foretell the coming of real natural disasters. It lives in a harsh, rugged mountain environment. This Pokémon very rarely ventures down from the mountains. It is a long-lived Pokémon that has a life-span of 100 years.”

“Adam, I don’t know about this particular Absol...it’s not the same coloration on your PokéDex. Look, this one has a reddish brown coloration.”

“Yeah, mom, you’re right...” he replied.

“Dear, I’ll give Prof. Herb a call now. I’ll see if you can ride your bike down to his lab tomorrow morning.” Answered Alexa.

“Okay then, but can I take Growlithe with me than? I don’t know if I might be confronted by a wild Pokémon on the way, so I might be able to battle and capture it.” Adam smiled softly.

“Sure thing, Adam, but get some good night rest now. I have to ask the neighbor if I can borrow his Machoke so I can do lawn work tomorrow morning,” sighed Alexa. “It’s just that ever since your father left us,” she felt like crying now, “I just haven’t had enough spirit to work around the house. It’s tough being a single mother, but I’ll get over it sooner or later. I’ll wake you up when I awake, okay?”

“Yeah, that sounds fine.” Adam said as a response.

“Now,” Alexa began, “I’m going to bind up this Absol’s wound and feed it. We have leftover hot dogs in the refrigerator. I’ll warm them up and feed it that. Take a good rest honey and I’ll see you in the morning.”

Adam woke up the next morning, feeling really good yet very hungry. He groaned coming down the stairs. “Mom,” he asked in a weary voice, “what’s for breakfast? Yawn...”

“Oh, I see that you’re awake now.” She said sarcastically.

“Haha, very funny, mom,” snapped back Adam.

“Okay, we have some cereal, you don’t mind some Wheaties? We’re out of the berry mixed kind...”

“Sure thing. Hey, Growlithe!” Adam yelled.

“Shhh, not so loud. You’re forgetting that the wild Absol is under the table still sleeping. I was up until 3 a.m. this morning feeding him and getting him comfortable. Growlithe was doing his part trying to help me settle Absol down.”

“Sorry, mom,” he answered, “Where is Growlithe anyways?”

“He went to go fetch the paper out on the lawn. Unlike some people who sleep in, mind you.” Alexa winked.

“You don’t have to rub it in, mom...” he replied back.
Alexa glanced out the window. “I also managed to get a hold of Prof. Herb last night. At least he wasn’t asleep. He was trying to wait and listen for the Noctowl to return to their nest in the tree next to his window. He’s seeing where the Noctowl are going to every night and search for food for their young Hoothoot owlets.” Stated Alexa. “On top of that, he’ll be awaiting your arrival at his lab at 10 o’clock. He wants to examine that Absol and see what caused its injury. I also mentioned that the Absol had an unusual coloring as well.”

“Okay then,” said Adam, “Munch...you know...munch...I’m almost done eating now. Let me drink my Moo-Moo Milk as well.” (Milk that is made from Miltank, a cow Pokémon.)

“Okay, now I’m done.” Proclaimed Adam.

“Wow,” Alexa was getting sarcastic again, “do you want a cookie?”

“Mom...anyways, I’m gonna go get dressed now, I’ll be right back.”

“Okay, I’ll be waiting.”

In case you don’t know about Adam and Alex’s pet Pokémon, Growlithe, it is a small dog Pokémon. It has reddish to brown coloration for its fur with dark brown or black stripes. It has tan fur upon its chest and head. A Growlithe is a Fire-type Pokémon. It does have even stats when it first is born, but specializes in attack, special attack, and speed. It protects its Trainer from harm, barking at intruders or any creature that is walking by its Trainer. Very loyal, a Growlithe usually stays near its Trainer at all times. It may even have to use its fire attacks and biting.

5 minutes later, Adam was in his clothes, had his backpack reading and Growlithe and Absol were ready to go. He put on his favorite clothes. He wore his purple shirt that had attachments that would hold PokéBalls and his green shorts that came down to his knees. He also seized his blue backpack from the chair next to his desk. Adam got on his bicycle with Growlithe in the basket. “Okay,” Adam started to say to Absol, “do you want to become my Pokémon? I promise, I will take very excellent care of you.” Absol looked up.

“Sol...” it said and then nodded.

“Okay! It’s settled then! Absol, you’re our newest addition to my family! Poké Ball, go!!”

Absol was captured inside a red light and absorbed into the PokéBall! Like any normal Trainer, you can nickname your captured Pokémon, but Adam decides not to rename any of his Pokémon that he captures or has with him.

“Okay,” he started saying to Growlithe, “did you want to ride in the front basket on my bicycle?”

“Growl!!” Adam took it for a yes. Growlithe jumped into the basket.

Alexa was standing at the door waiting for him to get going. “Okay dear, I’ll be seeing you shortly! Tell the Prof. that I said good morning to him!”

“Will do, mom,” he replied back.

With Adam kicking up the dirt with his tires, he started making his way to the Prof. Pokémon laboratory. It was a pleasant morning. The wind was brisk and very calm. It seemed that the cold-front that went through last night was over in a few hours. Several Pidgey flew by in the treetops while some Rattata scurried across the pathway. Adam knew that it wasn’t the right time to start catching anything at the moment because he had a duty to fulfill by arriving to Prof. Herb’s lab, although it felt tempting to catch Pokémon that were running within his field of vision.

The sun was shining brightly. Growlithe had its tongue hanging out of its mouth, just like any dog would do. “So,” Adam was starting to say, “How long, Growlithe, has it been since we were both alone with each other?”

“Growl growl?” it barked in questioning.

“Yeah, this seems like the first time we’ve been together in a few years. After my dad died, it was lonely. It was a good thing that you didn’t get killed too. Who knows how life would be like having no dog around the house and a good companion to be with? Isn’t that right?” he started rubbing it on its head.

Growlithe’s nose nudged Adam’s hand. “Hehe. Thanks buddy. Ever since my dad died, you were the only one around the house to look after my mother and me. You were a big help after those years. We’re proud of your loyalty to us.”

Ten minutes past, and Adam had made it down the dirt road leading towards Prof. Herb’s laboratory. Growlithe jumped out and landed on the ground while Adam laid his bike against the wall of the building with the kickstand up. Adam walked to the door and rang the doorbell.

“Yes,” replied someone over the intercom, “who is it?”

“It’s me, Prof., Adam.” He answered.

“Oh!” said Prof. Herb. “Come on in!” beeped the intercom shutting off.

“Hey, Prof. Herb. How are you doing?” yelled Adam.

“I’m upstairs, so wait for me. I have to get a book.”

“Okay,” Adam said patiently.

Herb came down the stairs. He was a short man of 5 feet and had thin hair. Herb had grey hair and a small mustache. He wore glasses with thin frames. He had the appearance of a middle-aged man, but was in his late forties. “My,” he stated, “you’ve grown the last time I saw you! I’m doing fine right now. I got my journal from my room. Remember what I said to your mother last night that I was observing a pair of Noctowl? I wrote down some information on the times they were flying in and out of their nest. So, what is it you wanted to show me, Adam?”

“Well, Prof., last night I was chopping some firewood out in my backyard and I heard something rustle in the bushes. I didn’t know what it was, but it appeared to be a Pokémon, called an Absol.”

“An Absol, eh?” he said. “Absol only live in the mountains you know, but they are very rare to spot. I knew one time that in the newspaper around seven years ago, there were an abundance of wild Absol thriving in the mountains but they have seemed to disappear. They must have migrated to another part of the mountains, though. But it’s strange to see an Absol wandering down from the mountains and into Breezy-Grove. That’s a very rare occurrence there, though. Do you mind showing me the Absol?”

“No problem, Prof.,” he said in reply, “PokéBall, go!!”

Absol came out of the PokéBall, with the bandage still attached to its leg.

“Wow!” Herb said in astonishment, “what a beauty! Huh? What? This is something! Adam, this Absol is a different color! I’ve never even seen a Pokémon of a different coloration! What a find indeed! Do you mind walking with me to the lab’s office?”

“Sure thing.” Adam replied.

Walking down the hallway, Adam noticed a picture of a man standing next to the Prof. in the picture.

“Prof.?” Adam asked, “Who’s that young boy standing next to you in the picture?”

“Why, Adam,” he seemed shocked, “don’t you know that that is your father?”

“Huh? It is? He looks like me.”

“Yes, you always reminded me of him. Ever since your dad was a younger Trainer, he was always fascinated with Pokémon. He didn’t want to become like a Prof. that I am. He wanted the world to understand that Pokémon are our friends and make peace between both humans and Pokémon. When he was in his late teens, say twenty years or something, he went the Pokémon Academy of Lilac-Creek Town. There he met your mother. Soon, about three years later, they both married. And then another year later, you were born. Then, after you were 5, William was enlisted in the military. He thought it would be a good idea to serve the community and our city.

“It wasn’t then until your father had to get into a conflict in the Gaia District. He was standing guard one day until he got word that there were some Team Mecha henchmen surveying the area. He had Growlithe along with him, but it was a major mistake. He didn’t realize what Team Mecha was capable of and didn’t understand the type of power they had...

“William didn’t know that Team Mecha had made, for themselves, an extension of scientific breakthroughs with synthesizing TMs. The TMs created by Team Mecha are complete evil. However, I know some people who hold knowledge of how to make TMs that can counter what Team Mecha is making. I can’t remember the names of the people, but if my memory serves me right, they all live in the Elemental Eve Continent. There might be something useful if you can get to it in the north. It’s in the Republican capital of the Sol District, Aurora City. There is also a lab there that does research on TMs and maybe they can give you help on what there is.

“If you need guidance and look for a way to train with your Pokémon, why not fight in the Stadiums held in the capitals of the Districts? Who knows? They do give away TMs and powerful ones too. The founders of the Stadium are the ones who undertake research on TMs from the Republican capital and are distributed to the Stadiums.

“Adam, I’m sorry for rambling on there for a bit.”

“Its okay, Prof. I was listening to what you said. It sounded very interesting.”

“Well now, I’m impressed you didn’t fall asleep! I got something for you. I was able to order a helpful device I found online. It’s pretty popular in the Hoenn Region. It’s called a PokéNavi. All the Trainers who live there have one of them. I got an updated one that has a call system on there. It acts as a cell-phone, and you can keep in touch with your mom and me. Here it is, let me get it out of the drawer on my file cabinet. Come into my office, Adam.”

They made it around the corner and into Herb’s office.

“Okay,” he said while getting it out of the drawer, “here you go, Adam.”

“Thanks Prof.!” Adam said excitedly while grasping the tiny device in his hands. The PokéNavi was oval shaped, tan and had a blue sphere that appeared to be the button to open the device.

“Adam,” he started, “let me register my name and phone number on there so that you can keep in touch with me. If anything bad happens, please call me or your mother so that we can know if you’re going through difficult times throughout your journey ahead, yet I have a little mission I need you to go on...”

“A mission...” Adam said in shock, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Herb stated, “I need you to go up to the Whisper Mountains a little west of here. That Absol you have, it’s a mountainous Pokémon. It only thrives in high altitudes, you see. That’s why I need you to travel up to the mountains and report back to me through the PokéNavi. I need to know what has caused this Absol to wander from the mountains. I also need to know what has caused its injury. If it were a boulder that fell, that’s fine. But I see that its flesh wounds are deep cuts on its left leg. A rock couldn’t have done that damage. It must have been more, something that could have hurt its leg that bad...”

“So, when shall I leave, Prof.?” asked Adam.

“Oh, anytime you’re ready. Don’t worry; it’s not a long hike to the mountains. Out in my backyard is a path I take every-now-and-then to search for Pokémon while doing field studies. Do you want to have some lunch before you hike into the mountains?”

“Sure thing, Prof.”
__________________________________________________ _______________

I have 9 chapters already up. I will update this until I have people who show interest. Yes, this story has items and themes from the FF series. Just wait till you meet the other main character. There's something special about her.

Also, I am the main character. Adam is my real name. Most of the other characters are named after my friends at school. Alexa, my mom in the story, is my childhood friend in real life. She's a sweet and great friend; I've known her since I was 4.

The story, at the moment, is in its beginning stage. After the beginning stage is finished, the main journey starts (that is what I am currently typing on the Word document now). So stay tuned for more info on this story.

The Prologue actually doesn't cover the whole plot line. It does, however, mention the beginning of Team Mecha, what valuable treasures, PokéCrystals are, Adam's description and family, the Districts, what HDs are and how TMs and HMs are made. However, it does not go into the detail into what or how Adam is going to get involved within the story.

Remember, the Prologue 'explains stuff' and it will not give away the details about what will happen later on in the story. It basically is in introduction to what the story has to offer.

Prologue: an event or act that leads to something more important.

mindripper
25th November 2005, 7:44 PM
It is a pretty good fic, I must say, and well done for starting it off on a good note. The length was just right, not too short that I feel a little empty after reading, and not long till I lose my concentration. Ok, I will not lose my concentration in any case, but when you write more chapters it can be intimidating for readers to catch up if chapters are very long.

The description was good, and sufficient to get points across. I also like the fact that you based a character on a friend, and your friend should be rightly proud.

One thing I did not like so much is the structure of your paragraphs. A lot of your fic was dialogue, which is not a very good thing in itself, and is made worse by the cramping of speech, as in you should leave a line between two different characters' speech.

Other than that, not too much wrong, and good luck with your fic. Hope you find some solid reviewers to stick with you. You can look for me if you do not have enough. Always glad to help.

Naraku_Diabolos
25th November 2005, 8:49 PM
Thank you for your review. On a side note, the story is already on my Word file. I currently have 46 of the story already done. And, on another Word document, I have the items, characters, and plot line written down. Heh, for all you viewers who read this story, you'll have to know that this story is going to be VERY, and I mean, *VERY* long. So far that I've written of the story, it's nearly 1-2% of the whole kit-and-kaboodle, so sit tight. I type the FanFic while I am at school, during Study Hall.

Also, because the story is on a Word document, it is double spaced and it is indented. I cannot indent on this forum. I did it when doing a post like this, but when the post is on the thread, it will not show up indented. On top of that, I have a special font on the Word document that cannot be transfered through copying it to a post. Sorry. The font is like Irish/Celtic print.

Guitar dude bill
25th November 2005, 9:08 PM
*laughs* ok, I'm giving and honest review so please don't be offended. This fic was bad with a capital B. why? for many reasons 1. it has little description at the first bit. what does adam look like? 2. even the desciption you did was bad and inaccurate description. you described growlithe terribly 3. you describe things at bad points. you describe someone or something when you see them. not after a conversation about them. 4. you do very little actions. when he got up the milk. did he even drink it. and since when did he go upstairs? 5. it has a bad plotline. someone going to the mountains to find out why he was injured? terrible. 6. it is way too predictable. it is so obvious that the injury had something to do with team mecha. 7. your characters are acting machines. no personalitys. make sure you give them some. 8. it is very boring. no fun to read. make the next chapter entertaining! so the only place you succeed is is originality, length and grammar. and even your grammar isn't great. your storyline is alright. just put more effort into the next chapter!
P.S. do not say that was flaming cause it was telling you what was bad and so it was constructive critisism

Naraku_Diabolos
25th November 2005, 10:46 PM
...that WAS flaming.

You're new to the forums, and you're criticizing someone who's been on here longer? Read carefully to the story, bucko. The characters do have personalities. Alexa, my mom, kids around with the main character even though he's her son. My friend Alexa does that to me in real life too.

Adam DID go upstairs. READ AGAIN. He told Alexa to wait there and he said that 'while going up the stairs.'

So don't be telling me it's bad. THAT IS INSULTING. You're supposed to be helpful by quoting me and then pointing out what needs to be added.

I already reported your butt to a mod, newbie. One more insulting statement and criticizing from you and I'm reporting you again.

THIS IS A WARNING.

On top of that, the story is huge and it's nowhere near completion. You've only seen a crumb of it so far, so don't be making assumptions on how the first part of it is. You don't even know what is going to happen when he goes to the mountains. It may seem boring at first, but it WILL pick up, newbie. So just sit back in your high-chair and wait to be spoon-fed.

Act
25th November 2005, 11:19 PM
Whoa, step back off your high horse and let's NOT be as immature as humanly possible.


...that WAS flaming.

That wasn't a flame, it was an attempt at CC. It wasn't too pretty, but he did file complaints, and even if they weren't valid in your eyes, he was confused and felt you needed inprovement.


You're new to the forums, and you're criticizing someone who's been on here longer?

What, like it's illegal? I'm not sure how you qualify to be extremely rude because you've been here for a long time, but anyone, no matter how long they've been at the forums, has the right to say what they think, and you don't ever have the right to tell them otherwise. What makes you a better person than him? Excuse me while we all bow down to your greatness.


Read carefully to the story, bucko. The characters do have personalities.

Apparently, not enough. If he felt that the characters didn't have personalities, Mature Author takes this into consideration and looks into what s/h/it can do to improve. Immature Author slaps reviewer across the face and asserts her greatness. Maybe your characters are fine in a roleplay, but in fanfiction we need three dimensions. In someone else's eyes, you may not quite have that yet and that's fine. Work on it, don't explode.

Oh, and just because someone does something that real people do does *not* mean they're a well-developed character.


Adam DID go upstairs. READ AGAIN. He told Alexa to wait there and he said that 'while going up the stairs.'

You know, if he was confused you may not have been too clear. Instead of yelling at a reviewer who took his time to actually wade through a fic he didn't like, take his thoughts into consideration, reread, and revise.


So don't be telling me it's bad. THAT IS INSULTING. You're supposed to be helpful by quoting me and then pointing out what needs to be added.

Hahaha. C'mon, that's funny. IT'S INSULTING (wah, wah, help me mommy). But seriously, he told you what he didn't like. God forbid he not what to type up a huge review. With this reaction in mind, I don't think I'd do a quote-by-quote reveiw. It's not worth it for people who act like this.

Do you want to be told your fic was good if it's not? Maybe, but that's not how life works, hun.


I already reported your butt to a mod, newbie. One more insulting statement and criticizing from you and I'm reporting you again.

That's funny, I was thinking of reporting you for lashin out at a reviewer doing his job.


On top of that, the story is huge and it's nowhere near completion. You've only seen a crumb of it so far, so don't be making assumptions on how the first part of it is. You don't even know what is going to happen when he goes to the mountains. It may seem boring at first, but it WILL pick up, newbie. So just sit back in your high-chair and wait to be spoon-fed.


The first chapter of a fic should probably be the best. 'It will get better' is NEVER a valid excuse. You should always be doing your best to make it real and interesting and not be a baby. Welcome to the world, and get over yourself or, in all seriousness, I will cal Dragonfree in.

Naraku_Diabolos
26th November 2005, 12:33 AM
Sorry about that, but he/she was bashing my idea.

IF you were on FanFic earlier this past summer, I had the plot/summary (aka main prologue, though this part where it is the beginning for the first chapter) written. I still have it with me, and I'll PM you back. The plot/summary was suppose to show how the story was going to play out and basically gave the setting on what the story is supposed to be about. Seeing that the person who criticized me was new to the forums, if he/she was on this forum earlier in the year, they would know what the story would be about. I'll add the plot/summary to the first chapter. That is in case anyone who came later (after June when I posted it) will understand what the story will be about. The main character, Adam, was described in the main prologue.

Act
26th November 2005, 12:39 AM
So, he doesn't like your idea. This doesn't mean he should go to hell.

Honestly, I don't care if you give us a chapter-by-chapter synopsis, if the plot is bad, it's bad. And no one *has* to read every little thing you post about your fic. If they need to read it to understand the fic, there is something wrong that you have to fix. All necessary information should be in the fic itself.

I don't like previews. If I wanted to know what was going to happen in a fic, I'd read it. I don't want to know the plot before it happens, and I'm sure people share that sentiment. It's preference and opinion, and you should get used to those ideas.

Really, if it's predictable, that's what it is. Don't whine about the unfair flamer, fix it.

Just for the record, I scanned the fic a few minutes ago, and it's not gold. It's littered with awful grammatical errors that make it painful to read, and the prose is lacking oxygen. I'd really recommend getting a beta.

Naraku_Diabolos
26th November 2005, 12:45 AM
Nope, it won't be predictable; trust me. The story explains how some of the Pokemon originally are and how they would act like real life animals. It also will contain stuff that's original, such as characters, items, and cities. Just wait till you hear about this one city later on. My other friend is in the story as well, and you'll hear how special he is ;) and what he has to do with the city as well. Plus, this boy in real life is hilarious. He's the perfect character to be in my FanFic. You should see him at school. He's a riot.

PS: I'm sending you something on a PM, but it'll be awhile, Act.

EDIT: I am including what the character looks like.

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c212/Naraku_Diabolos/AdamandGrowlithe1.jpg

I had the picture in black and white, scanned it into my desktop computer. I then saved the black and white photo onto Paint and colored in ALL the pixels for the character. For people who want a piece of my art, just right-click it and save it onto a file on your computer. Then just zoom in the picture to look at the detail that I drew for him.

Guitar dude bill
26th November 2005, 7:36 AM
...that WAS flaming.

You're new to the forums, and you're criticizing someone who's been on here longer? Read carefully to the story, bucko. The characters do have personalities. Alexa, my mom, kids around with the main character even though he's her son. My friend Alexa does that to me in real life too.

Adam DID go upstairs. READ AGAIN. He told Alexa to wait there and he said that 'while going up the stairs.'

So don't be telling me it's bad. THAT IS INSULTING. You're supposed to be helpful by quoting me and then pointing out what needs to be added.

I already reported your butt to a mod, newbie. One more insulting statement and criticizing from you and I'm reporting you again.

THIS IS A WARNING.

On top of that, the story is huge and it's nowhere near completion. You've only seen a crumb of it so far, so don't be making assumptions on how the first part of it is. You don't even know what is going to happen when he goes to the mountains. It may seem boring at first, but it WILL pick up, newbie. So just sit back in your high-chair and wait to be spoon-fed.
I'm not a newbie. I've been here a month. and that wasn't flaming. it was constructive critisism. and your not supposed to report someone for flaming. especially when somone else sais it isn't. the report button is for SPAM, harrasment. E.G. and i was pointing your mistakes. if you say why it was bad than it's okay. and i said please do not be offended. so you can't say I'm flaming for constructive critisism. okay i have to admit. you did more description as you went along. but still you did it at extremely bad points. especially with growlithe. and you never said adam going upstairs. and you never even said him drinking the milk. sorry if you were offended. but i was giving you an honest review and it is okay to critiscise. so don't complain. and don't be offended was another form of no offense. and if you don't like the review and think it's flaming. don't bother saying it was. i was only pointing out your mistakes. but okay i believe you can make it more exciting and entertaining as you go along. people are getting really annoying complaining over my reviews.
EDIT: you aren't allowed to do the prologue and the chapter in a different part. if you just complain over reviews that makes you a bad author. and what act said was true about me actually bothering to read your fic cause first time i got bored and couldn't be bothered to review. but i reconsidered. and decided to help you by telling you why the fic was so bad. and you can't take it. and i wasn't bashing. i was donating constructive critisim. oh and act TY for bringing dragonfree in. I'm sure she'd like to sort this out. oh and just consider yourself lucky that it wasn't renegade reviewing this.
EDIT ANOTHER ONE: i read the prologue and realized that your prologue is 5x better. it's a bit complicated but that just makes it fall into the category. it tackled some of your problems but still leaves you with some problems. regions are called districts in this. do you realize that an actual district is tiny. not saying that makes it bad it just makes it very odd. you still have a small problem in the description department. okay we know what adam looks like now but what do his clothes look like? and the only way you described Alexa is that she has blonde hair. what do her eyes look like? and also what do her clothes look like? don't complain about be pointing out your mistakes now cause i'm not being blunt or harsh this time. also the hyper pokemon is kinda like shadow pokemon. i'm not saying you got it off shadow pokemon i'm just saying it's quite similar. oh and don't do like when they say flame (fire.) leave that to be described later. and all the proffesors are named after trees. and so this proffesor is a bit different. but that's alright. two very important things 1. NEVER USE COLLOQUIAL LANGUAGE WHEN YOUR NARRATING, THAT ONLY GOES IN SPEECH 2. DO NOT SAY SIGH AND YAWN IN SPEECH. IT'S LIKE HE'S ACTUALLY SAYING YAWN WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IS SOMETHING LIKE THIS "I'm coming mum." after he said it he yawned. NOT YAWN. I CAN TELL THE GAMES INSPIRED YOU TO DO THAT. DON'T! and don't say prof in speech with the . and say proffesor in narrating. this was a good prologue but i'm just pointing out your mistakes so you can improve. and if you report that your abusing the report button cause it wasn't paticualy blunt or harsh

Yami Ryu
26th November 2005, 1:40 PM
oh and just consider yourself lucky that it wasn't Renegade reviewing this

.... how about you just focus on getting better at actually criting, and not double talking, Blingin G. Okay? -.-

And Naraku_Diabolos, I would actually review your fic, but you'd most likely call me a flamer too, or a noob, or some other ****. So I'll just say your fic turns me off because you have the trainer get a shiny absol, for apparently no reason, without little effort on the kids part, and etc etc etc. And to add to what Act said; it's also lacking a heart and soul to the fic. I mean, sure you think the plot is grande and all that but ... but you sure aren't in the right ball game.

Oh and the Prolouge is more like a Summary to the plot... a very long summary to the plot. Oh, and Blingin G;


you aren't allowed to do the prologue and the chapter in a different part.

Actually, you are allowed to post the prolouge, and then a chapter, later on, aslong as the chapter is in the same thread as the prolouge. As I take it you mean that.

Guitar dude bill
26th November 2005, 1:58 PM
.... [FONT="Garamond"]

Oh and the Prolouge is more like a Summary to the plot... a very long summary to the plot. Oh, and Blingin G;



Actually, you are allowed to post the prolouge, and then a chapter, later on, aslong as the chapter is in the same thread as the prolouge. As I take it you mean that.
yes i meant you can't do them both in different threads. and before you were here this didn't even have a prologue. i know your allowed to do a prologue then a chAPTER. but he claimed he did this in another thread first. oh and i am trying to get better at critting. just review the thing any way. don't worry if he calls you a flamer or a n00b and reports you. he'll just get lectured for abusing the report button. as you don't flame very often anymore. sometimes you do. just not very often anymore. this guy needs your critisism to get good.

Naraku_Diabolos
26th November 2005, 7:51 PM
Well, I'll explain about this particular Absol and it's shiny for a good reason. It has a special purpose in this story and not because it's shiny. See, within the whole Continent, a Pokémon's color will differ from District to District. It will be generally the same color, but the hue would be darker or lighter. If the Pokémon has markings on its body (like the Growlithe's tiger stripes), it will be in a different pattern in the other Districts. Just like animals in the real world, a Pokémon's appearance can change from region to region in the video game.

Notice the Pokémon, Arbok. Have you ever looked at the markings on its belly from every version of the game besides the Advanced versions? Those markings are different because those Arbok are from differnt regions. That's a good example.

And another thing with the Hyper Pokemon. They are going to be similar to Shadow Pokémon (well yeehah >.<) but they will have similar characteristics with, let's say, Shadow Lugia. The Hyper Pokémon will look different alright, but there personalities are different. Ever watched Inuyasha on Adult Swim? Remember when Tetsusaiga was broken in half by Goshinki? Inuyasha's demon blood kicked in and he butchered Goshinki to shreds. The same way he did in the other other episode, "A Demon's True Nature", when he fought the demon moth called Gotenmaru.

Hyper Pokémon become crazed and are uncontrollable. But there might be a way to have this effect from not happening to the HDs. You'll have to wait and see later on in the story.

Also, if you noticed what I did type for copyright laws, you see Final Fantasy and Square-Enix. Yes, there are going to be some elements and things from the series in the story.

Blingin G and Act, sorry for going off on you two. I didn't mean it. Forgive me. Just when you did a review so far for the story, point out what needs to be adjusted and toned to make the story sound more understandable. I see you did so in your last posts. Thanks.

OH! I forgot to tell you guys something else. I noticed a book that seemed like of how I'm typing a story, with the lack of explainations and missing stuff. I read part of the first Harry Potter book, The Sorcerer's Stone, and it seemed VERY dull at first. I found a lot of stuff that was left out like explainations and emotions; it sorta had the feeling of it being incomplete and a bit empty. If you noticed about J.K. Rowling, she wrote the first Harry Potter book when she was a struggling and single mother. She didn't know how interesting her book was going to be to the public. I thought some of the story elements were sketchy, but when the second book came out, the story was making better sense. And with the next books, I felt a sense of completion into making the Harry Potter series more understandable and appealing to readers. You following me?

Yami Ryu
26th November 2005, 8:53 PM
Well, I'll explain about this particular Absol and it's shiny for a good reason. It has a special purpose in this story and not because it's shiny. See, within the whole Continent, a Pokémon's color will differ from District to District. It will be generally the same color, but the hue would be darker or lighter. If the Pokémon has markings on its body (like the Growlithe's tiger stripes), it will be in a different pattern in the other Districts. Just like animals in the real world, a Pokémon's appearance can change from region to region in the video game.

... okay, you just said alot of bullcrap without explaining why you made it shiny. Even if pokemon differ, it would be slight, and it's already been explained that shiny pokemon are rare, as if you'd see in the wild, animals differing against the norm are shunned, killed, or eaten by predators.

There's also the fact your characters accepted the Absol so quickly. It's a 'dooms day' pokemon litterally. And most people, atleast ones I know, would have been freaking out at the finding of an Absol.

I could understand a difference in coat/build/whatever, but not full blown shiny-ness. You just made it shiny because you can.


Notice the Pokémon, Arbok. Have you ever looked at the markings on its belly from every version of the game besides the Advanced versions? Those markings are different because those Arbok are from differnt regions. That's a good example.

... no, those Arbok are from different spriting generations. That holds no water to what you're saying. There might be slight differences if it was irl, but using a game in such a way to try and back up a point is flawed logic.


And another thing with the Hyper Pokemon. They are going to be similar to Shadow Pokémon (well yeehah >.<) but they will have similar characteristics with, let's say, Shadow Lugia. The Hyper Pokémon will look different alright, but there personalities are different. Ever watched Inuyasha on Adult Swim? Remember when Tetsusaiga was broken in half by Goshinki? Inuyasha's demon blood kicked in and he butchered Goshinki to shreds. The same way he did in the other other episode, "A Demon's True Nature", when he fought the demon moth called Gotenmaru.

Ever think no one gives a rat's behind about this? Or maybe that they'd like to find out for themselves, and not have the plot and everything else fed to them via a spoon, slowly over your attempts to try and make your story seem more interesting. The least you could do is hide it behind spoilers for whatever fans you have.


I noticed a book that seemed like of how I'm typing a story, with the lack of explainations and missing stuff. I read part of the first Harry Potter book, The Sorcerer's Stone, and it seemed VERY dull at first.

The first book, is in no way, like your story. The first book, was not dull to me, like your story is. Get off your damn high horse, and stop trying to psycho analize the Harry Potter series, and work on your own. This is not about J.K Rowling's writing capabilities, this is about your fic. Keep it on the subject.

But as I said, your fic doesn't interest me, so please don't attempt to sway me into liking your fic.

mindripper
26th November 2005, 9:14 PM
I say give the guy a chance. Only the first chapter, and no one likes criticism, esp on chapter one. Why not wait for a while and see if the critique is validated or not, instead of just hammering him for all it is worth? Everybody just needs to relax.

Naraku_Diabolos
26th November 2005, 10:22 PM
I say give the guy a chance. Only the first chapter, and no one likes criticism, esp on chapter one. Why not wait for a while and see if the critique is validated or not, instead of just hammering him for all it is worth? Everybody just needs to relax.

Thank you, Mindripper, for saying that. It is STILL the first chapter so don't be judging a book by its cover! If it does NOT sound interesting to you, THEN DO NOT REPLY AT ALL. If you don't have anything nice to say then do not say it at all, like my grandmother and parents always tells me.

Renegade, if you read the PokéDex data for Arbok on R/B versions and LG, it says that Arbok's markings DIFFER FROM REGION TO REGION.

Red/Blue: It is rumored that the ferorcious warning markings on its belly differ from area to area.

http://www.serebii.net/pokedex/024.shtml

So maybe you are the one who should get off their high-horse and act like a responsible person and not a jerk like you are towards me. You have no right to say offending stuff to a person that might seem inferior to you. We are ALL equal people in this world. No one is better than the other and God has made us so in his own image. I was born and raised in a Catholic family and have loving parents who care for their son. I know what is right and what is wrong.

I know what is wrong from you, because you're judging my work by the way it sounds and not the effort I did to make it sound interesting.

Have you ever thought of why I made this Absol to appear Shiny, huh? It is Shiny because it is a special character in the story. Later on, you'll see what I mean by it being special. It's also a different color because it alone is different from the other Absol that might appear in the story and it has a purpose for being a different color.

Shiny Pokémon have a unique role later on in this story. Why do you think that all people look and act differently from anyone else? It's because we were made differently. That is why we have ethnicity in our world.

And in the story as well, every Pokémon that appears will have different aspect for each of the different environmental Districts.

Example:
Mountain Swellow--has a darker coloration and has a larger wingspan in the Swellow species. Eats insects and seeds. Occasionally eats small reptiles such as lizards.
Forest Swellow--has a grayish blue coloration. Has smaller tail feathers and is more of a herbivore. Eats nuts, seeds and berries.

I know that Absol is called the Disaster Pokémon. What do you think the title of this FanFic means by, "Era of Conflict"? WAR. The Absol had appeared for that reason. Actually READ the title from now on. Adam's dad was part of the military and had Growlithe as his companion and ally while fighting against Team Mecha.

1. military war: a continued struggle or battle, especially open warfare between opposing forces
Microsoft® Encarta® Reference Library 2003. © 1993-2002 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

I think I made my point across many of your unawarenesses for my FanFic. I expect you to STOP bashing my story. It's still the FIRST chapter and yet you think it's dull.

Zephyr Flare
26th November 2005, 11:12 PM
Just brought to my attention, not well so slower than usual on top of that.

You've broken one of the rules regarding posting, there is an insane lack of proper spacing causing blocks of text to be a strain on the eye, another rule about what to do if you feel a flamer is there, turned this is a start of a war...

Fraid I'm gonna close, albeit I'm gonna update the rules probabl;y tomorrow depdning on how I am, the existing gives clear enough what you've screwed up on bar blinding with bad formatting.

*closes*

Sandra