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Kei
26th November 2005, 5:55 AM
This is my first fan fic and i'm glad to start on Serebii
Rules? I don't really have many rules. Don't be an *** basically.
I need reviewers ;D enjoy.









Chapter 1: Let It Begin, Wigglytuff vs Cleffable (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=96353)
Chapter 2: Ghost! The Canopy of Darkness (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=2405610#post2405610)



Spotlight: Tale of a Contest Master






I went back and used Ms Word to change the grammar/spelling mistakes in this chapter.
So, its much better. enjoy and review ;D
Chapter 1: Let It Begin, Wigglytuff vs Clefable.



A beam of light, a spotlight, engulfed the outline of a person. As the light died down the figure was drawn out a little clearer. A boy, well . . . young man stood there with his arms folded and his eyes closed. A second later his digits reached the inside of his jacket and grasped a pokeball. With the double-clicking of a button a blood red beam of light drew the outline of a medium sized pokemon and finally filled it in, with a flash of white light the gracefull pink pokemon took the stage. “Wigglytuff!” the pink pokemon called out as it bowed for the audience. “Kei and his Wigglytuff may take the stage . . .” a girlish voice introduced them over the intercom. The crowd welcomed them with enthusiasm. The room finally filled with light, the crowd finally simmered down, and it was his time to shine.

A beam of light, this time not a spotlight, stretched out across the room like an elastic band. “It was a dream . . . not for long though.” He grumbled as he sat upward. He looked towards his open window and saw the elegance of Goldenrod City. He loved seeing that sight every morning to jump start his day and he really needed it this day.

“Honey! You’re awake.” His mother exclaimed as he started his way down the stairs. His mother was washing dishes while listening to Poketalk Radio. He sat down in front of his favorite breakfast, egg sandwich with orange juice and decided today would be a good day.

“You nervous?” his mother asked.

“Not really . . are you?” He taunted his mother already knowing the answer to this question.

“You’re going to be alone . . . ya' know?” She answered back with worry.

“I’ll have Wigglytuff. It'll be fine.” He tried to encourage her.

The conversation ended as he finished his sandwich. He had a meeting with someone and he couldn't be late for this. He headed back up to his room, put on his attire, and picked up the backpack he had packed up yesterday night. It was full of needed equipment for his journey like; money, clothing, food, pokegear, ect.

“I’m off mom, call me . . . k?” He informed his mother quietly.

“Ok honey, I’ll miss you. Your father is coming home in time for the Grand Festival. He'll get to see you!” She said sadly yet with some happiness.

“Ha-ha, I knew he would. Bye . . .”

He went out the backdoor to pick up his Star Pokemon, Wigglytuff. The fluffy pink pokemon seemed to come out of thin air and surprised its owner. " Wig, Wigglytuff . . "

"Hey Wigglytuff, you ready?" Kei asked with excitement.

" Wig, Wiggly. I've been ready" it answered.

They made their way through the beautiful skyscrapers and buildings of Goldenrod City. They were meeting someone, a girl, Sakura. Sakura is Kei's rival. See, they decided to become Contest Master's ever since they were little. Together, they would watch the contest's on TV. every Saturday. Soon they each got a pokemon. Kei got Igglybuff and Sakura got Cleffa. They entered the bug catching contest in Goldenrod always trying to beat each other. They would hold their own contest getting their parents to judge. Now was the day when they would put these dreams into action and compete against each other in the Grand Festival.

He finally made it to National Park. This park was the biggest in the Jhoto Region. The bug catching contest was held here, the stage was here. The stage where Sakura and Kei fought many times. He made it through the tall grass to the battling stage.

"Hey Kei ! Over here . . ." she said as she waved him down with a dead face.

"Oh, haha. You ready 'ol timer?" he answered back.

"Whenever you are!" she shouted.

They made their way to the opposite sides of the stage with faint grins on their faces. Kei grasped a pokeball from the inside of his jacket and double-clicked the button. As soon as he did the red beam yet again drew the shape of Wigglytuff and released it out on the stage. "Wig . . Wigglytuff!"

Sakura did the same, grasping the pokeball on her belt, the red beam drew the shape of her pokemon releasing it onto the stage. "Cleffable!" it called out to its rival.

"Wigglytuff, Mega Punch !" Kei shouted.

Wigglytuff nodded and came down with a powerful punch at Cleffable. Cleffable skipped around it gracefully without the command of it owner.

"Metronome Now " Sakura said proudly.

Cleffable gave a grin and started wiggling its fingers back and forth. Kei expected something big from the Cleffable . . Let’s just say from "experience". The attack was done and the Cleffable ended up doing . . . Splash! Kei laughed out loud, "Grand job Sakura . . !" He then quickly realized this was his opportunity to defeat Cleffable.

"Wigglytuff use Icebeam !" he shouted and pointed straight forward.

"Wigg, Wiggly !" the Wigglytuff answered. It opened its mouth, inhaled some air, and sent out a massive light blue beam towards the Cleffable. Direct hit !

"Good job Wigglytuff !" he said.

"Nice try Cleffable" Sakura gave some comfort to her pokemon. "You got lucky you little twit !"

"Mhmmm . ." he answered taunting her.

"Ah, Whatever . . How're you?"

"Grand. Witch city are you heading to first?"

"Azalea Town, you?" she asked and answered.

"Ecruteak." he stepped a little closer to her.

". . . I'll miss you." She said with embarrassment, scarlet spread across her cheeks. After those words she ran to him stretching her arms around him. They rarely go a day without seeing, talking, or hanging out with each other.

He was surprised by her actions and just glanced forward for a few seconds. Finally, he stretched his arms around her and whispered, “. . . I'll miss you too."

"Here we go, here . ." she giggled as she let go of him.

"Yeah, call me . . kay?" He did the same.

"Of course, bye."

"Later . ."

They both headed in opposite directions, he trailed the road of the city along the sea, and she skipped along the main street. He dwelled on that moment for awhile as he walked making his way out of the city. He stopped for a moment, glanced at the ground and thought . . . Let it begin.

Bu†cH
26th November 2005, 6:29 AM
Great start, Kei, especially for the description of characters and attacks and the chapter's length.

DKzM0mA
26th November 2005, 6:57 AM
Well, it was pretty good. You got the decription down okay, and the length is resonable even though some people expect more. So next chapter try making around 4 pages >.> Are you using Ms Word cause I found some mistakes-.- but we're human, but spellchecker was invented for a reason. I'll just list the mistakes and go...


welcommed them
Welcomed them


A beam of light, this time not a spotlight, stretched out across the room like an elastic band.

Maybe you could say "A beam of light which was not a spotlight like before, stretched out across the room like an elastic band"


sandwitch

It's sandwich >.>


See, they decided to become Conest Master's ever since they were little.

You shouldn't explain it like you're actually infront of me explaining it to me >.> Bad example. Well, it should be something like this... "These two have decided to become Contest Masters(you spelled masters the wrong way) ever since they were little." In other words lose the See.


contest's

Grammar problems >.> Contests


Kei got Iggly

I think it would be better if you pur Igglybuff.


The bug catching contest was held here, the stage was here.

I think you should lose the comma and insert "and" inbetween "here" and "stage" because you are only telling us about 2 things that happen in the park.


The stage where Sakura and Kei faught mant times.

Bad sentence. "The stage is where Sakura and Kei have fought many times."


comand

command


Kei expected something big from the Cleffable . . lets just say from "expierence".

I think it should be something like this..."Kei expected something big from the Cleffable because of past experiences." The way you wrote it, it seems...I'm sorry, I can't explain it, but I don't it should be like that.


" Wigglytuff, Mega Punch !!
Don't use multiple exclamation marks for one phrase.


Grand. Witch city are you heading to first? "
It's... Which.


oppsite

opposite
----------

Anyways, the only thing that needs improvment is your grammar and spelling which can be easily fixed if you use Ms Word. You also have some serious puntuation problems. I think you should go here and read this over...seriously (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19) but it wasn't so bad. I like your story plan, it reminds me of my fic. uor description is okay too. The only thing that kills you is grammar.

Bu†cH
26th November 2005, 7:10 AM
You'd better hurry because you're already down to three stars.

Kei
26th November 2005, 7:26 AM
Ok, I changed the mistakes with Ms Word.
Thanks for pointing them out guys.
I should have done it in the first place.
I really didn't even know I had it, haha.

Ice_Scyther
26th November 2005, 5:21 PM
Ok, i'm here as requested.

Firstly, don't space out quotations. You went:

" Hello. "

The correct way is:

"Hello."

Also, you made many grammactical mistakes, too many to point out.

Overall- A Gardevoir.;282; (3/6 Stars)

-I.s. ;212;

Xiang
26th November 2005, 5:55 PM
This is my first fan fic and i'm glad to start on Serebii
Rules? I don't really have many rules. Don't be an *** basically.
I need reviewers ;D enjoy.



Spotlight: Tale of a Contest Master

I went back and used Ms Word to change the grammar/spelling mistakes in this chapter.
So, its much better. enjoy and review ;D
Chapter 1: Let It Begin, Wigglytuff vs Clefable.

A beam of light, a spotlight, engulfed the outline of a person. As the light died down the figure was drawn out a little clearer. A boy, well . . . young man stood there with his arms folded and his eyes closed. A second later his digits reached the inside of his jacket and grasped a pokeball. With the double-clicking of a button a blood red beam of light drew the outline of a medium sized pokemon and finally filled it in, with a flash of white light the gracefull pink pokemon took the stage.

“Wigglytuff!” the pink pokemon called out as it bowed for the audience.

“Kei and his Wigglytuff may take the stage . . .” a girlish voice introduced them over the intercom. The crowd welcomed them with enthusiasm. The room finally filled with light, the crowd finally simmered down, and it was his time to shine.

A beam of light, this time not a spotlight, stretched out across the room like an elastic band. “It was a dream . . . not for long though.” He grumbled as he sat upward. He looked towards his open window and saw the elegance of Goldenrod City. He loved seeing that sight every morning to jump start his day and he really needed it this day.

“Honey! You’re awake.” His mother exclaimed as he started his way down the stairs. His mother was washing dishes while listening to Poketalk Radio. He sat down in front of his favorite breakfast, egg sandwich with orange juice and decided today would be a good day.

“You nervous?” his mother asked.

“Not really . . are you?” He taunted his mother already knowing the answer to this question.

“You’re going to be alone . . . you know?” She answered back with worry.

“I’ll have Wigglytuff. It'll be fine.” He tried to encourage her.

The conversation ended as he finished his sandwich. He had a meeting with someone and he couldn't be late for this. He headed back up to his room, put on his attire, and picked up the backpack he had packed up yesterday night. It was full of needed equipment for his journey like; money, clothing, food, pokegear, etc.

“I’m off mom, call me . . . 'kay?” He informed his mother quietly.

“Ok honey, I’ll miss you. Your father is coming home in time for the Grand Festival. He'll get to see you!” She said sadly yet with some happiness.

“Ha-ha, I knew he would. Bye . . .”

He went out the backdoor to pick up his Star Pokemon, Wigglytuff. The fluffy pink pokemon seemed to come out of thin air and surprised its owner. "Wig, Wigglytuff . ."

"Hey Wigglytuff, you ready?" Kei asked with excitement.

"Wig, Wiggly," it answered.

They made their way through the beautiful skyscrapers and buildings of Goldenrod City. They were meeting someone, a girl, Sakura. Sakura is Kei's rival. See, they decided to become Contest Master's ever since they were little. Together, they would watch the contest's on TV. every Saturday. Soon they each got a pokemon. Kei got Igglybuff and Sakura got Cleffa. They entered the bug catching contest in Goldenrod always trying to beat each other. They would hold their own contest getting their parents to judge. Now was the day when they would put these dreams into action and compete against each other in the Grand Festival.

He finally made it to National Park. This park was the biggest in the Jhoto Region. The bug catching contest was held here, the stage was here. The stage where Sakura and Kei fought many times. He made it through the tall grass to the battling stage.

"Hey Kei ! Over here . . ." she said as she waved him down with a dead face.

"Oh, haha. You ready 'ol timer?" he answered back.

"Whenever you are!" she shouted.

They made their way to the opposite sides of the stage with faint grins on their faces. Kei grasped a pokeball from the inside of his jacket and double-clicked the button. As soon as he did the red beam yet again drew the shape of Wigglytuff and released it out on the stage. "Wig . . Wigglytuff!"

Sakura did the same, grasping the pokeball on her belt, the red beam drew the shape of her pokemon releasing it onto the stage. "Cleffable!" it called out to its rival.

"Wigglytuff, Mega Punch!" Kei shouted.

Quite good for a first. There are unneccessary spaces in between the quotation marks, and never, ever, write "k" instead of "'kay". It just doesn't look professional. :p

And perhaps somehow in there you could explain what Wigglytuff means by "Wig, Wiggly." You could say that it agreed by nodding it's head.

And instead of right on stating the character's details, why not "host" an event in the fic where they meet again and recall their times together, or how they became rivals, Sort of like a flashback.

Overall, pretty good for a first time, you get an 87%. ^^

Kei
26th November 2005, 6:01 PM
Thanks. I'll immprove what you told me and work on those things for the next chapters.

Typhlogirl
26th November 2005, 10:58 PM
Here as requested!

Now.

This was an interesting start, however, you should really make sure this doesn't end up as another trainer fic. That's like...potential reader turn-off number one.

Make sure you establish a solid plotline. Is Kei aiming to be the best Co-ordinater in the land? Once you have your plotline you can work your characters into it. Plotline is VERY important for the success of your fic.


A second later his digits reached the inside of his jacket and grasped a pokeball.

O_o That part was a little weird...why couldn't you just say fingers? I've always associated digits with eyes...


"Good job Wigglytuff !" he said.

You don't need a space between an exclamation mark and a quotation mark.


"Metronome Now " Sakura said proudly.

Make sure you close off people speaking with a full stop or exclamation mark.

Argh, I'm kinda pressed for time, so that's all I've got, but I must say, this fic is better than most newbies I've seen, so that's points for you! Just make sure you put some originality into it, and you should be fine!

Kudos!

-;157;

Kei
27th November 2005, 4:50 AM
I took the stuff ya'll told me to improve on and tried to work that into the next chapter.
It's longer, more detailed, show's the characters past and personality a little more . . . ect.
I used Ms Word too, lol. enjoy and reveiw ;D


Chapter 2: Ghost! The Canopy of Darkness


Thick dark grey clouds hung over the sun like a mask, disguising its elegance. A thin mist filled the air around them and with every breath the damp, cold draft cooled their lungs. The canopy of darkness was intimidating as Kei and Wigglytuff came closer to the edge, of what looked like a maze. It was one of those days where you knew something was going to go wrong and the surroundings just seem to ensure those thoughts.

“This sucks . . .” Kei mumbled to his partner and sighed.

“Wig, Wiggly. You can say that again.” Wigglytuff said sarcastically.

They pushed their way through the thick underbrush and with each step there was a crackle of dead leaves or the snapping of dry twigs. The forest was almost lifeless, even the Murkrow sneaked quietly from branch to branch. They were sneaking around for some reason. Why?
A low moan pierced through the silence like a knife

“What was that?” Kei said in a low voice.

“Iggly. I don’t know . . .” Wigglytuff answered in the same tone.

They continued pushing their way through the darkness plunging into their imagination. In their minds, each little noise was that monster . . . that ghost. The low moan bellowed through the thick forest again. The color in their faces faded. The stories they’ve heard regarding this forest went on and on about ghost pokemon taunting their “victims” here. How some people never made it through the forest and were never found. He thought it was just a bunch of lies. Maybe not?
A cloud of darkness seemed to hover over them like a halo and, with each step it was drawn closer to them.

“Wiggly, Wigglytuff. What is that?” The pink pokemon pointed up in curiosity.

“Its just mist . . . that’s all. “

“Iggly, Igg Wigglytuff. Doesn’t look like that to me . . . “ Wigglytuff stopped.

“Come on Wigglytuff, the contest is tomorrow! I’m ready to get out of this place . . .”

“Wiggly! No!”

“Wigglytuff, I’m going to leave you here . . . Let’s go . . .” Kei tried to fool his pokemon.

“Tuff, Tuff, Wigglytuff! He-he-he. No you won’t . . .” Wigglytuff chuckled.

“Wigglytuff . . . Come on.”

“Tuff, Tuff, Iggly. Shhhhhh, something’s here.”

“What . . . ?”

He was cut off by an evil crackle that shook the leaves around them and filled their hearts with fear. The shadow was right in front of them. The dull color seemed to fade in and out with patterns of the wind. A childish yellow smirk began to appear on the head part of the shadow along with two devilish purple eyes. It was a Banette. Kei grabbed the pokedex from his belt, flipped it open and, scanned the pokemon.


“Banette, The Marionette Pokémon. It generates energy for laying strong curses by sticking pins into its own body. It was originally a pitiful plush doll that was thrown away. A cursed energy permeated the stuffing of a discarded and forgotten plush doll, giving it new life as Banette. It's energy would escape if it were to ever open its mouth. They are said to live in garbage dumps and wander about in search of the children that threw them away. .”

“Creepy . . .” Kei muttered to himself.

Little blue flames began to form rapidly around the ghost pokemon and with great speed they fell from the sky like shooting stars. The ghost gave off another evil crackle with that devilish smirk still on its face.

“Ok. Can we go now?”

“Wigglytuff. Yes!”

They turned their backs on the ghost and picked up the pace. They pushed their way through the vines, shrubs, branches, bushes, and leaf piles, bobbing and weaving away from the blue embers.

“Damnit.” Kei muttered. I know that Wigglytuff’s attacks wouldn’t do any good against this ghost pokemon. Girafarig could do something but it might just come back with friends. This pokemon completely rebels against the nice rule, it wants blood. He thought as he analyzed the situation. I need to hurry and get to the Pokemon Center before the contest tomorrow. This is stupid. Why won’t it leave me alone? He began getting annoyed with the situation.

“If you'll be my star, i'll be your sky.
You can hide underneath me and come out at night,
when I turn jet black and you show off your light.
I live to let you shine; I live to let you shine.”

He always sung that to himself when something was going wrong. There are countless memories where he has used this song as a song of comfort. He needed that now as he ran through this canopy of darkness with a pokemon, full of hatred, chasing after him. The end of the forest was near; the thickness of the forest began to die down.

The Banette still began to trail behind them, throwing a barrage of Will-O-Wisp attacks making the dark forest glow with an uncanny blue.

The stage is set and I will always put on a show. He thought about the words Sakura always told him. A faint smirk was becoming present on his face. They finally made their way to the end of the dark, damp forest. He made a final pivot, facing the ghost pokemon with a tired expression on his face.

“Wigglytuff make a wall with Ice Beam!”

The Wigglytuff inhaled the damp air and launched out a light blue beam making a thick, frozen wall in front of them. Banette’s evil laughs died out as it headed back into the canopy of darkness.

"We made it Wigglytuff." He grumbled.

They both sat in front of the wall Wigglytuff created and caught their breath. He realized that his adventure wouldn’t be easy, it won’t always be fun and, he would have to try his hardest if he wants to become a top coordinator.

Bu†cH
27th November 2005, 5:43 AM
The battle was really intense. I can't wait until they get out of the forest.

Original and still a long chapter. You have the guts of a true author afterall, Kei.

Klaus
27th November 2005, 8:08 AM
Yes, as Typhlogirl said make sure it doesn't turn into a trainer fic.
I like the sound of contest fics, they interest me somehow.

Anyway, you had some miner mistakes but overall, it was pretty good,

Keep it up.

Sincearly Klaus

As always, be kind to the mime.

Eternal Daydreamer
27th November 2005, 5:11 PM
*raises eyebrow* This is interesting to say the least. All I can say is, good job for your first time. Keep it up.

Xiang
27th November 2005, 11:13 PM
Thick dark grey clouds hung over the sun like a mask, disguising its elegance.

Nice! ^^

This was a nice chapter, better than the last one. I suggest making it longer next time though, it was quite short. 95% ^^

Ratiasu

Mysteria Pearl
28th November 2005, 12:49 AM
great job! your fic is very original and very detailed! I give you 10 / 10 :D Will you let me know when the next chapter is up?

:D

Bisbald! TschuB!

~Mysteria Pearl~

xXSaberXx
28th November 2005, 1:09 AM
Very interesting fic, Kei. ^.^ I spied several grammar errors, but am Kinda too lazy to point them out. xP;;; I like the whole conept of just being coordinators, But Sakura seems....erm....Mary Sue ish? ^.^;; Maybe not Mary Sue is, just a little too typical of a girl. :/ I dunno, I like Kei, just not her. xP Funny, I don't like Sakura from Naruto either! *shudders*

xP That's fine though, don't listen to me!

Also, "Call me....k?" Should not be K. It should be.... 'kay. Otherwise, you're having your charies use chatspeak in a fic? o-o;;; Not good...

Also;

They both sat in front of the wall Wigglytuff created and caught their breath. He realized that his adventure wouldn’t be easy, it won’t always be fun and, he would have to try his hardest if he wants to become a top coordinator.

YOU DO THIS FREQUENTLY.

The switching of grammer. Past tense, then you switch to present, and back to past. Pick one and stick with it please, just for the sake of the readers. It gets hard to read when you do that. ^_^;;;

Other than those little minor things, keep up the good work! And maybe make your chapters longer? Heehee, nah, ignore that. They are a perfect length. ^.^

See ya!

Saber.

Kei
28th November 2005, 1:25 AM
Very interesting fic, Kei. ^.^ I spied several grammar errors, but am Kinda too lazy to point them out. xP;;; I like the whole conept of just being coordinators, But Sakura seems....erm....Mary Sue ish? ^.^;; Maybe not Mary Sue is, just a little too typical of a girl. :/ I dunno, I like Kei, just not her. xP Funny, I don't like Sakura from Naruto either! *shudders*

xP That's fine though, don't listen to me!

Also, "Call me....k?" Should not be K. It should be.... 'kay. Otherwise, you're having your charies use chatspeak in a fic? o-o;;; Not good...

Also;

They both sat in front of the wall Wigglytuff created and caught their breath. He realized that his adventure wouldn’t be easy, it won’t always be fun and, he would have to try his hardest if he wants to become a top coordinator.

YOU DO THIS FREQUENTLY.

The switching of grammer. Past tense, then you switch to present, and back to past. Pick one and stick with it please, just for the sake of the readers. It gets hard to read when you do that. ^_^;;;

Other than those little minor things, keep up the good work! And maybe make your chapters longer? Heehee, nah, ignore that. They are a perfect length. ^.^

See ya!

Saber.

Thanks alot! I will tottaly work on what you said.
Yeah, i'll try to change Sakura up a bit. Give her a little more personality.
Thanks alot Saber. Hope review the next chapters too!

whiteabsol
28th November 2005, 2:00 AM
There's not really a lot of description in some of the scenes and one part that doesn't really make sense to me is:


I know that Wigglytuff’s attacks wouldn’t do any good against this ghost pokemon.
then you post:

“Wigglytuff make a wall with Ice Beam!”

An ice beam attack wouldn't be super affective against a ghost but it'll still do some damage, more damage then the attacks that wigglytuff usually use.

The only spelling mistake I found is how you spelled gray G-R-E-Y, but nothing big. Other than that, this is a pretty good fic.

Kei
28th November 2005, 2:18 AM
There's not really a lot of description in some of the scenes and one part that doesn't really make sense to me is:


then you post:


An ice beam attack wouldn't be super affective against a ghost but it'll still do some damage, more damage then the attacks that wigglytuff usually use.

The only spelling mistake I found is how you spelled gray G-R-E-Y, but nothing big. Other than that, this is a pretty good fic.

Thanks alot. I really worked on not spelling things wrong, haha.
I really wanted to add more action and suspense to the scene and really didn't quite figure out a way to do it so thats why I used the whole Ice Beam thing. Glad you liked it.

Ice_Scyther
29th November 2005, 2:09 AM
You can spell gray grey, I spell it that way.

Anyway, here as requested.


A low moan pierced through the silence like a knife

You forgot a period.


pokedex

It needs to be capitalized.


Damnit.

It is spelled D-A-M-M-I-T. :)


He always sung that to himself when something was going wrong.

That kind of...odd.


He realized that his adventure wouldn’t be easy, it won’t always be fun and, he would have to try his hardest if he wants to become a top coordinator.

Run-on.

I'm very picky. :) Sorry.

-I.S. ;212;

Kei
29th November 2005, 4:11 AM
You can spell gray grey, I spell it that way.

Anyway, here as requested.



You forgot a period.



It needs to be capitalized.



It is spelled D-A-M-M-I-T. :)



That kind of...odd.



Run-on.

I'm very picky. :) Sorry.

-I.S. ;212;


Be picky, it's what I want. Ha-ha.

mindripper
29th November 2005, 3:58 PM
They rarely go a day without seeing, talking, or hanging out with each other.

Tenses, my friend. This should be in past tense.


It was one of those days where you knew something was going to go wrong and the surroundings just seem to ensure those thoughts.

Another tense mistake.


The stories they’ve heard regarding this forest went on and on about ghost pokemon taunting their “victims” here.

Do not do this. Using short form while writing description and body makes you seem amateurish. It should also be in the past tense.


A childish yellow smirk began to appear on the head part of the shadow along with two devilish purple eyes

I really dislike this line. I do not see how you can describe something as childish and devilish at the same time, without the cheekiness that would come with a correct combination of the two.


Other than those mistakes which irritated me more, I will not mention the others, as they are comparatively minor and are occurences that you can tackle on your own. I do not know enough about the story to comment on the plot, but it looks ok as of now. Can change for the better or worse very quickly, though. Good luck.

Kei
30th November 2005, 3:33 AM
Tenses, my friend. This should be in past tense.



Another tense mistake.



Do not do this. Using short form while writing description and body makes you seem amateurish. It should also be in the past tense.



I really dislike this line. I do not see how you can describe something as childish and devilish at the same time, without the cheekiness that would come with a correct combination of the two.


Other than those mistakes which irritated me more, I will not mention the others, as they are comparatively minor and are occurences that you can tackle on your own. I do not know enough about the story to comment on the plot, but it looks ok as of now. Can change for the better or worse very quickly, though. Good luck.


Alright thank you Mindripper.