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Flame-lord#01
27th November 2005, 12:13 AM
okay lets get some things straight i am a newbie here so this possibly won't be a good fic and there will be grammar problems.
anyway heres
CHAPTER ONE:a new generation
"THE MATCH BETWEEN FALKNER AND JONATHAN FROM NEW-BARK TOWN WILL BEGIN NOW!"the announcer cried holding up two flags as the two trainers face off
"Go pidgeotto!"falkner cried releasing the bird pokemon from its pokeball
"show 'em what you've got evee" the trainer known as Jonathan yelled as the cute brown fox pokemon ran onto the feild.
"Pidgeotto use whirlwind".
"Evee dodge and use swift attack".
Pidgeotto set a huge gust of wind at evee put the quick fox pokrmon evaded it and returned the attack with an array of stars which hit pidgeotto directly.
"Oh no" falkner cried as pidgeotto collapsed in the middle of the field
"pidgeotto is unable to battle the win goes to evee"
"oh yeah way to go evee" jonathan said proudly
"(heh a pidgeotto is too easy for the great evee)"evee smirked.
"don't get cocky go dodrio" Falkner said determined to win.
"This'll be easy evee make this quick with a take down" Jonathan said with great determination in his voice.
Evee launched itself forward but the three headed pokemon jumped over evee causing the fox pokemon to crash into the wall.
"Grrr evee get up" Jonathan said loudly.
Evee got up but tumbled over got up again and started stubling and finally fell over.
"evee is unable to battle falkner wins the second round"
"okay then no more mr.nice trainer go squirtle" Jonathan said angrily
"squirtle squirt squirtle" the tinyturtle pokemon said looking up at the dodrio with its adorable eyes
"squirtle use bubble" Jonathan commanded.
Squirtle sent out an array of bubbles which did suprisingly large chunks of damage.
"how can a puny little squirtle deal so much damage?" falkner questioned.
"Heh heh you should know that just because it looks weake on the outside doesn't mean it's weak on the inside" Jonathan smirked.
"well its over anyway"
"don't count on it squirtle finish it off with tackle"Jonathan said
The tinyturtle pokemon lunged at the dazed dodrio knocking it over
"dodrio is unable to battle the round sand match go to Jonathan" the announcer said holding up the green flag in his hand
"wahoo my first gym badge" jonathan yelled holding the zephyre badge in his hand in triumph
meanwhile outside a mysterious figure lurked in the shadows
"so he is the one" the shadow said to himself watching Jonathan leave the gym."he will be an exellent addition to the side of evil all he needs is a tutor"
------------------------TO BE CONTINUED-------------------------

So what do you think anything i can inprove on?reviews?good things? bad things?

Bu†cH
27th November 2005, 1:40 AM
Run-on sentences, spelling and grammar errors, poor length, and lack of really important use of spaces.


"Go pidgeotto!"falkner cried releasing the bird pokemon from its pokeball
What I should've written:
"Go, Pidgeotto!" Falkner cried, throwing a Pokeball, which opened up and summoned a brown bird with red dredlocks going down from the back of its head and down to the top of its back.


I am a newbie here so this possibly won't be a good fic and there will be grammar problems.
Then why did you post it here anyway if you know it's going to suck ***!? You confuse me.

Klaus
27th November 2005, 6:21 AM
Like said above. Run ons, poor grammer and bad description. It wasn't
even a page long.

Butchimatic said everything I can say. Why don't you read someon else's fic
so as to know how you do it.

Sincearly Klaus

As always, ne kind to the mime.