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Hounn Champion
28th November 2005, 11:36 PM
Chapter 1

“Welcome to the Hounn Stadium Pokemon fans, a trainer has successfully beaten all the challengers and is now making a challenge for pokemon champion but first there are four elite trainers to beat he has already beaten three and has now moved on to face Drake if the trainer wins he will advance to face Steven stone the reining champion for the title, I’m sure this match is going to be a real nail bitter” Screamed the commentator into his microphone.

The crowd went crazy screaming with enthusiasm, there wasn’t a seat that was not filled. In the champions section sat Steven Stone his hair was spiky and silver like the steel pokemon he was known to use. He wore a jet black blazer with purple lines embrodiered into the fabric, a white cuffed shirt with a red neck tie . He had a calm smug look on his face as he looked down at the arena;

The sun had began setting in the horizon turning the sky a mixture of crimson red and orange and yellow which reflected of the clouds, the stadium was on top of a huge mountain with a roaring waterfall which flowed into the vast blue ocean on top of the mountain was a single pokemon centre and a cave which lead to the pokemon league but the cave contained very strong pokemon and it was like a maze and very dark in parts a perfect test for trainers.

“Will the Challenger Roy martins please step into the arena?” A red headed boy about the age of fifteen stepped out onto the stadium grounds he was wearing a red and yellow top with blue jeans and white trainers he had a look of confidence on his face his red and black eyes staring at the middle of the arena.

The arena on which they boy walked on was a pale brown colour and had boulders and rocks all around the place the crunch of sand could be herd the tension was thick you could cut it with a knife everyone was on the edge of their seats.

“Drake of the elite four please step forward” a pair of black boots were the first thing visible followed by a grey tracksuit with a black belt with a golden buckle with a poke ball indented into the centre out came the rest of drake wearing a black jacket with golden seams and silky red fabric for the lining drake was quite old as he had a white moustache and white hair underneath his captions hat and dark black eyes but he still stood strong, the crowd roared with pleasure at Drakes entrance.

“This is a three on three battle no time limit Drake is not allowed to substitute any pokemon Roy martins may substitute, should a pokemon become unable to battle it will be withdrawn from the fight, there will be a field change every time a trainers pokemon is knocked out, a number generator will now decide on who sends out a pokemon first who ever does will be at a disadvantage”

All eyes fell to the giant score board in the far corner of the area there were four red boxes on one side and four green boxes on the other side with a silver line separating the two sides, on one side appeared Drakes face and Roy on the other that screen disappeared and a single square began randomly shuffling to the pictures of the two trainers, everything went silent three intense seconds later Drake’s picture appeared.


“This battle will now commence on my mark with Drake leading” shouted the referee holding up two flags one red one green.

“3…2…1 begin” shouted the referee bringing down his two arms

“Go Shellgon!” bellowed Drake, enlarging a red and white sphere and throwing it into the battle frontier. The ball hit the ground and separated into two parts. A glowing pure white light exploded from the ball and began to take shape into a pokemon with white padding all round it body and small purple legs with red skin underneath. Its eyes were angry and yellow with black silted pupils. It roared its name upon entering the stage, looking directly at Roy with is yellow eyes. A picture of shellgon appeared under Drake’s face on the score board.


“Drake has chosen Shellgon to start this battle which pokemon will Roy pick to do battle”

The audience jumped up cheering as hey knew it would be a fantastic battle.

“Go Medicham” screamed the red headed teen full of flare for the battle his poke ball landed on his side the same light shot out of the ball just like Drake had done and took shape forming into a tall human shape pokemon with a pink body and what looked like a huge baggy red tracksuit on its leg with yellow spots at the nee caps, its skinny arms bowing down as it began meditating its eyes in deep consternation it had what looked like a red helmet on its head with tree yellow dots on it forehead.

The pictures of the pokemon appeared on the screen with a dinging noise underneath the pictures of the trainers.

“Roy has made a decision to start with Medicham a half psychic half fighting combo lets see how well it does against shellgon which is a all dragon type, Announced the commentator.

“On my mark begin” screamed the referee the stadium was in an uproar of noise and then it died down there were all eyes focusing on the match.

“Medicham Calm Mind now” requested Roy, Medicham began floating in the air cross legged with its hands by its very rubbery looking red mouth its eyes fixed shut a blue aura appeared around it increasing its special attack and special defence.

“Shellgon Double edge now while it standing still” calmly suggested Drake, Shellgon turned a golden yellow and began a very slow charge up to were medicham was meditating and leapt up a small distance and made a full on body tackle with the psychic type, it called out as it was forced into a rock which shattered on impact shaking the field slightly.


“Medicham you ok to continue battling” after it rose up to its feet it gave its trainer a reassuring thumbs up and smiled covered in several grazes.

“Wow did you feel that shock wave from that Double edge pokemon fans it rocked the stadium tonight. Medicham has risen to it feet and showed endurance to that brutal attack how will Roy make a come back.

“Medicham use Calm mind keep it going till I say stop and watch out for Shellgon” Medicham began floating again just as the same before this time the aura had changed it was now a more brighter and more noticeable.

“ Your Medicham wont last long if you don’t attack shellgon show them what I mean with dragon claw” shouted Drake, Shellgon began charging very slowly again and when it approached Medicham its small paw turned a teal green as it leapt of the ground trying to hit its target.

Medicham was fully aware of Shellgon’s approach and axe kicked it to the ground which shook just like when shellgon double edged it a small crater was left shellgon closed it eyes and let its padded shell take the impact and rose up again Drake smirked and gloated about his Shellgon’s excellent defence.

“This is a very strange strategy used by Roy all has done is raise his special attack and special defence could he be saving up for a huge impact attack?” pondered the commentator, The audience began conferring about this with the people sitting next to them.

Medicham continued increasing its special attack and special defence the aura began to radiate of Medicham a fierce blue it sat there with a calm expression on its face.

Shellgon got very angery and acted on it own and shot out a dragon breathe a teal green mist that travelled in the direction of Medicham which hit it mark, Medicham fell to the ground suffocated and paralyzed and that were Shellgon charged and it Claws turned teal green and it stood on it hind legs and slammed it paws into the psychic pokemon’s chest it winced in pain as dust rose from under Shellgon and covered the area were they were the ground shook violently also the shock waves were more ferocious.

“Oh dear Shellgon acted on it own accord and taken down Medicham has Roy lost the first round” screamed the commentator the audience watched as the dust settle the referee raised the green flag which meant a pokemon can no longer battle”

“Medicham is no longer able to battle, round one to Drake” shouted the referee

Medicham was covered in bruises and its eyes were wincing in pain but it wasn’t out it rose of the floor very slowly after Shellgon moved away it blue aura crackled blue with little spark emitting of it, the audience was shocked and began cheering they thought for sure Shellgon finished Medicham off.



“ Never underestimate me and my pokemon, Medicham recover now” The blue sparks danced like they had a mind of their own and went on all the bruises which had began fading away Medicham was regaining health fast when it was finished it looked as good as new and Roy’s eyes had become shadowed by the flood lights which had now come on because the sun had finished sinking into the sea and the moon had come up lighting up the inky black sky.

“Medicham use Ice punch now” Medicham ran across the sandy field dodging Shellgon attempts of a Dragon breathe all Drake could do was watch as the blue aura around Medicham was being fed into Medicham’s Right fist, Shellgon tried a last Dragon breath which failed because medicham jumped up and hit home straight into the hole were Shellgon’s eyes.

It winced as ice started covering its body entirely in ice; it had become like a frozen statue unable to move Drake was speechless and mustered a smile.

“Shellgon is unable to battle the winner is Medicham” shouted the referee waving the red flag, Medicham looked up at the full moon in triumph the audience cheered it loudest, Drake Recalled Shellgon with a red laser emitted from the poke ball and Shellgon was sucked inside, Shellgon’s picture faded under Drake.

“Roy wins the 1st round but cut it real close and surprisingly turned the tables on Drake” the audience cheered in agreement and eagerly awaited wait would happen next.

“Field change” screamed the commentator on the mike; the screen appeared with a wheel and an electronic arrow it began to spin eventually it slowed down and landed on a leaf symbol the screen became normal and then there was a low rumble and the sand and rock field disappeared and out rose a meadow like battle field covered in grass and trees and the same white poke ball symbol in the centre, the audience clapped knowing that more action will follow.

“Resume battle” drowned the referee

The screen changed to a picture of Drake and Roy again the picture were scrambled the showing Roy after it slowed down then went back to normal.

Medicham walked out onto the new field and eyed Drake as if to say bring it on, Drake smirked from under his hat.

“Lets see how long your friend last after Altaria is done” Drake said in a mocking tone realising a blue humming bird with cloud like wings on the field it entered the arena chirping a lovely melody that came from it small white beak and it stared at Medicham with it beady black eyes.


“Altaria aerial ace now” barked Drake, the humming bird rose up into the air above the stadium walls and into the inky dark sky it dove down at the battle field at an alarming speed looking like it was going to land beak first into the ground as it got low enough to the ground it pulled up from it nose dive and paced it along the grass making the tail wind flatten the grass ,Medicham tried to close it eyes and use a detect but to no avail, Altaria flew in but disappeared out of view and only to reappear behind Medicham slicing into it beck first.

Medicham stood there unable to talk eyes bulging out its head and then it fell to one nee and passed out with swirls in its eyes.

“Medicham is unable to battle Drake wins 2nd round” fanning the green flag and shouting the outcome of the battle, its picture faded out.

“That was a 1 hit KO pokemon fans Shellgon tired out Medicham and Altaria struck the final blow That Aerial ace move is fast and unavoidable, I actually thought Altaria was going to end up beak first in the ground but no I guess this dragon is not to be messed with”, the audience clapped a cheered for more action.

“Go Kecleon” out came another light and began forming into a chameleon type pokemon with a ziz-zag pattern on it green body it beady eyes on Altaria and showing of it long thin tongue its picture appeared under Roy’s.

“Kecleon Camouflage your self and blend in with the surroundings to confuse Altaria”

Kecleon disappeared and began charging around in the long green grass, Altaria watched trying to get a lock on it location but to no use, Altaria began getting swirls in its eyes.

Kecleon took this opportunity to lash out with its tongue it begin whipping Altaria from all angles when it tried taking to the air Kecleon griped hold of its talon and launched it beak first in a tree.

Drake was proud of this trainer for putting up a good fight he smiled smugly to himself thinking of all the trainers he had faced before shouting to Altaria to use an attack and focus on were its going to be rather then were its at already.

“Altaria Dragon breath then follow up with dragon claw” Barked Drake, Altaria pulled it self together and shot out a teal green mist that hit Kecleon paralyzing it changing it teal green exposing its cover, Altaria’s talons turned teal green and Altaria flew past slashing it with it Claws sending it into a tree witch feel with a thud and a crack, Kecleon changed teal green when hit by those dragon moves

“Kecleon almost had Altaria but Drake made a come back with a Dragon breath Dragon claw combo who blew Kecleon’s camouflage” the audience roared again at the twist in the battle.

“Kecleon is down not out substitute now” Kecleon rose up slowly and created a small doll which followed the creator around.

Altaria began shooting out teal green vapours out its beak toward the doll which only cracked it slightly as Kecleon had been viscously attacked by the earlier moves, Kecleon knew exactly what to do it began focusing it power onto it clawed fist which turned blue and Kecleon jumped and focus punched Altaria in the cheek, the doll broke and down fell Altaria.

“Excellent combo kid but I got a better one, Altaria Solar beam” bellowed Drake Altaria rose to the air with a huge burse on its cheek it opened its beak and a white ball of pure light began forming in its mouth till it grew big enough and was fired in a white beam of pure energy directly at Kecleon who was to exhausted to dodge and was hit and the force of the blast made it hit the tree with a crack this changed Kecleon green like the grass the beam was huge an crackled fiercely to meet its mark when it hit everything went milky white and when the dust settled Kecleon was standing but too tired to move Drake took Advantage

“Now watch me finish this Arial ace that Kecleon” screamed Drake at the panting Altaria bead of sweat dripped from it head but once more it climbed altitude and gained momentum on the way down and ended Kecleon just the same way Medicham was finished.

“Time for bed Aaron you got a long day tomorrow” shouted a feminine voice to a teenager of about twelve years old his brown eyes fixed to the TV till it was switched off intruding on his fun.
************************************************** ********

END [TO BE CONTINUED]

katiekitten
29th November 2005, 12:44 AM
Oh dear...

Well, first and foremost, I can tell you one thing. That is not how you spell Hoenn. There is an 'e' instead of a 'u'. Easy mistake to make... Lets get on with the review, now shall we? *Searches through notes, finds first page and pushes glasses to the top of head*

Bad Points.

Your punctuation and spelling are dearly missed. Do you have a spell checker? You should write your stories there before posting them, though some of the mistakes should not have been made in the first place. Lets take the beginning of your story, and I'll show you how it can be improved...


“Welcome to the Hounn Stadium Pokemon fans, a trainer has successfully beaten all the challengers and is now making a challenge for pokemon champion.<- Right here would be a good place to put a full stop. Too long sentences are a no-no, Think about a someone trying to say it out loud. Pause when ever you think the speaker would like to take a breath. but first there are four elite trainers to beat he has already beaten three<- This sentence is not neccessary. You have already told us that he has defeated three of them in the sentence before He has now moved on to face Drake. If the trainer wins he will advance to face Steven stone the reigning champion for the title, I’m sure this match is going to be a real nail bitter” Screamed the commentator into his microphone.

The crowd went crazy screaming with enthusiasm, there wasn’t a seat that was not filled. In the champions section sat Steven Stone his hair was spiky and silver like the steel pokemon he was known to use. He wore a jet black blazer with purple lines embrodiered into the fabric, a white cuffed shirt with a red neck tie . He had a calm smug look on his face as he looked down at the arena; <- A good place for a semi-colon. A semi-colon is when there should be a full stop, but you want to add something more. his cool blue eyes fixed on the two entrances on either side of the stadium.


I have put in bold the corrections I have made and the reasons why.

Good points.

There are some good points. I'm not all negative. I can see you made some effort in description, and the length is vey good. Work on your grammer and spelling, write this in word or something, reword some of your sentences, and this could become something. :)

Breezy
29th November 2005, 5:54 AM
“Welcome to the Hounn Stadium Pokemon fans, a trainer has successfully beaten all the challengers and is now making a challenge for pokemon champion but first there are four elite trainers to beat he has already beaten three and has now moved on to face Drake if the trainer wins he will advance to face Steven stone the reining champion for the title, I’m sure this match is going to be a real nail bitter” Screamed the commentator into his microphone.You seemed to forget that people breathedear. Talking like that without any breaths in between might kill ya, but periods won't. Use them. They like being used. ;-; Sad but true.

...Kid, how come you only have one period per paragraph? It's not against the law of grammar to have more than one sentence in a paragraph.

do-you-talk-like-this-without-stopping-in-between-to-breathe-do-you-wanna-die-or-something-because-i-sure-as-hell-dont-wanna-die-so-breathe-breathe-breathe-breathe-okay-got-it-im- glad-you-do-because-i-cant-type-without-spaces-anymore-it-drives-me-mad-and-being-mad-is-not-too-fun.

Read that out loud. Does it make sense? What's that? No? It doesn't. That's right! Now read that first paragraph and maybe a few after that out loud. Does...does that make anymore sense? No? Oh poo. :(

Here's whatcha do if you're a beginning writer and don't know the rules of punctuation yet. Read it out loud or in your head. When you stop or need to take a breath, that's where you put a comma or period. Whoamg. ^.^ For example:

“Go Shellgon!” bellowed Drake, enlarging a red and white sphere and throwing it into the battle frontier. The ball hit the ground and separated into two parts. A glowing pure white light exploded from the ball and began to take shape into a pokemon with white padding all round it body and small purple legs with red skin underneath. Its eyes were angry and yellow with black silted pupils. It roared its name upon entering the stage, looking directly at Roy with is yellow eyes. A picture of shellgon appeared under Drake’s face on the score board.

Watch out for misplaced words and spelling typos mind you. No proofreading = bad! I wouldn't rely heavily on spellchecker either because it's a bit screwed up in the head. Poor guy. You can still play with him though. He still likes to help.

Basically, I just copied what whoever is above me said haha. So we'll move onto the actual chapter itself.

You know, I always figured that the judge declares if a Pok&#233;mon is out of the battle, regardless if it's actually fainted or not. Hence why the Pok&#233;mon in the anim&#233; seem to get up before the judge finishes his sentence But hey, your story, your ideas, your call. =3

Just a small, random note from the ranting Breezeh.

Despite the fact that your story was just run-on after run-on, I particulary enjoyed it, especially the twisty end. That threw me off for once, and that doesn't happen very often. Woo. I swear to God, I thought this was another boring League trainer story... Mmm, nice again lol.

Your description was nice too. Not too floaty and flowery, but enough for me too picture it or complain that you lack it haha.

I can't say much about characters since Roy isn't the main character (I assume so anyways), so we'll wait til later to focus on that department.

Gah, I hate you for throwing me off. XD That's a good thing though, don't worry.

LaTeR dAyZ!

Hounn Champion
29th November 2005, 6:44 PM
Sorry about the grammer mistakes i done the begining again and i'll be sure to rember about the punctuation and spelling and my paragraphs in the next chapters

P.S. next Chapter up on friday