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View Full Version : The Monster (One-shot)



FloatingFlames
29th November 2005, 4:56 AM
This was an idea that kind of spawned from an old one-shot of mine entitled Bloodthirsty (which was probably the most enjoyable one-shot to write, despite its gruesome scenes). Anyway, I'm kind of disappointed in this overall, because I found myself banging my head against the keyboard several times, and finally I changed this scene around as a kind of experiment, and I'm a little skeptical on how it turned out (it's the scene in italics, watch out for it). I'll let you decide for yourself how this little work turned out, I hope you enjoy.

Oh, and for the main character's name, the "e" is silent. >_>



The Monster
What would we like to do, may I ask?
Would we like to kill?

Would we like to devour, to rip and tear?

It is up to you, you must decide what we will do...
...you hunger for flesh...?

...Then we must kill... kill...


A maddening howl pierced the quiet night as the silvery moon shone bright in the dark sky, casting shadows through the black forest. This night was certainly not usual; the wind did not whisper through the trees and the crickets did not sing. The clear stream that was typically swift and strong was now unusually calm. Although the air was normally cool, it was now humid and irritable, and the mosquitoes were out, which was strange for this time of year. But was the most bizarre thing was the stench of blood that lingered in the night and the pattering that belonged to the paws of wolves known as Mightyena.

They looked like a blur of darkness that blended in with the forest. There were at least five of them, sprinting as fast as there legs could take them. Up ahead at the front was a wolf with an odd look in his dark reddish eyes, half worried, half angered. Although it was graying, wild, dark fur stretched from the top of his had all the way down his back. The same fur rose up his four legs, before fading into shorter fur of a silvery color. The other Mightyena that followed behind him looked more in the prime because instead of graying slightly in some areas, their fur was jet-black. However, the wolf ahead seemed faster and stronger than the others, as he was far ahead of them.

The wolf seemed burdened; he had a terrible feeling about what lay ahead. The day felt strange as it first began, the sun itself in the morning sky seemed to be weeping. He had felt a terrible wave of despair in the air that day, but he didn’t know why. Everything had been perfect, the pack was thriving and his family was doing all right, considering their eldest son had disappeared a month ago. They had remained strong through it and focused on the well-being of the group, but today, all the ways of nature seemed to be singing a song of death.

The group soon arrived at a small clearing in the woods. Here, the disgusting odor of blood grew thicker, as did the old wolf’s fear, and the reason was apparent. In the center of the small meadow lay the body of a young cub sprawled out lifelessly in the tall grass, which was now soaked in dark red blood. Its wide eyes contained a barren look, as its mouth hung open slightly. The wolf that had led took a step forward, but then hesitated as one of the younger Mightyena jumped ahead to investigate. He looked at the victim and then sniffed it for a moment before turning to the older wolf, a terror look in his eyes.

“I don’t believe it, Valde. He’s your son.”

Valde’s face twisted into an expression of horror. Time seemed to stand still as he stared at his the bleeding corpse of his son on trembling legs. Still shaking, he slowly crept over to the body, clenching his eyes shut tightly.

He peered down at his son hesitantly, his eyes watering in fear. His son was dead, and he hadn’t been there to protect him, just as he had always feared.

But before he even had the chance to express any more sadness, a bush on the edge of the forest shook. Valde jerked his head towards the movement, and something clicked in his mind. Instinctively, Valde rushed into the forest in a burst of speed after whatever had made the sound. A newfound adrenaline was pumping through his blood as he became a silver blur. His legs carried him faster than ever as his sharp claws dug into the soft earth for a fraction of a second before propelling him forward like a bullet of living flesh. He kept running, not slowing down for a moment. Then, the faint shadow of the figure appeared in front of him. He was gaining on the culprit. But the shadow slowly began to creep further away as his legs began to tremble under the tremendous effort. The shadow then shot forth, disappearing into the night as Valde fell to the earth with a devastating crash, his entire body weak from the run.

He laid there on the soft earth for the entire night, tears streaming from his eyes.







Rays of soft, red light splintered through the forest, enveloping the trees in an eerie glow. The birds chirped softly from their nests high in the treetops. It was already evening of the next day and the sun, falling into a mass of red, seemed to be bathing the entire sky in blood. It was a breathtaking sight; twisted threads of red and orange merged into one to create a portrait of beauty and tranquility, yet the air was filled with despair.

It was a cold, windy evening; the wind whipped up the dry leaves that had been dropped from the now barrren trees and spun them around gracefully in the air before setting them free again. It whistled through the holes in hollowed trees softly, an almost silent, low whisper. A bird, lying on the body of a dirtied wolf, took flight into the bleeding sky above, waiting for the moon to come again in all it's glory to cover the world in the same sadness it had the night before...

…The beautiful white moon was still full in the night sky, and the blood was still fresh. A lone soul began to creep toward a bizarre rocky structure that stood next to a calm river, breathing heavily. It was a wolf, but it did not look like the others at all; his eyes were red and cold and his teeth were bared and stained with blood. Saliva covered the beast’s snout, and his sharp claws shone with a crimson glare. Twitching horribly, the creature raised its head and glared at an opening on the rocky formation. A wicked smile crept across the saliva soaked jaws as he advanced forward, up a hill towards his destination.

His feet crunching above the leave-strewn path, the wolf walked slowly up the slope like a madman; he looked like he would fall over at any moment. He maintained a cruel, almost insane grin and occasionally would growl softly under his breath. Soon he arrived at the opening.

On the hard earth below, what seemed to be a large clump of black and gray fur twitched slightly. Dark eyes shot opened and flickered around sharply. Valde rose to his feet and shook the dirt and leaves out of his thick fur. But before he even had a chance to take a single step, something shot through his mind, leaving him frozen where he stood.

A female Mightyena sat curled up in the side of the small cave, although it couldn’t even be called that, for, oddly enough, there was no back of it. There was another opening on the other side, which seemed to overlook the stream. Above was a rocky overhang that acted as a ceiling to keep out the rain. It looked like a cozy little home.

The wolf bolted up in joy; she recognized this familiar intruder at once. She leapt forth before stopping suddenly in her tracks. She recoiled backwards in horror as she gazed speechless ahead towards the wolf, who made his way towards her in a bizarre fashion. He stopped abruptly.

“Mother…” He muttered, before entering a fit of insane cackles.

“W-Who are you…?” She stuttered, barely able to make out the words. She did not know what horrors had happened to her son.

“You will have the same fate as my brother… He barely put up a fight…Heheheheh…” His eyes flickered with madness.

It was the image of his son’s dead body that had been discovered the previous night, mangled and bloody. A knot in his stomach grew, and he kneeled down as if he was about to throw up. Valde tried to swallow, but his mouth was far too dry. He felt sick. His eyes closed tight, and he began to think of what kind of monstrosity could have committed this terrible crime. His son was dead. Tears welling in his eyes, Valde vowed to find out who was behind it.

“No… that’s not true…” She began, but her eyes caught sight of the red fluid that stained his claws. However, it was because of the awful smell that she realized it - the smell of blood and death. She took a few steps back, growing closer to the cliff. The Mightyena, whose appearance made him look like a complete stranger now, advanced closer.

“I feel like killing some more… Is that all right with you? Are you going to fight your son? You might hurt me Mother, and perhaps kill me if you’re unlucky enough, do you think you could live with that?”

He began to laugh menacing once more. However, he waited no further for a response before lunging toward her with bloody fangs bared. The female wolf jumped to the side avoiding the attack. She slowly walked back, unaware of the treacherous cliff that lay behind her; she was only focused on the creature that was heading toward her, laughing insanely.

“You know…” He began to speak, “You could always leap to your death and avoid being slaughtered by me…”

The wolf’s mother shivered slightly. She peered down at the flowing, rocky stream that lay below and clinched her fate. What remained of her eldest son leapt forth and caught the left side of her head with his red claws, tearing a chunk of flesh right off as she stumbled back and fell into the river forty feet below.

The Mightyena howled with insane laughter as he left from the site, as the body of his mother began to float downstream, contaminating the waters with her blood.

Valde’s contemplative sadness turned into an enraged fury. The tears began to fall away and his usually dark, dim eyes now burned deep with a desire to avenge his son. He had to return to the camp site fast, and his head shot in every direction, searching for the quickest way. Fortunately, during his chase he had seemingly carved a path through this part of the forest, and Valde rushed down the trail, the thought of revenge fueling his motion.

The path was reasonably straightforward, but it was still a bit more of a hassle to find his way back. The trail he had made was fairly visible, but at times the path would fade into the thick of the forest and he would look around cluelessly. His instinct as his guide, the Mighyena managed to successfully return to his home, and he breathed a deep sigh of relief.

As he arrived, Valde looked around oddly at the vacant scenery. The heavens above were now wrapped in a blanket of darkness, the stars and moon serenely lighting the earth. Valde could hear faint sounds near the mouth of the stream, and he began along the rocky cliffs towards them.

As he advanced, the noises turned into the low mutters of voices, until he was close enough so that a particular smell crept through his nostrils, carrying with it a stinging sensation. It was a horrible smell that had lingered with him his entire journey back.

He broke into a run and bolted down toward noises, the jagged ledges of the rocky formation becoming a blur of gray and white beside him. Soon he could see the outlines of wolves which became clearer as he neared until he skidded to a halt at the scene. Many Mightyena were huddled in a group, talking amongst each other in soft, low tones and staring sadly at what seemed lay on ground of to the side. However, the talking ceased at once as they caught sight of Valde, who broke through the group to see what had happened.

It was as if all his fears were embodied in the bloody mess that lay sprawled out on the grass. He couldn’t handle it. The things that gave him purpose in the world had been taken away, one by one. An uncontrollable fury overtook him, and he began to shake vehemently. Dark eyes shut tightly to keep back the tears, but they still leaked through, running down his snout and falling softly to the earth.

In a combination of pure despair and utter rage, Valde burst into the forest leaving a pained roar of hatred behind him. He was intent on doing nothing but murdering who or whatever was behind this. Pain no longer meant anything to him; the satisfaction of redemption was all he longed for.

Branches and thorns clawed and tore at his flesh as he pushed forth his eyes darting around for signs of anything suspicious. He would stop momentarily and perk his ears up occasionally before darting in another direction. His hide was bloodied and bruised by his reckless pursuit, but he continued on, desperately searching.

Being autumn, multi-colored leaves covered the earth like a thick, crunching carpet, making it nigh impossible to hear as he ran. The trees were like sky-scrapers blocking out the moon’s light, casting the forest in near complete darkness. He stopped and began leapt around blindly, frantically sniffing the air for any signs of what might be the killer, when he heard the sound of crunching leaves in the distance.

As if someone had pulled an imaginary switch, he shot toward the sound as fast as he could travel. He began to smell the thick aroma of blood which made his heart turn over suddenly, but he did not stop. The trees began to fade into a meadow, and Valde’s sight returned to him. The putrid smell was stronger than ever, and he knew something was near. He looked around quickly, his eyes darting left and right, when a raspy voice broke the cool night’s short silence.

“Father, I knew you’d come,” it muttered coldly. The owner of the voice, shrouded in the tall grass, rose to his feet into clear view. He had become more demented it seemed, his eyes were a dark yellowish color, and he would twitch suddenly from time to time. The grass around him was stained from the fresh blood of his claws; it was obvious he had killed again since the previous night. Saliva would begin to foam and sputter from his jaws as he spoke, and a high-pitched laugh or a low growl always seemed to emanate from him.

Valde knew this creature to be his son, yet instead of shock, a dark brooding look was seen in his eyes, as if he was evaluating his very soul. Moments passed, and Valde remained silent, his expression unchanging. A loud squeal of impatience sounded from across the meadow.

“Well? Why don’t you say something?”

Valde’s lips curled up into a snarl. There was something disturbing about his son, something he noticed at the very beginning. It was almost difficult for him to tell that it was his son; he had undergone such a brutal change. But Valde had discovered what plagued him, and it was the only thing that Mightyena feared above death.

It was a virus, a disease considered to be a monster born in Hell because of its wickedness. It was called such because it was as if a demon was controlling the victim, as that creature would because possessed and kill until death. The sickness would take over, and the victim would be tortured on the inside and tear apart any living thing that it could reach.

No one knew where it came from, but through stories told of it, many theorized that it originated in the very pits of Hell. It was worse than death, because the victim would be torn apart by the murders it commits, for the possessed keep their sanity, but cannot control the urge to kill. However, just by a glance at them, one would think that the victim no longer remained because of their actions and appearance. It was beyond terrible.

And Valde knew it very well, for he had witnessed the disease take hold of a wolf before.

“You are not my son. You are an evil beast.” Valde said softly, but he knew this was a lie. He knew his son was still alive, but he knew what had to be done.

“Heheheh… maybe I am… But honestly Father, can you kill me? You know that if you do, any trace of a family you had will be gone…” He howled with insane laughter, a sneer smeared across his face.

“Having no family left is better than having a murderer still alive,” Valde replied sternly. “I will kill you.”

Valde knew he must; he would not allow such a beast to continue walking the Earth. Even if it was his own son, he had no choice but to slay him. It saddened him dearly, but he kept those emotions hidden. He knew he was doing what was right. The only place a monster belonged was Hell.

He did not wait for a reply. Rushing forward with all he had, he leapt forth toward his son with his fangs and claws bared, but he met harshly with the dirt and grass. Rising quickly to his feet, he was met with an oncoming slash and became locked in a flurry of claws from both sides. Valde quickly leapt to the side and dashed ahead, managing to close his jaws around the wolf’s hind leg.

Howling in agony, the Mightyena desperately struggled to break free of his father’s grasp, ultimately ripping a good bit of flesh from the bone. He slowly tried limped to the side in vain, as Valde pursued his opponent with a claw into his back and proceeded to fatally dig his fangs into the flesh. His son, in one final action of defiance before his inevitable death, reached up and locked his jaws over Valde’s neck before crashing to the ground and releasing his grasp.

Valde limped away from his son’s lifeless body and stared up at the sky, lit brightly by the moon, still full in the night. He had completed what he had set out to do, but he was now locked in an eternal cage of hopelessness. What he had of a family had been taken away in mere days and he longed for nothing more than to be with them again. But it had been done, and he had not been there to prevent it. He was alone now, completely cut of from anyone or anything. His fate was sealed; he could no longer return to his pack.

Blood trickled slowly down his neck. Valde turned his head and slowly began to lick the wound.

As a result of the battle, not only had his son’s life ended, but his own had as well. The Monster within his son had not died when his body did; it had simply been passed on to a new host. Its claws had found its way to the wolf’s heart, and cursed him to a life of horrors.

Kiyohime
29th November 2005, 5:00 AM
Rays of soft, red light splintered through the forest, enveloping the trees in an eerie glow. The birds chirped softly from their nests high in the treetops. It was already evening of the next day and the sun, falling into a mass of red, seemed to be bathing the entire sky in blood. It was a breathtaking sight; twisted threads of red and orange merged into one to create a portrait of beauty and tranquility, yet the air was filled with despair.

This is the part where I murder you with a rusty hammer and steal your LUBBLY SECKSAY descriptive talent. You're making us all look bad, curse you! X0

MIGHTYENA MIGHTYENA MIGHTYENA, ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE POKEMON OF THEM ALL SHALALALALALALALA. Insant kudos for that. ^.^

The idea is so creepy...it's like Slinx, Sin, and Cujo all in one gory package! And did I mention that description was....was.....ARGHHHHH!

*crawls away muttering nonsense to herself*

FloatingFlames
29th November 2005, 5:38 AM
Wow, that was a fast review... o_o

Thank you so much for the review Scrap! XD

Eh, I don't think my description was that great, but I definitely feel it's improved. Oh, and if you're wondering, the disease that was spoken of in the fic was rabies. When I wrote Bloodthirsty, the Zigzagoon reminded me of a rabid dog, and that's where I got the idea of writing about rabies from a Pokemon's perspective.

And the "Monster" that the title is referring to is not the rabid wolf, but the actual rabies. I think one could gather that from a read through, but I just felt like pointing it out if someone was to overlook it.

Again, thank you for the wonderful review, I was so excited to see a review this soon.

By the way, when I was stuck on a scene in this fic, I opened Sin and began to read the prologue (which was fantastic, if I may say so) and it kind of relieved me of my block and got me out of that bind. I wish I had read it sooner, and you can expect to see a review by the end of the week. ^_^

Kiyohime
29th November 2005, 5:45 AM
o.o Wow...it did the same thing for Syra. MY WRITING EES MAGIC. 8D

At first I thought it must have been rabies, but then thought, "Nah, it's got to be some kind of demon possession or insanity like in Bloodthirsty," and the Monster reference was something I recongized because it's a lot like Sin. Your Monster refers to rabies, mine refers to the virus within. ^^

Comparing this with Bloodthirsty, both were wonderful, but I think Bloodthirsty was more horrifying because it was a cute little Zigzagoon killing a boy, for no apparent reason other than he began to like the taste of blood, which really freaked the hell out of me. XD But if that was rabies, then it makes all the more sense.

Have you ever seen an animal with rabies? Did you 'rabies' is also referred to as hydrophobia? XD

mindripper
29th November 2005, 4:09 PM
The clear stream that was typically swift and strong was now unusually calm.

Aha! Having rambled about science in my last few reviews for other fics, we now go to geography. Streams are normally the birth stage of a river, even though some just take them to be one and the same. Usually, a stream begins where a source of water gathers on a water basin. A stream generally does not travel quickly, unless gradient is high, and the very definition of a stream limits its size. For example, if a stream were to travel quickly, there would be larger amounts of erosion, which typically takes place at higher altitudes due to gradient. This would result in continual undercutting of the river bed and banks, and a widening of the channel, which would result in the transition to a river, much like a mountain starts off as a hill after geographical stress but grows into a mountain in certain cases. Important not to write the wrong thing, even though it is a small matter.


But was the most bizarre thing was the stench of blood that lingered in the night and the pattering that belonged to the paws of wolves known as Mightyena.

I really did not like this line as well, especially the second portion, which feels as though it was inserted for slight dramatisation, but which actually hindered the flow more than anything. Do you get what I mean? I could explain more in-depth if you want.


Dark eyes shot opened and flickered around sharply

Tenses. Also, how would dark eyes flicker in the night?

Well, I like the usage of "monster" to account for a virus, as that is obviously what it turns its carrier into. if you were writng about rabies, although I dount you were, you might want to note that rabies is not that extreme in most cases, and most animals have at least a slight natural immunity to it, afforded by evolution. Nice work here. See you are tiptoeing into horror territory.

Seijiro Mafuné
30th November 2005, 1:27 AM
Well... that was creepy. And it's 10PM here, so it's gonna freak me out. Good job.

IceKing
17th December 2005, 2:22 AM
Aww, poor Rettiole. Only three reviews and only a hundred views *pats head*
Heres my commentary.


A maddening howl pierced the quiet night as the silvery moon shone bright in the dark sky, casting shadows through the black forest. This night was certainly not usual; the wind did not whisper through the trees and the crickets did not sing. The clear stream that was typically swift and strong was now unusually calm. Although the air was normally cool, it was now humid and irritable, and the mosquitoes were out, which was strange for this time of year.

Good setting placement...really brings out the dark fearful mood.


Up ahead at the front was a wolf with an odd look in his dark reddish eyes, half worried, half angered. Although it was graying, wild, dark fur stretched from the top of his had all the way down his back. The same fur rose up his four legs, before fading into shorter fur of a silvery color. The other Mightyena that followed behind him looked more in the prime because instead of graying slightly in some areas, their fur was jet-black.

Hmm, a bit too much fur talk for me. More emphasis on other things like their fangs, claws, snouts, and manes...


The day felt ominous as it first began, the sun itself in the morning sky seemed to crying tears of sadness.
I believe thats CRY. But either way, I'm not too fond of that figurative lanuage, doesn't really seem to fit, ya know?


Instinctively, Valde rushed into the forest in a burst of speed after whatever had made the sound. A newfound adrenaline was pumping through his blood as he became a silver blur. His legs carried him faster than ever as his sharp claws dug into the soft earth for a fraction of a second before propelling him forward like a bullet of living flesh. He kept running, not slowing down for a moment.

I loved this paragraph with an uncapitilized l, it was so vivid and well written. You could truly feel what Valde felt!



Rays of soft, red light splintered through the forest, enveloping the trees in an eerie glow. The birds chirped softly from their nests high in the treetops. It was already evening of the next day and the sun, falling into a mass of red, seemed to be bathing the entire sky in blood. It was a breathtaking sight; twisted threads of red and orange merged into one to create a portrait of beauty and tranquility, yet the air was filled with despair.


Ehhh, your repeating the fact that its all blood red and ominous over and over.



“You will have the same fate as my brother… He barely put up a fight…Heheheheh…” His eyes flickered with madness

Thanks for fixing that :)


His son was dead.

Hmm, that line broke the flow of that good passage for me


The trail he had made was fairly visible, but at times the path would fade into the thick of the forest, and he would look around cluelessly.


It was as if all his fears were embodied in the bloody mess that lay sprawled out on the grass. He couldn’t handle it. The things that gave him purpose in the world had been taken away, one by one. An uncontrollable fury overtook him, and he began to shake vehemently. Dark eyes shut tightly to keep back the tears, but they still leaked through, running down his snout and falling softly to the earth.


You really shoulda described his wife's mangled body.


He had become more demented it seemed, his eyes were a dark yellowish color, and he would twitch suddenly from time to time. The grass around him was stained from the fresh blood of his claws; it was obvious he had killed again since the previous night. Saliva would begin to foam and sputter from his jaws as he spoke, and a high-pitched laugh or a low growl always seemed to emanate from him.

Nice description!


It was a virus, a disease considered to be a monster born in Hell because of its wickedness. It was called such because it was as if a demon was controlling the victim, as that creature would because possessed and kill until death. The sickness would take over, and the victim would be tortured on the inside and tear apart any living thing that it could reach.

Ehhh...you coulda prolly done better than that


The only place a monster belonged was Hell.

Now that I think about it, I think the word monster doesn't really fit in with the fic's tone. I think "beast" or "creature" or "Demon" or something with a bit darker connatation would be better.


As a result of the battle, not only had his son’s life ended, but his own had as well. The Monster within his son had not died when his body did; it had simply been passed on to a new host. Its claws had found its way to the wolf’s heart, and cursed him to a life of horrors.


Damn...that sucks. I think the ending could have been bettter like him looking at himself in a puddle of blood or something a bit more symbolic than him just licking his wound.


Overall, I really realyl loved this one shot, definetely my favorite by you best. I personally think it could have been even better, which would make it so totally rad beyond belief... I made the majority of my comments in my commnentary heres an overall overview. The plot was definetely good and original, a lot of people do viruses but no one did Rabies yet I believe. The description was wonderful though a bit repitive at times. The details were very good and enjoyable, though I wish you put more in some places, like when Valde saw his dead wife and the battle between father and son. I was very dissapointed at how soon the Valde-Son battle ended, it's supposed to be the climax of the one shot and it only ended in two paragraphs. Charachters were done beautifully as well, Valde being the best of course. Emotions were VERY powerful in this fic from the breaking of Valde, to the Mother's Catch-22, to the son's (who btw I think you should have given a name) insanity. The flow which was originally kinda choppy in the version you showed me improved GREATLY and its much better now. I think you need to make the Italicized mother murder scene a bit better, as I said before, it has great potential but it needs to be done well and the way you have it know it seems like Valde is remembering this murder... I don't really have suggestions for it though


Final words: Great job Flamer! Very beautiful one shot, just be careful to emphasize some parts. You get a 5 star rating from me!

Sike Saner
17th December 2005, 3:57 AM
What would we like to do, may I ask?
Would we like to kill?

Would we like to devour, to rip and tear?

It is up to you, you must decide what we will do...
...you hunger for flesh...?

...Then we must kill then... kill...


Now, there were quite a lot of things scattered about this piece that I really liked, lots of tasty little goodies - I could very nearly cite the whole thing, but instead I opted to go with my very favorite part, and it would be that, that right there which opened the piece. I just love that kind of thing to death. ^_^ You really set the mood nicely and maintained the atmosphere throughout the story; it was well-presented, I thought. And the ending. Frell, but you seem uncannily good at delivering a good, sweet ending - the last piece of yours that I read had one, too.

Boss stuff, there. ^_^ *thumbs-up*

Saffire Persian
17th December 2005, 4:07 AM
Very well done - really, I have very little to criticize, or really, say anything bad about. And all the things I do seem very nitpicky at the moment. I loved your usage of the Pokemon POV, as I love them to death, and I think you did a nice job. All the emotions were displayed nicely - the horror, the insanity, the disbelief, you have quite a bit of talent here.

I dunno what the family groups of Mightyena or like, but if they're anything like real wolves, I would have expected this pack to be bigger than it seemed to me to be - especially in the scene where the insane Mightyena found his mother at their den alone. Of course, perhaps Mightyena aren't as social as real wolves - but the Pokedex seems to denote they follow the same habit. Nitpicky, I know. ^^

Also, I disagree with IceKing on the fact you should have given that insane son of Valde's a name. I like it how it is, but I can rightfully see where IceKing comes from. But I can see why you didn't do it, at least, I think I do. I think your objective was to portray a feeling that he was no longer their son - a monster, a being no longer known to them. Kudos for that.


“W-Who are you…?” She stuttered, barely able to make out the words. She did not know what horrors had happened to her son.

Despite him frothing at the mouth and the like, I think she would have responded differently - like "What - what happened to you" rather than "who". But, then again, it's still good how it is... it's just my nitpicky opinion about it. You have done a marvelous job - this is definitely one of my favorite one-shots I've ever read.

Elemental Charizam
17th December 2005, 8:12 PM
Some very nice descriptions there Rettiole... But it did have its faults, which is what my review focuses on. Here's one:


They looked like a blur of darkness that blended in with the forest. There were at least five of them, sprinting as fast as there legs could take them.
Should be 'their'.

As Fenit pointed out, you did linger on some things, re-describing them throughout the fic. I think you should have cut out a lot of that description here, because it flowed too slowly to really get across the power of the message being put across.

Valde's son was just to comical for me to take seriously to be honest... He went 'hehehehe' XD It doesn't really sound like a desperate lusting madness for flesh like the opening lines suggest either.

The language used at the end should have been more powerful in my opinion. It wasn't made any better by your dubious use of language in some sentences:


Howling in agony, the Mightyena desperately struggled to break free of his father’s grasp, ultimately ripping a good bit of flesh from the bone.
It just doesn't feel right in that sentence =/

Anyway, it was a pretty good one shot overall - just not my kind of thing really. Though I didmn't dislike it as much as this review suggests. I'm just in negative mode, and I found lots of things that I personally disliked in there...