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Vigoroth Clone
29th November 2005, 10:04 PM
Note: I am trying not to spam this so please dont give me reports that its spam

For the Pokemon Adventure are the new PDD. Except for the Moderators, they aren't there.

Story 1: TPA- Mailab Region 1

Table of Contents:
~Intro-Pokemon Mailab Info~
~Chapter 1-Williams Rival~

Intro- Pokemon Mailab Info
The newest region, Mailab, is were the all of the pokemon are. There are 9 new gym leaders.

Hank(Ferodon City): The Poisen Gym Leader
Silia(Horgal Town): The Bug Gym Leader
Millonia(Gorhathen City): The Ground Gym Leader
Ying and Yang(Leopri City): The Ghost Gym Leaders
Corpsii(Trirer City): The Steel Gym Leader Monroe(Trirer City): The unoficial Fighting Gym Leader
Jerald(Corko City): The Dark Gym Leader
Leonard(Orka City): The Grass Gym Leader
Millissa(Decstro Town): The Dragon Gym Leader

Their are new types of Trainers, new challanges, and some new pokemon, too.
This region is North of Kento, and east of Hoenn.

The Journey starts in the first town, Regto village, were a new trainer will get his first pokemon. The trainers name is William, a Kid with Elvis-like Fudgy hair and a blue shirt. William has now moved to Regto from Dewford, Hoenn. He doesn't have any Pokemon, but today he will get one.
"Now remember William," said Williams Mom, "Remember to always call home and eat three meals a day. Okay?". "Yes Mom." Replied William, though he was thinking that his mom was a worrywart. He then was walking to the lab when he reliezed that he didn't get to think of what pokemon.
William decided to just get what pokemon they had. He then opened the door.
"Hello, my name is William, do you have any Pokemon today?" he Hollered. But no one seem to answer.
As he walked down, he notice to see containers with odd eggs, and to see countainers countaining fossils, and Boxes with things moving in them.
He then saw a light at the edge, were he saw an odd countraption being fixed to whom must be the Prof.
"Hello?" said William sort of timid. "What do you want?!" said the Prof. "I am here to get a pokemon."
"Well, I don't have any anymore!" said the Prof. While he was saying that, William looked at his name tag, it said 'Prof.Willow Einstein'.
"But you have to have one!?" said William. "Fine, Bill I will give you one of the expirementall ones! Just let me work!" Replied Prof.Willow
"Here, take this Sudowoodo pre-evolution!". "But Sudowoodos don't have pre-evolutions!" Said William, angered because he thinks the Prof. Tricked him.
"Trust me, they do." Replied Willow.
Then he shood William out of his lab and William felt mistreated.
But then, he opened the Pokeball and out came a Bonsly. "Bonsly!!" Said Bonsly Happily.
William then checked his Hoenn Pokedex.
"Bonsly, the Bonsai Pokemon. Little is known about this Pokemon, but it is the Pre-Evolution of Sudowoodo."
He then closed his Pokedex.
"Wow, a Bonsly! So it is the Pre-evolution of a Sudowoodo!" said William. After the meeting of William and His Bonsly, they would go to do great things together.

Chapter 1- Williams Rival

William and Bonsly (;bonsly;)go to there mothers house, and William shows Mom his Bonsly. Williams Mom looks like Sabrina, but she is not.
"Are you sure that is a Pokemon? It doesnt look like any pokemon I have ever seen?" said Williams Mom disturbed. "Don't woory, I checked my Pokedex, It says it is a real pokemon." Says William looking very proudly with his hands behind his back.
"Well, I'm not... But..." Williams Mom then spaces out and sits on a flower patterned chair. "Mom, are you okay?" says William. "Bonsly!, Bonsly?" Bonsly was Cheerfully saying his name on the side of her, but then he notices that she is not paying attention to him.
"Oh, I am fine. Hey, why don't you go to Ferodon City and face Hank, the Poison gym leader, well, I'll miss you, good luck!" Then William looks at his Mom as if he were looking at Prof. Willow as his Mom scooted him out of the house, then she threw Bonsly and he rolled into the lab, a giant grey building were Prof. Willow lives.
"Hey, what are you doing?! I'm trying to fix my... Bill, I'm sorry, its just that I can't be diturbed." said Prof. Willow (Willow looks like Tequnus from Danny Phantom, But with light skin and legs, and no powers). "I am sorry to, but my name is William, not Bill." Then Bonsly blows out a cauliflower cloud that Japanese cartoons blow when they ex-hail when they calm down. He is upside down because he hit the Lab upside down when he was rolling.
"Hey," said Prof. Willow, " A college and friend of mine, Buddhist Ben, just became master of Buddhism pokemon training, if you want him to teach you, he'll be on Buddhist capital, Gothyor Village."
"No thanks Proffeser, I'm Christian not a Buddhist!" replied William. "Anyways, were going to Ferodon to fight a guy named Hank."
"No wait, their is one thing I need you to do," said Willow, "I need you to go check on my daughter, Sally, she is wearing a Pink jacket with a white shirt, blue jeans, Black hair, and a Zigzagoon face Back-Pack, she is on route 400. I'll give you Pokeballs." *William gets 5 Pokeballs*
"All right, I go check on her. Come on Bonsly!" Bonsly gets up and walks toward William. Then they walk to route 400 as Wilow goes into the lab.
As Bonsly walks happily with eyes closed, taking one step at a time, William was walking, holding his right Back-Pack strip.
Then they find Sally, and she looked like everything the discription was.
"Hey, who are you?" said Sally Einstien. "I was sent from Prof. Willow to find you!" Replied William.
"Oh, so you got a cool knew pokemon too, so how about a battle." Said Sally.
"Allright, but we'll have to make it quick. Go Bonsly!" Said William.
"Dont worry, it will, go Sneasel!" (;215;) Said Sally, "Scratch then traunt Sneasel." "Snea!" said Sneasel.
Sneasels cut might of not been effective, but it's Traut sure was.
William lost after the Traunt. "I... I can't believe I lost in one turn." Said William dissipointed.
"Well, I guess we'll battle next time. See you later, Bill." Said Sally.
Then William noticed she was leaving and said, "MY NAME IS NOT BILL, ITS WILLIAM.", When William did that, it scared Bonsly.

Dragonfree
29th November 2005, 11:08 PM
You may be trying not to spam, but the fact is that it does not fit the length requirements in the rules. Additionally, the fic contains little to no description of what is going on - the only thing you describe is William in the beginning. Generally it's also way too fast-paced.

If you don't improve in the next chapter, this will be closed.

Klaus
29th November 2005, 11:32 PM
Um....well....O_o.

I'm sorry but it was poorly written and didn't have any discription-'cept that
william kid. And the originality has alot to be desired. All it is is a large paragraph and it lacks a large amount of requierments.

Anyway, Dragonfree is right and if it doesn't shape up than more and likly it will be closed.


As always, be kind to the mime.

Nagi Souichiro
1st December 2005, 2:25 AM
Note: I am trying not to spam this so please dont give me reports that its spam

For the Pokemon Adventure are the new PDD. Except for the Moderators, they aren't there.

Story 1: TPA- Mailab Region 1

Table of Contents:
~Intro-Pokemon Mailab Info~

Intro- Pokemon Mailab Info
The newest region, Mailab, is were the all of the pokemon are. There are 9 new gym leaders.

Hank(Ferodon City): The Poisen Gym Leader (Grammar error! Misspelled Poison!)
Silia(Horgal Town): The Bug Gym Leader
Millonia(Gorhathen City): The Ground Gym Leader
Ying and Yang(Leopri City): The Ghost Gym Leaders
Corpsii(Trirer City): The Steel Gym Leader
Monroe(Trirer City): The unoficial Fighting Gym Leader
Jerald(Corko City): The Dark Gym Leader
Leonard(Orka City): The Grass Gym Leader
Millissa(Decstro Town): The Dragon Gym Leader

Their are new types of Trainers, new challanges, and some new pokemon, too. (Grammar error! Their should be There... misspelled challenges.)
This region is North of Kento, and east of Hoenn.(Grammar error! misspelled Kanto!)

The Journey starts in the first town, Regto village, were a new trainer will get his first pokemon. The trainers name is William, a Kid with Elvis-like Fudgy hair and a blue shirt. William has now moved to Regto from Dewford, Hoenn. He doesn't have any Pokemon, but today he will get one. (Grammar error! Plenty of capitalization errors. Journey on the 1st sentence should be lower cased, kid and fudgy on the second sentence should be lower cased, and were on the first sentence should be where. Trainers on the second sentence should be "trainer's".)"Now remember William," said Williams Mom, "Remember to always call home and eat three meals a day. Okay?". "Yes Mom." Replied William, though he was thinking that his mom was a worrywart. (Grammar error! 1st of all Williams Mom on the first sentence should be William's mom. I can't put my finger on it but I sense something is wrong about this part. I don't know why but I feel uncomfortable about this part most of all. Grammar errors and wrong wordings plaque this part. *notice I used part on every sentence*) He then was walking to the lab when he reliezed that he didn't get to think of what pokemon. (Grammar error! You seem to have a problem speaking English, this sentence sports several wording problems and it doesn't sound right, nor does it make any sense. You also misspelled realize. You put reliezed. It's also incomplete. The last part of the sentence: " ...he didn't get to think of what pokemon..." doesn't make any sense.)
William decided to just get what pokemon they had. He then opened the door.
"Hello, my name is William, do you have any Pokemon today?" he Hollered. But no one seem to answer. (Grammar error! Again wrong wording. Wrong use of capitalization for the word hollered. "But no one seem to answer makes no sense!)As he walked down, he notice to see containers with odd eggs, and to see countainers countaining fossils, and Boxes with things moving in them. (Grammar error! Must I ask you? Are you japanese or something? You're use of English is absolutely horrendous! Boxes should be lower cased.)He then saw a light at the edge, were he saw an odd countraption being fixed to whom must be the Prof.
"Hello?" said William sort of timid. "What do you want?!" said the Prof. "I am here to get a pokemon."
"Well, I don't have any anymore!" said the Prof. While he was saying that, William looked at his name tag, it said 'Prof.Willow Einstein'. (Grammar error!! Let me take it back. You're use of English is not horrendous, it's incredibly awkward and horrendous. Same errors, wrong wording, wrong grammar etc. etc.)"But you have to have one!?" said William. "Fine, Bill I will give you one of the expirementall ones! Just let me work!" Replied Prof.Willow
"Here, take this Sudowoodo pre-evolution!". "But Sudowoodos don't have pre-evolutions!" Said William, angered because he thinks the Prof. Tricked him.
"Trust me, they do." Replied Willow. (Grammar error! Let me take it back. You're use of english is not awkward and horendous. It's awkward, horrendous and stupid. You make no sense whatsoever. Plenty of spelling mistakes (ex.: expiremental, it should be experimental) wrong grammar (ex. just because Prof. ends with a period doesn't mean you have to capitalize the next letter! >__<), and what does this mean: "Fine, Bill I will give you one of the expirementall ones!" it makes no sense! And why is Bill in here?)Then he shood William out of his lab and William felt mistreated. (WOAH!! The best sentence of the whole fic! Err...paragraph-that's too-short-to-be-a-prologue. My only comment is you misspelled shood, it should be shooed. Plus you could have separated the sentence into two. It will have a better effect (ex.: Willow shooed William out of his lab, as the professor returned to his daily work. As William stepped outside the doors, he can't help but to feel mistreated.))
But then, he opened the Pokeball and out came a Bonsly. "Bonsly!!" Said Bonsly Happily. (Grammar error! several capitalization error. Said Bonsly Happily is not a happy capitalization family, said and happily should be lower-cased! The sentence has wrong wordings. Well, at least you have no spelling errors on this one...)William then checked his Hoenn Pokedex.
"Bonsly, the Bonsai Pokemon. Little is known about this Pokemon, but it is the Pre-Evolution of Sudowoodo."
He then closed his Pokedex.
"Wow, a Bonsly! So it is the Pre-evolution of a Sudowoodo!" said William. After the meeting of William and His Bonsly, they would go to do great things together.(Grammar error! Several fragmentation. I am surprised you did not combine the first two paragraphs on this one. Those are called fragments. Again mistakes in wordings plaque this last part.)


Overall I'll give this err...."proloque" a 1/10 for effort. At least you had the guts to post this fic you have here knowing several reviewers will criticize it heavily.

This "prolouge" has several mistakes, misspellings, capitalization errors, vague sentences and bad grammar, making it unworthy to be considered a "Prologue". Besides, it's too damn short!

I'm sorry but this fic is incredibly poor written. The only explanations I can think of is:
1.You are a 1st, 2nd or 3rd grader that is beginning to learn the beauty of writing quality work. This is obviously an essay you wrote for 1st grade!
2. You are a foreign fan who wished to share his/her story, but sadly, because you're not fluent in english, you made several mistakes and you did not even noticed this.
3. You wrote this directly in the New thread screen, without revising it. It seems you wrote this in no less than 5 minutes, and you felt that it is acceptable.You thought revising it was unneccesary.

I'll be reading the next chapter, and I hope for an improvement. Again as Dragonfree said, if this does not improve, it will be closed. Try your best and this time make sure to type it first in word (they have a grammar check there) then revise and edit it, and please make sure it is at least 1 page in word.

My verdict: Thumbs down.

Nagi Souichiro
2nd December 2005, 4:04 AM
I feel disgusted. After all the criticisms that you received, all the advice we gave and all the warning a mod sent you, you still did not improve. This second "chapter" is worse than the first. Amazing amount of grammar error. Plenty of broken English, and a humongous amount of misspellings.
It seems you failed to recognize the help people gave you to improve and provide quality work and you even failed to heed and fear the warning of a mod. I'm sorry but if a mod does not close this thread, then I'd surely believe something is going on.

(Sorry for double posting, but I just felt that this message should be sent through. Thanks and sorry!)

Dragonfree
2nd December 2005, 2:25 PM
You have clearly still not read the rules. That is evident from the fact alone that you inserted smilies into the fic. We don't want you to describe because we don't know what they look like; we want you to describe because not doing so is simply lazy, and pictures do not help.

Now, as you did not heed the warning, I'm closing this like I said I would.