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View Full Version : Why some "saving world" concepts don't work out



bLASTOIse_MAsTer
30th November 2005, 11:05 PM
hello. this is one of my REAL fanfics about when Ash- well no, u should just read the storie urself. well, here is the prologue. sorry if it is a bit short, it's my first. i read advice for aspiring authors and took advice from that.


Prologue!




“Pikachu! Use Thunderbolt!” Ash yelled over the roar of the crowd. Pikachu glowed a bright yellow and unleashed a white bolt of electricity right at Ricardo's Milotic. Milotic started glowing a bright white, and fell to the ground then retreated to its Pokeball.

“Ash Ketchum is this years Hoenn Championship winner!” The scoreboard showed an enlarged picture of Ash revealing his jet-black hair, his white and red vest, shirt, and pants and his huge overflowed backpack which seemed to be ripping at the straps. Ash had won the Hoenn Championship! He hugged his Pikachu so hard he had to let out a bolt of electricity to get Ash off him.

“Sorry Pikachu but we won! We did it!” Ash yelled in excitement. He shook hands with Ricardo, who looked miserable about losing but congratulated Ash. Ricardo looked a bit Hispanic with black hair, tan skin, and a five inch scar on his arm. As he walked out of the stadium with Misty and Brock, who were among the hundreds who were carrying Ash out of the stadium, there was an explosion. The scoreboard exploded into a thousand pieces.

“Duck!” Ash bellowed. Everybody crouched down to avoid the shards of glass as they flew over the spectators’ heads.

“What the heck was that?” Ash questioned to Misty and Brock.

“Whatever it was, it wasn’t an accident,” Brock replied. A loud voice over a loudspeaker echoed over the stadium.

“Everyone remain calm. This is just- this is just- a drill to ensure our safety. If everyone will please- Eldes, now!” the voice yelled. There was an eerie whirring as everyone’s Pokemon were being sucked into the air towards the helicopter! Pikachu was dragged out of Ash’s arms and started flying towards the helicopter.

“Pikachu! No! C’mon Brock help me!” Ash screamed. They lunged after Pikachu but they tripped hard on the smooth stadium floor because they were running too fast.

“Pikachu… noooooooooooo!” Ash half screamed and sobbed. “We’re gonna find Pikachu if it’s the last thing we do!”

“Shut up kid. I know where your Pikachu went,” a voice behind them said.


__________________________________________________ ___

so... it was a page in microsoft word... it seems a bit short... o well it is just a prologue not a chapter. how is it?

Meep
1st December 2005, 12:38 AM
Your. Read it with me: y-o-u-r, not u-r. Just typing those two extra letters make people think better of you. Wait, forget that - just write out all of your words instead of using chatspeak. Not only do people think that authors who use chatspeak aren't good authors, it also makes your text painful to read.

Second, description. Describe the glass breaking, the weather, and even the charactars. Not all of us watch the anime every day, we forget what the charactars look like.

And third - where in the world did the helicopter come from? You suddenly mention it being there like it always was.

That's all I can think of right now.

Yami Ryu
1st December 2005, 12:54 AM
“Pikachu! Use Thunderbolt!” Ash yelled over the roar of the crowd. Pikachu glowed a bright yellow and unleashed a white bolt of electricity right at Ricardo's Milotic. Milotic started glowing a bright white, and fell to the ground then retreated to its Pokeball.

So Milotic glowed white, and magically was withdrawn into it's pokeball? Did it take any damage at all? Did it feel pain? Was it hurt? Was it koed? Did it even try to get out of the magical blast of one hit knock out electrical energy?

What does Milotic look like? What does Pikachu look like? What does Ricardo look like? Why were they fighting? Who is Ricardo?


“Ash Ketchum is this years Hoenn Championship winner!” The scoreboard showed an enlarged picture of Ash revealing his jet-black hair, his white and red vest, shirt, and pants and his huge overflowed backpack which seemed to be ripping at the straps. Ash had won the Hoenn Championship! He hugged his Pikachu so hard he had to let out a bolt of electricity to get Ash off him.

So he's in Hoenn, fighting for the championship title. Any reason why he went back to Hoenn? When he hasn't even considered going back to the platue, silver confrence, and is only back in Kanto for the Battle Frontier they introduced from Emerald into the Anime.

And huge overflowed backpack? Doesn't anyone understand about muscle stress these days? If it was that overflowing he'd be in pain and not able to walk, not unless he's bulked up, and not 16 years old, or evel 20. No average day person has the training to take carying a backpack 20lbs+ as you're suggesting, and your descriptions of Ash could have been done better.

Did you even think about describing him after the once again, descriptionless mouse fried him?

Probably not.

I'm sorry but this is one of the worse cliched things out there. You give palor description about things at best, have the characters; both human and pokemon come off as shallow emotionless two dimensional things, and it's lacking in substance along with a seemingly original plot.

shinneymeowth001
3rd December 2005, 12:29 AM
“Everyone remain calm. This is just- this is just- a drill to ensure our safety. If everyone will please- Eldes, now!” the voice yelled.

Eldes as in Chiper Admin Eldes?

Oh, and add more description!