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Mud the Ivysaur
1st December 2005, 6:55 PM
Prologue Part 1:

A green, bi-pied lizard with grass sticking out of its elbows, and the back of its head, ran into a clearing in the luxurious, quiet forest that it lived in. The lizard slowed to a stop, and laid down under the shade of a giant, old Tyepoe Tree. It closed its eyes and listened to the forest basically coming alive. The chirping of Taillow could be heard, rustling leaves could be also be heard, as well as the buzzing of Beedrill in their hive. The green lizard was a Grovyle by the name of J'kai. He then fell asleep under the tree. Suddenly, a voice could be heard.

“J'kai!” called the voice, “J'kai!”

J'kai grumbled, awakened by the voice, “I wasn't even asleep for half an hour.”, he then heard the voice more clearly, “Great.” he mumbled, “It's E-lon.”

“J'kai!” called E-lon again.

E-lon was the brother of J'kai, E-lon was very addicted to Falfinak, a very caffeinated herb, so he almost never slept. E-lon was very annoying to J'kai, and was a Treecko.

“There you are J'kai.” E-lon said, panting as he slowed down to a stop. “The Elders want to talk to you.”

“What is it that the Elders want E-lon?” J'kai asked.

“I don't know J'kai.” He said, still panting.

“Whatever it is, it had better be important.” J'kai growled, “They interrupted my day off!”

E-lon stared, “Yeah, they know that. And they say it's important.”

J'kai snapped, “Tell the Elders I'm on my way.”

“Alright J'kai.” E-lon said, taking off into the forest again.

So then J'kai streched, yawned, then he started off into the forest. The light shimmered through the treetops. As J'kai walked through the forest, he wondered what the Elders wanted with him. J'kai was never called upon when it was his day off, unless it was important. As he came to a rock wall, the Grovyle on top of the wall looked down and saw J'kai.

“It's our head guard, Commander J'kai.” said one of them, as he unlocked the stone gate.

The giant stone gate opened into a giant, beautiful field, with lots of semi-hollow trees for houses. As J'kai walked into the field, the gate behind him slammed shut and locked. He ran over to the biggest tree, which is where the Elders lived. He entered the house, then sat in the center of 'The Circle'. The Elders all came and sat around the perimeter of 'The Circle' that J'kai was sitting in the center of. He then noticed there was a new seat in the room.

“We are pleased that you could come on such short notice, J'kai.” said one of the Elders.

“Why am I here, Elders?” J'kai asked.

“You have been called upon today for a special offer.” answered the same Elder that welcomed him.

“What is this offer, Elders?” asked J'kai once again.

“The offer is, do you wish to be a part of the Elders?” asked the Elder once more.

“Do you really mean it Elders?” asked J'kai, much more surprised then he had ever been before.

“Yes we do.” answered the Elder, “Do you accept the offer?”

“I accept Elders.” answered J'kai.

“It is settled then, J'kai is one with the Elders.” called the same Elder. “Now that you are part of the Elders, we shall tell you our names, for it is part of 'Laws of Elderdom'. I'm Maq'khan.” replied the Elder, known as Maq'khan.

The other Elders introduced themselves to him. J'kai thought that this was the best day of his life.

Hope you liked it.
Please post any comments and criticism.

katiekitten
2nd December 2005, 1:05 AM
Ok...

Well, it's not bad, but then it isn't very good. There is not much plot that I can see, or much intrigue, mystery, adn you do kinda state the obvious in someparts of it. To show that he was a comander, you could have had something like:
He could see the respect in the Grovyls eyes as he hurried to unlock the door. Admitting him into the tree fortress, he bowed respectively.
"Commender J'kai," he muttered, keeping that position as J'kai passed. He nodded dimissively to him...

Something like that. Also, you need a lot more description. Suddenly this fortress pops out of no where, and you don't explain what it looks like at all. As Grovyle is a grass pokemon, I would think that the fortress would be made in side the bowls of living trees, or something of that sort. Grass pokemon do not like stone that much, they don't know how to work it. Ground pokemon deal with that.

There is a small gramitical error in there, (a misplaced '?') but good spelling. Your character doesn't seem to be a gary-stu, another bonus. :)

All in all, it needs some work. iron out those creases, and you'll get along fine. :)

Mud the Ivysaur
2nd December 2005, 1:18 AM
Thanks katiekitten for the C&C. I'll try to remember that for next time. And where is the misplaced "?"?

Edit: In Part 2, the Grovyle clan has moved into a more Grass-like environment setting.
Edit 2: Part 2 should be up soon.

katiekitten
2nd December 2005, 2:24 AM
As J'kai walked through the forest, he wondered what the Elders wanted with him?

There it is. :) It just doesn't sound right. The sentence is a statement, not a question. Word does that to me all the time. :) Just swap it for a full stop and you'll be fine.

Mud the Ivysaur
2nd December 2005, 3:34 AM
Quote:
As J'kai walked through the forest, he wondered what the Elders wanted with him?

There it is. It just doesn't sound right. The sentence is a statement, not a question. Word does that to me all the time. Just swap it for a full stop and you'll be fine.

Thanks, I'll fix that right now.

Edit: Fixed it.

Edit 2: Here are pictures of J'kai and E-lon.
J'kai: http://www.maj.com/gallery/YT/Pokemon/Pokemon/Story/UnfortunateTales/jkai.png
E-lon: http://www.maj.com/gallery/YT/Pokemon/Pokemon/Story/UnfortunateTales/e-lon.png
EditEdit2: Here's Maq'khan.
Maq'khan: http://www.maj.com/gallery/YT/Pokemon/Pokemon/Story/UnfortunateTales/maqkhan.png

Edit 3: Part 2 is complete.

Prologue Part 2:

A few months later, the clan had moved to a new location, which was surronded by a ring of trees. J'kai, who was now a Elder, knew everything that the other Elders of his clan knew. No one knew the names of the Elders in the Clan Council (Other then anyone in the Clan Council), for that information was classified to all citizens. J'kai was always in the Knowledge Center section of the Clan Council building. But when not reading of the past in books, he was either thinking about Sha'kii, the female Grovyle of his dreams, or talking and making jokes with his one and only friend, Zan'kahll, a very talkative Scyther. On the 20th of the month ,he was out in the forest talking to Zan'kahll. Zan'khall suddenly changed the subject.

“Hey J'kai,” said Zan'kahll, “isn't that clearing to our west where your village is?” he asked, pointing.

“Yeah,” said J'kai, looking in the direction Zan'khall pointed, “why?”

“Well, I see a pillar of smoke raising from it.” he said, pointing to the smoke high above the treetops.

J'kai looked at the smoke. “Sorry Zan'kahll, I have to go!” he paniced.

J'kai ran as fast as he could to the clan. When he got there, the newly installed wooden gate was gone! He ran faster into the village, which was in the center of a ring of trees. What he saw he would never forget. The houses were burning, and the shops were on fire, as well as the fire stations and hospitals. He stood there watching the horror. After the blaze, he looked for any survivers. The only place that wasn't destroyed was the Clan Council buildings, for they were built to survive blazes. He entered the Knowledge Center, and read, hoping for useful information in the books. A few hours later, he left the village in tears. He went to his secret spot in the forest, it was a little cave covered in moss and vines, making it almost completely invisible. He sat there crying in the dark.

“Who or would do that? Why do such a terrible thing? Did our village do anything wrong to whomever did this?” he kept asking himself. “My life will never be the same without my village.” he cried, as he held a fire-proof, water-proof portfolio that contained all the information he could find that was important to his people.

Here are some pictures on Zan'khall:
http://www.maj.com/gallery/YT/Pokemon/Pokemon/Story/UnfortunateTales/zankhall-fall.png
http://www.maj.com/gallery/YT/Pokemon/Pokemon/Story/UnfortunateTales/zankhall-spring.png
http://www.maj.com/gallery/YT/Pokemon/Pokemon/Story/UnfortunateTales/zankhall-summer.png
http://www.maj.com/gallery/YT/Pokemon/Pokemon/Story/UnfortunateTales/zankhall-winter.png

Zan'khall changes color depending on the season.

Edit 4: Here's a picture of Sha'kii:
http://www.maj.com/gallery/YT/Pokemon/Pokemon/Story/UnfortunateTales/shakii.png

mindripper
2nd December 2005, 10:42 PM
Here to return the favour. Erm, I think you have some flaws in your work. I do not think that you should end the chapter without really explaining anything to us, like what your characters look like, where they live, etc. For example, you talk about "elders", but never clearly state what an elder would be, and what it would entail etc.

There seems to be some kind of conference as well, but we never understand what it is actually for. Is it to discuss your characters inclusion into the council or something? You should make this clear.

Otherwise, it was an ok work. It was not outstanding, but you can improve, and make further chappies a better read.

Mud the Ivysaur
3rd December 2005, 1:16 AM
Here to return the favour. Erm, I think you have some flaws in your work. I do not think that you should end the chapter without really explaining anything to us, like what your characters look like, where they live, etc. For example, you talk about "elders", but never clearly state what an elder would be, and what it would entail etc.

There seems to be some kind of conference as well, but we never understand what it is actually for. Is it to discuss your characters inclusion into the council or something? You should make this clear.

Otherwise, it was an ok work. It was not outstanding, but you can improve, and make further chappies a better read.

Mindripper, an Elder is a very smart member of the clan that J'kai lives in. Most of the Elders are Sceptile. J'kai was a very smart member of the clan, so smart that he was the first Grovyle to become an Elder in over 20 years (The other Elder that was a Grovyle when added to the Clan Council is now a Sceptile and is still a Elder(Maq'khan was the other.)). The Elders are like the government of the clan. The conference that J'kai is called to is asking if he will change jobs from being a gate guard to become a Elder of the Clan Council. The clan of the Grass Hoenn starters is first in a field with quite a few trees inside a wall of rocks, which is in the Ferno Forest, on the small region called Alyurbse (pronunced All-yeur-byss). Then they moved to a part of the forest with the new city surrounded by a ring of trees, and made a new gate made of logs. J'kai is all different shades of green, and he has blue eyes. I hope this explains a lot of the story. Look in my 3rd post for pictures of some of the characters.