1st December 2005, 9:26 PM
Hello, and welcome to my fic. Be warned, it may contain violence, sexual references, swearing, cannibalisim, torture, and an irritating Voltorb, butn ot just yet, so right now it's a PG-13.
Chapter one: Giovanni
1st December 2005, 9:27 PM
Chapter one: Giovanni “Don’t worry, everything is going according to plan” the man in the velvet suit said calmly. Jack’s palms were sweating. The man made him very nervous. He commanded such power, and although both of them were on the same side, the man gave Jack the feeling they were enemies.
“You know, we’re the very first organisation to attempt something even remotely like this. So, now that we have a base of thirty members here in Viridian, perhaps you should think of a name?” the man said. He turned round, and his eyes pierced into Jack like daggers. He felt like he was on trial. Any moment, he felt he could be killed.
“Erm, well, I can’t try and, err, think of a name on the spot…sir” Jack stuttered.
“What’s your name?” the man said, and he smiled.
“You, err, you know my name sir…” Jack said nervously.
“Oh, just, repeat it for me, will you?” the man asked.
“My name is…Jack, sir” Jack said, and gulped.
“Wrong! Since joining our organisation you have agreed to take on the codename #009! I don’t like you Jack, you haven’t got the virtues I need...quick thinking, a good memory…an adequate amount of intelligence, and respect. You don’t respect me, do you #009?” Now Jack was scared. The man walked right up to him and stared at him.
“Of…of course I r-r-respect you, sir” Jack said.
“No, #009, you fear me. Ever since you put your name down for this organisation you’ve done my bidding out of pure fear. If you had the courage you’d of walked out after the first day. But you’re a coward, #009. I would have expected a fellow European to be slightly more courageous. Now, #009, one more question. What is Europe?” the man said.
“You know what Europe is, Mr. Giovanni, sir…” Jack said, hoping that statement should the courage that Giovanni was now looking for.
“Oh, do tell me again, won’t you?” Giovanni said slyly.
“Europe is a…a series of islands located off of the coast of Revatican…some of which include F…France, Italy, and G-Germany” Jack said, wishing more then anything that he was filing a report or pretending to be a worker at the Pokemon centre.
“All worthless facts, #009, all worthless facts, to me Europe is the centre of the world, and the only place free of that damn Pokè-contract, where Pokemon can be raised in ways that the rest of the world considers…wrong, where Pokemon can be used to gain money for the dominant species of this Earth…us humans. You know why I was kicked out of Europe, #009?” Giovanni questioned.
“N-no sir…” Jack said.
“I was kicked out because these people here framed me for stealing Pokèmon! A crime I did not commit! And now I’m legally restrained from entering Europe…”
“V-very sad story sir…” Jack mumbled.
“Yes, well it’s going to lead to one of the greatest revelations in history. We shall destroy the Pokè-contact, the most valuable thing known to Pokemon and Pokemon trainers! Without the contract, the ways of Europe can spread all over the world! And we may earn a little profit along the way. But you, #009, have none of the virtues we need. This is why; I need to…dispose of you. Goodbye, #009, say hello to Dewgong for me, won’t you?” Giovanni smiled, and pressed a button. The entire floor just suddenly disappeared, and momentarily Giovanni saw a large containment area, with a pool in the corner and a machine dispensing very cold air conditioning. Jack fell into this area, and he saw a large white creature, with no arms or legs, just flippers and a tail. As the floor closed, Giovanni heard his last words in his native tongue.
“Ich werde Sie, Giovanni verdammen! Sie sind ein übel, übel person!”
“Übel…yes, that’s a nice name. Yes, I think we’ll be called team Übel. I’ll announce that in the meeting tonight…” Giovanni muttered to himself.
“NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he heard Jack scream, as a blast of the coldest stuff on earth hit him. Giovanni smiled. Everything was going accord to plan…
Toaster Man 5.6
1st December 2005, 9:50 PM
Red is sort of hard to read. Do you think you could change it?
It probably should be a bit longer, but that's just me.
1st December 2005, 10:14 PM
Red of color, size of one,
Make it black, and then it's fun.
Seriously though, it looks very short. There was honestly no need to make the first post and then the story in the next post, which just so happened to look scripty. Double space for paragraphing, trust me.
1st December 2005, 10:17 PM
Using colors while writing is greatly frowned upon and is also against the rules I think. Also, don't use such small font, Red, plus small, makes it hard as ever to read. And I like not having my eyes scream pain at me. They scream death from bad fics as it is.
Too short, no description, no character development from what I can see, no description of characters, little to no plot, from what I skimmed as I said the red kills my eyes and lowers any respect you're gonna get from me. Scripty, no structure at all, just a hunk of colorised miniature text. And the first post is supposed to have a prolouge or a chapter, not be a useless introduction that could have been done in the same post as a chapter.
And now I happily report your rule breaking fic.
Have a nice day.
1st December 2005, 10:22 PM
I think I just became blind.
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