View Full Version : The Start of Chaos

Togepi Tournament Champ
3rd December 2005, 4:48 AM
This is a Fan-Fiction based off the Delta Species Pokemon. It takes place during the time when Ash, Brock, May, and Max [Wally was in Vitory road, batlling a Medichan]. This is rated PG-13 for Language, violince, and blood.

Ash, who was wearing an emerald colored shirt and an official Pokemon League Compettitor badge was battling Drake. Max who wore blue, silver, and saphire colored shirt was watching the battle. Brock, whom wore all black, was in Wallace`s room, helping in a two-on-two battle with Archie, who had teamed up with Mask of Ice to steal Wallace`s Pokemon. May, dressed in green an purple, was battling Miror B., who wore purple, orange, and green, with the winner getting to battle Suicune. As the chaos rose, in a different part of the world, something worse was happening. At Holon Tower in the Reigion Divider, where Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Orre meet, a great battle was going on. After many rsearchers in Holon Tower finished their experriment on a Mew, so it would be silver colored, a researcher heard a crash. Alerted, they ran to see what happened. The silver Mew quickly eascaped. A Mewtwo with a blue aura had broken in. This Mewtwo was odd, however, for it was a Fire/Steel type. "Code name Delta Mewtwo!" yelled a researcher. The odd Mewtwo used Delta blast. "Silver Mew, come battle for us!" yelled the same researcher. "Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew." said the silver Mew. Translation:"Why the heck would I help you after all the torture you put me through? Kick their buts, Mewtwo!" Mewtwo used Delta Kill to well, kill them all. Mewtwo collected the blood of them all. Silver Mew and a normal Mew were watching. "Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew?" said the normal Mew. Translation: "Shall we go to Faraway Island?." "Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew Mew," said the Silver Mew. Translation: " Stole the words right ou of my mouth." Back at the Pokemon League, Ash and Drake were down to Pikachu vs. Salamence. Al of a sudden, the door slammed shut, and a broken electrecal outlit maid it to dangerous to battle. Drake`s Pokemon H.Q. Connector received a signal. It was Lance. He explained that the league`s doors were shut, and no one could enter. "Same her," responded Drake. Then the signal was three way. It was Red, the master of Kanto, reported the same thing. "What`s happening to our Leagues?" said Drake. Their signals recieved communication from Nascour, who became the champion of Orre. "The mustard is all gone!" complained Nascour. "Well then find some more freakin mustard!" said Red, who was rivas with Nascour. The signal was then broken. Back at Holon Tower, Mewtwo commanded the other Delta Species Pokemon to go in to the other regions by sea, flight, and boat. Mewtwo first went to Prof. Elm`s lab. Meanwhile, Mew and silver Mew finally got to Faraway Island. First they told a blue Mew what happened, and he joined him. Then they told a purple Mew, who joined them. They all told a Japanese Mew, who looked like a normal Mew, a crytal Mew, a gold Mew, a yellow Mew, a green Mew, a red Mew, a ruby Mew, a saphire Mew, an emerald mew, Fire Mew, Grass Mew, Water Mew, and the Mew Island Squad. They all joined and made a plan. "The red, blue, green, and yellow Mews will go to Kanto. The gold and crystal Mew will go to Johto. The ruby, saphire, and emerald mew would go to Hoenn. The Mew Island Squad will go to the Battle Frontier. Fire Mew will go to Birth Island. Water Mew will go to Southern Island. Grass Mew will go to Navel Rock. Japanese Mew, you`ll go check Holon Tower for any survivers. Purple Mew, you gaurd this Island. Silver Mew and I will go to Johto," said Mew, "Your mission is simple: protect your area!" And so they went. In the Battle Frontier`s Battle Pyramaid, a Challenger battled Pyramaid King Brandon. One by on his Regirock, Regice, and Registeel were sealed away in their tombs and caves. As you may have already guessed, the challenger was Rukario.

What`s going to happen to Ash and co.? What will be Mewtwo`s next attack? What`s Rukario`s role? To be continued in The First Strike.

3rd December 2005, 4:53 AM
Lack of space and paragraph,
Not a page, not even half.

As we can see here, this is bad! Undescriptive, unorganized, and just plain awful. The first thing you could do would be to paragraph your work. Type it up in a word processor, you lazy shlub! Get back here when you're serious about writing. Seriously.

Yami Ryu
3rd December 2005, 4:56 AM
First off;

Read the Rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors stickies.

They will help you go from making stuff that causes eyes to bleed, to something more understandable.

Now, when you fix that problem, maybe you'll get more reviewers untill then, this is a poorly written, thought out script fic. There's little, to no description, you filled it with squashed dialouge and translations, why the hell were Mew and Mewtwo cloned into Delta Species, how did the researchers get their genetic codes to even do that? How were the pokemon made into Delta Species, and etc etc etc. I'm sorry but this is so evil to my eyes I'm not gonna force myself to read the **** stacked up, all I'm gonna say is you have little in the ways of anything for a chapter requirment, let alone something for a fic.

Pinecone Tortoise
3rd December 2005, 9:34 AM
It's already been said - Spellcheckers and paragraphs are your FRIENDS. People have a tendency to be turned off by and look down on writing that doesn't look professional. It's great if you have ideas, but if you can't convey them in a format that's accepted, you're going to have a hard time getting readership.

I'd also add that what the characters are wearing pales into insignificance when they're in the middle of such intense battles. To state that 'XXX, wearing yyy, was battling *insert important person here*' just looks like token descriptiong. Appearance is secondary to action, thought and emotion.

Perhaps it's just because I've never been a hard-core Mew fan, but having different coloured Mews streaming around the place seems a little cheap. Mews are incredibly powerful, rare pokemon and, in my opinion at least, should not be thrown into a fic in vast numbers without good reason. The same goes for all Legendaries, like the Regis and Rukario.

Ah well, don't let people discourage you. Keep writing. It'll be interesting to see what comes next! ^^


Togepi Tournament Champ
3rd December 2005, 5:50 PM
The only reason that the reason for Mewtwo`s attack wasn`t in this part of the story is because it go`s along with chapter 2. Chapter 2 is all about Mewtwo and Rukario.

3rd December 2005, 6:03 PM
Just make sure you listen to the critics.

Togepi Tournament Champ
3rd December 2005, 9:38 PM
It is Here! The First Strike!!! Chapter 2!! And I used Spell Chaeck!! The only thing it said wrong were Pokemon names Hope you enjoy it

3rd December 2005, 11:04 PM
Ahem, where is it? Seriously, post up the chapters when you say you do. -_-

Togepi Tournament Champ
3rd December 2005, 11:10 PM
It`s up there. Or am I the only one who can see it? It has five stars. O.K. I wanted people to start reading it so I gave it five stars

Yami Ryu
3rd December 2005, 11:41 PM
It`s up there. Or am I the only one who can see it? It has five stars. O.K. I wanted people to start reading it so I gave it five stars

You don't see it because rule breaker here just admited to breaking another rule. Posting chapters in seperate threads instead of keeping the chapters in the same thread.

Togepi Tournament Champ
4th December 2005, 1:52 AM
Doh!!!!!!!! Originaly from Homer Simpson.