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eagle-kyogre
3rd December 2005, 6:49 PM
Legendary's Curse
Prologue:
One peaceful day Kyogre was happily munching on some apples he found floating near shore.He was happily swimming when he saw a swellow with a message as the messager swellow dropped the message the swellow said 'Its a important' and the message left.As Kyogre looked at the message it said 'To all legendary's came to the Sky Pillar we need to have an very important meeting From Rayquaza'.He immediately swam to the Sky Pillar.

At the Sky Pillar every other Legendary was there waiting for Kyogre to arrive.

Kyogre is headind to the Sky Pillar.When he got there everyone had a serious face Rayquaza said '' We need your help Kyogre'' and Groudon said''Do you remember the earthquakes 3 years ago '' then Suicune said ''The earth's crust and mantle has a crack and groudon can not hold it much longer I have made six crystal spheres and you need to throw the at the cracks'' then Kyogre dived in the deep sea everyone waited for Kyogre.And Kyogre threw already threw five crystals in the cracks he threw the last one but an explosion hit Kyogre he was knocked unconsious.In the surface they are all worried.They all searched for 3 weeks and they stopped.

3 Months later
A teenager with white hair wearing a balck T-shirt ,black jooging pants and a green sweat band with a pokemon league sign in a truck and the truck hit a bump and a box of pokemon books falls on his head and 2 hours later there in Pallet town.The boy's name is Eagle he jumps out and his mother tells him to go to his room.He fixes the clock and go outside he go to his neighbors house.He see's a pokeball on the floor and he meets a girl named May.

She is dressed in a red T-shirt ,black shorts and a green bandana.May said,Are you a theif!.
Eagle says,I'm your new neighbor the May said,Sorry My name is May and Eagle said I'm Eagle.

If it's short Please tell me.

Dilasc
3rd December 2005, 6:52 PM
Way too short, that is a curse,
but there are things that are much worse.

Seriously, type out your numbers, don't use 3. Did you type this up in the reply box? It's very rushed, grammatically unkempt, and there's spacing problems.

Meganium Ex
3rd December 2005, 6:54 PM
Legendary's Curse
Prologue:
One peaceful day Kyogre was happily munching on some apples he found floating near shore.He was happily swimming when he saw a swellow with a message as the messager swellow dropped the message the swellow said 'Its a important' and the message left.As Kyogre looked at the message it said 'To all legendary's came to the Sky Pillar we need to have an very important meeting From Rayquaza'.He immediately swam to the Sky Pillar.

At the Sky Pillar every other Legendary was there waiting for Kyogre to arrive.

Kyogre is headind to the Sky Pillar.When he got there everyone had a serious face Rayquaza said '' We need your help Kyogre'' and Groudon said''Do you remember the earthquakes 3 years ago '' then Suicune said ''The earth's crust and mantle has a crack and groudon can not hold it much longer I have made six crystal spheres and you need to throw the at the cracks'' then Kyogre dived in the deep sea everyone waited for Kyogre.And Kyogre threw already threw five crystals in the cracks he threw the last one but an explosion hit Kyogre he was knocked unconsious.In the surface they are all worried.They all searched for 3 weeks and they stopped.

3 Months later
A teenager with white hair wearing a balck T-shirt ,black jooging pants and a green sweat band with a pokemon league sign in a truck and the truck hit a bump and a box of pokemon books falls on his head and 2 hours later there in Pallet town.The boy's name is Eagle he jumps out and his mother tells him to go to his room.He fixes the clock and go outside he go to his neighbors house.He see's a pokeball on the floor and he meets a girl named May.

She is dressed in a red T-shirt ,black shorts and a green bandana.May said,Are you a theif!.
Eagle says,I'm your new neighbor the May said,Sorry My name is May and Eagle said I'm Eagle.

If it's short Please tell me.
It's better then before for sure ^^

It just needs a little more lengh, and it'll be good :)

eagle-kyogre
3rd December 2005, 6:55 PM
Sorry The Curse will be later I think about 3 more chapters

Kamia_Jay
4th December 2005, 11:53 PM
Not to be rude but this is really bad, and I will tell you why it is bad. ^^ * coughs into hand and starts to speak. It has no originality whatsoever on the" Three Months later part" I could just restart my game to go through that and also you don't describe anything! I mean you just go here and there and bounce everywhere! Also grammar and spelling errors throughout the story. I suggest you go through this and rewrite it and actually make it better.

~Good Day

eagle-kyogre
5th December 2005, 9:11 AM
The new chapter will be better It will be On friday or saturday

mindripper
5th December 2005, 10:12 PM
Eagle_Kyogre, you must firstly listen to others' advice. Now, let me list a few things you need to take note of.


One peaceful day Kyogre was happily munching on some apples he found floating near shore.

Erm, I am not sure this is the right way to start off. Kyogre is supposed to be an uber legendary, and should be made to look like one. It is hard to imagine it "happily munching on some apples", because that is not the image I would associate with it.


When he got there everyone had a serious face Rayquaza said '' We need your help Kyogre'' and Groudon said''Do you remember the earthquakes 3 years ago '' then Suicune said ''The earth's crust and mantle has a crack and groudon can not hold it much longer I have made six crystal spheres and you need to throw the at the cracks'' then Kyogre dived in the deep sea everyone waited for Kyogre.And Kyogre threw already threw five crystals in the cracks he threw the last one but an explosion hit Kyogre he was knocked unconsious.

This is really a bad example of punctuation. You need a few commas in there. Also, you can try to make everything flow a little more. Everything seems a little choppy.

As someone has stated, never use short forms for anything. Always spell out numbers. Also, try to make your premise a little more believable, and do add some description. Everything just seems to be there, without a clear reason why or how they look like.

Ultimately, it is your choice as to what you want to do with the rest of the fic. Do a spellcheck, and make everything longer. I really do hope to see improvement in the next chapter.

Pinecone Tortoise
6th December 2005, 3:31 AM
I didn't know that Kyogres ate apples. Especially not with teeth like those. And for something so big, surely apples wouldn't be more than a gulp? Also, using the word 'happily' in consecutive sentences is not the best idea. People think you have a bad vocabulary or something. Show them they're wrong!

As others have said, the length needs work, so I won't harp on about it. I will mention, however, that you should separate speech from the rest of the text.

"I'm sure I just said this to another writer," drawled the reviewer.

And that being demonstrated, the review moved on to new and greater topics. Originality for one. Some people (me, for one) don't like to see fics based on the games. It's fine, I suppose as a source of inspiration, but to see it typed up as a story with less variation than the game allows gets tedious. I'm fairly sure you're not going to stick straight to the game - not with a legendary side story like that! - but please try to maintain the balance between sending your fic down the 'uber' path and keeping it glued to the game. Readers often get sick of legendaries, so you might want to try to use a few less popular pokemon for the trainers.

Oh, well, good luck and keep writing!

Piney.
;204;;324;

Guitar dude bill
7th December 2005, 7:52 PM
Okay. I'll give you a pretty blunt review. So no offense but this fic is the worse fic ever. No offense. In fact it is so bad if it stays this bad it could get deleted. Soooooo little grammar and spelling corrections. Soooooo rushed. You just hop, hop, hop from things to other things with out even staying on one thing for half a line. In fact so rushed It's really difficult to know the current situation, I just imagine eagle jumping on and off because it's so rushed. Little spacings. Very lacking in description. All you described was may and eagle. And even that description was bad and rushed. Also little of it. No atmosphere created. Also one part was like. Groudon said this then Suicine said that and then Rayquaza did. Full of unnecessary dialogue. It's like your giving out instructions. Only use dialogue (speech) if it slightly moves the story. I don't get the plot. Is it somethin' like "Groudon can't control the mantle or somethin' and one boy must put in the last crystal to save us"? Sounds like pokemon 2000 to me. All you've really done is put two chapters together and expected to get good reviews.

Okay I showed you why your fic was so bad. Now how you could improve
Do it on word first. Then copy and paste it into the post box.
Don't ignore word. If it's pointing a spelling or grammar mistake don't ignore it.
Do way more description. Describe the pokemon and the enviroment. Just because we already know what they look like doesn't mean you don't have to describe them.
When your describing them. Don't do it all at once. Try doing it using actions like "Eagle stroked his white hair and touched his red t-shirt. His blue eyes stared at his shirt" like it?
Only use dialogue if it slightly moves the story. Otherwise it's just wasting space.
Take it slow. Do like. "Eagle cautiosly walked out the truck, He looked around. There was grass everywhere. 'Come back in Eagle.' And Eagle went back in. E.G. That wouldn't be very rushed. Description and action reduces the amount of it being rushed
Try making all the events that happen in the story original. Otherwise this will stay unoriginal.

So I hope I've cleared up everything. Just try using mine and everyone else's advice to improve. Hopefully you'll improve.
PS: Don't say I'm flaming because I'm just trying to help you improve. Have a nice day:D

eagle-kyogre
13th December 2005, 3:59 PM
I having writers block and I have exams until the end of the week so I'm having trouble So Sorry

pisces_beedrill
13th December 2005, 4:07 PM
okay, that was the stuff a 5 year old writes. then, then, then, then. the description is good. but this the the line i find most stupid:
One peaceful day Kyogre was happily munching on some apples he found floating near shore.He was happily swimming

sorry for being so harsh. but i am an honest person

eagle-kyogre
16th December 2005, 9:59 AM
I it's ok I'm going to Edit some of the parts

Guitar dude bill
16th December 2005, 7:10 PM
Don't edit it. Just improve in the next chapter. Keep writing. Remember to put in more effort and time. I'm sure you can write alot better than this. You are twelve after all.