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Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
7th December 2005, 7:18 AM
No, you guys aren't dreaming, and no, this isn't me saying something that won't be happening. I have finally got my rear into gear (with a little help from Serpent Syra - thanks for the great compliment), and starting revising my prize fic, Shadowheart Vendetta.

For those who read it the first time round, expect quite a few changes. For example, I've torn the first chapter up... not literally, but anyway. I've taken the first part of it, and fleshed it out, and used it as a Prologue. And that's what you guys get to see.

So, check it out, and feel free to be harsh. If I need to improve, then so be it. Enjoy!


Shadowheart Vendetta
Prologue – Unveiled Dusk

She sat in utter darkness, her thoughts concentrated solely on the events soon to unfold at her wishes. She ran her hand through her long, snow-white hair, and her violet eyes were almost invisible in the darkness of the room in which she rested.

Patiently she waited, still as death, the only sign of life her slow breathing. She had learnt from previous experience that patience was a virtue she sorely lacked, and it was taking all her effort to wait. She drummed her slender fingers on the arm of her chair, the sound echoing through the otherwise empty room.

Soft footsteps approached, and a smile danced upon her lips. The darkness was broken by a curtain of sunlight encroaching on its boundaries as the door slid open. Her back faced the door, but she could envision the man who now knelt there, whimpering on his knees. His blue eyes would be filled with fear and adoration as he gazed upon her, although they were somewhat veiled by his untidy fringe of black, matted hair.

His voice pierced the still darkness that surrounded her, the sunlight cast down by the shadows. “My lady,” he whispered, his voice filled with reverence, but also with fear. She knew then, that he was going to tell her something she wasn’t going to like.

She rose slowly from her seat, a loud crack echoing through the room as her knees groaned under the strain of movement after a lengthy period of dormancy. “What it is, Simon? This would want to be important, or I won’t be happy.” She whirled around to face him, her velvet black cloak whistling through the darkness.

Simon raised his head, squinting at the darkness from which she addressed him. Try as he might, he could make out nothing more than a pair of sinister eyes, almost invisible in the shadows. He rose slowly to his feet, and addressed her. “As per your request, my lady, the Shadowheart Vendetta is about to begin…”

His drawling voice was more than she could handle, and her patience ebbed away, her temper unveiled beneath its waves. “I understand that part, Simon. Now, brief me on the tournament status,” she snapped at him. “How many trainers do we have? How many arenas?”

He flinched, stepping back and returning to his bowing position. “Yes, my lady. As you requested, we have scoured Johto in search of powerful trainers, and issued invitations to famous trainers from Kanto and Hoenn. I am pleased to inform you that we have managed to gather the five hundred trainers that you requested.”

She allowed herself some small satisfaction, but that waned instantly as Simon paused. “And the arenas?” she snapped.

“We have managed to procure the four arena types you specified, the grass, rock, ice and water arenas. However, we were only able to acquire and relocate two of each of those arenas, rather than the four you requested…” he faded out as she stomped her foot in rage.

“How do you suppose that five hundred trainers are going to each have five battles with only eight arenas? The first round itself will consist of two hundred and fifty matches! Do you know how long that will take with only eight arenas?” she practically screamed at him.

She crossed her arms across her chest, and began pacing. Simon looked up at her, and noticed she had stepped into the light. His gaze swept along her snow-white hair as it shimmered in the sunlight, to her violet eyes, now cold and calculating as she tried to figure something out. His gaze now swept to her chest, where he couldn’t help but notice that her arms, folded under her chest, were propping up her breasts. She paced back and forward, and Simon became hypnotized, his eyes staring at her.

She turned around, an idea at mind, and found Simon staring at her chest, and was disgusted to see drool running out the side of his mouth. She shook her head, and stormed past. “Good help is so hard to find these days,” she muttered to herself.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She swept into the announcer’s booth, panting slightly. He may be somewhat awkward to be around, but she had to give Simon credit, he had done what she’d asked. Each of the eight arenas had been fitted with an announcer’s booth that was eight metres from the ground, where anyone in these booths would be safe from any wayward Pokemon attacks. A sequence of staircases led from the ground to the booth, concealed within a hollow concrete tower.

She stared down at the sea of humanity below them, watching them with a morbid curiosity. A living, breathing sea rested at the foot of the tower, writhing and ebbing as people moved around, trainers boasting to each other about their achievements and Pokemon. She sighed, and reached down to flick the switches to activate the boom microphone.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” she spoke, her voice magnified by the monstrous speakers resting at the base of the announcer’s booth. Silence swept over the crowd like a plague, and their heads craned skywards to look at her.

“As you all probably know, I am Karen, of the Johto Elite Four. I have gathered you all here, to participate in this tournament, so that all the world can see which of you truly deserves to be titled a Champion!”

Thunderous applause greeted her words, and she smiled. “Now, so you all know, the first five rounds of this tournament will be a round robin event. Each of you will participate in five matches. The results of these matches will determine your ranking in this tournament. At the end of the first five rounds, however, only two hundred and fifty six trainers will remain, so each of you should perform at your best if you wish to remain in the tournament.”

More applause greeted her, and she was getting tired of it. Without waiting for it to end, she continued. “The first round will begin tomorrow, so I expect to see you all ready to do your best. To find out whom you will be battling against, I suggest you visit the main lobby. You can find out all you need to know there.”

“Now, on a final note, I will also be competing in this tournament. Now, I wish you all the best of luck in the first round, except for the unfortunate person who ends up facing me.” The crowd laughed below, and she allowed herself a moment to enjoy her humour. “Tomorrow, the Shadowheart Vendetta will begin!”

Dilasc
7th December 2005, 7:26 AM
How long ago was this made, if I may ask? If a year ago, I don't quite remember it at all, I must admit with shame.

On to business though, it looks rather good, leaving me wondering how I missed it the first time around. I didn't notice any errors, but to make a final judgement, I'll probably need to see this in action.

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
7th December 2005, 7:41 AM
I started this in about June this year, I think. Not quite sure. I think the old thread might be still around.

Thank you for your review Dilasc. I can only hope everyone else enjoys it as well.

Joshua

Nagashi
7th December 2005, 6:07 PM
A very nice start, I must say... although there were a few choice words which I think could of been done without, and a few which should have been moved. But overall, I enjoyed it - a sense of foreboding could be felt when her last words to the crowd were spoken, so I have to give you credit for that. I await the next chapter with much anticipatiob.

Ryano Ra
7th December 2005, 11:46 PM
o.o

My goodness. A tournament fanfiction. MEOWNAGE.

I really liked it. The Shadowheart Vendetta tournament sounds very mysterious, which is definitely a good thing. Might I suggest you tune-up your description and look over for mistakes, as well as watching out for repitition. You seem to use some words over and over again, but that isn't too much of a problem for me, but it is a problem generally. So, just make sure to use synonyms. ^^ Other than that, I really enjoyed this preview! Fantastic job!

Skrusti
10th December 2005, 12:59 PM
As your official like uh..*shrugs* reviewer? You've sent me some first drafts of many chapters, and it looks awesome. I found no mistakes in spelling or grammer. Add on top of that you describe attacks most excellently, and you have one good story.

Well, its not just the attacks. You describe everything most excellently. Why you didn't show me this before I don't know >=O You are an excellent writer, and you need to continue with it. Hell, I think you could have a career in writing stories, and I can't wait for your Yugioh story debut.

*waits patiently for the revised chapter 1*

Torkoal Stu
10th December 2005, 1:28 PM
Good help is so hard to find these days
I found that bit so funny for some reason, lol.

Wow, when you said it was a rewrite, you really did rewrite alot of the storyline or I forgot the bit when she entered it herself. Well I loved the dscription and its a very nice and it has a certain flow to it which I find is good in fics, helps me pay attention. ^.^

As for the repitition I didn't really notice it but then again i'm not one for noticing things like that.

Well can't wait until its up.

ForeverFlygon
10th December 2005, 1:47 PM
So spelling or grammar mistakes. There goes my review out the window.
I like this, seems like something new, even though it's revised. I like Karen's personality, not everyone is cheery an loves every pokemon. I like that.
I see no plot so far (^^; ), but I have my suspicions. Or it'll just be a regular tournament. Which is bad either.

I will say no more about it however, as I only know sucky plots myself. I like it so far, even though I can barely call it far. I have read only a few other stories, and none of yours, and I'm not the one to say so, but this is good.

I think I might follow this story, if I'm able to find the time to do while while working on three projects of myown, and updating, and keeping up with FB, but I'll do my best. I'm looking forward to Chapter 1!

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
11th December 2005, 2:43 AM
OMT OMT! A 5 star rating! *glomps whoever gave it to him*

Now, for the fantastic people who reviewed for me, I bestow you all... A COOKIE!


A very nice start, I must say... although there were a few choice words which I think could of been done without, and a few which should have been moved. But overall, I enjoyed it - a sense of foreboding could be felt when her last words to the crowd were spoken, so I have to give you credit for that. I await the next chapter with much anticipatiob.

*bows* Why thank you. And I agree, I do get a tad repititious. The other 6 chapters that had been previously written are being torn apart to avoid that happening.


o.o

My goodness. A tournament fanfiction. MEOWNAGE.

I really liked it. The Shadowheart Vendetta tournament sounds very mysterious, which is definitely a good thing. Might I suggest you tune-up your description and look over for mistakes, as well as watching out for repitition. You seem to use some words over and over again, but that isn't too much of a problem for me, but it is a problem generally. So, just make sure to use synonyms. ^^ Other than that, I really enjoyed this preview! Fantastic job!

Meownage? Is that good?

I can think of no other response than thank you for such a great review. I shall endeavour to gather myself a thesaurus whilst I revise.


As your official like uh..*shrugs* reviewer? You've sent me some first drafts of many chapters, and it looks awesome. I found no mistakes in spelling or grammer. Add on top of that you describe attacks most excellently, and you have one good story.

Well, its not just the attacks. You describe everything most excellently. Why you didn't show me this before I don't know >=O You are an excellent writer, and you need to continue with it. Hell, I think you could have a career in writing stories, and I can't wait for your Yugioh story debut.

*waits patiently for the revised chapter 1*

*glomps you*

*melts* Remind me to get you to compliment me more often. I'm going to get this one up and running before I start the Yugioh one properly.

And, about Chapter 1. It's about halfway revised, and it's taking much longer than hoped. I still have hopes to get all 6 chapters revised before Christmas.



Good help is so hard to find these days

I found that bit so funny for some reason, lol.

Wow, when you said it was a rewrite, you really did rewrite alot of the storyline or I forgot the bit when she entered it herself. Well I loved the dscription and its a very nice and it has a certain flow to it which I find is good in fics, helps me pay attention. ^.^

As for the repitition I didn't really notice it but then again i'm not one for noticing things like that.

Well can't wait until its up.

To be more precise, I tore the beginning of the first chapter from it, and rewrote it into this prologue. I'm proud of it, as it's about 10 times better than the original intro, which had so many glaring omissions I just wanted to scream.

Thank you for the review Stu, and send me a line when you get your fic up and running.


So spelling or grammar mistakes. There goes my review out the window.
I like this, seems like something new, even though it's revised. I like Karen's personality, not everyone is cheery an loves every pokemon. I like that.
I see no plot so far (^^; ), but I have my suspicions. Or it'll just be a regular tournament. Which is bad either.

I will say no more about it however, as I only know sucky plots myself. I like it so far, even though I can barely call it far. I have read only a few other stories, and none of yours, and I'm not the one to say so, but this is good.

I think I might follow this story, if I'm able to find the time to do while while working on three projects of myown, and updating, and keeping up with FB, but I'll do my best. I'm looking forward to Chapter 1!

Plot is currently under much scrutiny and revision, but the major part will remain a mystery until the round robin is done... *shushes self*

I'm glad she actually has a personality this time. Last time, I just made her seem entirely evil, but I have some fantastic scenes in mind for her later on. Think ballroom and romantic music... *shushes self again*

Joshua

Ryano Ra
11th December 2005, 3:34 AM
Yes, my friend, MEOWNAGE means you have satisfied me greatly or, in general terms, just an expression that whatever I say next is something I enjoyed writing. I know, how lame. --;

Yes, a thesaurus comes in great handy, and I hope you use it very well. But, seeing as great of an author you are, I believe you'll find perfect words to replace the others to lower the repititon percentage. (trust me, I get a bit repititive with some words I like, such as roar, shriek, cry, screech, scream, words of loud voices...^^...so don't feel so bad).

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
11th December 2005, 3:38 AM
Yes, my friend, MEOWNAGE means you have satisfied me greatly or, in general terms, just an expression that whatever I say next is something I enjoyed writing. I know, how lame. --;

Yes, a thesaurus comes in great handy, and I hope you use it very well. But, seeing as great of an author you are, I believe you'll find perfect words to replace the others to lower the repititon percentage. (trust me, I get a bit repititive with some words I like, such as roar, shriek, cry, screech, scream, words of loud voices...^^...so don't feel so bad).

*glomps* It isn't lame at all.

*blushes* You seem to know how to make a person feel good about their work. I've been looking through Chapters 1 and 2, and I now have a burning desire to shoot pronouns. I have put the words 'he' and 'his' in the same paragraph about 12 times. o0

Joshua

Arc_Angel
11th December 2005, 12:57 PM
Like FF said no spelling or grammer mistakes. Its very well written and has the suspense factor that makes you beg to read more. Very good hon. I read your old fic and thought it was fanatastic. I expect great things from you.

Can't wait to read more.

ForeverFlygon
11th December 2005, 2:40 PM
I have put the words 'he' and 'his' in the same paragraph about 12 times. o0Still not as good as me, I started 8 paragrapsh with 'He' ^^;;;

I like suspense fics, and this looks very promising indeed, and I kinda like what you said about her having a personality, and I know very well I shouldn't post this, just had to.

*Sits in a corner and waits for chapter 1*

*...And prepares to dodge and glomping people heading in his direction*

Radical Edward
11th December 2005, 4:12 PM
Well not much I can say without repeating whats already been said already. Great job and I can't wait for the next chappie!I never new you were this talented a writer. MEOWNAGE!

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
17th December 2005, 8:07 AM
Now that I've finished melting from all these beautiful compliments, I have some news for everyone.

The fic will officially commence on Christmas Day my time, as a Christmas present to you all. Chapters 1 and 2 are almost done (just need to type them up), and Chapter 3 is almost complete.

Now, I am creating a small PM list, for all those who would like me to PM them when the thread is created, with a link to it.

Once again, thank you all so much.

Joshua

Kiyohime
17th December 2005, 9:34 AM
WOOF! ADD ME! XD If you want a banner, I'm your (wo)man! *salutes*

I can't wait. o.o Though I won't be around when it comes out. D:

Furizaa
19th December 2005, 5:24 AM
*signs up* This is gonna be so awesome, Joshua! 8D 'Never been this excited about a fic before XD

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
19th December 2005, 6:40 AM
Official list of people being PMed upon thread creation (thus far):
Scrap
Furizaa
Skru-Chan
Ushi No Tane
Arc_Angel
Sai
P-Arts
Torkoal Stu
Nylf
Saffire Persian
Lonely Wanderer
Typhlosion X
ForeverFlygon

Joshua

Arc_Angel
19th December 2005, 11:56 AM
May I be added to it too please Joshua luvvie? ^-^

Waterlight
19th December 2005, 12:27 PM
Ooh, can I be added too Joshua?

Torkoal Stu
19th December 2005, 7:53 PM
I read the old one, so I might aswell give the new one a shot. You can add me to that list mate ^.^

Nylf
19th December 2005, 8:08 PM
I was worried this was gone forever. I'm sure I reviewed the old one at least twice, and I was sure there was nothing to improve. But you proved me wron and made a great fic fantastic. Sign me up for the PM list. If you can't remember it's Shiny Flygon. Name changes are confusing....

Saffire Persian
21st December 2005, 4:19 AM
Looks good. ^^ Add me, too.

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
21st December 2005, 4:22 AM
Wahoo! Ten people on my list! This is turning out to be great!

Everyone who has asked to be added to the list has been, and thank you to everyone who is on the list, or has replied in this thread.

Joshua

Saffire Persian
21st December 2005, 4:44 AM
Hmm.. Question, could you give me a brief summary of what this story's about, I read the preview.. but I'm still curious. ^^

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier
21st December 2005, 5:43 AM
Hmm.. Question, could you give me a brief summary of what this story's about, I read the preview.. but I'm still curious. ^^

Hmm... *tries to summarise without giving too much away*

Well, you'll meet up with some of the other major characters later, but to quickly sum it up, it's one of those 'tournament to see who's the best' fics, with a few twists and turns along the way.

Joshua

Typhlosion X
21st December 2005, 4:54 PM
Add me!Add me!
The prolouge is good (even though I skimmed through)

Rikku.
24th December 2005, 11:25 AM
I'd most certainly like to be added, Josh ^^