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Tabs The Omnipotent Hamster
18th December 2005, 7:20 AM
i want to write a non-pokemon fic called 'the adventures of murky and neon'
i also want to publish it into a book as well. tell me what you think of it:

Chapter 1
One supernatural freak show

“Oh great, I have nothing to wear.” A purple haired girl said. She lived in a small house. Her name was murky. She was modest and kind. She found an old shirt and went out of her room and went to the
Breakfast table. “Hey, can you get the mail?” murkys dad said. “Okay.” Murky said as she was opening the door. Walking hastily to the mail, she opened it up. “Bills, junk, hey there’s a letter for me!” she opened it. Here is what it said:

Dear murky,
It seems I have found something about you that do not know yourself. A source I cannot speak of has found that you have some magical power, far greater then me or them. This may seem like a lie, but it is true. I have sent your ‘friend’ the same letter, with HIS name, of course.

Anonymous

Murky was really freaked out after reading it. “I’ll have to see if it is true.” She said. Looking at the mailbox, murky started to focus. The mailbox slowly lifted itself up. “Ohh…. nice…” murky said. “So, you got that letter, too?” a boy next door said. His name was neon. He was murky’s best friend. He was the exact opposite of murky. He was very happy-go-lucky and rude. Neon absolutely loved hamburgers. “Yep,” murky said.
‘Well, if it’s true, I will be happy.” Neon said. “Yes, it’s true.” Murky said.
“YAHOOOOOOOOO! HAMBURGERS! I, LL GET ALL THE HAMBURGERS IN THE WORLD! YAHOOOHOOHOO!!!” neon screamed.
“Okay, no need to get hyped up.” Murky said. “Oh no, I see trouble.” Neon said.
The school principal arrived and said: “You are late! You know what happens to late kids.” “No, we don’t.” neon said. The principal’s skin turned red. “GROOORRRRRRRRRR!” ‘It’ roared. Neon’s fist glowed. Then he violently punched the principal. “I’ll help.” Murky said. She let out an energy ball at the principal. It screeched in pain as it fell to the ground, dead. “Yeah!” neon said. “Thanks.” Murky said. “Neon stared at the corpse of the principal. “I wonder if this guy is really dead.” Neon wondered. “I, am sure it is.” Murky replied. “Well, that was a bit weird, I wonder if anything else like this will happen.” Murky said. “I think we are soon to find out why.” Neon replied. “Look over there. Those cameramen are watching us. I think they saw it all.” Murky said in shock. “If they did!” neon said proudly. ““Oh, can you tell us how you did that? Please!?” a cameraman said. Murky grabbed neon’s hand and ran. “If you want to live, you will support my idea of fleeing.” Murky said. “*Gulp* yes.” Neon replied. He knew that murky knew what she was doing. But he thought he might as well see what she was planning. “We’ll hide in here.” Murky said, pointing to the bins.

remember, constructive critisim!

Angeling
18th December 2005, 7:28 AM
Ummm... what?? o_o; Lack of description, details, whatever.. and too straightforward. As some might say, don't just tell people how things look, but show them.. with details, but not too much.

For dialogue, you should separate each character .. dialogue, talking thing. And it's really hard to read with everything all together.. Try separating the ideas.. and it sounds so.. rushed together. If you know what I mean. >_>;

But um.. it sounds more like you want a non-Pokémon fanfiction with Pokémon-related ideas in there.. like that energy ball killing the principal. I so did not understand it.. Not too clear on the plot, or the idea of the story. What's the plot? Who are the characters? And so on.

And probably more, but I'm barely awake to make good judgement.... It's 2 AM, what did you expect? >_>

Beaniebabie
23rd December 2005, 3:03 AM
Cumon guyz! First attempt, I think that it is pretty good! It just needs more description and a wider vocabulary.

Winged_Wolf
23rd December 2005, 3:10 AM
It really needs more of a set-up. A random girl inheriting magic powers in the first few minutes is a little strange. Perhaps you should add a day before this, introducing Neon and her school. Maybe a little foreshadowing about her magic powers - unusually good in gym class, the strangest luck, etc. The final note - capitalization. My eye twitches when this is misused. It has potential - a few revisions and it could be a decent story.

Olyon
23rd December 2005, 12:41 PM
Cumon guyz! First attempt

It may be a first attempt, yeah, but why the hell should people go easier for that sole reason? He asked for critisism, no matter what his experience, people are going to critisize and tell him how to improve - the number of pieces he's written doesn't come into the matter.

It was poor, but not the worst thing I've seen. It reminds me a little of my little brother's pieces of writing when he was younger, and it seems you're the same age as him now, so it looks okay considering your age.

I think the biggest problem here is your eagerness. Your head is obviously bubbling with ideas, and you seem to enjoy the Dragonball Z type effect, what with the energy beams and such. This has lead ultimately to rushing the piece, you seem to have rushed it a lot, details are very few and far between and so many things are left unexplained.

When you want to write something like this, its easy to get caught up in your plot and rush on ahead to get to the 'good bits'. The thing is, you may know whats going on, as your little sister might, but that doesn't mean your readers do. You have to remember this is their first time reading this, and they ahve no idea of what's to come. If you don't explain things as you should, they'll lose interest, they won't want to continue reading because it all seems either too unexplained or too unreal.

So, for example, you began by diving straight into Murky's character and background, which is fine. It was easy to understand as the sentences were pretty much tiny and you moved immediately from one thing to another. Sure it told us a lot, but it feels like more of a list of details than an introduction to a character...

Try to lengthen it, actions are key, people like to read about people performing stuff. Try to blend that in, so for example 'As Murky reached for an old T-shirt (and perhaps even some form of leg clothing, seeing as you missed that out >>) she flicked her fair purple hair from her eyes as it began to stray forward." Just follow those kind of lines, not throughout, but when the moment seems right to add description.

You left a lot out, some random letter came and the next thing we know Murky's skipping a schoolday with her friend Neon (you also failed to capitalize the name a few times). Suddenly, their headteacher appears, when he should be doing his job within the school, and gives them a good, legal, telling off, nothing wrong with it. All of a sudden, the students kill their headteacher and some camera men suddenly appear, decided they'd film these random kids then get interested as to how they murdered this guy instead of calling the police.

Sure, you may have excuses for this, the law in that world may be different to the law in this, but you need to explain that, otherwise we'll link all unexplained things to our world to find the answer, which could be bad.

Basically, just work a lot harder, write more, explain a lot more, describe a lot more. I'll help more if you like, but I feel I've rambled for quite a while now, so see what you can do with the advice I've given you.

Hope I helped at least :D.

Elemental Charizam
23rd December 2005, 12:59 PM
Olyon has it right on the improvement front, so I'll just tell you a bit about getting published.

Ever since JK Rowling wrote her HP books, the amount of people who want to be authors has escalated hugely. In Britain alone, hundereds of thousands of manuscripts (or stories) are sent to publishers every year. Ones without an agent rarely get anywhere, because publishers want financially viable books.

Basically, you'd need to improvethis by massive amounts to get published... It'd take a lot of work, time and effort and there's every chance you'd fail in the end. Make sure you aren't JUST writing to get published; you should enjoy it as well.

As for the teacher dying... It needs to be somewhat plausible. Right now, it just sounds like a schoolboy fantasy of "Killing da evil tuchurs lolz!". If you really saw someone die in front of you at that age, then I doubt you'd really react like that. And if those two would, we need a very good reason. They sound like psychopaths right now, and they aren't really written in a way which you can identify with =/

Tabs The Omnipotent Hamster
23rd December 2005, 11:04 PM
ok..... i took your advice and improved. heres the new edition!

Chapter 1
One supernatural freak show

RING-RING-RING! BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Somewhere in the streets of topaz town, a very noisy alarm clock went off. “It’s seven o’clock….I’AM NOT GETTING OUT OF BED!!!” a purple haired girl said as she put a pillow on her face and grunted: “I should set it to eight….” The alarm clock shouted: “IT’S SEVEN O’CLOCK! GET OUT OF BED, LAZYBUTT!”
“Fine…I’m getting up…” she sighed and got out of bed. Her name was Murky. She hated her alarm clock very much because she had insomnia. (Murky developed it because the TV was so loud) “Hey Murky, could you get the mail please?” Murky’s dad said. Murky walked out the door to get the mail.
Meanwhile, a boy named Neon was dodging the cans and frying pans thrown at him by his little brother. “He he he! You’re scared of frying pans!” he taunted. “Oh yeah? Let’s see if you’re scared of this!” Neon said. He grabbed one of the frying pans and WHACK! He hit his little brother on the head, knocking him out. “That wasn’t very nice, Neon!”, his mum said. “But he was endangering my life!” Neon replied. “Don’t be rude! Go and get the mail like a good boy, His mum said. “And why should I do that when you treat me like a baby?” Neon snapped. “GO AND GET IT! NOW!”, his mum shouted. Neon walked out the door angrily. He got the mail out, looked over to his neighbour’s house, and saw Murky getting the mail too. He saw a letter addressed to him. He opened it. This is what it said:

Dear Neon,

You have been blessed! An unknown source of information has told me you have been born with a special gift: magical powers over the elements of light and darkness! Your friend Murky has also been born with powers over the elements of time and space.

Hoping you use your powers well,
Anonymous

*consult your magicee before using magic. If you get injured in the use of magic, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY.

“Is this true? One way to find out.” Neon said to himself. He closed his eyes and focused. Soon, he felt himself start to morph and change. He opened his eyes and WOOPIE! He was a china plate! “Cool! Now to change back.” He felt himself changing again, and he was Neon again.
He looked at Murky, and saw she was stareing back at him, wide-eyed and shocked. “Pretty cool, eh?” Neon said to Murky. “Good, but not good enough. Look what I can do!” she replied. She clicked her fingers, and Neon and herself were on a trip through time! They arrived in 6 AD.
“We just went 2000 years in the past!” Murky said. “Can we go now? The dust is killing me.” Neon whined. Murky clicked her fingers again, and they arrived back in 2006. Suddenly, a black limousine parked right in front of them. Then, the school principal jumped out! He stormed right up to Murky and Neon and shouted: “YOU’RE LATE! YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED!”
“And how are you gonna do that?” Neon giggled. The principal’s skin turned blood red. Then he started to grow larger. The principal was a monster! “GROOOOOR!” he roared. He raised a claw and threw Murky and Neon into a wall. “That sure is gonna hurt tomorrow.” Murky said. Just as the principal was about to tear them to pieces, Neon jumped up and grabbed the horns growing out of the principal’s head, sending him into a fit. Murky wondered what to do. Neon said: “Grab that metal thingy over there!” So Murky got the piece of metal sticking out of the ground and whacked the principal’s head with it. He whimpered and fell to the ground. “Now THAT felt good.” Murky said proudly.
Just then, a black raven flew over and said to Neon: “Go! Get out of topaz town as soon as you can! Something terrible is about to happen!” “Like what? Are they bringing back that stupid manners school?” Neon asked. “No, something far worse! Get out while you still can!” the raven said before it flew off. “Ok. We’ll go out of town for 15 minutes. If nothing happens, we come back.” Murky said. Within minutes, they were out of topaz town and in the plains that surrounded it.
Suddenly, a black light came from Topaz town, and it released a grey wave of energy. Murky and Neon closed their eyes as the wave of energy swept over them…

RaZoR LeAf
23rd December 2005, 11:15 PM
- When a new person is peaking you start a new line.
- If you have insomnia it means you can't sleep, an alarm clock would make no difference
- Total cliché that the first character you introduce has magical powers
- Total rubbish that he finds out within the second paragraph. Harry Potter went through several chapters before he was told he was a Wizard.
- The fact that he is told something he never knew, then instantly morphs goes to prove how utter rubbish it is. Six books out of seven, and Harry Potter is still ****ing up his magic.
- The story jumps from one place to another without any description or reason. 2000 years in the past looks like what? The school principal comes out why?
- You want to publish this as a novel, and you have people on a pokemon message board telling you it sucks. I suggest a new hobby.

Winged_Wolf
24th December 2005, 12:27 AM
You still seem to have a problem with capitalization, especially with Topaz Town. Also, most children would be scared/shocked if their principal was a monster and they could understand raven prophets of doom. Accurately describing emotions can be a book's greatest asset, and it can really cripple a book if done wrong.

Elemental Charizam
24th December 2005, 1:13 AM
He knocked his brother clean out and his mother says calmly that it wasn't nice? Shouldn't she be rushing him to casulalty?

Though you hardly have to leave it six books, achapter or two before the trigger event is a good idea at the least.

Still, its mildly better than the last. Keep trying!

JoJo@210
28th December 2005, 5:36 AM
- When a new person is peaking you start a new line.
- If you have insomnia it means you can't sleep, an alarm clock would make no difference
- Total cliché that the first character you introduce has magical powers
- Total rubbish that he finds out within the second paragraph. Harry Potter went through several chapters before he was told he was a Wizard.
- The fact that he is told something he never knew, then instantly morphs goes to prove how utter rubbish it is. Six books out of seven, and Harry Potter is still ****ing up his magic.
- The story jumps from one place to another without any description or reason. 2000 years in the past looks like what? The school principal comes out why?


Razor Leaf named all the reasons I was going to put down. I would wait a while before trying to publish this as a novel. I wouldn't give up writing though, just think of a diffrent story.

Eternal Daydreamer
28th December 2005, 5:59 AM
Razor Leaf named all the reasons I was going to put down. I would wait a while before trying to publish this as a novel. I wouldn't give up writing though, just think of a diffrent story.
Exactly what I thought. Perhaps short poems or one-shots are more your thing? If you need help with plot ideas just ask me.

Beaniebabie
29th December 2005, 2:33 AM
Ahhhh, well i agree with RaZoR LeAf, You just need to work on the definitions of your sentences too, If you have insomenia it means you CANT sleep not sleep for lengthy periods of time. Check the definitions of words in the dictionary before you use them! And also, you need to edit your grammer, because if someone is speaking, usually another is speaking after them and the sentences run into each other. And surely oour mum, wouldnt just say good job, if you threw frying pans at me! Anyway, hope you work hard on this story cause it is better then some of the other stuff.....lol