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Beaniebabie
19th December 2005, 3:55 AM
Ok so i have started 2 write this story but i dont no whether any1 would like it! My bro says i need more detail but it needs something else 2! Plz help me!
Here is my Story:

UNLEASHED
By Jess Bryant

Chapter 1
3 minutes of silence

This all started with a normal day, just as any other that turned into something disastrous. The sun rose and set but along the horizon lurked doom for all eternity. No one was aware of the dangers that lay ahead in the hours, minutes and seconds of this dreadful day.

This story has focus on the Hildebrand family who helped save the world from what was about to happen. The Hildebrand family was a family of five who were all very normal indeed. The eldest of the three children, Elizabeth, was 14 and was always sure that she was right and everybody else was wrong. The second eldest, the middle child Frank, was 9 and was determined to be an astronaut and meet the aliens. The youngest child, Susanna, was 6 and a very feisty little kid. When she was about 4 she had developed a biting habit, which led to very painful blisters and bite marks on everybody in the family. Since she has grown out of it but she is still able to bite, and hard!
Next we come to Erik, the man of the house, a small business owner who is striving to achieve in his small fish and chip shop. Though none of the family believes he will succeed with this kind of business, he is determined to “show them”.

I havent finished even 1 quarter of chapter 1 so go easy on me!;202;

.Person.
19th December 2005, 4:02 AM
Its short if that's all.To short.I tried to make a fic to. Mine was longer and everyone said it was to short.OOps! Didn't read the end! But still.Has an often start and sounds like something that sniket dude would make.Not to be rood.+, Are you going to make the rest here?You should atleast make 75% here.

Psychic
19th December 2005, 4:10 AM
First off, one of the most important rules on Serebii is that if you're not done writing a chapter, don't post it. It's commun sense, really.
You had better be serious when you say that this is only a fraction of Chapter 1, because a chapter must be at least a page long on Microsoft Word. Then again, because this is more of an introduction than a chpater, this ought to be a Prologue.

Anyhow, the idea needs to be developed more. So far it's too short and too vague and doesn't tell us much. You always want to try and make it suspenceful so that the reader wants to continue reading and see what happens next. I really wasn't very impressed mostly because you didn't tell me enough, seeing as you weren't very specific.


So, here's a few notes:

I see you like Lemony Snicket. You're allowed to like him, granted, but it's very difficult to copy his writing style, and copying his character/s isn't very creative. In truth, I know of only one person who can pull of imitating Snicket's style: Insincerus. Don't even attempt to write like Snicket, because it won't come off sounding very good.
Don't reveal that a family is going to go off and save the world. It practically ruins any suspence you wanted to create. Don't just dive straight into the main plot.
Work more on describing the characters. Your descriptions of them were very vague and left us with a lot of questions to ask. One being "What happened to the fifth Hildebrand? Why won't you introduce him/her?" With Erik, you should explain a lot more, such as how/why/when he started his business and why he tries to keep it open, and who is he trying to prove these things to.


I'd strongly suggest reading the fic rules, Advise for Aspiring Authors and a few 5 star fics by some of the more famous writers here.

~Psychic

EDIT: Sandstorm, I can imagine why everyone commented on your fic in such a manner. Your spelling and grammar is atrocious and you have no idea how to use the space bar. I strongly suggest you attempt to learn how to write properly.

.Person.
19th December 2005, 4:26 AM
I agrea. As my english teacher sed"Slowly add action as U reach the Clymax!"
Sorry.Its to ovios when you say "save the world".+,never start with gloomy stuff.Makes it Way to boring.
EDIT:WTF!Everyone hates my typing!Look at the sig!First 4 words!

Saffire Persian
19th December 2005, 5:22 AM
Speaking of Lemony Snickett, it looks like you've just changed the names and stuff to fit Snickett's prose. 0_o... One of the biggest rules in Fanfiction (and writing in general) DON'T PLAGIARIZE!!!!!!

CHeSHiRe-CaT
19th December 2005, 5:40 AM
Chapter 1
3 minutes of silence

This all started with a normal day, just as any other that turned into something disastrous. The sun rose and set but along the horizon lurked doom for all eternity. No one was aware of the dangers that lay ahead in the hours, minutes and seconds of this dreadful day.

This story has focus on the Hildebrand family who helped save the world from what was about to happen. The Hildebrand family was a family of five who were all very normal indeed. The eldest of the three children, Elizabeth, was 14 and was always sure that she was right and everybody else was wrong. The second eldest, the middle child Frank, was 9 and was determined to be an astronaut and meet the aliens. The youngest child, Susanna, was 6 and a very feisty little kid. When she was about 4 she had developed a biting habit, which led to very painful blisters and bite marks on everybody in the family. Since she has grown out of it but she is still able to bite, and hard!
Next we come to Erik, the man of the house, a small business owner who is striving to achieve in his small fish and chip shop. Though none of the family believes he will succeed with this kind of business, he is determined to “show them”.

I havent finished even 1 quarter of chapter 1 so go easy on me!

I clearly noticed the Snicket-esque whisp coming from this...you call this a chapter? And FLYGON'S SANDSTORM, don't patronize the way a story starts. A Series of Unfortunate Events is a fantastic series (IMO), is a bestselling franchise, and has had its own motion picture film. It started with a bleak beginning. Why shouldn't any story? If you don't appreciate a specific genre or type of writing, don't review or read it. Telling one that grim starts are "boring" is an opinion that should be justified. Why is it so boring? Is it cliche?

Also, thanks for the comments, Psychic. "It helps if you're related" XD

Beaniebabie: You don't write a quarter of a chapter and post it. No. You write the entire thing out on Microsoft Word (which, from some specific quotation marks, I believe you did), and it has to be AT LEAST a page long. No less. I also notice you have the habit for representing numbers with actualy symbols themselves. In order to gain proper respect as a writer, you should write numbers as words from now on, and especially capitalize titles (such as your chapter title). I will also agree with Saffire Persian that plagiarizing is against the rules, not only on SPPf, but EVERYWHERE. Doing it is one good ticket to getting your fic closed. I don't know why you posted it in the Author's Cafe...unless it's a preview, it should be in the Fan Fiction forum.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you can improve on your mistakes. If it helps, try reading more challenging books that can expand your vocabulary and allow you to paint the reader a better picture. We are not trying to be "mean" to you, but merely offer you our advice. You can take it with earnest consideration, or you can just throw a hissy fit and cry and complain and rebel against any of these reviewers' comments. Also, what's with the random Wobbuffet smilie, eh? Another note: random smilies will get you nowhere in a fic, nor anywhere on these forums, and just annoy people when they are used without a purpose; 'tis a sign of unprofessionalism.

~Insincerus/[Tyranitar]

.Person.
19th December 2005, 5:55 AM
Sorry.I'm not saying that about every book.I mean I think it's ok but...I like the end better.I was also thinking about hero stories dont sound to good with Sniket.I still think it's OK!(The books)

Shadowcat
19th December 2005, 6:09 AM
DO NOT SPELL HIS NAME WRONGLY! It's Snicket, not Sniket. And leave a space after every sentence.


I clearly noticed the Snicket-esque whisp coming from this...you call this a chapter? And FLYGON'S SANDSTORM, don't patronize the way a story starts. A Series of Unfortunate Events is a fantastic series (IMO), is a bestselling franchise, and has had its own motion picture film. It started with a bleak beginning. Why shouldn't any story? If you don't appreciate a specific genre or type of writing, don't review or read it.

Snicket's twelth book was excellent, and he is indeed an excellent writer. It was also one of the books which had a movie for it. The others are Narnia, Harry Potter and a few others I don't remember...

Also to Beaniebabie, if you think you are able to pull off with the style of Snicket's Writing, try it, and see whether it works out for you. If it doesn't, find your own style of writing. But for now, only Chesh can pull of imitating his writing style. Also, add DESCRIPTION to your characters. DESCRIPTION, helps us picture the character in our mind, making us easier to see how the character looks like. DESCRIPTION is your friend. BTW, so are Spelling, Grammar, the keybord, Microsoft Word, Spell Check and Grammar Check.

For Bolding and Capitalizing the word 'Description' is because no description was added at all. The Bolding and Capitalizing of that word, is for you to understand the meaning of it.

And if you thought I was the friendly neighbour next door, too bad... People who know me know that I can give sweet reviews... Saber, Typhlogirl, Klaus and some others can tell you that I'm really a sweet reviewer. But unfortunately, you shall know me as the person who thinks you need tons of improvement and most likely, you shall hate Psychic, Chesh and myself for giving you the harsh reviews, lecturing you. We can spend our time doing our own stuff, but no! We instead, decide to help you, if you don't want to take advice, then you shall never be sucessful in life. I too, at the beginning, was not really good at it and not too bad at it, but taking advice helped me improve, and you should take our advice and add description, type on MS Word, use Spell Check and Grammar Check and go through the chapter before posting it. End of Story. And you must be surprised how an eleven year-old can lecture you. Also, if you don't like us, then sorry. You can improve, just try a better plot of yours out, and who knows? You may be good and famous in SPPF one day...


Sincerely,
Sapphire

Sandstorm: Use spacing between every word and sentence. That's a tip. If you're older than me, and don't know how to use the space bar, I call you a person who doesn't know how to use the keyboard or has never learnt how to use the spacebar between sentences. Seriously, your posts cause my eyes to bleed, and I shall become blind at this rate. Only give reviews to Beaniebabie and discuss nothing on why Psychic, Chesh and myself said to you on this thread. End of Story, point over.

Sincerely,
Sapphire

Psychic
19th December 2005, 8:43 PM
And if you thought I was the friendly neighbour next door, too bad... People who know me know that I can give sweet reviews... Saber, Typhlogirl, Klaus and some others can tell you that I'm really a sweet reviewer. But unfortunately, you shall know me as the person who thinks you need tons of improvement and most likely, you shall hate Psychic, Chesh and myself for giving you the harsh reviews, lecturing you. We can spend our time doing our own stuff, but no! We instead, decide to help you, if you don't want to take advice, then you shall never be sucessful in life. I too, at the beginning, was not really good at it and not too bad at it, but taking advice helped me improve, and you should take our advice and add description, type on MS Word, use Spell Check and Grammar Check and go through the chapter before posting it. End of Story. And you must be surprised how an eleven year-old can lecture you. Also, if you don't like us, then sorry. You can improve, just try a better plot of yours out, and who knows? You may be good and famous in SPPF one day...
Awwww, and I always thought of you as this cute little softie. This is a side of you I never expected to exist, forget about see.

And so you know, I've been in the reviewing business for a long time, and I've come to learn a few things.
You can try as hard as you want to talk sense into some people, but no matter how hard you try to get them to listen, they'll just shut you out and keep ignoring you. They think you're always trying to insult them.
I've given up on being nice. It isn't worth it, because they just take whatever you say and flush it down the toilet. When I'm on a reviewing spree, I am a real beeotch to people who can't even follow simple forum rules. So don't waste your breath.


Either way, this kid wasn't showing any signs of hostility, so I don;t think you needed to give that whole speech (as nice as it was for me to hear someone else say it for a change).

But, now that you brought up the issue of

We can spend our time doing our own stuff, but no! We instead, decide to help you, if you don't want to take advice, then you shall never be sucessful in life.
I think we'll have some trouble a-brewing. People get very touchy on that subject, n00b or not.



Don;t you guys find it funny that our posts are longer than Beaniebabie's chapter itself?




FLYGON'S SANDSTORM: You could always make the goddam effort to learn Eglish and type properly. If all of us can do it, you sure as Hell can, too. Saying "I suck at writing have pity on me" in your sig doesn't make a difference. It isn't an excuse. Just put in the simple effort.


~Psychic

Beaniebabie
20th December 2005, 9:41 AM
First off, one of the most important rules on Serebii is that if you're not done writing a chapter, don't post it. It's commun sense, really.
You had better be serious when you say that this is only a fraction of Chapter 1, because a chapter must be at least a page long on Microsoft Word. Then again, because this is more of an introduction than a chpater, this ought to be a Prologue.

Anyhow, the idea needs to be developed more. So far it's too short and too vague and doesn't tell us much. You always want to try and make it suspenceful so that the reader wants to continue reading and see what happens next. I really wasn't very impressed mostly because you didn't tell me enough, seeing as you weren't very specific.


So, here's a few notes:

I see you like Lemony Snicket. You're allowed to like him, granted, but it's very difficult to copy his writing style, and copying his character/s isn't very creative. In truth, I know of only one person who can pull of imitating Snicket's style: Insincerus. Don't even attempt to write like Snicket, because it won't come off sounding very good.
Don't reveal that a family is going to go off and save the world. It practically ruins any suspence you wanted to create. Don't just dive straight into the main plot.
Work more on describing the characters. Your descriptions of them were very vague and left us with a lot of questions to ask. One being "What happened to the fifth Hildebrand? Why won't you introduce him/her?" With Erik, you should explain a lot more, such as how/why/when he started his business and why he tries to keep it open, and who is he trying to prove these things to.


I'd strongly suggest reading the fic rules, Advise for Aspiring Authors and a few 5 star fics by some of the more famous writers here.

~Psychic

EDIT: Sandstorm, I can imagine why everyone commented on your fic in such a manner. Your spelling and grammar is atrocious and you have no idea how to use the space bar. I strongly suggest you attempt to learn how to write properly.


Ok i have NEVER read lemony snicket and dont really intend 2. this is the stlye of riteing i have used all my life! Really guyz plz i hate it how u critize sooooo shallowly! stop it! it was just a lil fun 2 roite this story and i really didnt put any thought into it! stop critizing harshly i just asked for a lil advice and not a LECTURE on plagarism!

Shadowcat
20th December 2005, 9:56 AM
Advice here is lecture, you have to learn.

Also, after I see you post to our reviews, I start to think that your spelling isn't also as good as well... Now... if you never read Snicket's work, why is your work somewhat like immitating it?

Also, if you can't accept our reviews... Don't post anything at all.... End of Story!

Capatalize names, and capitalize the first letter of a sentence.

It should be:

Use I instead of i
Use You instead of u
Use Please instead of plz

Can't take our reviews, it's not harsh. Your bad spelling is horrible and blinds my eyes... (talking about the reply you gave Psychic and myself) Also, in the Fan Fiction Community, Lectures are excellent... If it was Renegade who was reviewing your preview, it'll be more harsh than ours put together! PUT THOUGHT INTO YOUR STORY FOR GOODNESS SAKE! DON'T WRITE IT BLINDLY! PUT SOME HEART INTO IT! YOU NEED PASSION AND FEELINGS WHEN YOU WRITE FICS! NO HEART, NO FEELINGS AND NO PASSION PUT INTO THE FIC, MAKES THE FIC ******** AND CRAP! (Hopefully Psychic agrees with this)

Psychic, I don't think Beaniebabie can take our reviews... Really... I suggest you read Advice for Aspiring Authors and the Fan Fiction Rules, which can be found as stickies in the Fan Fiction Main Forum...

Elemental Charizam
20th December 2005, 11:46 AM
While all the advice you've given is perfectly correct, I hardly think, Psychic, that its fair to treat everybody in a group harshly right away just because its the only way some listen. Its actually a terrible way to get through to lots of people, so when they ignore you out of pride/refusal to believe you, you'll just get angrier at them anyway. Better to be nice first time, and only be harsh if you really need to hammer something home. Not that you actually were being nasty, but you said that you usually were :P

ANYWAY.


This story has focus on the Hildebrand family who helped save the world from what was about to happen.
Awkward wording, 'is focused' woould be a bette way of putting it.

Writing conventions state that you should write numbers like '4' as 'four' in almost all cases. Unless you're making a point, its best to follow them.

Description - well there isn't much here really. I understand you just want to write as a fun little thing, but unless you put a degree of effort in then it won't be enjoyable for anyone to read, and there's no point in posting it here except for to improve yourself. Description is essential to tell readers how things are going on - as that was a summary of the family, you didn't need that much, but you should have given us a basic idea of what the characters look like. Unless their appearance is important, we don't need that much detail, but it makes readers feel lost if they don't know how to magine events in your fic.

If the style was nicked... well sorry guys but that isn't plagarizing Snicket, you can nick any style you like. Writing in anothers style often helps you find your own, and can serve as a good writing excercise.

Grammar and spelling can be pretty much sorted out if you just use MS Word and its spellcheck. That doesn't takemuch effort on your part and makes the story more readable and thus more interesting and immersive. Not that there are many errors in the fic itself... though there was only a paragraph worth so that isn't hard :D

Your strength seems to be that you don't have much trouble using a good vocabulary in your writing. I'd be able to say more about it if the excerpt wasn't so short.

Good luck for the future.

JoJo@210
28th December 2005, 5:43 AM
Well, I never read the books or saw the movie of Snickets but the characters kind of give me the idea of Snicket right away. But I never really cared about Snicket, to me there should be alot more than that paragraph added so I really can't give anymore advice than to write more before you post it to be rated, thats all for right now.