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FloatingFlames
21st December 2005, 4:09 AM
Everybody's doing it! This is preview of my chapter fic that I'm writing, if anybody is interested. It's actually a rewrite of my very first fic. The plot may seem completely absurd to you at first, but really, I tried to be as vague as possible while giving a little insight as well. Any questions are welcome as well as comments. I hope to deliver to you, the faithful readers (let's hope), an entertaining experience. This prologue isn't the best representation of the fic, but I hope it accurately portrays what's to come.

You should know what the strange man is when you're done reading, or at least have some speculation. =)

Anyways, I won't ramble on too much, because there really isn't much to say but 'Enjoy'. So... enjoy.

This fic has gone from "An Ancient Betrayal" to "The Final Chapter" To "Green Sky of Chains" to "This Illusion" and back to "Green Sky of Chains". Whew. Damn titles. ._.



Green Sky of Chains
Tale of a Creation
Prologue

A man with a bleeding soul entered through the shaky doors and into the bar which was rustling with liveliness. He was shrouded head to foot in raggedy clothing, and a hood concealed his face, although tanned, scared flesh was vaguely visible. What seemed to be an unceasing glare was not seen but more felt; he trudged toward the bar, each step emanating with a bizarre disdain. He took a seat next to an aged old man. No one in the bar even gave the man more than a glance.

The old man on his side smiled and took a sip of his drink. His eyes closed, he began to speak to the newcomer, showing yellowing, rotted teeth. He looked like a poor, homeless man, but the way he spoke showed resounding intelligence.

“How’s progress, if I am allowed to ask?”

The cloaked man did not respond immediately, he ordered a drink with a simple hand gesture and then stared ahead into space. Several minutes past before he said anything, and when he did, his voice was rigid and raspy; it was quite clear he had not uttered a word in a long time.

“Why the hell would you care, you god damn traitor?” He croaked; his voice was little more than a painful rasp. A coughing fit and dark red blood followed these words. He quickly wiped his mouth with his cloak, which was already stained in a brownish red in many places. The old man paused momentarily, taking another drink.

“Harsh words.” Another short pause followed. “However, I honestly don’t see that someone with the condition you have can continue with something so ambitious.”

The ancient man received a glare equivalent of the phrase ‘screw you’. The stranger’s drink arrived; he grasped it and brought it to his lips, his arm shaking noticeably. He missed his mouth on the first attempt, but managed to find it on the second. He chugged nearly half the bottle before slamming it on the counter. The old man waited for a response, but when he received nothing, he continued.

“And you call me a traitor, but really… I left the cause because it was useless. It can’t happen ever, not even now when this hellhole of a country is weakest.”

An emotion must have been struck, because the aged man’s guest began to speak, this time much more quickly.

“You’re ignorant old man; you can’t see what I’ve seen. I’m much more in touch with him then you are.” He stopped, and began to breathe. “I’ve spoken to him. He’s sending …someone… He has plans, don’t believe otherwise…” The man stopped again. He could not speak in continuation. “He’s alive. No one sane would doubt it…”

The old man finished his drink and smirked. “From what I can see you’ve lost your sanity. You’ve become blinded by this endeavor. You say you’ve spoken to him, have yo--”

The man erupted angrily, raising his voice to a threatening level. “Shut up Agathor, you dirty human! You are worthless – you possess no connection to him whatsoever!”

At this, many people stared both nervously and peculiarly at the enigmatic customer at the bar who was shaking with complete fury. A small quantity blood escaped his lips and trickled down his chin, but he wiped it away hurriedly. Several more moments passed.

“You and I both know your speaking lies. Without my help you wouldn’t be where you are in the project.” The wrinkled Agathor smiled and picked bits of dirt from his grayed beard. “And why do you continue to insult humans? You’re working with them. Without their aid you would be a one man project. Surely you don’t think you could succeed on your own?”

The enraged mystery began to calm. He took a very deep breath, as if he was about to dive into an ocean, and began.

“What I mean is that… humans in general are…troublesome and incredibly foolish. There are some, whom under proper guidance, work towards the right cause. You were one of them yourself, were you not?”

Agathor simply nodded without uttering a word. Seeing that he would not procure another comment from the elder, the mysterious man went on in his thick, deep rasp:

“I don’t expect you to see eye to eye with me anymore though. You’ve obviously had a change in your beliefs.”

“You’re quite right,” Agathor said sternly. He did not continue. The cloaked man sneered beneath his hood.

“I should have you executed so you won’t spread our secrets,” he spat in his deep, scraping voice. This however, made Agathor chuckle heartily.

“You can’t kill me. You don’t have the physical ability, nor do those under you. Besides, I doubt you could even bring yourself to kill me.”

A low sound, something of a growl, came from the stranger, but he said nothing. He finished his drink in one more chug and left it on the counter.

The man rose from his seat and headed to the door. Stopping in the middle of the room, he looked around and began to whistle a strange, foreign tune.

He left.

A trail of an unusual purple substance leaked out the bottom of his pant legs as he walked.

IceKing
21st December 2005, 10:10 PM
At this, many people stared both nervously and peculiarly at the enigmatic customer at the bar who shaking with complete fury.

should be was shaking or shook


The enraged mystery began to calm.

mystery???



Heloooooooooo Flamer! Here's your damn review! It was good and suspenseful but could use a bit of improvement. Why is it the evil person is always hooded XD? Also, I felt the paragraphs were too short, and the overall structure needed improving on. I can't really put to words what I want to say, basically organize your sentences better I suppose. Is this person Satan or something? Agathor is an interesting name, sounds a bit like Aragog. You could also improve on mood. This is a dirty pub scene, and I only partially feel it, try and incorporate more 'filthy' descriptions and such to make it seem the way it should be. This definetely seems like a very interesting fic and I sincerely hope this person who they work under is not Satan or something like that. Purple goop aye? Muk or Swalot perhaps? Overall, good but amp it up a bit more.

Edit: Oh ****! I wanted to rate it a 4 but me and Patty were talking about n00b fics and I accidently rated it 1... Everyone, please disregard the rating!

Kiyohime
21st December 2005, 11:12 PM
Iceking, you're a idiot. XD I'll raise the rating.

ANYWAYS. o.o I remember your first work, unless I'm wrong? It was about a door and Mew. X3

THIS....reminds me of my Aeon. XD With the Pokemon being humans and yelling at each other about how humans are stoopid. XP But it's all good. You did good. o.o The last part...oooh lala. I thought maybe he was a Gastly, but I guess it makes more sense if he was a Muk. *shrugs*

The opening line was good, but didn't seem to fit, but that's just me. ^^; BTW, WHEN THE HELL DOES GREEN SKY OF CHAINS COME OUT?!? >:0

FloatingFlames
21st December 2005, 11:45 PM
IceKing:


mystery???

Well... yeah.


Why is it the evil person is always hooded XD?

To conceal their identity, d'oh. =P


Is this person Satan or something?

You're close, in a distant, vague way, I guess.


You could also improve on mood. This is a dirty pub scene, and I only partially feel it, try and incorporate more 'filthy' descriptions and such to make it seem the way it should be.

The focus really wasn't meant to be on the environment, it was meant to be on the two men and their conversation. It was really only an introductory chapter; I didn't intend for it to be extravagantly descriptive.


Purple goop aye? Muk or Swalot perhaps? Overall, good but amp it up a bit more.

It was a ditto dematerializing. Also, there was a reason it kept coughing up blood, as you'll see if you stick with the fic.


Edit: Oh ****! I wanted to rate it a 4 but me and Patty were talking about n00b fics and I accidently rated it 1...

Me: Kaokfhiawopfgeorgiopgjeaop'rgjeaopgaegf


Scrap:


I remember your first work, unless I'm wrong? It was about a door and Mew. X3

That was one of my very first one-shots. I'm actually quite proud of the idea behind it (even if it wasn't executed the way I had hoped), and very flattered you remember it XD


THIS....reminds me of my Aeon. XD With the Pokemon being humans and yelling at each other about how humans are stoopid.

o_o Well... I haven't read your prologue yet, so...=/ I apologize, but if you see a similarity, it's probably just a coincidence and I assure you that this takes some very serious twists, so I doubt it will have many parallels past the fifth or so chapter. =)


The last part...oooh lala. I thought maybe he was a Gastly

Yes, that line that I had in mind motivated me to finish it =P I really wanted to write that line, and it's definitely my favorite. And no, like I said it's a ditto. With a serious illness. More to come on that, stay tuned. XD


BTW, WHEN THE HELL DOES GREEN SKY OF CHAINS COME OUT?!? >:0

This IS Green Sky of Chains, I just changed the title... for a fourth time. *cough*. Oh yes, may I request a new banner? Or if it's simpler, can you just change the title on the banner that you made for me? I can send it to you if you deleted it.

Thanks so much for reviewing though.

Kiyohime
21st December 2005, 11:51 PM
It'll be hard to redo the title since it's flattened on the image, but I'll be glad to make you a new one. And a Ditto...YAYNESS. ^^

*feels dumb that she didn't realize it WAS Green Sky of Chains* XD

Ryano Ra
22nd December 2005, 2:22 PM
Very interesting. I liked the description. I especially love the opening line and the last two paragraphs, for what reasons, I'm not so sure about.

So, this is Green Sky of Chains, huh? I will admit, I loved that title much more than this one. >>; GSoC was much creative and imaginative than this, and I have certain distaste with titles including the world "THIS" in them. Omg, Green Sky of Chains isn't a title anymore...;_; *kicks this title in the head*

Nothing much to say, except change the title back! ;.; *cries and runs away* Excellent preview.

FloatingFlames
22nd December 2005, 6:26 PM
Syra:

akljdlwa[gpdadg[pahphae!

The old title was that good? Well, maybe I'll keep it... *runs to put old banner back in signature*

Glad you liked the preview anyways. This is really just a rough copy, the actual prologue that you'll see in the fic will probably twice as long as this. I'm hoping to work on this quite a bit over the break, so if I'm lucky you may see it out sometime in January.

Thanks for reviewing. Oh and Syra, when does Rhapsody come out? =P

Kiyohime
22nd December 2005, 9:00 PM
Yes, I agree! Green Sky of Chains is much more eye-catching and original. X3

Syra's apparently HALF-done with Rhapsody...I'll make him work faster by kicking him, shall I? ^^

Ryano Ra
23rd December 2005, 1:53 PM
Yes, I agree! Green Sky of Chains is much more eye-catching and original. X3

Syra's apparently HALF-done with Rhapsody...I'll make him work faster by kicking him, shall I? ^^Yay! Green Sky of Chains is back as a title! *kicks the ugly title to the dust* Another one bites the dust! >3 Murrr.

Yes, Scrap and Flames, I have finally completed writing half-way through Rhapsody. Hopefully, I can finish the story sometime in early January, since I plan to do some major writing over my two-week Christmas vacation. ^^ But I have been working a bit slower, so Scrap, you shall kick me to get my arse into gear before I experience the first sign of Writer's Block. ;_;