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Psychic
21st December 2005, 4:53 AM
Liek, omg, first time I’ve ever posted a preview in the Café!
This is a fic I’m currently working on, but I’ve only written this sort of Introduction for it, though the rest can be found in my head (though the main idea needs some fine-tuning). Well, it won’t really be much of a fic, as I only expect it to be a few chapters long (yes, only a few chapters!) if I can even make it that long.

I won’t reveal anything about the plot yet, except for the fact that the fact that the Pokémon’s species is a rather important factor of the fic.

So, what I need are some good, honest opinions on this. I know it needs fixing, but I don’t know just what to edit, which is why I need you guys to help me.


Anyways, I won’t keep you waiting any longer. Here’s the beginning of my story, whose name I’m not even going to reveal.
Enjoy.



I never really liked my trainer. Ever since the day he caught me, I knew I would resent being on his team. He’s snappy, cocky and rude and doesn’t treat me with the care I have seen other trainers treat their Pokémon with.
That’s life, I suppose. You get what you get, and you should take what you can while you can. That’s always been a philosophy of mine. See, I try to be optimistic. It’s hard when Rick’s always pushing me past my limits and all, but he doesn’t strike me, so I have some reason to give thanks.

“Show that Poliwag what you’re made of, Butterfree!” he yelled at me, pointing at the round little blue Pokémon at the other end of what had been appointed the field. That was another thing I didn’t like about Rick; he kept calling me ‘Butterfree’. Well, sure, I am a Butterfree, but I do have a name. Okay, so how’s a human supposed to know my name’s actually Flyfree? Look, don’t get me started on my name; Metapod have a lot of free time on their hands, and I was just really bored.

“Wag, Poli-wag!” the water tadpole cried in a high-pitched voice, slapping her flat white tail on the grassy ground and she shifted her weight from one small round foot to the other. I couldn’t help but stare at her little round mouth. I’ve always thought mouths to be one of the least attractive body parts, it being this little hole that leads to the bowels. They’re rather disgusting, with moist pink walls, yellow-white teeth, and long pink fleshy tongues that played with the liquid within the mouth.

I shuddered, fluttering my filmy wings nervously. The Poliwag’s trainer brushed short dirty blond hair out of his eyes with a confident “Hmmph!”, a sound he made through his nose. His thin lips were stretched across his face so that his mouth was closed tightly.

“Poliwag, use Bubble!” the trainer shouted from his end of the field, to which the tadpole Pokémon responded with a “Poli!” and opening its pink-rimmed mouth, shooting a stream of little round bubbles at me.

“Gust them away!” Rick yelled from behind me. I turned to look at him, my long black antennae swinging. What was that supposed to mean?

He clenched his fists, which were poking out of long green sleeves until his knuckles were white. “Don’t look at me! Focus on the battle!” he shouted, pointing his finger at the Poliwag. I turned my head just in time to see the bubbles heading right for me.

“Free!” I cried in surprise as each angle of my compound eyes was filled with the sight of the hollow spheres. Before I could fly away the barrage made contact with my frail purple body, each bubble exploding as it touched my skin. The pain wasn’t terrible, but as each bubble popped, it drenched me in water. I hoped desperately my wings wouldn’t get too water-clogged.

“Now a Doubleslap!” he called to the Poliwag, grinning. She bounced on her round blue feet for a moment before launching herself into the air, aimed right at me. This time, however, I was ready; as it raised its flat tail to slap me I quickly dodged left, flapping my wings to release a yellow powder into the air, right over the Poliwag, which was just descending from its leap. As it landed on the grassy ground, it glared up at me, only to have the spores go into her eyes, which she squeezed shut. But the water Pokémon had to breathe, thus inhaling the fine powder.

She opened her eyes wide in shock as the Stun Spore took its effect, slowly paralyzing her. The Poliwag tried to shake it off, but her movements were small and jerky.

“Wa…ag!” she tried to cry out, but her brain was having trouble sending orders to her mouth.

“Poliwag!” her trainer groaned. “Shake it off! Tackle it! DO SOMETHING!” he cried desperately.

Rick smirked. “Great, now finish it off with Gust!” he commanded confidently.

I obeyed him, beating my large, filmy wings faster and faster, sending a burst of wind at the Poliwag, who could do nothing but stare on in fear. The wave of air hit the tadpole dead-on, lifting her round little body off the ground to be sent flying backwards to land at her trainer’s feet, defeated.

“Awwch. Return, Poliwag.” He grunted, unhooking a red and white sphere from a strip of material strapped across his waist. He held up the Pokéball and a red beam of light shot out, enveloping the Poliwag’s still form and drawing her into the ball.

“Good battle,” he muttered to Rick, though focusing his attention on the blades of grass below his feet as opposed to my trainer’s face. “Thought I was gonna win until your Butterfree pulled off that Stun Spore.”

He didn’t say anything more. He looked up at the clear blue sky for a moment, then into Rick’s eyes for a brief second. Then the trainer turned around and walked off without as much as a backwards glance.



Thanks for reading! Please R&R and leave any tips you can!

~Psychic

Shadowcat
21st December 2005, 5:05 AM
Psychic, that was nice and brilliant. Now, for some quotes.


“Show that Poliwag what you’re made of, Butterfree!” he yelled at me, pointing at the round little blue Pokémon at the other end of what had been appointed the field. That was another thing I didn’t like about Rick; he kept calling me ‘Butterfree’. Well, sure, I am a Butterfree, but I do have a name. Okay, so how’s a human supposed to know my name’s actually Flyfree? Look, don’t get me started on my name; Metapod have a lot of free time on their hands, and I was just really bored.

8D. Nice, I laughed at this part. Really, Flyfree? Like OMG! That was one of the most funniest names...


“Gust them away!” Rick yelled from behind me. I turned to look at him, my long black antennae swinging. What was that supposed to mean?

XD! What is 'Gust the away'? I'd like to ask Rick that. I LOLed at it when Butterfree was confused. It was kinda confusing...

Now Psychic, nothing else to say but I'm quite a bad reviewer at reviewing good pieces of work. *Gets shot* But, for reviweing your fic, I'll be the cute, little softie you pictured me as...... XD! Anyways,


They’re rather disgusting, with moist pink walls, yellow/white teeth, and long pink fleshy tongues that played with the liquid within the mouth.


How can a Butterfree picture that? He can see through things! Good description on how the Butterfree pictured the mouth! *drinks mango juice and hands cookie to Psychic* Now, when it's up and going, I'll definitely review it...

CHeSHiRe-CaT
21st December 2005, 5:41 AM
Look, don’t get me started on my name; Metapod have a lot of free time on their hands, and I was just really bored.
lmfao, the Flyfree apparently despises teh Metapod 8D

This is just one of the many aspects you've put into this preview that contribute to the character of this Butterfree, personalizing the creature from the first-person view of the Pokemon itself. Flyfree has a very well-defined personality because of your wonderfully chiseled descriptions, thoughts, emotions, and actions portrayed before and in this battle scene. I absolutely love the amount of description you place within there that really seems to expand the portrayal of your writing, especially the whole "mouth" discussion, that made me think of rubber, disgusting mouths slobbering and drooling, squeaking O.o

We can truly get a feel of what emotions are running through Flyfree's head, but still, we're shrouded in teh knowledge yew haff not showed us. This is a perfect prologue, as a significant amount of the pre-chapters on SPPf try not to give too much away about the plot, but give some information to feed your brain off of. Simply a battle scene, but still a wonderful one that intrigues me to read what the real plot is about. Gewd job, TWINNEH.

~Chesh

...my pants hurt.

Ledian_X
22nd December 2005, 3:38 PM
Wow! Now this is a good preview! I like stories done from a pokemon's perspective as it's unique and original. This has the makings of a great story and I hope to see more in the future. Your butterfree, Flyfree seems to be quite a deep character. I hope to see more of it and other members of this jerk trainer's team.

Speaking of that jerk, you really seemed to nail that guy's personality. You wrote him to be a jerk and he is. It'll be interesting to see what you do to him. Hopefully, Flyfree strikes back and stun spores him. But, that's just me. Nice preview, Psychic!

LX

Psychic
29th December 2005, 9:18 PM
^.^ Well, I’m glad the whole three people who read this liked it! Granted, only Sapphire found it herself, but beggars can’t be choosers. *sweatdrops*



Psychic, that was nice and brilliant.

Really, Flyfree? Like OMG! That was one of the most funniest names...

XD! What is 'Gust the away'? I'd like to ask Rick that. I LOLed at it when Butterfree was confused. It was kinda confusing...
:D Thankies! Glad you liked it!

XD I was going for ‘interesting’ and ‘funny’.

I figured that a Pokemon can’t always read their trainer’s mind, and when a trainer is so into a battle, they start talking gibberish, expecting their Pokemon to understand. XDD.




Now Psychic, nothing else to say but I'm quite a bad reviewer at reviewing good pieces of work. *Gets shot*

How can a Butterfree picture that? He can see through things!
Good description on how the Butterfree pictured the mouth! *drinks mango juice and hands cookie to Psychic* Now, when it's up and going, I'll definitely review it...
:P That’s okay; it’s hard to review shorter pieces. *pats*

Flyfree’s seen mouths before. I mean, haven’t we all? With the mouth description, I kinda wanted to gross my readers out too so they’d see what Flyfree was getting at, yunno?
I’m glad you’ll review it when it’s up! I’ll expect a review!






lmfao, the Flyfree apparently despises teh Metapod 8D

This is just one of the many aspects you've put into this preview that contribute to the character of this Butterfree, personalizing the creature from the first-person view of the Pokemon itself. Flyfree has a very well-defined personality because of your wonderfully chiseled descriptions, thoughts, emotions, and actions portrayed before and in this battle scene. I absolutely love the amount of description you place within there that really seems to expand the portrayal of your writing, especially the whole "mouth" discussion, that made me think of rubber, disgusting mouths slobbering and drooling, squeaking O.o

We can truly get a feel of what emotions are running through Flyfree's head, but still, we're shrouded in teh knowledge yew haff not showed us. This is a perfect prologue, as a significant amount of the pre-chapters on SPPf try not to give too much away about the plot, but give some information to feed your brain off of. Simply a battle scene, but still a wonderful one that intrigues me to read what the real plot is about. Gewd job, TWINNEH.

~Chesh

...my pants hurt.
Hey, Big T! (Haven’t called ya that in awhile!)
But nah, Flyfree just used that as his defense for giving himself a crappy name. But he isn’t so fond of the cocoons either. :P

I tried to give Flyfree a distinct personality, and I’m glad you think I did such a great job. Though I don’t think I got in a huge amount of the Butterfree’s thoughts and emotions, but I tried to fit in all the description possible (you know how I am about description).
Again, the whole mouth thing was sort of something for the readers to get what Flyfree’s talking about. And yes; drooling and squeaking.

Yup, I tried not to give away too much in this preview. I wanted to do what a Prologue SHOULD do; wet the readers appetite and make them want to read more.
The true plot of this short story is one nobody will guess unless they can take the most subtle but obvious hint I gave. Haha, I just contradicted myself. I’m like a hypocrite!

…awww, your poor pants. XDD






Wow! Now this is a good preview! I like stories done from a pokemon's perspective as it's unique and original. This has the makings of a great story and I hope to see more in the future. Your butterfree, Flyfree seems to be quite a deep character. I hope to see more of it and other members of this jerk trainer's team.

Speaking of that jerk, you really seemed to nail that guy's personality. You wrote him to be a jerk and he is. It'll be interesting to see what you do to him. Hopefully, Flyfree strikes back and stun spores him. But, that's just me. Nice preview, Psychic!

LX
^^ I’m glad you also liked it!
I love when they’re from a Pokemon’s perspective. It’s always so different, and they’re always fun to write!
:D Makings of a great story! *bounces off walls* Flyfree isn’t exactly the ‘deep’ type; he has his own opinions and all, but other than that, he’s a simple fellow. And you’ll get to see Rick’s team when the fic is up! *grins*

Yea, I made Rick so he’d be disliked. Flyfree is going to influence all of you to hate him. And lol at Flyfree paralyzing his trainer. *shifty eyes*




Again, I’m glad you all enjoyed it, and I hope to get more opinions from other people here! I’d like to hear what you all have to say about this fic!


~Psychic

Dragonfree
30th December 2005, 5:15 AM
Hmm. The plot and characters both seem fairly interesting, and the flow is good for the most part, so nice job on that. Sounds natural as first person, too. Neat take on the species, with the almost-mouthless Butterfree finding mouths so disgusting. Heh, very clever. ;)

Now, for some other comments:

I don't see what's so hard to understand about "Gust them away." I stared at that for a while trying to find what was so hard to understand about it, and in fact no matter how much I turn my head I can't possibly imagine how one could not understand it. The only matter of doubt in it is what "them" is, and it's pretty obvious from the context. o.O Yeah, that bit was what made me have to stop and think.

A couple of wording complaints:


He looked up at the clear blue sky for a moment, then into Rick’s eyes for a brief moment.
You should really change the first "moment" to "second" or something.


She opened her eyes wide in shock as the Stun Spore took its effect, slowly paralyzing it.
Paralyzing her, shouldn't it be?

Sometimes your sentences seem to be structured oddly, like "I obeyed him, beating my large, filmy wings faster and faster, sending a burst of wind at the Poliwag" and "lifting her round little body off the ground to be sent flying backwards to land at her trainer’s feet" - I'm not quite sure if you're breaking some grammatical rule but they sound strange somehow, and should maybe be edited a bit (perhaps adding an and before sending in the first one and changing the to to an and in the second one).

One last note, too: It seemed a bit odd as a prologue. It read like a first chapter; we had the main character introduced, there was nothing particularly mysterious about it, it didn't raise any more questions than a regular first chapter does, and generally I don't really find a single prologue-trait in it except that it's fairly short. It would be better suited to be a first chapter in my opinion; it would be nice to get a prologue-less fic for once, anyway. :P (Yes, I know I'm being a bit hypocritical.)

Overall, though, it does look promising. I'll be reading when it's posted.

Psychic
1st January 2006, 3:29 AM
Hmm. The plot and characters both seem fairly interesting, and the flow is good for the most part, so nice job on that. Sounds natural as first person, too. Neat take on the species, with the almost-mouthless Butterfree finding mouths so disgusting. Heh, very clever. ;)
Good charries, flaw and plot. Gotcha; great. But der ish no plot! Yet, that is. *winks*
Only first person will work for this story because of the way I want to express Flyfree’s thoughts and feelings.
And again, I chose a Butterfree for a reason. It wouldn’t work if it were any other Pokémon. And thanks for the mouth thing. *getting much recognition on it*



Now, for some other comments:

I don't see what's so hard to understand about "Gust them away." I stared at that for a while trying to find what was so hard to understand about it, and in fact no matter how much I turn my head I can't possibly imagine how one could not understand it. The only matter of doubt in it is what "them" is, and it's pretty obvious from the context. o.O Yeah, that bit was what made me have to stop and think.
The thing with “Gust them away” is that you have to see more into the character to not get it, methinks. I mean, Flyfree can’t read Rick’s mind and the two don’t have one of those close bonds where they can understand each other perfectly. That, and the Butterfree is only half paying attention to the battle/Rick. Flyfree doesn’t really care all that much, but again, it has to do with communication problems between the two, which is something I suppose I’ll have to work a bit more on. I just tried to bring it out as much as I could as subtly as I could in the short span of the battle.



One last note, too: It seemed a bit odd as a prologue. It read like a first chapter; we had the main character introduced, there was nothing particularly mysterious about it, it didn't raise any more questions than a regular first chapter does, and generally I don't really find a single prologue-trait in it except that it's fairly short. It would be better suited to be a first chapter in my opinion; it would be nice to get a prologue-less fic for once, anyway. :P (Yes, I know I'm being a bit hypocritical.)


Overall, though, it does look promising. I'll be reading when it's posted.
Yea; no. o.O Er, what I mean is that it sorta is a Prologue, but sorta isn’t. I mean, this isn’t so much as a Prologue as it is an introduction (which is the word I should have used in the first place). This isn’t going to be a heavy fic with an earth-shattering plot. It’s more of a short tale of a Butterfree, hence the reason the ‘Prologue’ doesn’t take place in a different time and place like, say the Prologye of ‘The Quest For The Legends’.
I don’t quite think this ought to be a first chapter mainly because all it does is introduce the characters and setting. Of course, the fact that it is so short works against the Chapter 1 idea. Also, this battle has absolutely nothing to do with the fic’s plot itself, which, for instance, is why the opposing trainer remained nameless and walked away so quickly when he was defeated.

Anyways, thanks a ton for the review, spotted errors and advise, and I anticipate your review when the short story is posted! (Good thing it’s about a Butterfree! XD But seriously, I’d glad you liked it.)

~Psychic

Flaming Lip
3rd January 2006, 2:38 AM
yellow/white teeth

Yellow-white is better.


“Poliwag, use Bubble!” the trainer shouted from his end of the field, to which the tadpole Pokémon responded with a “Poli!” and opening its pink-rimmed mouth, shooting a stream of little round bubbles at me.

You have to start a new paragraph for when the Poliwag speaks.


Here is a question: Why does Flyfree listen when Rick says Gust, but not when he says Gust it away?


Overall, it seems interesting, though I felt you could have described the enviroment a little more. Overall: Nice job.

indigestible_wad
3rd January 2006, 2:49 AM
Personally this seems more like a one shot than an actual chapter story. I suppose you must have something to do with it, but in my opinion, these kind of things are only useful for one shots. It wasn't bad by all means, I just don't see how you are going to make a whole story out of this.

Psychic
9th January 2006, 1:56 AM
Here is a question: Why does Flyfree listen when Rick says Gust, but not when he says Gust it away?


Overall, it seems interesting, though I felt you could have described the enviroment a little more. Overall: Nice job.
Flyfree didn’t understand Rick when he said “Gust them away!”. Plus when Rick said that, it distracted Flyfree from the battle so he couldn’t react in time, resulting in him getting hit by the bubble attack.

I’m glad it seemed interesting, at the very least. I wanted to describe the environment more, but firstly, there weren’t many places where I could, but I also didn’t want to give too much away about where the story was taking place.



Personally this seems more like a one shot than an actual chapter story. I suppose you must have something to do with it, but in my opinion, these kind of things are only useful for one shots. It wasn't bad by all means, I just don't see how you are going to make a whole story out of this.
Yea, it’ll be more of the length of a long one-shot than a chaptered fic. I’m not quite sure yet how long it will be, but I just wanted to give a preview.

I think it’ll just be posted in two/three parts; again, it won’t really be a chaptered fic. I mean, that was a preview, not a prologue (although I called it a prologue, not sure why). Well, more of an introduction, actually. :P

I hope you liked it, and will check it out once it’s posted.


~Psychic