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The obliverater
22nd December 2005, 3:11 PM
Ultimate Dojo


Episode one - The Beginning in the region of Sepal

It's about Jetixon finding the greatest of pokemon and Eorick also fufilling his dream and it got new moves new gym leaders the4th generation pokemon and new groups of people. It's not like I don't like a comment but tell me wether it's a good beginning.

“Yes I’m eleven today and that means I finally get my first pokemon,” cheered Jetixon as he got out of bed. Jetixon got changed and run downstairs to share the news.
“Mum why didn’t I go at the age of ten,” asked Jetixon curiously.
“Because you wanted to go on your journey with Eorick your friend remember,” replied Joanna (mum).
“Oh I better get him,” said Jetixon.
Jetixon runs out and finds Eorick also leaving his house.
“Well are you ready to be a trainer,” asked Jetixon.
“Yep! I sure am,” replied Eorick.
The two friends go to Prof. Bortick’s lab to get their pokemon.
“You’re in terrible luck, I’m in a good mood so you can have six each,” said the professor looking quite pleased.
“OK! I will have Treecko, Torchic, Cyndaquil, Totodile, Eevee and Tyrogue please,” said Jetixon.
“And I’ll have the others’” said Eorick boldly.
“Good and oh! I almost forgot both of you get poke-dexters,” said Prof. Bortick as he gave them strange devices. “They are machine pokemon encyclopaedias.”
Jetixon and Eorick come out of the lab to find their now and only arch rival and his two mates. Will they battle is the question we’re looking for.

sorry I haven't finished but I'm working on it.

Yami Ryu
22nd December 2005, 3:18 PM
This has got to be one of the worst previews of a fic I have seen.

Beyond rushed, beyond tacky, over done, abused plot, shallow and trite characters, no description of what the shallow and trite characters look like, pokemon with probably no personalities and just tools. MARY SUE ISM. What is that you ask? Oh, it's when the main character gets rare crap like that, Eevee, or starters like you did. Oh, why should we read it when that's what his team consists of, as he's not going to have to work for anything, as he was given it at the begining.

God, just go read the rules and the advice for aspiring authors stickies.

Brian Powell
22nd December 2005, 3:19 PM
Okay, problems...

1. Wrong forum.
2. Too short.
3. Dialogue problem (please revise).
4. There's no plot
5. I have no idea what's going on.

Okay... to save myself from talking too much, to stop you breaking into tears (probably gonna happen anyway), I'm going to say this...

Without being rude, it's terrible. Fact.

Overall score: 0/5 (I'd give you something below zero but that's the lowest I can get).

Dragonfree, do your thing.