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Eternal Daydreamer
23rd December 2005, 5:06 PM
I've been seeing an increase of preview threads lately, so of course I'll post one of my own. It's about, wait! I'm going to say. You'll have to read the preview to see it.
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The Lost Fantasy

Prologue

The untrimmed hedge rose to the sky in tangles. Ken and Victor glanced at each other nervously. Maybe coming there wasn’t a good idea after all.

The two young boys were brothers. Victor being the oldest at age nine. Ken was a seven-year-old. Both brothers had light brown hair with bright green eyes. Both were wearing the normal dress of the area. Light cotton shirts with denim jeans.

On Victor’s shoulder was a Mankey. The Mankey was a white monkey with brown paws and feet. She nervously sat on her perch glancing at the hedge with brown eyes. “<I don’t trust this place>,” Mankey said.

The brothers were unable to understand Pokemon speech but they understood the meaning of the words. Both humans and Pokemon had a similar way of conversing emotions such as fear. “M-maybe we should, uh, go back to t-t-he village,” Victor said. Ken glanced at his older brother.

“Why? You scared?” the younger brother sneered. Victor glared back, although he knew that his brother was just as scared as he. The brother just knew. It just was instinct and the fact that Ken’s face was pasty white. “So are you,” Victor snapped. “Let’s go!”

Victor was about to turn when Mankey started pulling his hair. “<Something comes! RUN!>” the monkey yelled in his ear. He didn’t listen, but he did hear heavy footsteps running towards them. “Ken, hurry up!”

Ken finally gave in and got ready to run for the nearby road. That is, he tried. A clutched fist on his shoulder stopped him. Glancing up, the younger brother saw a face.

The face looked scary, comforting, and yet evil at the same time. This was achieved because most of the face was covered by a red and yellow star-like mask. His eyes -for it didn’t look female- was a dark brown, almost red. His jaw was firm and the top of the mask was covered by dark brown hair.

Victor stared at the man that was holding his brother still. It seemed that he couldn’t move, neither could his Mankey. The man with the odd face was tall and well built. His hair hung like a mullet down his bare back. The only pieces of clothing he wore was a pair of gray trousers and metal cuffs around both his ankles and wrists.

He suddenly got his voice back. “W-what a-are you going to d-do t-to m-my brother?” Victor asked his voice dry with fear. The man paid only a small glance in his direction.

“Does it matter?” the man asked. His voice was deep, mean, and yet strangely comforting at the same time. “If it does, I won’t do anything to you two trespassers. Yet. All I will do is take you to the Mistress.”

“Who is the Mistress?” Victor asked, Ken could say nothing since he was afraid to speak. The man sighed deeply, it sounded like a volcano rumbling. “She controls reality. She does not take kindly to trespassers upon her world. What She says goes. Her word is law.”

Victor raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t make any sense,” Victor began. “But who are you and what’s your name?”

The man sighed deeply again and replied, “I have several names. One of which only She can call me. One which I dislike. Another which is too beautiful for trespassers like you. But if you need a name to call me, call me Hale.”
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Well, how was it? Was it good? Should I continue this? Should I delete this and forget about it?

PDL
23rd December 2005, 6:11 PM
interesting, but I'd be a bit more desricptive when describing the characters and setting

it's better over all for the fic if you "show" the characters, rather then just "tell" about them.

Eternal Daydreamer
23rd December 2005, 6:14 PM
interesting, but I'd be a bit more desricptive when describing the characters and setting

it's better over all for the fic if you "show" the characters, rather then just "tell" about them.
I understand. I'll try harder. And I try to make it interesting, the closest thing for unoriginality for me are parodies!

Beaniebabie
24th December 2005, 9:04 AM
Ok i think i agree with every one else, just a little more description with the characters and the scenery. The scenery is going to be there in the whole book so you want people to see it really well through out. You know what the old saying is: show us the characters. Give fuller descriptions and more in-depth.

Eternal Daydreamer
24th December 2005, 5:33 PM
Ok i think i agree with every one else, just a little more description with the characters and the scenery. The scenery is going to be there in the whole book so you want people to see it really well through out. You know what the old saying is: show us the characters. Give fuller descriptions and more in-depth.
Ahem. There was just one other person who reviewed this. The other was me, can't you tell?! And I said I will edit this, so if you read my other post, you would know this. And it's just a preview! That and I believe I said this before in one of my stories is: "Descriprition is my worst trait when it come's to writing." I'll work on it.

The main setting believe or not is not outside the hedge, but in the finished product I will describe that scene more.

*slaps forehead* I'm starting to think that I'm the only one who knows who the man and the Mistress is... Although since I'm the writer, it's okay. But I'm also starting to think that no one but me are thinking outside the box on this subject...