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Thread: Lost in the Haze

  1. #1
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    Default Lost in the Haze

    Please read, review, and most of all, enjoy. I would appreciate it much.

    Note: for the music link, click the button that says "here" on the error page that shows up.

    LOST IN THE HAZE

    CHAPTER 1

    When your power is being abused by those who don’t appreciate you, what do you do?

    “Here we stand where just moments ago fire fighters struggled to put out this blaze, which has all but consumed this home. The flames have been conquered finally, but the tragedy is not over.”

    A shot of a weeping mother being consoled by firefighters flashed across the screen.

    “One child was caught in the blaze and didn’t make it out. His charred body is being moved to the morgue. What’s even odder, though, is that firefighters also found the burnt body of a Wortortle just beside the child. It’s not often that you find a water pokemon overcome by fire, which makes this truly a devastating event.”


    Professor Saiko shut the projector off with the remote in his hand. “What we theorized has begun to come true.” A round table panel of distinguished scientists from each region of the world had gathered to discuss emerging pokemon evolution patterns.

    Four years ago, Professor Saiko and three of his peers had come across a wild pokemon in the bush just outside of his office that had both characteristics of its pre-evolved form and its evolved form. The years after this pokemon’s capture and discovery were devoted to intensive research of its genome for irregularities that could be isolated and identified as the causing agents for the mutation.

    At the same time as that peculiar pokemon was discovered, the Pokemon Genome Project (PGP) was completed in Orre. The evolution gene had been discovered in all pokemon DNA: A single chain of genes that remained the same from sample to sample species no matter how different. The variations in pokemon evolution were later accounted for when Saiko discovered that each pokemon’s body has a different way of activating that gene. Some pokemon, thus, are explicably only able to evolve via radiation from an evolution stone, trading, etc. Removing the gene from a few test pokemon rendered them unable to evolve even when trained extensively. Thus, it was dubbed the “e-gene”. These e-gene-less pokemon healed slower, lived shorter lives, and were overall less resilient creatures than pokemon of normal health. In the following years, the e-gene was manipulated countless times and in countless ways to produce genetically enhanced pokemon. None of the new combinations resulted in anything but either failure of the gene all together or the test pokemon’s death.

    Now, three years after the e-gene’s discovery, stories of half-evolved pokemon started to emerge more and more frequently. It was obvious from these natural occurrences that the e-gene could be manipulated successfully and the first to resume experimentation with the gene was Professor Saiko.

    *-*-*-

    four years earlier

    “This is your last chance, Chewy. Make me proud, and use Thundershock!” An eager trainer stood over his Pikachu as the yellow rat stared down an opponent on the other side of the made-for-battling sandbox. A small crowd had gathered to watch these two eager young trainers battle it out for pride, honor, and respect amongst other Pokemon trainers. The consequences of this battle may have been small in some more experienced trainers’ eyes, but to these two starting trainers, there was not much more important in the world right now. Each had wagered a considerable amount of money and neither could afford to lose. The red-headed trainer with the Pikachu wore a dark blue shirt with a red-and-white sphere in the center of it; it wasn’t quite a Pokeball, more an imitation of a brand-name shirt.

    “Alright Marill, use Defense Curl!” The small blue ball of water-infused Pokemon flesh curled up and began to glow a green color as its defensive abilities rose. Pikachu just stood there, slightly embarrassed. David shouted at his Pikachu once again.

    “Chewy, I said use Thundershock!” Resolving that complete inaction was the worst possible choice, David’s Pokemon charged the Marill with a full-force tackle attack.

    “Marill, dodge it!” Marill’s female trainer exhorted. Lucy was a beginning trainer just like David. She sported a full and flowing head of velvet-hued hair and a skin tone slightly tanned. Exactly one month before, they had both been given Pokemon to begin their journey, and both of them had grown considerably in strength. Experiment

    Chewy landed face first in the sand as Marill had dodged his valiant effort at a tackle. David looked at his Pokemon exasperatedly. “What are you doing?! I said Thundershock!” The Pikachu got up and looked back at its trainer with the most pitiful expression.

    “Marill, use Water Gun!” Lucy’s Marill shot forth a stream of water that scored a direct hit on David’s Pikachu. Chewy fainted. The crowd clapped for a moment and then was hushed.

    “What is your problem?! You have to be the worst electric type…EVER! Why can’t you use Thundershock?! You’re a Pikachu for cryin’ out loud! Dammit!” David looked down at his unconscious Pokemon.

    “David, don’t be so hard on Chewy. He needs a good rest. Put him back in his Pokeball.” Lucy was awfully sympathetic to their condition now. David handed her his money and told her to leave. Having no purpose for being there anymore, she began to walk away and the crowd also began to disperse throughout the rest of the battle park. “I hope I see you and Chewy again sometime, David.” She disappeared into the distance as she said this.

    “You’ll see one of us for sure.” David walked away and left his unconscious Pikachu lying in the sand, abandoned.

    * * *
    present time

    11:04 PM, Weather Institute, Independent Laboratory

    Currently, Professor Saiko was on the verge of perfecting his code-named Omnistone: A means of pokemon evolution that worked by causing a pokemon’s e-gene to be excited with a large burst of energy.

    “It’s just what we need to stop this inexplicable plague of mis-evolution.” Saving the schematics for the stone on his work station computer’s hard drive, Professor Saiko handled the stone itself in the palm of his hands. It had been so simply created, but it took his innovative mind to deduce the right combination of radioactive poke-elements and their concentrations. One thing was left to do, though: Give it the activation energy.

    Accompanying Music

    Like some kind of liquid energy, light saturated every crevice of the room, seeping over the desktops and walls until everything was covered in a blanket of brilliance. Caught in the middle of this outpouring of radiance, Professor Saiko stood with his sleeve to his face as the pristine form of divinity embodied began to take shape in the midst of this lustrous valley of revelation.

    “You’ve done well, Professor,” sounded a melodic and profound voice.

    I couldn’t remove the covering from my eyes the light was so intense. Even as I shut them tightly, I felt as if some of that brilliance would seep in and burn them right out of their sockets. As I struggled to understand the meaning of it all, the voice was heard: feeling just as gentle as it sounded as it soothed my mind and relaxed my nerves.

    The omnistone project was taken from me. Not by hands, human or pokemon, but by a force. In seconds, the light faded.


    (Cut Music)

    * * *

    Chris was still awake in Foretree; the thunder outside wouldn’t allow him to go to sleep.

    Looks like I’ll be waiting another year before I’ll be able to get a Pokemon to train with. Too irresponsible, they say. I say, it takes some responsibility to keep up all ‘D’s throughout the entire year! Who am I kidding; I don’t deserve to do anything like train Pokemon and compete in tournaments. I’ll just…I’ll just…I’ll just work at, ah I don’t know. All I can think about is Pokemon…

    The worrisome thoughts that pervaded his mind tired him allowed him to rest even in the midst of the thunderous storm outside.

    --------------

    “Hey. Hey, buddy,” were the words Chris heard faintly. “Chris!” his brother Charlie finally shouted.

    “Huh?” Chris opened his eyes slowly, annoyed. It was summer vacation and, during summer vacation, it was absolutely against all codes of decency and consideration to wake a student at seven o’ clock in the morning.

    “Charlie? What are you doing?”

    “Chris, you have to get up. Dad never came home from work last night, so I came over to make sure you were okay. You’re gonna have to come over until he gets back.”

    He didn’t know it yet, but that day marked the beginning of his journey; a journey more important than most others combined. The days slowly and sluggishly moved past, and no word was heard from Chris’ father. Two days had passed and an investigation called.

    “I need to go help.” Over a bowl of cereal with his brother, Chris’ determination had spiked. He now looked resolutely across the table at Charlie, who had seemingly not heard his comment at all.

    “What’s this about?” Charlie questioned as his focus stayed fixed on the bowl of Froot Loops in front of him.

    “I want to help them find my father,” he restated.

    “Kid, you can’t really do anything right now. We just need to wait for the proper authorities to handle the situation.” With this, Charlie got up from the kitchen table and grabbed his keys from the counter.

    “But Charlie! I can’t just sit here and enjoy my summer while dad’s missing!”

    Charlie turned his head back to face his little brother. Chris was now standing up, milk mustache covering his top lip, caught in the peach fuzz that was his mustache like leaves caught in the bars of a street drain. “Listen, if you wanna help someone, why don’t you do the dishes for me? I mean, you’re not gonna be payin’ any rent, I wouldn’t guess, so it’s really the least you could do.”

    As soon as his brother left, though, Chris headed out to the Pokemon Allotment Center.

    * * *

    “Kid, the season for starting journeys is passed. I can’t give you a pokemon now.”

    “Season?! That sounds like b.s. Just give me a pokemon. My father is Professor Saiko!”

    The patrons of the Pokemon Allotment Center now changed from sly, haphazard eavesdropping to all-out, conspicuous curiosity. Saiko’s kid not being allowed a pokemon? What would be the outcome of this?

    “Saiko’s kid, huh? Well, there’s still no special treatment, kid. Sorry about your dad having been kidnapped, though.”

    “Don’t you understand?! It’s almost impossible to travel out here without one of those critters. Impossible times a million if you’re on a mission, too! You have to help me.”

    “I’ll check my contract later, but I’m pretty sure I don’t.”

    What could he do to make this man understand? Could he make the guy behind the counter feel this sense of urgency that welled up inside of him now? The only way that Chris could think of to help was to start his own search for his father, doing so under the guise of an ordinary journey. What do you do when you’ve done all you know to do and it doesn’t workout? Chris marched towards the door, indignant but resolute. “No matter, I will find him somehow.”

    “Good luck.”

    ---------------------------------------------

    What happened in between the scene with Professor Saiko and the scene introducing Chris?

    What divine presence appeared to Professor Saiko?
    Last edited by billy5772; 2nd January 2006 at 11:14 PM.
    Lost in the Haze The main storyline revolves around a boy named Chris who winds up on a pokemon journey without a pokemon[/conventionality]. He meets a girl named Lucy, who isn't really what she seems. She's quite detached, while at the same time appearing to be warm and friendly. Her true identity and past are amongst the myriad plot twists that make this fic so enjoyable. Alongside their journey, in a different place but intertwined with the main story is a Pikachu who has evolved from Pichu but forgotten how to use electric attacks. The two journies collide eventually, brought together by the appearance of the Haze, a destructive force able to take the form of the legendaries.

  2. #2
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    Hmm, not much to say right now, as it's only just begun. Didn't see many errors, though I'm not the nit picky type. Well the plot's definetly caught my interest, mainly because of the fact that you inserted some seemingly random event of a Pikachu's abandonment, and knowing any well written story nothings random, so I can't help but wonder where it'll go. It's definetly a good start. Can't say I expected less though. No areas I can see that need improvement. Keep it up.
    Pair Up: Shadowfaith, mess with her, mess with me.
    Old Name: Shiny Flygon

    Evidently, I'm back.

  3. #3
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    Pokemon Genome Project
    Why does that sound so familiar?

    it wasn’t quite a Pokeball, more an imitation of a brand-name shirt.
    Inside joke???

    Billy’s Pokemon charged the Marill with a full-force tackle attack.
    Stop using yourself XD

    Billy walked away and left his unconscious Pikachu lying in the sand, abandoned.
    I can see you beign that type of pokemon trainer =P

    It was summer vacation and, during summer vacation, it was absolutely against all codes of decency and consideration to wake a student at seven o’ clock in the morning.
    Here here!


    Hmm, your writing skills have definetely improved! It had a good shock, though jumping around a lot of places at once. Starts off with a fire, sceintific experiment, pokemon battle, sciency stuff again, kids dad is missing, kid wants to start pokemon, kid goes off to find father.... that quite jumpy. The evolution explanation was done well, though I wish you described the half evolved pokemon found in the bush better so we could get a more clear picture what one of these half evolved pokemon looks like. The accompanying music for the Omnistone scene was brilliant and really added to the mood. I take it thats when Professor Saiko disappeared? I take it Billy and Lucy will appear again because their apperance seemed REALLY unnessecary and kinda distracted the omnious mood that was being set. Chris has a nice charachter, though its a bit cliche to be the son of a professor or other famous figure *coughs and whistles* Well, either way your writing is very good, and you definetely have improved. One last thing

    DONT FEAR THE SIX PAGE MONSTER!
    A Championship Battle
    FINISHED: Johto's top psychic trainer and the granddaughter of an Elite Four member go head to head for the Silver Cup championship. Features underused pokemon including Tropius, Slowking, and my personal favorite, Jynx



    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

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    and both of them had grown considerably in strength. Experiment
    You left that sentence off.

    Generally, I see this as pretty good. A lot better than some of the other things I have seen. I can't really say anything about it though, because it hasn't really shown any of the plot so far, only that his father has been kidnapped and he is trying to get a pokemon from someone that probably doesn't have one.

    I like the use of music. It's pretty original. The only thing I have to say is that you didn't put any marker inbetween the prolouge and first chapter. Not htat it's a big deal, but it would probably be a good idea to do.

  5. #5
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    First off, one thing I noticed that you used a lot of telling instead of showing which makes it awfully hard for the reader to get absorbed into. When you avoid the forbidden words in description (words like began, had, was, were, etc.) its just plain description that makes it easier for the reader to picture themselves watching.

    - Isn't it Wartortle, not Wortortle? *shrug* I wouldn't know really though.

    -
    I couldn’t remove the covering from my eyes the light was so intense.
    Run-on. You like semi-colons, use one. :P

    - I'm not sure I understand the importance of Chris not being able to sleep because he knows he won't be able to get a Pokémon scene. Does it reflect to the urgency in a later scene where he needs a Pokémon to save his dad? If not, it's a bit random. Hell, you probably could of just screwed away that entire scene really. It's more important knowing that he can't get one instead of knowing why he can't one in this case I think.

    - Sometimes Chris talks to Charlie like they don't have the same dad. o_O

    - There's some... grand vocabulary just thrown out there. Thesaurus much? :P It doesn't fit your style of writing sometimes. You said it was at that laboratory scene

    Anyways, I'm thinking that the Pokémon in the lab is Chris's Pikachu because Pichu's have trouble controlling their electricty and only let it out during random times. But meh. I like the plot of this fic so far. I'm not sure whatthehell Chris is gonna do, but hey. Wewt.

    LaTeR dAyZ!

  6. #6
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    Well the plot's definetly caught my interest, mainly because of the fact that you inserted some seemingly random event of a Pikachu's abandonment, and knowing any well written story nothings random, so I can't help but wonder where it'll go.
    Yeah, nothing's random. I threw in the Pikachu scene right after talking about the half-evolved pokemon because he was one of them. His story will be a major focus of the fic as well as will be Chris', Lucy's, and quite a few other characters that don't know about each other yet.

    Thanks very much for reviewing, Nylf.

    IK! Thanks for reviewing. David [not Billy anymore. I actually had meant to change that before I posted, but I ended up forgetting...thanks for pointing it out.] and Lucy will show up again VERY soon. Lucy in the next chapter. Their characters are interesting ones and play a big role in the actual plot of this fic. I won't say what that is now, but just know that the theme can pretty much be distilled to "god versus man".

    Thanks for reviewing, indigestible_wad. I edited out "PROLOGUE". That was just me forgetting to delete that before I posted. This is just plain ol' chapter 1. Hopefully, you and others will stick around for this roller-coaster ride of a fic.

    First off, one thing I noticed that you used a lot of telling instead of showing which makes it awfully hard for the reader to get absorbed into. When you avoid the forbidden words in description (words like began, had, was, were, etc.) its just plain description that makes it easier for the reader to picture themselves watching.
    Yeah, I actually had another version of chapter one [which was lame] of the style you're talking about. I had to make a tough decision about the introductory chapter to this fic, though, and in the end I decided to tell because it'd take way too long to show through events. I decided to use chapter 1 to lay the foundation so that I could get on with the part of the story that I want to show, ya know? Subsequent chapters are all about dat showin', tho!

    [QUOTE]I'm not sure I understand the importance of Chris not being able to sleep because he knows he won't be able to get a Pokémon scene.

    I don't know, either! I guess I just wanted to show off his character through his thoughts a little.

    There's some... grand vocabulary just thrown out there. Thesaurus much? :P It doesn't fit your style of writing sometimes. You said it was at that laboratory scene
    I really didn't use much "grand vocabulary", I didn't think. No thesaurus here! I'm guessing you're referring to the lab scene with the vocab stuff? Eh. I wanted that scene to be a bit more descriptive and ominous than the rest of them, so what better way to make a scene in a story stand out than by using words? I promise, though, most of the story is comprised of to-the-point description. No "grand" anything will be used without purpose. I think, in this case, though, it served a purpose.

    Anyways, I'm thinking that the Pokémon in the lab is Chris's Pikachu because Pichu's have trouble controlling their electricty and only let it out during random times.
    Nope! I'm glad you didn't guess who it was, though. That happened once: someone guessed pretty much my entire plot after the second chapter. I tell ya, that's not cool. Not cool. but yeah, the being in the lab will remain a mystery for a little while. it will appear in almost every chapter after this one, though, in a short dialogue scene. Keep guessin' and keep readin', plzzzzzzzz!

    OH yeah, Chris doesn't even know whathehell he's gonna do.

    Thanks for the replies. I really hope you guys stick with this as I'm really excited about the story I have to tell. The next post I make will be an update, so stay tuned!
    Lost in the Haze The main storyline revolves around a boy named Chris who winds up on a pokemon journey without a pokemon[/conventionality]. He meets a girl named Lucy, who isn't really what she seems. She's quite detached, while at the same time appearing to be warm and friendly. Her true identity and past are amongst the myriad plot twists that make this fic so enjoyable. Alongside their journey, in a different place but intertwined with the main story is a Pikachu who has evolved from Pichu but forgotten how to use electric attacks. The two journies collide eventually, brought together by the appearance of the Haze, a destructive force able to take the form of the legendaries.

  7. #7
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    I see bad grammer and spelling all over the place. Do you have Microsoft Word? If you do, then I shame on you! If not, then profread afterwards. At least try to fix the spelling.

    Other than that, plotwise, it's great. The only problem I see is the random jumping from place to place. The problem is not particularly that, but the shortness of each part.

    I give this a 7/10... I think. Either way, I'm interested.

    Created by Reimei.


    Read it! You know you want to!


    So long and thanks for all the fish.

  8. #8
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    You have a nice idea about the Pokemon Genome Project. It is always good to see people come up with original ideas for their fan fictions instead of just a regular trainer starting on a Pokemon journey and get gym badges. I look forward to see more of the strange mutations in your story.
    >insert signiture<

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    Default Chapter 2

    Thanks for the reviews. Here's chapter 2. It's not much for plot advancement but a new and important character is introduced: Lucy. So, really, not much to comment about but mechanics and what you think about her. Hopefully you'll enjoy. And yeah, don't get used to the quiet; it's temporary. Beginning with chapter 3, the action starts and kinda doesn't stop. So stay tuned even if you thought this character chapter was boring (plus, it's only 3 pages).

    CHAPTER 2: RECKLESS GETAWAY

    I am 15 years old, and there is no reason that I shouldn’t already be on my journey, making a name for myself in tournaments. Kiris was trudging his way through thick forest greenery as he made his slow-but-steady escape from Fortree. He had passed the sign that said “WARNING: NOT FOR HIKERS WITHOUT POKEMON” without a second thought and had not been attacked yet. Even though he did not have his own Pokemon, he did have some protection: firecrackers. If a wild Pokemon got too close, he’d just throw one down to the ground and let the crackling noise frighten the Pokemon.

    * * *

    “What do you want from us?” a voice asked from the shadows. Chewy stood up, nervous but determined, and answered.

    “I want you to make me quick like yourselves. I want you to train me in the ways of your stealth.” He was in a cleared patch of the forest with trees surrounding the area, creating a type of leafy dome. From the dome leapt a single Sneasel. A glowing orange oval embedded in the center of its head contrasted with the rest of its completely shadowy appearance. Two sharp white claws protruded from the ends of its arms, and a red feather-like protrusion jutted off to the side of its almond-shaped head.

    Flipping backwards and then quickly lunging forward, the Sneasel tackled Chewy with a devastatingly strong Quick Attack. Chewy fell to the ground and rolled backwards until he stopped, a tree interrupting his motion as his head slammed against it. Dazed and confused, Chewy stood up, squinting with one eye. A bruise adorned his left cheek and dirt was now smeared all over his body.

    “What was that?” Opening his eyes completely, Chewy could no longer discern the figure of the Sneasel that had just attacked him, and he now stood alone in empty space.

    Dropping from a branch directly above him came an unwelcome and unexpected reappearance of said Sneasel. Left claw exuding purple fumes, it slammed its claw into the ground, missing Chewy who had, at the last minute, rolled out of the way.

    “As important as pure speed is defensive speed, or evasion.” With these words, Sneasel commenced with pulling his Crush Claw out of the dirt base of the forest. He seemed to struggle.

    Now’s my chance

    Chewy braced himself, preparing the muscles in his leg, and then dove forward with the strongest Quick Attack that he could muster. Sensing his approach, Sneasel quickly pulled its claw out of the ground and simultaneously somersaulted backwards, propelling itself off of a tree behind it and into the air above Chewy.

    “Be mindful that the opportunities that you perceive may not always be there,” the Sneasel said right before releasing a Shadow Ball that rained down on Chewy like a curse from the heavens. Chewy fainted.

    * * *

    Springing out of the grass with speed made more incredible by the shock it produced in Kiris came a screeching Whismur. Kiris instinctively and nervously reached into his pocket to pull out a firecracker and ended up grabbing a handful. He threw them to the ground and covered his ears as they popped loudly upon impact. The Whismur did not budge but instead started to make loud noises of its own. Teetering back and forth on its two small pink feet, Whismur was beginning to create an Uproar. The sound of the attack pierced through Kiris’ hands and buffeted his ears mercilessly. The intensity of the bedlam caused Kiris to topple over as his hands struggled to cover his ears, and his face, twisted and contorted, showed the agony produced by such a noise. More and more Whismur began to make the horrid noise as well, until there were four of them and Kiris writhed in pain on the grassy floor of the wooded area. His ears were much more sensitive than most and had been this way since birth, and now they began to bleed.

    Like a soothing Tylenol as an answer to a headache, a cool, rushing water swept past Kiris, who now felt as if he was at a beach, just beyond the tide line. The wave overpowered the Whismur, and their uproar ceased.

    “Need some help?” Opening his eyes and removing his hands from his ears, Kiris stared up into the face of his rescuer. She was, from his perspective on the ground, about his height with black, slightly unruly hair that flowed down to just above her shoulders like a waterfall that stopped in mid-air before hitting the river below. She offered her hand to him, but he got up on his own.

    “Thanks…”

    “Lucy. And it’s really not me who saved you.” To Lucy’s side sat a small water Pokemon. Its entire body was plated in scales that were mostly brown but covered in blue spots. Its fins were weak-looking and of the same blue hue.

    “Bas. Feeb,” It said, only now realizing that it in fact did deserve the accolades that were coming to its trainer. The Feebas stared up at Kiris with its wide eyes, now expecting.

    “Well, thanks to both of you then.”

    “I wonder what a small band of Whismur was doing in these parts. They definitely don’t belong here.” Lucy felt her chin in a wise and reasoning sort of way. “Maybe I should catch them; they might be special.” Kiris watched as she took her backpack off and set it on the soggy ground.

    “Well, I better get goin’ then,” Kiris said, scratching the back of his head. Lucy looked up.

    “Okay, blood ears, but don’t expect to be so lucky next time a Pokemon attacks you. If there are Whismur here, there might be Loudred and even Exploud about. And you thought these little pink fellas gave you a headache…hah!”

    “Blood ears?” Kiris felt his right ear with his hand, and then brought his hand down in front of his face. “Aw man!”

    “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” Lucy almost fell over laughing. “This guy’s got blood all on his ears and all he can say is ‘aw man’?!” She tossed him a package of wet cloths to clean his ear with. “You sounded like a kid who just found out there was no more ice cream…”

    “Kiris, the name’s Kiris,” he said, fiddling with the plastic wrap that contained the wet cloths.

    “That’s an interesting name. It sounds like someone’s saying ‘Chris’ wrong. Like, Cheeeeeris.”

    “Hmm…I guess it does,” Kiris responded in a contemplative tone.

    “Hey, don’t worry about it. What are you? Fifteen, Sixteen?”

    “Fifteen.”

    “Well, you only have to live with it for three more years.” Lucy stood up, having found the pokeballs she was looking for. Effortlessly and naturally, she threw four of them to the ground where the unconscious Whismur lay, capturing all of them successfully.

    “And more importantly, why are you out here with no Pokemon, Chris?”

    “I…well, I wasn’t responsible enough to get one, so I decided to just go on my journey and figure that part out later.” Kiris’ foot dug into the soggy grass of the wooded area’s base as uttering his plan had made him realize how silly it sounded.

    “Yeah, well I think I see the irresponsible part. Where’s your backpack? You planning on wearing those clothes for your entire journey?” His dark green t-shirt had been soiled with mud from the forest’s ground and the Feebas’ Surf attack, as had his khaki pants. “Expect to travel alone. What about money, got any of that?” Kiris stared at her a little blankly. “You know, it’s what you would use to ‘buy’,” she made quotation marks with the index and middle finger of her right and left hands, “things.” After a short pause in which no words were spoken, Lucy sighed, resolving to help this lost kid get back home.

    “Alright Chris, let’s get you home. Mom and Dad…” she was interrupted.

    “Nope, just brother. Mom’s dead and Dad’s been kidnapped. I was gonna leave a message for him when I got to the weather institute, but it’s taken me a much longer time to traverse this wooded area than I thought it would. Please, help me get to the weather institute and then Mauville. I need to know what happened to my father and how I can help.”

    “Okay,” she said, caving to his request, “but I’m more of a mercenary than a chaperone. I’m on my way to Mauville anyway, so I’ll take you there for free, but you’re gonna owe me for taking you to the weather institute. Whenever you make some money, that is.” The two headed off on their way to the weather institute.
    Last edited by billy5772; 24th January 2006 at 5:01 AM.
    Lost in the Haze The main storyline revolves around a boy named Chris who winds up on a pokemon journey without a pokemon[/conventionality]. He meets a girl named Lucy, who isn't really what she seems. She's quite detached, while at the same time appearing to be warm and friendly. Her true identity and past are amongst the myriad plot twists that make this fic so enjoyable. Alongside their journey, in a different place but intertwined with the main story is a Pikachu who has evolved from Pichu but forgotten how to use electric attacks. The two journies collide eventually, brought together by the appearance of the Haze, a destructive force able to take the form of the legendaries.

  10. #10
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    Heloooooo Billeh!

    A glowing orange oval embedded in the center of its head contrasted with the rest of its completely shadowy appearance. Two sharp white claws protruded from the ends of its arms, and a red feather-like protrusion jutted off to the side of its almond-shaped head.
    Good description, much better than the descripiton of a Sneasel I did in my one shot XD

    Chewy fainted.
    It kinda hurt my eyes to see the name CHewy used over and over again. Then again, you probably don't want to give hints as to what creature he is

    Springing out of the grass with speed made more incredible by the shock it produced in Kiris came a screeching Whismur.
    This doesn't flow very well

    and now they began to bleed.
    XFD...Sorry that makes me laugh. Bleeding ears *snorts* What, was he listening to Kelly Clarkson?

    “Bas. Feeb,” It said, only now realizing that it in fact did deserve the accolades that were coming to its trainer. The Feebas stared up at Kiris with its wide eyes, now expecting.
    You like Feebas dont you (referring to Beautiful, Broken Soul)

    “Okay, blood ears,
    If she's using blood ears as a nickname, its better as bloody ears. Hehe...Kelly Clarkson XD

    “Kiris, the name’s Kiris,”
    I'm going to have the connation of Chris everytime I see this name

    “That’s an interesting name. It sounds like someone’s saying ‘Chris’ wrong. Like, Cheeeeeris.”
    .....exactly what I thought XD

    “Yeah, well I think I see the irresponsible part. Where’s your backpack? You planning on wearing those clothes for your entire journey?” His dark green t-shirt had been soiled with mud from the forest’s ground and the Feebas’ Surf attack, as had his khaki pants. “Expect to travel alone. What about money, got any of that?” Kiris stared at her a little blankly. “You know, it’s what you would use to ‘buy’,” she made quotation marks with the index and middle finger of her right and left hands, “things.” After a short pause in which no words were spoken, Lucy sighed, resolving to help this lost kid get back home.
    So true! I was wondering what he was doing completely unarmed too




    So, this chapter was a little interesting. I wonder if you're going to start all your chapters with a brief first person paragraph. I liked it when you did that, it sort had a video game feel to it. I'm wondering who Chewy is, probably introduced in CHapter One but I dont want to reraed XD He's prolly a half evolved species. At first I thought it was between Sneasel and Manyula but that would make no sense, besides, Manyula already looked exactly like SNeasel, the artists just drew a big crown on him. I was laughing when kiris's ears started bleeding as you already know, and thought Lucy was nice and realistic. Though if the two become a couple, I swear to God I will kill Kelly Clarkson! I still find the fact hes going off on an adventure to find who kindapped his father a bit cliched and rather immature, but the latter seems to fit with Kiris. The whole fact they're not giving him a pokemon is annoying me though. Writing is good, style has me interested and descriptions/word choices are good.


    Overal,, good job. Try and make your chapters longer though. A good, lets say....18 pages would do!
    A Championship Battle
    FINISHED: Johto's top psychic trainer and the granddaughter of an Elite Four member go head to head for the Silver Cup championship. Features underused pokemon including Tropius, Slowking, and my personal favorite, Jynx



    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

  11. #11
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    Hey, thanks for reviewing. I actually ended up changing his name to Chris anyway. I guess I forgot to edit this chapter before I posted it. Oh well, Lucy's gonna keep callin' him Chris and the narrator just might follow suit...

    Oh yeah, Chewy is the pikachu from the first chapter who couldn't use electric attacks.

    Though if the two become a couple, I swear to God I will kill Kelly Clarkson!
    Now I don't know whether to do it or not...

    There will be insinuations, but this fic is about .000000000000001% about anything like that. There just was no place for it.

    I still find the fact hes going off on an adventure to find who kindapped his father a bit cliched and rather immature
    Yeah, but I had to start somewhere. It gets a lot deeper. And the kid just might not get a pokemon throughout the whole fic...

    I really wanted that pikachu to be more of a main character than a main character's pokemon, so Chris won't be his trainer.

    Writing is good, style has me interested and descriptions/word choices are good.
    Thanks! Well, chapter 3 when I feel like it, I guess.
    Lost in the Haze The main storyline revolves around a boy named Chris who winds up on a pokemon journey without a pokemon[/conventionality]. He meets a girl named Lucy, who isn't really what she seems. She's quite detached, while at the same time appearing to be warm and friendly. Her true identity and past are amongst the myriad plot twists that make this fic so enjoyable. Alongside their journey, in a different place but intertwined with the main story is a Pikachu who has evolved from Pichu but forgotten how to use electric attacks. The two journies collide eventually, brought together by the appearance of the Haze, a destructive force able to take the form of the legendaries.

  12. #12
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    Well if there's even the slightest bit of romance I'm in. Kelly and Kiris. Hmm, the name of the couple rolls of the tongue nicely. Better than Siegfried and Tilana anyway. I feel stupid, who's Kelly Clarkson? And I say go for it with the couple bit, as I made it clear, romance rocks.. The Sneasel definetly sounded the part, the way he spoke made me think of a Martial arts teacher. Overall great. For now keep it up.
    Pair Up: Shadowfaith, mess with her, mess with me.
    Old Name: Shiny Flygon

    Evidently, I'm back.

  13. #13
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    I am 15 years old, and there is no reason that I shouldn’t already be on my journey, making a name for myself in tournaments. Kiris was trudging his way through thick forest greenery as he made his slow-but-steady escape from Fortree.
    IMO, I think there should be some indication that the character is thinking in his head because honestly, that sudden switch from first to third person made me go wtf? I know that you italic thoughts when said thought was left alone... blah. Nuff of that.

    Now one quick question.
    Chewy braced himself, preparing the muscles in his leg, and then dove forward with the strongest Quick Attack that he could muster.
    Sounds seemingly like a complete sentence right? However, does this sound complete?

    Then dove forward with the strongest Quick Attack that he could muster.

    The only time you use a comma before a conjunction is when your connecting two independant clauses, or two complete sentences. If your sentence was something like

    Chewy braced himself, preparing the muscles in his leg, and then he dove forward with the strongest Quick Attack that he could muster.

    Then you would need the comma before the "and" in that sentence. I think you know this already, but you did repeat this mistake several times. Just thought I'd review it for you.

    You do know though that there's nothing wrong with starting a new sentence then using conjunctions to hook this to that right? Or using a different sentence type.

    Again, there was some telling instead of showing, but whatever. You're getting better at avoiding that.

    Springing out of the grass with speed made more incredible by the shock it produced in Kiris came a screeching Whismur.
    Awkward. Reword it a bit. Or take some crap out. Or don't even make it a metaphor. o_O

    Anyways, what I meant by the "grand" vocabulary is that sometimes more simplistic words would fit better in the style and mood that you want to achieve in your fic. So far, I find it to be a bit light with patches of dark showing. Idk. 'Tis my personal opinion on this one. You can use whatever words you want to.

    Oh yeah. Another opinion thing. =X
    Lucy felt her chin in a deductively thinking kind of way.
    My personal opinion, but deductively thinking kind of way is just blah. Much too wordy for my taste. I keep thinking your pounding adverb upon adverb. x_X I be dumb, I know. I also rub my chin when I wanna look like I'm thinking instead of feeling it. o.o

    Anyways, the introduction of Kiris and Lucy was nice. I like how Lucy pointed out all the flaws and how immature it was of Kiris journeying on his own and how she decides to help him - 'til Mauville anyways. Chewy... I wonder wtf he is. o_O And what's going to happen to him.

    Ah well.

    Btw...

    *slaps Iceking* Length doesn't matter. >=O Quality over quantity. HOW MANY TIMES MUST I REPEAT THAT!



    LaTeR dAyZ!

  14. #14
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    This is good. Occassionally, it could get confusing at a few times, but it is still good. Besides the confusion part, the only real problem I have is with the length. Sometimes, I have that problem, but I don't hope you would fix it by having one 20 page chapter like I did one time for an original story of mine. Try to get all of the chapters in the 3-7 page mark and it will be excellent for a Pokémon fic.

    Created by Reimei.


    Read it! You know you want to!


    So long and thanks for all the fish.

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    The Pok&#233;mon Genome Project, eh? Well, it's an interesting theory, and I liked it. Having only read the first chapter, all I can say is that it caught my attention, and you've definitely improved from the last fic of yours I reviewed. ^_^ .. Chewy is just an awesome name for a Pikachu, though Star Wars comes to mind as soon as I hear it.

    On thing, I'm quite sure "Foretree" is spelt "Fortree", but I'll have to check. ^_^ Keep it up, I'll review the next segment in more detail later.

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    Alright, man, I'm actually here! Goodness knows how long it took me, but yeah, 'tis reviewin' time. ^_^

    I'm liking this so far, man. The concept of the Genome Project and the e-gene was very interesting to read and gave a new insight into why Pokemon react the way they do... pretty smart. This was all pretty well written, too; a simple, formal style with just enough detail to allow us to see what you mean.

    But that's not to say I didn't have some (small) problems. First, in both chapters I saw some word repettion. Second, I would have liked to have a bit more about the character's personalities. I dunno, I'm getting that one-dimensional feeling from Chris- er, Kiris and the others that I really didn't expect from you. Hm. Finally, there were some kinda cliche things about, the aforementioned "son of a professor" deal and the whole "dad kidnapped so must take manner into own hands" thing. It just struck me as "been done".

    However, I am liking the chemistry between Kiris and Lucy, and the scene with Chewy recieving lessons was particulary good. I will definitely come back for more of this. Good job!

    The bottom line is basically this: Interesting plot and concepts; a bit more on the character side and ya have a true gem. Good luck!!
    ***

    ~been writing: in (and around) old gyms

    ~been playing: 'wolfenstein: the new order'

    ~been reading: 'I want my MTV: the uncensored story of the music video revolution'- by rob tannenbaum and craig marks

    ~been listening: 'honeyblood' - honeyblood

    ***

    Xbox Live Gamertag: Quackerdrill

    PSN Name: Quackerdrill

    www.twitter.com/quackerdrill



    ~sig v.eight.

  17. #17
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    I agree with some of the others here. The e-gene thing is interesting. A nice twist that I haven't seen before. Also the idea of Chewy being a main character rather than a trainer's pokemon is unique; if handled well could become very interesting.

    One thing I found was the aforementioned kidnapping/rescue cliche. However, it seems that at this point it's fundamental to the story and it does provide some motivation though it seems a bit unlikely for a child to strike out on a rescue mission. Perhaps it would have been better if he went to the lab simply to see why his father hasn't returned.

    So good idea; grammar and mechanics of your writing could be tweaked a bit. Stylistically, somethings could be changed a bit. I found chapter 1 to be a slightly better read.

    (edit-I must've been half-asleep when I wrote this.)
    Last edited by not_awake; 25th March 2006 at 12:45 AM.

  18. #18
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    I read CH.1 and 2, and I find the story very interesting.
    Although i think I noticed 1 error that nobody else quoted.


    Quote Originally Posted by billy5772


    Dropping from a branch directly above him came an unwelcome and unexpected reappearance of said Sneasel.
    The problem here is that, I think you made me confused of whether Sneasel actually said something or not.

    Other than a few spelling errors and grammar mistakes.

    I believe both of you're chapters are very good.
    Hall of Fame Gallery (Will update this as I try to find my old cartridges -which likely need to be replayed or have to buy new ones- and finish the Gen IV and after Pokemon games)
    ---------------------------
    Blue
    Trainer name: Camvzqy (I WAS 6 BACK THEN SO I ****ED AROUND WITH THE NAME! ;-; )


    Silver
    Trainer Name: Xavier



    --------------------------

  19. #19
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    THIS POST CONTAINS CHAPTER 3 after these messages:

    And I say go for it with the couple bit, as I made it clear, romance rocks.. The Sneasel definetly sounded the part, the way he spoke made me think of a Martial arts teacher. Overall great. For now keep it up.
    Well, the couple thing...I don't know.

    Yeah, and it's not often you see a pokemon training a pokemon. I got the idea from the effort value training.

    Thanks for the review, Nylf!

    IMO, I think there should be some indication that the character is thinking in his head because honestly, that sudden switch from first to third person made me go wtf? I know that you italic thoughts when said thought was left alone... blah. Nuff of that
    Fixed.

    Sounds seemingly like a complete sentence right? However, does this sound complete?
    Fixed.

    Again, there was some telling instead of showing, but whatever. You're getting better at avoiding that.
    I thought that was all gone, but I guess not. Well, baby steps, breezy, baby steps. I'll make sure next chapter is even better in that respect.

    Thank you for your input.

    I just want all of you to know that I do take your advice into consideration when I look over my chapters before posting. As far as mechanics, wordings, descriptions and stuff along those lines are concerned. So thanks much.

    Try to get all of the chapters in the 3-7 page mark and it will be excellent for a Pok&#233;mon fic
    Yeah, that's what I've been shootin' for. This last chapter was exactly 3 pages. The following ones will be closer to 4, though. Thanks for reviewing, Mew King.

    On thing, I'm quite sure "Foretree" is spelt "Fortree", but I'll have to check. ^_^ Keep it up, I'll review the next segment in more detail later.
    Oh, thanks for stopping by, SP. I'll check that spelling and edit if necessary.

    I dunno, I'm getting that one-dimensional feeling from Chris- er, Kiris and the others that I really didn't expect from you. Hm. Finally, there were some kinda cliche things about, the aforementioned "son of a professor" deal and the whole "dad kidnapped so must take manner into own hands" thing. It just struck me as "been done".
    Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. It has been done. That's just how it starts, though. I don't know what it is with me and cliched beginnings. I never mean to do it, but it just somehow turns out that way. But, I assure you, just as Worlds Away began somewhat similar to all human-in-the-pokemon-world stories and spiraled into an action-packed fic revolving around themes of destiny, insanity, power, and corruption, so too will this fic become completely and utterly original past chapter 3 at the latest. Stay tuned!

    The problem here is that, I think you made me confused of whether Sneasel actually said something or not.
    Hmmm...I'll have to check that. Thanks for reviewing, Black Emerald.

    Oh yeah, I'd also appreciate not receiving any star ratings...at least not until I've gotten to the story yet.

    Okay, so chapter 3 will see two very important events: one being evolution related, the other integral to the fic as a whole from here on out. And then chapter 4 will introduce...the Haze.

    Here's chapter 3, the last of the "exposition" chapters.

    CHAPTER 3: EVOLUTION!

    “If I can’t use electricity, I will become the best at every other type of move!”

    “And why is that?” the Sneasel questioned.

    “To become worth something. To be worth capturing and using in tournaments. As I am now, no one looking to win would place me on a team.”

    “I see. You can train with us for as long as you see necessary, then. It will take a lot of effort, but I’m sure you’ll find our speed easier to emulate once you’ve traveled with us for a while.”

    * * *

    “So I’ve been training it for beauty, you see. I’ve been feeding it purple pokebloks.” Chris and Lucy walked along the forested pathway to the weather institute.

    “I presume you’re talking about your Feebas?” Chris looked over at his temporary chaperone/mercenary. Something about her made him uneasy. She seemed very detached, but this was understandable as they had known each other for only all of one hour.

    “Of course I’m talking about mah feebas, buddy!” she replied. “I also bred this feebas to be able to use the move Mirror Coat.

    “That’s pretty impressive.” They came up to a large pathway bordered by a lake that ran all the way up to the weather institute. It would’ve been much more convenient to have had a surfing Pokemon take them on its back to their destination, but such a luxury was not theirs.

    “It sure is. Hey, I’ll show ya.” Straying off the cleared path, Lucy wandered into some high grass that lay parallel to their pathway.

    “Go, Feebas!” The spotted fish emerged from its red and white containment, ready to battle. “You can see, Chris, that the blue spots on its scales are very smooth. This is an indication that its beauty rating is pretty much maxed out. At first they looked like sores that would bleed if you poked them, but now look at ‘em! What a beaut!” she said in an Australian accent.

    Chris simply stared on, absorbing the info. Lucy had apparently spotted a target in the tall grass for Feebas to practice its attacks on. As Chris approached her side, the figure of a milky-white, ferret-like creature with brown streaks running down either of its sides and blue eyes was made visible, resting in the grass.

    “Alright, Feebas, use surf as a rude awakening!” Water gathered in front of Feebas and moved forward, finally crashing down on the now-awake Linoone. The irritated Pokemon jumped to its feat eagerly and began to snarl at Feebas. Second guessing itself, Feebas looked back at its trainer with wide eyes.

    “Don’t worry, Feebas. We can do this!” Often times Chris would watch experienced trainers on television fight using such skilled and high-leveled Pokemon as Tyranitar, Charizard, Blaziken, and other upper-tier battlers. Watching this battle between a Feebas and a Linoone, although live, was somewhat anticlimactic compared to what he expected live, middle-of-the-journey battles to be.

    “Attack again with Ice Beam!” The Feebas’ blue spots lit up and its mouth opened to reveal the formation of icy crystals. From its mouth finally emerged the ice beam attack.

    Wow, Chris thought sarcastically as he watched a few flecks of snow pour out of Feebas’ mouth. What a powerful attack…

    Unscathed, the Linoone ran forward quickly and knocked the Feebas over, almost causing it to faint.

    “Feebas, return!” Lucy fiddled around in her back pack. “Go, Heracross!” Within seconds the blue beetle-like humanoid Pokemon, Heracross, appeared from its pokeball. One large horn emanated from the top of its head and two yellow eyes filled with determination lighted its face in the glory of his bravery. “Use Brick Break!” A hard right jab followed by a left one was executed and the Linoone cried in pain as it fell over, exhausted.

    “That Heracross is an impressive Pokemon,” Chris remarked.

    “Heracross, return! I know. Well, we don’t have much time to be sitting around talking. Let’s get moving…AH!” From Lucy’s book bag burst forth a brilliant and blinding white light. It flowed out of every possible space between the threads and through the zipper teeth. She quickly took her book bag off of her back and placed it on the ground in front of them, unzipping it as quickly as she could. All the light of evolution was revealed in its most utter glory as Lucy removed the glowing pokeball from her pack. It whistled loudly, sounding like a teapot full of boiling water, and then the pokeball exploded to reveal a glossily plated sea-serpent, Milotic, where a Feebas had once resided.

    * * *

    In a different realm altogether, above the Weather Institute, was held a conference of sorts: one attendee being the divinity who’d been present at the completion of Professor Saiko’s Omnistone project, and one being invisible.

    In betraying me, you are only betraying yourself. How can you do such a thing?

    “I don’t believe that. We are not one and the same anymore, Theta. I am my own being now. I have separate consciousness.”

    Why do you prize this new found consciousness over your previous state of being?

    “I can’t answer that. I just feel like I’m helping the right side this way.”

    Hmm. It’s a shame how quickly such an able medium fails when drunken with a new sense of autonomy.

    “Drunken with? More so awakened by, Theta.”

    …Your opposition is great.

    “Yes, but so is my reward upon completion.” The divinity that had met with Professor Saiko two nights ago now turned to leave its place overlooking the Weather Institute.

    Hahahahaha, I suppose so, but you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.

    * * *

    “There were many more scientists other than myself who already were on the verge of the same discovery. You can’t stop these stones from being created by taking me!”

    The fog covered the floor of Saiko’s confinement. All else was dark.

    “Well, that’s fine. We will just destroy their ability to make the Omnistone,” the fog proclaimed and it vanished, seemingly being absorbed into the floor and also leaving through the vents. Professor Saiko sat down in a swivel chair near the far end of his confinement and covered his face in his hands, distressed.

    * * *

    One year with the band of Sneasal had proven the most productive of his life, and Chewy had learned sufficiently their speed and their strength. He had become a better pokemon because of this time spent with pokemon more skilled than he once was. It still was not enough, though. He still felt this burning desire to add to his skill so that he might further cover his inability to do what Pikachu do; use electric attacks.

    From that very band of Sneasal, Chewy had learned of a wise group of psychic pokemon who had utilized their advanced mental capacity to teach themselves to speak the language of the humans. Traversing across expansive stretches of land, Chewy slowly made his way to Mauville.

    * * *

    Lucy and Chris had finally made it to the weather center. They had used Milotic as a boat to get there more quickly and more comfortably than by foot. The beautiful sea-serpent waited on the edge of the water as the two travelers walked into the wooded area that surrounded the Weather Institute. The trees about the entrance to the Weather Institue formed a clear path to the front door, in neat and straight rows, looking like the empty armor suits one would see lining the walls of a castle’s hallway. Now emerging completely from the forested entrance, the two stared in awe at how massive the Weather Institute was.

    “Chris, what is your jaw dropped for? Doesn’t your dad work here?”

    “Yeah, but I never come here. I didn’t know it was such a big building.” Large steel pillars jutted up directly from the ground and surrounded and supported the building as well as the blue dome that capped it all off. In the front of the building’s blue dome was a large air intake hole, possibly for weather analysis through atmospheric data interpretation.

    “I just need to use the phone so my brother doesn’t get worried about me. I don’t think he’s seen me for like two days,” Chris remarked, with a kind of nervous expression on his face. He seemed to be further characterizing himself as the irresponsible kid who leaves home without a book bag, extra clothes, and now without telling anyone. He scratched his head nervously as he and Lucy stood in front of the glass door entrance.

    “Hey, kid, you don’t have to worry about what I think of you. I’ll be gone after we get to Mauville. And besides, you’re unlikely to make the same mistakes twice. Maybe being on your own will teach you to be more responsible,” Lucy shrugged. This wasn’t the response he had expected, but Chris loosened up and walked through the automatic entrance door.

    “I’ll be out here with my new Milotic; see ya when you get back.” Chris made his way into the foyer of the weather institute. It had obviously not been designed with guests and tourists in mind as it seemed as if he was walking directly into the work space of the meteorologists and other scientists. The ceiling was quite low for a building of its height, but Chris immediately deduced that it was because there were so many floors. The first floor was well lit, with soft luminescence emanating from the tube-shaped lighting that was attached to the ceiling. Charts and diagrams were aligned on the sides of the walls, the order of which eluded Chris, even covering most of the windows so that the only natural light coming into the room was from the right side of it. Oddly, no people, scientists or otherwise, were present. Chris slowly made his way past the multitude of desks and research stations that were neatly aligned in this first floor room and to the phone that hung on the wall opposite the front door. The alternating black and white patterns tiled onto the floor scuffed under his black sneakers. He didn’t notice the marks they left, though; his gaze was so heavily fixed on the phone, which was partially illuminated by the brightness of the sun outside.

    I’ll just make a quick phone call to mah brother, tell him I’m going to save dad, and be on my way…Chris thought. His face crumpled up a little bit as he realized that it wouldn’t turn out this way at all. That was the third plan in one day that, when given utterance to, sounded ridiculous. Maybe he was as irresponsible as the guy at the Pokemon allotment center had assessed. Standing still in front of the phone, Chris pondered whether to make the call or just go home.

    “You’re not gonna save anyone anytime soon if it takes you that long to make a phone call, kid,” Lucy remarked, having stepped just inside the door of the Weather Institute. He looked into her face, with an annoyed expression on his own, and then turned back to the phone.

    She’s right. This is to save my dad. My journey hasn’t even begun, and already I’m thinking of quitting?! Well, not gonna happen. Prepare to pick up the phone, Charlie!

    “Here, these numbers on the front of the phone depress like so,” Lucy said. She had walked up on him in the middle of his triumphant and determined breakthrough thought and had outstretched her nimble fingers to demonstrate how a telephone works.

    “Right.” Chris picked up the receiver and pressed it to his ear. Then he began to dial.

    “Okay, all set, champ? Good.” Lucy began to walk about the work area and survey some of the diagrams and charts that covered the wall, and also to study the works that lay scattered about on individual desktops.

    The phone continued to ring and Chris stared at Lucy. Something about her carefree personality had piqued his interest.

    Nah

    “Come on, Charlie, pick up the phone,” he whispered to the receiver.

    I guess now’s as good a chance as I’m going to get, Lucy thought.

    “Hey, what’s this?” Lucy had found a small, diamond-sized shard of a brilliantly glowing stone. “It’s a souvenir now, I suppose.” Chris looked over her way.

    “What is that?” Lucy walked up to Chris and then held the small shard up to his face, which was illuminated by the sun’s now-waning rays outside. Being hit by the natural radiance of the sun, the small crystal burst into a million glittering and multi-chromatic rays of light. Like holding a star in the palm of your hand, such was the accurate parallel to handling this strange crystal. Lucy quickly closed her fist around it.

    “Should we keep it?” Chris asked her.

    “What’s that?” Lucy began to feel around in front of her. “Chris, are you still there? All I can see is a bright blue area where you were standing just a second ago.” Lucy began to feign confusion and disorientation by putting her hand right on Chris’ face. “Is that you, buddy?”

    “Come on.”

    “Here, you can have it. Um,…happy birthday?” Chris took the stone and pretended to be more impressed than he was. Holding it away from the light with one hand and holding the phone to his ear in the other, he looked at it intently and then shoved it into his pocket.

    * * *

    On the other side of the telephone line…

    “I’d like to report a missing person.” It had been a weary day for Chris’s brother, Charlie. Searching for his brother had been the sole activity of his Tuesday and Wednesday, and now he turned to the officials who could help. It had been about 48 hours since his brother was missing, and to file a report would certainly aid in the process of locating him.

    “How long has the person been missing?”

    “Since 6:00pm Tuesday.”

    “…”

    “Hello?”

    “…”

    “Are you still there?”

    “…Okay, it’s officially been forty-eight hours. What’s the name?”

    “Chris. He’s fif…”

    “Have you looked around the house?” the operator interrupted. “Some children just get stuck in places and can’t get out.”

    “Um,…no, but it’s not that big a house. I just know that he never came home.”

    “Cabinets? Did you check the cabinets? Some kids hide in them.”

    “He’s 15.”

    “Basement?”

    “…”

    “Dryer?”

    “…”

    “Closets?”

    “…”

    “Did you check under his bed?” A long silence ensued. “Sir, I’m just trying to make sure that we don’t waste our resources. As you know, criminal activity has hit an all-time high lately. We can’t afford to take officers away from investigating Haze’s activities for no good reason. We also are in the process of searching for another missing person.”

    “I understand, but I promise you, my brother really is missing,” Charlie said in a slightly annoyed but understanding tone.

    “Okay, your report will be filed as soon as you give me an accurate description of him.”

    “Well, he’s about five and a half feet tall, give or take two inches. Um,…he’s kinda skinny. I last saw him wearing a blue and gray T-Mac t-shirt and some brown shorts. I think his eyes are black…or a really dark brown or something like that. Listen, I'll fax a picture over."

    ------------------------------------------

    Um...if you want, I can PM you when I update. Just say so in your review.
    Last edited by billy5772; 28th January 2006 at 1:16 AM.
    Lost in the Haze The main storyline revolves around a boy named Chris who winds up on a pokemon journey without a pokemon[/conventionality]. He meets a girl named Lucy, who isn't really what she seems. She's quite detached, while at the same time appearing to be warm and friendly. Her true identity and past are amongst the myriad plot twists that make this fic so enjoyable. Alongside their journey, in a different place but intertwined with the main story is a Pikachu who has evolved from Pichu but forgotten how to use electric attacks. The two journies collide eventually, brought together by the appearance of the Haze, a destructive force able to take the form of the legendaries.

  20. #20
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    Very sweet chapter Billy.

    If only Charlie did not call the police. That way, Chris's call would have reached Charlie's house and that way, he would know Chris is safe. But's that fate, and everybody can't mess with that.

    P.S. Sign me up for the PM.
    Last edited by Ace Kenshader; 28th January 2006 at 1:33 AM.
    Hall of Fame Gallery (Will update this as I try to find my old cartridges -which likely need to be replayed or have to buy new ones- and finish the Gen IV and after Pokemon games)
    ---------------------------
    Blue
    Trainer name: Camvzqy (I WAS 6 BACK THEN SO I ****ED AROUND WITH THE NAME! ;-; )


    Silver
    Trainer Name: Xavier



    --------------------------

  21. #21
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    The only problem I really have is the misspelling of "my". Other than that, you still kept my interest.

    I guess you can sign me up for the PM.

    Created by Reimei.


    Read it! You know you want to!


    So long and thanks for all the fish.

  22. #22
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    Thanks for the reviews, you guys. I couldn't find "my" mistake, lol. I'll fix it when I do. You all have been added to the PM list.

    Next chapter should show up in a week and a half or so. Thanks for reading.
    Lost in the Haze The main storyline revolves around a boy named Chris who winds up on a pokemon journey without a pokemon[/conventionality]. He meets a girl named Lucy, who isn't really what she seems. She's quite detached, while at the same time appearing to be warm and friendly. Her true identity and past are amongst the myriad plot twists that make this fic so enjoyable. Alongside their journey, in a different place but intertwined with the main story is a Pikachu who has evolved from Pichu but forgotten how to use electric attacks. The two journies collide eventually, brought together by the appearance of the Haze, a destructive force able to take the form of the legendaries.

  23. #23

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    Hmm.. reviewing chapter two, here.

    First off, the scene with Chewy in the Sneasel's forest seems a tad.. 'random' to me. He just 'appears' there. I would've liked to see some exposition...like Chewy waking up and deciding that he has to become better, and he remembers something about Sneasel.. or.. I dunno. It just seemed a little too quick getting into the scene, though I quite liked it.

    A fan of Sneasel, I am. ^_^ A big one, too.

    And Kiris is.. an intesting character, as is Lucy and her Feebas. But in that scene when the meet (Deadly Whismur are, yes.) and his ears are bleeding 'blood ears' sounded like an awkward name, and peersonnnally, if MY ears were bleeding, I would not be a calm gal.. and though he might be that way, I think Lucy would've been at least a LITTLE concerned this his ears ARE bleeding.

    Bleeding ears are NEVER a good thing. He probably has a 'broken' eardrum (aka ruptured), and I can tell you that they hurt like nothing else. X.x.. You need to work on a tad of realism here - Kiris here doesn't have a scraped knee, his ears are bleeding... X.x

    Nope, just brother. Mom’s dead and Dad’s been kidnapped. I was gonna leave a message for him when I got to the weather institute, but it’s taken me a much longer time to traverse this wooded area than I thought it would. Please, help me get to the weather institute and then Mauville. I need to know what happened to my father and how I can help.”

    “Okay,” she said, caving to his request, “but I’m more of a mercenary than a chaperone. I’m on my way to Mauville anyway, so I’ll take you there for free, but you’re gonna owe me for taking you to the weather institute. Whenever you make some money, that is.” The two headed off on their way to the weather institute.
    Kiris is acting pretty calmly for his father having been kidnapped.. I find it a little unrealistic here that he can be so.. normal, and say so calmly to a stranger that his father's been kidnapped, and Lucy automatically agrees to help when she doesn't even know exactly what they're up against.

    Still, the training scene was good, and grammar/spelling and such is perfect, and I like your description.. I just think you need to work on a bit of character realism here, IMO.

    Good luck.

  24. #24
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    Yeah, this one's about 3 and a half pages or so. Happy Valentine's Day??

    CHAPTER 4: THE HAZE

    It had taken most of the day for them to complete their journey through the tall greenery that made up route 111, but finally, they had. Now it was night and the sky was peacefully painted a shade of black by the absence of the sun, only partially illuminated by the full silver moon. Quite a small number of stars were sprinkled across the velvet-hued canvas above as they neared the city’s sky, but those stars shone as bright as any other stars would have, as if they were blissfully unaware of their loneliness. Lucy and Chris moved slowly, quietly floating on her Milotic. A small stream that divided the land of route 113 acted was their water-laden path, and they drifted along towards the edge of Mauville, Lucy’s hometown.

    “We used to play along this stream a lot when we were little,” Lucy remarked, with a random but not unwelcome comment, breaking the silence.

    “What, you and your friends?”

    “Yeah,” she sighed as if the memory evoked more pain than joy.

    “That’s nice, I suppose.” Chris really didn’t know what to say, but he spoke anyway. Often times, when this was the case, what he had to say came out sounding sarcastic and insensitive. This time was no exception and Lucy looked back at his face over her shoulder.

    “You know what, nevermind,” she said as she quickly snapped her head back into its former position, facing directly ahead.

    “Huh? Oh, I mean…yeah, I wasn’t saying like ‘that’s nice…not’, I was saying, you know, genuine-like, ‘that’s nice, tell me more’ is what I was trying to get at,” Chris stammered.

    Lucy smirked a little bit, unbeknownst to Chris, who could only see the back of her head.

    “So, how are your friends now?” he asked to prove his interest was not at all of the feigned variety.

    “They’ve all left, Chris.”

    “Ah, you mean like left the town?”

    “Yes, some left the town, others left in other ways…Hey, look up ahead!” Half of Lucy was relieved that a natural miracle had interrupted her tale; the other wished that she could’ve gone on. But now, as they neared Mauville, a dense cloud of fog permeated the area, making the stream and the near ground nigh invisible.

    Accompanying Music

    “Milotic, slow down.” Lucy’s water Pokemon came to a halt in the water, and the three of them floated about thirty feet off the shore of Mauville. Chris waved his hands in the air occupied by a little bit of the fog, and it contorted as if on purpose.

    “There’s something not right about this fog,” Chris remarked scooping a little pool of it in his cupped hand and showing it to Lucy, who now turned around to face him completely. Milotic’s serpent-like body was coiled so that it formed a circular platform for both of them to sit on.

    “Why?”

    “It’s way too thick to float like it does, and it moves seemingly on its own.” Then, Chris slanted his hand downward and let the thick fog flow from it back into the stream. “Let’s not go any closer to land.”

    “In fact, Milotic, take us back a little bit.” The glossy sea serpent backed itself out of the fog. “If not responsible, you sure are observant.”

    In the distance, hovering over Mauville was a large and thick cloud of fog. It seemed to saturate the entire city in its opaqueness.

    “I wonder what’s…” before Lucy could finish her sentence, large flashes of light emanated from the cloud. It was like watching a thunderstorm afar off.

    * * *

    Not being able to catch her breath, Sheila sat up quickly in her bed, wheezing and coughing, trying to inhale. Like a fish out of water, she rolled off the side of her bed and fell to the floor. Slowly, her lungs gained access to the oxygen that they required as she took several, forced deep breaths. She stared upwards; a thick fog had completely filled her room. Gray and opaque, even the bed next to her was almost invisible.

    What is going on?

    Sheila grabbed her pokebelt from under her bed and took one of the pokeballs in her hand.

    “Go, Ninjask!” She tossed the pokeball upwards, and it exploded into a brilliant light, which she couldn’t even see through the fog. Dropping beneath the layer of fog that had claimed the upper five sixths of her room was not a Ninjask but a similarly colored egg.

    * * *

    In the back of the town’s gym, a similar scene unfolded.

    “Go, Magneton!” Wattson’s room had been enveloped in the soupy fog as well, and he was now on the floor gasping for whatever natural air was left in the space. As he tossed the pokeball to the ground, a flash of light followed by a brilliant disappointment emerged as Magneton had been reduced to a pokemon egg.

    The fact was; all of the pokemon in the town had been devolved in like manner. Almost everyone had woken up gasping for air because their houses were filled with this fog that so forcefully declared itself air’s replacement. Now that not one pokemon was left to oppose the mighty fog, it began to retract, drawing itself into the center of the town and concentrating its particles. As the fog left their houses, people got up and peered out of their windows, now noticing a figure taking shape in the center-most street of the town. The figure became more and more recognizable, standing on four feet and being the height of a grown man. Its body took on the basic shape of a large dog with shaggy fur and a flowing, cloud-like mane that graced its back.

    “That looks like…” The large beast had no color, still looking like concentrated fog, but was just as intimidating as the real thing: Entei. It let out a loud roar and its body burst into flames. With a blinding flash of destructive fire, the beast tore through the homes that lined the center streets, charring each of them completely. Its power was amazing, even surpassing the power of the actual legendary dog of fire. Having caused adequate destruction, the beast began to walk towards the stream that ran into Mauville from route 113.

    * * *

    Accompanying Music

    “Lucy, turn around.” Lucy had been facing Chris, waiting for the fog to clear before they approached the town. Now the legendary mockery approached their point in the stream, seemingly walking on the water towards them.

    “Oh my god, Chris, what is that thing?!” Lucy shivered, having turned around.

    It breathed heavily and then emitted a sound that echoed like thousands of voices at once. “It is time for you to give me your power. Devolution Beam!” The colorless indentations in its face where its eyes should have been began to glow black, and two beams shot forward towards Lucy’s Milotic. The Milotic braced itself, preparing to be severely injured if not destroyed. Chris’ eyes widened as he, too, faced annihilation.

    As doom stood on their proverbial doorsteps, as the night sky watched obliviously, and as an evil creature of unknown origin prepared to destroy them, a blinding light shone forth from Chris’ right pocket. Chris quickly reached for its source and took it out of his pocket, holding it up with his hand. The shimmering stone that they had found at the Weather Institute had reacted to the assault by giving off a myriad of colored rays that now engulfed the entire area. It whistled a high-pitched tone as it neutralized the black beam coming from the fog beast.

    “Ahhhh!” The beast unwillingly dispersed into the thick fog that it had been before and then quickly ascended to the sky. The stone then ceased to shimmer and the night resumed its almost complete blackness.

    Unexpectedly to Lucy, Chris passed out and fell flat. Before he slipped off of Milotic and into the stream, Lucy caught him by the arm.

    “That was an awfully loud noise, wasn’t it?” she questioned him even though he was obviously unconscious. “Well, let’s get you to the town.” She ordered Milotic to surf forward, and Mauville, now mostly destroyed, came into view.
    Lost in the Haze The main storyline revolves around a boy named Chris who winds up on a pokemon journey without a pokemon[/conventionality]. He meets a girl named Lucy, who isn't really what she seems. She's quite detached, while at the same time appearing to be warm and friendly. Her true identity and past are amongst the myriad plot twists that make this fic so enjoyable. Alongside their journey, in a different place but intertwined with the main story is a Pikachu who has evolved from Pichu but forgotten how to use electric attacks. The two journies collide eventually, brought together by the appearance of the Haze, a destructive force able to take the form of the legendaries.

  25. #25
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    Billy, you need to tell me when you write a new fic. oO; I rarely ever visit this forum anymore.

    Well, you've done it again, Billy... Stolen my idea, that is. XP A Pikachu that can't use Electric attacks? I wanted to write a fic about that someday. ;.; Do you read minds or something?

    Anyway, a very interesting story you have here. Cool plot, I like the idea of "half-Pokémon". The characters are all very interesting, especially "Kiris" (How'd his name change anyway?) and Lucy. I like the detached sort of mood you give to the writing. It really is as if the reader is lost in a haze. Good use of different perspectives. I actually didn't find the story that hard to follow, even with all the scene switches. It's probably because they're all so completely opposite each other.

    One question: Where the questions you asked after the first chapter part of the story itself? If so, I thought it was brilliant. It was a great new tool that helped heighten the sense of mystery and reminds the reader of how much they really don't know at that point in the story. It leaves the reader speculating on the answers to those questions, and later development can prove their views to be completely mistaken. Some questions could even completely throw them off the right track and keep them from looking to find what really happened. Gosh darnit, now I want to apply the same method to a fanfiction. 8)

    In conclusion, you've got a great story with tons of potential on your hands here. I look forward to reading more. ^^


    ~*~
    epona, epona, soba ni oide,
    futari de ireba, kanashiku nanka nai
    dakara, epona, koko ni ite
    watashi no uta wo kiiteite ne



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