View Poll Results: How was my first try at a one-shot?

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Thread: Confessions at Midnight (one-shot)

  1. #1
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    Default Confessions at Midnight (one-shot)

    Disclaimer: The characters in this fan fiction are not and sadly never will be mine. In fact they belong to the creators of the Pokemon Colosseum game, and so I must be burdened with giving them some credit. Anyhow I hope you enjoy!

    Notes: This is my first one-shot fiction so give me some credit. It’s also my first shippy fiction so give me some credit there too. Um anyway I do hope that you at least like it a little bit and well . . .yeah. Uh . . .the rating for this fiction is probably PG or PG-13. I’m not sure which but it is kindda romance and there will probably be some cursing. No blood or gore though and so it’s most likely PG. Again, I hope you enjoy this! Please give me any help you could offer too! Also this will be told from Rui’s point of view. Thought you might like to know.

    Confessions at Midnight (Colosseumshipping one-shot)


    I sighed heavily and leaned back in the wooden chair that had been moved near the computer that I had been using just a few moments ago. I looked at the ceiling and then closed my eyes. Flashbacks came back to me at random, and I was forced to again open my eyes.

    “Wes . . .,” I said as I sat back up and turned to look at the rest of the room that was left to me alone. “I have to see you again.” I knew I was speaking to no one but it had to be said, and this was the reason that I had been sitting in front of the computer for hours on end. I had been typing a message to the one whom I loved so dearly.

    I looked over at the screen once more to reread what I'd written so that I’d know if I really did want to send this message to him or not. I had typed thousands it seemed but this is the one that seemed closest to being perfect. What it said was:

    Wes . . .I know I said that you could leave after you caught the last Shadow Pokemon from Chipper, but there is one last thing I need to say to you. Meet me by the fountain in Pheanic City at midnight tonight.
    ~Rui

    I smiled. “Yes. This should work. I’m sure it’ll convince him to come . . .or at least I hope it does.” I looked out the window to see the fountain in the middle of the city. I yawned and turned back to the computer once more. After telling it to send the message to Wes’ P*DA I went over to the small bed and flopped down. “I should be able to get some sleep in before he comes,” I mumbled to myself. “Mmmm. . .I must be going crazy if I’m talking to myself this much,” After that I fell to sleep dreaming of what would happen when he did come, and believing that every second of it was real.

    I was standing by the fountain all by myself. Dash wasn’t even there running around the fountain with his Castform tagging along behind. I looked around the city and then I checked my watch.

    “A quarter after,” I mumbled. A cool wind blew past me lifting some sand into the air. Once it cleared I saw him, the man of my dreams. I smiled from ear to ear and called his name in the high-pitched voice that always seemed to get on his nerves somehow, but this time he didn’t seem to mind.

    He smiled, which was quite the rarity with him. You were more than lucky if you were graced with one of his smiles. “Rui,” he said my name so quietly that I wasn’t even sure if he had said it or if my mind was playing tricks on me.

    I hesitated then said simply, “Yes, Wes?”

    “I have something that I’ve wanted to say to you, too.” He began to walk over to where I was standing. Once by me he literally whispered into my ear, “Rui, I love you.”

    I gasped and my face burned slightly out of embarassment. “I love you too Wes,” I said back.

    I then realized that his lips were nearing mine. They were almost close enough to feel. They were soon mere millimeters away, and it seemed to be taking years for them to come in contact with mine.

    Just then I jolted up. I looked at the digital clock that was sitting on the computer table. Once learning that it was about a quarter til midnight I stood up and stretched. “I should probably get out there before he gets here,” I noted and then realized that there was a little pop up on the computer that I had been using. I walked back over and, yet again, sat down in the hard wood chair.

    I smiled with joy once I found out that it was an e-mail from Wes. I opened it and read:

    Fine, I’ll be there but if you’re not outside by the fountain when I come I won’t stay. What you have to say better be important.

    -Wes

    “All the more reason to go outside now then,” I whispered to myself. I hurried out of the Pokemon Center and down to the fountain in the middle of Pheanic City.

    I looked up at the sky and saw that the stars were out tonight along with a full moon. I smiled. “It seems that nature has set a romantic mood for us . . .” I looked at the entrances that allowed people to come and go as they pleased, but there was no Wes to be found. Like in my dream I was alone without even Dash to keep me company.

    I sighed deeply and sat on the edge of the fountain and waited. After what seemed like hours I checked my watch and saw that it was five after twelve. “Late again I see.” I decided to occupy myself by wording in my head how I’d tell him how I felt, but each one was turned down for one reason or another. Finally I just went to counting the stars in the sky, which didn’t last long.

    I heard a familiar sound and realized that it was Wes’ Speeder. I smiled. True he was late but he had kept his word and come to see me. After parking his Speeder somewhere outside of the city he began walking towards me. My heart began to race because I now knew that I had to tell him before he left. From what I could tell this might be the last time that I would ever see him.

    As he walked toward me he spoke. “So, Rui. What did you want to tell me that you thought was so important?” His voice hadn’t changed at all. It was still as cold as it had been when I first met him here in Pheanic after he saved me from those Chipper thugs.

    I took a deep breath. “I . . .I just wanted to tell you . . .how . . .how I feel,” I stammered. 'Great! Now he probably thinks that I’ve become a babbling idiot!'

    He cocked his head like a confused puppy. “You just wanted to tell me how you feel?”

    I nodded. “Yes. I. . .I wanted to say that. . .that I love you Wes!” My face began to burn out of embarrassment, and Wes’ face also flushed a bit. Now I was the one who was lost.

    “You’re serious . . .aren’t you?”

    I nodded again. “I wouldn’t lie about something like that,” I said almost at whisper level, but he seemed to have heard.

    He again started walking over to me. Once by me he sat down and literally whispered in my ear “I love you, too.”

    My face burned more and I turned to him and said, “Really, Wes?”

    He nodded and smiled his rare smile. Being granted such a sight made me blush even more. Then the most amazing thing happened. He closed his eyes and his lips began to come closer to mine. It took me a minute but I realized that he was going to kiss me. I realized that this was a lot like my dream, but the Wes in my dream was much nicer. I didn’t care though because I was going to receive a kiss from the man I loved most.

    His lips became closer and closer to mine each second, but it still seemed to take years for his to touch mine. Then it happened. I was weightless for a minute and then I returned to Earth. I finally felt whole and I’m sure he did too because his smile was still there.

    I then realized that he had been giving me clues all along even if he never spoke much. Allowing me to come with him, and saving me from so many things. It was obvious now, yet I'd been to thick to notice. Still, I’m glad I know now, and if anything ever happens to me or if I just want a simple favor I now know that he’ll be there if I call.


    So . . . . .was it good for a first try? I think I may make more of these but I wanna know if I did at least well on my first attempt. Please tell me and I’d love to know things I did wrong . . .forgot what that was call . . .oh! Creative criticism or something likes that. Yeah . . .I feel dumb . . . .
    Oh and I know it's short. Sorry if it seems too short.
    Last edited by Angelic Elf Ivy; 8th January 2006 at 5:17 AM.

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  2. #2
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    Why thank you!
    So nither of you saw anything wrong with this?
    ^_^ Awesome! Wonder what other people with think.

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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pikachu Fan Number Nine
    I have to say this is awesome, I too am a Colosseumshipper and this is the best Col-ship one-shot I ever read.
    Thank you. This is my first one-shot too! I can't believe I'm getting such awesome reviews on this! ^_^ *is overjoyed*

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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Meganium XD
    That...Was...Awesome!!!

    I liked it a lot! So fun to read ^_^;; Keep up the good work!
    Thank you so much! ^_^

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  5. #5
    Roague Guest

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    Nice story. It is short but a good first attempt. I did find some errors. Maybe you could find someone to beta-read your stuff before you post it.

    Flashbacks came back to me out of random - change "out of" to "at"

    yet again open my eyes - drop "yet", it's redundant

    left all to me - this seems awkward to me, perhaps try "left to me alone"

    reread it once again - this is also redundant, maybe better as "reread what I'd written"

    In the middle of Pheanic City. - redundant, I'd just remove this sentence

    before he comes . . . - no reason for the continuence just end this as a complete sentence

    myself this much . . . - same as the last

    cheeked my watch - checked my watch

    A quarter after. . - no need for continuence, make a complete sentence (actually a fragment but you have a little license with that)

    on his nerves some how - on his nerves somehow

    out of embarrassment - out of embarassment

    hurried out the - hurried out of the

    and that allowed - that allowed

    but no Wes - but there was no Wes

    I see . . . - no need for continuence, complete sentence

    I then heard - I heard

    and soon realized - and realized (just general wordiness)

    that I ever see - that I would ever see

    where he saved - after he saved

    Great! Now he probably thinks that I’ve become a babbling idiot! - I'd italicize this to denote thought.

    “You’re serious . . .aren’t you.” - end with a question mark

    to see such - such ("to see" is a bit wordy)

    more still - still more or even more

    I then realized - I realized

    became closer - came closer

    I then realized - I realized (again )

    It was obvious now yet I was to thick to notice. - It was obvious now, yet I'd been too thick to notice.

    I hope that helps. Keep writing!

  6. #6
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    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by Roague
    Nice story. It is short but a good first attempt. I did find some errors. Maybe you could find someone to beta-read your stuff before you post it.
    Thanks for pointing those out. I've corrected them with help from you, and no. I
    think I'm fine but if anyone wants to I'd be glad to give them the job of doing so.
    Quote Originally Posted by Roague
    I hope that helps. Keep writing!
    It did help! Thank you Ro! Why wouldn't I keep writing? It's like a second nature to me now. I love to write. In fact that's why I made this. I love colosseumshipping and I was getting bored of not having posted a fiction in a long time so I made and posted this. It makes me so very happy that so many peoples seem to like this one-shot fiction that I made. *elf ears perk up* *smiles*

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  7. #7
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    Well, whaddya know! Anotha well written story by Ivy. Didn't see that comin.

    You're a great writer and I hope you keep writin! Maybe one day I'll be as good as you!

  8. #8
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    So. . .many. . .good. . .comments. . .*dies*
    *wakes up* This is so cool! I seriously wrote this thinking that everybody would hate it! Ain't I the positive thinker!

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  9. #9
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    This isn't bad for your first one-shot. There were a few grammer mistakes but if you look over it, you'll find them. There's not really much else to say about this one-shot. It's wonderful! ^.^
    My little twin: Myuuvuirocon (or Mooky for short =3 )

    Originally Posted by Myuuvuirocon
    and yea everyone wants to beat him up....that makes me tickle all over=3
    There's a flip side to everything.

  10. #10
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    Awsome detail, I loved it!
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  11. #11
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    Thank you all! I'm really glad that you all liked it! ^_^

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  12. #12
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    Hey! I Think that was one of the best fics you've written. But seeing as all the other Fan fics you wrote are awesome too, so I'm not suprized that this one is so great!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dragon_Master24
    Hey! I Think that was one of the best fics you've written. But seeing as all the other Fan fics you wrote are awesome too, so I'm not suprized that this one is so great!
    Thanks! The other fics are gone for now too. T_T They will come back though! I'd never keep them away forever.

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  14. #14
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    The Sunggle Furrets all agree. "It is a warm and Fuzzy suspence/angst One shot. Ivymoonrose has great Ideas and should continue putting them out."- The Furret Review

    Posting more later sounds like a good idea to me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pixyperson
    The Sunggle Furrets all agree. "It is a warm and Fuzzy suspence/angst One shot. Ivymoonrose has great Ideas and should continue putting them out."- The Furret Review
    *eye and elf ear twitches* Ok then. Glad you like it. . . .*hides* I see snuggle furrets!

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  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by cutiej_giirl
    It was awesome!
    Why shanks! ^_^
    *is overwhelmingly happy because of all the good reviews and comments*

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  17. #17
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    It was a good read. I can picture what the characters were doing with their actions, what they’re feeling and such.

    One of the negatives is the punctuations. See this one?
    “Wes . . .,”
    There was no need for a comma(,) at the end of that speech and there was no need for any spacing for each full stop. I think you ought to turn it into something like this…
    “Wes…”
    Plus there were times where you place too many full stops in each paragraph. For example:
    I heard a familiar sound and realized that it was Wes’ Speeder. I smiled. True he was late but he had kept his word and come to see me. After parking his Speeder somewhere outside of the city he began walking towards me. My heart began to race because I now knew that I had to tell him before he left. From what I could tell this might be the last time that I would ever see him.
    When you have paragraphs like these, you get the feeling that you’re reading a kindergarten story book, which is quite odd. Try to increase some sentences using commas and such.

    I was going to check for errors as well but Roague beat me to it.

    Overall: 3/5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brian Powell
    It was a good read. I can picture what the characters were doing with their actions, what they’re feeling and such.

    One of the negatives is the punctuations. See this one?

    There was no need for a comma(,) at the end of that speech and there was no need for any spacing for each full stop.

    When you have paragraphs like these, you get the feeling that you’re reading a kindergarten story book, which is quite odd. Try to increase some sentences using commas and such.

    I was going to check for errors as well but Roague beat me to it.

    Overall: 3/5
    I see but don't you think Roague would have noticed those too if they really were wrong? Plus I have Mocrosoft Word and it thinks that the comma at the end is right and the spaces between the periods are right so yeah. And I'm sure Ro would have noticed the paragraph if it were really like that.

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  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by dfarrar6342
    Ivy, your fic is awesome! It doesn't suck at all!^__^ *votes "great" on poll*
    Thanks. ^_^

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  20. #20
    dfarrar6342 Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivymoonrose
    Thanks. ^_^
    You're welcome!

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    I enjoyed it a lot, my only qualm was it was a bit short.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eeveetrainer
    i l-o-v-e-d this fic! it was so good!
    Thanks! ^_^ So you didn't see anything wrong? Wow. Heh. Still got it set in my mind that my fic sucks even though every one loves it. ^^;;

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  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Angel-FoX-crescent
    Awesome ^^
    Thanks, Angel-FoX. Glad you liked it. ^_^

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