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Thread: The Ties that Bind (One-Shot)

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    Default The Ties that Bind (One-Shot)

    This is an Original Trainer One-Shot (or you can consider it a short story) and it's rated PG. I realize it's written in an uncommon POV and tense, but please don't let it drive you away before you read it and find out for yourself.

    You have no idea how appreciative I'll be for any critique/thoughts/opinions, etc. for this fic. It's a totally new style that I've never tried, and I'd like to know if it's successful or not. Please note this is a character centered piece, even if it doesn't seem so much so at first. ^_^


    The Ties that Bind

    by: Saffire Persian

    ~They say that Time will eventually heal all wounds; but people tend to forget the deep, everlasting scars it leaves~

    The noise the crowd is making in the stands is almost deafening. You turn your head to glance at rows of avid fans, smiling for a moment – but only for a moment – before you turn back to meet your opponent’s gaze. Again, you can’t help but marvel at the fact that you’re here, you’re finally here! Through the blood and sweat and constant toil, you have finally made it to the final battle that will ultimately determine who will be the next Champion.

    The journey to get here has been difficult, but it has been worth every bead of sweat and sleepless night. Even the Elite Four were just another obstacle in life's road -- just another roadblock you had to overcome. And here you are now: one last stop before that dream is realized, perhaps becoming reality.

    Because right now (you feel as if you are in a waking dream, and you hope to never wake up) you are facing off against the current Champion in a battle that has, as of yet, not been disappointing. After a spectacular double knockout you are both down to your final Pokémon. The sixth and the last. You are tied, and you know that even if you lose, you will not be disappointed. In your hand, the pokéball that contains your last contender – your final hope and light – is clutched, waiting to be summoned. He is the first Pokémon you ever received; you have been with each other since the beginning. He's trustworthy and loyal; you know he’ll never let you down. He never has.

    The Champion, out of courtesy, is going first, though it doesn’t really matter who goes first now. The red and white ball flies through the air, erupting in a flash of white light. Out of the light, a giant verdant creature appears, a giant flower spread across her back, while a long, steady grin emerges on her long face as she stamps the ground in challenge. You smile and fancy you can feel it tremble.

    The Venusaur doesn’t daunt you – very few things in battle do now. You’ve seen just about everything. You only grin and, tapping the center of the pokéball once, you throw it out into the battleground. In a bright flash of evanescent white, a draconic figure emerges. Tough and vibrant, with a long, flamed-tipped tail that is lit and flickering, the Charizard surveys the crowd; it takes him a moment to react. He looks back at you first, with an obvious tinge of amusement in his black eyes, then to the giant Venusaur in front of him. He snorts as if this battle is nothing (though you both know equally well that is anything but nothing), and with a loud roar, he sends a long thread of dark flame into the sky: his battle cry.

    The Champion gestures for you to make the first move, and you take it.

    “Fly!”

    He roars once before bolting up into the blue noonday sky, wings spread wide, each flap taking him higher and higher, until his body is finally in front of the sun, so it’s harder for the opponents below to see him.

    The Champion is not a Champion for nothing; he does not hesitate. "Solar Beam."

    Nor do you. "When the Venusaur uses Solar Beam, dodge it and dive."

    He prepares for it, his wings slanting in expectation, and you know he’s ready to dodge. Moments later, the Venusaur releases the beam of concentrated light, and then he dives, evading the Solar Beam by mere inches. He is forced to continue his downward course as the Venusaur moves to direct the Solar Beam to the left, trying to score a hit before the energy runs out.

    “Slash!”

    The beam begins to fade into nothing more than a few harmless yellow waves. And your Charizard, heartened by this, picks up speed, bellowing in challenge. The Venusaur is too slow and large to even try to evade the attack, and hasn’t yet had time to regain her breath.

    Sharp, pointed claws rake across the Venusaur’s tough skin and fragile foliage, leaving deep scratch marks and ripped pieces of leaf and petal in their wake. Your Charizard then cranes his neck as he flies past and spits out a small Flamethrower for good measure. You hear him grunt in satisfaction as the Venusaur cries out in pain, her roar as deep as an earthen drum. Your Charizard begins to ascend, so he does not see the thick vine that emerges from the Venusaur’s body until it is too late.

    With a harsh crack, the tough vine wraps around your Charizard’s ankle like a whip, and with a tough, vengeful jerk she brings the Charizard back to her own level – face-first. It’s the Venusaur’s turn to grunt in satisfaction as your Charizard struggles to rise. He is too close to the Venusaur for your own liking, now only a foot away from the green behemoth, the vine still securely wrapped around his leg.

    A plethora of vines then burst out from all around the Venusaur’s body (how it’s even possible she has that many is an amazement to you) just as your Charizard picks himself up. You know you have to fend them off before it gets worse. Some of them are already beginning to curl around the lower half of the dragon’s body.

    “Ember!”

    The quick attack is spit out – the tiny, blackened shards of fire fending off the rest of the green appendages for now. The Champion sees this, and he meets your eyes. You know what he is going to do without trying. You would do the same in his place.

    “Stun Spore.”

    But you are going to try to stop it. “Flamethrower!”

    A thick cloud of yellow, paralyzing powder is sent forth in a giant cloud that surrounds both Pokémon. So thick is it, you can barely see your fire-type through the haze (it then strikes you how desperate the Venusaur must be to conjure up such a copious amount).

    The Stun Spore is already beginning to disperse into the air, and now you can see enough of your companion’s body to watch him raise his head, open his lethal jaws, and inhale deeply –

    But he stops in mid-breath, and you can hear a raspy sort of sputter come from him. The paralysis must be taking hold. Meanwhile, the Venusaur seizes her chance. Green appendages hiss as they cut through the air. They are all around him now: his arms, his legs, his torso… some are even curling about his neck, preparing to constrict and strangle.

    (You face flushes in anger at this, and a bunch of expletives cross your mind, but you do not say them. You also think the move the Champion is using is low, but the referees say nothing about it, so you say nothing, but your mind is raging… But you will take care of that later. What matters is the here and now: you cannot let the Venusaur continue. )

    You call out to your Pokémon by name (not his species name, but the true name you gave in Viridian Forest, when you and he first became acquainted). You know he hears you, and you cry out, voice desperate and pleading. You cannot allow the paralysis to take hold just yet. You can’t.

    “Flamethrower! Please! You have to use it!”

    He hears your desperation – you know he does. The lungful of air he had taken in previously is released along with a torrent of white-hot fire. Nothing is held back. The flame washes over skin and plant like a giant tide, burning away many of the vines that cross the Flamethrower’s path towards the Venusaur’s face, where it hits with all the possible fury the Charizard can muster – and he does not stop there. The fire flows out of the dragon’s throat until he can exhale no more and the smell of burned flesh mingles with the smokey, spore filled air.

    The Venusaur is still standing. The vines that have not been severely burned still hold tight around their quarry. The Venusaur is weary but alive, and it's only then you notice the she was channeling the sun’s rays into energy meant to heal and restore, though in this case it merely kept her conscious with enough energy to carry on.

    You curse aloud, watching as your Charizard succumbs to the paralysis, body twitching as he tries to move his limbs but can’t. He can’t fight off the vines that now are twisting around his neck in order to stop him from breathing fire.

    The audience has hushed. No longer do you hear the excited screams and cheers for both sides. Only silence. And out of the silence, you hear the Champion speak, his eyes glimmering like ice while his tone is just as cold.

    “Hold him down. Use Solar Beam. Don’t hold back.”

    The vines constrict, but that is not what you are most worried about: it is the flower upon the Venusaur’s back that you are most concerned over. Already the center of the flower is filling with the sun’s rays, glowing with a horrid white-yellow light. The going is slow, thankfully. You can see the grass-type is straining to gather each essential bit of energy for the final attack that will, if it’s not stopped, bring about the end of the match – the end of your dream.

    (And you don’t intend to let your dream go so quickly. Not after you have come this far.)

    The only way to win is to stop the attack from charging, and fast. The Venusaur can’t hold out for much longer. Another strong attack might be enough to knock the beast out for the count. First, though, you have to get your Charizard to move. You know some of the bonds that hold him are fragile, weakened by fire’s burning touch.

    (Don’t give in without a fight.)

    Taking a deep breath, you shout out his name again and you can see him strain his head to look at you; his pupils are constricted, like a cat’s. Your eyes meet his ruby ones and you nod your head, only once.

    True fire might not be an option now, but you can still settle for the next best thing.

    “Dragon Claw!” you shout. “Finish it!"

    With agonizing slowness, your Charizard begins to strain against his bonds. One of his claws is now surrounded by a pale green nimbus, and the vines wrapped around it recoil, loosening, while he strives against the bonds that hold him. (They are not strong enough to push him away.) Then, mustering the last of his strength, your Charizard strikes.

    Green flames dance over the surprised plant-type, setting the already burned foliage alight with dragon-fire, while merciless claws dig into the already burned, tender skin in a last desperate attempt to snatch victory out of the claws of chance.

    Then, as soon as it began, the attack is over. The Venusaur is swaying while your Charizard doesn’t move from his upright position.

    Vines loosen. The Venusaur teeters dangerously on her feet until she can keep herself conscious no longer and slumps onto the arena floor and moves no more. The vines fall away and your Charizard is given room to breathe. A few seconds of respite are all you’re given before the referee is forced to give judgment. The noise of the crowd erupts anew, drowning out the sound of the referee’s voice. But what has just happened is clear: you are the new Champion.

    Another few seconds go by before you fully comprehend what has just happened. But when it does, it hits you like a brick. Your heart shoots up in your chest, and you think for a moment it just might leap out as the euphoria swells deep within you. Only the feelings of self-consciousness keep you from jumping up and down in your trainer box – that and the fact your Charizard still hasn’t moved.

    You find it strange that he isn’t up beside you. He may be paralyzed, but that hasn’t stopped him before. You notice his tail flame is low – dangerously low, and though he may be on his feet, he hasn’t moved, not even to shrug off the limp pieces of vine that have not fallen off his body.

    It is then you first know something is wrong.

    The noise of the crowd lessens while the sound of your own heartbeat magnifies a hundredfold. You stare, eyes concerned. You call out his name to see if he’ll respond.

    He only turns his head to stare at you, his muzzle open wide like he is breathing hard... but he isn’t. His eyes roll, and to your horror, he collapses. Even as he’s falling, you run out of the trainer box, knowing, just knowing, something is wrong. A thousand different thoughts flutter through your mind in one spontaneous instant.

    Please...

    Don’t let anything be wrong.

    It can’t go wrong.

    It’s not right, it’s not fair.

    He’s just fainted, that’s all. Nothing more.

    Nothing more…


    You’re kneeling at his side now, silently saying his name over and over. He doesn’t respond to your pleas, and your heartbeat quickens. He’s always responded before.

    You suddenly notice that he’s not breathing. There’s no reassuring rise and fall of his chest, no wispy smoke billowing out of his nose as he exhales.

    You panic, and everything suddenly becomes a blur.

    (Figures are melded; red is blue and green is black; noises sound fuzzy and distant, distorted like a Screech had just disrupted your whole system; voices sound garbled, mixed around like words in a paper shredder.)

    You are barely aware that the stand-by medic has noticed your distress until two Machoke flit in front of your eyes, lifting a prone body of a Charizard onto a large stretcher. Your Charizard. They lift the stretcher effortlessly, leaving you behind to watch them go farther and farther away.

    Suddenly, your emotions kick in. “Wait!” you scream. Well, you try to, but no words come. It’s as though your voice is gone, coming out as nothing more than a pitiful squeak.

    Your head is spinning. They can’t just take him away and leave you. You’re his friend, you’ve been with him since the beginning. What right have they to leave you here? Shaking your head in an attempt to clear your mind (to dispel this waking nightmare) you finally compose yourself enough to sprint after them.

    You do not see the concerned look the former Champion gives you as he recalls his Venusaur back into her pokéball. You also do not notice the group of reporters that are coming across the field, cameras flashing. Everything is going by so fast, and you’re barely aware that tears are brimming at the corners of your eyes. It’s as if your whole body has been set on auto-pilot, your attention focused solely on the cold metal stretcher and your Charizard’s diminishing tail flame. It’s barely candle-sized now.

    You are seconds behind the Machoke in entering the Pokémon Center, the strong scent of ammonia reaching your nose. The resident Nurse Joy and two Chansey are already waiting for you. Already, you see her blue-grey eyes wander over the Charizard’s prone form, giving him a quick check-over. You watch her carefully, hopefully, and you see her mouth twist ever-so-slightly into a frown, but it quickly disappears as she looks at you, giving you a faint smile. She gestures to the Machoke, and she mutters something indistinguishable and the Chansey hasten to obey her orders, issuing high-pitched squeaks of their own, before both scuttle into the emergency room. One of them peeks around the corner, beckoning the Machoke inside with stubby pink hands.

    Your heart can’t help but clench painfully in your chest as the Machoke move, taking your Charizard with them. You can’t even see his tail flame anymore. Frightened, you make a move to follow them inside the ER, but Nurse Joy stops you, placing a cold, pale hand on your shoulder. It’s meant to be comforting, but it isn’t.

    “Please –” you start to say, barely able to control the waver in your voice.

    Instead of hearing you out, she says in a fake, cheery voice that sounds robotic: “We’ll take it from here. Everything is going to be all right. Your Charizard is in good hands.”

    “You don’t understand –“

    She cuts you off again. “I understand completely. We’ll notify you if anything happens.”

    Without a backwards glance, she heads into the emergency room, leaving you to stare at the blank, white walls. Of all the emotions rising within you, anger and frustration erupt to the top.

    Who does she think she is?

    She says she understands, but you know she doesn’t. She knows medical terminology and stuff, but she doesn’t know your Pokémon like you do.

    How would she know that your Charizard hates to be alone with people he doesn’t know?

    (She doesn’t.)

    How would she know that he hates needles?

    (She wouldn’t.)

    If he wakes up, will she know how to handle him? Can she comfort him like you do when he’s frightened or sad?

    (She can’t.)

    So how would she know that leaving you out her is best for him? How can she tell you that everything is going to be all right when you can plainly see that it's everything but all right?

    Tears are making your vision blurry, and you are hit with a sudden dizzy spell. You stumble over to a corner where soft, blue chairs and a wooden table are placed. You fight the urge to bury your head in the polyester cushion, instead pinching yourself to see if maybe, just maybe, you’ll wake up from this horrid nightmare.

    (Wake up! Wake up! Rise!)

    But the pinch hurts, and when you open your watery eyes, the scenery is just the same: blank, uncomforting, and cold. The only difference is that there is a Blissey in front of you, clutching a tissue in her small, knobby paws.

    “Bliss!”

    She smiles widely. You take the tissue she offers you, but you don’t use it to dry your eyes. Instead, it's clutched tightly in your fist, and you squeeze it, as if squeezing it will make everything go away. The Blissey is still staring at you, her pink and white rotund body teetering back and forth. The front doors whiz open, and the silence is shattered.

    Flashes. Bright, inconsiderate flashes of light illuminate your face, momentarily blinding you. Normally you wouldn’t have thought twice about giving these rude people a piece of your mind. But not right now. You are in no mood for fighting (and you don’t know when you will ever be again).

    You are barraged with questions from a thousand different voices, all clamoring to get the first word out of you, but you aren’t going to give it to them.

    Why must they ask such questions? Don’t they see you are in no mood to talk? Don’t they see that you are gently shaking? Your pale, tear-stained face?

    How do you feel about being the next Champion? they ask. How do you feel the battle with the former Champion went? Are you pleased? Surprised? Disappointed? What did you have to do to get this far?

    Not: Are you all right? What happened to your Charizard? Is there anything we can do?

    How would you be feeling if you didn't know whether your Pokémon was okay or not? you want to shout out in retaliation, but you don’t. You still do not trust yourself to speak, afraid that if you do, your voice will break, and maybe if you don’t speak, these people will go away.

    The reporters and other various people that have shown up show no sign of leaving or giving up. They stick microphones in your face and many try to touch you on the shoulder, to grab your attention, but you are aware enough to wave them off. This doesn’t seem to deter them. They are forming a circle around you like a bunch of carrion birds over a dead carcass, and the Blissey, who has been standing by your side the whole time, is pushed roughly out of the way.

    Out of the corner of your eyes, you see the Blissey’s face scrunch up, her eyebrows forming a perfect wedge, while her eyes sparkle with a dark light. The corners of her mouth twitch, and her pink and white body seems to grow in size – like it’s made of elastic. She looks about ready to burst, a furious pink balloon of fury. She stands on her tiptoes, and you see her shoot furtive glances from left to right.

    “Listen –“ you finally say, your voice wavering, but you are cut off as the endless tirade of questions bombards you.

    (Can’t they just go away?)

    The Blissey is now walking purposely forward, waving her arms back and forth. You stand up just as the Blissey enters the crowd, pushing through the people with her oval-shaped body, her gaze that of righteous fury…

    ****


    Three successful Egg Bombs later, you find yourself in a small guest room into which the Blissey has ushered you. You are sitting down on the bottom bed, looking out the window when she comes in again three minutes later. You see she has brought a bowl with her, full of what looks like an egg salad. She sets it on the coffee table, looking up at you expectantly.

    "Umm... thank you."

    Your voice is weird, and she notices it. She gives you an odd look and seems about ready to say something when a horde of loud, obnoxious voices waft from outside the door. Her face comically scrunches up again, and her mouth takes the form of a scowl. She quickly leaves the room, pulling the door shut. Now that she’s gone, you can’t help but feel that her endeavor, though good-hearted in nature, was a waste of time: any appetite you had is all but gone, and your thoughts are elsewhere.

    Still, you poke at the egg salad and sigh, looking at the window just in time to see a small flock of Pidgey fly past. As a few minutes go by, you think you can hear singing, gentle and soft, coming from just outside your door, but you aren’t too sure. You suddenly feel sleepy, and all the thoughts in your head are jumbled as you sink into a dreamless sleep.

    (You don’t know that it was the Blissey that was humming a sleep-song outside your door. You also don’t know that it was she who guarded your room from invaders for the rest of the afternoon that you slept away. You also don’t know that she sent exactly fifteen Pokémon to Nurse Joy, all suffering mild to severe concussions. You also don’t know that eight trainers now sport black eyes because they asked one too many questions.)

    When you wake up again, it is far into the evening.

    Exactly forty-five minutes later you find out your Charizard is dead.

    It takes you three days to accept it.

    ****

    Only when you have no more tears to shed and a no longer have a voice to scream do they tell you how he died.

    He died from paralysis of the lungs: he suffocated to death. When the Venusaur released the thick cloud of Stun Spore, your Charizard inhaled in order to use Flamethrower. Simply put, he inhaled the Stun Spore, breathing it deeply into his lungs while the deadly particles settled there, paralyzing not only his lungs, but the muscles and tissue around them.

    A freak accident, they call it.

    They say they tried to save him, administering all sorts of potions and antidotes to cure paralysis. But with it so deeply rooted in the lungs, the malady was hard to dispel, and by then, it was too late. He was already gone.

    (But you suddenly think you knew that he was dead the moment the Machoke had carried him away, your mind was just too busy denying it to listen to your heart.)

    How the Charizard was even able to fight and stay conscious as long as he did surprises the medical staff.

    It doesn’t surprise you. He always gave you his best and more besides. He would forgo food and gladly suffer pain to make sure you were satisfied and well taken care of.

    Once, when you and he were traveling through a dense forest, you fell ill, so much so you could barely move around anywhere. It was your Charizard (who was naught but a Charmander at the time) who made sure that there was always a fire to keep you warm at night. It was he who found the wood and he who found the berries for you to eat, knowing instinctively of their healing properties. Often, you suspected he went without food, because he gave you all of it instead so you would get better.

    The situation that had just occurred is no different. He made sure that you accomplished your dream, even though the cost was his own life.

    It’s a gift you have trouble accepting.

    “Cheer up,” they tell you. “Everything will be better. Think positive. You’re the new Champion.”

    But you can’t cheer up. Not right now. The wound is still too fresh, too deep, and it’s slow to heal. Right now, they are doing little more than pouring salt into it, aggravating it more and sparking your temper.

    Your temper has been easier to spark ever since he died and to all but a few, you acidly respond: “Only when you figure out how to revive the dead will everything be better.”

    (They don’t have a response for that.)

    ****

    You don’t have your Charizard buried, like many thought you would. You have lots of money now, so you could have bought him a large, grandiose tomb, befitting of his noble line, and let him be buried up in Mt. Silver, where only the Elite Four, and a few other privileged people have access to . But you don’t. Instead, you have him cremated. And leaving atop your Skarmory, you take his ashes and intend to slowly fly over the places you and he journeyed to and sprinkle a bit of his ashes over the most important of them. That way, wherever you go, there will be a little bit of him there. Besides, you know he never liked to be confined to one space.

    The first place you visit is the Viridian Forest. It’s the place you and he first began your journey. You gave him his name (his special name that only you could call him) here.

    Pewter City: Your first gym battle – how could you forget? It was your first win against a Gym Leader. You also can’t forget the look in his innocent Charmander-eyes as they gazed up at the ancient Pokémon fossils housed in the museum in amazement and awe. You think he wanted to evolve into an Aerodactyl someday. He was so naďve then.

    Mt. Moon: You danced with the Clefairy here, after having accidentally come upon them during their Midsummer’s Eve Ritual. Neither of you thought you’d make it out alive unless you danced with them. A pity you didn’t know then they were gentle creatures, but because of it, you stayed up until the late hours of the morning after you and he ‘escaped’, telling tales of barbaric Clefairy who made their victims dance until they died. (You were both hopelessly young then…)

    Cerulean City: You lost your first Gym Battle here. Afterwards, you were depressed enough you suddenly weren’t sure if you wanted to be a Pokémon Trainer anymore, because you thought you were no good. But you tried again, and won.

    Celadon City: How were you supposed to know he was allergic to the perfumes Erika made?

    The Cycling Road: He evolved into Chameleon here, after a group of wannabe thug bikers threatened you. (You could’ve handled it without him having to evolve and torch their motorcycles. Really. You could’ve.)

    Lavender Town: It was here you discovered that you and he were both deathly afraid of ghost-types. You recall running out of Lavender Town’s Pokemon Tower, scared half out of your mind while your Charizard (then a Charmeleon) ran after you, quite clearly. You both had nightmares for months afterward.

    Fuchsia City: If you remember correctly, it was he who ticked off the Scyther in the Safari Zone. Not you.

    The Sevii Islands: He evolved into his final form here, though you aren’t sure which island it was, exactly. It was just after you had run and jumped off a cliff. He probably thought you were suicidal when he evolved into his draconic form, bolting into the sky on his newfound wings, only to find that you were resting safely on your new Skarmory’s back, because you were teaching her how to Fly.

    Your home is your final stop. You land just outside your mother and father’s house, and without going in and telling your parents that you’re finally home (What has it been? Three years? Four?) you recall your Skarmory back into her pokéball, heading purposely into the backyard. You walk slowly, inhaling in the clean air, tinged with the fresh smell of the berry trees that your parents grow here.

    It’s so peaceful out here… you think, pulling out a small bag from your pocket.

    Inside, it holds the last remnants of your first Pokémon. Slowly, you open the drawstrings that keep the contents inside, staring at the black, dull ashes that were once a living, breathing creature who, once upon a time, flew unchallenged across the heavenly sky.

    You move towards the cliff edge that overlooks the sea. A gentle wind is blowing.

    You take a deep breath.

    (Time will freeze, Eternity will wait, and Death will stop its inevitable course for these few precious moments. For they are yours, and forever will be. )

    You slowly lift up the ash filled bag, and you hesitate for only a moment more –

    (It’s hard letting go. You never really got to say good-bye)

    — before you scatter the remaining contents to the wind.
    Last edited by Saffire Persian; 29th October 2006 at 10:10 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
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    *wipes away a tear* Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

    Saffire, here you have written a divine piece, a piece that plucks at the heartstrings of those who read it...

    AND YOU USED CHARIZARD! *hugs* All these fantastic authors using my favourite Pokemon, I swear I'm gonna have a heart attack if I see another one of my favourite used so elequently.

    Description is magnificient. Beautiful mental imagery, and you could almost feel the pain as Charizard inhaled the Stun Spore. Well done.

    And the relentless press was a nice touch too... Go Blissey! Egg Bomb the paparazzi! Lol.

    *bows* This is simply (must stop abusing that word) magnificient. No doubt about it Saffire, it's heavenly.

    Joshua

    EDIT: W00t! First review!
    PASBL Stats:
    Level 5 Trainer, 30 Pokemon
    34-22-12, 100 KOs, 253.5TP, 1.25 SP
    Badges: Maelstrom (Flying), Abnormality (Normal)
    2x/4x Reffing System

  3. #3
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    Oh man. That was wonderful. It begins as an intriguing battle with some amazing twists, yet ends as a reflective peice that any Pokemon Trainer would fully understand... remarkable. Simply remarkable. Now, how come I've never read something of yours before, Pers? Huh.

    I think I may just start. ^_^

    But this was a beautiful use of narrative- that tense is brilliant! Really! I can't believe how much more this means with a more personal approach given through the tense used here. It works so well, you can easily place yourself in the trainer's shoes... especially since no gender is referenced, no nickname is given for the Charizard... how come you're so smart? That works sooooo well!

    If there was a problem, it was small; I thought that the early use of the parentheses was a little shaky. But you saved them from uselessness by putting a meaningful edge to them there.

    But the absolute draw here has to be the theme and entire concept of how a trainer would take a death from their party. I had never even thought about that whole concept, that a Pokemon could be driven so hard and fight so valiantly for his/her trainer and... pass in the process... it's a wonder just to think about it. The way this character reacts is like a character in itself; it's so realistic in the way he/she doesn't care whether the nurse is a master in here field, and just thinks that she doesn't understand the creature's true needs.

    I could probably go on all day about how this is truly the best thing I've read in weeks... but that would be boring, no? XD I was quite impressed by this. Keep up the good work, Pers.

    P.S. Where are all the reviews for this??? XD

    EDIT: Me, a normal guy, IK? XD
    Last edited by Quackerdrill; 21st January 2006 at 5:10 AM.
    ***

    ~been writing: in (and around) old gyms

    ~been playing: 'wolfenstein: the new order'

    ~been reading: 'I want my MTV: the uncensored story of the music video revolution'- by rob tannenbaum and craig marks

    ~been listening: 'honeyblood' - honeyblood

    ***

    Xbox Live Gamertag: Quackerdrill

    PSN Name: Quackerdrill

    www.twitter.com/quackerdrill



    ~sig v.eight.

  4. #4
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    When the frell was the last time I saw 2nd-person perspecitve used? I honestly can't recall. So, that right there was pretty neat. I was certainly not expecting for the win against the champion to segue into tragedy like that - not that I mended at all, of course. You know what I think of tragedy. ^^

    Minor errors:

    The Venusaur teeters dangerously on its feet, until it can keep itself conscious no longer, and slumps onto the arena floor, and moves no more.
    IIRC, the Venusaur was female, so just change the "it"s to "her"s.

    Major errors:

    ....nope, none of those! ^^

    Highlights:

    “Listen –“ you finally say, your voice wavering, but you are cut off as the endless tirade of questions bombard you.

    (Can’t they just go away?)

    The Blissey is now walking purposely forward, waving about her arms. You stand up just as the Blissey enters the crowd, pushing through the people with her oval-shaped body, her gaze that of righteous fury…

    Three successful Egg Bombs later, and you find yourself in a small guest room the Blissey has ushered you into.
    Fwee, Egg Bombs. Gets rid of those pesky paparazzi every time. ^^

    Fuchsia City: If you remember correctly, it was he who ticked off the Scyther in the Safari Zone. Not you.
    XD

    Time will freeze, Eternity will wait, and Death will stop on its inevitable course for these few precious moments, for they are yours, and forever will be.
    Gorgeous. ;-;


    Anyway, nice piece of work here. Kudos. ^^
    DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK
    (Or do. I don't actually mind.)
    The Origin of Storms | Communication

  5. #5

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    Joshua: Thank you for being the first reviewer. ^^ Never expected you to review. Charizard 'tis one of my favorite Pokémon, too. And I'm glad you loved the Blissey.. xD They make me laugh.

    Quackerdrill: Wow.. such a nice review. ^_^.. And Bingo for getting what I was trying to portray and get people to notice... I'm glad you liked it, I was scared as heck that this would turn out to be a cheesy, soppy mess. And thanks for pointing out the problems with the parentheses, because after going over it again, I can see what you mean by 'shakey', and I intend to fix that.

    Sike: o.o This would be a Tragedy, wouldn't it. XD... never thought of that. Thanks a ton for your review, and yes, Blissey are the ultimate paparazzi fighting machines. Thanks for pointing out that error. *Goes to kill it*

  6. #6
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    Helooooo Mrs. Persian! You reviewed my fics so I figured I should review this one since I still haven't reviewed Requiem for a Dream. Why is it this title seems so extremely familiar o_0

    You turn your head to glance at rows of avid fans, smiling for a moment – but only for a moment – before you turn back to meet your opponent’s gaze.
    It's been quite some time since I read a second person fic, lets see how it plays out

    the spheroid that contains your last contender
    I don't know, doesn't just plain sphere sound better

    an obvious tinge of amusement
    nothing more than a few
    (And you don’t intend to let your dream go so quickly. Not after you have come this far.)
    Great line there, I especially love how its in parantheses

    your heartbeat
    (Figures are melded; red is blue and green is black; noises sound fuzzy and distant, distorted like a Screech had just disrupted your whole system; voices sound garbled, mixed around like words in a paper shredder.)
    Why exactly did you put this in parentheses? Seemed to be better without it

    Instead of hearing you out, she says in a fake, cheery voice that sounds robotic
    So very true...XD

    Normally you wouldn’t have thought twice about giving these rude people a piece of your mind. But not right now. You are in no mood for fighting
    First sentence makes it sounds like he normally is nice and wouldnt find. Maybe change about to before

    How do you feel the battle with the former Champion went?
    Three successful Egg Bombs later, you find yourself in a small guest room the Blissey has ushered you into
    ....ROFLMAO!!! Thats friggin hilarious! Phear teh Blissey!

    You also don’t know that eight trainers now sport black eyes because they asked one too many questions.)
    I freaking love this Blissey

    Exactly forty-five minutes later you find out your Charizard is dead.

    It takes you three days to accept it.
    ....woah *smile from Blissey wears off*

    it was too late: he was already gone.
    This is my opinion but I think it would be better if you changed that colon to a period to put higher emphasis on that he was already gone sentence.

    The situation that had just occurred is no different. He made sure that you accomplished your dream, even though the cost was his own life.
    That's really sad. It annoyed me how people were telling him to cheer up because he was a champion. What's the point of telling a man to cheer up because he was a father, when his wife dies in the process?

    You also can’t forget his the look in his innocent Charmander
    take out his

    If you remember correctly, it was he who ticked off the Scyther in the Safari Zone. Not you.
    Heh




    Wow Saffire Persian, wow. This is hands down one of THE BEST one shots I have ever read. Anybody who criticizes the OT genre seriously needs to read this brilliant fic. You truly are an awesome writer, I can't believe how well written this was and how well it flowed and how overall amazing it was! I was a bit worried when I saw you were using second person, but I set my worries aside immediately when I saw how wel you were using it. Second person is without a doubt the hardest POV to write (except for fourth person, since that doesn't exist....or does it???), but you not only wrote it, you wrote it well. I suppose the purpose for second person was to show that this trainer was a regular guy just like me, Quackerdrill, BUT NOT SIKE SANER! DEFINETELY NOT SIKE SANER! The parantheses were a great touch. The battle was described beautifully, if I ever need inspiration to write battles, I'll be sure to read this fic once more. The one thing I really didn't like is how the battle ended up being Charizard VS Venusaur, which is overdone so incredibly it's not funny... Couldn't the champion have a Jynx or somein? Then again, you probably chose Venusaur because he was so overdone with Charizard. Wanted to make it kinda typical before he collapsed. Charizard passing out toward the end made a great twist, I figured soemthing had to happen to fill up the next 8 pages XD The hospital scene was great and there was a lot of good emotion, drama, and suspense building up. The details you wrote in there were definetely one of my favorite parts of this oen shot. Blissey was an AWESOME charachter! Die Papparazzi die! And best part is, she stil kept her motherlyness (ala, Egg Salad). When we learned the chilling news, you presented it so well. It just hit like a brick, suddenly and shockingly. The Spreading of the ashses was defientely the best part of the entire one shot, very meaningful and nostalgic, they sure did have some crazy adventures. I could have only imagined what it would have been like if this was a full OT trainer, and the devestation readers went through reading about Charizard's death. And I saw the last ashses were sprinkled in his first home, ends where it all began. Very tragic and sad one shot and hands down one of the best I have ever read. Quality fanfictions are a growing minority in Serebii, thanks for giving me hope once more! Only somewhat major critism I can give really is that, like Quackerdrill said, sometimes the parantheses use can be a little shaky. But its only a few times, and it was worth it for all those parentheses use that were done amazingly

    OVERALL: Brilliant, beautifully done fanfiction. One of the best I have ever read. Hands down 5/5
    A Championship Battle
    FINISHED: Johto's top psychic trainer and the granddaughter of an Elite Four member go head to head for the Silver Cup championship. Features underused pokemon including Tropius, Slowking, and my personal favorite, Jynx



    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

  7. #7
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    Oh, my. Iceking wasn't exaggerating when he said this was one of the best one-shots he'd ever read. I utterly agree.

    I love the second-person perspective, because it's so hard to pull off but you did it beautifully. The writing and subject matter was incredible, and it really pulls some heartstrings.

    My favorite part was when "I" was scattering the ashes to the wind, it was very profound and eloquent.

    You, madam, are incredible. *bows*

  8. #8
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    Bravo! I chose Charmander as a starter for Fire Red, so this made me think about him and all we had been through.

    The whole story was written with logic, everything made sense and seemed so real. By the end, I was crying (Which not to many other stories have been able to do).

    An excellent piece, 10/10
    Jetshipping (Hilbert x Skyla) is my BW OTP

    Banner by Kamex

  9. #9

    Default

    Iceking:
    Helooooo Mrs. Persian!
    I'm married? =p

    You reviewed my fics so I figured I should review this one since I still haven't reviewed Requiem for a Dream. Why is it this title seems so extremely familiar o_0
    XD Maybe it's because I have a fondness for titles that somewhat sound alike? I tend to go for the 'quotey' titles, if you didn't notice. ^_^

    Thank you so much for bothering to read this story, and that you didn't run away as fast as you could because of the tense (which still is a big fear of mine that I have when I look at this story). ^_^

    Ph33r the Blissey! xD If you're ever being bothered, you know who to call, now, eh? I'm glad you liked her. She's my favorite supporting character in this one-shot.

    Quote:
    Normally you wouldn’t have thought twice about giving these rude people a piece of your mind. But not right now. You are in no mood for fighting

    First sentence makes it sounds like he normally is nice and wouldnt find. Maybe change about to before
    I'm sorry, but I can't understand what you meant by this piece of advice. Do you think you could explain?


    your heartbeat
    Thanks for pointing out those stupid typos! ^_^ Thankfully, the ones you've pointed out are as dead as a doornail. ^_^

    I'll be sure to read this fic once more. The one thing I really didn't like is how the battle ended up being Charizard VS Venusaur,
    It is a bit overdone, but I chose Charizard and Venusaur for a few reasons. ^_^ One was connectablity. I was quite everyone in hte Serebii population has played Red/Blue/Fire Red/Leaf Green. What are the starters offered there? ^_^. So, when people read it, they could connect more easily, because I'm quite sure that almost everyone has raised a Charizard as a starter before. And Venusaur had all the elements I needed. First off, it needed Stun Spore, secondly, I needed the Vine Whip to keep Charizard from moving, and that POkemon had to be strong enough to actually hold it there. (Can you see a Victreebell, for instance, keeping the Charizard grounded with its Vine Whip?)

    To quote Blood Vampire:
    I chose Charmander as a starter for Fire Red, so this made me think about him and all we had been through.
    ^_^.

    The Spreading of the ashses was defientely the best part of the entire one shot, very meaningful and nostalgic, they sure did have some crazy adventures. I could have only imagined what it would have been like if this was a full OT trainer,
    Yes, they did, didn't they? Crazy sums it up quite well. I've been toying making little one-shots of those adventures mentioned in the same POV as this one is, but I dunno if that would desecrate this one-shot at all, or if people would even want to read it. ^_^

    And thanks for all your compliments. ^_^ You also happened to (inadvertently) proved something that I wanted to see happen, but I wasn't sure would. So thanks.

    Scrap: Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.

    Blood Vampire: It made you cry 0_o... I'm sorry.

    I chose Charmander as a starter for Fire Red, so this made me think about him and all we had been through.
    "Twas one of the reasons I made the character's Pokémon a Charizard.

    Thanks for the reviews. ^_^

  10. #10
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    ...

    ;__;

    ....;_;

    Saffire, this is indeed one of the best short stories I have ever read in my entire life, if not the best. To use second-person-view is quite risky, indeed, but you just pulled it off and together, you rode it through the heavens and brought it to life. I'm not daring enough to write in such a way, but just reading this makes me want to give a try sometime. Now, despite the fact that I haven't read original trainer fanfictions before, this was sheer brilliant. After such a long time of hardache and pain, the new Champion (I) has lost my Charizard. ;_; The battle was outstanding, and the 'freak accident' is just something that I'd never think of happening. But what really drew me in was when the new Champion (I) was remembering all of the events and such, which was just beautiful and mournful at the same time. And the last part...that just drowned my heart into sadness. ;_; Saffire...I really, really love this...;_;
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

  11. #11
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    Wow. O.O Spectacular, Saffire, this is truly touching. *blows nose* Poor Charizard, poor trainer. My favourite part:

    The Sevii Islands: He evolved into his final form here, though you aren’t sure which island it was, exactly. It was just after you had run and jumped off a cliff. He probably thought you were suicidal when he evolved into his draconic form, bolting into the sky on his newfound wings, only to find that you were resting safely on your new Skarmory’s back, because you were teaching her how to Fly.
    That made me smile.

    I don't believe I have seen this done before, I have seen game books written in second person, but they always have confusing directions that say turn to this page if you said that, ectra. I tried to complete one of those once, I got far, but I ended up going in circles after they made a bunch of crossroads that linked to each other. I gave up in the end. It was nigh on impossible...

    Well done Saffire!
    Last edited by katiekitten; 21st January 2006 at 10:52 PM.


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  12. #12
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    Neatly done. The second-person perspective is rarely used because it can be difficult to use it well, but you have used it successfully here. This perspective builds a sense of unity with the main character- the character is not an individual but more of an everyman.

    Nothing really major to note grammatically. Your use of thoughts in parentheticals is an interesting stylistic choice, especially when they are used in mid-sentence interjections. Some people would take this as a flaw, but it is a legitimate stylistic preference and I don't think it detracts from the story at all.

    Plot-wise, this is a typical story made different in that it is a "win the battle, lose the war" instead of a "win the battle, now I am the Champion, I am just so cool" story. I'm usually not big on original Champions, but you kept this story focused not on the trainer but on the Charizard, which made your character unobtrusive. It was easy to identify with this character because of that.

    The one thing that I would suggest- the Charizard died because his lungs paralyzed from the Flamethrower. Your character commanded that Flamethrower. Without that Flamethrower, the Charizard would still have been alive. I think that in that situation most people would have acknowledged their fault in the situation- perhaps your character could wrangle with that guilt.

    You have a good grasp of character, and of what would make this particular character tick- the part where your character is trying to enter the room with Nurse Joy, wondering how they're going to cope with a Charizard who is afraid of needles, is particularly well done.

    Your irritated Blissey is fabulous. Talk about an unlikely rescue!

    The one grammatical bit that snaps to mind is that you hyphenated "shout out." This term is only hyphenated when used as a noun: "He sent a shout-out to the Blissey to thank her for dispelling the paparazzi." Other than that, it is un-hyphenated: "He wished to shout out to the Blissey, but his mouth had been duct-taped."

    I'm thoroughly exhausted right now, so I'll come back to this in the morning and read through again, editing this post as necessary. I just wanted to give you this review now because I knew that if I didn't review tonight, I would probably forget.
    "Bugger all that," said Nanny. "Let's curse somebody."
    - Terry Pratchett

  13. #13

    Default

    Syra: You haven't read OT fictions before? ^^; Well, hopefully this was a good enough one. I'm glad you liked it though. Yes, poor Charizard.

    Katiekitten: [quote Wow. O.O Spectacular, Saffire, this is truly touching. *blows nose* Poor Charizard, poor trainer. My favourite part:

    Quote:
    The Sevii Islands: He evolved into his final form here, though you aren’t sure which island it was, exactly. It was just after you had run and jumped off a cliff. He probably thought you were suicidal when he evolved into his draconic form, bolting into the sky on his newfound wings, only to find that you were resting safely on your new Skarmory’s back, because you were teaching her how to Fly.

    That made me smile.
    ^_^ I'm glad it did. It's one of my favorite parts, too. Thanks for reviewing!

    Kveran: Thanks so much for taking the time to do this. I'll check back and see if you've felt you needed to add anything. Yes, the grief aspect you've pointed out is very legitimate, and now I wonder why I didn't see that before. I'll have to edit it in sometime. ^^ And glad you like the Blissey.. she remains one of my favorite Pokémon I'd ever written about.

  14. #14
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    Well its gone onto the second page of threads so I guess its time for me to review. First off, WOW. Then Wow, Wow, and Wow. And lastly WOW. And for each of those wows i give a star. So for any idiot who cant add its five stars. Anyways onto the story.

    Great. Loved the POV, very daring to use that one. To me, its one of the hardest POVs but u pulled it off and very nicely as a bonus. Guarantees bunch of new writers are gonna try copyin u with the pov and end up screwin up.

    Characters were awesome. Charizard and Venusaur are essentials to this cuz theyre kinda rivals so it fits nicely. Plus like u said I cant imagine anyone else being used properly in that situation. Also like Kveran, i like the win the battle and lose the war motif. Gotta like the depressin stuff. Couldnt find any errors but I suck at errors anyways and I dont find myself good enough to even try and tear apart such terrific work suck as yours. Well i really cant think of anything else to say but Wow. If there were six stars thats what ud get from me.

    ;3; ;6;

  15. #15
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    ;; I miss you my charzizard. er... ok so it wasn;t mine but man did I feel like I lost my best friend. It was like living an old memory of something very precious that you lost to gain something that in teh end wasn't as wonderful as you thought, because that something you lost was the only thing that made it precious...



    I had tears in my eyes at the end, this fic is amazing as you neither know if the character is male or female and the reactions could fit into almost anyone's personality. I pretty much imagined myself as that trainer, as it was written in second person and went on teh adeventure and tradgedy of a lifetime... something I wish to never experince that painful again and yet wishing it was real just so I could truely be apart of it.

    I really am horrible at criticing and htis writing style is so ... different to me that I can't really pick or choose or anything. I enjoyed it and hated it at the same time.

    Lovely. I'll remember this.
    Nearly eight years ago, I met Yami Ryu on this forum. She was a flamer and angry, but yet we became the best of friends.
    It was in December of 2011 that she found out she had cancer.
    It was January 9th when she passed away.
    A connection I made eight years ago on this forum passed away, alone, unloved by most, her own father probably didn't care.
    I love you, Yami Ryu, you are my best friend and I miss you so freakin much.

  16. #16

    Default

    Manyula: Thanks for replying. ^_^..
    Guarantees bunch of new writers are gonna try copyin u with the pov and end up screwin up.
    Yeah, I thought about that, too. But we'll see. ^_^... They can go ahead and try second person if they want 0_o... though they'll find it's quite difficult to write. Not to mention it feels weird to write @_@,

    Lady Myuu: Thanks. ^_^ I appreciate you reviewing. Glad you liked it - and I see w hy you could hate it at the same time. ^_^

  17. #17
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    Im not sure whether this will count as double posting but all well. Im curious about the name of the story and where it came from. A kid in my class did a book report on The Ties That Break, The Ties That Bond(Not completly sure about the name), and I wondered whther the book had anything to do with that. Also, Im pretty sure theres an episode named Ties That Bind, im not sure about that either. Just curious and this will get your thread a few pages up.

  18. #18
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    Wow...this is the sadest story I ever read..but one of the best. In Fire Red I am training a charmeleon that hatched from the egg of a friends charizard I bowwroed but this remonds me more of my blastoise (shelly)..I loved the story...

  19. #19

    Default

    Manyula: The name just popped into my head - I chose it because it seemed to fit - as the character did end up having small 'flashbacks' of memories when s/he's riding on Skarmory, which are some ties that will never be severed even after Charizard is gone.

    Shatoshi: Thanks for your review, glad you liked it. ^_^

  20. #20

    Default

    I wish I could add something original here, but I'm going to have to go with what everyone else said and agree, this is probably the best fanfic I've ever read. It takes a lot to make me cry, but this came close. Excellent work, deffinetly a 10/10

  21. #21
    NeoCrisis873 Guest

    Unhappy Sad AND Powerful...

    Wow... nothing else to say but wow. This is the best fan-fic I have ever read Saffire, a definite 10/10. I loved how you incorperated the fact of all the places you have been and how, at every waking secound after he died, your mind was with his in the place for all beings that were immortal, until they were struck down by some freak accident that sould've never happened. You really should write another like this, but using a different story line, not a person going for champion, but something... else...

    {:NC:}

  22. #22

    Default

    There are no words that can describe the emotion I felt while reading this. My favorite Pokemon is a Charizard (check my name) and to think if that would happen to me... I would be full of sorrow. You are truly talented and this one-shot was beautiful. I hope you will make more!



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  23. #23
    Shadownight of Summerclan Guest

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    Beautiful, just beautiful. No one can describe the emotion they probaly felt while reading this. Beautiful, a truly magnificent & beautiful work of art. Keep producing these master-pieces. It has inspired me to wright a story now, I'll defiently dedacate it to you Persian.

  24. #24

    Default

    Alastor: Thanks for the review.. Glad you liked it.

    Neocrisis: I do have another one-shot I'm thinking of writing in this sort of POV, but we'll see what happens.

    Charizard: Not much I can say in response to your review but thanks, and that I like Charizard too.

    Lord Ginshikon: Thanks, I"m glad you found it inspiring.

  25. #25
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    Unhappy

    Saffire, I just read the story... very sad - I almost cried when I found out that Charizard was dead... Charizard is my second favourite Pokemon. But overall, a very interesting story.

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