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Thread: ash's confusing adventure (PG-13)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    5

    Default ash's confusing adventure (PG-13)

    Well this is my first time making a fanfic so I don’t really know what to say so all I can say is that this is set in battle frontier well thats all i have to say so let’s begin.....

    Chapter 1
    Battle Pyramid. 10:30 PM

    "Im sorry but its getting to late and we must close for the night. U will restart on the floor u r on in the morning plz use the escape ropes in Ur bag now" said a speaker in the pyramid. "Come on pikachu im tired from all this walking and we will be back in this exact place tomorrow. And anyway im hungry" said ash holding his stomach from hunger. pika said pikachu sadly. And together they went out to find May, Brock and max

    Meanwhile
    Somewhere in battle frontier 10:40 PM

    (I wonder where ash is) may thought to her self while walking with Brock and max to the house they rented. "Hey Brock do u know where ash is we haven’t seen him since lunch when he stole my pizza" shouted May a little angry because she had had nothing to eat since lunch and then she still had a little bit of food. "He said something about the battle pyramid but im not to sure and its better if we go straight to the house ash should meet us there and anyway none of us should be wondering around this late at night” replied Brock.





    I know the rules say I need to do one whole page of word for a chapter but this isn’t the end of the chapter but my comp messed up and deleted the rest so u should get the rest soon and I mean very soon probably between 2 hours and a day so keep checking this for the rest of the chapter.
    Last edited by ditto704; 15th April 2006 at 2:49 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Reach
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    745

    Default

    uh, theres no easy way to put this. No offense, but that wan't a story. Not even part of one. Not even close. First, it should at least be THREE pages long for some satisfactory. Second, the grammer, just, no. Third of all, don't use internet slang when writing the story. It looks corny. I'm sorry, but it looks like that was made on the spot.

    EDIT: The I's should also be capitals. So should the begining of sentaces and names.

  3. #3

    Default

    This is ok... I understand that your computer messed up, but I agree with ash5550 when he says that this is no where close to being a story, and the fact that instead of using u and r you need to use the full words. There are multiple gramatical errors, so you need to go back and fix those.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    On the event horizon
    Posts
    407

    Default

    *smiles* Keep checking? Eh, naw.

    First off, as ash5550 pointed out, it is not a story, you don't use 'u' or 'r' when writing a story but instead use the real words, because otherwise it shows your utter laziness to not do those things. You don't have just 'multiple' grammatical errors, the whole thing is pretty much a grammar problem. I don't even know what you're talking about! Something or other about pizza, but it took me less then 3 minutes to read that.

    Italics help when it come's to thoughts, and it's the simple press of 4 different buttons that get you the italics, making it look nicer without the ugly parentheses, and making it look better all around. I won't say what I would've said as that would definetly crush your spirits to the ground, but all I have to say is, this fanfiction needs a lot of work before it's posted anywhere. Ever.

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