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Thread: ~♥Love Concierge♥~ ~(Preview)~

  1. #1
    Shadowcat Guest

    Default ~♥Love Concierge♥~ ~(Preview)~

    Well... I have finally got back into writing after a horrible case of Writers' Block. This is to please some people... Though I need help with description though....

    ~♥Love Concierge♥~

    Prologue: Morning Glory

    (Preview of Upcoming Fan Fiction Chapter and Fic)


    Prologue~ Morning Glory

    A young lady was walking down the street, with a daisy placed in her long, blonde hair. The female had fair skin, and had considerable amount of make-up on. Wearing a white blouse and skirt, she happily walked down the street with confidence, entering a beautiful shopping mall. Her high-heels were also white in color, and she continued her shopping trip in the mall.

    After spending a good few hours in the Shopping Mall, which was called ‘The Lilycove Shopping Palace!’, she headed out for the streets of Lilycove. Now at Lilycove Shopping Avenue, she stepped into a shop, which was called ‘Love Concierge’, two females, who look exactly the same were rushing about the shop. Both having long brown hair, both quickly ran around the whole shop. One picked up the phone, muttering the words ‘Roses and Lilies’, while the other rushed towards a young lady dressed in a grand wedding dress.

    The two females running around both had different colored eyes, one had blue, and the other had brown. The first female, who was attending a customer, the one in the wedding dress, had a blue blouse and a pink skirt on. The female loved plain clothes and had a rose in her hair. The rose had dark red petals and had thorns coming out from its stem. The female seemed to feel no pain at all and quickly helped her client.

    The other female had a cyan blouse on, which was accompanied with a navy blue skirt. The female had shiny sapphire earrings and had a sunflower placed in her hair. The huge flower had bright yellow petals, and its huge orange core was shining brightly as sunlight passed through the glass windows. She had stopped talking and approached the female with a daisy in her head.

    “IZUMI! GOOD TIMING! Need help here, you can help by helping us,” The female quickly asked the blonde haired female, who was called Izumi.

    “RRIIINGG! RIINGG!” The telephone rang and the female quickly rushed for the phone.

    “Good Afternoon, this is Love Concierge. How may I help you?” The female asked the caller.

    “But Sapphire, I’m too busy! Come on, you could call Blue instead!” Izumi complained to the female, but she was already on the phone.

    “Typhlogirl’s on her way back, I need to go pick her up, after all, she is my elder sister,” Sapphire responded to Izumi’s complaints after putting down the phone.

    “But-“ Izumi replied, but was cut-off by Sapphire again.

    “She’s arriving soon, so tend the shop with Blue while I’m gone! Bye!” Sapphire quickly retaliated, before rushing off.

    “STOP!” The female roared, stopping a Rapidash Carriage. She climbed in hurriedly and ordered the driver, who was wearing a black hat and a cobalt outfit, “To Lilycove Airport!” The Rapidash had sharp, beige horns, flames being their manes. The ends of their feet were burning with bright flames, their hooves were stomping the ground, rushing towards the Lilycove Airport. Their tails, which were flames, swayed left to right as they ran as fast as lightning, making a turn at Lilycove Street 61. After many turns, they reach Lilycove West, were the Lilycove Airport was. Sapphire paid the driver a good hundred Pokedollars before rushing into the International Terminal 2. Flights arrived there and she quickly ran towards Pick-Up Point 7, awaiting to pick up her sister.

    ~END OF PROLOGUE PREVIEW~


    Now... NO Cyan post from me, that's strange. But still, ALL WHO READ, PLEASE REVIEW!

    Note, there are characters based of some members, but this is not meant to harm anyone...

    Mainly the Shippers, since this fic IS a Shipping Fic.

    All kinds of fics are allowed Previews, so I'm just posting the Preview here...

    NOW POST READERS!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    939

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    “Typhlogirl’s on her way back, I need to go pick her up, after all, she is my elder sister,” Sapphire responded to Izumi’s complaints after putting down the phone.
    I love this part for some reason

    Okay Sapphire...First of all, there weren't any huge mistakes. All I can say is...

    Good luck with it ^_^ Hope you don't get that writer's block thing back again...Fight it when it comes. Writer's block = EVIL

    Good luck PM me when its posted, I'll review it for sure!

    ~Timid Kyogre

  3. #3
    Shadowcat Guest

    Default

    Timid Kyogre: LOL! Kelly, you really love that part.

    Thanks for the Review Kelly, you really made me feel happy when I saw your review. And I'll be sure to PM you...

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
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    On a Mars bar. :)
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    1,583

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    Sapphire! You posted the preview! Great! It's very good, I really enjoyed it! *gives flower cookie* Ma twinney makes me so proud. *wipes tear from eye*

    Like I said, it is very good. Me likey, me likey. Description is good, maybe a little repetitive near the beginning, but that is fine. Spelling and grammer good, I'm liking the story line so far. Brilliant!

    Oh, and happy birthday for tomorrow. I am trying to make you a banner, but my computer keeps on shutting off. ;_; I should be able to make it, I'll try my best.


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
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    Houston
    Posts
    485

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    Yes, Yes, Yes!!! From just reading the prologue I already like it alot. You should definately do it.


    [Bishie] Miu from Dears
    [Cartoon Bishie] Gir From Invader Zim

    Paired up with the cute and Joyful Mars Girl

    ~MySpace~
    The Original Gangsta of SPPF

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
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    Oztralia
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    *cackles*

    OMFG, I love this fic already. ^_^ Ahem. Yeees.

    REVIEWING TIME NOW. *in serious reviewer voice*


    Weeell. There doesn't seem to be much storyline at the mo', but it's only a prologue! Like katiekitten said, the description was a bit repetitive at the beginning, but it improved.

    Not much else to say, but you've certainly improved! ^_^ Well done, I'll be like reading and stuff yay.

    AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TOMORROW!!! TEH BIG ONE TWO!!

    *does a happy dance*

    -
    [IMG]http://i41.*******.com/5bxx86.png[/IMG]
    they see me rollin'
    they hatin'


  7. #7
    Shadowcat Guest

    Default

    Ooh... Just wait when you see what I have planned for Chapter 1 guys...

    Katiekitten: You lightened up my life with that review twinneh! Really, and I know there's not really much planned for the Prologue.

    'Cause I had to type out what are the important things on another document on MS Word... So... Don't ask...

    JoJo@210: Okay... Thanks, but next time, try to post more than just a sentence, 'cause it feels like somebody is spamming.

    Typhlogirl: ZOMG! ZANKYOO!

    Yeah, read what I said to Katie. And thanks sis!

    *hands everyone out some chocolate birthday cake for reviewing*

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    939

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    *Eats cake*

    I'm trying to imagine what will Typhlogirl say in your fic...Its weird since its hard to imagine ^_^

    Advice: Writer's block = Evil. When it comes back to you just...Fight it, if you can't then just try to find any other way to make it vanish or else...I'm going to kill you.

    And again, good luck!

    ~Timid Kyogre

  9. #9
    pisces_beedrill Guest

    Default

    After spending a good few hours in the Shopping Mall, which was called ‘The Lilycove Shopping Palace!’, she headed out for the streets of Lilycove. Now at Lilycove Shopping Avenue, she stepped into a shop, which was called ‘Love Concierge’, two females, who look exactly the same were rushing about the shop. Both having long brown hair, both quickly ran around the whole shop. One picked up the phone, muttering the words ‘Roses and Lilies’, while the other rushed towards a young lady dressed in a grand wedding dress.

    The two females running around both had different colored eyes, one had blue, and the other had brown. The first female, who was attending a customer, the one in the wedding dress, had a blue blouse and a pink skirt on. The female loved plain clothes and had a rose in her hair. The rose had dark red petals and had thorns coming out from its stem. The female seemed to feel no pain at all and quickly helped her client.
    sounds really good. pm me when it is written and i'll read

  10. #10
    Shadowcat Guest

    Default

    Timid: lol... Anyways, Timid, sowwy... Not doing PMs anymore... I may decide to do it though...

    pisces_beedril: Care to elaborate more? I don't get the review... Since you just gave me one line, and I don't really know where you want me to improve and all...

  11. #11
    Join Date
    May 2005
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    ln absolute neutrality.
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    869

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    Hate 'ta burst teh bubble, but Pika shall now pokey bad points.

    You abuse the phrase "the female". >_<

    Example:

    The other female had a cyan blouse on, which was accompanied with a navy blue skirt. The female had shiny sapphire earrings and had a sunflower placed in her hair. The huge flower had bright yellow petals, and its huge orange core was shining brightly as sunlight passed through the glass windows. She had stopped talking and approached the female with a daisy in her head.
    Try alternating between female with lady or girl or something. >_<

    And some awkward points around.

    “IZUMI! GOOD TIMING! Need help here, you can help by helping us,” The female quickly asked the blonde haired female, who was called Izumi.
    Zoom in on the bold part. And then the italics. Feels a bit awkward here. Maybe try "the blond female, apparently named Izumi." Not that good either, since I reworded slightly. I'm having writer's block. But it's still much smoother.

    I might come up with a more comprehensive list when I feel my nice side waning.
    FTMP is officially dead. Those who are still interested in reading click
    here.
    Last Update: Chapter 17: Date: 6-2-2006(MM-DD-YYYY)

    "I have returned from the depths of hell to do battle with you." ~ Godot

  12. #12
    pisces_beedrill Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ~xXSapphireXx~
    Timid: lol... Anyways, Timid, sowwy... Not doing PMs anymore... I may decide to do it though...

    pisces_beedril: Care to elaborate more? I don't get the review... Since you just gave me one line, and I don't really know where you want me to improve and all...
    okay. i like the suspence, the characters and the description. i like your writing style. oh and i was just quoting my fave bit of the preview.

  13. #13
    Shadowcat Guest

    Default

    Pikachuism: Am editing it in the Final Version of this Prologue... THANKIES!

    pisces_beedril: Okaay... Thanks...

    ~♥Love Concierge♥~
    CHAPTER PROGRESS
    Prologue: Morning Glory
    83.86% Completed


    Most likely it'll be up today or tomorrow...

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