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Thread: Lucki

  1. #1
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    Hi everyone, this is my first try at something like this. Any advice would be appreciated. I hope it's good!

    4/13/07 - This story is now complete!

    Jump to: Ch2, Ch3, Ch4, Ch5, Ch6, Ch7, Ch8, Ch9, Ch10, Ch11, Ch12, Ch13, Ch14, Ch15, Ch16, Ch17, or the Final Chapter

    Lucki - Chapter One

    Lucki Middling dragged a silver brush rapidly through her chest-length aquamarine hair, her greenish-gold hazel eyes watching her progress in taming her hair in the tall mirror against the wall. When she was satisfied she'd managed to remove most of the snarls and gotten it to lie smoothly, she dropped the brush onto the polished wooden top of her cherry wood bureau with a clatter. She pushed her slightly curly hair back over her shoulders to keep it out of her face, turning around as she did so to look over her room, seeing the same light green bedspread, her stuffed pokemon Vulpix and Seel by her pillow, and a poster of a rearing Rapidash on the wall facing the foot of her bed. She'd be packing it all up soon, she thought, turning to the mahogany door and twisting the bronze doorknob to open it.

    Stepping out Lucki was immediately struck by another girl. "SorrygottagohurryupLucki!" garbled her assailant, bouncing off her and continuing with barely a pause. Lucki watched the crimson hair weave around the other, saner students at a breakneck pace and then disappear down the stairs. Rane was always like that. She was the most impatient person Lucki had ever met, and that, coupled with an inability to plan well enough to arrive places in advance, led to mad dashes to be among the first. The fact that the redhead seemed to consider student-dodging a worthy sport by itself didn't help matters. She'd race to get places she didn't even care about – like class.

    Not that Lucki was sedate herself. Pushing her slightly curly hair back again with fingers tipped in emerald nailpolish, she broke into a jog and followed her friend. It was hard to walk when today was the day pokemon would be distributed among the graduates.

    *

    "We're too late," Rane announced mournfully, the bright green eyed girl sounding truly disappointed. Lucki craned her neck, catching tantalizing glimpses of caged pokemon where the heavy red stage curtain didn't quite meet the wood paneled walls. "What'd you see, Vi?"

    "They kicked me out about as soon as I got up there," the lavender-haired girl reported, sounding an even mix of disappointed, thwarted and scheming. She sent another glance behind her, her lilac eyes speculative, but then, turning back and regarding the growing crowd coming in, sighed in defeat. "I just got a quick look, but they've got a bunch of Eevee, common pokemon like Taillow and Sandshrew, some of the ordinary starters-"

    "Ugh," the two other thirteen year old girls interrupted simultaneously. There was nothing exactly wrong with the ordinary starters, except that they were ordinary, the kind anyone could start with.

    "-at least one Elekid and Magby, a Tauros and I think I saw a Dratini over in the other corner. Oh, and some of them were unusual colors, like a gold Rattata and green Zubat," Violet finished.

    "Cool," breathed Lucki.

    "Special-colors are for collectors, not real trainers," Rane stated. "They're not as tough as normal ones. And that's the last thing you want for your starting pokemon of all things."

    That was true. Pokemon with different colors had usually been bred for a long time for contests or pets, and pokemon sports were often less healthy than others. This wasn't true for all of them, but it was a risk. For a starting pokemon, Lucki knew she needed a dependable, versatile pokemon, one that could handle whatever came up while she was catching her first pokemon and traveling around. Any pokemon could be raised to be strong, but for the first pokemon she got, it was important it be able to handle things from the start. She should probably take her teacher's advice and pick something like a Machop or a Mareep.

    "Please line up," called one of the teachers. "Stop loitering and blocking the doors." The trio of graduates began walking slowly across the dark mottled red carpet of the floor towards the forming line, where a set of wooden stairs led up onto the stage.

    "Think anyone will pick the Rattata?" wondered Violet.

    "No," Rane commented, "not unless they're not serious at all."

    "Not everybody is," Violet remarked.

    "Oh no, don't tell – come on, like we're going to listen!" Lucki wailed, watching the principal, Prof. Hawthorn, walk up to the podium.

    "Attention please," the older blonde-haired woman clad in a grey suit began. "Today is a momentous occasion…"

    "So what kind of pokemon are you going to pick?" asked Violet.

    "I don't know…" Lucki answered. "Do you know, Rane?"

    "A Normal-type. Maybe one of the Eevee. Or one of the others they have. I heard they might have a Teddiursa. But of course you can't just decide," the ruby-haired girl stated. The other two aspiring trainers nodded in agreement. "You have to pick a pokemon based on which seems right for you."

    "I'm going to pick something hard to find," Violet declared. "The pokemon I meet as a trainer are going to be common ones at first, and it'll be a long time before I'll be able to go out into wilder areas. Maybe even a month."

    The three young women stood silently, contemplating that.

    The first students were called up. Lucki's name wasn't among them, but she still didn't know what she wanted and didn't mind delaying the decision a moment longer. There were all sorts of stories about kids who picked wrong and wound up with a disobedient pokemon that hated them. Her classmates picked rarer pokemon, some popular, like two stately black and white Absol, and some less so, like an enthusiastic Elekid, which let out a cheery cry, electricity sparking between the black and yellow electric-plug-like growths on its head. The Eevee were picked steadily, with a girl named Nari picking the white one. Lucki knew Nari didn't have to worry about her choice being frail, she would be getting another from her family.

    Before long, Lucki's name was called. She said a quick goodbye to her friends and walked up to the stage.

    Up there, Lucki turned slowly in a semicircle, looking over the different pokemon. There were around a hundred left. Here and there one of the stainless steel cages was empty, but most were still occupied. The cages ranged in size, and the pokemon within them varied even more, from the two white Ponyta tossing their fiery manes and flicking their flaming tails in the biggest cages to a tiny brown Diglett sitting in a cage at the bottom of a stack of three. The golden Rattata Violet mentioned was there too, its fur shining in the light and clear cerulean eyes staring at her boldly. And there were still others, like the peanutbutter-colored Teddiursa standing with one paw in its mouth looking at her with an adorably curious expression, and a yellow Charmander with black eyes and claws. After a moment she focused on looking for the pokemon she'd been advised to take, Machop, Skarmory, Growlithe, Barboach. She noticed a Machop just left of the center. But before she could decide to pick it, her eyes caught on the pokemon next to it, a small silvery Squirtle. The tiny turtle didn't have the same assertive, self-confident look in its eyes as some of the others, but somehow, Lucki was sure it was the right one.

    "That Squirtle," she decided, and her teacher – former teacher, she thought with a burst of glee – handed her one of the white school pokeballs. Pressing the button, a red beam shot out, striking the Squirtle and turning it to the same shade. The red then sucked back into the pokeball and she was ushered off the stage into the next room.

    There, assembled parents were waiting at tables to meet up with their children before the principal's next speech, this time to them, and the next event, where Lucki and the others would officially be graduating. She headed over to her mother and father, who were sitting at a table on the leftmost row.

    "I just can't believe it," Lucki's mother, a slim woman with reddish-blonde hair, stated happily. "My daughter, about to become a great trainer.

    Her father, who had almost black green hair, smiled. "So what pokemon did you pick?"

    "A Squirtle," Lucki told the middle-aged man. She reached for the white school pokeball, but thought better of it. There were a lot of people around. It didn't seem the best place for introductions. "She's pretty, silver-colored."

    "I thought you Pokemon School kids thought the regular starters weren't unique enough," her mother teased.

    Lucki wondered what Rane and Violet, or the other graduates would think. Probably nothing. It was her choice. "Actually, I didn't intend to, but when I saw the Squirtle, I knew."

    "Well, that's how it should be," declared her brown-eyed father firmly. "Your starter is the pokemon that's with you from the very beginning. The most important thing is for you to feel comfortable with it."

    "Yeah." Lucki smiled.

    "And now…" With a flourish, her father pulled out three boxes from under the table, all covered in bright, shiny wrapping paper with a ribbon and bow on them. "You didn't think we forgot in all of the excitement," he asked jokingly, seeing her golden green eyes light up. "Go on, open them. The one on the top is from your grandparents."

    Lucki reached for the first box. It was covered in soaring Wingull on a blue background with a white ribbon around it. She pushed off the ribbon and tore through the paper, then lifted the lid off, revealing a white leather wallet. The young girl picked it up and opened it to see a sheaf of bills, 150,000 in all. "Alright!" Lucki chirped. "Tell them thanks for me."

    The next present was covered in wrapping paper covered in starts. Inside was a sleek blue gadget Lucki didn't recognize. "What's this?" she wondered, picking it up.

    "It's a new device we've been made a work," her father explained. "It combines the functions of several newer devices with the standard trainer gear, giving item-storage, adjustable maps, an improved radio and phone, as well as the compressed contents of basic trainer guides. It'll be a few years before this'll be publicly available."

    "Thanks!" Lucki voiced delightedly.

    The third package contained a necklace. It had a brilliant green stone encased in thin gold wire, handing from a fine gold chain. "Oh," Lucki whispered, "it's beautiful." She slipped it over her neck so that the stone lay on her chest over the white and black school uniform. It sparkled a moment as it caught on a ray of light.



    So...what do you think? Good? Bad? Horrible? (I hope not...)

    Jump to Chapter Two
    Last edited by icemew; 14th April 2007 at 7:02 AM.

  2. #2
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    Nice! It's an interesting way to recieve the first Pokemon, and the detail was plentiful. This is very impressive for a first try. I'm very hooked, and would love to see more. ^_^
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    Whoo! This was fun! ^^

    Yupyup, despite a few let downs (like over-describing the characters' appearances - I tend to ignore descriptions like that anyway and form my impressions of the character from how they think and behave), you've got an entertaining originality here and a fresh look at ways of getting starting pokemon. ^^ I like it!

    A few things that I liked here:

    like two stately black and white Absol
    ^^ Absol describes as stately. For some reason, that really appeals to me. Probably because it makes them appear more sombre than in other stories where the emphasis is on making them come across as 'cool'.

    okemon with different colors had usually been bred for a long time for contests or pets, and pokemon sports were often less healthy than others. This wasn't true for all of them, but it was a risk.
    A healthy break from the opinion of shinies as '00ber and ultimate'. Refreshing. (I was a little disappointed to learn that Lucki's starter is a shiny - so many stories just load their characters with shinies to make them seem more special - but I get the feeling that you can cope with such cliches. The background and disadvantages you've added into the whole 'shiny' would certainly suggest so. ^^

    [QUOTE"A Normal-type. Maybe one of the Eevee. Or one of the others they have. I heard they might have a Teddiursa. But of course you can't just decide," the ruby-haired girl stated. The other two aspiring trainers nodded in agreement. "You have to pick a pokemon based on which seems right for you."

    "I'm going to pick something hard to find," Violet declared. "The pokemon I meet as a trainer are going to be common ones at first, and it'll be a long time before I'll be able to go out into wilder areas. Maybe even a month."

    The Eevee were picked steadily, with a girl named Nari picking the white one. Lucki knew Nari didn't have to worry about her choice being frail, she would be getting another from her family.[/QUOTE]

    I like the variety and difference between the characters. ^^ For your first try, you're certainly overcoming some of the common troubles newbies face - such as characterisation. Although I'd advise less emphasis on the appearance and more on the emotional and behavioural aspects of your characters, IMO, you're doing very well so far in creating more than just names with attributes attached. You're creating personalities. ^^ Slick work!

    Anyway, there's not much more to say right now cause the story's only just started. So instead I'll advise you to put this beginning to good use and remember for next chapter to keep working with the skillful start you've made on the personalities (including pokemon - I like stories where the pokemon are characters in their own right), avoid appearance centred descriptions except where necessary and possibly lengthen the chapters. The current length is enough, but a lot of people on the forums seem to enjoy longer chapters. ^^ Good luck and fun to you!

    Piney.
    I wish you peace and love. God bless us all.

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    Thanks Ratiasu, I'm glad you liked it!

    Piney, thanks for your advice, I'll do my best to take it.

    For description, do you mean I should have less, or spread it out more, or describe the people less, or...? Are descriptions of pokemon good or bad?

    Lucki's picking of Squirtle was really meant to show that she was going with her feelings rather than everyone's advice. The Squirtle is shiny, but it's also one of the ordinary starting pokemon rather than all the alternatives, so I hope that helps. Plus, in my story, they're not rare except in the wild, because people breed them, so they're not really special. And she definitely won't be getting any more!

    I'll make sure the next chapter is longer. How long should a chapter be (besides longer than what I've got)?

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    At least three pages on whatever program you're using, but six=bliss. Readers love to have enough to read. But take your time.
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    Quote Originally Posted by icemew
    Thanks Ratiasu, I'm glad you liked it!

    Piney, thanks for your advice, I'll do my best to take it.

    For description, do you mean I should have less, or spread it out more, or describe the people less, or...? Are descriptions of pokemon good or bad?

    Lucki's picking of Squirtle was really meant to show that she was going with her feelings rather than everyone's advice. The Squirtle is shiny, but it's also one of the ordinary starting pokemon rather than all the alternatives, so I hope that helps. Plus, in my story, they're not rare except in the wild, because people breed them, so they're not really special. And she definitely won't be getting any more!

    I'll make sure the next chapter is longer. How long should a chapter be (besides longer than what I've got)?
    As Ratiasu said, six pages is awesome. Longer, if you can, (though I like to draw the line at about fourteen pages) but whatever you do, don't force it. Write what you can. ^^

    And with description, it depends on the usage. A few rules of thumb (according to my tastes) are to avoid describing the appearances of your characters (most especially the human characters, but pokemon too, unless they're unusual in some way) in favour of describing the way they speak, move and think. In my experience, it's quicker and more fun to build a character through their behaviour than what the look like. Don't take this to mean 'ignore all character appearance description', but moderate your description so that the balance is in favour of the behaviour (remember that this is just my personal preference). And yah, it helps to spread out description so there's a balance between action and description (though I feel like a hypocrite to say this... ><).

    As for the shinies, I like your explanation. It makes sense and I reckon it adds flavour to have a realistic reason why pokemon might be different colours. ^^ Nice work there!

    Hope this helps a bit.

    Piney.
    I wish you peace and love. God bless us all.

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    Okay...six pages I can do (fourteen o.O scary).

    And more behavior/what people are doing. That's harder, but I'll try.

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    Hey! This was good! I really enjoyed, it, and, that's a different way to spell "Lucky". I never thought of it that wasy before.
    As Ratiasu said, that's an interesting way to recieve your first Pokemon.
    I think you write very well, and I can't wait to see how this story develops.

    Kenouni Renashin

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    Thanks Kenouni Renashin, I'm glad you like it too.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kenouni Renashin
    I can't wait to see how this story develops.
    I'll try to have the next chapter up tomorrow...and have it be longer. And you might be very surprised by how it ends up developing.

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    In that case, I can't wait! *subscribes*

    I reread the ending, and it could've been more ending-ish, like how a paragraph has a concluding sentence. But either way, it was a very good start. ^_^

    If you have the time, I would like you to read Sayuri, or one of my fics, but I recommend Sayuri for it is a lot shorter....^_^
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    Ratiasu, I guess I'm not really good with endings. I tried to give this chapter more of a conclusion but...I don't know if it worked. And I'll definitely go read your story.

    I hope this chapter is long enough, everyone!


    Chapter Two - Three Battles

    Lucki was alone at last up in her room. Well, here goes nothing. She pressed the button on the white pokeball, and the silvery Squirtle appeared on the floor next to her bed. Looking more closely at the water type, she saw her pokemon was a girl.

    "Hi," she greeted. "We didn't get a chance to be introduced. I'm Lucki, your trainer."

    "Squir," the Squirtle responded, her voice a bit timid but friendly.

    "Let's see, I guess you need a name," Lucki mentioned thoughtfully. "How about Silver?"

    The Squirtle nodded agreeably, seeming pleased.

    "Okay, Silver it is. Tomorrow, we'll set off on our pokemon journey. But right now I've got to pack up, so you'll have to go back into your pokeball until than." She recalled Silver, walked over to the wall, and began detaching her poster. It didn't take long, and the rest of the packing didn't take much longer. When she was finished, she lay down to go to sleep, thinking of the next day.

    In the morning, the former students gathered in front of the school, looking for friends and saying goodbyes. Lucki pushed through the crowd until she found Rane and Violet.

    "Hi," she called out.

    "Hi," the two replied. Rane continued, "So hey, now that you're here, let's introduce our pokemon."

    The three friends turned to the right and pushed their way back out of the crowd. They stopped under one of the big oaks. Other groups were around, some who must have had the same idea and were letting their pokemon out quickly. Further off, one pair was already battling.

    "I'll go first," decided Vi. She sent out a stocky mottled yellow pokemon with blue eyes. "This is Shira, my Sandshrew," she introduced.

    "Sand!" Shira added, punctuating the statement.

    Violet recalled her pokemon. Rane went next, sending out one of the cute brown bears Lucki remembered seeing before. "Star," she told them, naming the Teddiursa.

    Next, Lucki opened her own pokeball. "This is Silver." The tiny turtle looked small in comparison to the others' pokemon, with slim, almost frail limbs.

    "She's pretty, but kind of petite," Rane mentioned after the pokemon was recalled. "I thought you wanted something…"

    "I'll train her a bit before our first battle," Lucki decided.

    "Besides Rane, Squirtle are standard pokemon," Violet reminded, although she did look a bit unimpressed. "They're not weaklings."

    "I didn't mean that. I was just surprised. Anyway, where are you guys planning to go?"

    "I'm going to head towards Rustboro," Lucki stated.

    "I was planning on trying out Mauville's Gym and seeing if I can get a Dynamo badge."

    "I'm going in that direction too, but," Rane added, "heading down to Slateport instead."

    "So I guess we're splitting up." Lucki looked at her two friends for a moment. "But, we'll probably run into each other again soon, so it's not like we won't be meeting again."

    "Yeah." Rane smiled.

    The three young trainers walked out through the ornate, cast-iron gates that had been opened earlier. Lucki headed northwest, which would take her through the heart of Verdanturf and then towards the cave passage beyond it.

    Lucki followed the sidewalk through the town, breathing in the beautiful clear air. Everything was vibrant and happy. The deep green tree leaves, the emerald blades of grass, the flowering bushes of all different colors, all seemed to radiate a dewy contentment and heath. It was a perfect day for the start of a pokemon journey.

    It didn't take her long to arrive at the Pokemart. She picked up a basket just inside the automatic sliding doors, and then headed for the nearby pharmacy section. The school gave all students a couple potions, full heals and revives, but that was only a starter kit and the former students were expected to stock up on more once they started. She picked up a few paralyze heals, a number of antidotes, a burn heal spray just in case, and a couple of awakenings. She also took a super potion. Then she moved over to the pokeball section. She picked up a few pokeballs and a greatball in case she needed one. Now she just needed pokemon food.

    Lucki moved into the next aisle and looked over the selection. There was standard food, as well as mixes specially made for certain types. After considering for a moment, she picked up a case for water pokemon and added it to the basket.

    There was another section next to it, shelved with accessory-style items for individual pokemon, like ribbons. One on shelf she saw small metal circlets. According to the tags, they were translators. Cool. Lucki picked one up and let Silver out. She put it around the Squirtle's neck. "That's a translator, try it out," she urged.

    Silver opened her mouth. As soon as the first "Squir" came out, the translator chimed in. "Translator?" she said, then, "Cool!"

    Lucki laughed. "I guess we'll be buying that, then." She headed to the checkout, then stored the items and went back out onto the sidewalk. Lucki continued on her way until she was out of the town.

    She stopped by a copse of trees. This looked like a good place to start. She tossed out Silver's pokeball. The water type looked around in wonder, then turned to her.

    "I bet you haven't had practice battling, right?"

    "No," Silver agreed apologetically.

    "It's okay, but we should practice before we battle. Do you know any water moves yet?"

    Silver shook her head. "Sorry."

    "You'll learn. Right now, we should practice your tackle."

    Silver nodded.

    "Try tackling that tree," Lucki decided, pointing to a sleek young elm.

    Silver nodded again. "Okay," she said. She took a deep breath and ran at the tree, striking into it with a thump. The branches rustled slightly.

    "Great, now keep trying!"

    Silver ran forward again. This time, the tree's branches shook visibly.

    After a few tries, Lucki decided Silver seemed confident enough in using her attack. She didn't want her pokemon to get tired out before they'd even had their first battle.

    "Okay Silver, that's good. Let's see if we can find a pokemon to battle now."

    "Sure!" agreed Silver.

    Lucki continued walking in the direction of the cave pass. She saw a wurmple crawling along the grass and approached it. "Hi, um, can I battle you?"

    The wurmple nodded. "Wurm."

    "Okay. Silver?"

    Silver nodded, looking a bit uncertain but focused.

    "Tackle!"

    Silver ran at the red worm pokemon, hitting it directly and knocking it backward. It spat out a white thread in response that caught on her shell and stuck.

    Stringshot, Lucki remembered. It would slow an opponent down. "Quick, see if you can get it off."

    Silver reached for it to tug it off, but when she felt it sticking to her hands she tried to pull them loose instead. The wurmple took advantage of her distraction to tackle her. "Oof!" The impact pulled her hands loose though.

    "Tackle," Lucki tried again, but then quickly yelled, "Dodge," as the bug type sent another sticky thread towards Silver, who ducked it just in time and barreled forward, striking it hard enough to knock it off its many feet and send it tumbling. This dazed it and it laid there, eyes confused spirals.

    "Great, we won!" announced Lucki, heading over to disentangle Silver. She sprayed some potion on a bruise on Silver's chest where she had been tackled, then headed over to do the same to the wurmple, which grunted agreeably and began to crawl off.

    "Thanks for helping me fight," Silver praised. "I didn't think I'd win."

    "You did great yourself, Silver," Lucki responded.

    Lucki continued towards the tunnel, which was now visible in the distance. She didn't see anything new on her way there, except for a few taillow flying high up in the distance.

    She stopped just inside the mouth of the tunnel to let her eyes adjust. Once they did she started to walk across the pink-grey stone of the mountain. It was misty and cool, and Lucki's vision was obscured at a distance, but she could still see well enough. Ten feet in, a Whismur scampered into the path and faced at her, muttering softly to itself, then continued away again. This happened a few times until another Whismur stopped in front of her. It was hard to tell with the light purple pokemon's squinty eyes, but it seemed to be staring or glaring at Lucki. After a moment it let out a short cry that sounded similar to an uproar attack.

    "You want to fight?" she asked it, and when it nodded added, "Well, okay."

    Lucki released Silver from her pokeball with a flash of white light. "Start off with a tackle," she told Silver when the Squirtle appeared.

    It was hard to read the expressions of a pokemon like Whismur, but Lucki thought it looked a bit perplexed by Silver. It had probably never seen a Squirtle before, they weren't natives of Hoenn or that common for trainers there. If they weren't a standard Kanto starter, the school probably wouldn't have even had one as an option, and Lucki didn't remember seeing any other Squirtle there to choose.

    Lucki was brought out of her thoughts as Silver, after taking a deep breath, launched herself at the dull purple and yellow pokemon, striking it with the hard shell of her chest. The whisper pokemon retaliated by pounding the tiny turtle over the head hard enough to knock her off balance so she nearly fell onto her stomach. She ducked the next pound by pulling her head suddenly into her shell, then tackled the normal type again after it had banged its fist on the edge of her armor.

    The Whismur backed up a few steps. Lucki wondered if it would use uproar, but instead it lunged its upper body towards Silver in a sudden, unexpectedly fast motion. An afterimage seemed to break off and continue for a second, striking into Silver, who recoiled and flinched from the surprise of the astonish attack. The Whismur approached to take advantage of this with another pound attack.

    "Quick, dodge!" Lucki called, and Silver regained her wits in time to jump to the side. Frustrated, the Whismur looked at the two sourly, opened its mouth widely and inhaled with enough force that Lucki could feel the air tugging at her. The normal type puffed up much like the unrelated Jigglypuff, then began letting out bellowing cries, the sound waves striking the tiny turtle and wearing her down.

    "Tackle again!" yelled Lucki over the background din.

    Spurred by the painful noise, Silver struck the other pokemon hard and managed to pin it against one rock wall of the tunnel, squishing enough air out of the Whismur to stop the attack and daze it so that the whisper pokemon couldn't continue the battle.

    Lucki quickly ran over to spray a potion on Silver's bruises. Before she could do the same for the Whismur, the pokemon had gotten up and headed away, murmuring to itself.

    The end of the tunnel was in sight, so Lucki hurried onward. She didn't see any more Whismur along the way.

    She stepped out of the cave, blinking as her eyes adjusted again to the sunlight.

    "Oh, hey!" called a girl's voice. Lucki shaded her eyes and looked to the sound, seeing a fourteen year old girl with dark green hair braided tightly together with a silver ribbon threaded through it that sparkled in the light. By her side walked an odd pokemon on delicate golden cream colored legs, blinking large brown eyes set in a face of the same color with odd fur that tapered into twin sideways peaks on either side of its head. It had a long, thin tail ending in a tuft of purple fur waving back and forth gently, purple ears, and around its neck what looked almost like a fur collar that had two small balls sticking out on either side. After a moment, Lucki recognized it as a Delcatty. She was familiar with the rare preevolved form, but the evolution was rarer still, which was why she had had trouble remembering it.

    "Hi," Lucki called back as the girl walked over.

    "Is that your pokemon?"

    Lucki nodded. "Her name's Silver."

    "Hi," added Silver.

    "You're a trainer then?"

    "We just started," Lucki explained. "My name's Lucki."

    "I'm Atki, and this is Princess," she introduced, gesturing to the Delcatty. "Want to battle?"

    Lucki glanced down to Silver. "Are you up to it?" she asked. Silver nodded. "Okay then."

    "Body slam," commanded Atki once that had been resolved.

    "Dodge and use tail whip," Lucki countered.

    The Delcatty ran forward and leapt into the air. Silver darted right just before Princess slammed into the ground, then smacked the normal type in the face with her tail, forcing the prim pokemon's eyes closed. Quickly, Lucki ordered a tackle while the evolved pokemon's defense was down, and Silver charged forward, striking hard into Princess' left side before she could recover. The Delcatty retaliated, swiping at Silver with her tail in a sharp doubleslap move.

    "Quick, flash!" shouted Atki.

    Princess stilled a moment, closing her eyes. A moment later a sudden burst of light came from the feline pokemon. Silver stood dazed, blinking blankly in confusion. The normal type opened her eyes and ran forward, picking up high speed in a double-edge attack.

    "Get out of the way, Silver!" Lucki yelled quickly.

    Silver rolled to one side blindly, the Delcatty shooting past her. She rubbed her eyes, which were still displaying a blur of afterimages from the flash attack. They cleared just in time for her to see Princess barreling towards her. Startled, she stood frozen a moment, barely hearing Lucki telling her to dodge, just staring at the pokemon about to hit her. Then suddenly, she shot out a blast of water, striking the catlike pokemon hard enough to make her swerve away. Princess stopped, shaking herself to dislodge the water.

    "Great!" called Lucki. "You learned water gun!"

    Silver nodded proudly. She sent another one towards Princess, but the prim pokemon jumped over it and twisted around to doubleslap Silver with her tail again. Silver struck her with a third water gun, but the normal type jumped away quickly to break free of the move.

    "Faint attack," Atki decided.

    Princess vanished. Silver looked around, and then was struck suddenly in the back by her again visible opponent hard enough to send her flying. The tiny turtle lay dazed on the ground.

    Lucki sighed. "I guess we lost."

    Jump to Chapter Three
    Last edited by icemew; 16th February 2006 at 11:25 PM.

  12. #12
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    Everything was vibrant and happy. The deep green tree leaves, the emerald blades of grass, the flowering bushes of all different colors, all seemed to radiate a dewy contentment and heath. It was a perfect day for the start of a pokemon journey.
    Beautiful. ^_^

    I like how you brought Lucki two wins and gave her a loss. It seems like a real trainer, getting confident with the wins and getting a bit over her head.

    "Faint attack," decided Atki.
    Atki decided would sound better.

    Can't wait for the next installment!
    My tumblr or something: x

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    Thanks Ratiasu, I'm glad you liked it. And you're right, it does sound better that way.

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    Hey again!

    Whee! Nice chapter! Actually, you're dealing with some of the issues I'm struggling to sort out myself. How trainers battle wild pokemon is one of them - I like your solution of asking for the battle and then healing the loser afterwards. Sweet and polite. ^^

    Another bonus is the balance that Ratiasu already pointed out - Lucki lost. After training against two wild pokemon, she lost to an actual trainer. ^^ Great. Nice realism there - especially since I don't see how Silver actually COULD have won against Princess. Against wild pokemon, it's kinda understandable that Silver would win but against a fully evolved, trained foe, it's expected that she would lose - and she did. It's wonderful to see that you're mature enough to let your character lose. ^^

    The only thing that really annoyed me abou thtis chapter was the amount of time Silver spent in her ball. Yah, so Lucki had to pack - wouldn't she have let her new buddy explore the setting a bit while she worked? Mebbe show the little critter interesting items as she stashed them into the bags? IMO, it would have been a lovely opportunity to start building a relationship there. It might just be me, but I suspect that if I had just gotten my first pokemon, I'd want it out beside me as much as possible - if only for the novelty and feeling like a 'real' trainer. But then, that's spoken as someone who wasn't raised in amongst pokemon, so I suppose Lucki's simply so used to having them around that it's nothing incredibly special to have her very own. Still, Silver's got a translator and I have trouble seeing how anyone could keep something that talks back to you in a little ball. Eh, this babble is reflective of my own ideas and tastes for writing pokemon stories so feel totally free to disregard the lot. I WILL suggest, however, that you take care to build Silver's personality as much as Lucki's - especially since you're going for the 'sentient/talking' pokemon option as opposed to having them as rather bright creatures.

    Actually, I liked the way you had the girls introduce their pokemon - it made it more... mmm, I think the word is 'rich' in terms of personality. It feels more like a meeting of buddies than a showing off of acquisitions. ^^ Lovely. And the way you had Lucki properly introduce herself to Silver was great when they were alone was great (though I would have liked ot see a little more interaction between the two of them - not only at that point in the story, but through out).

    Just briefly, I'll mention that I would have liked more... 'running' description that the static statements you provided about the Delcatty and other objects of interest. What I mean here is that what you've got:

    By her side was an odd pokemon, with a golden cream colored body, large brown eyes and odd fur that tapered into twin sideways peaks on either side of its face. It had a long, thin tail ending in a tuft of purple fur, purple ears, and around its neck what looked almost like a fur collar that had two small balls sticking out on either side.
    is great, but it's rather static. It doesn't do anything but say how it looked. I'd rather hear about what the thing is DOING. Perhaps you could have said what it looked like as it moved beside its trainer - maybe rubbing against Atki's legs and curling and unfurling its tail. Description within action is just one option, but I'd suggest you do something to put a little spark into your description so it's not just a flat list of the way something looks. ...er, you might have noticed I'm nitpicking here. Please take it as a compliment - it means I reckon you've got the basics down so you're free to work on the details. ^^

    Anyway, overall, you've done well. This is fast paced enough to keep my attention (which is incredibly prone to wandering) and yet detailed enough to be satisfying. VERY well done. ^^ Keep up the good work!

    Piney.
    I wish you peace and love. God bless us all.

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    That's a good idea for Princess, Piney, I'll see if I can edit that...

    I suppose Silver could be out more, but back at the school there's no translator, so they can't really talk, and Lucki did need to pack. Her room's small (and I know I hate having people around to get in the way while I'm packing/cleaning somewhere) plus it's distracting. Silver is out a lot more past that point. I'll try to keep it in mind.

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    Hello. This is a good fic, I like it. The description could be less vague, but it is satisfying enough that I take interest in it. It has a good story, but the characters seem a bit bland. Try to add more to their personalities. But as I said, the way it is would get a four, three at least. Anyways, I will stick around. The spelling was good, at least I didn't see anything. Grammar was good so I have nothing left to point out. Sorry I can't be more helpful, I'm not good at reviewing. But keep it up, and try to spice up the character, be more descriptive, and maybe a side plot besides the whole 'Team {Insert Here}' thing. Good luck, I'll be here next chapter.

    Smuggler


    Coming Soon....

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    Their personalities are bland? How should I fix that? And more descriptive, okay. Side plot...well, there is more of a plot to this, don't worry! ^^ Is it okay to have a team showing up, though?

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    Hello agina. In reply to your post above, if they were original, or more cruel than in the games, sure, it wouldn't be bad to have teams. But it's your fic, you reeled me in so I'll read it either way. And how would be an example of personality? Well, like one of Lucki's Pokemon being a prat, the other misheivous (sp?), Lucki having a certain mystery of her past or something like them. Honestly, I'll still reed it. Good Luck

    Smuggler


    Coming Soon....

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    Well, okay. I'll try. I am planning to include the original team in this, so I guess...see what you think when it's posted, maybe I'll edit it out if it doesn't work or something.

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    Chapter Three - Training



    Lucki looked to Atki. "Good battle. Your Delcatty's really something."

    "You two are pretty good too," the girl responded before heading off.

    "Sorry..." Silver apologized after she'd recovered and received a potion, looking downcast.

    "It's okay. You did great for your first battle against another trainer. And you learned a new move."

    "Really?"

    "Yeah." Lucki nodded. "We'll train more and get stronger."

    "Right!" agreed Silver.

    The two headed onward along the Route 116 path.

    "Hey," Silver mentioned. "Do you hear that?"

    Lucki paused and listened. Sure enough there was a soft, whimpering sound. She moved toward it carefully. It was coming from behind a bush. The young trainer pushed aside the branches and saw a small Taillow, the navy blue feathers of one wing mussed and bloody.

    "Oh..." whispered Lucki. She carefully picked up the injured bird, cradling it in her arms, and started off toward the Rustboro Pokemon Center.

    It didn't take long before she reached it. The Nurse Joy's Chansey quickly ferried the tiny swallow pokemon away.

    "Will it be okay?" asked Lucki.

    "It should be," Nurse Joy stated. "We'll know in a few hours if there are any complications."

    "Oh, okay. Also, my Squirtle's tired, could you heal her?"

    Nurse Joy nodded and accepted Silver's pokeball. A few minutes later she handed it back and Lucki headed out of the Pokecenter.

    Lucki cast a wistful glance toward the Rustboro Gym, but continued on southward to Route 104. Silver hadn't been strong enough to win against Atki's Delcatty. They needed more training before they'd be ready to take on a Gym Leader.

    Once there, she released Silver. "We need to do some more practice before we'll be ready to try for a badge," Lucki explained. "We'll start with your water gun."

    Silver nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah."

    "Let's start by practicing your targeting," Lucki stated. She looked around. "See that round knothole on that tree over there? Try to hit that."

    Silver's first shot was too high, but after a few tries she could hit it right in the center.

    "Okay, now switch to that rock over there."

    Silver nodded. She turned to aim. This time it took her fewer tries to hit it properly.

    Lucki continued switching Silver's targets, making them smaller and further off as Silver improved, until she could hit any of them on the first try.

    "Great Silver, you're really getting the hang of it. Let's practice power now." Lucki set one of the small rocks from the ground on the start of the bridge over the Lilypetal Lake. "See how far you can push it."

    Silver inhaled and shot a pellet of water toward the rock, sending it clattering over several feet of wooden planks.

    "Good. Now, keep going until you knock it off the other side."

    This took a number of tries, but finally the grey stone reached the end of the straight area of the bridge and plunked into the water. Silver sighed and sat back, tired out.

    "Let's break for lunch," Lucki decided. She settled down on a patch of dry grass and pulled out the gadget her father had given her. With the press of a few buttons Silver's pokemon food and a prepacked sandwich appeared. Lucki poured out Silver's meal and handed it to the Squirtle, then started on her own food. The two ate contentedly for several minutes.

    When they finished, Lucki and Silver headed back to the bridge end. Lucki set a second rock down on the edge and they continued practicing until Silver could knock it off with a single water gun.

    "Well, Silver," Lucki commented, "I think you've really improved. Plus, it's getting late, so let's head back, okay?"

    Silver nodded. "Yeah, I'm tired.:"

    Lucki recalled her and trotted back toward Rustboro.

    She reentered the Pokecenter and went back up to the counter, giving Nurse Joy Silver again. "How's the Taillow doing?" Lucki asked.

    Nurse Joy smiled. "He seems to be recovering well." She healed the Squirtle quickly and handed it back.

    "Thanks." Lucki took Silver's pokeball back.

    "You're a new trainer from the Verdanturf Pokemon School, aren't you?"

    "Yeah," Lucki affirmed.

    "Would you be interested in getting another pokemon? A local breeding center just closed. I've found homes for most of them, but I've still got one left. He's never battled before, and he's a bit old, but there's no reason he couldn't be trained as a fighter. Would you be interested in taking a look?"

    "Sure," Lucki told her. "What type?"

    "He's a fire type, and since you've started with a water pokemon, you could probably use him."

    Nurse Joy led Lucki off into one of the pokemon rooms. From the size, Lucki thought there had probably been a lot to start, but there was only one there now.

    He was an adolescent. Lucki could tell because he was a bit smaller than a full-grown adult. She realized Nurse Joy must have meant a bit old to have never battled rather than in general. The Flareon was covered in fluffy red and white fur and looked quite healthy. He looked somewhat bored and glanced up as they entered.

    "I'll take him," Lucki decided. "If that's okay with you, Flareon?" The Flareon wagged his tail and barked agreeably, walking over.

    *

    "Okay," Lucki said, fastening the translator around the Flareon's neck. "Try that out."

    "Hello," the Flareon tried.

    "Now you just need a nickname. Do you have one?"

    "No. I was the only Flareon there, so I was just called that."

    Lucki thought for a moment, but nothing came to mind. "I'll just call you Flare for now, until I can think of a better nickname," she decided. She headed to the checkout counter to buy the translator.

    Lucki returned to Route 104. "Silver, today I want you to practice keeping your attack going. See how long you can sustain a water gun. Flare, do you know ember?" He nodded. "Okay then, we'll practice aiming that."

    They trained for a few hours.

    "I'm exhausted," complained Silver.

    "You've been working hard," agreed Lucki. "I guess you deserve a break. Why don't you go swimming?"

    "Swimming?" Silver repeated uncertainly, casting a glance to the nearby lake shore.

    "Sure. Don't all Squirtle like swimming?"

    "I don't know. I've never gone swimming," admitted Silver.

    "Then you definitely need to," Lucki stated. "Go on, try it out."

    Silver nodded and headed over to the shoreline. She gingerly entered the shallows.

    Lucki turned back to Flare, only to realize he was no longer there. The fire type had trotted away a few yards. He looked playful, his tail wagging slightly, then ran a few more feet, looking over his shoulder at her as if daring her to chase him.

    "Hey, come back here!"

    She chased him about for several minutes before managing to catch him. It wasn't that hard, though, once she started to try. "Whew..." she sighed. "I guess you're not tired out. You up for more training, then?"

    "Yeah," he said.

    "Back to target practice then."

    At lunchtime, the three took a break to eat and rest.

    "Hey! Stop!" a man's voice shouted as someone raced past Lucki. By the time Lucki had processed she had seen an older teen in the heavy red outfit of a Team Magma uniform, hood up, with one hand wrapped around the handle of a plain grey briefcase, his pursuer had reached her side. He was an older man with brown hair in a dark grey suit, breathing heavily.

    "You're a trainer," he gasped. "Please, can you catch him?"

    Lucki looked at the Team Magma member's retreating figure. He was heading into the Petalburg Woods. She nodded, recalling her two pokemon, and took off after him.

    The forest was gloomy and tangled. For the first several steps while her eyes were adjusting she was half blind and had to hope she was still on the path and wouldn't run into a rock or bush, but then her eyes adapted and she was able to make out the inner forest and then the dulled red of the Team Magma outfit where the older boy was resting. He had seen her as well and took off a second later, but she charged after. He was tired, so she gained on him. The Petalburg path was twisty and hard to see while you were running at top speed. The Team Magma member took a wrong turn and wound up cornered against the bushes.

    "Give that back!" she ordered.

    Instead he threw out one of his pokeballs. A small pokemon not much larger than the shiny Rattata Lucki had seen two days ago appeared. Despite this, its dark, thick fluffy fur, yellow eyes and huge visible fangs made it appear more intimidating. "Tackle, Poochyena!"

    She picked Silver. "Water gun!"

    The bite pokemon charged toward the tiny turtle, who inhaled and then shot a stream of water directly into it, knocking it back. While the half-dazed and soaked dark type lay stunned, Silver ran forward and collided with it in her own tackle attack. The Poochyena bit her but its jaws closed on the side of her shell, slipping off with a clack as they snapped together. A second water gun knocked it away.

    "Who are you?" he demanded. "From Team Aqua?"

    "Of course not!" Lucki snapped. "Another water gun, Silver!"

    "Sunny day!" the boy ordered. Poochyena growled softly, shaking its fur out. Light streamed through the tree leaves, brightening the battle area even more than the field Lucki had come from. "Now mud-slap!"

    While Silver was blinking in the sudden light, the Poochyena spun and kicked with its back legs, sending mud flying into her face. While Silver was trying to get it out of her eyes, the doglike pokemon tried another bite attack, this time on her tail. Silver jumped in surprise and shook it off. Once she could see again, she sent another water gun at it, but this time it was further away and dodged.

    "Try another tackle!" called Lucki.

    Silver nodded. She charged the smaller dark type and rammed into it. The Poochyena fainted.

    The Team Magma boy swore, recalling the fainted bite pokemon. "Here!" he snapped, flinging the briefcase at her hard enough to knock her backward and taking off into the bushes.


    *

    Now you know why there are all those puddles outside Rustboro. It's Lucki's fault.

    Jump to Chapter Four
    Last edited by icemew; 27th February 2006 at 12:56 AM.

  21. #21
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    Alright, first a confession. Until now I've been one of your 'phantom readers'... those gits that read fics and don't review. For that I apologise, but your fic is picking up pace somewhat, and I never reject a review request. :P

    Good Points
    -Compassion. I prefer to read fics that actually highlight apathetic characters, but it's actually nice to see a character that shows compassion and honour. It's touching to see Lucki actually use one of her potions to heal the wild Pokemon that Silver had defeated.
    -The fic is well-written. No notable spelling or grammar errors, so kudos there.
    -Nice to see that she receives her Pokemon not from Professor *Insert Tree Species*, but from the Pokemon School in Rustboro (which makes more sense to me).
    -Couldn't help but chuckle at the puddles remark. Silver's target practice made for some early eye-candy in RuSa then
    -Excellent use of character, in Chapter One particularly.

    'Bad' Points
    -I think you need to use a little more description, with both characters/Pokemon and their surroundings. Your first chapter featured quite a lot, and i was impressed, but I feel this has waned over the next two installments. A bit more will make the environment easier to imagine and improve your fic greatly.
    -Somewhat cliche'd. She starts with a Squirtle... okay, I can get over that. But her second Pokemon is a Flareon?! I'm intrigued to see whether this will make her a Mary-Sue or not.

    Somewhat briefer than my normal reviews, but it's late and I didn't wanna drag on too much.

    Take in your critiques, and build on them. Keep up the good work and I look forward on the next installment.

    -OL

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    You're right, I'll be sure to step up the description in the next chapter. I guess I was rushing a little.

    Well, I promise that Lucki's next pokemon will be a lot more common. Flareon seem underused to me though...all the other evolutions are more popular, and, although I'm not a fanfic expert, it seems to only show up pretty much when all of the evolutions are present.

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    I never meant on an UU or OU scale. Flareon IS the least used Eeveelution... poor guy.

    I was just a tad suprised that Flareon was her second Poke. Despite being UU, they are powerful... I would've thought it would not obey Lucki or appear apathetic.

    It would be great to see Flame disobey Lucki or whatever. That would really highlight it's age you describe in the last chapter... teens never do as they're told!

    Well good luck again.

    -OL

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    I'll give you the basics-

    Good Points-
    Description is very good! I get a picture of what is going on.
    Characters-Very unique with great personality.
    You used Flareon! It is my favorite Eevee evolution.
    Well written- It is very neat and easy to read.

    Bad points-
    Ummmmmm...I really didn't see any.

    Overall:
    10/10
    5 stars/5 stars
    Three and a

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    Overwhelming_Latias, sorry, but Flare probably won't be disobedient. He's a breeding-center pokemon and was pretty bored hanging around the Pokecenter, so until Lucki screws up, he won't cause trouble. That, or until he gets stronger and winds up self-important . All of her pokemon won't be so well behaved, though...won't say any more about that now. Anyway, I guess you're right that Flareon are strong, but I'm not really going much on stats, and he's got no fighting experience, so he at least won't be. Lucki's going to have a LOT of training to do.

    And King of the Munchlax, thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

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