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Thread: Franticshipping fan-fic: Ruins Of Mystery

  1. #1
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    Default Franticshipping fan-fic: Ruins Of Mystery

    This is my Franticshipping fan-fic: The Ruins of Mystery.
    The main Characters are Ruby and Sapphire.
    Rated PG possibly PG13
    enjoy.


    Frantic Shipping fan-fic:
    The Ruins Of Mystery
    Chapter 1: Falling

    “Hurry up Ruby!” Yelled out a girl with brown hair wearing a blue bandana, her deep blue eyes shining as she ran up the grassy hill. Meanwhile a boy wearing a white, black, and red cap followed closely behind her, his deep red eyes followed her, both pokemon trainers scurried up the hill as fast as they could. They both reached the top of the hill and began to gasping for breath. Ruby looked up and saw what Sapphire wanted to show him: Ruins, tall, white, moss covered ruins that stuck of the ground the setting sun tinted the ruins an orange-red color. Ruby was speechless his gaze stared ahead towards the ruins. Sapphire smiled, “I discovered them yesterday when I was chasing a Seviper away from a nest of Swablu, they’re beautiful aren’t they?” Sapphire said as she turned towards the pillars. Ruby began walking forward, “Let’s go! They look interesting!” yelled out Ruby, Sapphire stared at him with a surprised look on her face, then she smiled and stated, “Aren’t you worried you’ll get your clothes dirty?” Ruby turned away and blushed, “It’s alright! I won’t mind too much.” She stared at him again then smiled, she grabbed his hand and began running towards the ruins. Ruby stumbled a few times before regaining his balance Sapphire was always outgoing and happy about nature, he never thought that ruins like those would catch her eye. He mused a bit about her likes and dislikes, then he began running along side her. They both ran as fast as they could, almost as if they were trying to see who would get there first. Both trainers the stopped, they were amazed by the size of the ruins. “They looked so much smaller from a distance...” stated Sapphire as she looked around. Ruby looked around as well and began to walk deeper into the ruins, Sapphire soon noticed and began to follow. As both trainers wandered about, Sapphire noticed something strange, an iron bar stuck out of the ground, it was covered in images of Kyogre and Groudon, its polished surface shone brightly compared to the moss covered stones. “Ruby... look at this... what could it be?” Ruby stood by her side and stared at the strange artifact, he was a bit bewildered, it didn’t match its surrounding, it was almost as if it was placed there recently. Ruby studied it closely, then he noticed something strange written on the bottom. “Look...” he said as he moved closer, he had to lean a bit forward to read it. Sapphire moved with him, her eyes transfixed on the letters, then they both read: “This is where the battle begins.”
    Just then the ground beneath them began to crumble, making the two stumble forward, a large pit suddenly appeared beneath them. They both screamed and began to fall, parts of the crumbling ground fell all around them. “Sapphire! Use Tororo!” Ruby yelled to her. Sapphire nodded in response, but, Just as Sapphire reached for her Tropius’s pokeball, a piece of the crumbled ground crashed down upon her, she flinched, then fainted. Ruby gasped and reached for her, they plummeted deeper and deeper into the pit, pieces or rock and dirt continued to fall around them. He grabbed her and held her close to his chest, Then he used his legs and pushed against the wall, he turned himself around, he was prepared to take the full force of the fall for her.
    Just then, from outside of the pit, a large THUMP echoed through the ruins, then became silent once more, the echos of the crumbling ground stopped.

    ~~

    Sapphire began to open her eyes, her head throbbed in pain, her body was sore. As her vision focused she suddenly found herself in a dark cavern, only the bit of light pouring from the ceiling allowed her to see her surroundings. Suddenly, she remembered what happened, the ruins, the iron bar, the pit, the fall... As she began to lift herself up and realized that she was laying on top of Ruby. She gasped and rolled off, His breathing was heavy and the back of his head bleed a little bit. “Ruby!” she yelled as she began to lift him. His eyes opened slowly and he began to smile weakly at her, “A-are you o-okay?” he said. Tears stung her eyes, she began to tremble. Ruby closed his eyes again and sighed, “Don’t worry, I’m fine...” He began to lift himself up. “No! Don’t! You’ll just hurt yourself even more!” Sapphire screamed as she stood up to try and stop him. “I-its alright,” he said weakly, “this wont hurt me, I’ve survived more pain than this.” Sapphire tried to yell at him but she couldn’t, she remembered their battle against Groudon and Kyogre, she remembered about the scar given to him when he protected her from the Salamence when they were both very young, she couldn’t say anything back to hime. Ruby stumbled a bit and examined the cave, the pit above them had somehow disappeared and all that was left was the cavern that they fell in, the floor was a bit damp, then again it did just recently rain in Hoenn, some wild pokemon hung around, watching their every move, then he saw a tunnel leading deeper into the cave. Sapphire stood next to him, “Do you think that tunnel might lead to a way out?” Sapphire questioned, she still worried about his condition. Ruby stared ahead for a while, thinking. “It probably will, but it may lead to a dead end. We might as well use it, we cant smash through the cavern ceiling, it might fall on us.” he said as he looked up, parts of the cavern crumbled slowly, if they began to dig out it could cause a landslide, trapping them both. Sapphire nodded and they both began to walked down the dark tunnel, they walked deep into its depths, there hopes of escaping this place all rested in what lay beyond the darkness.
    “This is where the battle begins...” Those words seem to have already been forgotten.
    Last edited by silverdragonlaura; 11th October 2007 at 5:11 AM. Reason: missed a word

    ~Here I thought I lost you, when you were here all along.... ~
    I've missed you!
    -Image drawn (hastily) by me-



  2. #2
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    You have an interesting plot and an interesting couple. You have great description as well, like when you described the ruins, but I feel that you could add much more. Like explain what's going through the character's heads, what they're thinking. You're beyond telling the story, you are showing us, you just need to go a bit deeper.
    As for structure, there are plenty of things to note.
    Ruins, tall, white, moss covered ruins that stuck of the ground.
    Great description, but you're missing an "out" between "stuck" and "of". Such mistakes run throughout the piece - might I suggest a slower or more in-depth revision process?
    I also must point out that when you begin a quotation from a different person than the one previously speaking, you should start a new paragraph. Your story is unappealing the way it is right now.
    Instead of:
    “Let’s go! They look interesting!” Sapphire stared at him with a surprised look on her face, then she smiled and stated, “Aren’t you worried you’ll get your clothes dirty?” Ruby turned away and blushed, “It’s alright! I won’t mind too much.”
    make it:
    “Let’s go! They look interesting!” she exclaimed. Sapphire stared at him with a surprised look on her face, then she smiled and stated, “Aren’t you worried you’ll get your clothes dirty?”
    Ruby turned away and blushed, “It’s alright! I won’t mind too much.”
    You could also add that Ruby started to follow her. The way it is now, the reader gets confused because there are no clues that show Ruby is following Sapphire until after she says something. So revise to:
    “Let’s go! They look interesting!” she exclaimed.
    They began their trek towards the white pillars. Sapphire stopped and turned. She stared at Ruby with wide, surprised eyes. Smiling, she joked, “Aren’t you worried you’ll get your clothes dirty?”
    Ruby turned away and blushed, “It’s alright! I won’t mind too much.”
    It's now clearer and gives us some character developement.

    Now for mod stuff - your story doesn't appear to be long enough to appease the rules. I'll let it slide, but in the future, be sure to exceed a page of text for each chapter. I'd rather not close threads. ^^;
    Last edited by Encyclopika; 8th October 2007 at 6:15 AM.
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  3. #3
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    Really good story ^^

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Encyclopika View Post
    You have an interesting plot and an interesting couple. You have great description as well, like when you described the ruins, but I feel that you could add much more. Like explain what's going through the character's heads, what they're thinking. You're beyond telling the story, you are showing us, you just need to go a bit deeper.
    As for structure, there are plenty of things to note.

    Great description, but you're missing an "out" between "stuck" and "of". Such mistakes run throughout the piece - might I suggest a slower or more in-depth revision process?
    I also must point out that when you begin a quotation from a different person than the one previously speaking, you should start a new paragraph. Your story is unappealing the way it is right now.
    Instead of:

    make it:

    You could also add that Ruby started to follow her. The way it is now, the reader gets confused because there are no clues that show Ruby is following Sapphire until after she says something. So revise to:

    It's now clearer and gives us some character developement.

    Now for mod stuff - your story doesn't appear to be long enough to appease the rules. I'll let it slide, but in the future, be sure to exceed a page of text for each chapter. I'd rather not close threads. ^^;

    Sorry about that, my keyboard was being a bit funny that day, so was my computer. (how could i have missed that "out" ?!)
    I'll edit it a bit.
    I know the first chapter was a bit boring but i'll try to add more things into chapter 2.

    ~Here I thought I lost you, when you were here all along.... ~
    I've missed you!
    -Image drawn (hastily) by me-



  5. #5
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    when r u gonna update again?

  6. #6
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    when r u gonna update this fic? it has a very good uplift for the beginning. it makes u not wanna stop reading. but we gotta cuz u haven't updated since '07 and its now '08. wuts the matter?

  7. #7
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