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Thread: ~♥Love Concierge♥~ (Contestshipping, Oldrivalshipping, etc...)

  1. #1
    Shadowcat Guest

    Default ~♥Love Concierge♥~ (Contestshipping, Oldrivalshipping, etc...)

    Love Concierge

    A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR

    I wrote this piece of Fan Fiction, due to a Romance Drama I watched. Don't ask, it's extremely weird. All chapters shall be posted accordingly and hope all who read this will review.

    PM List:
    Typhlogirl
    katiekitten
    Timid Kyogre
    lara lynx
    Chelc

    List of Chapters:

    Prologue: Morning Glory
    The beginning of the whole romance fan fiction. A stall that takes charge of your dream wedding... Will Sapphire, Izumi, Blue and Typhlogirl help May out? And what is in that huge suitcase that Typhlogirl has?


    Prologue: Morning Glory
    Chapter Rating: G


    A young lady was walking down the street, with a daisy placed in her long, blonde hair. The female had fair skin, and had considerable amount of make-up on. Wearing a white blouse and skirt, she happily walked down the street with confidence, entering a beautiful shopping mall. Her high-heels were also white in color, and she continued her shopping trip in the mall.

    After spending a good few hours in the Shopping Mall, which was called ‘The Lilycove Shopping Palace!’, she headed out for the streets of Lilycove. Now at Lilycove Shopping Avenue, she stepped into a shop, which was called ‘Love Concierge’, two females, who look exactly the same were rushing about the shop. Both having long brown hair, both quickly ran around the whole shop. One picked up the phone, muttering the words ‘Roses and Lilies’, while the other rushed towards a young lady dressed in a grand wedding dress.

    The two females running around both had different colored eyes, one had blue, and the other had brown. The first lady, who was attending a customer, the one in the wedding dress, had a blue blouse and a pink skirt on. The young adult loved plain clothes and had a rose in her hair. The rose had dark red petals and had thorns coming out from its stem. The female seemed to feel no pain at all and quickly helped her client.

    The other lady had a cyan blouse on, which was accompanied with a navy blue skirt. The young adult had shiny sapphire earrings and had a sunflower placed in her hair. The huge flower had bright yellow petals, and its huge orange core was shining brightly as sunlight passed through the glass windows. She had stopped talking and approached the female with a daisy in her head.

    “IZUMI! GOOD TIMING! Need help here, you can help by helping us,” The female quickly asked the blonde lady, apparently named Izumi.

    “RRIIINGG! RIINGG!” The telephone rang and the female quickly rushed for the phone.

    “Good Afternoon, this is Love Concierge. How may I help you?” The female asked the caller.

    “But Sapphire, I’m too busy! Come on, you could call Blue instead!” Izumi complained to the female, but she was already on the phone.

    “Typhlogirl’s on her way back, I need to go pick her up, after all, she is my elder sister,” Sapphire responded to Izumi’s complaints after putting down the phone.

    “But-“ Izumi replied, but was cut-off by Sapphire again.

    “She’s arriving soon, so tend the shop with Blue while I’m gone! Bye!” Sapphire quickly retaliated, before rushing off.

    “STOP!” The female roared, stopping a Rapidash Carriage. She climbed in hurriedly and ordered the driver, who was wearing a black hat and a cobalt outfit, “To Lilycove Airport!” The Rapidash had sharp, beige horns, flames being their manes. The ends of their feet were burning with bright flames, their hooves were stomping the ground, rushing towards the Lilycove Airport. Their tails, which were flames, swayed left to right as they ran as fast as lightning, making a turn at Lilycove Street 61. After many turns, they reach Lilycove West, were the Lilycove Airport was. Sapphire paid the driver a good hundred Pokedollars before rushing into the International Terminal 2. Flights arrived there and she quickly ran towards Pick-Up Point 7, where she awaited to pick up her sister.

    ~~~

    “So May, excited about your wedding?” Blue asked the female in the wedding gown. The female had shoulder-length brown hair, and she was in a beautiful wedding gown, personally sewn by Ruby, a famous Worldwide embroider. The wedding gown covered her shoulders and had been sewn with silk. Floral patterns were sewn around the sleeves and the dress also had a picture of a swan, spreading its wings out. The swan was sewn with silk and everything was all white. May frowned, as Izumi added the earrings for her. Pretty Sapphire stud earrings were put on and a necklace was place around her neck. The necklace was colored in a rich ruby, while its silver chain finishing the outfit.

    “Why are you frowning?” Blue asked the female.

    “Yes girl, it’s your wedding day’s next week, what are you so worried about? Everything will go fine… Especially with Sapphire around,” Izumi tried to cheer up the female. Alas, the female still frowned, without an answer. Sapphire quickly placed a headband around her forehead, with artificial flowers stuck to the headband. White artificial flowers to be precise.

    “Yeah, but-“ May responded, but was interrupted by Blue.

    “Look here Miss Maple, you ARE GOING to MARRY Ash Ketchum, and BECOME Mrs. Ketchum, got that?” Blue told the bride-to-be, emphasizing on the words ‘Are’, ‘Going’, ‘Marry’ and ‘Become’.

    “All right, is the ring still with you?” May asked the blonde, who quickly shuffled her pink handbag for a case. The handbag, being pretty large, had tons of things thrown out of it onto a table. Lipsticks, Make-Up Powder, packets of tissue paper, pens, a notebook, a pink cell phone, which was pretty cute according to the other two females, Blue and May. The cell phone was mainly magenta in color, with white around the edges of the phone. Izumi quickly raised her hand into the air, showing the two females a green case, which was kept unopened.

    She then opened the case, showing the two females a silver, two-carat ring, with a beautiful diamond in the middle, glittering and shining brightly. The two ladies commented on the ring, while May continued sulking in the corner

    “That ring, a two-carat! Ash is so good to you May!”

    “I agree, a DIAMOND RING, why are you so unhappy?”

    “It’s because… I don’t know! I’m so frustrated these days!” May responded to the two young adults.

    “Okay, I think it has been a long enough time already, and May had better get home before Ash scolds her,” Sapphire told the three young ladies, walking in with an adult next to her. The woman had lengthy, brown hair, and somewhat looked like Sapphire. She wore a red t-shirt, which said ‘Typhlogirl, Queen of Fire’ in bright orange and yellow colors. She also had baggy navy blue jeans on, a suitcase beside her. The suitcase was scarlet in color and needed a combination to open the suitcase.

    “Yes, now you two had better get May out of her dress back into her normal outfit, now get to work!” Typhlogirl quickly gave her orders, before heading up the stairs, with her suitcase being dragged up by her.

    Sapphire quickly went to the back, which turned out to be a lovely kitchen, with wooden cabinets, like the old times. Apparently, Typhlogirl loved those oak and willow made cabinets and had got some people to fix them into the kitchen. Sapphire approached the refrigerator, taking out a can of cola. She drank finished the cola and tossed the can into the bin before heading out, where May had already got back into her usual clothes. She wore her usual red bandanna over her head, with a red blouse, which had a zip going down from the front. To complete her outfit, she wore white shorts and white high heels before rushing out of the stall, leaving fifty Pokedollars behind.

    “Well, at least that’s a good enough tip,” Izumi said, after seeing the fifty Pokedollar note May had thrown behind.

    ~END OF PROLOGUE~

    Hope all enjoyed this... Feel free to point out any mistakes... JUST GIMME' REVIEWS!
    Last edited by Shadowcat; 22nd March 2006 at 10:10 AM.

  2. #2
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    I don't know why but I was in a sad mood while reading the chapter, I swear I'm about to cry (Listening to Missing by Evanescence, maybe that's why.)

    I kind of like Misty and Ash better together...O_o but I'll just go with the flow, its actually interesting. The description is very good, I like Blue ^_^ My favorite Manga character.

    I didn't notice any bad parts and I can't give a WOW-OH-MY-GOD-LONG review, but I wish you good luck! Waiting for the next chapter, and if you get writer's block...

    Fight it, it is deadly and horrible and most importantly...Evil.

    ~Timid Kyogre

  3. #3
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    Sapphire! Its lovely! *gives big hug*

    You did a really good job with this, it was very interesting. May+Ash? Interesting...

    There were a few mistakes, such as at one point when Blue was fixing up Myas wedding dress, you kinda said that Sapphire was still there, when a coupleminutes before she had just left. ^.^; Also, still a little repetitive in places, but that doesn't really matter.

    Great job twinney! *gives bouquet of summer flowers from time machine*


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  4. #4

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    Its looking good ^_^
    THe title says contestshipping and oldrivalshipping, my 2 favs, so you can bet I'll be back. In fact, can ya add me to the PM list?
    Gamer, film fanatic, wannabe animator, concept artist and 3D environment artist, and general nerd




    All contestshippers must go here. And if your not a contestshipper go here anyway.

  5. #5
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    I liked the prologue, the description was pretty good imo, however i was pretty confused in some parts due to the amounts of girls that has this fic, i could understand in the end anyway.

    The length was okay for a prologue, but i suppose that chapters are going to be longer.

    The way you made look Ash, even if he hasn´t appeared yet, was different. Somehow, i know i will dislike this Ash. But it´s fair game considering how some fics depict Drew as the bad guy.

    So i ask you to please the crowd and bring more of this story.

  6. #6
    Shadowcat Guest

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    RESPONDING TIME!

    Kelly: Whee! I just wanted to piss you off by making this Advanceshipping... Nah... It'll be Advanceshipping for now... You'll have to wait and see what happens...

    Katie: As usual, wonderful review... And yeah, I get confused myself... *everyone glares at her* *receives flowers and hug from twinneh* You're a really great reviewer, do you know that?

    Lara: Sure, of course... Thanks for the Review... Though Contestshipping shall kick in later...

    Fallen: Green shall be making his appearance soon... Wait till the fun begins...

    Sika: Actually, I don't put Ash as a bad guy here... It's just that May's having second thoughts about marrying him... Because of something, dunno though, till I write it... She's scared of eternal commitment or somethin'... Guys are introduced in like, Chapter 1. Hm... Well, at least Ash and another guy will be making an appearance... And did I mention Ash was really rich? Oops.. Still, great review you gave me that! Love ya'! *hugs*

    ~♥Love Concierge♥~
    Chapter One: Decayed Wedding
    Progress: 0%

    Yeah slow worker I am... I'll be typing on Saturday, since that's the only day I do not need to do homework... Well, I have to go out on Sunday...

  7. #7
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    *limps in*

    WOOOOOT. I'm already having fun! ^_^ I can't really say anything that I didn't say in the preview thread, but I'll do my errors and quotes.

    Both having long brown hair, both quickly ran around the whole shop.
    Hmm...I believe that sentence would make more sense as 'Both had long brown hair, and were running quickly around the shop'.

    The two females running around both had different colored eyes, one had blue, and the other had brown.
    The two females running around had different colored eyes, one had blue, and the other had brown.

    “Look here Miss Maple, you ARE GOING to MARRY Ash Ketchum, and BECOME Mrs. Ketchum, got that?” Blue told the bride-to-be, emphasizing on the words ‘Are’, ‘Going’, ‘Marry’ and ‘Become’.
    Since you already have the words in caps, there is no need to say that they are emphasised. That fact is inferred by the reader, as caps usually mean someone is shouting or emphasing.

    Sapphire quickly placed a headband around her forehead, with artificial flowers stuck to the headband.
    I presume that should be Blue, since Sapphire is collecting Typhlogirl (^_^) at the airport.

    She also had baggy navy blue jeans on, a suitcase beside her.
    Either you would add 'sitting' between suitcase and beside, or add 'and' to the beginning.

    with her suitcase being dragged up by her
    'dragging her suitcase behind her'


    Anywayz, got to go, but this is a very promising start!

    Yourz truly,

    -
    [IMG]http://i41.*******.com/5bxx86.png[/IMG]
    they see me rollin'
    they hatin'


  8. #8
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    I see you haven't fixed the 'female' abuse. lol. For every paragraph, I probably see one 'female'. I told you twice, I'll tell you again: use other terms. Like brunette. Gah.

    Anyway, now's not a good time to gripe about shipping, so I shall kick back and see what happens. As well as kick you for punctuation mistakes like the one below.

    She then opened the case, showing the two females a silver, two-carat ring, with a beautiful diamond in the middle, glittering and shining brightly. The two ladies commented on the ring, while May continued sulking in the corner
    -kick- I think that's all for this chapter now. Goodbye!
    FTMP is officially dead. Those who are still interested in reading click
    here.
    Last Update: Chapter 17: Date: 6-2-2006(MM-DD-YYYY)

    "I have returned from the depths of hell to do battle with you." ~ Godot

  9. #9
    Shadowcat Guest

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    Typhie: Thankies for pointing them out... I need to do an edited version of that ruddy prologue...

    Felix: Yeah, thankies too... Very difficult for me to edit and all... 'Cause I'm just plain lazy, lol..

    Still haven't wrote yet.... And why do all those silent readers don't review? I really need reviews... Desperately...

    EDIT: Okay... Who gave the one star?
    Last edited by Shadowcat; 22nd February 2006 at 9:14 AM.

  10. #10
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    I'm not gonna point out any mistakes - for I see people already did that. No need to needle you for a fourth time. ^^ I see you revise - it all flows nicely.
    Quote Originally Posted by fic
    The necklace was colored in a rich ruby, while its silver chain finishing the outfit.
    How pretty! ^^ And good use of details. ^^
    “Why are you frowning?” Blue asked the female.
    You might not want to use "female" as much as you do. ^^;;
    Besides that, this story is pretty good - you set up everything for the rest of the fic in a calm, not-rushed manner. Just keep with that, and this fic should be fine. Good job. ^^
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

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  11. #11
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    Sorry about reviewing this so late. ^^;;;

    People already pointed out mistakes, and I'm lazy, so meh.

    You describe things very well, and I love description, so props for that. Also weddings, Contestshipping, Oldrivalshipping... I love it all! XD I'd love to be added to the PM list.

  12. #12
    Shadowcat Guest

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    Ama: Yeah... Make that a note. Sapphire's favorite words are Female, Hello and lol, and she abuses the words too often.

    AND XD at the Ruby Necklace.

    Chelc: My description is as bad as my vocab, me thinks. But thankies so much! Gonna' add you to the PM list.

    Everybody, make a mental note that I am a lazy author who is lazy to write.

    EDIT:

    Chapter Progress:
    15% Completed


    YAY! Much more to do tomorrow!
    Last edited by Shadowcat; 13th March 2006 at 9:24 AM.

  13. #13
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    Good start. I think there are many things about to happen. As it seems, May isn't very happy with the idea of marrying, and I can see where it's going. Nice how you used a few Members. Bound to be fun.

    I also liked that you had so many girls in the same place, but I better don't get into that.

    Now... nice description. Though it was a bit dragged on. Also, don't use towards. Only toward. Common mistake. No worries. Not much else.

    Oh well. I'll be looking forward for the next chapter. Keep it up!

    Paired with the adorable Avegaille ~ <3

  14. #14
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    It’s an okay start, PQL. The descriptions, the flow and the length of the chapter is okay, although I do think that you may need to work on your grammar a little bit.

    For example, the word ‘female’ showed up more than I thought, I don’t think that was necessary. You could’ve wrote down words that described the women like ‘brunette’ or ‘blonde’.

    Another example, I also agree with Typhlogirl’s comment on the emphasising, along with the other corrections.

    I could write more because I like to be descriptive in my reviews but I would be repeating what everyone else wrote. Kid, take their advice.

    Overall score: 3.5

    Check these out:

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