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Thread: Events of Drew?

  1. #1
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    Default Events of Drew?

    This story is on what may be the romance between May and Drew,from now to the future.It's rated G and can be read by anyone.

    Prolouge
    May is reminising about her most recent contest.She wonders if she's in love."I feel strange.There seems to be freindship between my annoying rival.Stupid Drew!"Suddenly Celebi appears.It seems to want and show May her possible future.Suddenly she vanishes through time.

    Chapter I: Revealing the truth
    We are currently two years in the future.It appears May is still doing contests,but there's something wrong when she battles with Drew."Roselia,use Petal Dance!"However May does not seem to be helping out her Beautifly in the contest,but gaping at Drew."He's so dreamy.."she thinks.The judges soon declare Drew the winner."Why didn't you order your Pokemon May" said Drew."I don't know!" cried May and ran off.In Pewter City Brock was calming down May."Why are you being so nervous May.You used to try much more to defeat Drew.""Don't laugh Brock but I'm sort of in..I love Drew!!"

    "I'll help you!I am Brock,the love doctor!!"*huge sweatdrop on May*"I guess I have no choice."*even bigger sweatdrop on Brock*."First,you need to admit your love in a passionate way.Check my previous encounter with the ladies!"*VCR goes into TV*"Here you see how I express my love to Nurse Joy,Dianne,Officer Jenny ect".The May from the present has a godzilla-sized sweatdrop."Why can't Brock just give her some flowers for Drew!"

    May seems to be next to Drew's door.*thinking*"What if I can't say anything!"Drew opens the door and sees the flowers that May has brought."Oh so you brought these for Roselia May?"May gets mad and says angrily"No Drew,don't you realise that, oh what the heck,I love you!"Drew starts to blush."I..love you too May."They then kiss.

    May,tired of this sees her future more.We go 5 years to May's first date{warning!some 4th wall breaking!False alarm,May{in the future} is just narrating}.Ash has caught 100 Pokemon,Brock has got a job as breeder and Pokemon Contests are now in couples.Speaking of couples:
    Chapter II:The Blossoming of Love
    "And another victory has been obtained by May's Metang and Drew's Persian!"The judges announce."Yes,we won!"cries May."And we did it together"said Drew,now wearing pink{weirdo}.

    "Oh,If you don't realise me,I'm May,the narrater.The previous one is dating Liza.I'm here to tell the story of my first date!"
    I was with Ash and Max discussing about our latest contest."You were awsome!"Ash said."I wonder if I should enter a contest with Crawdaunt{you guessed it!Id.}I replied'I know!Drew seems like the perfect soul-mate!"{Max releases his Slakoth which acts like Psyduck}.Sla................ko.........th.Max then teases"Ha!I can't believe you love your rival.May and Drew,siting on a tree.K-I-S-S-I-N-G.First comes dates{Max is interrupted}Drew:Hey gang,May.I've got tickets for the Luvdisc festival."We could go for a date,I said."Cool"

    Later I was preparing to wear something.AFTER THAT I brushed my teeth 10 times to turn them blindingly white.'Preparing for the big date I see",Mom said.At the date I met up with Drew and wondered what to do."Nice weather"Drew said."Look what I got.A Skitty perfume'Suddenly the Skitty perfume smashes and shows what he only could obtain:A rock that looks a heart."That's the best gift ever"I say.I hugged and kissed and*Warning:You must be 21+to see this so I'll call in Block;blockblockblockblockblockblockblockblockbloc k(7 hours later)...block*Then we saw the most beautiful allignment of Luvdisc.{I'm back so I'll say id,whatever it means:ididididididididididididkwyjiboididididididi dididididididididididididkyjibo1111000011010101101 101010101010111000031010101}

    I'm back!Here is the next installment in this story
    Chapter III:Love has flowered
    It is now ten years after May first met Drew.Ash is still training to become a Pokemon master,Max has a Vigoroth and Brock is date crazier than ever."Another victory for Drew and May!"Vivian pronounced.The couple is very excited they one.As May returns,she wonders if to take here next step."Aren't we the dreamiest?",she says.Brock backs up the statement;"Yeah,you're a really great couple".Pikachu!Pika!"You know,if you are so great why don't you become engaged?",Ash said."That's a beautiful idea,after all I've fancied him since I met him.Okay,I'll do it!"But just before Brock can speak May exclaimed"...AND NO BROCK!!!"

    As she begins her proposal,she sets up the perfect spot,on the hilltops of Mt Moon."I cant wait for this proposal.Soon we will be the greatest co-ordinator team ever!"So I see your proposing"Wait,who are you?"May said.Oh,I am the narrator.I'm gathering stories on trainers for future generations to hear."So what do you think I should propose with?"Hmm,use you Pokemon and embrace your heart."I will!"Near to sunset May gets ready to propose."You know,I'm not sure you should go before practising for your attacks"."I've been practising for ten years Max!Oh well,what are brothers for?"Hey!I resent that remark!At sunset,the two lovers get ready."Drew,I want to show you something"May commands Blastoise to use Bubble Beam in the sky,creating a message:Will you marry m-Just beforeshe finishes E,it burst from Team Rocket{with Harley}!

    Jessie:"An evil as old as the galaxy"
    James and Meowth:"Sent here to fufill our destiny"
    Harley:And there's me!
    Jessie :To Protect the Evils of Truth and Love
    James:To Blast off beyond the Stars above
    "Harley!Jessie!James!"
    "And Meowth's the name!"
    "Whenever the universe has harmony and peace,"
    "We'll visit,"
    "To make all of it seize!"
    *Wobbufett,Mime Jr and Cacturne{Harley's}appear*
    "Alright,hand your Squirtle over!"Harley demanded""Never!You ruined it!"*The next scene is battling,so you can use imagination*"Don't worry May,I'll handle this!Roselia,use Solar Beam!"*After attack*"We're blasting off again!"Drew realises what she was about,and says I do
    Alright!How's that for long!

    Chapter IV:The Beautifly takes the nectar!
    As the wedding is apporaching,May is beginning a great step in her life.Today she will become a wife to a great co-ordinator and Brock would still want to be married to Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny."Nurse,I've got a stomach ache".After analysis,Nurse Joy gives May the good news."Congratulations May,you have a pair of twins coming.""WHAT?"Meanwhile,Brock is getting his clothes on when he spots Nurse Joy."Well hello Joy!Seeing how they're getting married how would we like to?I know the perfect spot in happy ever after land!!"*Max pulls his ear*"If it was so happy why would you be there!"

    *In the crowd all of their friends,family,gym leaders and Fronteir Brains are there,with me also*May thinking:"remember what to say,just remember please!"Do you,May of Petalburg,take Drew to be your lawfully wedded husband?"I do"And do you,Drew take May to be your lawfully wedded wife?"I do"Does anyone reject?"I DO!" Brock said."I love Nurse Joy!I made a song for you!
    N is for nurishment,
    U is for univesal!
    R is for inreplacable.
    S is for smiling,
    E is for embracing,
    J is for jolly,
    O is for overcaring
    *Max pulls Brock's ear*
    And Y is for you are hopeless
    Anywho,I now pronounce you man and wife!

    "Drew,I have to tell you something"
    "Anything my love"
    "We will have twins"
    "Then our parents must be proud!"

    6 months later,Drew and May live in a nice apartment,but right now May is in hospital after giving birth to twins
    Drew:"What will we call this one?"
    May:"Ash"
    "What of our daughter?"
    "Misty"
    What do you think they'll be?
    "When they are old enough,our children will be co-ordinators Drew.Co-ordinators*faints*"
    May has now learnt her future,but one thing still remains a mystery...
    "WHY IS BROCK SO DATE CRAZY?!!!"

    This was my first fan-fiction of Pokemon,done by RedJirachi,finished 21:13 on 31st August 2006
    Events of Drew by RedJirachi
    Last edited by RedJirachi; 31st August 2006 at 10:19 AM.

  2. #2

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    Oh......it needs to be a lot longer, this is like two paragraphs for other Contest Shipping Fan-Fics. You seem to be rushing the plot a little. May should gradully get to liking Drew through many chapters!

    Keep trying!

    -Torchic23
    Last edited by Torchic23; 18th March 2006 at 3:49 PM.

  3. #3
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    It's really short. Just like Torchic said.. maybe gradually realising her feelings for Drew? May I suggest also between each quote having a space so it'll be easier to read? I can't wait for the next chapter! Keep trying!

    take me somewhere stars are still asleep.

  4. #4
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    As said, it's short, and I'd definetly take DarkwithRobot's advice.

    But what REALLY bugged me, was that you used asterisks.

    *huge sweatdrop on May*
    Noooo.

    "I'll help you! I'm Brock, the love doctor!"

    May sweatdropped, closely by followed by Brock, who followed suit.

    Or something like that. It's more fun to read, and it makes it all arouhd...better. And, you don't need to describe how big the sweatdrop is, try explaining their expressions instead. A prolouge should be much much longer then just a three lined paragraph. It should be at LEAST the length of your first chapter. At least. It's promising, but as the others said as well, it would've been nice had May gradually begun to like Drew. Personally, if Drew broke her heart in the next chapter, I wouldn't feel very sorry for her, for that reason alone. And, 'May seems to be next to Drew's door'??? Seems to be? Wtf? 0_0;;

    It's got potential, but it needs lots of work. Don't worry, all fanfictions start out a little bumpy and in the end the ride'll get smoother.

    >Cobalt<
    Last edited by Rider; 8th March 2006 at 12:45 AM.

  5. #5
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    It's the longest I could think of!!

  6. #6
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    *vein pop* Okay. First off, it could've been longer by combining the Prolouge with First Chapter. Not all stories have to have Proluges. Secondly, if thats the longest you could think of, is this a one-shot? Because if that's as long as you could think of, that means you don't have a next chapter.

    Secondly, I don't think you even READ my entire post. You missed the fact that I said you might want to not use ASTERISKS to describe actions, but instead, write it out so that it can GET LONGER. I also said that you should space out your sentences, and start a new line each time a new person speaks. ALL OF THESE would make your first chapter LONGER.

    Thirdly, I also have reason to believe you didn't read most of my post, because you made no motion to answer my question. But maybe you're just ignoring it...

    FOURTHLY (that's not a word is it?) It's all very blunt. Indeed, Torchic has a good point when they say they wish you would make May gradually like Drew, instead of rushing to this part. I know that it sucks, having to write the boring stuff before the exciting stuff, (I know from experience) but usually I just write out those little exciting blurbs and save them off seperately. You may appreciate writing those events, but people like to know what was going on in your head beforehand. Why May started to like Drew. (though as obvious it is, we'd like to know if you have a different reason)

    Excuses don't exist in the world of fanfiction, because even if I say that I've got a lot of homework, that would be an excuse to get the next chapter out a little late, but 'the longest I could think of', is not an excuse. It's not even supported.

    And lastly, the first chapter is three paragraphs. Should I repeat that? I don't think I need to.

    Add in more description, which really isn't all that hard if you really try, and space out your sentences and dialog. I garuntee that'll make your story at least more then three paragraphs.

    >Cobalt<

  7. #7
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    It's the longest I could think of!!
    Hm...you could do what colbatflux said and it will be longer. But anyway, it's a good story but you should make May slowly realise her feelings for Drew. It'll make the story more longer and interesting.
    STRAWBERRIES : DD
    (they rock and don't deny it or I'll send the strawberry army after you)

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