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Thread: Dying to be Free (one-shot)

  1. #1
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    Default Dying to be Free (one-shot)

    Even though I'm new, I decided to post a one-shot to see how people think of my writing. So here it is. It was the first one I made in my whole life and I'm sort of new to writing stories (even though compositions helped). Well, hope you enjoy my first one-shot!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Dying to be Free

    I can't take it anymore. At first I thought I'd be free, forever traveling around the world, wallowing in my own confusion thick as a heavy fog. I didn't know what I was. I destroyed my only answer and now here I am.

    I should've stayed there and said no to him, but instead he tricked me and now I have no idea what's happening. At first I thought it'd be pleasing to side with him, but being in this large, empty space doesn't feel like "partnership".

    He told me to trust him after he said that one fatal word that caught my attention: partner. But no, he's not a partner and neither am I. I'm a servant, like the other Pokemon in the building. Yet they're not forced to be like this.

    He thought I was a danger to him, so he controlled my powers by putting this strange metallic material on me. Yes, it may help protect my identity and make me feel powerful, but it was made by an evil master-mind who only wants to win and control everything in his reach.

    The stupid scientists I killed a long time ago should've just let me go free instead of celebrating in front of me, congratulating each other, those stick figures. From what I could tell, they were filled to the very brim with fatigue and they were extremely weak, as well as very thin. That was one of the many reasons why they died so quickly. Yet, now I wish I wasn't born at that place.

    I wished then I was born dead.

    I had a whim that I was dead.


    Several times I tried to kill myself, but that fool always stopped me from doing so and destroying his so-called dream-machine. The latest attempt was from a few days ago when I tried to impale myself with shards of glass I sent towards me by telekinesis, but the material made it difficult to do so. And of course, there was always that one voice in the back of my head that prevented me from doing so a few times before.

    Life is wonderful.

    That voice, an innocent voice from a pure, sinless person from long ago, helped stopped me from committing suicide. But I don't recall hearing any one of those fools saying anything so sweet and heart-warming to me, just cruel, heartless threats.The one who called himself my "master" always threatened to shoot me if I didn't behave. I longed for death, but I just couldn't disobey him. Only because of that phrase. Just that one phrase.

    How I hate it.

    But where did I hear it? If I knew, then I wouldn't be loathing my life right now. I asked my "master" who had said it, but he thought I was crazy. I only wish I could rewind my life now and ask those fools who dared to create me who had said that phrase with such care and love. Or even better, back to when I first heard it. But of course, I would've chosen to perish at that place. Yet, strangely enough, death isn't my wish as many people would think.

    It's freedom.

    I want to be free like that one Pokemon in my dreams. That graceful creature looked familiar, yet I have never seen it before, just a picture that's possibly destroyed when I blew up my birthplace. That creature is my symbol of freedom.

    But yet, how can I escape? If I were to use my powers, then the stupid oaf would severely punish me. I just wish that one Pokemon would come to the prison I'm in, free me and transport me to that one place with wonderful snow-capped mountains and exotic, flourishing trees.

    Life is wonderful.

    I also wish that person who said that one phrase would come and rescue me. If that one person was so kind enough to say that, then why isn't that human or Pokemon here?

    And it sounded like a child had said it.

    How can a child help me? I've never seen a young human before, ever. Yet, it was a young female who said that.

    But whose?

    Who was that one kind child and why isn't she here is she somehow knows me?

    Why isn't that Pokemon answering my cries of help I send every night?

    Why is no one kind to me here?

    Why is life so wonderful if I'm a prisoner?

    Life is wonderful.

    But why is it?

    Why?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    So how was it? I'd love to hear your opinions. If this goes well, I might post another one-shot, but we'll have to wait and see. See you later!

    ~~~~~~~~~
    ♥Kutie Pie♥ Please be kind to midgets!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  2. #2
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    that was good you couls makw that into a short story you know. if you add on to it. it had good grammer, spelling, and punchation.
    ( i really can't spell myself ).

    Demy

  3. #3
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    This is definitely a good one-shot! Keep it up! You should write more!

    Wow, it was simply breath-taking. Amazing. Astounding. A Pokemon POV One-Shot, is quite common, but this outshines most of them, maybe except Saffire Persian's.

    Now, really beautiful piece of work. Hope you'll write more! I'll be one of your loyal reviewers.

  4. #4
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    nice , you are very good at writing ! keep up the good work
    Rarely coming here now.. so just chat with me on MSN/Smogon




  5. #5
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    OMG OMG, I GOT REVIEWS! WOOO! I'm so happy! Here! Cake for everyone who replied! *hands out cake of different flavors* Okay...

    Demy: Yay! You replied! I thought you would, you fellow fan, you! *hugs* And I haven't thought about making a short story out of it. I've made a lot, but none was about this. Thanks for the suggestion! Maybe someday I would! *hugs again* And yes, I was always a good speller and I don't remember much on grammer. Hyperlexia sure takes good care of that. Hope you'll get better on your spelling. My secret: I preview my post for mistakes.

    Pike Queen Lucy: YAY! A ROYAL REVIEWER! *hugs* And you sure you're not being sarcastic about that? Well, anyway, thanks! And I don't think I'll be up where Saffire Persian is, but...well...one can always hope. And it outshines most of them? Hmm...Never noticed that. And it was beautiful? *sniff* Thank you. I always had good points on my compositions (though they were mostly funny). Thank you! *hugs again*

    Metal power: ^^ Ooh, thank you for the compliment! *hugs* I have been practicing typing for a long time. In fact, one of my early ones was going to be a book about a hamster (taken off from Hamtaro when I was a fan), but I lost the data so...meh. NOW I'M HOOKED ON POKEMON! You should see some of my stories. They're I think almost free from lack of grammar. Well, thanks! *hugs again*

    Well, I'm planning on posting a fan fic sometime very soon, so expect me again. I don't know when I'll post another one-shot...They're mainly song-fics (Brian Powell was my idol) so I might post one here soon. Thank you, royal viewers, for reviewing. I was getting worried (but not too much). You saved my life. *group hugs* You know, today, tomorrow or whenever I might post another one-shot, but who knows. (It'll be a song-fic.) Well, I'll see you all later.

    Oh, and if you hate cake (or get sick from it) throw it in my face. I wouldn't mind. Oh, here comes my brothers.

    Disembodied voice: Splut!

    *covered with cake* See? I wouldn't mind. Mmm...strawberry...Thanks again for reviewing! And here's ice cream for your cakes! *hands galleons to reviewers* See you soon!

    ~~~~~~~
    ♥Kutie Pie♥ Please be kind to midgets!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  6. #6
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    Well, you reviewed a ton of fics including my own, so I felt like I should repay you for your kindess with my own review ^^ Unfortunately, I really don't have much to say XD Let me get one thing straight: I absolutely DESPISE fics with Mewtwo having to hear his vile name every other one shot. But this one managed to keep my interest despite that, though I still can't say I'm still to pleased with the fact it revolves around Mewtwo.


    That aside, this was a brillaint one shot. The writing was very beautiful: flowed nicely, had good structure, and possessed good tone/mood as well, showing off Mewtwo's confused "What am I?" like personality. I also liked the fact that Mewtwo was struggling with his life to the point where he attempted suicide, I don't believe I ever read that before. I have one question, he said that Giovanni threatened him with a gun, but if he wanted to die, why didn't he just allow himself to be shot?

    The touch with Mew was excellent. Each Mewtwo fic has Mew in a different position and I must say your stance is one of my favorites. He appears to share a distant link with Mew, somehow recognizing her. Having her say "life is a beautiful thing" is a very beautiful way to go. I also adored the compariosn to a female child.

    The one lines ending was my favorite part of this entire story, I thought you designed it very well and left us feeling complete, theme, good writing, and all. You pulled off first person VERY well, you show you have a good style, I can see great promises from you! The ONE thing I can think to critisize is the fact that it was a teeny bit heavy on contractions in the middle and it made the flow kinda...*makes gurguling lobster noise* Just try and seperate some contractions like I'm and They're. If you want crit, go ask Negrek or Act XD

    Beautifully done! 5/5
    A Championship Battle
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    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

  7. #7
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    *gasp* Wow! IceKing! I didn't expect you here! And you're repaying me for reviewing your fic? Aw, you're too kind. *hugs* I just try to help people feel better and continue.

    I can't believe you reviewed still, but...yeah...Anyway, you despise Mewtwo fics with his name mentioned in it? Aw, I'm sorry. Good thing I didn't, though, otherwise you would've left! And you think my writing's excellent? Wow, another compliment! And I'm a newbie! Wow!

    I decided to do Mewtwo like this because, well, it's unique. The movie has never shown Mewtwo struggle with his life in Giovanni's clutches, so this idea came up. And the suicide attempts? I thought that up. But who knows if that's what he was trying to do.

    And your question about Giovanni threatening him. Even though Mewtwo longed for death, he just couldn't disobey him due to some sort of instinct. And also because of that one voice in the back of his head: Life is wonderful. Remember that? Someone (Amber no doubt) told him life was beautiful and wonderful, and even though he was confused about it, he wanted to live.

    Yeah, I know it's kind of confusing, but he just couldn't. Like...um...let's see...For example. Slaves. They just couldn't disobey their masters because they knew they would die. Many wanted to die so they wouldn't be slaves anymore, but they wanted freedom, so they kept on working for them, hoping to be set free one day. (No, this one-shot wasn't based on slaves.) Is that a bit better, or did I confuse you even more?

    And you adore the Mew I mentioned? Wow. I thought mine was sort of like the others. And the mood was supposed to be depressed. And because of that, I felt that (and maybe more people) while writing it. (I am a bit depressed anyway.)

    Anyway, thank you for reviewing, IceKing. *hands cake with galleon of ice cream and hugs* That was a big shocker. Your thing with the "gurgling lobster" noise made me giggle and lightened me up. And isn't first person hard to pull off? Aren't I glad I showed my talent of writing. Maybe I'll be an author as well. Thanks again! *group hugs* I'll keep your compliments in hand.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~
    ♥Kutie Pie♥ Please be kind to midgets!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  8. #8

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    Would the narrator happen to be mewtwo? When he is capture by giovani? *giggles* it seems obvious but sometimes the things that seem obvious could just be leading you own.

    It didn't seem very poetic...at all.

    I think it'd be better as a short story. What kind of poem is it? Free verse? There is no rhyme or rhythm so it just seems like a story already. but whatever if you'd like to call it a poem, it's up to you.
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  9. #9
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    This is very good, Kutie pie! (why do I always typo good to god? *bangs head on desk*)

    Anyways, you show a lot of promise! I really enjoyed this, it was very nice. You captured Mewtwos mood perfectly. I am inclined to agree with IceKing on the subject matter, (it has been covered a gazillion times) But nevermind. The structure makes up for it.

    You are a very talented writer, and I'll look out for future work! *waves and gallops into distance on Rapidash*


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  10. #10
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    *squee* TWO NEW REVIEWERS!

    Demy: I handed out cake. Guess you missed it. Or...*opens mysterious box*

    Disembodied voice: Splut!

    *cake on face* Oh. Here it was. Dur, here's a chocolate! SHIP TO RIGHT PERSON, DARN YOU!

    HB5squared: Yep! That was Mewtwo when he was in Giovanni's possession! *hugs* Oh, it's not a poem. Just a one-shot. And the short story thing? I'm not sure about that. I might, but who knows. Of course, if I do do that, then I'd change the first movie a lot. I guess. I don't know. We'll see. Thanks for replying! *hugs*

    katiekitten: YAY! Glad to see you! And heres a hug for replying and for your head injury. *hugs* When I did this one-shot on my computer, I thought I didn't capture his mood, just changed it. I'm glad you enjoyed it! I do my best to make people happy! And thank you for saying I'm a talented writer! If you were to ever meet my English teacher (I doubt it) he'd say I'm talented as well. HOORAY FOR HYPERLEXIA! Thanks for replying! *hugs*

    For the new reviewers...*hands out cake and galleon of ice cream*...and a big group hug. *group hugs* Glad everyone enjoyed it! Expect more of my work! (Another one's out already.) See you all later!

    ~~~~~~~
    * Kutie Pie * Please be kind to midgets!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  11. #11
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    PLESASE don't turn this into a short - story !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is it a short story already Kutie Pie ?

    I want to keep reading your work becuase when ever someone starts something good they normally make it too short.

    Demy

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    Wow, I like this work. You captured the Mewtwo mood perfectly. Despite the fact that it's been done alot. I was captivated by your writing. Keep it up!

  13. #13
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    *Nods* Yep, very good. Well done.

    I liked how you captured Mewtwo’s mood and feelings towards everyone, you described them very well. The flow, the one liners, all beautifully written. I could say more but I would be repeating what the other people said.

    My favourite quote:
    Life is wonderful.
    I’ve seen that Mewtwo/Amber clip, it was pretty emotional when she vanished.

    Spotted one grammar error.
    threats.The
    Put a space between ‘The’ and the full stop symbol(.).

    Despite that mistake and the fact that this is pretty short, so what? You have great potential and talent for writing, hope to see more soon.

    Overall score: 4/5

    Quote Originally Posted by Kutie Pie
    They're mainly song-fics (Brian Powell was my idol)
    I was? Well, thank you. Am I still your idol or...?
    Last edited by Brian Powell; 9th March 2006 at 5:16 PM.

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  14. #14
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    *faints* Two new reviewers! WELCOME TO THE THREAD!

    Demy: Boy, you sure like this. And I'm not planning on making a short story. Besides, I have too many Mewtwo fan-fics I may not post. (Pretty mushy a lot of them because I put Mew in there as his lover. XP Corny, eh?) And no, this is a one-shot.

    Lord_sNap: So...Decided to reply after I did to your poem, eh? THANKIES! *hugs* And yep! I heard a lot of those 'you captured Mewtwo's mood perfectly', but that's good! Inspires me to write more! And thank you for the compliment! *hugs*

    Brian Powell: WOW! Didn't expect you here! *hugs* Thank you for your compliment, even if other people said them. Now the feelings was a new one. I only heard the 'Mewtwo's mood' one. And you have a favorite quote. Aww...That's sweet! (I didn't see the Amber/Mewtwo short. I would've, but we borrowed the VHS Mewtwo Returns from this one kid who STUPIDLY gave it away to a non-Pokémon fan.) And yeah, mistakes happen. And it was two pages long. Short, but it's following the one-shot rules. And yep, after reading your song-fics in the completed fics section, I was inspired to write them. I have more of those than regular one-shots. I have one posted already, so check it out (if you haven't). Wow, this was my longest reply. Thanks for replying! *hugs*

    So, for the two new reviewers...*hands cake and galleon of ice cream* And a big group hug! *group hugs* Thanks for replying! If you wish, you can check out my other one-shot (song-fic). You'll just have to search the fics. It's in here somewhere. See you all later!

    ~~~~~~~~
    * Kutie Pie * Please be kind to midgets!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

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    WHAT Mew is Mewtwo's lover ( turns greenish) hold the phone i din't read that ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Were did it say that in your fic ? Kutie Pie

  16. #16
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    You got it wrong, Demy. I meant in my OTHER fics, not this one. He hasn't met Mew in this yet. Just images. Looks like you turned sick, Demy. -^^- Oops. If you're not comfortable about that, then I won't post them. (Looks like I won't anyway, seeing as they're too mushy and...kissy-kissy. *blushes* Romantic stage now.) Sorry if I confused you. And other people as well.
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  17. #17
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    NOI NO!!!!!!!!!!!! I only put that there to be silly

    You didn't confuse me Kutie Pie i confused myself.

    anyway i sometimes like reading these types of fic (shot)
    So don't feel upset ok ?!

    So still continueing with the fic ?

    Demy
    Last edited by Demy; 29th March 2006 at 5:49 AM.

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