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Thread: Loyalty (One-Shot)

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    Default Loyalty (One-Shot)

    This is rated PG-13 to be safe, but I think it’s more PG if anything. Comments/crits/etc. are greatly appreciated. This is a rather comedic-esque one-shot with a twist at the end.

    Loyalty

    By: Saffire Persian

    “Loyalty is still the same, whether it win or lose the game; true as a dial to the sun, although it be not shined upon.”
    -- Samuel Butler

    You hate him. There’s no plausible end to how much you hate him. Loathe him. Despise him. Every day now you see him, walking in a casual, leisurely fashion, like everything is just a walk in a meadow, complete with fluttering Beautifly and a pond filled with lilies. He does not take life seriously. Hard work -- true hard work of blood and sweat and toil, not the sissy stuff – is certainly not part of his daily routine. He never has done a single day’s hard work in his life – that you are sure of.

    This is one of the many reasons why you hate him.

    To you, he has no positive qualities – no saving grace that might redeem him in your eyes. What’s worse is that he’s trying to take someone you care about away from you. He is trying to take Riley away.

    The stupid git should have never caught her attention in the first place. Whatever absurdity that caused him to notice her is something you try not to think about.

    You think that it was the first time you both saw him. It was during your lunch break, and you and Riley were wandering the streets of Saffron. He was one of the men walking along one of the crosswalks, carrying a load of papers clutched in one hand and a book in the other. He barely had finished crossing the road before he ran straight into a street sign, too busy reading his book to notice the giant pole in front of him. (Or perhaps he was watching someone else, but you’d rather not think about that.) And, of course, Riley just had to go and help him pick up his papers that were, by then, scattered across the ground and being trampled upon.

    (She always does stuff like this, cleaning up other people’s messes. Why she doesn’t just leave idiots to be idiots is something you have trouble comprehending.)

    It was a sickingly disturbing by-the-book case of ‘love at first sight’, and to your horror, he began to make an increasing habit of following Riley wherever she went.

    (And wherever she was, you were. Wherever she went, you went. There was no her without you. So of course you noticed.)

    One of the first events where it was so glaringly obvious, was the time you were at the coffee shop (he, incidentally went to the same place Riley, you, and the rest of the Police Team did for lunch) and he was stupid enough to spill coffee onto one of your comrade’s partners named Blaze as he walked past. Now, Blaze is not a patient creature, always on the lookout for an excuse to fight, and in your most expert opinion, he possesses the same amount of intelligence as the man of whom had just spilt steaming hot coffee all over him. The man didn’t know what orange fury hit him, but, you suppose, he did try to put on a gallant fight, and was doing a remarkable job armed with only a worn, dog-eared book.

    (The thing is, he and Blaze might share the same intelligence, but he, unlike Blaze, does not possess the ability to breathe fire.)

    You were not one of the ones that helped pull Blaze off the man that day; however, Riley was. Her golden, hawk-eyed gaze could tame the most savage of creatures, and cause the most hardened of criminals to cringe in terror. But this man – this man dared to smile, telling her, once he had been helped up, that: “Everything’s all right. Don’t worry about it. Not your fault.” He looked as if an angel had just snatched him away from the fangs of death, saying: “Thank you.”

    You wanted to say: “We save people’s lives all the time, rat. You’re not that special.”

    (You’re just stupid.)

    But you didn’t. You just glared at him as he walked out of the coffee shop like a drunken man. Riley, however, laughed.

    It was then you knew that the man was going to be more problematic than previously thought, because no one could make her laugh.

    (No one but you.)

    He was not going to take Riley away. There was no way on the face of the earth you were gonna let him.

    But, as it turned out, he was going to make your new mission in life hard.

    But then again, you’ve always liked a challenge.

    When they came home after their first date, you were waiting. You glared at him with a vicious smile of uninhibited malice. And even though you did not say it, he knew exactly what you were telling him deep within those burning eyes: Bring it on, rat.

    (The war is on! The bugles are blazing, the bells are ringing, and the drums are sounding! Ready, steady, go!)

    One day, not long after their first date, you hear the doorbell ring and rush towards the door, intending to get there before Riley can even dream of answering it. You can already guess who’s outside the door. It’s the Rat, as you now fondly call him. You think you can smell the roses and you also can hear him pacing nervously back and forth on the other side of the door.

    Through the slit where the mail comes through, you see him. He’s dressed in a fancy shirt and tie, looking for all the world like he was going to some sort of awards ceremony. You snort, disgusted at his attempt to look nice. If this man really knew Riley (and you’re glad he doesn’t) he would’ve known Riley could care less about displays of fashion sense.

    By Entei, Riley doesn’t even like flowers.

    You try to stop Riley as she comes into the hallway from the exercise room. You attempt to push her back, distract her from going to the door, in hopes that the Rat will go away. But she perseveres, answering the door, dressed in her athletic attire. Her face is a surprised one when she recognizes who exactly came to the door, and you feel a bit relieved. That meant that she didn’t know he was coming.

    The man looks embarrassed, turning the same shade as the roses in his hand. He stutters, absolutely tripping over his attempts to form a coherent sentence.

    You grin, but your entertainment is short lived.

    She accepts the invitation to dinner , while all you can do is sit there and watch in disbelief as she takes the roses and puts them on the table instead of into nearest trashcan.

    She goes to get ready, and the man flops onto the couch with a long, heavy sigh, wiping his brow. You growl in disgust.

    When they depart together, you’re left alone. You have no intention of leaving the house; you’ll stay until Riley and the Rat get back. Your angry eyes move over to the table, where the roses are placed, and grimace. An odd, but satisfying idea then comes into your head, and you drag the roses off the table and into the backyard.

    There, you have the pleasure of watching the roses burn, their red petals curling and writhing from the fire’s touch before being reduced to insignificant, dead ashes.

    Totally, and completely unimportant. Worthless. That’s what they are.

    Your smile widens.

    You can’t help it if you’re a pyro.

    ****

    When they return, you’re lying spread-eagled on the couch, watching some stupid, trivial talk show on TV. You hear them before they even come in the door, laughing and joking as if they were childhood friends.

    (It’s you who has been with her since the beginning. Not him.)

    Your eyes darken, the dark flames of anger burning deep within your chest.

    He’s not made for her. You knew that from the day you had the misfortune of running into him.

    She’s everything he’s not.

    He smells of cologne, the cheap kind you can buy at the local store. It’s almost flowery. Just smelling it makes your eyes itch and water.

    She smells of gunpowder, of fire and ash – the scent of battle and triumph. It’s not something that can be so easily acquired, nor can it be bought cheaply.

    He’s dressed fine and conservative in white, neatly ironed, made to perfection. The tie is straight, not an inch off and his shoes are shined. He’s one who has too much time on his hands.

    She’s the total antithesis, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with her hair tied in a loose ponytail. She doesn’t care about whether or not her shoes are shined or if her shirts are ironed. She knows she doesn’t have the time to waste on trivial appearance protocols; instead, she focuses on what matters most, knowing each day could be her last.

    He works in an office, reeking of paperwork and computers, entering meaningless bits of data into a machine. He doesn’t have to worry about whether or not somebody might be waiting to attack around the next corner. Why, the worst wound he’s probably received is a paper cut.

    She works outside, exhausting her body to the physical limit. She pushes herself, each day as difficult as the last, and it never gets easier. She has scars from where bullets have scraped past her and Pokémon have attacked her. They will never go away.

    Never.

    You bury your face into a nearby pillow, eyes narrowing. The more you think about it, the more certain you are this man is not made for her, nor is he worthy, and the more certain you are of that, the more determined you are to stop him.

    Riley prepares to sit down on a cushion to the right of you, so you move out of the way, making room for her, but when the Rat comes you obstinately refuse to budge from your place and let him sit by Riley. So, he’s forced to sit on the other side of you, as Riley puts in an action movie. You can see him watching you out of the corner of his eyes, looking extremely nervous.

    And he should be, you think, making your welcoming smile as feral as you can possibly make it.

    For two hours, you endure the agony of sitting right next to him. You can’t stand him at all, but know if you budge the consequences of those actions will be far, far worse. Already, you have stopped three of his attempts to put his arm around Riley’s shoulders. You let him know exactly what you thought of his dirty, underhanded ways when he tried, snapping at him angrily, and sitting up straight against the back of the couch.

    After the third time, he resigned himself to watching the movie in silence.

    It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

    ****

    Your efforts of sabotage seem to be working, but the Rat has been proving to be as persistent as the species of which he is being compared to. He has persevered, despite your numerous attempts to let him know you hatred and disgust for him.

    In fact, his advances have been extremely common and frequent the last few weeks. He’s been spending more and more time at the house lately. He’s even been there before work’s been over, seated on the couch, reading a book. Riley’s given him a key, it seems.

    You do not like this new development in the least, but all you can do is watch, and wait for the next viable opportunity.

    That opportunity comes on Sunday two weeks later.

    He enters the house in the early afternoon. For once, his clothes are not neat, and he has a rather bedraggled, rag-tag appearance – like he’s run on the treadmill for three minutes. Even you’re surprised by his sudden change in look, and Riley’s concerned as well, though you see she’s trying to contain her laughter at the same time.

    “My apartment’s flooded. All of it,” he says despondently, flopping onto the couch. For the first time you’ve heard him, he curses loudly, muttering something about ‘Grimer’ and ‘pipes’.

    You string that together, and smirk. You didn’t notice it before, too baffled by his appearance, but he does smell suspiciously like acid and sludge.

    Riley tries to look halfway apologetic and manages it.

    You don’t even try.

    ******

    Riley’s gone to check the apartment out herself, taking some of your fellow police team mates with her. You know nothing about pipes and pluming, and you’re totally useless when it comes to that stuff, or else you would have gone with her. Plus, you don’t exactly savor the idea about having to wade through knee-deep, sludgy water – you really don’t like it at all.

    So.... you are stuck with the Rat for the time being. Alone.

    Forty-five minutes pass. Currently, you both are staring at one another. You’re sitting lazily on the floor, looking bored, and he is standing up just feet away from you, tapping his foot. You both make eye contact, and you immediately look away at a cuckoo clock on the opposite wall.

    Tick. Tock. Tick.

    Silence.

    Tick. Tock. Tick.

    You notice he’s watching you, an unreadable expression on his pale, dirty face. You snort, feeling the tenseness in the air. It’s an almost tangible thing.

    Tick. Tock. Tick.

    He shuffles his shoeless feet across the carpet. Then, breaking the silence, he says: “You know... I feel that there’s some...animosity between us.”

    Your eyes move from the clock to him rather lazily.

    Really? you think, rolling your eyes. What gave you that idea?

    But you don’t say anything out loud. Instead, you watch him squirm. He looks frustrated.

    “Why am I even talking to you?” he says, brushing his hand through his hair and grimacing. “It’s not like you listen to me.”

    A pause. He sighs. “I smell like sludge. “

    You wrinkle your nose in response. He walks halfway towards bathroom, then stops by the living room table, brows furrowing.

    You don’t move.

    Tick. Tock. Tick.

    “Out,” he says.

    It takes you a moment to finally realize what he said. Out? OUT?!

    “Yes, out,” he says, noticing your suddenly wide-eyed expression. He sounds a bit nervous, reaching for a red and white object on the table.

    You glare at him. Bite me.

    ****

    You stare, practically burning a hole through the glass door that stands between you and the inside of the house – and that rat. You’re still fuming. How dare he use such underhanded tactics to get you out of the house. You never knew the Rat had that much of a backbone.

    He’s been spending too much time with Riley, you decide for the umpteenth time today. She does the same thing when she wants you out of the house and you stubbornly refuse to leave for some reason for other.

    For her, though, it’s justified, as unfair as it is.

    For him, it isn’t.

    He’ll pay for it.

    You continue to gaze through the glass, snorting before standing up, determined. He may have locked you out from this side, but you have other ways to get on – ones that he wouldn’t know about, or think about.

    Your spirit heartened, you run down the stairs of the deck to the other side of the house, slipping through an entrance only you use. Riley locks it when she kicks you out, but the Rat wouldn’t know about that now, would he?

    You’re inside, enjoying the whirring sound of the air conditioner, a newfound sense of conquest rising within you. Slowly, you make your way down the hall. Steady, but sure, you don’t make a sound as you carefully continue onward, step-by-step -- it’s natural, just like another training exercise. Soon, the sound of running water greets you as you continue along the hall – that as well as some off-tune singing.

    You wince. Badly off-tune.

    But you’ve been taught to persevere, no matter what the situation.

    Your head peeks around the corner.

    Clear. Just like you thought it would be.

    And now that you’re closer, you can determine exactly what the Rat is up to. He’s in the shower.

    Eyes narrowing to tiny, cat-like slits, you decide he has been feeling much too comfortable inside the house as of late. You’ll have to do something about that.

    Your grimace morphs into a grin as you gently push open the bathroom door. It never quite closes properly – never has; with a single push you can usually urge it ajar without it making much of a sound. Riley’s never bothered to fix it. Besides, with that singing, you doubt he’ll hear anything at all.

    ****

    Five minutes later, you find yourself back outside, your head dangling over the deck in contemplation. A pile of clothes and a towel -- his clothes and towel to be exact -- rests beside you in a great, jumbled heap. The Rat never even saw you, and you never saw him. You just dragged his clothes out of the bathroom, and the towel for good measure.

    They had been lying on the floor, just begging you to take them.

    So you did.

    And no, you don’t feel the least bit guilty about it. In fact, you feel rather accomplished, and the clothing (acidic smelling as it is) is an apt emblem of your victory.

    Now, to burn or not to burn? That is the question.

    The more rational side of your brain tells you to leave his clothes alone – it’s probably the best set he has, and perhaps the only set, depending on how bad his apartment’s flooded.

    But the other side, the not quite so sane side, is telling you to make a bonfire out of it, and dance merrily in the flames and laugh like a mad man.

    ****

    It was a pity no one was around to see the green, red, and orange flames as they burned with manic frenzy. The acid, sludge, and other chemicals in his clothes turned out to be a bit flammable.

    (Hence the green.)

    But the fire has long gone out – its lifespan lasting a total of about three minutes. The clothes and towel had long since disappeared into a pile of soot, smoke the only hazy remnant from the raging fire. You still feel a bit giddy from your exploit, lying on the deck enjoying the sun. The door to the backyard creeks open, and you sit up. Riley emerges, looking triumphant. You rise to greet her, never mind the sewage smell.

    She laughs and waves before she spots the rather large pile of ash in the middle of the sidewalk.

    She sighs and shakes her head. “Burning things again, are we?”

    You shrug.

    “Well, I hope it wasn’t anything important.”

    You shake your head just as an unearthly, angry scream resonates from inside the house. Riley, rushes to the door, her face quickly changing from alarm to fear as she finds out the door’s locked. “Come on!” she yells angrily (at you, or the keys, you don’t know) fumbling with the keys as she tries to open the door.

    You stand up, taking your merry time as the door slides open and Riley rushes in, her gun now in hand, with you following close behind. Riley runs with practiced ease through the entrance, looking around every corner with her hawk-eyes. Finally, you both arrive to the long hallway that leads to the bathroom - the door is open, and just ten feet ahead of the door is a body, clothed in shadow. All the lights are suspiciously off.

    “Freeze!” Riley yells, and you decide, just for the heck of it (after all, why not?) to reiterate her command.

    The body moves, and says a familiar word, his voice barely a whisper, sounding suddenly stressed. “Riley…”

    Oh, it’s no thief. It’s only a rat.

    (Of course, you knew that all along.)

    Riley flips on the light switch. The lights chase away the shadows, and with the newfound light comes a very startling revelation. You blink as the idea takes hold, and **** your head.

    Make that one very naked rat.

    It takes a few moments for that idea to make its way into both Riley and the Rat’s brain, both staring at each other, completely and utterly stupefied, their thoughts probably scattered like bowling pins.

    The Rat’s yell of surprise and horror finally frees an embarrassed shriek from Riley. Both Riley and the Rat turn a deep shade of crimson, before making a very hasty retreat; Riley darts around a corner, while and the Rat bolts behind the bathroom door, slamming it shut.

    You, meanwhile, just sit and watch – it really doesn’t bug you.

    There is a moment of warranted silence.

    Tick. Tock. Tick. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

    Riley laughs – a short laugh as the shock of the encounter wears off. You can see her trying to find her voice, slowly shaking her head with her hand over her eyes.

    “Well,” she yells loudly, her voice strained. “Um.. well. We umm.. fixed…er… your … Grimer problem.”

    A quiet voice from behind the door answers, reeking with a high-pitched, fake sense of cheeriness. “Great!”

    Silence fills the room once more, until you hear the Rat sigh. “Umm… you don’t have any clothes I could wear, do you? A robe another towel or something – anything.”

    You snicker, and Riley, her face flushing back to its original color, looks confused. “I thought you had some.”

    ”Well, that’s the thing…” he says back, chuckling nervously. “You’ll probably think I’m crazy… but… well, when I came out of the shower, they were…umm…gone. The door was open, so I went out to go and try and find them – or something else… as I really don’t have…err…anything and no one else was in the house at the time, and then… well…”

    “Gone?...”

    Slowly, the fate of what happened to the Rat’s clothes seems to dawn upon her. She looks at you, wide eyed. “You didn’t…” You don’t make any motion to deny it. She slaps a hand to her face. “You did.”

    *****

    You had expected Riley to chew you out after your current endeavor, but she didn’t. All Riley made you do in apology was bring him a sack of clothes (Courtesy of a male friend of Riley’s). Once the Rat had gotten all necessary things to be able to be seen public he left, saying he’d be staying at a hotel until his apartment was fixed. Riley didn’t bother to stop him.

    And to make matters even better, your venture, as it turned out, had been a success; you haven’t seen the Rat for two weeks now. He hasn’t called and he hasn’t come over, nor has he been to the coffee shop at all – he didn’t even let Riley know what hotel he was staying at. You’ve seen him but once, and he left the building as quickly as was humanly possible, both he and Riley blushing like mad.

    You enjoy the newfound freedom of not having the Rat trail you and Riley everywhere with extreme gusto, not taking a single moment for granted. For once, everything seems to be going back to normal again. Everything’s finally as it should be.

    And you hoped it would stay that way.

    ****

    For another week, your luck holds out, and each day you come home, savoring the time spent with just you and Riley; although the police work has been keeping the both of you busy. Often, you’ve been coming home now, completely and utterly exhausted from the amount of work put upon you, to the point all you want to do is sleep.

    Right now, you’re following a trail of a Rocket member uncover. It’s tedious work, walking the streets of Saffron City day in and day out, following leads, and whatever else you can find. So far, those leads have been few and far in-between, and you’ve been following near-dead trails for days, but you feel your luck’s about to change.

    (You’ve never failed a mission before, and you don’t intend to start now.)

    The thought of failing makes you work at an almost obsessed pace, and you quite literally drag Riley along through the thick crowds of people and Pokémon alike each time you go out to work.

    And this day is no exception. So far, it’s been like every other normal day: cars whiz by across the streets, vendors sell their wares, and constant battles from trainers are going on all around. It makes it hard to work; the sights and smells intermingle with one another, and with the constant jabber of the metropolis, it’s hard to hear.

    You’re used to working in such conditions, but the distractions do not please you in the least.

    All you concretely know is that he’s here – the Rocket man. He’s lurking about, using the crowds for cover. You’ve seen his picture, and know what he looks like, but even though he might stand out with a scar above his eye, Saffron is so crowded, even he could be easily overlooked.

    Suddenly, you hear a yell and you look up just in time to see a thread of long, white flame flash in the sky, before disappearing. Your heartbeat quickens, and excitement surges through your veins like electricity.

    It’s the sign! Someone’s found him!

    (But the thread of flame is also a call for reinforcements.)

    You need no more incentive, darting through the crowd with Riley close on your heels. You navigate through the maze of people – pushing, shoving, and yelling, your eyes fixed on where the flame had come from. You speed up as you break through into an open space, taking a moment to look over your shoulder. Riley’s having a hard time breaking through, as she’s clad in her civilian clothing.

    You’ll have to go forward without her.

    Another shot of flame bursts in the sky just ahead of you, and it doesn’t take long before you hear the sounds of battle – roaring, yelling, orders being given. You round the corner quickly, spotting the battle just a few yards away.

    Scared?

    (Not in the least.)

    Nervous?

    (Why should you be?)

    Excited?

    (Always.)

    Ready….

    (Your heart is pounding; muscles tensing; eyes constricting…)

    Steady…

    (The thrilling song of battle is in your ears, increasing in volume at a rapid crescendo, filling your body with adrenaline and fire…)

    Go!

    You enter the fray in a matter of moments, dodging blasts of energy that ripple past you through the air. You can hear orders being given above the commotion, and through the mass of bodies, both friend and foe, you can see the Rocket you’re after. But you’ll have to get through his Pokémon first.

    You dodge to the side as another blast of energy shoots past you, your own fiery bullets finding their marks with amazing, deadly accuracy. You can see Blaze dart past you, roaring aloud, baring his fangs in a fearsome snarl as fire erupts out of his throat. On the other side, you can see Sinatra the Commander’s Ninetales, slowly weaving her way through the pack of fighting animals, glowing white. Each tail is surrounded by a silver nimbus, and you can see the beginnings of Imprision at its work – the faint wisps as thin as fish line, but stronger than steel.

    She’s just waiting for the opportune moment – for the Commander to give the final order.

    But the time is not yet, there are still enemies to dispatch.

    The Rocket’s Fearow dives toward you, but your assault sends it reeling in pain, cawing as it attempts to keep afloat, while at the same time looking murderous. It dives.

    You brace yourself for the strike, but neither you nor the Fearow see Blaze’s torrent of fire until it slams into the back of the bird mercilessly, singing both beak, talon, and feather to an almost blackened color, pushing it into the pavement. The Fearow has barely time to utter a frustrated caw before Blaze takes it down for the count.

    Then, through the mass of confusion, comes two almost simultaneous flashes of evanescent light. Out of the white haze, you hear the man giving an order to his newly appeared companions: two large Weezing.

    “Smog!”

    Immediately, all four heads release a spew of thick, purple gas. It clouds the air with its sickly purple haze, becoming larger, laced with poison. You can’t see through the thick veil, and the Smog stings your eyes and obscures your vision, and all you can smell is the sickly, rotting scent. But you keep running. You have to keep running – you can’t let the Rocket get away.

    Frustrated cries are coming from all sides of you as you run – the smog has no doubt filled the area, and it will take time to disperse. Your team’s most lethal weapon: fire, cannot be used here, as you know from experience the deadly haze is flammable, and the merest touch of fire could trigger a large, devastating explosion. So all you can do is plow through, and hope you’re heading in the right direction.

    You finally escape out of the smog into the free air. Looking around quickly, you spot Sinatra chasing after the Rocket and his remaining fighters as they flee across the street, just a foot behind them.

    But she’ll need help.

    You rocket forward, dead set and determined to secure your goal.

    (You will not fail.)

    As you dash across the pavement, you look back over your shoulder; you see only the billows of violet and a few stumbling bodies as they clear the fog. One of them, you think is Riley.

    She had better be watching.

    Your eyes return to your the Rocket, now running at a dead sprint. You move onto the road, your concentration fully on the just yards ahead of you. You’ll be upon him any time, now, and victory will be yours. But so concentrated are you on your goal that you don't see the car coming up the street. It's only when you hear Riley's panicked voice that you snap out of your reverie. You slow down, looking over your shoulder to see if anything's wrong.

    It’s then, in that one terrible moment, that you hear the horn on the car blare and the warning cries of bystanders as they scream at you to get out of the way.

    (But the cries sound echoed, as if they’re coming from a place far, far away.)

    It’s then you smell the scent of burnt rubber on asphalt as the car tires screech against the road.

    (But the smells are dulled, like smoke from a fire long gone out.)

    It’s then you see the car – a great monster hurtling toward you. It won’t stop in time.

    (But you can’t move; your legs are frozen, and your mind is in a shocked stupor.)

    They say that when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes, but it is not so. Your mind is a blank slate, uncomprehending – even the feelings of fear are dulled. It’s like you're watching the coming events from behind another’s eyes.

    Only one single word floats about in the blackened void.

    Why?

    Your eyes close, and your body prepares for impact –

    Suddenly, warm arms wrap around your torso, pulling you up and back. Then, you and the body collide against the curb as the one who picked you up throws their body to the side – away from the car as it darts past.

    You slowly open your eyes.

    You’re alive.

    “That was close.” A nervous laugh.

    The voice is familiar, your eyes widen.

    It’s the Rat.

    Gradually, your thoughts kick back into gear, and the realization on what’s just happened hits you like a Thunderbolt.

    Did he just…. save you?

    Stunned beyond all reason, you don’t even utter a sigh of relief. All you can do is stare – stare at the man who has just saved you. You can’t quite believe it. You don’t want to believe it.

    “You’re both so – so stupid!”

    Both yours and the Rat’s head snap around at the sound of Riley’s voice. She’s standing just feet away from the both of you, tears brimming at the corners of her eyes. It’s one of the only times you’ve seen her cry.

    “Riley…”

    “I don’t want to hear it. ”

    You blink, now deeply aware the Rat’s arms are still around your torso. You wriggle out of his grasp, and walk slowly back onto the sidewalk, sitting at Riley’s feet. The Rocket isn’t of concern anymore – Sinatra will take care of him, and the rest of the team. Riley needs you now.

    “You stupid dog,” Riley says, sighing as she sinks down to her knees, scratching you behind the ears. “You know better. You know better.” She then embraces you, holding on as if she'll never let go, tears falling down from her pale face onto your red fur. You bark in reassurance - showing her that you're still here, giving her a lopsided grin.

    Her tears slowly fade, and her gaze leaves yours, wandering over to the curb where the Rat is sitting, looking at a small, shiny object in his palm. “What were you even thinking? The car… you...”

    He jerks, surprised, and the shiny object falls from his hand and into the ditch. He doesn’t bother fetching it, and looks over his shoulder at Riley. He shrugs. “I don’t know. People just do crazy things sometimes… for different reasons.”

    You break out of Riley's embrace, a determined gleam entering your eyes. You step off the curve into the ditch. You spot the golden object hidden in bits of asphalt and dirt

    It’s a ring.

    Crazy, huh?

    Well, his actions may have been crazy, but you’re going to top it, right here, right now.

    You pick up the ring carefully in your jaws, and paw at the Rat’s pant leg.

    He turns. You open your mouth just a bit, letting him see the diamond ring clenched carefully in your jaws, before depositing it in his outstretched hand.

    Definitely crazy. But…

    He quickly pockets it before Riley can see. He nods once, showing his understanding, before standing up and going to Riley’s side while you watch on.

    …you suppose you can share… just this once.
    Last edited by Saffire Persian; 6th June 2006 at 2:48 AM.

  2. #2
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    That's amazing Saffire... who exactly is Riley, though? A human or a Pokemon?

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    Wow! That is so awesome, Saffire! ^^ Althought I kinda thought the "Loyalty" as the title, and then turning back to "Rat"... Well... Let's just say it was a little obvious to me what he was going to do: In someway, save someone, or do something good. Nevertheless, it was still the kind of story that keeps you hooked until the very end!

    (Or perhaps he was watching someone else, but you’d Rather not think about that.)
    Does the "r" in "rather" really need to be capitalized?

    She accepts the invitation to dinner , while all you can do is sit there and watch in disbelief as she takes the roses and puts them on the table instead of into nearest trashcan.
    I had a pretty good laugh while reading this part. Reminds me of my sister. Whenever she gets any plant, she either kills it one way or simply tosses it. ^^;;

    Riley escapes behind dart's around a corner.
    Something just doesn't seem right about that sentence...

    (But the cries sound echoed, as if they’re coming from a place far, far away.)
    Shouldn't it be "the crying sound echoed"?

    Overall:

    Awesome job, Saffire! You might want to keep a closer eye while proofreading, though. Keep on writing, and I'll be sure to review your Metamorphosis fanfic later.
    Last edited by Hakura May; 12th April 2006 at 1:20 AM.

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    Wow, I thought the main character was a human until the end. Nice description of the emotions of jealousy and hatred, they completely fooled me that the protagonist was a human.
    You never were there....but you never were here, either...
    This the Prince Manaphy, my bishie. *hugs*
    Thanks to Coronis for the Manaphy sprite and ~*SeijisSeviper*~ for the Anti-Manaphy!

  5. #5
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    Wow... it's like one of those romantic comedy movies but seen through the eyes of a pokemon. Amazing. Amusing. A must-read-or-be-deprived-of-something-REALLY-special. A winner. *doffs imaginary top hat* Dear, you have done it again.

    I assumed from near the start that the 'you' was a Growlithe... toyed with the idea of an Arcanine, but the voice seems a little too immature for that... and I can't really picture 'the Rat' scooping an Arcanine up. XD

    Y'know, there's not a lot I can say here, apart from the usual words of generic praise. 'Gorgeous', 'hysterical', 'beautiful', 'thrilling', etc. It was just so masterfully crafted. You truly have a talent for constructing the reader's character - it just fits so smoothly under the norms of human behaviour that it's almost undetectable that there's another personality there. Yet at the same time, that personality comes across very strongly and distinctly. Skills.

    And that was a very soft ending... muchly loaded with warm fuzzies... but it so FIT!! All the tension resolved but a lingering promise of an active/entertaining/interesting life for the three. Wow. Congrats. And congrats again. Bah, I'm running out of synonyms for 'fantastic' here, so how's about you, oh skilled writer, fill in the blanks?

    Best of luck and fun to you, as always.

    Piney.
    I wish you peace and love. God bless us all.

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    Hello again Saffire Persian! Great work! Man, I was thinking about doing a fanfiction story about jelously also, but it's more of between brother and sister realtionship. Don't worry, I am not mad. Anyways, great work. Like some people said, at first I thought the main character is a human but then it's a Growlithe (or Arcanine?) If I interperted anything wrong, then correct me okay. I just came back home not too long ago and started reading this. Oh, also, while I was reading this, I thought this story should not be in the Pokemon section, but then at the end I understand why this is part of your collection of Pokemon fanfiction stories. Well, that is all I have to say and hope you update Metamorphoisis soon!


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    *claps* I loved it, loved it so much. ^^ I love your second-person style, and this is my favorite so far out of all your works, including Metamorphosis. You write so beautifully, you really make all of the narrative resonate with the reader so it never feels awkward or out of place. I look forward to reading more of your work...bravo!

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    Legendary Arcanine: Riley is most definitely human. ^_^

    Tavion:

    Wow! That is so awesome, Saffire! ^^ Althought I kinda thought the "Loyalty" as the title, and then turning back to "Rat"
    Umm.. I'm not sure what you meant here.

    Does the "r" in "rather" really need to be capitalized?
    Nooope. *uncapitalizes*

    Riley escapes behind dart's around a corner.

    Something just doesn't seem right about that sentence...
    X.x' Yes there is. *changes*

    Quote:
    (But the cries sound echoed, as if they’re coming from a place far, far away.)

    Shouldn't it be "the crying sound echoed"?
    I don't think so. 0_o It's in present tense, so, cries (There's more than one cry going on, too. XD) I think is correct.

    Awesome job, Saffire! You might want to keep a closer eye while proofreading, though. Keep on writing, and I'll be sure to review your Metamorphosis fanfic later.
    Yes, proofreading is my bane. Bah! Thanks for your review, though.

    Rekkuza Ryu:
    Wow, I thought the main character was a human until the end. Nice description of the emotions of jealousy and hatred, they completely fooled me that the protagonist was a human.
    Thanks. ^_^ I hoped I'd be able to pull that off, I wasn't too sure how many I could fool.

    Pinecone Tortoise:
    I assumed from near the start that the 'you' was a Growlithe... toyed with the idea of an Arcanine, but the voice seems a little too immature for that... and I can't really picture 'the Rat' scooping an Arcanine up. XD
    *imagines the Arcanine imagery*

    XD... And yes, 'you' was definitely a Growlithe. I didn't mean to confuse people on that aspect though. Also, can you imagine an Arcanine hitting a car? They're huge things - I'm afraid the car would be totaled.

    Thanks for your review. ^_^; I'm glad you liked it.

    Bay: In the Non-Pokémon section? XD... Dear me, not what I was wanting to get across. 0_o But didn't the "Beautifly" comment in the first paragraph kinda hint it *did* belong in the Pokémon Fanfic section?

    And the *you* is a Growlithe. For reasons explained above. Can you imagine the Rat (My heck, he needs a name!) pulling an Arcanine out of the way? XD... Not happening.

    Thanks for your review, and I'll try and update Metamorphosis soon.

    Scrap: : You liked this one out of all of my works? XD... I didn't think that would happen, but I'm happy you liked this one.

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    Well, I don't know...this one just made me grin, particularly with the burning clothes part...it just seemed like this one had the most "personality", if that made any sense. ^^;

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    Thanks for explaining a couple of things. Yeah, I remember a Beautifly comment but I guess while writing the review I sort of missed it. Also, probalbly my wording is wrong on the review I written but what I meant is at first while I was reading the beginning of the story I thought this story could stand alone without having Pokemon in it, kind of like how some people said of Scrap's story "Fresh Fish" can stand alone without Pokemon in it (If you are reading this Scrap, sorry), but after reading the end of the story I can understand the reason why this story is good enough with a Pokemon. Now I learned to never judge too soon! Sorry for the confusion on my review, if you are confused on anything. Thanks for explaining some things to me.


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    Now, that was just frelling fun. ^^ Pokémon perspectives = BOSSNESS. Always. All the characterization was just absolutely perfect, and majorly entertaining. I think you did an amazing job of portaying the Growlithe's possessiveness in an appropriately "doggy" manner, and the Growlithe's actions are just utterly priceless - the pyro...the clothes-snatching...the CUTENESS at the end. I just love that little doggy. ^^

    Only spotted two possible errors:

    He has persevered, despite your numerous attempts to let him know you hatred and disgust for him.
    Only corrections I can think of there are "your" or "of your".

    You blink as the idea takes hold, and you head.
    ...Huh?


    And now for the highlights:

    (The thing is, he and Blaze might share the same intelligence, but he, unlike Blaze, does not possess the ability to breathe fire.)
    Heh. That definitely made me smile. ^^

    Your angry eyes move over to the table, where the roses are placed, and grimace. An odd, but satisfying idea then comes into your head, and you drag the roses off the table and into the backyard.

    There, you have the pleasure of watching the roses burn, their red petals curling and writhing from the fire’s touch before being reduced to insignificant, dead ashes.

    Totally, and completely unimportant. Worthless. That’s what they are.

    Your smile widens.

    You can’t help it if you’re a pyro.
    That Growlithe just pwns spectacularly. ^^

    Riley tries to look halfway apologetic and manages it.

    You don’t even try.
    “Out,” he says.

    It takes you a moment to finally realize what he said. Out? OUT?!

    “Yes, out,” he says, noticing your suddenly wide-eyed expression. He sounds a bit nervous, reaching for an object on the table.

    You glare at him. Bite me.
    XDDDDD Yeah, that's what I'd be thinking, too.

    Five minutes later, you find yourself back outside, your head dangling over the deck in contemplation. A pile of clothes and a towel – his clothes and towel to be exact -- rests beside you in a great, jumbled heap. The Rat never even saw you, and you never saw him. You just dragged his clothes out of the bathroom, and the towel for good measure.

    They had been lying on the floor, just begging you to take them.

    So you did.
    Awesome. XD

    Now, to burn or not to burn? That is the question.

    The more rational side of your brain tells you to leave his clothes alone – it’s probably the best set he has, and perhaps the only set, depending on how bad his apartment’s flooded.

    But the other side, the not quite so sane side, is telling you to make a bonfire out of it, and dance merrily in the flames and laugh like a mad man.
    XDDDD Oh, that makes me think of those frosted wheat cereal commercials..."But my frosted side says BURN 'EM!" XDDDD

    ...Oh, Lord, I've gone into spaz mode. XDDDDDDDDD

    It was a pity no one was around to see the green, red, and orange flames as they burned with manic frenzy.
    VERY cool choice of words.

    (Hence the green.)
    Okay, now why in the heck do I like that sentence so much as I do? o_o

    Make that one very naked rat.
    XDDDDDDDD

    Slowly, the fate of what happened to the Rat’s clothes seems to dawn upon her. She looks at you, wide eyed. “You didn’t…” You don’t make any motion to deny it. She slaps a hand to her face. “You did.”
    Classic moment. XDDDDD

    It’s then, in that one terrible moment, that you hear the horn on the car blare and the warning cries of bystanders as they scream at you to get out of the way.

    (But the cries sound echoed, as if they’re coming from a place far, far away.)

    It’s then you smell the scent of burnt rubber on asphalt as the car tires screech against the road.

    (But the smells are dulled, like smoke from a fire long gone out.)

    It’s then you see the car – a great monster hurtling toward you. It won’t stop in time.

    (But you can’t move; your legs are frozen, and your mind is in a shocked stupor.)

    They say that when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes, but it is not so. Your mind is a blank slate, uncomprehending – even the feelings of fear are dulled. It’s like you're watching the coming events from behind another’s eyes.
    That is an incredible depiction of the deer (or dog)-in the headlights feeling that seems very accurate (wouldn't truly know personally because I've never been in imminent danger of being hit by an oncoming vehicle) - an excellent example of second-person writing at its very best, making the reader feel there.


    This definitely takes a high and esteemed place on my list of favorite fics here. You've done one heck of a boss job here, and I hope you're just as proud of this piece as I am fond of it or moreso, because you should be. ^^ *salutes*
    DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK
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    Wow. You had me fooled into thinking that the main character was human untill the end. The emotions of jelousy that you crafted so wonderfully added to the impact of the whole thing. And the fact that it was a Growlithe, one of my all time favorites, only sweetened it. Its personality fit well with the pokedex entry. Is that where you got his personality from? The clothes-snatching and the pyro bits were classic XD. IMO, when I saw the ending it was a little obvious what was going to happen, with the way the 'rat' was acting and all. He seemed to want to connect badly and after reading this title I knew things were going to work out. It's sad to hear this is the last 2nd person project you'll be doinging for a while since I think it brings out some of your best work.

    I think you know what's coming. ;D

    He barely had finished crossing the road
    Don't like the order of the words here. 'He had barely finished crossing the road' would sound better.

    She accepts the invitation to dinner , while all you can do is sit there
    Extra space between dinner and the comma not needed.

    The clothes and towel had long since disappeared into a pile of soot; smoke the only hazy remnant from the raging fire.
    Tick. Tock. Tick. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
    ~B.E
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    Scrap:
    Well, I don't know...this one just made me grin, particularly with the burning clothes part...it just seemed like this one had the most "personality", if that made any sense. ^^;
    *nods* Yeah, that makes sense now that I think about it. XD Because Ties' character was pretty bland personality wise, and Metamorphosis' is more of a laid back character too, so yeah, I see what you mean. ^_^..

    Bay :
    Thanks for explaining a couple of things. Yeah, I remember a Beautifly comment but I guess while writing the review I sort of missed it. Also, probalbly my wording is wrong on the review I written but what I meant is at first while I was reading the beginning of the story I thought this story could stand alone without having Pokemon in it, kind of like how some people said of Scrap's story "Fresh Fish" can stand alone without Pokemon in it (If you are reading this Scrap, sorry), but after reading the end of the story I can understand the reason why this story is good enough with a Pokemon. Now I learned to never judge too soon! Sorry for the confusion on my review, if you are confused on anything. Thanks for explaining some things to me.
    Ohh, now I get what you mean. Yes, this could be a stand alone 'fic if it wanted to be. (Granted, if I were to keep the POV of the dog, the Pyro segments would have to be cut out). But I get it now! And yeah, I've read Scrap's Fresh Fish and agree with your statement. ^^ It could easily be a stand-alone, the Magikarp just made it be a Pokémon one. Thanks for clearing it up. XD Sorry it didn't quite get through my head there.

    Sike: : *goes to kill the errors pointed out*

    Now, that was just frelling fun. ^^ Pokémon perspectives = BOSSNESS. Always. All the characterization was just absolutely perfect, and majorly entertaining. I think you did an amazing job of portaying the Growlithe's possessiveness in an appropriately "doggy" manner, and the Growlithe's actions are just utterly priceless - the pyro...the clothes-snatching...the CUTENESS at the end. I just love that little doggy. ^^
    Thanks. XD I was hoping that I'd portrayed the feelings of a dog towards its owner well enough. I was also unsure of how entertaining it really would be - I found it fun to write, and the pyro parts myself were my favorite. I dunno - pyros just amuse me.

    (Hence the green.)

    Okay, now why in the heck do I like that sentence so much as I do? o_o
    'Cause it's in parentheses! XD

    Thanks for the review, Sike, and I'm happy you're fond of it - oh, and and your new banner rocks.

    blackemerald:

    Wow. You had me fooled into thinking that the main character was human untill the end. The emotions of jelousy that you crafted so wonderfully added to the impact of the whole thing. And the fact that it was a Growlithe, one of my all time favorites, only sweetened it. Its personality fit well with the pokedex entry. Is that where you got his personality from? The clothes-snatching and the pyro bits were classic XD. IMO, when I saw the ending it was a little obvious what was going to happen, with the way the 'rat' was acting and all. He seemed to want to connect badly and after reading this title I knew things were going to work out. It's sad to hear this is the last 2nd person project you'll be doinging for a while since I think it brings out some of your best work.
    Yay! I fooled someone else! *dies* XD. It was what I was trying to do, but I wans't sure how well I would get away with it. As for the Pokédex entry, no, it didn't lead to the Growlithe's personality. I just took the idea of how Dogs are associated with Loyalty and Possessiveness, and though it'd be fun to write about what would happen when another 'human' moved in on that territory. My dog, for instance, is a jealous little git (cute though) who can't stand it when he's in the room and we're paying attention to other people (Or animals). He hates it, and will do anything to get attention.

    Yeah, it's the last new 2nd Person, Metamorphosis will be the only Second Person project I'll be working on for the next few months..XD So I guess I haven't totally gone on hiatus from doing them yet. End yeah, the ending was a bit obvious, but I wanted this one to end happily (Especially after the sad ending in The Ties that Bind I didn't think I could bring myself to do another sad ending.

    Thanks for pointing those errors out, too. ^_^ You have better eyes than mine! *goes to kill the errors*

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    Nise Saffire! Very nice... I loved this one as much as I loved the previous one. Well done! *claps*

    I absolutely adored the battle scene, it was just brilliant! Very realistic. The rivalry was nice as well. Poor rat. XD


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


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    Nise Saffire! Very nice... I loved this one as much as I loved the previous one. Well done! *claps*

    I absolutely adored the battle scene, it was just brilliant! Very realistic. The rivalry was nice as well. Poor rat. XD
    Yes, the poor rat. XD If it weren't for the bias of the main character, I think you'd find he's quite a nice guy. xD Glad you liked the battle scene in it, though I rather loathe it because I can never get battle scenes to go how I want - or sound the way I want for that matter. Thanks for your review!
    Last edited by Saffire Persian; 13th April 2006 at 10:37 PM.

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    o_o I envy your ability so much, Saffire! But I love this story/one-shot! I loved it. I read it aloud to get the real gist of it and it was worth it. I loved that you kept the 'You' a secret to the very end. I realized about halfway through that the 'You' was a Growlithe, so you fooled me. xD

    I really like Riley. You don't get to really know her, but you know she's a kick arse girl that works in the police business and that makes her awesome enough. I liked Rat until he locked ‘You’ out, I’m like, that’s a bunch of bull crap! It’s not even his house!!

    Here are some highlights that I really liked:

    But the other side, the not quite so sane side, is telling you to make a bonfire out of it, and dance merrily in the flames and laugh like a mad man
    Why does that sound like something I would do? xD

    Oh, it’s no thief. It’s only a rat.
    Please tell me why I enjoy that sentence so. ^^

    “Out,” he says.

    It takes you a moment to finally realize what he said. Out? OUT?!

    “Yes, out,” he says, noticing your suddenly wide-eyed expression. He sounds a bit nervous, reaching for an object on the table.

    You glare at him. Bite me.
    That’s definitely something that I would’ve said!! That’s so great!

    It’s then, in that one terrible moment, that you hear the horn on the car blare and the warning cries of bystanders as they scream at you to get out of the way.

    (But the cries sound echoed, as if they’re coming from a place far, far away.)

    It’s then you smell the scent of burnt rubber on asphalt as the car tires screech against the road.

    (But the smells are dulled, like smoke from a fire long gone out.)

    It’s then you see the car – a great monster hurtling toward you. It won’t stop in time.

    (But you can’t move; your legs are frozen, and your mind is in a shocked stupor.)

    They say that when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes, but it is not so. Your mind is a blank slate, uncomprehending – even the feelings of fear are dulled. It’s like you're watching the coming events from behind another’s eyes.
    O_O That is the best description I think I’ve ever read anywhere. Just the feeling of that moment is amazing. That and the fact that the ‘You’ shares that you don’t see your life flashing before your eyes. It’s just the one question, ‘Why?’ in your mind. Amazing.

    Again, Saffire, you should be really proud of this work. It’s amazing and utterly awesome. I need to go read Metamorphosis now..>>;

    See ya, Saffire.
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    Lelouch is watching over all of us.

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    Mimori Kiryu: Wow! A review from you? I'm honored. ^^:

    I really like Riley. You don't get to really know her, but you know she's a kick arse girl that works in the police business and that makes her awesome enough.
    Yes, pity we didn't know her better. I really like her character, too. And yes, she's very kick arse. ^_^ Females in the police business just rock, in my opinion. XD

    that’s a bunch of bull crap! It’s not even his house!!
    You have no idea how much I laughed at that comment. xD It's exactly what *you* were thinking, too. XD

    O_O That is the best description I think I’ve ever read anywhere. Just the feeling of that moment is amazing. That and the fact that the ‘You’ shares that you don’t see your life flashing before your eyes. It’s just the one question, ‘Why?’ in your mind. Amazing.
    ^^; Thanks - I'm glad I got the point I was trying to get across well enough for the reader's to understand.

    Thanks for your review - I really, really enjoyed reading through it, and was very much entertained by your comments. ^^ Good luck with your own writing.

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    Hey Saff, just read this and I'll give it a nice quick review since I'm sure plenty of other people gave/will give nice big long ones XD I'm waaay too lazy <_> I'm reaaally trying to say something apart from I liked it, but my mind is kinda dead now.

    I didn't love this one as much as the Ties that Bind (though I agree with Sike that this one had a bit more personality too it) or Metamorphisis, but I still think this r0x0rs my s0x0rs. Your second-person style doesn't seem to be changing, it's pretty much the same in Metamorphosis and The Ties That Bind as well. The style is nice (Especially the parantheses in the narration) and how well you're able to make us feel emotion, though you should still experiment with something a bit different eventually. Is your future horror one shot going to 2nd person?

    I didn't pick up many errors, maybe because I wasn't really looking that hard, I just felt like reading XD So good job with having very few excessively obvious errors! As usual with second person fics, this one shot flowed extremely well and I started reading the first sentence and was glided easily through the whole of the one shot. There were times I was a bit confused, but I suppose it's a good sign if you are confuzzled occasionally. And did I mention I was half-dead while reading this? I need a good run or something to wake me up... What else about your actual writing....decent length, there really wasn't amazing description, but THAT DOESNT MATTER =) (Im sick of hearing description, description, description in reviews....), good emotion...

    Charachters took a little bit to get used to, but they were more than adequate after I got used to them. It took me a while to realize that I was Growlithe (when Rat said "Why Am I bothering?"), but things made much more sense afterwards. Especially with the fire, I thought it was a human pyro and the one-shot would end with him throwing the rat into a furnace or somein. A loyal pet fiercely guarding his owner made much more sense than a partner from some Law and Order show obsessing over his partner... Is Riley an Officer Jenny? I was wondering that a lot. I coudlnt say I was too fond of Rat especially considering what my POV showed... Figures that he would get redeemed by saving my life >_< I was in hysterics when his clothes and towels went "pffft", like something out of a comedy movie.

    Now for the actual plot, it was lovely. I was expecting a bit more drama to be honest, but it was adequate the way it was and stuck to its theme of loyalty. Much better than the morbid images that were passing through my eyes in my predication of the end XD I loved a lot of the interaction between Rat and Growlithe, especially the couch and the shower. Riley was interesting as a side charachter who we didn't see much of, yet fueled the entire plot. I was expecting some more action from the ending, but it was fine without it. I was a tiny bit dissapointed the overall ending to be honest, but that doesn't mean I didnt like it. I really wish there was a better way of Rat redeeming himself, but meeshapooshupapa.... (brain officaly 3/5 dead) The last lien was perfect though....so me XD


    Overall, pretty good one shot! Very cute 4.3/5
    A Championship Battle
    FINISHED: Johto's top psychic trainer and the granddaughter of an Elite Four member go head to head for the Silver Cup championship. Features underused pokemon including Tropius, Slowking, and my personal favorite, Jynx



    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

  19. #19

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    Yeah >< My Second Person writing style hasn't changed much. I've been trying to stop using the parentheses so often in Metamorphosis , but lets hope I'll be able to diversify my style to a better degree. And I agree there wasn't any amazing description (I didn't want that.)

    And I was deliberatly trying to hide the fact the *you* was a Growlithe, so yeah, it makes perfect sense you were confused - I wanted that. XDXD Because then it'd make sense afterward (Granted, that may have made things difficult to read). Hopefully not too difficult.

    Especially with the fire, I thought it was a human pyro and the one-shot would end with him throwing the rat into a furnace or somein
    XDXDXDXD. I SO should've done that.. *cough*

    Well, I would've if I wanted to classify this as horror/dark drama. But I wanted more of a comedy out of it - and that's also why the ending is how it is. Not too dramatic, just plain and simple. Saving *you* from a car was probably one of the only things the rat could have feasibly done.. He's a measly guy who works in an office :3... He has "WIMP" written all over him. (Loser, too, but meh.) But he's getting better, he was getting more of a backbone from being with Riley (or so I tried to show).

    And as for the Horror one-shots. I have two planned - one I am probably going to turn to second person, and see how that turns out. XDXD.. The other.. I don't think so. But the latter one is probably going to come out fairly soon, as I've been wanting to do something other than second person before everyone shoots me for making them. X3...

    Thanks for your review, and it wasn't short in the least. Thanks for pointing all those details out.

    Oh - and since when am I Scrap? =p *points at your signature*.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    London
    Posts
    1,414

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    I was checking your fic here in Serebii after the contest. You said that that there is a prequel to Chance, so I thought that I decided to check it out. And I must say this, two words: great job.

    I like all the characters because of their personalities and such but the character I loved the most was that Growlithe… a lot. Like me, he can rather malicious to people he doesn’t like, if I was him I’d burn the rat's (BEEP!) too. Here are some of my favourite character’s highlights:

    When they depart together, you’re left alone. You have no intention of leaving the house; you’ll stay until Riley and the Rat get back. Your angry eyes move over to the table, where the roses are placed, and grimace. An odd, but satisfying idea then comes into your head, and you drag the roses off the table and into the backyard.

    There, you have the pleasure of watching the roses burn, their red petals curling and writhing from the fire’s touch before being reduced to insignificant, dead ashes.

    Totally, and completely unimportant. Worthless. That’s what they are.

    Your smile widens.

    You can’t help it if you’re a pyro.
    Looks like he and I have something in common. Flowers = Useless
    “Out,” he says.

    It takes you a moment to finally realize what he said. Out? OUT?!

    “Yes, out,” he says, noticing your suddenly wide-eyed expression. He sounds a bit nervous, reaching for a red and white object on the table.

    You glare at him. Bite me.
    Actually, the Growlithe should’ve bitten him there.
    Now, to burn or not to burn? That is the question.

    The more rational side of your brain tells you to leave his clothes alone – it’s probably the best set he has, and perhaps the only set, depending on how bad his apartment’s flooded.

    But the other side, the not quite so sane side, is telling you to make a bonfire out of it, and dance merrily in the flames and laugh like a mad man.
    I was thinking ‘Do it! Do it!”
    It was a pity no one was around to see the green, red, and orange flames as they burned with manic frenzy. The acid, sludge, and other chemicals in his clothes turned out to be a bit flammable.

    (Hence the green.)
    YAY! ^^
    Slowly, the fate of what happened to the Rat’s clothes seems to dawn upon her. She looks at you, wide eyed. “You didn’t…” You don’t make any motion to deny it. She slaps a hand to her face. “You did.”
    Great!
    …you suppose you can share… just this once.
    He’s right... that was crazy... ^^’

    I think you’ve might made a couple of errors here…
    She accepts the invitation to dinner ,
    Spacing problem.
    and you can see the beginnings of Imprision at its work
    Is the letter I suppose to a capital?

    That’s it. You have done a great job on this.

    I don’t know if you checked out the spoiler I made, but I want to thank you for making my life a living hell when I had to choose between yours and Big Al’s one-shot in that Laughingstock contest, it was a difficult choice. Yeah, I placed you as my no.2 in my rankings but I’m still very proud and happy that you’ve won.

    Overall score: 5/5

    Check these out:

    Thanks for the card, Skiks
    Pokemon Impact (PG13):
    Series: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 (Cancelled)

    Starring Black Jack, a veteran pokemon trainer who saves the lives of others while breaking necks of his enemies in cold blood. You want action? You got action!
    (Continue or Reboot? That is the question.)

    Goldenrod High (Chaptered Comedy Multishipping fic PG13) Updated: 02/12/09
    Who says school is just for learning? ^^

    Check out my other stories, and everyone else's in the Completed Fics forum!

    Been doing some singing and voice impressions too! Check me out at the Brian Random Channel Thread!

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
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    Charis, Safehold
    Posts
    317

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    It was very good I thought the main character was a human until the end
    It has a good plot it's descriptive
    Undead
    Jabberwocky

    Mayoral Discandiditure

  22. #22
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Do NOT turn around
    Posts
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    Wow. Just wow. This was an overall great story. I'm not the kind of guy who can tell you what's good or not, so I won't, but you described the Growlithe's feeling of loyalty so well. You also described *you*'s helplessness because he's a pokemon excellently.

    ...I'm speechless.
    ~This sig is a sig. If yours isn't, copy and paste this onto your sig.~

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    414

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    Scared?

    (Not in the least.)

    Nervous?

    (Why should you be?)

    Excited?

    (Always.)

    Ready….

    (Your heart is pounding; muscles tensing; eyes constricting…)

    Steady…

    (The thrilling song of battle is in your ears, increasing in volume at a rapid crescendo, filling your body with adrenaline and fire…)

    Go!
    I really liked how you wrote this part, very well done. I especially liked how you used 'fire', giving it two meanings.

    cawing as it attempts to keep afloat,
    Afloat? I didn't know fearows floated; I thought they flew.

    Your eyes return to your the Rocket, now running at a dead sprint. You move onto the road, your concentration fully on the just yards ahead of you. You’ll be upon him any time, now, and victory will be yours. But so concentrated are you on your goal that you don't see the car coming up the street. It's only when you hear Riley's panicked voice that you snap out of your reverie. You slow down, looking over your shoulder to see if anything's wrong.
    I read this...anticipation grows...and the phone rings. Just like a commercial would do on a tv show. What kind of timing is that? Dang Capital One's robots.

    It’s then, in that one terrible moment, that you hear the horn on the car blare and the warning cries of bystanders as they scream at you to get out of the way.

    (But the cries sound echoed, as if they’re coming from a place far, far away.)

    It’s then you smell the scent of burnt rubber on asphalt as the car tires screech against the road.

    (But the smells are dulled, like smoke from a fire long gone out.)

    It’s then you see the car – a great monster hurtling toward you. It won’t stop in time.

    (But you can’t move; your legs are frozen, and your mind is in a shocked stupor.)

    They say that when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes, but it is not so. Your mind is a blank slate, uncomprehending – even the feelings of fear are dulled. It’s like you're watching the coming events from behind another’s eyes.
    I've loved how you use 2nd person, I've told you that before, and I've always loved how you use parantheses in your writing. This section has to be my favortie and least favorite part of the story all at once. Favortie because of how well it's written and how much emotion it carries into my mind, and my least favorite because...well, I think that bit's obvious. It reminds me of a part of a book I recently read in which they depict a character's death this way, with the senses fadign and such. Very nicely done.


    Awesome story, Saff. At first it seemed like you were talking about a Pokémon, but I think it was around the time you used the word 'feral' that it clicked for me. Your portrayal of emotions in this was near-flawless, IMO, it was actually good enough to warrant some real emotion on my part while reading it. That's something I've tried to kill, to be able to read most stories like this without batting an eye. That way the great ones stand out when I come across them. This one stood out.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  24. #24

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    Brian Powell:
    and you can see the beginnings of Imprision at its work
    Is the letter I suppose to a capital?
    Yes, as Imprison is a Pokemon move, and I capitalize them.

    I don’t know if you checked out the spoiler I made, but I want to thank you for making my life a living hell when I had to choose between yours and Big Al’s one-shot in that Laughingstock contest, it was a difficult choice. Yeah, I placed you as my no.2 in my rankings but I’m still very proud and happy that you’ve won.
    thanks. ^^ Sorry I made it so difficult to judge though I guess some solid competition never hurt anybody in the [long] run of things. Thanks for your review!

    Shadowlight: thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I was wondering how many people I would/woudln't fool in the end.

    Foo: Haven't see you around before. Thanks for reviewing. ^^ I left you speechless, eh?

    Snoringfrog: Afloat... I guess it's an odd choice of wording with a connotation that might not fit fearow as well as some. I'll keep that in midn and contemplate on changing it for a better synonym whenever I get the urge to revise.

    I'm glad you like my second POVs though, they're currently my favorite to write, followed by first, then third. I'm glad people have actually come to appreciate the second person POV now - it's a rather undervalued POV now that I look at it, as hardly anyone uses it, and I've found that it's just as viable as any other, and the limations an constraints placed on it stereotypically don't necessarily need to be followed. I.E: You should n ever reveal the name or gender of you to better fit the reader into the characters shoes, etc.

  25. #25

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    Exellent! Some minor spelling mistakes, but nothing big. But, is the main charracter a Houndour Growlithe?
    "therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"
    (romans 8:1)

    "cause when I made the choice to live beyond the dirt that we tread,
    I felt the curse of mortal limit fall before it was said."
    -Demon Hunter

    Jesus is my existence now. He loves you and me in a way that makes the fiercest passions of men look like hate. forget the oppressive voices in your head that scream he isn't real, they're only jealous after all.

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