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Thread: Heart of the Sea (A Parable)

  1. #1
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    Default Heart of the Sea (A Parable)

    This is my first fanfiction story. I am a little nervous about it as this is the first fiction I wrote in a little bit. I had stop writing for a little bit to take a break and learn how to write better. Well, I decided to use this as a tool for improving my writing, whether it be doing better characters, plots, grammar, etc.
    Now the story is based on the novella Old Man and the Sea. The reason I am writing this story based on the novella is because I liked the message of the story and I think it could be a good idea for a Pokemon fanfiction. Usually I see a lot of adventure and orginial trainer stories but not much parables, as this is what the story is going to be. The story will be as long as a novella but updates might take a little long as I am very busy at the moment. Also, the story might be a little boring at first but it will get better as the story progresses. Before I start the story, here is a warning:

    Warning: This story will be rated PG-13 for Violence. If you do not want to read scenes of Pokemon being eaten, then leave this thread right now.

    Okay I will be quiet. Well, nothing else to say then to sit back and enjoy the story.

    ***CHAPTER INDEX***
    Prologue: The Storm (Posted 3/17/06)
    Chapter One: Obeying Your Parents (Posted 4/1/06)
    Chapter Two: Hope is a Thing That Makes Us Happy (Posted 4-18-06)
    Chapter Three: A New Threat (Posted 5-14-06)
    Chapter Four: The Crusade Against the Fish (Posted 5-29-06)
    Chapter Five: The Contest Past (Part One)
    Chapter Five: The Contest Past (Part Two)
    Chapter Six: The Big Catch (Posted 7-10-06)
    Chapter Seven:Struggling to home (Posted 8-1-06)
    Chapter Eight:Reflecting and Remembering (Posted 8-9-06)

    ***PM NOTIFICATION LIST***
    Timid Kyogre
    Saffire Persian
    Silentvibrava (used to be lightkeeper; might have spelled his named wrong but will correct it later).
    Cheshire Cat
    Charizard722
    The Great Butler
    Kutie Pie
    Tavion
    The Pokemon Master
    Hyuuga Hinata (used to be Kisa )
    Pinecone Tortoise (almost forgot about you! Sorry!)
    Sike Saner
    may lover
    Hahahabvc87
    SamBee
    IceKing
    katiekitten
    deadlyrose

    ***CURRENT PROGRESS ***(Last update:8-3-06)
    The end is near! I already thought up of the date of when I would like to post the last chapter of "Heart of the Sea", but I won't tell. XD Also, you guys will get two goodies! One of them being I will post the last part of "Take Fifty Five!" the same day I will post the last chapter here. Also, the second goodie will be announced when I post Chapter Eight. Sorry, you guys have to wait. ^^;

    THe Heart of the Sea
    A Parable


    PROLOGUE: THE STORM

    Harman is a small town that is your typical small town. Everyone knowing each other, small markets with people yelling out what they want you to buy, small comfortable houses, a lot of nice and friendly people, and children playing everywhere. The town is also filled with green grasses with beautiful flowers, houses on top of hills, and is next to a beautiful navy blue sea. The minute you enter this town you would have wish your town or city is like Harman.

    Right now Harman is covered with the tears of the shadowed color clouds and the winds are crying yelling in short shrieks. The small markets is now all closed and many people with their Pokemon are trying to go inside their houses as fast as they can. Many of them are really soaked and wet. Some people and the Pokemon had fell down because of the slippery wet ground.

    In her small brown home, Betty is cooking dinner. Today’s dinner is chicken soup with carrots and lettuce. The smell is liked a hot steam bath filled with nice smelling flowers. Her husband Markus is looking outside the window. He is seeing the chaos that is going outside. Luckily I am not outside where I get soaking wet and catching a cold, Markus thought to himself. Before Markus was watching the news to see the reports on the storm.

    “Right now it is forty five degrees with the wind at twenty five miles per hour and rain pouring down two inches above ground. Also, the clouds are moving at twenty miles per hour so the rain should be stop in a couple of hours.”

    Betty saw that her husband is looking through the window. Markus’s face is shown with grief and concern.

    “Markus, why are you still looking through the window? Also, if you are not watching the television no more, why don’t you turn it off? You are wasting electricity!”

    “I can hear the television can’t I?” said Markus in a laughing tone. Betty does not like it when her husband jokes like that.

    “Markus!” said Betty slowly but in a harsh tone.

    “Just joking Betty. Anyways, I am worried about Aries, her Shelgon, and Damus.”

    Aries is Betty and Markus’s son and Damus is a Pokemon fisherman who is friends with both Markus and Aries. During the summer Aries would always go help with Damus on catching some fish. Usually Betty does not approve of Aries going fishing with Damus because most of the time Damus cannot catch some seafood. She believes that Aries can catch more Pokemon fishes alone then being with Damus. Sometimes Betty even believes that Damus is the most unlucky person there is.

    “I do not know why Aries would want to be with Damus. Damus uses his Pokemon to faint the fish Pokemon he catches.”

    “Well Betty, at least Damus is not really trying to use those Pokemon for bad uses, like taking over the world. How can you catch a fish Pokemon if it is not fainted? All the Pokemon fisherman does that.”

    “Not all Pokemon fisherman. Stan uses harpoons to get his catches, not his Pokemon. I liked Damus better when he was a Pokemon coordinator, and he was a real good one too.”

    Suddenly Markus is seeing four shadowy figures coming by. The shadowy figures are moving as fast as their muddy feet can handle.

    “Betty, I think it is them! They are finally here!”

    Suddenly Markus rushed through the door to the entrance of the house and open it. Facing in front of Markus is an old man, a young boy, a Manectric, and a soaking wet Shelgon.

    ~~~~~
    Sorry if this prologue is not with character explinations or action yet. Later in the story you will get to know the characters and there will be some action.
    Last edited by Bay; 11th August 2006 at 3:38 AM.


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    Okay...first of all, your tenses (past and present) tend to alternate and can get confusing. You should stick to one. Next, your sentence structures are flat and repititive in too many places, like this one:

    In her small brown home, Betty is cooking dinner. Today’s dinner is chicken soup with carrots and lettuce. The smell is liked a hot steam bath filled with nice smelling flowers. Her husband Markus is looking outside the window. He is seeing the chaos that is going outside.
    Try rewording a few of these and combining when neccessary, because they all have the same structure, which entirely ruins the flow.

    I can't comment on plot yet, since there isn't much...

    Description went well at first, then you plummeted to flat stuff. What about emotions? I don't know what the characters are feeling enough to feel the emotion with them. A small brown home? What does that tell me? I can't picture it. A well-written work would make the reader feel as if he/she was there in the scene.

    Takes of bit of work, but has a lot of potential. Keep going!
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    Thanks Ratiasu for the first review! And I used to be real good at description too! Like I said, has been a while since I wrote fiction. In the next chapter I will try to put more description in it. Also, I will put up a lot more emotions in the next chapter.
    At first I was thinking about putting decriptions of Manectric and Shelgon in it but then I decided to put it in the next chapter. I will try my very best to improve the story but there could be a chance the story will have some mistakes here and there. No one says writing will be perfect. Well, I will start doing Chapter One and hope this will be an improvement from this prologue. Also, thanks Raitasu for thinking this story has potential. (Gives you a Dr. Pepper)
    Last edited by Bay; 18th March 2006 at 3:49 AM.


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    You're welcome! It's always a relief to find a GREAT potential writer among all the n00by fics we've been getting in the last three months- they've toned down.
    My tumblr or something: x

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    Not a bad prologue, Bay. It may use a bit more description, but otherwise it's good. I'm going to keep my eye on this to see how it goes. And it's good you've been writing fics for a while now. I did the same thing and it helps a lot. But I think my writing description's falling...

    Anyway, hope you have fun with this story of yours! Wish you luck!

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    ♥Kutie Pie♥ Please be kind to midgets!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
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    Thanks Kutie Pie! (Gives you an apple pie) Yeah, I wrote a few fiction stories but this is my first Pokemon related fanfiction. Hum, maybe I will go back to this one story I had not finished up yet.
    I had fun planning this story and so far right now I am having some fun doing Chapter One. I will post Chapter One probably in a little bit.


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    Ooh, apple pie! Could you pass me a piece?

    Centering your story around Pokémon fishermen was a good idea. It's got originality *and* potential, a good mix.

    Keep it up, and I may just bake *you* a pie when it's done.

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    Thanks Great Butler! Yeah, I believed the Pokemon fishermen should have some of the spotlight. And yes, I will give you a piece of the apple pie too! I am glad that everyone so far is thinking that this story has some potential! I will try my best to improve it.


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    Looking good. Though I must say in your description in the beginning you were listing descriptions. Try to flow them together.


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    This is not a bad start ^^ I could imagine everything almost perfectly. Just add more description as someone said before, and you'll go far. If you'd like an example of how you can change your description up, just ask me. Now here's a few suggestions:
    The small markets is now all closed and many people with their Pokemon are trying to go inside their houses as fast as they can.
    Change the "is" to "are," as you're addressing "markets," and not "market." With the exception, of course, that you meant "market" and not "markets."
    “Just joking Betty. Anyways, I am worried about Aries, her Shelgon, and Damus.”
    If I'm not mistaken, Aries is Betty and Markus' son, a boy. Should be "his," unless you're referring to another person.

    Anyway, I'm subscribing ^^ I don't think I reviewed stories around since 2004 XD

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    Atomicmonkey: Thanks atomicmonkey! Yeah, the description in the prologue seems to be a little bit like a list. Should keep off the "is"! I am trying my best to change the description of chapter one.

    The Cheshire Cat: Dang it! Yeah, Aries is suppose to be Betty and Markus's son. Even I can make those little mistakes. Thanks for liking some parts of the story and telling me that mistake. I will PM you chapter one before I post it and see if any of my description need some changes. You will get it probably in a couple of days or so. Right now I am busy with math homework and it is harder and longer then I thought.
    Last edited by Bay; 19th March 2006 at 7:06 PM.


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    Sounds great ^_^ I'll be you beta, if you want.

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    Okay ladies and gentlemen, here is Chapter One! Sorry for the long update. I would have post this chapter a little while ago but I have been very sick, and right now I am still sick. So far I got parts of Chapter Two done but still got a long way to go. I will try my best to get Chapter Two done but I am not sure if I will udate with Chapter Two any time soon. I got school and my health to worry about! Oh, before I stop talking, sorry Cheshire Cat that I have to post this before you corrected my mistakes! I managed to change a few things in this chapter after I gave you the rough draft one so I hope that does not make you mad. Anyways, onto the story!

    Chapter One: Obeying your parents

    The four black moving shadows that Markus can recognized were Damus on the left, Aries on the right, and both Manectric and Shelgon in the middle. All four of them are breathing hard and small clouds keep coming out of their mouths each time they take a breathe.

    Aries is a young boy who is about thirteen years old. He is wearing a green jacket and light blue jeans. Aries’s eyes is ocean blue and his hair is light brown. Damus is an old man about fifty years old and is wearing a dark blue sports jacket. Damus’s dust gray hair is all wet and his gray eyes are a little sleepy.

    Damus’s Manectric has ruby color eyes and the wrinkles under the Manectric’s eyes tells the story that this Pokemon has been through a lot of battles and hardships throughout his living years. Its blue and yellow body is feeling a little cold and its purple contest ribbon wrapped around his neck is a little wet. Aries’s Shelgon has its dark purple legs all brown and muddy. Its mouth is unseen because of its white round body covering it.

    Markus looked a little concern as he saw that Damus, Shelgon, and their Pokemon are all wet. He really does not liked to see them like this. Markus gave out a warm smile to all four of them, hoping it would warm their spirits.

    “Hello Damus and Aries!” said Markus happily.

    “Hi Mr. Garrison,” sleepily said Damus.

    “Hi Dad,” said Aries.

    “You two are all wet. You all better get warm before you guys will catch a cold. Come inside.”

    Markus then let Damus, Aries, and their Pokemon come inside to the house. Damus’s eyes are not surprised at the look at the house as he been inside the house a few times already. Aries and Shelgon went to sit on a long size green sofa next to a black marble table while Damus went to sit on a small black sofa with Manectric on his lap. Markus went to the kitchen where his wife is while Aries and Damus were watching the news.

    “Betty, will you go get the towels?” asked Markus nicely and gently.

    When Markus asked Betty that question, Betty first looked a little mad. One of her eyes is half closed and her mouth was about to propose her husband for wanting to get the towels while cooking dinner. A few seconds later Betty’s facial expression changed from mad to understanding. She closed both of her eyes and she gave out a little smile.

    “Sure Markus, I will get them right now.”

    Betty got out of the kitchen and went to the bathroom to get the towels. While Betty was getting the towels, Manectic was looking at the pictures on the wall. There is one picture of Aries and Shelgon outside at a beach close to Harman. The picture was a few months ago while Shelgon was just a sky blue Bagon. There was also another picture of both Damus and Aries holding a Seaking. The Seaking is a light orange color instead of dark orange like other Seakings. Manectric’s eyes then turn to Betty, hearing the soft footsteps coming from where the bathroom is. Betty came back with maroon and green towels and gave the towels to Damus and Aries. Both Damus and Aries were drying themselves with the clean towels.

    “Thanks Betty for the towels,” said Damus in a low voice.

    “You are welcome Damus,” said Betty. She then went back to the kitchen to finish cooking dinner.

    While Damus is drying his Manectric and Markus watching the news, Aries was looking outside the window. Tears of rain still pounding hard on Harman. Aries was thinking about letting Damus stay here for a couple of hours-or at least until the rain stops. Aries knows that Damus can go outside on his own with his Pokemon helping him but he does not like the idea of having Damus letting his Pokemon be out in that kind of weather and get hurt. Seeing Damus’s Manectric wet and shaking from being cold is good enough. After staring at the rain for a couple of minutes, Aries decides to ask his mom first if Damus can stay inside this house for a little bit. Aries told his Shelgon to stay where he is and went to the kitchen to talk to his mother.

    When Aries came inside the kitchen he saw that his mother is stirring the chicken soup into a silver pot. He is seeing how the small pieces of fresh green lettuce, dark orange carrots, and white breasted chicken are slowly absorbing the liquid pale soup. Aries took a deep breathe and was opening his wide mouth to speak to his mother.

    “Mom, is it okay if Damus stay here for a couple of hours or so until the rain stops?” said Aries in a mumbling voice. He can feel his sweat going though his ear.

    “Why son? Damus can go outside on his own,” said Betty while still stirring the soup.

    “I know he can go on his own and he has his Pokemon to help him, but after seeing his Manectric all soaked and wet, I do not want Damus to let any of his other Pokemon to get wet or catch a cold.”

    Betty then stop stirring the soup for a couple of minutes and looked at Damus’s Manectric. Right now Manectric is sleeping on Damus’s lap. Damus is slowly petting Manectric fluffy fur. She can hear Manectric growling slowly but sweetly and its mouth gave out a cute smile. After seeing Manectric being comfortable in the living room, she decides to let Damus stay.


    “All right son, Damus can stay, but only until the rain stops,” said Betty with a smile.

    Aries then gave her mom a big hug. Aries then whispered something into her mother’s ear.

    “Thank you mom.”

    Betty gave out a big smile and hugged her son back. Later Aries went back to the living room and was scratching Shelgon’s chin while waiting for dinner.

    About half an hour after Damus and Aries came inside the house, it is dinner time. Everybody is eating in the dinner room. The dinner room is with a black chest cabin with some nice dinner plates being shown. Also the fireplace next to the black chest cabin is burning brightly with yellow and orange flames fusing together. Everyone is liking the chicken soup, even Manectric and Shelgon. While eating dinner, Markus was asking Aries and Damus about today’s little fishing trip.

    “So did you two and your Pokemon managed to catch anything today?”

    Aries was about to speak with his mouth full but Damus put up his right hand.

    “Wait until you finish eating Aries,” said Damus nicely.

    Aries nodded, understanding it is bad manners to talk with your mouth full. Aries then start finishing eating a carrot before he managed to answer that question.

    “No dad, we did not caught anything today,” said Aries sadly.

    “I’m sorry about that. Maybe you two will catch more fish tomorrow,” said Markus trying to be supportive.

    “We would have stayed out a little longer but because of the rain we have to leave a little early,” said Damus. His face is showing some disappointment because of how the rain came and ruin today‘s fishing activities.

    “So you guys are going to fish again tomorrow?” asked Markus.

    “Of course the both of us are going fishing again tomorrow! I would not go fishing with anyone else besides Mr. Everstone!” said Aries very happily.

    Betty suddenly stop eating her soup and her face became a little mad. One of her eyes is half closed and her closed lips are a little slanted. She is trying her best to not showing her anger. Betty then took a couple deep breathes and spoke slowly to her husband.

    “Um, Markus, can I talk to you for a minute in the living room?”

    Everyone, including the two Pokemon, were confused of why Betty would want a private talk with her husband. After a few seconds of dead silence, Markus is the first one to broke the silence.

    “Why, sure Betty. Excuse us.” Both Markus and Betty gently got out of their chairs and walking quickly to the living room. When the two were in the living room, the two started to speak in soft whispers.

    “Markus, I believed that Aries should go fishing on his own for now on.”

    “Why Betty? Aries really likes it when he fishes with Damus.”

    “I know, but I am afraid that if Damus did not get to catch a fish for a very long time, pretty soon Aries will wonder why he has been fishing with the unlucky Damus,” said Betty quickly with a madden tone. While talking, she was pointing her finger towards Damus.

    “Well, it has been forty days so far with no fish being caught but Aries seems to be still very happy.”

    “Forty days is not long enough. When a year has gone by, then Aries will get it in his head that fishing with Damus is a waste of time.”

    Markus mouth was open to say something but Damus somehow cannot let his mouth do the talking. After giving much thought, Damus thought it might be a good idea if Aries stop fishing with Damus.

    “I guess you are right. He may be happy right now, but two years from now he will get depressed,” said Markus gloomily.

    Betty gave out a huge grin on her face. Her closed eyes is showing that she had put blue eye shadow on her eyelids.

    “Good. I like to hear that. We should go back to the dinning room.”

    While the two are walking towards the dinning room, Markus was looking at both Damus and Aries with Damus talking to Aries about one of his contest battles. Aries’s eyes are filled with anticipation and excitement. As Damus’s story progresses, Aries is liking the story better every second. Markus gave out a weak smile. In his heart Markus knows that Aries would stick fishing with Damus until either one of them dies, but Markus really does not want to argue with his wife. If he disagrees with her then the argument would go on for quite some time.

    When Markus and Betty were in the dinning room, Damus had stop telling Aries one of his contest stories. Both Damus and Aries’s eyes shot forward towards Betty and Markus. Betty was the first one to speak.

    “Um Aries, your father and I have been talking and we decided that tomorrow you will not be fishing with Damus. Instead, you will go fishing by yourself.”

    Aries’s eyes were suddenly fading. His mouth turning his energetic face into a sluggish and sadden one. Aries is wondering why his parents would thought such a thing.

    “Um, why mom?” asked Aries in confusing.

    Markus was about to answer that question but Betty’s mouth is faster then Markus’s mouth so she cut in.

    “We believed that it is a good idea to catch some fish alone so that you do not need to be thinking in two years why you could not have stop fishing with Damus when you had the chance?”

    After hearing that, Aries felt a fire inside his heart. He wanted to scream like he never screamed before and telling his mother why she would say such a thing to Damus, even with him in front of her nose. Just then Aries looked at Damus and that made him not wanting to scream at his mom. While looking at Damus, Aries is seeing how Damus’s widen eyes is not with sadness or anger but with forgiveness. Also, his mouth gave out a slight smile. Aries is surprised that Damus is very calm, even with his mother saying unkind things about him. Sometimes when Aries saw Damus like that, he thought he must be the most relaxed and patient man in the world.

    When Aries started to speak, he is speaking slowly and nicely to his mother.

    “I have to disagree with you. I would rather fish with Damus.”

    “You are disagreeing with me?” said Betty in a slow but loud voice.

    “Yes. Besides, you think I would be happier fishing alone? I don’t think so. I believed the reason you do not want me to fish with Damus is because you do not like Damus.”

    Damus’s eyes began to sadden after hearing the two arguing. Not wanting Aries and Betty to argue no more, Damus began to speak.


    “Well Betty, if Aries want to still fish with me, then let him.”

    Betty’s cheeks started to become flaming red and her right hand is holding thin air very tightly. When she started to yell at Damus, Manectric and Shelgon stopped eating and was listening to the confused commotion.

    “Are you the parent of Aries? I do not think so. I am the one that thinks best for my son, not some old Pokemon fisherman who cannot catch a fish for a very long time.”

    Damus’s eyes did not change after Betty’s negative statement to him. Aries’s mouth was open wide. He knows his mom can be hot tempered at times, but not like this. He is starting to become more mad, but his face is not showing it. Instead, his face is showing sadness. His mouth is a frown and his head is slum down.

    “So I am not going to go fishing with Damus?” asked Aries sadly.

    “No. You are going to fish alone and that’s that,” said Betty coldly and slowly.

    Aries slowly turn around to see Damus with his eyes still looking sad. Damus know that Aries is expecting some sort of support for him, whether it be screaming at his mother or agreeing with him. Instead, Damus had said something that surprises Aries.

    “Sorry Aries, I cannot help you here. Your parents is the one that chooses whether you go fishing with me or not. If I were to take you fishing without your parent’s permission, then they would be mad at the both of us.”

    After hearing Damus saying that, Aries could have just scream at Damus for choosing his parent’s sides, but he could not get himself to do so. If he were to scream at Damus, then the two might argue and it could be a chance that Damus might not want to fish with him forever. Despite hating what Aries said, Damus is a wise friend and he respects him very well.

    “Ay, I guess you are right Damus. All right then, I will obey my parents.” After Aries finished saying that, Damus’s eyes were a little brighter and his heart a little more happier.
    Last edited by Bay; 1st April 2006 at 6:46 PM.


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  14. #14
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    Ooh, very good work. Well written and very, VERY good description. My only pointer is that you bounce between past and present tense a bit.

    Still, excellent work!

    (gives slice of Butler Empire banquet cake)

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    ^ Great Butler, you're spamming the thread! Edit if you have to!

    Great chapter Bay! (Though it was hard for me to read. And no, I'm not dyslexic. I'm hyperlexic. Guess it was my headache or something. I'm sick right now so yeah...)

    Anyway, loved the description! (Actually, I think it was the characters that confused me. It's been a while since I read the prologue.) And to obey his parents is great! He really should every day! (Sorry if this is wrong. Remember, if I don't read chapter's right, I get things mixed up.)

    - I'm confused.

    Whatever. Go play with my brothers.

    - YAY! SUPER SMASH BROTHERS! *runs off*

    Now he's got me more confused... Well, anyway, I can't wait for chapter two!

    ~~~~~~~~~~
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    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
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    The forums crashed when I posted that, which is why it posted three times. Apologies.

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  17. #17
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    The Great Butler: Thanks for giving me a slice of that cake! Yeah, I am not the best writer when it comes to tenses. I will see what I can do with the tenses in the next chapter. (Gives you a Pikachu plushie)

    Kutie Pie: The reason I put Aries obeying his mother is because in Old Man and the Sea, the boy in that story (forgot his name) had to obey his parents. That is one of the differences between this Pokemon version of Old Man and the Sea and Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea is I make the obeying parents part a little more important in this story, and there will be more of it soon. (Gives you a Mountain Dew).

    Oh, and thanks for the both of you for liking my desciption! After some criticism of the lack of desciption in the Prologue, I tried my best to improve the description. I liked how I described both Manectric and Shelgon. In Chapter Two expect some more desciption.


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    I'm still writing, but probably not much Pokemon stuff at the moment. HAM!


  18. #18
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    (Gives you a Pikachu plushie)
    (Takes Pikachu plushie and attaches it to the top of Butler Empire throne )

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    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
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  19. #19

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    Hey, Bay! Sorry it took so long for me to get to your fic. Your PM averted my from my eyes and I missed it for some reason. This is a really good start to a fic that sounds really good. The name kind of intriuged me and I was planning on reading it even before I saw your PM. Well the description, length, dialouge, and story is all good. The one thing that I am concerned for is your verb usage. Sometimes you switch between past and present like in this sentence:

    While Damus is drying his Manectric and Markus watching the news, Aries was looking outside the window.
    It should be more like "While Damus was drying his Manectric and Markus was watching the news, Aries was looknig outside the window." Or it could be like "While Damus is drying his Manectric and Markus is watching the news, Aries looks outside the window." It doesn't really matter which one you choose. Just pick one and try to stick with it. Also make sure there is a subject/verb agreement.

    Your parents is the one that chooses whether you go fishing with me or not.
    It should be more like "Your parents are the ones that choose whether you go fishing with me or not."

    I really like your story, but I don't like Aries' mom. She's so mean to Damus! You gave his mom some excellent character developement.

    I would really like to read more into this. You can expect more reviews from me!



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  20. #20
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    Thanks Charizard722 for the review! Verbs is probably my worst grammar spot. Like I said before, I will try my best on the subject-verb agreement on Chapter Two. Right now I am half done with Chapter Two but to tell the truth, I am not sure when I will post it. Also, thanks for saying I have given Betty good character development. Pretty soon Aries and Damus will be more developed in the next chapter.


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    I'm still writing, but probably not much Pokemon stuff at the moment. HAM!


  21. #21
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    Oh, I see Bay. Though I never read Old Man and the Sea, I understand. Guess this story's based on that a bit, eh?

    - Did she forget to mention she can't drink Mountain Dew or anything with caffine? Oh yeah. SHE'S A BLONDE! *pours out can*

    *whacks with fan* Wish he'd shut up. He's so mean. And I was going to give that to my cousin! That's it! For your punishment...

    - YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME ANYWHERE ON SUNDAY! YA HEAR ME??

    --; I'll get off now so I can punish him.

    - *dragged off* NNNNOOOOO!

    Oh, I liked the apple pie! ^^ Thankies! Can't wait for chapter two! I'll be here then!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ♥Kutie Pie♥ Please be kind to midgets!
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

  22. #22
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    Liked I said in the first post, it is based off from Old Man and the Sea, which is a really good book. I should have at least post an introduction of what Old Man and the Sea is about for those who had not read the book yet. The reason I did not put a little summary of Old Man and the Sea is because I do not want to spoil the plot of Old Man and the Sea for those who had not read it, but now I think about it, it is probably better if I did put a summary of Old Man and the Sea so that the readers here can get a better understanding of what I am trying to point out in my story. Also, I should have said of how this Pokemon version of Old Man and the Sea will have a few differences from the novella it is based of. Maybe I will put a short summary of Old Man and the Sea when I post the second chapter.


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  23. #23
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    Hey Bay! I don't know why, but I've had a strong urge to read this fic for a while (probably because your avatar is my second favorite pokemon...). I've never read The Old man and the Sea but this seems to be an interesting adaptation.


    For starters, I'm going to have to ask if English is your second language, because there is lots of weird syntax and problematic tense changes. The tense changes are a major problem; you have to stick to ONE tense and remain on it. I highly suggest you use the past tense because that's the easiest to use, present is a bit more tricky. If you want me to show you a revised version of your prologue so you can tell what sort of problems you are having, please feel free to ask. The way you organize your words and present your sentences, it's not bad, but it feels a tad bit strange. For example,

    While Damus is drying his Manectric and Markus watching the news, Aries was looking outside the window. Tears of rain still pounding hard on Harman. Aries was thinking about letting Damus stay here for a couple of hours-or at least until the rain stops. Aries knows that Damus can go outside on his own with his Pokemon helping him but he does not like the idea of having Damus letting his Pokemon be out in that kind of weather and get hurt. Seeing Damus’s Manectric wet and shaking from being cold is good enough. After staring at the rain for a couple of minutes, Aries decides to ask his mom first if Damus can stay inside this house for a little bit. Aries told his Shelgon to stay where he is and went to the kitchen to talk to his mother.
    It reminds me a bit of how the Mothers talk in Joy Luck Club, I suggest you read Old Man and the Sea a bit more carefully and see how Hemmingway uses his wording to avoid making it sound so...Asian. Unless that's what you're shooting for of course

    As for the plot, it hasn't really gone any where yet, so I don't have too much to say. What we have so far is that Aries is good friends with Damus and every day they go fishing, but never catch fish, and his parents aren't too fond of that. To be honest, it doesn't sound too interesting, but because of the fact this is a parable, I'm quite interested as to seeing what this is going to represent. I suggest you emphasize the importance of fishing in Harmon a bit more, because it is clear that it is a very important aspect of their lives, but not clear enough in the text. I couldn't help but chuckle at how calmly Aries disagreed with his parents, and I found it to be a nice turn from the typical "angry teenager" you get. Also, you should develop the friendship between Aries and Damus a bit more.

    Other things such as description and charachters are adequate, but you can still crank them up a bit more. I can definetely picture the world your painting, but throw me in as well! I can definetely see the charachters, but let me feel like I'm in their shoes! So basically, I'm advising you to attempt to step it up a notch


    But the real main focus should be to fix your awkward wordings and stick to past tense. I know this review focused on everything to improve, but alas that is my style XD I liked this more than I sounded, and I'll definetely be around for future chapters.

    5.5/10
    A Championship Battle
    FINISHED: Johto's top psychic trainer and the granddaughter of an Elite Four member go head to head for the Silver Cup championship. Features underused pokemon including Tropius, Slowking, and my personal favorite, Jynx



    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

  24. #24
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    Thank you IceKing for the review! Oddly enough, English is actually my first language. In my home my parents do not speak too much English so maybe that is why I am lacking in grammar. Also, yeah so far the plot seems to be a bit stale in the beginning but later on the plot will get more intresting. I am trying my best to develop the friendship between Aries and Damus more better then this, but truth be told it will not be easy. I am trying to think some ideas of how Aries and Damus' friendship will developed even when Aries will not be fishing with Damus no more. I will say Chapter Two will develop Aries and Damus' frienship a little bit more then Chapter One but not sure if that will be enough. Lastly, I will try to emphaise fishing a little more but not sure how I will do that.
    Anyways, thanks for reviewing and giving advice on how to make this story better. I will try my best to improve the later chapters but it will not be easy.


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    I'm still writing, but probably not much Pokemon stuff at the moment. HAM!


  25. #25

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    Yeah I know what you mean by the English at home thing. My parents speak Korean at home. I speak it fluently as well and English is actually my second language. I lacked in grammer, prepositonal phrases, spelling, etc. So it's all understandable. I hope the next chapter will be here soon!



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