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Thread: Shadow's Claw {One shot}

  1. #1
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    Default Shadow's Claw {One shot}

    I was bored as usual, and I was just reading the PokeDex in the main site. Read Gengar's entry, and this fic came to my mind. It's not one of my best work, but oh well. This is my first one shot, too O_o sort of short since its just a random thing.

    I seriously don't know if something like this was written before or not O.o Since it's from a PokeDex entry...yeah.

    And because I was bored too, every Pokemon mentioned here...I read its entry

    ~Shadow's Claw~

    One shot

    I’ve always dreamt of climbing Mt. Pyre, and after all those years of begging my parents, I was finally going there with Jane, my older sister who was just older than me by four years which makes her 23 years old. I thought it would be extremely wonderful, watching the stars sparkle in the middle of the night while surrounded by graves and grass. What I didn’t know was everything I didn’t expect to happen was going to occur.

    “Ahurani, you know I don’t want to do this, but I’m telling you don’t wander off alone or else.” Jane said while she was driving, but I didn’t really care or listen to her because I was tying my shiny red hair in a ponytail.

    Oh, how I regret not listening to what she said so bad.

    When we were finally there, I was as excited as a Salamence who flew for the first time in its life. I was walking slowly in amazement, staring at the graves as I entered. I had always been a huge fan of ghosts and spooky stuff, so I was really interested. Jane grabbed me and dragged me to the other part of Pyre.

    We climbed the mountain slowly while looking at the view around. The place was very foggy and humid because it was surrounded by water, but I didn’t really care. I had to take off my black glasses because I couldn’t see with them in the humid weather. I didn’t see perfectly well, it was a bit blurry, but at least I was able to see.

    “Wow, you’re actually enjoying it here? It’s quite obvious. Your green eyes are finally appearing because your eyes are like…open wide for once.” Jane said in a bored tone. I thought it was very nice of her to come with me, since she was the absolute opposite of me (except for the looks, she looks exactly like me) she hates ghosts, and likes what I dislike. But for some reason, Jane was like my role model. She happens to be an excellent Pokemon trainer and trains her Mawile everyday, but that day she left her Mawile home just to go there with me, her little sister, Ahurani Fullerton who happens to be nothing compared to what she was.

    It is too late to thank Jane, too late to do anything.

    “Oh, a Vulpix!” I said cheerfully while I was pointing at the brown Pokemon. It had one, small white tail, which made it obvious it had just been born. Jane quickly took out her thin, gray camera, and took a picture of the Vuplix. Its eyes still weren’t open, but where was its mother?

    The mother Ninetales was slowly walking down from some hill with berries. Jane started taking more and more pictures with a grin on her face.

    “This is fun, I’m sure mom and dad will love these pictures!” she said as she took more pictures of the Ninetales and Vulpix.

    Night was falling, and we had to camp somewhere.

    Why didn’t you just go home, Ahurani?

    “Like what I told you before in the car, do not wander off or I swear you’re going to be more than dead.” Jane warned me.

    Why didn’t you listen, Ahurani?

    We set two different camps all next to each other, and I went inside to “sleep”. I waited for so long till I knew Jane was sleeping. I didn’t even think that what I was doing was wrong. I was completely incorrect. I was walking in one scary path when I didn’t listen to Jane, a path which will prevent me from going back to start.

    I climbed further up in Mt. Pyre, and when I finally reached to the top of Mt. Pyre. I saw just what I wanted to see. The stars were glittering in the dark, black sky. Rain was soaking the trees near the Berry Master’s house, and the ocean waves were drowning the rocks at Lilycove. I was completely amazed and distracted by the scenic view that I didn’t notice what was actually happening.

    The place was sort of hot at that time, and suddenly the heat was replaced with cold chill. I was shivering from the cold. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any jacket with me. I was trying to ignore the chill, but I was shaking terribly and it felt like my face was about to freeze. I felt something move out of me, and I noticed…

    My shadow was moving by itself, waving at me.

    At that time I was more than freaked out. I couldn’t yell for Jane’s help since I was too busy trying to fight the chill. I tried to run but for some reason, I couldn’t. And then…

    I froze and saw myself fall to the ground. I just stood there, while I was staring at my corpse.

    I was no longer freezing, though I felt that I was hollow for some reason. I ran quickly back to the camp to tell Jane what happened, and when I hit a rock...

    I went through it. I went through the solid rock that would’ve probably hit my head and made me faint...

    If I was alive.


    I turned back to see a Gengar laughing while staring at my corpse, and it slowly faded away.

    Great job, Ahurani.

    It was the end of everything I knew. It was the end to everything that is Ahurani Fullerton. I was dragged away from life, and fell into the thing most fear of…

    Death.

    Why didn’t you listen to Jane, Ahurani?

    Review! ^_^

    ~Timid Kyogre

  2. #2
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    =o So Gengar can steal souls? Interesting...^.^ You could've improved by making it slightly longer, and describing things in more detail. But apart from that, it's a great idea xP

    Looking out for more of your fics~!


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  3. #3
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    Sequoia: Yes, I know. It's short, but I was just bored XD Glad you liked it ^_^

    I don't really expect much reviews for this

    ~Timid Kyogre

  4. #4
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    O-o;

    Whoa... a fine piece of work there, TK. Can send a chill down anybody’s spine... well, not literally. It’s okay but the length could’ve been made longer by extending more details in each scenery; then again, short stories can be as short as this.

    The words in bold, those are Ahurani’s thoughts, am I correct?

    Another particular I would like to mention, unless it’s a shiny pokemon, Vulpixes are coloured red.

    It's very good

    Overall score: 3.5/5

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  5. #5
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    Nope. I read the old enteries for Vulpix (RBYGSC) and the new ones (RSEFRLG) and what I read was when a Vulpix is born, it has one white tail, not a brown one (It also says its brown, not red, in the PokeDex )

    And I wrote this one shot as if like Ahurani was recalling the moment. So yeah, the bold parts are her thoughts.

    ~Timid Kyogre

  6. #6
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    Nice Timid!

    I quite liked the spookyness of the story, the bolded thoughts was a nice add on. I quite liked the ending, it was really nice.

    On a different note, I do, however, feel that you got there a little quickly. You didn't drag out the earlier day, using description to create an atmosphere. You could have given subtle hints through-out, in the way you describe things by giving them a menacing undertone. When she broke away to go up the trail, you could have spent a while describing the mist, the surroundings, the graves. When she reached the top, you could take time to describe the view a little more. I did like it, but it needed more.

    Still a good job Timid! It was a good idea, and it turned out quite good. I can see the gengar laughing at her, that was quite a nice add on. Great job!


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  7. #7
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    Thanks! ^_^ Yeah, I know, but when I wrote it the time was like...1am? O.o I just wrote it for fun. Maybe soon, you'll see a much more longer one shot written by me. ^^ Glad you liked it, I don't really think its that wow

    ~Timid Kyogre

  8. #8
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    Hey Timid Kyogre! I really liked this story! Ahurani should have listen to her sister! Anyways, like everyone said, this story could be longer but it has good enough lenght to put what you want in the story. Also, there are a couple of sentences I thought maybe that you could have broken into two sentences.

    I’ve always dreamt of climbing Mt. Pyre, and after all those years of begging my parents, I was finally going there with Jane, my older sister who was just older than me by four years which makes her 23 years old.
    You could have maybe put "my older sister who is twenty three years old".

    “Wow, you’re actually enjoying it here? It’s quite obvious since your green eyes are finally appearing because your eyes are like…open wide for once.”
    Maybe this sentence could have been broken into two and be change to "It's quite obvious since your green eyes are finally appearing. Your eyes are like......open wide for once", just to make it more clear.

    Sorry if I told you need to do a couple of corrections. Anyways, good work and hope to read more of your stories soon.


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  9. #9
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    Thanks, Bay ^_^ Glad you liked it. I'll go edit it now.

    ~Timid Kyogre

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    Hello Missus Rhonda (thats my name for you), I shall review your wittle one shot

    I was finally going there with Jane, my older sister who was just older than me by four years which makes her 23 years old
    Shes rather immature for a 19 year old o_0 And that sentence soudns a little out of whack, I suggest

    my older sister by four years, making her twenty-three years old

    She happens to be an excellent Pokemon trainer and trains her Mawile everyday
    Past tense might sound a bit better

    “This is fun, I’m sure mom and dad will love these pictures!” she said as she took more pictures of the Ninetales and Vulpix.
    Mom and Dad* Also dont use said so many times

    “Like what I told you before in the car, do not wander off or I swear you’re going to be more than dead.” Jane warned me.
    Obvious foreshadowing XD

    I waited for so long till I knew Jane was sleeping. I didn’t even think that what I was doing was wrong. I was completely incorrect. I was walking in one scary path when I didn’t listen to Jane, a path which will prevent me from going back to start.
    Flows a bit choppy with the whole starting the with the same prounoun. I suggest you tweek this paragraph

    corpse.
    Its better not to imply shes dead too early on



    That was an all right one-shot, for something you did at 1 AM. You can expand it a little more and make it pretty interesting though. There was some good suspense and foreshadowing here and there, but like Katiekitten, I also think you rushed it too quickly. Make the hair on our necks stand up and THEN throw her death like a brick at us. Also for a 19 year old, Alohmina really should be more mature. Or make her younger. It would have been nicer to add a description of the Gengar and his maniacal features to intensify the feeling of dread/fear.


    Overall its ok, but you can make it better if you want. I know this was just something you did because your bored, but once you post it in SPPf, that means your willing to expect harsh reviews =P
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  11. #11
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    Nah, I don't care. Harsh reviews or not, I just like reviews

    Gah, I know very well it isn't that wow but oh well. Still, pretty good I was just in the mood for some reason O.o

    Thanks for the review, IceKing!

    And...Missus Rhonda? O______O LOL.

    ~Timid Kyogre

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    Disturbing little ficlet, this was... (shifty eyes)

    It's interesting, the way she sometimes speaks of herself as herself, then other times speaks to herself as a third-person narrator of the events... It's sort of like the story is told from the living-main-character perspective and the dead-main-character perspective in the same time.

    The whole thing was written in a rather interesting way, as the matter of fact. ^_^

    And of course, gotta love the ghosts-killing-people-randomly-and-smiling-about-it. One almost feels sorry for the girl, even though she /did/ get what she deserved.

  13. #13
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    That story was pretty interesting. Strange, yet interesting. The only thing I don't understand is why would two girls want to spend the night in a graveyard? I give it overall 3/5. Hold on a second though! The Berry Master doesn't live on Mt. Pyre.

  14. #14
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    StellarWind:

    Yay!

    The whole thing was written in a rather interesting way, as the matter of fact. ^_^
    Aww, thanks That's what I was trying to do, I actually liked how I wrote it O.o Kind of gave a spooky feeling, or atleast, that's what I thought.

    Thanks!

    Fez the Mystfit Elf:

    The only thing I don't understand is why would two girls want to spend the night in a graveyard?
    I said in the story that Ahurani was a fan of spooky stuff and Jane wasn't. So yeah. And another reason why they were there because its a mountain, and they'll be able to see amazing views there. And that leads to an answer to a question you asked. Yes, the berry master doesn't live on Mt. Pyre, but his house is south of it right? When Ahurani was on the very top of it, she was able to see everything around Pyre, including his house.

    Hope that made it clearer.

    ^_^

    ~Timid Kyogre

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    Yes, you made it much clearer for me. I guess I didn't see where it said Ahurani likes spooky. And I didn't remember that the Berry Master was by Mt. Pyre, because I hardly ever go there in Emerald. Thanks for clearing me up Timid Kyogre.

  16. #16
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    When going to his house from Lilycove, you have pass by Mt. Pyre to reach there. That's how I said it was south etc. etc.

    ~Timid Kyogre

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