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Thread: The Crystal Harp.

  1. #1
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    Default The Crystal Harp.

    Along time ago, when my name was Master Chuckle, I posted a preview of a fic I planned to write called ''The Mystic Compass.'' Before I could begin writing it, however, I had a change of heart, and aborted this project. Ever since then, I have spent hours trying to think up a brilliant new Pokemon fanfic. After all this time, I have finally come up with a story I find fully satisfactory, and here it is.
    Before we start, I must tell you that the true nature of my fic does not become apparent until the third chapter. So do not let the theme of the first chapter deceive you into thinking this is a story centered around baby Pokemon and whatnot, because this is not the case. Now let us begin!

    -----------------------------

    Chapter 1: The Nursery.

    The Egg Warehouse at the Breeding Centre was darkened and silent.
    The innumerable eggs, which old Everisto had arrayed with loving care on the rows of shelves as if they were ornaments in a display cabinet, stood still, as if waiting to hatch.

    Suddenly, the silence in which these eggs bathed was broken by a conversation between an elderly woman and her granddaughter; both of whom had just entered and were now walking down the aisle.

    “Sorry to bother you grandma” said the granddaughter. She was a slender, flame-haired girl, as pretty, tall, and young as her grandma was old, short, and wrinkly. “But what’s the point of you guiding me down here when I can just walk down here on my own? I haven’t needed to be accompanied anywhere since I was seven, so why would that change now?”

    “This is more than just a petty stroll, Jessika,” replied her grandma.
    “Me and your grandpa have thought about it carefully, and we’ve decided it’s finally time for you to have your own Pokemon. We have been raising it in the nursery for a week, ever since it hatched, and now it’s at an appropriate age for you two to be introduced to each other.”

    “Oh!” exclaimed Jessika in delight. “This is fantastic news! Except… what if it’s a Pokemon I don’t like, such as a Dunsparce or Shuckle?”
    “Jessika, please!” reassured her grandma as they approached a wide door at the other end of the warehouse. “I hate those disgusting creatures as much as you do; of course we would never give you one. Why do you have to look at things in such a negative point of view?”

    It was now that they reached the door, which grandma proceeded to open. Beyond it was a relatively large pentagon-shaped chamber, with a cradle nestled against each of the five walls, and a large cylinder of milk with suckling taps petruding from all angles. Toys, some of them badly damaged after years of being played with, were littered across the floor.

    This was the nursery, were Grandma nurtured newly hatched babies until they were ready to wander the paddock outside the breeding centre.

    Then, without saying a word, Grandma scuttled over to the nearest cradle, withdrew the numerous quilts and blankets, and gently lifted from it a baby Pokemon. This Pokemon resembled a diminutive ursine, with a huge, fluffy ears, a crescent marking on the fur above its muzzle, and pleasantly plump paws evolved for gouging open Beedrill hives.

    It was exquisitely cute, much moreso than the Pokemon which Jessika’s schoolfriends persistently regarded as cute, and looking into its curious, innocent face filled Jessika with an unbridled joy she had never felt before.

    “Grandma, it’s adorable!” cried Jessika. “Thank you! What Pokemon is it, by the way?” she added as an afterthought. It looked like a Pokemon of wild descent, and Jessika was unfamiliar with anything that wasn’t raised and nurtured in a breeding centre.

    “It’s a Teddiursa, known by naturalists as a honivorous ursine-cub. Would you like to hold it?” Jessika nodded eagerly, and Grandma responded by passing Teddiursa into her awaiting arms.

    Little more than a moment later, Jessika gave a shriek of pain, and stumbled backwards in alarm. Teddiursa was hanging onto her arm, and gnawing it affectionately.

    “Calm down Jessika. I think it likes you.”

    “If it likes me, then why is it eating me?” cried Jessika, disturbed that something so innocent and sweet-looking could inflict such pain.

    “With some Pokemon, biting is a sign of affection. You should know that, seeing as you have lived in a breeding centre all your life.”

    “Ohhh…” said Jessika, relaxing. She felt slightly embarrassed that she had spent years of training to be a Pokemon breeder with her grandparents, and yet had forgotten one of the most significant aspects of Pokemon behaviour. “Well, I suppose I was too startled and in pain to realise that.”

    Teddiursa released its toothy grip, and rolled onto the floor, were it looked up at its new owner with a deep, profound fondness.

    Jessika had spent her entire life working with young Pokemon, and none of them had ever looked at her in such a loving way. She understood at this very moment that this was the start of a glorious relationship.

    “Grandma, this is the greatest gift ever! I promise that I shall take care of it and never let any harm befall it!”

    “I’m so glad you like it,” said grandma. “I was worried you might complain about not having an Eevee or Pikachu, or any of the popular Pokemon girls your age seem so obsessed with having.”

    “Don’t worry about that grandma” said Jessika. “To be honest, I never saw what was so special about Eevee and Pikachu in the first place. Oh, and by the way, what do you mean by ‘Honivorous bear-cub?’”

    “It’s a complicated way of saying ‘a baby bear that eats honey, but you needn’t worry about that being all it eats. It also eats nuts, berries, and almost all kinds of meat…humans being an exception, of course.”

    Suddenly, the chiming rhythm of the arrival bell vibrated through the breeding centre; and this meant that somebody had arrived at the gates to drop off one of their Pokemon.

    “Looks like we have a customer” said Grandma. “We better attend to them immediately.”

    She hobbled slowly and steadily out of the nursery, followed by Jessika. Teddiursa waddled behind ungainly, desperate to stay as close as possible to Jessika.

    Little did they know, that this “customer” would shape all three of their lives in ways they could not possibly have imagined…....
    Last edited by Komedic Konservationist; 28th July 2006 at 11:30 AM.

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  2. #2
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    Looks intresting so far...wonder where the harp mentioned in the title will come into play?

  3. #3
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    Quite interesting start. I find the current characters rather likable, and it was quite straightforward. I also liked the mystery the end entails, and I'm willing to see how it'll develop.

    Overall, nice write. No grammar mistakes I could spot. Not that I'd care anyway. I also like how it's an unusual start. Many good things can result off that.

    Now, while description was fairly good, I think you should've expanded on it a wee bit more. Just so we can have a better understanding of the surroundings and the character's looks.

    Your structure needs to be cleaner. Le's use an example:


    You wrote:
    “Calm down Jessika. I think it likes you.” “If it likes me, then why is it eating me?” “With some Pokemon, biting is a sign of affection. You should know that, seeing as you have lived in a breeding centre all your life.”

    Should be:
    “Calm down Jessika. I think it likes you,” said Jessika's grandma. Sligtly surprised of Jessika's sudden attitude.

    “If it likes me, then why is it eating me?” Jessika felt slightly scared.

    “With some Pokemon, biting is a sign of affection. You should know that, seeing as you have lived in a breeding centre all your life.” She then patted Jessika so she'd be slightly easier about this.


    Just an example. Try to separate the dialogue of each character one parragraph apart. And also use a bit more description within it, unless you wanna emphasize the dialogue, and only the dialogue. That'll make the story both easier to read and deeper.

    Still, I like this. With time, you'll improve. And as long as the plot is interesting, I'll be following this closely. See you next chapter!

    Paired with the adorable Avegaille ~ <3

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    Quote Originally Posted by *Orion*
    Quite interesting start. I find the current characters rather likable, and it was quite straightforward. I also liked the mystery the end entails, and I'm willing to see how it'll develop.

    Overall, nice write. No grammar mistakes I could spot. Not that I'd care anyway. I also like how it's an unusual start. Many good things can result off that.

    Now, while description was fairly good, I think you should've expanded on it a wee bit more. Just so we can have a better understanding of the surroundings and the character's looks.
    I know how dangerous overkill on description can be *coughcoughLOTRcoughcough* so I've decided to keep the descriptions thorough but spaced out. I might edit the chapters with some extra details and revamped dialogue once I'm finished.
    Chapter two is extremely long for a mere one chapter (Occupying approximately three pages on word) and has therefore taken a while too write, but here it is!

    -----------------------

    Chapter 2: Under the Cherry Tree

    Grandma and Jessika emerged from the warehouse into the field that surrounded the breeding centre, closely followed by the tenacious Teddiursa.

    It was the first time it had experienced the fresh air, and was gazing in awe at the lush grassy hills and beds of stately daffodils that waved peacefully in the cool spring breeze. Several Flaaffy (small, half-bald sheep with pink skin and long striped tails) were grazing on the bank of a pond.

    The chiming noise that had summoned everybody outdoors was emanating from an iron bell, which hung above the massive gates approximately 12 metres ahead. Grandma hobbled forth and pulled back the bulky latch that held the gates in place.

    They swung open, and in walked – or should I say, flowed – the most beautiful lady either Jessika or grandma had seen in there entire lives.

    She was extremely tall, and swathed in a gown of the finest pink silk you could imagine. Her pastry-coloured hair, which was topped by a garland of crystal daisies, fell in elegant curls over her shoulders, and the morning sun which shone through the open gate highlighted her wonderful figure; making her look lovelier still.

    But most incredible of all was her headdress. It was a huge, elegant structure, vaguely crescent-shaped, and made from the same opalescent crystal as the garland of daisies she wore.

    “Hello missy” welcomed Grandma, stepping aside and ushering the lady further into the breeding centre grounds. “What brings you to our humble breeding centre?”

    It was now that the lady spoke, and it was in a voice so sweet it was almost like honey. “I am of a society of breeders, who dedicate their lives to rearing endangered grass Pokemon for conservation purposes. I have come here to perfect my breeding skills, under tutorship of the great breeder Everisto Eujun. You are Mrs. Eujun, I presume?”

    “Yes, that’s me,” replied Grandma, who seemed somewhat flattered by the presence of such an interesting and beautiful woman. “Everisto is my husband. And this here is our granddaughter, Jessika.”

    “Hi” beamed Jessika at the mention of her name.

    “This is a lovely breeding centre you have here” continued the lady. “I myself adore Pokemon, and it’s wonderful to see you raising them in such good conditions.”

    “What’s all this about?” asked a croaky, yet kindly voice from behind. “And who’s this fine young lady whom I see before me?”

    Everyone turned to see Everisto Eujun hobbling down the path towards them. He was a short, hunched-over figure with thin legs, a scraggly white beard, and a pair of half-moon glasses perched hastily on his long nose, yet he was surprisingly fit considering his shrivelled anatomy.

    Nevertheless, he still shuffled along at the pace of a Magcargo, and lent on a walking stick that looked as if it had been ripped straight from an oak tree. It was his wife who explained everything.

    “She is of a society of breeders who dedicate their lives to rearing endangered grass Pokemon for conservation purposes. She has come here to perfect her breeding skills under your tutorship,” she said.

    “Yes, yes” interrupted the lady. “I hope you don’t mind.”

    “Oh no, of course not!” retorted Everisto. “To be honest, life has been rather dull lately. Ever since I got this awful back-ache.” At this he clutched his spine and winced in agony. “Activities such as breeding have been somewhat prohibited. Having a student will give me something engaging to do without doing anything too physical.”

    “Thank you Mr. Eujun” said the lady. “Before we get started, why don’t we have a little picnic? We could enjoy a bit of light conversation, and maybe get to know each other a little better.”

    “That sounds like a fantastic idea!” commented Grandma cheerfully. “There is a set of tables and chairs under that lovely cherry tree down near the pond, where we sit down and eat lunch if the weather’s fine. We’ll go and sit there. You lot get sat down while I throw together a simple yet scrumptious feast for us all to enjoy.”

    Whilst she trotted off to prepare the picnic, Everisto held the lady’s hand and took her graciously downhill to where the cherry tree grew. Since it was still spring, the tree was heavy with glorious snowy-pink blossom, which was wafting down like confetti, and blanketing the surrounding area with a delicate layer of petals.

    As the lady sat down underneath the tree, it looked as if she herself was a petal settling ever so gently on the furniture.

    “Excuse me lady, but I don’t think I know your name yet” Everisto said, sitting down opposite his guest and brushing away the petals which had landed on the table.

    “My name is Lucy Panpippa, but you may call me Lucy.”

    Jessika was exhausted of subconsciously referring to this pretentious customer as “the Lady”, so it came as a bit of a relief to think of her by her actual name.

    Even so, Lucy’s lack of substantial background irritated Jessika, and she wanted to learn more about this strange woman who had captivated her grandparent’s imagination. She sat down calmly alongside Lucy and her grandpa, hoping to eavesdrop innocently on their conversation.

    “Ah, what a gorgeous name” Everisto was saying. “I have heard of a mighty trainer far south of Johto who goes by the name Lucy. They call her the serpent mistress. All her Pokemon are serpentine, and even her palace is said to be modelled after a great serpent.”

    “Well I can assure you that I don’t train any serpents.”

    It was now that grandma returned, holding a tray of food. The foods featured included a cooked Corpish, a berry salad, and a bottle of lemonade with several glasses to go with it. She set the tray down before the three who were sitting at the table, and individually poured each of them a glass of lemonade.

    “Not to be rude missy, but that is a most curious headdress your wearing” she commented, as the lemonade gushed into Lucy’s glass. “I’m not criticising it or anything, it’s just that I’ve never seen anything like it in my entire life. What is it?”

    At this, Lucy unhooked the headdress from her shoulders, and everyone now saw that an array of fine strings stretched between the two crystalline curves that formed its shape.

    “It’s a harp,” she explained. “One of the most ancient relics known to civilisation. No one knows were it came from or who made it, but I treasure it dearly, and keep it close to me wherever I go.”

    “It certainly is a great instrument” Everisto commented with admiration. “I have always enjoyed harp orchestras, even though my musical talent is regrettably atrocious.”

    “I could perform to you” Lucy suggested. “As bearer of the crystal harp, I have naturally learned how to wield it’s magic.”

    Her fingers began playing across the silvery strings of the harp with eerie dexterity, and a glorious melody like nothing on earth began emanating around the courtyard.

    It soothed the minds of the three people gathered at the table, and seemed almost to dim the sun with its beauty. Jessika’s doubts about Lucy oozed away, as her ears absorbed every detail of the music, and she slumped into the back of her chair; her eyelids drooping.

    Before slumber consumed her, she noticed her grandparents were now snoring contently, and the cruelty in Lucy’s eyes. She struggled desperately to escape the spellbinding lullaby of this odd instrument, but to no avail. By the time Lady Panpippa had left the table, she was fast asleep.
    Last edited by Komedic Konservationist; 28th July 2006 at 11:31 AM.

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  5. #5
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    Well, I like it so far, um I didn't find much wrong with it, but then again I don't always pay attention when I am reading, I want to read, not pay attention to mistakes, you knows?
    Anyway I wonder what will happen next?
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    Quite good. It was a very nice setting, and it all looked peaceful, until it all changed drastically. Quite the twist you've got there. I have my theories, but I'll wait to see the real thing.

    Much better description and slightly improved structure. That's the right amount of description, in my opinion. Keep it like this, and this'll be very good.

    Again, try to make it easier on the reader's eyes. Don't fear the use of parragraphs.

    All in all, this is getting better. Your chapters, albeit short, are substantial. The writing is nice as well. I'll be waiting for the next chapter. Until then!

    Paired with the adorable Avegaille ~ <3

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    I'm just against the idea of eating a Corphish! That made me cringe there, for a second... :p

    I'm liking this. While the lack of paragraphs each time a person speaks gets tiresome on the eyes, it's worth it to read through. The plot, so far, is good. Lots of twists!

    I just had to laugh at your comment on how three pages is long for one chapter. My prologue is seven pages long...and then there's Chibi's fic! O_O

    Still, this is looking good, and I hope you continue. But please. No bashing of Dunsparce and Shuckle! ;-; They are so unloved... Unless the views of the characters aren't your own! =p

    I too have my speculations of the end of chapter two, but I'm keeping them to myself.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hanako Tabris
    Still, this is looking good, and I hope you continue. But please. No bashing of Dunsparce and Shuckle! ;-; They are so unloved... Unless the views of the characters aren't your own! =p
    I love Dunsparce and Shuckle, it's just that they seemed like Pokemon that sort of character would consider icky or disgusting.
    While the lack of paragraphs each time a person speaks gets tiresome on the eyes, it's worth it to read through.
    Paragraphs were never really my strong point, no matter how much I struggle to perfect my usage of them. Hopefuly,Chapter three is paragraphed enough to satisfy my loyal readers.
    Heh, it looks like my fic has suddenly become quite popular overnight. Thanks to everyone for the reviews. Now time for Chapter three!

    Chapter 3: Pink Lady's Deception.

    A tall owl-like Pokemon with broad wings descended upon the sleeping figures, and ignited before them on the table. It observed them with its huge, penetrating, slanted eyes, taking in the situation and calculating how to resolve it.

    After a long pause, it then erupted in a hooting cry. “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”

    At this, Jessika stirred, gave a stifling yawn, and sat up abruptly; remembering the mysterious lady and how she had lulled them to sleep with her crystal harp.
    “Whoa…. A talking Noctowl? Oh dear, this has got to be the strangest day of my entire life!” she murmured in bewilderment.

    “Calm down! Calm down!” hooted the owl. “Do not be alarmed by my mastery of the human tongue. I am a friend to all victims of the crystal harp, and one you will greatly need if you are to overcome its power.”

    Jessika’s shock was ebbing away gradually, as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and looked around. “Victim of the crystal harp?” she asked tentatively. “You mean to say that harp bewitched us into going to sleep? And where did Lucy go to?”
    “With you tricked into slumber through evil means, she no doubt intends to perform vile deeds within the walls yonder” Noctowl replied. “Something your family owns is of great importance to her conspiracy. Though she may claim to be a pious conservationist, I can assure you that her true occupation is far more sinister.”

    “What does she do?” Jessika cried, as the Noctowl spread it’s broad wings and took off into the horizon. “Such matters do not concern someone as young as yourself.” Noctowl hooted. “I must fly now, but beware the pink lady!” As his silhouette disappeared out of sight, his voice faded, and all was quiet.
    Suddenly, Everisto stirred and awoke, looking just as bewildered as Jessika had done a few moments before.

    “What’s going on?” he asked in confusion. “That awful Lucy Panpippa has gone inside while we were asleep,” Jessika explained anxiously. She jumped to her feet, and pulled her grandpa after her hurriedly.

    “Come on, we’ve got to stop her!”

    “But what about Hazel?” Everisto cried, as he was dragged along.

    “She’ll be fine! We need to catch that horrible lady before she finds whatever she’s looking for and runs off with it!”

    They disappeared off into the building, followed as always by Teddiursa. The little bear had been somewhat neglected due to all that was going on, and so it didn’t occur to Jessika that it was still lagging along behind them.

    Nevertheless, it stayed faithfully near it’s trainer; completely unaware of the dangers at hand.
    Jessika and her grandpa had now entered the building, and were looking around the hallway.

    “Where do you think she went?” asked Jessika. “Since she’s probably trying to steal something from us, she is probably looking for something valuable; but what? Do we own anything precious?”

    “The eggs!” wheezed Everisto in horror, and began rushing towards the door to the warehouse as fast as his terrible backache would allow him.
    Into the aisle he dashed, with Jessika almost having trouble to keep up with him.
    “Believe me!” bellowed Everisto. “If that witch steals any of my precious eggs I’ll….”

    He slowed to a halt, and gazed up at a wheeled stepladder used for accessing higher shelves. There, balanced on the top rung, and filing through the top-most row of eggs, was Lady Lucy Panpippa.

    She likewise stopped what she was doing, and spun round in a hurricane of elegant pink silk to confront her antagonists. “Seems as if the wonders of my harp failed to have an impression on you two” she remarked. “No matter.”

    Two Pokeballs slid from her sleeve into her hand, and she tossed them with graceful ease.

    Each opened, and with a flash of light two grass Pokemon had appeared before the ladder on which she stood.

    One was a little blue creature, with soft beady eyes, a dandelion stalk on its head and a cluster of dandelion seeds on each little paw.

    The other was an enormous pitcher plant; with ferocious fangs lining the rim of it’s vase-shaped body and a large hook on the tip of its vine-like tail. “Jumpluff, Victreebel. Would you please dispose of these troublesome insomniacs?”

    “Damn you woman!” shrieked Everisto, brandishing his walking stick like a sword and venturing forth. “I can’t believe I trusted you!” But before he could reach the ladder, Victreebel and Jumpluff closed in on him and attacked.

    Victreebel swung it’s hooked vine-tail fluidly as if it were a dagger, and brought it down on Everisto; who parried the swipe with his walking stick. Victreebel retaliated to this manoeuvre with yet another swift and violent swipe of its tail, and this time, the old man was caught unawares.
    Meanwhile, Jumpluff hopped towards Jessika and released a cloud of microscopic seeds in her direction. Blinded, she stumbled around in annoyance, and tried to swat away the hundreds of seeds blowing in her face.

    It was now that a hideous vase-shaped figure descended upon her from behind, venom oozing from its mouth and dripping onto the floor.
    Jessika screamed, and attempted to flee from the advancing horror; only to trip up and land in a heap. She gazed up in horror, as the cloud of seeds subsided, and the figure became fully visible.

    It was Lucy’s Victreebel, and hanging from its gargantuan lips was a withered arm, still clutching a broken walking stick. “Grandpa!” Jessika shrieked in horror. “Someone help me, please!”

    Victreebel was now so close she could almost smell it’s digestive poisons as they gurgled in anticipation, and as it was about to bring it’s huge fangs on Jessika…

    A high-pitched cry echoed across the warehouse, and down the aisle tottered Teddiursa, it’s little forepaws waving wildly.

    Victreebel ignored Jessika, and turned in bewilderment to face this new foe. But before it could act, Teddiursa reached it, and slashed it repeatedly with passionate ferocity. It gave a wretch of agony, and spewed from within its deep mouth an onrush of toxic saliva.

    From this pool of poison emerged Everisto, who was fortunately still intact. “That thieving cow is a talented trainer and no mistake” he commented, brushing the ooze from his robe. “Well done to Jessika for getting me out of that plant alive.”

    “It wasn’t me, it was Teddi” Jessika explained.
    She pointed over to were Victreebel was writhing furiously and flicking razor-sharp leaves across the room in an attempt to hit the little bear that was still tearing away at it.

    Then it swooned, toppled off balance, and collapsed, it’s poisons seeping out onto the floor and it’s massive tongue lolling grotesquely. Teddiursa fell on its rump, exhausted by the battle. “Yes Teddiursa, you did it” Jessika celebrated joyously, and went to kneel before Teddiursa.

    Her grandpa kneeled alongside her, and stroked the crescent marking on Teddiursa’s head.

    “Well done little bear” he congratulated, and Teddiursa nibbled his finger in return. “With that plant downed by your courageous struggle, we need only to dispose of its mistress.”

    He glanced up at Lucy, who was still positioned atop the stepladder, and was somewhat disturbed by the oddly victorious look on her face.

    “I must say, that’s a most lovable Pokemon you have there” she said. “And from what I have seen, it has potential to be a fine battler once it’s fully tamed. I myself would greatly desire to have it for my own purposes… and I always ensure that I get hold of whatever I desire.”

    Then, she calmly gave an order to her last remaining Pokemon.
    “Jumpluff, use Leech Seed.”

    The puny dandelion skipped cheerfully over to were the Eujuns were gathered, and clapped its fluffy paws together.

    A cluster of seeds blew in Teddiursa’s face, causing it to flop onto it’s back paralysed; the energy sapped from it’s little body.

    Jumpluff then scooped it up (for it had surprising strength for such a diminutive creature) and skipped quickly up the broad rungs of the stepladder to join its mistress.

    “No!” shrieked Jessika, and set off after the kidnapper of her beloved Pokemon. “You can’t do this. I won’t let you turn such an innocent and sweet-hearted Pokemon into a killing machine like your abominable Victreebel!”

    Lucy bounded with her typical grace onto the top of the shelf, and flowed swiftly along it. Jessika likewise did this, and under normal circumstances, she would have caught up with Lucy easily.

    Unfortunately, her balance was poor, and she had to take it steadily to avoid toppling four metres into the aisle below.
    Lucy then leapt up onto an overhead rafter, and swiftly peeled away a board; exposing a hole in the roof. Into this she clambered. Jessika likewise hauled herself onto a rafter, but for her it was extremely difficult.

    She was a vertigo victim, with limited agility, and had to wrap her legs awkwardly around the beam and seize one of the support struts that held up the pitched roof in order to secure herself a balanced position on the beam.
    She then made a quick, blind, desperate grapple at the hole Lucy had made, and managed successfully to emerge through it and onto the tiled hill of the breeding centre’s roof.

    She kneeled there for a few moments, breathing heavily, and with tears of anxiety and desperation streaming down her face.

    For such a warm, peaceful morning, she was surprised by how violent the wind was, and how it drummed ferociously like a huge berry blender above her head.
    It seemed to be getting louder as well, as if the wind was a herd of rampaging Tauros advancing to engulf her.

    She looked up at the tower of the breeding centre, on top of which rattled a loose weathervane, and higher up still. It was now that a shadow descended over her, for high up in the air, getting closer and closer every second, was a house.

    This was no ordinary house, however. On its underside was a vast propeller, and above it billowed a parachute-like sail that the builder (who Jessika suspected was Lucy Panpippa) had adapted as some sort of steering device.

    There was a faint flopping noise, dwarfed by that of the propeller, as a rope ladder was cast from a small gantry at the house’s rear and it unfolded to dangle over the tip of the breeding centre.
    Lucy was rushing towards the ladder, and with a graceful bound like a Rapidash clearing a racecourse obstacle, she seized its flexible rungs and began climbing.

    Jumpluff was perched on her shoulder like a Perappu, and holding the paralyzed Teddiursa; who was reaching desperately towards Jessika with its little paws, and weeping in fright. “Lucy, please!” cried Jessika. “Give me back my Teddiursa!”

    She broke into a run; only to slip on the rough curves of the tiles and plunge off the building. With a terrified wail, she seized the gutter, and was left dangling there; watching hopelessly as the flying house, with her precious Teddiursa already in the clutches of its evil occupant, began to hover off towards the north-eastern mountains beyond Johto.

    “My visit here has been rather awkward because of you” said Lucy. “Now that it is over, the operation I have long anticipated will finally be possible. Do not attempt to go looking for me, hoping to reclaim your Teddiursa. It is mine now, and before long, the whole of Johto will be too. Farewell!”
    Up and away the odd house drifted, until it had all but vanished.

    “Curse you” sobbed Jessika, distraught. “No matter what you say, I shall have my Teddi back.”

    And with these words, the gutter onto which she clung broke away from the building, and she fell into the flowerbeds far below.
    Last edited by Komedic Konservationist; 10th May 2006 at 5:44 PM.

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  9. #9
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    Very good, imaginative and intense. The twist was quite unsettling, and I wonder what does Lucy want.

    Excellent use of metaphors as well. That's something I must point out.

    Now... you just blew it in structure. Badly. That was awfully hard to read. Joint text is no good at all. Especially in Fics. Try to use double parragraphs. They'll make it MUCH easier on us the readers. As it stands, that can be the reason behind no one reviewing so far. Please fix that. Now.

    Oh well. It was good. Very good. Until next chapter!

    Paired with the adorable Avegaille ~ <3

  10. #10
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    Poor Teddi! Evil Lucy, stealing another's Pokémon like that. *shakes fist*

    Just a few odd things

    ignited before them on the table. It observed them with its huge, penetrating, slanted eyes, taking in the situation and calculating how to resolve it.
    I don't know why, but it seems to me like the Noctowl spontaneously combusted. You did say ignited.

    From this pool of poison emerged Everisto, who was fortunately still intact. “That thieving cow is a talented trainer and no mistake” he commented, brushing the ooze from his robe. “Well done to Jessika for getting me out of that plant alive.”
    All of Everisto's dialogue here seems stiff. Couldn't he just say "Thank you" to Jessika? It might just be in his character to talk that formally. If it is, then I'll shut up now.

    It's the same thing with Jessika. I don't know of a lot if teenagers that talk formally. Like when she wakes up to find the talking Noctowl
    “Whoa…. A talking Noctowl? Oh dear, this has got to be the strangest day of my entire life!” she murmured in bewilderment.
    "Oh dear" just doesn't do waking up from a harp-induced sleep and finding a talking Pokémon justice.

    That's really my only problem with this. But if that's just the way the characters talk to you, it's fine. *Orion* pointed out your spacing problems. Just keep working at it and you'll get better.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hanako Tabris
    It's the same thing with Jessika. I don't know of a lot if teenagers that talk formally. Like when she wakes up to find the talking Noctowl "Oh dear" just doesn't do waking up from a harp-induced sleep and finding a talking Pokémon justice.
    Jessika is a very formal and somewhat square character, alot like Hermione Granger. So I delibarately depicted her that way in order to stay in tune with her personnality. Mind you, it does seem rather odd.
    Now... you just blew it in structure. Badly. That was awfully hard to read. Joint text is no good at all. Especially in Fics. Try to use double parragraphs. They'll make it MUCH easier on us the readers. As it stands, that can be the reason behind no one reviewing so far. Please fix that. Now.
    Sorry about that >__> I'm used to writing on paper, you see, meaning that even after I've gotten used to using normal paragraphing, I then have to get adapted to using spaces between paragraphs when typing. I have edited paragraphs into my last chapter, as you can see, and this upcoming chapter has been especially paragraphed at your request. Hopefuly the poor spacing of the first three chapters hasn't been enough to permentantly marr this fic's reputation.

    ---------------------

    Chapter four: Braving the snowstorm.

    Teddiursa opened his watery eyes, having sensed that his terrifying ordeal on the rope ladder had ended, and gazed around.

    He was slumped on the gantry, from which the rope ladder had dangled. All around drifted puffy great clouds, and beyond them were silhouetted the hills amongst which the breeding centre nestled.

    Bewildered by his location, and devastated by his violent separation from Jessika, he stumbled to his little feet and waddled anxiously across the gantry to a wide door at the far end, hoping it might somehow lead him back home.

    It was only now that he realized he was not alone, for in this doorway stood a stout and rather unpleasant-looking individual with extremely thin limbs and a droopy, stubble-encrusted face.
    Almost his entire body was obscured by a vast poncho, so that only his ungainly iron-capped boots and ugly head were visible, and he spoke in a deep, husky Irish accent.

    “Ah, you must be the little Pokemon my wonderful mistress claimed to have captured back at the breeding centre. It seems as if you and your trainer were tough nuts to crack, even for someone as glorious as Lady Panpippa. But now that you’re in our possession, I get the feeling you’ll serve as a brilliant battler under her influence.”

    Teddiursa bawled defiantly, and attempted to escape; but his little legs failed him.

    The hideous Irishman scooped him up, and carried him off into the belly of the beast; the inner workings of the great house itself.

    Everywhere he looked, there were large cogs and gears that ground fiercely together and spun the gigantic propeller underneath the floor.

    All of these were centred around a boiler, whose metal chimneys were so tall they poked through the ceiling, and extended out through the house’s flat roof.

    Teddiursa was so terrified by the excruciatingly loud noises and grinding machinery he was choking on almost every breath, and his eyes were swimming with delirious tears that stung him so much he felt like jumping from the gantry.

    And yet he could not so much as put up a reasonable struggle against the abominable human that was escorting him through this mechanical nightmare, for this fear was numbing him to the very core.

    “Bellsprout and Hoppip were like this when we first took them onboard six months ago” explained the man.

    “The smoke had a particularly bad effect on them, them being grass types and all. We thought they would shrivel up completely and die before they could be used, the situation was so ugly. Luckily, they pulled through, and you will too. Mark my words.”

    He came to a huge case, knitted from rugged bamboo and stood underneath a wide porthole, flung open the lid, and tossed Teddiursa inside as if he were but an item of clothing.

    He rolled upright inside the case, and sat there gazing vacantly up into the rafters. Then the lid slammed shut, and all was quite.

    “Hello little bear!” sang a painfully optimistic and cheerful voice which sounded somewhat familiar.

    Teddiursa saw the outline of the Jumpluff which had helped take him captive hop towards him through the semi-darkness of the case.

    “This is a lovely place isn’t it? Me and Viccers are always delighted to have sweet new friends.”

    “Grrrrr” growled a low voice, as deep as the mouth from which it emanated. Jumpluff’s fighting companion, Victreebel, was lying awkwardly inside the case and almost filling it completely.

    “This is an unpleasant enough dungeon as it is without some rank little Pokemon taking up space. And why does it have to be that irritating Teddiursa? Why couldn’t it have just been left at that breeding centre, while we sailed off into the next chapter of out wretched lives? Not to say that things would be any less horrible if it wasn’t accompanying us, of course. In fact, things would be just as awful if we hadn’t even been taken away from that garden, because I’d just carry on being picked on by that Ivysaur and I would never be happy. After all this, I’m starting to believe that happiness doesn’t exist at all, and that it is just an illusion created by the optimistic.”

    “Do excuse my dear partner” giggled Jumpluff. “He is always expecting the worst in everything. I, on the other hand, understand that there is good in all things, and that we should just let destiny take us wherever it takes us, because no matter were we go, we shall always find happiness somewhere or other.”

    It was now that Teddi spoke, and it was in a tender, high-pitched, and very inquisitive voice. “Where are we?” he asked softly.

    The vocabulary of a Pokemon develops a lot faster than that of a human, so Teddiursa could speak the Pokemon language quite fluidly; even though he was barely a week old. However, since he was still learning about the world, he communicated through asking questions as opposed to conversing in the same way as fully matured Pokemon do.

    “How can I go home to Jessika? And who are these horrible humans who have captured us?”

    “Horrible?” cried Jumpluff in alarm. “How can you call such kind and wonderful people horrible?”

    “Because that’s what they are” retorted Victreebel in a disgusted voice.

    “They ripped us away from our homes and families abruptly, force us to engage in painful, bloody battles, keep us in cramped, heated, noisy conditions, and worst of all, they starve us. It’s despicable I tell you!”

    Jumpluff answered with typical optimism. “They offered us a promising career, take us on thrilling adventures throughout Johto, allow us to partake in an exciting sport, and maintain a flexible diet for us that is good for our health. Trust me little bear, you will love this fantastic adventure. It is going to be such fun, just like it was for me!”

    “But who are these humans?” Teddiursa asked again, this time sounding very frustrated. This time, it was Victreebel who replied.

    “I do not know were they come from or what their goal is, but one thing is for sure. They are terrible people, even crueller than life itself, and bound by lust for a mysterious treasure only they know about. Ever since they took us onboard, they have scoured Johto trying to research this treasure and eventually locate it.”

    “That is nonsense!” squealed Jumpluff.
    “Our guardians are glorious people who we are thankful to for all these wonderful experiences! What they are looking for is undoubtedly something lovely that will be beneficial to us all.”

    But Teddiursa was not listening to the optimist and the pessimist bickering. He was gazing through the widely spaced bamboo knots that formed the case, and at a sloppy staircase constructed from planks that led to the upper stories.

    For descending this was the bearer of the crystal harp; none other than Lady Panpippa herself.

    “I trust you have dealt with my new Teddiursa adequately, Yhiffle” she said to the ugly pilot, who currently stood adjusting the boiler.

    Teddiursa now saw the egg she had stolen from the breeding centre, clasped in her elegant hands. It resembled an enormous pearl, that glittered with every colour of the rainbow.

    Yhiffle took off his cap and bowed with as much grace as his corpulent, gangly-limbed anatomy and baggy garment would allow.

    “Yes m’lady” he replied calmly.
    “He must still be exhausted from whatever went on back there, because it didn’t make any attempt to bite or scratch me whatsoever. Have you managed to unlock the Ovipuzzle yet?”

    “Even with the old blueprints, it is devilishly difficult to decipher” Lucy answered.

    “Everisto Eujun clearer took great effort in designing it. But once I have opened it and obtained the contents within, all that effort will be for naught.”

    She giggled sweetly…. Only for her giggling session to be interrupted suddenly as the entire structure was thrown sharply to one side, and then dropped suddenly as if it were tobogganing through the air.

    The door to the gantry was ripped from its hinges in a ferocious gust of wind, and a blizzard engulfed the deck with snow. Countless charts, Yhiffle’s tool cabinet, and the fuel rack for the boiler were all dragged out simultaneously through the gaping door hole like a flock of hideous birds.

    Yhiffle clambered up onto a pulpit in the midst of this maelstrom, and began flicking madly through a series of long, ivory-handled levers in a desperate, last ditch attempt to regain altitude.

    “The old girl has gotten caught up in a horrendous blizzard!” he bellowed. “Even if I am able to stall our plummet, the house will never make it fully intact. We have to abandon it!”

    “This is a catastrophe” shrieked Lucy, as the intense pull of the wind buffeted her.

    “With our vehicle destroyed, it might take us months to traverse the Snowstack Range!”
    It was now that the bamboo case was ripped from its foundations, with the Pokemon still inside, and hurtled off towards the raging blizzard outside.

    Teddiursa clung onto it from the inside, paralysed with absolute terror like you could not imagine. He was so frightened, he barely heard the scared wails of his neighbours as they watched their approaching doom grow ever closer.

    Not even the constantly cheerful Jumpluff was remotely enjoying this experience. Then, the case shot into the blizzard beyond like a rocket.

    “No! Not our Pokemon!” roared Yhiffle, and in this moment of horror he accidentally let go of the levers and was sent tumbling the same way as his captives. At this second, Lucy likewise lost her balance, and fell away from the airborne wreck.

    Far below, Teddiursa looked up from the still-falling case, and saw the house was being shredded of it’s exterior; leaving only a metal frame tangled up with the remains of the sail system.

    Then a particularly vast gust of snow obscured its plummeting carcass, and with a titanic crash, the consciousness fled from Teddiursa’s head, and he knew no more.

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  12. #12
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    Now that you spaced out your paragraphs, your fic is easier to read! It's better!

    Also, thanks for answering my questions on the dialogue. And on the topic of your dialogue, just remember to have punctuation before the ending quotation marks.

    And now to wait to see if the Pokémon can survive the storm.

  13. #13
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    I can tell you have a lot of potential as a writer. You are very talented with words and descriptions, and your characters are good if not a bit exagerrated. I do however have a few suggestions to help you improve.

    If your writing dialouge, you need to seperate it a bit better at times so its clearer. An example would be

    "Why did they take me here?" inquired Teddiursa desperately.

    "The pink lady works in mysterious ways, and all I know is that she is after a treasure far greater and more powerful then herself" answered Victreebell cryptically.

    Also, smooth transitions seem to be an issue, particularly early in the story. It seemed like at one moment Lucy was wonderful and the next she was evil and dangerous. You should have made her character slowly start showing her true nature by there being glimpses of it throughout the story that grow stronger and more frequent. It would be even better if only Jessika noticed it because her grandparents were so enamored. It works far better and more intriguingly that way.

    Anyway, you have a lot of natrual talent and your story is very interesting, so keep it up
    Quote Originally Posted by Cenobitic View Post
    I thought you were straight, Kreis.

  14. #14
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    Alright, you've waited long enough for your review from me, so here we go! *rolls up sleeves*

    Characters/Pokemon

    Jessika Eujun: The main character of this fiction is quite a formal young lady, which makes me wonder how she got that way. Was it something in her upbringing? Oh well, she does seem fairly well-developed, and her inevitable journey to reclaim Teddi should prove to be an interesting read.
    Hazel Eujun: She seems to share at least a few of her daughter's likes and dislikes, but unfortunately she is too easily flattered. However, she seems to be quite kind and caring, and overall she's a great character.
    Teddi: Poor little bear... getting kidnapped from the person you most care about must be absolutely horrible. Even so, she seems to be very courageous, and this bravery will likely decide a major part of her decisions. Very good character, once again!
    Everisto Eujun: Like his wife, he is rather easily flattered. He is quite knowledgeable, though, and he is incredibly protective of his eggs. But I do have to wonder if either he or his wife have any Pokemon themselves... another good character, by the way!
    Lucy Panpippa: Hmph. I really dislike this lady, and if I could skip her part of the review, I would. This means she's a very good villain, though, so don't worry. She's got her own brand of evil, and with the power of the crystal harp, she seems to be extremely difficult to stop. Not to mention that her Pokemon are well-trained and she's incredibly beautiful. And to top it all off, she wants to rule Johto. Great villain!
    Noctowl: Hmmm... this Pokemon sounds like some kind of oracle, or maybe a Pokemon that works against whatever Lady Panpippa is trying to do. We really didn't see much of him, either, so I'll reserve judgement for now...
    Jumpluff: Ah, the continuing optimist and the eternal pessimist. The optimist seems to be just a little too optimistic, but put together with Victreebell the pessimist, it's the perfect combination for humor. I like the placement, and it's a good character so far!
    Victreebell: ...And here we have the one who always looks to the worst of things. As with Jumpluff (except in the exact opposite way), it seems to be almost too pessimistic, but it shares the most of my own viewpoints on the lady and her manservant. Oh well, great character again!
    Yhiffle: We don't have much on him yet, but he seems to be the faithful "dog" for Ms. Panpippa. Yet, despite this and his extreme ugliness, he really seems to care for the Pokemon, if his last line means anything. I'll wait for further development on his part before judging, though.


    Plot

    The plot is indeed interesting. Breeder fictions aren't the most common thing, and I like the extras you've added, with the crystal harp (any connection to the crystal bells at the top of Ho-Oh's tower?) and the megalomaniac pretty lady. I can see a dual journey coming out of this, though, Teddi to find Jessika and Jessika to find Teddi. Which is another thing we don't see very often... Well, anyway, great originality in the plot, it has me interested. Wonder if the Pokemon will survive... Good job!


    Grammar

    Now this is where you need some work. I noticed in some of the previous Chapters that your characters' speech landed in the smae paragraph. This is annoying, since it makes it quite difficult to keep track of who's saying what. Then, you sometimes do exactly the opposite, and make what a character says take more than one paragraph. For example:
    Quote Originally Posted by Chapter 4: Braving the Snowstorm
    “Bellsprout and Hoppip were like this when we first took them onboard six months ago” explained the man.

    “The smoke had a particularly bad effect on them, them being grass types and all. We thought they would shrivel up completely and die before they could be used, the situation was so ugly. Luckily, they pulled through, and you will too. Mark my words.”
    Should be:
    “Bellsprout and Hoppip were like this when we first took them onboard six months ago,” explained the man. “The smoke had a particularly bad effect on them, them being grass types and all. We thought they would shrivel up completely and die before they could be used, the situation was so ugly. Luckily, they pulled through, and you will too. Mark my words.”
    Basically, work on your paragraphs a little. Start a new paragraph only when the topic of the paragraph changes, or when a second character is going to speak. Overall, I'd recommend that you visit the "Advice for Aspiring Authors" thread, and read what's there about paragraphs. Just a little friendly advice...


    Summary

    Overall, your story is very good, and with a little work on the grammar, it will be excellent. Good job!


    Until we meet again...
    The Legacy Continues

    A story of events in the world of Pokémon, long after Ash Ketchum has retired from the scene. His young child, determined to surpass even her father's incredible achievements, has a long and fantastic journey ahead of her... even as forces greater than any known before conspire to arrange their own ends behind the scenes.

    Returning soon, revised and infinitely better than the original.


  15. #15
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    Sorry to all my readers for taking so long to post Chapter Five, but I have been extremely tired lately. Luckily, half-term is beggining next week, and then I will have plenty of time to be writing. I am also working on some rough sketches of Lucy Panpippa, the flying house, and Mount Trident, so expect me to post them as well some time soon.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Pokemon Master
    Grammar

    Now this is where you need some work. I noticed in some of the previous Chapters that your characters' speech landed in the smae paragraph. This is annoying, since it makes it quite difficult to keep track of who's saying what. Then, you sometimes do exactly the opposite, and make what a character says take more than one paragraph. For example:
    Should be:


    Basically, work on your paragraphs a little. Start a new paragraph only when the topic of the paragraph changes, or when a second character is going to speak. Overall, I'd recommend that you visit the "Advice for Aspiring Authors" thread, and read what's there about paragraphs. Just a little friendly advice...
    I have taken this advice onboard, and hopefuly in Chapter Five I will finally have gotten the paragraphing completely sublime. Thanks for the detailed review btw.

    ----------------

    Chapter 5: Oracle Nightfeather.

    Teddiursa shuddered fitfully in his sleep, the cold biting at his paws and dreams of the terrifying ride through the blizzard’s heart gnawing at his mind.

    With a delirious yawn, he blinked the frost away from his eyes and was able to properly survey his surroundings.

    He was curled up atop a heavily snow-laden hill, that rose up in a series of vast, undulating downs. Beyond these downs towered four absolutely massive glaciers, each one rugged and glittering with snow, and above all this was an even bigger formation, that appeared to be an icy mountain with three vast peaks.

    But what was most spectacular of all was the dazzling array of rainbow-coloured lights that filled the starlit sky and reflected off the glaciers and between the mountain’s three immense peaks.

    Teddiursa was entranced by the glory and mystique of this spectacle; only for him to be interrupted by a faint grunting sound that was getting steadily louder and louder.

    He twisted his large head to look backwards, and saw approaching him through the snow a herd of extremely hairy boars.

    Their fur coats were so long they obscured their eyes and hung down past their knees, giving the impression of walking haystacks. Teddiursa was somewhat bewildered by them, yet hoped they would be able to help him make it back to Jessika, and was about to set off towards them when he noticed they had spotted him already.

    They were now upon him, and a faintly disgusting stench was wafting up his nostrils as the herd’s ranks split up and surrounded him in a rough circle. The largest shuffled forward through the ranks of snorting, skittish beasts, and sniffed at Teddiursa with his fleshy snout.

    “No, sorry lads” he announced in a very deep, very gruff voice. “He is alike to Minupiggu, yet his stench is that of a human-kept Pokemon.”

    There were grunts of disappointment, and Teddiursa heard a strangled sob coming from one of the females.

    “This is hopeless” she wept. “Now my little piglet will never be found.”

    “There, there” said the lead male comfortingly, and he trotted over to nuzzle her fondly. “The search shall go on, no matter how difficult it is. Minupiggu is very precious to our herd, and we shall migrate all the way to Kanto if that’s what we must do in order to find him.”

    “But what of that poor little creature we thought was Minupiggu?” the female replied through her sobs. “Oh, he looks so helpless stranded there in the snow without any family. I could never forgive myself if we travelled on and left him there to freeze.”

    “You need not be bothered by him” snorted the male incredulously. “He’s just a human-kept Pokemon, without any value to us Piloswine. Trust me Inomoo, he’ll just weigh us down.”

    “I DON’T TRUST YOU!” bellowed Inomoo angrily, and with this she charged into the male and flung him aside into the snow. The other Piloswine shuffled aside rapidly in alarm, their beady eyes fixated on the infuriated female. “IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU MINUPIGGU GOT LOST IN THE FIRST PLACE! YOU BULLIED HIM RUTHLESSLY, YOU CAUSED HIM TO BECOME UPSET AND RUN AWAY! I SHALL NOT LET ANOTHER POOR CREATURE PERISH BECAUSE OF YOUR SPITEFUL ELITISM!”

    She rampaged forward, and would probably have gouged apart the male to within an inch of his life if he hadn’t rolled clumsily back upright and darted out of her way.

    “It is you who is elitist” he grunted menacingly. “As herd-leader, it’s me who decides what our priorities are, not some arrogant cow who obsesses over the welfare of an unimportant….”

    Before he could finish his sentence, a hooting cry echoed from above, and all the Piloswine swivelled their beady eyes to gaze upwards. Swooping majestically from within the vivid depths of the aurora was a very tall owl with broad chestnut wings and forked tufts over it’s huge, slanting eyes, and Teddiursa recognised it instantly.

    “Stop your bickering, pigs of the icy realm!” hooted Noctowl. “I bear tidings regarding the loss of he you call Minupiggu, and the vile force behind it.”

    “Oracle Nightfeather, thank goodness you’re here” said the lead male. “What have you learnt of our Minupiggu’s whereabouts?”

    Noctowl replied as calm and mysterious as ever, and possibly even more so in the light of the strange display. “Last night, a cruel human descended upon here from within a raging blizzard and took away your Swinub as he mourned the spite of his vehement father. She no doubt plans to wield him as a weapon in her foul conspiracies, for the Pokemon she once had were whisked into unknown regions during the snowstorm that brought her henceforth.”

    A collective gasp rippled through the herd, and Inomoo erupted into sobs yet again. Teddiursa was surprised to see that even the brutish male was weeping quietly.

    “It’s true!” he sniffled. “Everything Inomoo said it true! It was me who caused Minupiggu to run off, and now it seems he has gotten carried off by a horrible human, to be turned into a killing machine.”

    “Cease your weepings, for if you follow the aurora unto the second peak of Mount Trident, you may find the human, defeat her, and reclaim what she took from you. Yet I fear that is unlikely, given her subtle nature. She stirs up trouble with every step she takes, yet avoids it with majestic ease. She goes by the name...”

    “Lucy Panpippa” finished Teddiursa, and everyone spun to watch him waddle forth towards Nightfeather’s perch. “She took me away from Jessika, the same way she took Mynapiggy away from you Piddlewine.”

    “It’s M-I-N-U-P-I-G-G-U” growled the lead male. “And we are called P-I-L-O-S-W-I-N-E, not Piddlewine.”

    “Ah, young Teddiursa” hooted Oracle Nightfeather in a somewhat surprised voice. “It is most miraculous how you evaded the wrath of the blizzard, whereas your companions Victreebel and Jumpluff apparently did not. Tell me, did you learn anything of what the so-called Lucy stole from your breeding centre last night.”

    “She and her pilot said it was an ‘ogrepunnel’” Teddiursa replied, his pronunciation of unfamiliar words as muddled as ever. “She said Everisto made it, and that she was trying to open it and get at whatever was inside.”

    “Most interesting” muttered Nightfeather under his breath. “Most interesting indeed. Stay close to the Piloswine!” he proceeded to call out, as he spread his wings and began to take flight. “They shall guide you through the glaciers of Mount Trident, and protect you from the perils that are too come. You cannot survive without them, Teddiursa!”

    And with that, he vanished into the aurora once more. “Looks like your staying with us” grunted the lead male begrudgingly. “It is too foolhardy to turn down the advice of Oracle Nightfeather.”

    “Do you know that Nickletowl?” asked Teddiursa.

    “He is a great friend to Pokemon who seek his council” Piloswine replied. “It is because of his unbound wisdom that my herd has endured the most bitter of winters. Legend says he is an ancient shaman in the woods that lie far beyond the aurora, but only those who live in those woods know if that is true.”

    “What?” questioned Teddiursa, thrilled, bemused, and frightened by the unfathomable mystique of his situation.

    “The aurora is the light phenomena that blazes throughout the night sky. It is believed that far beyond its spellbinding rays can be found the long-lost treasures of Johto’s legacy, and perhaps even the secret of life itself. Only Oracle Nightfeather is aware of what really lies far on the other side of Mount Trident, and he will not reveal those secrets to even his most persistent interrogators.”

    It was now that Inomoo trotted over, her eyes drying beneath the thick fur, and hoisted Teddiursa onto her enormous, hairy back. “I’ll protect you little one” she sniffled. “You will be warm and safe curled up in my fur. Just don’t do anything to endanger yourself, because I could never live with myself if I let you become lost as well.”

    She was then interrupted by the gruff, brutal, yet oddly warm-hearted voice of her mate, who had just taken position at the front of the herd. “In order to find Minupiggu, we must venture up through the glaciers at the foot of Mount Trident. As you all know, the glaciers are mountainous in themselves, and riddled with abysses. They are also very prone to breaking up, so be immensely careful with every step you take. Remain with me, and I will try and ensure that you do not come to any harm. Let our ascent begin!”

    And with this, the herd began trotting ominously forth, up across the steadily undulating snow downs, getting higher and higher with each frosty curve. Teddiursa watched the glacial foothills growing closer and closer, and now saw that the lead male had not been exaggerating when he said that they were mountainous in themselves. If anything, it was more of an understatement.

    They were utterly colossal; arrayed out in several layers and of various heights, they towered above the vast snowy downs, and gave the impression of a gargantuan ice-castle, with the mountainous keep protected within a thickly fortified wall.

    Teddiursa’s huge watery eyes flicked in awe over the spectacle, examining every one of the rugged, opalescent glaciers in detail, and wondering how they could possibly scale a formation of such magnitude.

    Suddenly, his gaze fell upon an elegant silhouette leaping graciously across the immense glacial structures as if they where stepping stones, or an immense icy staircase with gaps between each step.

    Its form was outlined by the dominant light of the aurora, so that Teddiursa could not properly make out what it looked like. All he could tell was that it was an extremely slender quadruped, with a flowing mane and two ribbon-like tails that billowed behind it in the mountainous breeze.

    It looked strangely familiar to Teddiursa, although he had absolutely no idea why, because he had never seen anything like it whatsoever. But before he could proceed to comprehend the wonders of this strange, mystical being, it had vanished back into the depths of the aurora.

    “Does anything live up that mountain?” he asked his furry steed.

    “Only Delibirds” Inomoo replied. “They are dumpy red birds, with immense sacks instead of tails. They use these sacks to carry food up to their chicks, but if disturbed by predators, they will throw food at them. Nevertheless, they’re extremely weak, so don’t be afraid little one. You’ll be perfectly alright, I promise you.”

    It was now that the herd trotted docilely in-between two relatively small glaciers, and came to the slope of a much larger, much more rugged glacier. It was now that they gathered haltingly at the foot of this glacier, and Teddiursa understood why. They where about to begin the ascent.....
    Last edited by Komedic Konservationist; 1st June 2006 at 11:47 AM.

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  16. #16
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    You're welcome! And if you want another detailed review like that, let me know. I generally won't do another one of those beyond the first, it just gets difficult. Anyway, this Chapter was interesting... Nightfeather's return wasn't expected, but I'm glad he helped Teddiursa out. Hmmm... I have to ask, though. In the last Chapter, you said that Teddiursa could already speak the Pokemon language fluidly, but in this Chapter she's struggling with various words. Just seems a little odd, that's all... I like the Piloswine herd, though, and I'm wondering about Lucy Panpippa. She obviously survived the fall; does she still have the Ovipuzzle, or did she lose it as she fell? I'll be waiting for the next Chapter, this is quite interesting indeed!

    On another topic, your paragraphing has improved considerably. You did a great job of getting all the characters' speech in their separate paragraphs. However, there's still a couple of things you could do to improve, most dealing with adding a new paragraph when it isn't necessary. For example:
    Quote Originally Posted by Chapter 5: Oracle Nightfeather
    Teddiursa shuddered fitfully in his sleep, the cold biting at his paws and dreams of the terrifying ride through the blizzard’s heart gnawing at his mind.

    With a delirious yawn, he blinked the frost away from his eyes and was able to properly survey his surroundings.

    He was curled up atop a heavily snow-laden hill, that rose up in a series of vast, undulating downs. Beyond these downs towered four absolutely massive glaciers, each one rugged and glittering with snow, and above all this was an even bigger formation, that appeared to be an icy mountain with three vast peaks.

    But what was most spectacular of all was the dazzling array of rainbow-coloured lights that filled the starlit sky and reflected off the glaciers and between the mountain’s three immense peaks.

    Teddiursa was entranced by the glory and mystique of this spectacle; only for him to be interrupted by a faint grunting sound that was getting steadily louder and louder.

    He twisted his large head to look backwards, and saw approaching him through the snow a herd of extremely hairy boars.

    Their fur coats were so long they obscured their eyes and hung down past their knees, giving the impression of walking haystacks. Teddiursa was somewhat bewildered by them, yet hoped they would be able to help him make it back to Jessika, and was about to set off towards them when he noticed they had spotted him already.

    They were now upon him, and a faintly disgusting stench was wafting up his nostrils as the herd’s ranks split up and surrounded him in a rough circle. The largest shuffled forward through the ranks of snorting, skittish beasts, and sniffed at Teddiursa with his fleshy snout.
    Could easily be made into a few paragraphs, like this:
    Teddiursa shuddered fitfully in his sleep, the cold biting at his paws and dreams of the terrifying ride through the blizzard’s heart gnawing at his mind. With a delirious yawn, he blinked the frost away from his eyes and was able to properly survey his surroundings.

    He was curled up atop a heavily snow-laden hill, that rose up in a series of vast, undulating downs. Beyond these downs towered four absolutely massive glaciers, each one rugged and glittering with snow, and above all this was an even bigger formation, that appeared to be an icy mountain with three vast peaks. But what was most spectacular of all was the dazzling array of rainbow-coloured lights that filled the starlit sky and reflected off the glaciers and between the mountain’s three immense peaks. Teddiursa was entranced by the glory and mystique of this spectacle; only for him to be interrupted by a faint grunting sound that was getting steadily louder and louder. He twisted his large head to look backwards, and saw approaching him through the snow a herd of extremely hairy boars.

    Their fur coats were so long they obscured their eyes and hung down past their knees, giving the impression of walking haystacks. Teddiursa was somewhat bewildered by them, yet hoped they would be able to help him make it back to Jessika, and was about to set off towards them when he noticed they had spotted him already. They were now upon him, and a faintly disgusting stench was wafting up his nostrils as the herd’s ranks split up and surrounded him in a rough circle. The largest shuffled forward through the ranks of snorting, skittish beasts, and sniffed at Teddiursa with his fleshy snout.
    Basically, you improved quite a bit, just don't create too many paragraphs. One-sentence paragraphs really shouldn't be in a story, unless it's dialogue between characters. But overall, good job!

    Until we meet again...
    The Legacy Continues

    A story of events in the world of Pokémon, long after Ash Ketchum has retired from the scene. His young child, determined to surpass even her father's incredible achievements, has a long and fantastic journey ahead of her... even as forces greater than any known before conspire to arrange their own ends behind the scenes.

    Returning soon, revised and infinitely better than the original.


  17. #17
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    This was interesting. The walking through the snowy mountains reminded me of LotR.

    There's just something...odd...about one character's dialogue.

    “This is hopeless” she was weeping. “Now my little runt will never be found.”
    Well, first of all, it should really be:

    "This is hopeless." She was weeping. "Now my little runt will never be found."
    But, the main problem with it is the fact that, to me, "runt" is a derogatory term. It's not something that mothers call their children normally. It would just sound better if "runt" was "baby."

    I didn't want ot turn this into a grammar debate, so I just added it to this post.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Pokemon Master
    Actually, I think I see what Kodemic Konservationist was trying to do, which would make it:


    Quote:
    "This is hopeless," She was weeping. "Now my little runt will never be found."
    Commas are always used instead of periods in a situation like that. Period. Though I do agree, the "runt" thing was awkward... Oh well.


    Until we meet again...
    I believe that you are wrong there. "She was weeping" is not a dialogue tag. It's a description. To make it a dialogue tag, it would have to be "she wept." The it would be:

    This is hopeless," she wept.
    "'This is hopless,' she was weeping." isn't grammatically correct. It also doesn't sound natural if read out-loud.

    That's really it. Keep it up! *salute*
    Last edited by Astinus; 23rd May 2006 at 6:10 AM.

  18. #18
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    Actually, I think I see what Kodemic Konservationist was trying to do, which would make it:

    "This is hopeless," She was weeping. "Now my little runt will never be found."
    Commas are always used instead of periods in a situation like that. Period. Though I do agree, the "runt" thing was awkward... Oh well.


    Until we meet again...
    The Legacy Continues

    A story of events in the world of Pokémon, long after Ash Ketchum has retired from the scene. His young child, determined to surpass even her father's incredible achievements, has a long and fantastic journey ahead of her... even as forces greater than any known before conspire to arrange their own ends behind the scenes.

    Returning soon, revised and infinitely better than the original.


  19. #19
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    Like The Pokemon Master said, overally a very nice fic.

    Just wanted to point out a small mistake:
    “Everisto Eujun clearer took great effort in designing it. But once I have opened it and obtained the contents within, all that effort will be for naught.”
    Shouldn't it be "clearly"?

    Other than that, I can't find anything else to gripe about, other than the too-often-mentioned paragraphing in the earlier chapters. Sorry to hear about your tiredness; If I were you, I would devote a day entirely to sleep... Hopefully the next chapter will be out by the weekend!

  20. #20
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    Very nice, my friend. This twist was certainly unexpected. I liked the emphasis on the personality of each Pokémon, and the current setting. I'm expecting great things, and I also wonder what happened to Lucy and co.

    Not much else to say. I'm no big on grammar, and your description has improved quite a bit. I know others can help in those issues. I've spent all my knowledge in such regards, to be honest.

    Either way, I'm loving the plot a whole lot. I just hope Jumpluff and Victreebel are OK. I liked them a lot for them just to leave like that. Will be waiting for more. Keep it up!

    Paired with the adorable Avegaille ~ <3

  21. #21
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    Hmm... I'm kinda busy now and only up to Chapter 3, so I'll try my best!

    Some lovely descriptions here- like the part when that... Lady Lucy person turned around- I really like how you described the movement of her dress like a hurricane- connections to nature are usually easy to imagine and well used.

    Victreebel was now so close she could almost smell it’s digestive poisons as they gurgled in anticipation, and as it was about to bring it’s huge fangs on Jessika…
    The apostrophe inbetween the two "it's" is unneccessary. When using it to show possession, leave the apostrophe out, otherwise it reads as "it is."

    Sorry, I'll give a better review later!
    My tumblr or something: x

  22. #22
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    Excellent. Your description is lovely and your ability to weave a good fantasy plot is very good for a beginning writer. The dialouge seems a bit flowery at times though, so watch out for that
    Quote Originally Posted by Cenobitic View Post
    I thought you were straight, Kreis.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hanako Tabris
    But, the main problem with it is the fact that, to me, "runt" is a derogatory term. It's not something that mothers call their children normally. It would just sound better if "runt" was "baby."
    Minupiggu is a genuine runt of the litter. This also explains why there are no other Swinubs in the herd, and why Minupiggu is said to have been so horribly bullied.
    Once again, sorry for the late update. Ironically, this isn't a very long chapter compared to the last two, meaning it shouldn't have taken as long to write, but it still did, because I needed to be very careful while describing the scenario. Here goes.......

    -----------------------

    Chapter Six: The Slippery Swine

    Inomoo maintained a grip on the rough yet slick surface of the immense glacier as she clambered up it. Higher and higher she went, the shape of Mount Trident looming ever closer beyond the range of glaciers, and the aurora overshadowing her constantly, as always.

    The herd was gradually spreading up the face of the glacier like a tea stain. This immense trek would have been painfully arduous for any human, or nearly all Pokemon for that matter, but the Piloswines’ adapted hooves prevented them from slipping, and they were able to safely climb up without too much hassle.

    A hazy mist partially enveloped the upper reaches of the glacial range, making it difficult to see; especially as Piloswine are rather short-sighted creatures at the best of times. It was only the aurora’s celestial glaze, which was even brighter way up here, that provided sufficient light for the herd to navigate the slope. Before long, the snowy downs these Piloswine had lived in all their lives were but a distant shadow on the horizon.

    Due to Teddiursa’s additional weight, Inomoo reached the flattened summit of the glacier later than the rest of her kin, and by the time she had gotten there, all of them had congealed back into herd formation, and were muttering in horror and irritation.

    “How are we supposed to cross that chasm?” moaned an incredibly ancient male, with brittle tusks and grey fur. “And even if we do succeed, there’s still that horrible wall to climb. Look at how steep it is? I knew this supposed “quest” was a bad idea right from the start.”

    “Old M’stadawn is right, you know” replied a much younger Piloswine.

    Inomoo arrived in the middle of this apparent argument, and as soon as she caught a glimpse of the icy abyss separating the glacial range from Mount Trident, she understood what all the commotion was about.

    Beyond the glacier stretched a series of excessively uneven ledges, like a series of giant, broken steps leading downwards. They ended in a deep, deep crevice, running like a wide moat across the facade of Mount Trident. Only instead of water, there appeared to be nothing but blackness inside the great chasm.

    Inomoo looked at it in horror. The decent down the staircase of icy ledges in itself put the climb up the glacial range to shame, for it was so rugged and uneven that the uncomfortable factor would be beyond tolerable. And on top of all that, it was very dangerous.

    On several occasions, the ledges were very high and dropped about twenty feet or more, and towards the bottom they teetered out into a slope that looked slippery enough to send even the well-adapted Piloswines skidding towards inevitable death.

    “Just look at it!” persisted M’stadawn. “Iboor, this is absolute insanity. Foolhardiness is one thing, but suicide is another.”

    “Our herd's motto has forever been that we must stick up for each other, and that shall never change” answered the lead male, who’s name was Iboor. “Minupiggu is endangered, up there on the central peak. We cannot allow him to perish at the wrath of that Panpippa abomination.”

    “Sorry, but if you keep your heart set on taking us to our deaths, I shall leave this herd and find a more sensible Piloswine to guide me through life” snorted the young Piloswine, and with that he trotted up and away from his kin, towards what he considered to be a better and much safer life.

    All of a sudden, his hoof caught on a brittle chunk of ice, and it disintegrated beneath his weight. He stumbled, slipped suddenly, and was sent tumbling helter-skelter down the steps of ice.

    The other Piloswine stampeded after him, completely horror struck, and dashed ungainly from ledge to ledge in a flurry to reach the poor pig. Being a female, Inomoo lacked the immense stamina of the male Piloswine, and was caught up in the onrush like a leaf in a gale. She was whisked passively through their ranks, getting tangled up with her mate and two of his brothers, and eventually all of them lost balance and crashed down into a heap on the precarious icy slope.

    Inomoo struggled out of the shaggy maelstrom, and proceeded nervously down the slope with horror and tension racking her befuddled brain. Teddiursa had been flung from her back during the stampede to try and save the unfortunate adolescent, and the abyss beyond was so vast the chances of it ending up in there seemed extremely likely. She peered down, and saw to her great relief that Teddiursa had managed to grapple onto the slippery brink of the abyss by grinding his premature claws into the ice.

    This was all that pinned him in place, as he dangled desperately and cried, “Inomoo! Help!”

    “I’m coming little one, don’t you be afraid” Inomoo said as she anxiously made her way down to the edge. “Just hang in there!”

    “This is no time for jokes!” cried Teddiursa. “Please help, the ice is breaking up! Help!”

    And sure enough, cracks were spreading out across the ice and weaving into the pattern of a Spinarak web. Inomoo made a desperate lung and held out her tusks before Teddiursa’s eyes. The little bear freed one paw and in a last ditch attempt to escape his awaiting doom, grasped it around one of Inomoo’s tusks. She hauled him out, weeping tears of relief, and set him down on the ice as the other Piloswine regained their consciousness and sidled carefully down to see what had happened.

    “What happened to Wooloth?” asked Iboor, sounding distressed.

    Teddiursa did not say a word in reply. Instead, he pointed his paw into the abyss from which he had narrowly been rescued, and this was enough for everyone to know Wooloth’s fate. A murmur ran through the dazed herd.

    “See what happens when we don’t stay together!” bellowed Iboor in an almost triumphant voice, and at once all the Piloswine seemed to be converted by this statement, for begrudging murmurs of agreement and shallow apologies rang through the cold air.

    “I still say this is a bad idea” answered M’stadawn in his gritty, resentful voice. “But since you’re the leader, and since it’s not wise to not go along with what the leader says, I suppose we all have to go ahead and brave whatever hurdles nature has in store for us.”

    Suddenly, he was interrupted by a crackling noise, like someone walking over bubble wrap. This strange noise appeared to be getting louder, as it surrounded the herd and spread out beneath their hooves. Iboor looked, and saw the source of this noise: an ever-widening and ever more complex crack in the ice on which the herd stood.

    Then, with a heaving sigh, a tumultuous crack, and a dozen or so horrified bellows, a massive chunk of ice fell away into the abyss; taking the entire Piloswine herd with it……
    Last edited by Komedic Konservationist; 1st June 2006 at 11:40 AM.

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  24. #24
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    Yes, Minupiggu is the runt of the herd, but still. I believe that your own mother would not insult you by calling you a derogatory term such as "runt." I mean, this is a mother we're talking about. Excuse me for thinking that most mothers wouldn't insult their kids. <<

    Typo...

    "Our ]B]motto’s herd[/B] has forever been that we must stick up for each other, and that shall never change" answered the lead male, who’s name was Iboor.
    Not only did you miss the punctuation before the closing quotes, you also messed up two words. The bolded ones should be switched around, with herd being the posessive noun.

    "Sorry, but if you keep your heart set on taking us to our deaths, I shall leave this herd and find a more sensible Piloswine to guide me through life" snorted the young Piloswine, and with that he trotted up and away from his kin, towards what he considered to be a better and much safer life.
    Again, missed the punctuation before the closing quotes.

    Inomoo made a desperate lung and held out her tusks before Teddiursa’s eyes.
    "lung" should be "lunge."

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hanako Tabris
    Yes, Minupiggu is the runt of the herd, but still. I believe that your own mother would not insult you by calling you a derogatory term such as "runt." I mean, this is a mother we're talking about. Excuse me for thinking that most mothers wouldn't insult their kids. <<
    I thought that baby would sound too human, and I don't want the Pokemon characters to come across as humans in animal bodies, like they often do in fiction. Nevertheless, I've changed it to piglet for the sake of runt sounding too insulting. I also fixed the weeping typo in the same line.
    Not only did you miss the punctuation before the closing quotes, you also messed up two words. The bolded ones should be switched around, with herd being the posessive noun.
    Fixed.
    I have to leave for my grandmother's house in less than an hour, so I can't post anything more detailed. The next chapter should be up around Monday, as long as Zero Mission and Tales of Symphonia don't take up too much of my free time.

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