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Thread: Can't Stop the rain - Cascada

  1. #1
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    Default Can't Stop the rain - Cascada

    Hello this is my thing for Can't stop the rian by cascada! This is rated PG! Have fun reading it!

    How, how am I supposed to feel
    When everything surrounding me
    Is nothing but a fake disguise
    I don't know,
    I don't know where I belong
    It's time for me to carry on
    I'll say goodbye


    "I'm sorry, i have to do this" Said Jimmy,
    "Have to do what?" Said Marina,
    "Its over" Jimmy said sadly and tears dripping from his eyes.
    "No! It can't be Jimmy i thought we were happy together???"
    "Yes, we were"
    Marina runs away crying.

    I can't stop the rain from fallin'
    I'm drownin in these tears I cry
    Since you left without a warning
    I face the dawn with sleepless eyes
    No I can't go on
    When clouds are pushin' down on me, boy
    I can't stop, I can't stop the rain
    From fallin


    Marina meets Jimmy again, in 2 months.

    "Jimmy why did you do it"
    "Marina i loved you but it wasn't working out that well. It was all bitter from something i did"
    "Jimmy, how could you??"
    So, tell me where I went wrong
    I'm stuck inside a dream long gone
    It's hard to reveal the truth
    Your love,
    Is nothing but a bitter taste
    It's better if I walk away,
    Away from you



    Jimmy runs towards Marina and he says "I'm sorry i hope we can still be friends?"
    "No! Hate you so much! Burn and rott!" Marina runs away crying again.

    I can't stop the rain from fallin'
    Im drownin in these tears I cry
    Since you left without a warning
    I face the dawn with sleepless eyes
    No I can't go on
    When clouds are pushin' down on me, boy
    I can't stop, I can't stop the rain
    From fallin



    Well thats all folks! Tell me if you like it and why and tell me if you don't like it and why! This is my first one so its not perfect!

    Thanks EmeraldDragon
    Last edited by EmbersBackUpSinger; 7th June 2006 at 10:51 PM.

  2. #2
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    .........WHOO! Right on! A brilliant peice but I would like to see more like, I dunno, Jimmy throws himself off a bridge or at least a bit more!

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by flygonrulz
    .........WHOO! Right on! A brilliant peice but I would like to see more like, I dunno, Jimmy throws himself off a bridge or at least a bit more!
    Lol thank you for your time And suggestions! I will try.

  4. #4
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    I know it's your first time for a fic...but I got to point out mistakes...

    What kind of shipping is this?

    "I'm sorry, i have to do this" Said Jimmy,
    "Have to do what?" Said Marina,
    "Its over" Jimmy said tearing,
    "No! It can't be jimmy i thought we were happy together???"
    "Yes, we were"
    Marina runs away crying.
    What do you mean by 'Jimmy said tearing'? First of all, tearing can mean two things, one is 'tearing up a paper' and the second, 'tearing up'. You have to put in the 'up', so we readers can know what exactly he was doing.

    Make a spacing everytime someone speaks, it'll be much more easier to read.

    Make someone's name Capitalized. For example, Jimmy. You didn't not capitalize the first letter of the name when Marina talks to him.

    And...Puh-leaze, please, add in MORE DESCRIPTION...

    Jimmy runs towards Marina and he says "I'm sorry i hope we can still be friends?"
    Marina- No! Hate you so much! Burn and rott! Marina runs away crying again.
    Okay...Why didn't you put the starting " and the ending "? Marina has started her dialouge, but there are no "... It make me rather confused...

    Marina meets jimmy again, in 2 months.
    "Jimmy why did you do it"
    "Marina i loved you but it wasn't working out that well. It was all bitter from something i did"
    "Jimmy, how could you??"
    Why didn't you put in who was saying the speech? Yes, I can tell from the dialouge but it'll make it much easier. And, why couldn't you explain what Jimmy did? It makes the story longer and more interesting. And also explain how Marina met him again, you could put in she met him in a store or something like that.

    I'm really sorry if I sound harsh, because everytime I try and give criticisim, I end up being...terribly harsh. T_T But hey, criticism are harsh, aren't they? Anyway, this fic was good ^_^, but it was short, and the mistakes I pointed out were obvious ^^;;(Or it's maybe I'm picky) Keep practising and you'll become a good writer...
    STRAWBERRIES : DD
    (they rock and don't deny it or I'll send the strawberry army after you)

  5. #5
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    Thanks For reading this! Now i can learn from this and Edit it!

  6. #6
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    It's...short. Incredibly, and there's no description. It doesn't make me want to endorse the Questshipping couple any more then I already had. It doesn't make that impact. Also, your present tense way of writing makes it hard for me to register what's going on.

    It's only text, going back and forth, otherwise it's just the lyrics. (And another show of my hypocricy) I edited the quotes in Blue and Red, and changed them. Most of these are not the originals, I made them correct in the quotes, but they're still wrong in the actual story.

    Jimmy runs towards Marina and he says "I'm sorry I hope we can still be friends?"
    Tsk Tsk, Capitalization My Friend, Is The Key To A Good Fanfiction. Just Don't Abuse It Like I Am Right Now.

    "No! Hate you so much! Burn and rott!" Marina runs away crying again.
    "No! I hate you so much!"

    You're 'I' wasn't there, making it sound weird, and after adding an I you have to decapitalize hate. And you spelled 'rott' wrong. It's spelled, 'rot' with one T. But, 'Rott' goes with, 'Rottweiler', or whatever that dog's name is.

    "I'm sorry, I have to do this" said Jimmy,
    "Have to do what?" said Marina,
    "It's over" Jimmy said sweating some tears.
    Sweeating some tears? WTF? And the, 'said Jimmy, said Marina' thing twice in a row sounds kinda odd. Try, 'said Jimmy' and 'Marina said'

    Well, that's all I'm willing to point out now, but I'm sure that'll give you more then enough to do.

    5/10--Needs major work. Lyrics aren't everything in a song fic, they merely represent something of the author's choice. Characters should do a little more then just talk, and cry, and run.
    Last edited by Rider; 5th June 2006 at 12:45 AM.

  7. #7
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    0_o...Okay, you DID change...but um,
    "I'm sorry, I have to do this" said Jimmy,
    "Have to do what?" said Marina,
    "It's over" Jimmy said sweating some tears.
    WHAT ON EARTH is sweating some tears? Okay...There is NO WAY people can even sweat tears, unless they are some kind of not a 'natural' human being...0.o Anyway, you should say,

    "It's over." Jimmy said, tears falling down from his eyes.

    There! And also describe the charactor's feelings.

    "No! Hate you so much! Burn and rott!" Marina runs away crying again.
    "No! I hate you so much! Burn and rott!" Marina said, as she ran away, tears spilling from her eyes.

    'Marina runs away crying again' is...totally...not proper...grammer...I think.
    STRAWBERRIES : DD
    (they rock and don't deny it or I'll send the strawberry army after you)

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by May_Beautifly
    0_o...Okay, you DID change...but um,

    WHAT ON EARTH is sweating some tears? Okay...There is NO WAY people can even sweat tears, unless they are some kind of not a 'natural' human being...0.o Anyway, you should say,

    "It's over." Jimmy said, tears falling down from his eyes.

    There! And also describe the charactor's feelings.


    "No! I hate you so much! Burn and rott!" Marina said, as she ran away, tears spilling from her eyes.

    'Marina runs away crying again' is...totally...not proper...grammer...I think.

    Well thanks i changed some parts of this story.

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