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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Master of Puppets

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Master of Puppets

    Thought I'd try my hand at a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon story, given as thanks to Knightfall's Overthrown and a few other events stirring up my interest in the series.

    This'll be updated as much as I can, though I'm going to warn you all it's taking a back seat to my current ongoing fic, Monsters Among Us (link in my signature if you're interested), but hopefully, I do this story and the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series some justice with my take on it.

    So...without further ado, I present: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Master of Puppets!

    Chapter List

    Prologue
    Chapter I

    PM List

    Brutaka
    TheCharredDragon
    Last edited by GingerDixie; 18th June 2014 at 5:12 AM.
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    Current Chapter Progress: Chapter IV, 10% complete
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  2. #2
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    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Master of Puppets
    A GingerDixie Fanfiction


    Prologue

    The first thing I was aware of was that this was no ordinary dream.

    Was it even a dream? The landscape around me was surprisingly lucid, and it felt both familiar and foreign at the same time; so honestly, I hadn't the slightest clue on how I should properly react. I could even feel the soft squish of wet earth welling up between my toes as I took a step forward, and with that one action, the smell of damp and rot that suddenly materialized from nowhere and surrounded me seemed far too real and recognizable for this to be a figment of my imagination.

    I was in a forest. The trees around me rose as tall as skyscrapers, and the ground level foliage was sparse and pale even in the little starlight that managed to seep through the tangle of branches above me. There was no moon. I could barely see my hand in front of my face, but nonetheless, my body carried me forward as if I knew this route by heart.

    Yes...it is you who I am looking for.

    The sudden voice from nowhere startled me to a halt; as I stood frozen there, the mud, trees, and starlight suddenly dissolved around me, as if being sucked upwards into some wormhole too far above my head to be seen. I was now surrounded in complete darkness, placed within an empty void with no beginning and no end. Now I couldn’t see any part of myself, no matter how hard I tried, and I was quite surprised to learn that I’d seemed to have lost all feeling in my limbs as well, as moving what I thought was my hand to pinch what I thought was my arm, I felt nothing. Not even a tugging of the muscles that would indicate my brain had followed through with the command I had ordered it to perform.

    Don't be so alarmed...I come to you in peace.

    As if hearing voices from nowhere was completely natural.

    There is a great deal of change upon us, child. I have been watching you, you see, for I fear this is a change in course that our realm may not recover from on their own.

    To say I was confused would be putting it lightly. Who was speaking to me? What was he talking about, with this cryptic speak of "change to come"? Where was I? Why couldn't I feel anything?

    It's decided. You are the one.

    As if an answer to my pleas, a bright light shone down on me from above, and again, I could see my limbs...but as my body came into focus, I was shocked to see that it was not my own.

    You are to be the crossroads upon which three important paths cross.

    What was I?

    The light around me faded, an in it's place the forest surrounded me again, almost as quickly as it disappeared the first time. However, this time, I was facing a clearing filled with rustic-looking wood huts. As it was apparently the dead of night, there was no activity outside, but the sound of laughter and music could be heard from the cottages that still had lights in the windows, and in the distance, an even livelier party was in full swing in a much larger and more richly decorated home to the east. Torches burned unattended on the fringes of this forest civilization, seemingly marking where sentries would usually stand...but they too must be taking part in the wonderful, late night frolic going on as every single one of these posts were empty.

    What sort of place was I in now?

    My body--or rather, whatever body I was in (was it mine?)--took a step forward, only to be knocked flat by a large, dark, floating shape that had (like most everything I was experiencing in this weird dream-yet-not-a-dream) appeared seemingly from thin air. However, despite clearly making contact with me, the figure paused only momentarily; a pair of glowing yellow eyes darting fearfully across its surroundings. It made no sound, and within moments, it had floated away. I hadn't even gotten so much as a glimpse at it.

    The forest melted away.

    Now I was in a city. A cobblestone road stretched before me, and torchlights cast an eerie orange glow on the brick buildings that rose up for a couple stories around me. Now I was faced with three floating swords and what appeared to be a small, round, catlike animal, the latter of which had been backed up against the opposite wall and surrounded.

    The swords pressed closer and the pink creature shook it's head fervently, a language I couldn't decipher quite clearly begging the unseen force wielding the swords (telekinesis, perhaps?) for mercy. However, the plea went unanswered, and it eventually silenced as the middle sword drove itself through the pink creature's chest.

    I screamed, but given as the two other swords had joined the massacre without so much as a pause, I was clearly unheard. I was forced to watch in abject horror as the three swords continued to slice up the body of the pink creature, painting the bricks red with its blood as their shadows danced in the firelight. I couldn’t move; couldn’t breathe. The only thing I felt was my throat now, as though I’d screamed myself raw.

    Thankfully, once the three swords had reduced their victim to nothing more than a pinkish-red heap of bones and gore, the scene began to fade from me. However, it didn’t go away quickly enough for me to get a glimpse at the front of their hilts...and what I saw just about drove me to screaming again, hoarseness be damned.

    Embedded in the hilt of each of those disembodied swords was an eye. And as the city alleyway finally dissolved into the black, all three of them had been trained directly on me.

    Now the city had faded away to what appeared to be a snow-covered mountainside, and a piercing cold that surrounded my feet and ankles indicated to me that I was about ankle-deep in the white stuff, while a frigid mountain breeze shook the rest of my body. Though I felt incredibly bothered by this weather, again, I didn’t really have any say in the matter as moving my hands or feet worked up no response from my body. I couldn’t even shiver, though I felt like I should be shivering. God help me if I somehow froze to death in this nightmare...it would probably be a worthy respite after that gruesome murder I just witnessed.

    Through the flurries around me I could see that I was on a clifftop; below me, an icy village stood in lively contrast to the bleak grayness of the mountain rock. However, unlike the forest settlement that I had “visited” first, there was a huge crowd standing by a particularly large and ornate building; consisting of a variety of creatures of pale shades that seemed like they would be at home in the snow and ice. Some of them carried what appeared to be signs, others carried torches...something that was wildly out of place as the rest of the town understandably had no fire at all; their light was instead provided by series of blue orbs that had been strung up intermittently about the city streets. Angry shouts carried in the wind and just barely reached my ears...apparently, there was some sort of demonstration going on in this wintry hamlet.

    Suddenly, a back door opened behind the building the citizens were parading in front of, and two vague shapes escorted a third one across the snow, hovering over it protectively as the cries of anger grew louder still. The three of them continued some distance away, and then the more humanoid one bent itself over, grazing a tendril across the head of a blue, triangular being while the spherical figure accompanying the both of them looked around fervently as the crowd pressed closer to their home.

    The breeze around me strengthened into an icy gale.

    A faint tinkling below signaled a window being broken, and the three figures jumped in alarm at the sound. The triangular silhouette pressed close to the humanoid figure, and for a moment, they held each other close. However, due to urging from the spherical one, the humanoid was eventually forced to part ways with what I could only imagine was its child, sending the blue, tottering form through the endless white snow just as the front of the building began to crumble from the heat of the protester’s flames.

    Three worlds never meant to collide, yet this time, it is necessary.

    The voice spoke to me again as the world of ice and snow faded once more into blackness, and again I was returned to a blissful nothingness in the black void that had surrounded me since the beginning. I had no idea what had happened, or why whoever this was wanted me to see these three seemingly unrelated scenes. All I wanted was to wake up. To know this whole mess was just a dream, however lucid it may have been. I wanted to return to my life.

    Because there is a terrible force in this world that is going to use the upcoming shift in power for their own selfish purposes.

    The scenes I had been shown flashed across my vision again in rapid succession, though this time, they focused on a particular element of the scene rather than the picture as a whole.

    A black, yellow-eyed creature floating away from the forest village.

    Three disembodied swords slashing some innocent creature to death, with the middle one being first to meet its eye with my own.

    A triangular silhouette fleeing its home as it was slowly destroyed by discontenters.

    Find these three lost souls, and together, you will save your world from utter destruction.

    The three images cut out abruptly.

    Go now. I’m counting on you...Cyrena.

    And then I was falling.
    Last edited by GingerDixie; 1st June 2014 at 5:59 AM.
    I have claimed Nuzleaf

    Current Chapter Progress: Chapter IV, 10% complete
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  3. #3
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    Alright. I get to be your first reviewer. Awesome!

    Hmmm, an interesting prologue on the PMD genre. I have seen many kinds of prologues in the various stories I've read, ranging from personality tests, to running around a rapidly deteriorating lab, to abominations devouring an entire town and leaving only the main character alive. Here, we get the main character's primary goal in the story: find these three Pokemon. Hmm, I guess that the first one is a ghost-type, perhaps a Lampent or Chandelure from what I can estimate. The second Pokemon is probably the Aegislash that happens to be looking at the main character (because that Skitty is dead, so it's not like she can recruit it anymore). Then finally, the third Pokemon is no doubt a Snorunt. Sooo, looks like a potentially interesting team. Though, I wonder how the main character will get each of them. Do they dimension hop? And why are these Pokemon so important? What do they have that no other Pokemon have?

    Your story intrigues me very much, so I will continue to read it as you update it. Though I do have a suggestion for you; when you have the character wake up as a Pokemon, maybe play with their reaction of being in an entirely different body that isn't human. It'd be interesting to see and it's pretty realistic since not many people would react all that great to being a completely different being they have probably never seen before.
    Last edited by SableVulpi; 9th June 2014 at 10:39 PM.

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    Like Vulpi, I've seen - and - written - various prologues to PMD stories, but this one is different still.

    I can't say much that Vulpi hasn't already, but I will say this:

    Firstly, that the protagonist didn't seem to know the name of any of the Pokemon that she witnessed or even mention that were Pokemon at all. In fact, besides the title, the word Pokemon or the names of any specific Pokemon didn't come up once. I've only seen this a couple times, so I'll be interested in seeing where this goes.

    Secondly... the character didn't do much besides get dragged along by the story. I'll be wary to say much because we haven't come across a scene where the character has been entirely in control of themselves without outside events being more pressing than analyzing herself. Still, most people wouldn't notice it merely as a passing thought. But I'll wait to say anything one way or the other until I've seen Chapter 1.

    Thirdly, the writing style is very good and very much your own. Despite what you say, you could threaten to topple the reign that Overthrown has on the PMD department if you gather a large enough following. If you can keep it up, that is.

    Despite that, I do have say that the Prologue was fairly difficult to follow. This mostly has to do with most of the descriptions and scenes being very... floaty... and open to interpretation. It was, more or less, a dream sequence though, so I think it can overlooked for the Prologue. I just hope that the first Chapter 1 will be more grounded.

    And despite that, it was still very interesting, and I'll be following it for sure. On that note, I'd love to be on the PM List, if you're running one.
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    @Vulpi: I'm going to start with thanking both you and Bru for your reviews; they were, in fact, a lot better than I was expecting for my first PMD story. But that's a good thing! I take it as it means that I'm on the right track when it comes down to the type of world I'm trying to write for.

    Secondly...you're not quite right on with the Pokemon you guessed as the team setup, but you did correctly guess one (the Snorunt) and you're in the right evolutionary line with the "Aegislash". I have a feeling the reveal of the first one might take you a bit off-guard though. Though I take the fault for that as I admit I'd made it purposefully vague. ^^;

    @Bru: As I said to Vulpi, thank you for your review as well. While my intent was to make the prologue floaty and dreamlike, I did take a look at what you'd said regarding the character being dragged along and grounding the description for this next chapter. That being said, I'm flattered that you're interested enough to follow...truly I am. I only hope I can keep it up enough to maintain everyone's interest. ^^

    That being said, Chapter I is here! Hope you all enjoy!




    Chapter I

    Two hours past moon-set (2:00 mst)
    Great Temple of Hoopa
    Glenwood City, Pepan Territories


    I don't remember landing, but by the time I opened my eyes, I was met with nothing but dust, rubble, and light.

    After spending what seemed to be an eternity in pitch darkness, the light was definitely surprising to me, and as my pupils constricted painfully against the brightness, I could tell my eyes agreed. Reflexively, I shut my eyes as my hand went to my face, trying to brush away the dust as my ears rang from the impact I never felt--though thankfully, the rest of my body screamed in protest against my movements, proving painfully that I had once again regained normal functions.

    Well...that was good at least. Maybe those fleeting images I had witnessed had been a dream after all--a sort of weird, lucid dream that had perhaps caused a bit of sleep paralysis. At least that seemed to make some sense for most of it.

    When I opened my eyes again, the dust had settled somewhat, and the first thing I could make out through the light shining through splintered timbers that had used to hold up the roof I’d crashed through was the grinning face of some sort of horned creature, it's arms outstretched towards me as it balanced on top of a golden pedestal. It was perched in such a position that made it obvious I must have knocked into it as well on my way down; the way it leaned towards me made me feel as if the slightest disturbance would send it toppling down on top of me. I froze, afraid to take even the slightest breath for fear the pink, silver and gold idol would crush me where I lie...but after a few moments of staring into its cut emerald eyes, I felt confident that the statue, however precarious, was probably well-balanced enough to stay where it was.

    Thank. God.

    As the ringing in my ears began to subside, I could make out voices coming towards me; angry, shouting voices that no doubt owned whatever this building was that had been so unfortunate as to break my fall. Honestly, I didn't blame them. Falling through a roof was a hell of a way to make a first impression, and I could only hope that whomever was coming to my rescue would be willing to let me explain my case...whatever said case would be. I still wasn’t quite sure if everything (except the falling of course) I’d experienced was real or not.

    I raised my head...and jolted as the rest of my body comes into focus. I was still stuck in the same one that I’d seen in my dream...a body that was a far cry from the fair skinned, well-fleshed build I'd grown so used to seeing my entire life. All of my limbs and the lower half of my body were now covered in scales, and an ugly shade of gray to boot. My fingers and toes ended in nasty looking claws (how had I not felt those when I was rubbing at my face?), and what wasn't ugly gray with the occasional brick-red spot was a drab shade of green, with the consistency of a thick, bony carapace that was not unlike that of a tortoise shell. Apparently, I wasn't the only one shocked by my new appearance, because in those moments of tense realization, the voices that had been crying for retribution not too long ago had also fallen silent...and then the tension broke when one of the voices let out a shrill, almost terrified cry.

    "Dragoon!"

    A searing blast of heat struck my backside then, causing me to cry out in agony as peach-colored tendrils shot out from the settling dust and wrapped around my(?) decidedly reptilian arms, harshly yanking me up despite my cries of anguish. My(?) clawed feet skidded around underneath me, trying to find purchase on the tiled floor, and another blast of heat exploded against my back, knocking me off-balance again as I raised my head. I groaned as my eyes met those of the figure that has appeared infront of me...it was the peach-colored visage of one very pissed-off specter.

    "Mischief be damned...you sure have a lot of explaining to do, filthy Dragoon."

    His yellow eyes were hard as my head drooped forward, my(?) neck unable to support it's weight without sending a shooting bolt of pain down my(?) backside. Blood dripped from my(?) lips; however, since my mouth was closed and I couldn't taste it; I knew it wasn't coming from the inside. A small, weak groan was my only reply.

    The ghostly being turned away, the golden necklaces and armbands adorning his armlike tendrils clinking lightly as he waddled his way forward; it seemed as though his upper body ended in a black gourd that had two small stumps on the bottom for feet, making his gait look very similar to that of a duck. I probably would find it a bit silly...if I wasn't in so much pain and wasn’t scared to death of him; not to mention scared that I had no idea why I wasn't me anymore. And why did they keep growling at me and calling me "Dragoon"? What did I ever do to them?

    "Put her in the city jail," the figure finally ordered, his voice audibly quaking from the hard rage I had seen in his pupil-less eyes as he spoke. “And...let the High Priest know about the damage. If we're lucky, he'll cry for this heathen Fraxure's head on a plate...though that would probably be denying the right of the king to do it himself given as she’s broken the Truce by setting foot in our borders.”

    Wait...they were going to dowhat to me?!

    “Yes, sir,” one of my captors behind me spoke up, the noticeably deeper pitch of his voice leading me to imagine him being much larger; despite apparently being the same type of creature the one with the jewelry was. "I'll see to it the Dragoon is contained accordingly. With the prison relatively empty and the lord of the land in town, I'm sure he would be very happy to witness justice as usual here in Glenwood, especially when it's one of the most valued temples in the land desecrated by this monster."

    There must be some mistake. All I did was fall through a roof, and they wanted to behead me for it?! I didn't even know how it happened!

    Despite my various cuts, burns, and bruises, the realization that I might die here a hideous monster without ever figuring out why coursed adrenaline through my screaming body. I immediately flailed my arms, trying to break out of the light (yet surprisingly sturdy) grip of my captors. Blood spattered across the floor from the unknown source all over my face as I tossed my head to the side to get some momentum; but predictably, in the end, the ghostly guards subdued me again and began to drag me from the rubble of the building I damaged...apparently some sort of temple. Flashes of gold, silver, and ornately carved wood that must have value similar to the precious metals soared through my peripherals as my throbbing body struggled still, doing nothing to waver the hold on my arms.

    I then started to scream, but the noise that my mind was imagining and what actually left my throat ended up being two totally different sounds.

    The bestial roar that echoed about the chamber startled even me, and almost immediately after it began, the two ghosts dragging me stopped dead in their tracks at the sound. Even the bejeweled one calling for me to be imprisoned and possibly executed seemed to be surprised, as he did an immediate about-face toward me with his mouth hung open.

    They were intimidated, I’m sure; which was the exact opposite of what I’d been intending. Hell, they scared me, not the other way around. However, I couldn’t really explain myself, giving as that it had taken all of my energy just to perform that one action. Upon meeting my gaze with the decorated, haunted gourd-thing, my head then slumped back to where it was, unable to stay up any longer.

    While it didn’t seem like the specter wanted to bark any more orders or hurl any more unfounded insults at me, there were a few flashes of bright light in my peripheral, and I didn’t look up to see where they were coming from. Shortly after, they ended and a pair of spurred blue legs with orange middle toes appeared in front of me, and I felt a small prick in my neck. Then the last thing I knew, I was engulfed with black unconsciousness that at this point was starting to become very familiar.




    “-damage is severe, but repairable. However, there is still the lingering question of what some Dragoonian barbarian is doing on a Pepan fief, especially as Lord Fenror’s guards didn’t report any hostile activity in his borderlands. Even more mysterious is the fact that she fell through the Great Temple’s roof.”

    When I came around, I was no longer surrounded by the luxury of precious metals and woods that had been dedicated to that strange, horned statue I had stared in the face upon my initial awakening. Rather, I had been moved to a plain stone cell lit only by a barred window, which was far too high over my head for me to reach. By the sounds of it, there were guards outside my cell, but they had either stopped talking to each other or were patrolling periodically, as the conversation that I had heard upon waking was no longer continuing.

    Sighing heavily, I rolled my neck. My body was still sore, but at least it wasn’t crippling to move, and I took the opportunity to rise and stand on the clawed feet that I still wasn’t sure were mine to get a better look at my new surroundings.

    Or...at least I tried to. The moment I was upright, the world suddenly tilted and my stomach seized with nausea, pitching me forward onto my hands and knees as I fought hard to keep down the bile that was rapidly rising in my throat.

    "Ohohoho~. So the Dragoon is awake~!"

    At the sound of the other voice so close to me, I immediately stiffened up, ready to protect myself if need be. While I admit my entrance to whatever mad world this was could have been a lot quieter and less destructive, the sentient creatures who seemed to occupy any place a human should be weren't exactly leaving the best impressions on me either. I started growling--a low, guttural sound that scared me nearly as much as the roaring at the pumpkin-ghost had; but this time, I meant it.

    "Go ahead," I managed to choke out, my voice raspy and hoarse from the abuse I'd been through in what I felt to be such a short time. "You want to take a shot at me too? Join the club. Maybe dying is the only way I could rid myself of this hideous reptilian hide."

    There was silence from the other voice for a moment, and then it burst out laughing: a light, airy, and carefree sound as a pair of orange eyes appeared above me from the darkness, drifting slowly down as if it were gliding towards me. I stopped growling and shot up to rapt attention, despite my body and my stomach’s complaints. I was ready to do my best to flee if my cell-mate was another one of those sadistic specters. I’d had quite enough of that for the time being, thank you very much.

    “Shhh, shh...oh, don’t look at me like that, my little Dragoonian friend~. Jingle’s just a harmless little puffball~. Come come...no need to be so nasty~!”

    The pair of eyes drifted into the light of the window, and the faint midday sun illuminated the rest of the creature’s body. Well…“puffball” was definitely accurate. It seemed as if this creature’s body were almost entirely surrounded by a very large cotton ball. Whatever part of this creature’s--Jingle’s--body that wasn’t completely ensconced in the white stuff was small, brown, and bipedal, reminding me very much of a wooden doll carved to look vaguely sheep-like in appearance. The large, curled, green horns on either side of her head only contributed to the sheep theme...though I had yet to guess what the flight resulted from. She didn’t appear to have any wings or appendages that would enable her to do so.

    “Ohohoho...just as Jingle thought. You look even worse up close~,” the flying sheep-thing giggled, drifting around me as I started to double back over onto my side, moaning and clutching at my stomach. The way she kept spinning around me wasn’t making my nausea any better, that’s for sure. “The sheriff must have nicked you~. You were being a naughty little Pokemon, weren’t you~?”

    “I didn’t do anything,” I mumbled, wishing this Jingle creature would shut up and leave me alone already. “All I know is that at this point, even if I don’t get out of here, that would be just fine with me. I don’t need to spend the rest of my life as some goddamned lizard.”

    Or Pokemon...whatever that is, I added in my head as somewhere in my peripheral, the small click of wood on stone signified that my cellmate had landed next to me. If this is how “Dragoonians” or “Pokemon” or “Fraxures” are treated in this madhouse, I don’t think I want to be either one of them. I need to find a way back now.

    “Oh...where is it~? It’s got to be in here somewhere~!”

    White completely blocked my vision when I managed to pull myself out of my head and back into the dungeon cell I was trapped in; it took me a moment to realize that I was facing Jingle’s backside before her almost musical voice chimed in again...it would probably be rather easy to listen to if I didn’t feel like I wanted to toss my cookies all over this mildewy hole.

    “Do me a favor, Dragoonian friend...grope around in there and see if you can find yourself a Seed, would you please~? I couldn’t reach it even if I wanted to; my arms are rather nubby~.”

    She giggled lightly as my addled head began to process what exactly she was asking me to do...oh God.

    “...Listen,” I began, “...I’m sure you’re really nice and all, but I don’t think I can touch your--”

    “Do you want to get better or not, Cyrena?”

    My eyes shot wide open, and my body righted itself again. There it was, the name that the voice had called me by at the end of my dream. It was my name...at least, I think I remember it being my name. How did this Jingle know about it, though? I don't remember seeing the likes of her in that nightmare.

    I looked up, meeting my eyes with hers. Despite the firm tone of voice, Jingle's expression was soft, worried even. I didn't see hard malice in her eyes like I had seen in the pumpkin-ghost; so perhaps she really was trying to help me...in her own weird little way.

    She nodded her head towards her backside, imploring me to comply with what she'd asked. So, without thinking too hard about it, I raised one of my savage, clawed mitts and sunk it as gently as I could into the huge ball of cotton.

    "Oooooh~! There you go~!" Jingle giggled as my face burned beneath my scales. Never before in my life had I felt so embarrassed to be doing something...I was so mortified even the pain and nausea was an afterthought! "Now, you're looking for something that feels like a long, flat oval...but if you find one, make sure to show it to me first. Don't want you eating a Blast Seed on accident~. That won't leave a good impression on the guards~."

    "Truth be told, I don't think the guards like me too much in the first place," I mumbled, picking through fibers that had the texture of bunting. "I wasn't exactly given a warm welcome upon my arrival."

    "Well, you are a 'ruthless barbarian' to the Pepan kingdom...to the entire Confederacy, for that matter~," Jingle chimed in reply. "And it also doesn't help you just happened to be the cause of destruction in one of Hoopa's temples. Really the odds are overwhelmingly out of your favor~."

    "Gee, as if I couldn't figure that out on my own," I retorted, though I made a mental note to remember that name. Okay...so that giant horned demon is called Hoopa. Must be what these "Pepan" characters call God.

    My claws scraped against something caught in Jingle's cotton, and without wasting time for gentleness (though she didn't seem to mind much anyway), I pulled it out, taking care not to snag my claws as I did so. The object was a gold-colored seed about the size of my palm, reminiscint of a large sunflower seed in shape. There was a small gust of air as Jingle whipped back around, her eyes running over the seed's husk before she turned to me.

    "Yes, yes~! Good work, my lovely Dragoon friend~. That's it alright~!"

    She clapped her hands and spun into the air, using some unseen force to hover in front of me as she did so. Her reaction was almost giddy, and--well, I couldn't help it. I smiled too.

    "Now eat it~."

    My face fell immediately, my face hardening back into distrust. "...Excuse me?"

    "If you want to get better, Cyrena, you have to eat that~," the strange creature repeated, motioning to the seed. "Come on, don't look at me like that~. Why else would I ask you to get it for me~?"

    Well, for all I knew, it could knock me out again, too. That seemed to be a common thing in this world, at least. This Jingle-creature seemed to be nice enough, but who's to say she didn't have some sort of ulterior motive herself? She was in prison too, after all.

    I dubiously looked back down at the gold seed in my palm, feeling the cotton-sheep's amber eyes watching me imploringly.

    "Go on then~. What are you waiting for~?"

    Well...she knew my name. For some reason, I felt as though that were reason enough to trust her. So after a few moments of contemplation, steeled myself, and popped the seed in my mouth and bit down.

    I immediately regretted the decision once I began vomiting.
    Last edited by GingerDixie; 29th June 2014 at 2:51 AM.
    I have claimed Nuzleaf

    Current Chapter Progress: Chapter IV, 10% complete
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    As per tradition with chapters that I beta-read, I'll still leave a review to discuss anything I could not when I was taking on the role of a critical reader. Now, I write from the perspective of an engaged audience member.

    First, a little typo I missed when reading your chapter.

    Despite my various cuts, burns, and bruises, the realization that I might die here a hideous monster without ever figuring out why coursed adrenaline through my screaming body.
    This should be "Despite my various cuts, burns, bruises, and the realization that I might die here a hideous monster without ever figuring out why, it was enough to have adrenaline course through my screaming body."

    But moving onto things that are not related to sentence structure and such, this was an interesting start into the world of a PMD story. I haven't seen too many dragon-type humans like I stated, and it will be very interesting to see you write one out. Plus, it's a second stage Pokemon, which hints away that perhaps Cyrena was a teenager and thus, it fits in with her age (she talks quite a lot like a teenager or perhaps a young adult, maybe age 20-22). It's a nice touch since Axew would represent "child" more while Haxorus would represent a fully-grown adult.

    I also wonder why her species is referred to as Dragoon rather than Dragon or Dragon-Type. Perhaps the word "dragon-type" does not exist in the world she was transported to? Then also, I get the impression that all of the types are split up/at war with each other. It probably has to do with the fact that they say the word "Dragoon" with such a hostile tinge in their voice in my own head. Still, wonder why there might be a bit of a conflict between the types if this is so.

    Awaiting your next chapter.
    Last edited by SableVulpi; 12th June 2014 at 1:16 AM.

  7. #7
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    This is great! First fanfic I am subscribing to, and I can't wait for it to keep going! Nice touch with the Blast Seed mention, but why was she throwing up? If it was the right seed, how did it make her sick?
    Quote Originally Posted by Sogeking View Post
    What do you know the characters from the same series have the same artstyle. Did you also know Mario and Luigi look alike too?
    I only have one thing to say about this.
    You forgot the comma.
    Join this league!

  8. #8
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    Dang it! I didn't post my review for the first chapter! DX

    But anyways... I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GAVE POKÉMON DIFFRRENT WAYS OF REFERRING TO EACH OTHER! Sorry 'bout the caps, can't help it. ^^; Anyways... I feel a hint of Overthrown in the beginning in the fact she didn't make a good impression on the Pokémon and she ended up in prison, but I think that's just coincidence. But anyways, another thing is that it's first person, minor yes but I don't see those often. Another thing is the names of places and how they refer to each other, me likey since I did that in a story I did some time ago. One thing to say, as Sable said, is that she's a Fraxure. Now I kinda wish I did that but I already had a Fraxure. Anyways, off topic...

    I don't get what's so embarrassing though (probably I'm not sure what she's seeing XP). I wish I could say more than just thoughts but that's all I can say. X/ Oh, and expect me to review this more often than MAU. XP By the ways, put me on the PM list, I don't wanna miss a chapter at all!


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    Thank you all again for your reviews! As per usual, I shall reply to them before posting the next chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by SableVulpi View Post
    This should be "Despite my various cuts, burns, bruises, and the realization that I might die here a hideous monster without ever figuring out why, it was enough to have adrenaline course through my screaming body."
    I'll be fixing this soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by SableVulpi View Post
    But moving onto things that are not related to sentence structure and such, this was an interesting start into the world of a PMD story. I haven't seen too many dragon-type humans like I stated, and it will be very interesting to see you write one out. Plus, it's a second stage Pokemon, which hints away that perhaps Cyrena was a teenager and thus, it fits in with her age (she talks quite a lot like a teenager or perhaps a young adult, maybe age 20-22). It's a nice touch since Axew would represent "child" more while Haxorus would represent a fully-grown adult.
    Well, that's good, because that means I'm doing it right. Cyrena was 20 when she turned. So...good. One of the things I worry about a lot (and I know it's probably going to be more a problem in my other story more than it will be here) is that characters who have a set age in my head don't always sound their age on paper.

    I also wonder why her species is referred to as Dragoon rather than Dragon or Dragon-Type. Perhaps the word "dragon-type" does not exist in the world she was transported to? Then also, I get the impression that all of the types are split up/at war with each other. It probably has to do with the fact that they say the word "Dragoon" with such a hostile tinge in their voice in my own head. Still, wonder why there might be a bit of a conflict between the types if this is so.
    Kind of, sort of. "Dragoon", as its going to become clearer later, is a tribe name. So is "Pepan" (a demonym for the Pepos tribe, actually), and a few other important ones later on. While types aren't necessarily at war with each other, the kingdoms do usually have type majorities that correlate to the kind of tribe that rules, if that makes sense? So while there isn't a war going on, it's not as superficial as simply a type conflict. These kingdoms do have a deeper political history than that.


    Quote Originally Posted by TheCharredDragon View Post
    But anyways... I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GAVE POKÉMON DIFFRRENT WAYS OF REFERRING TO EACH OTHER! Sorry 'bout the caps, can't help it. ^^; Anyways... I feel a hint of Overthrown in the beginning in the fact she didn't make a good impression on the Pokémon and she ended up in prison, but I think that's just coincidence.
    It was, actually. XD But now that I look at, I guess you're right in that both situations are pretty similar.

    But anyways, another thing is that it's first person, minor yes but I don't see those often. Another thing is the names of places and how they refer to each other, me likey since I did that in a story I did some time ago. One thing to say, as Sable said, is that she's a Fraxure. Now I kinda wish I did that but I already had a Fraxure. Anyways, off topic...
    The only reason she's a Fraxure is because she's based off the character I'm playing Gates to Infinity with, who's an Axew. I wanted to use something from the same line, but given as, like I said, Cyrena's 20, I didn't want to make her an Axew because I can't imagine using a Pokemon like Axew for an adult...yet Haxorus also didn't fit for me.

    I don't get what's so embarrassing though (probably I'm not sure what she's seeing XP)
    Due to the position Cyrena was in when she was asked, she took it to mean Jingle was asking her to grab her butt. Granted, it was just the cotton, but the part of the cotton she reached into was around there.

    Anyways, thank you, Vulpi, King Infernape III, and Charred for your reviews! Hopefully this next chapter continues to meet your expectations~




    Chapter II


    High Noon (5:00 mst)
    Office of Rochelle Toxicroak, Sheriff of Glenwood
    Glenwood City, Pepan Territories


    "Okay, so do you mind running this whole big incident by me again? Because even I'm having a hard time buying it, much less finding anything to convict this random Dragoonian on."

    Blue brows cocked over yellow eyes as Sheriff Rochelle Toxicroak delicately laced her fingers together, allowing the orange barbs that made up her middle digits touch together at the points. Her bemused expression stood in mocking contrast to the two Pepan officials fuming just a few feet in front of her, and in the back, two of her most trusted officers, a pair of Pawniard brothers from the Exetan Territories, stood at rapt attention, awaiting her orders just in case these blustering gourds decided to get sassy with her. True, they technically were her superiors and manhandling them could get her expelled from the fief...but then who would they get to replace her? The Pepos tribe, Protectors though they may be, weren't exactly known to be assertive. Sticking one of their own in her place would be asking for the crime rate to increase, and Glenwood was already pretty much a textbook example of how shaggy territorial cities tended to be.

    Though...she did have to admit, Lord Fenror's new laws under Pepan rule and his determination to enforce them made her job quite a bit easier. Today was the first day she'd had to get on the scene herself in a long time, and the purported culprit was even a Dragoonian! It was certainty set up to be an interesting case; now if only she could get the facts straight without the two Gourgeist in front of her breaking into hysterics.

    "What part of 'she fell through the roof' isn't quite getting through to you?!"

    The smaller and more decorated of the two was Rikki Tikki the Miniscule, the royal Pepan archagent the king and queen of his tribe put in charge of Glenwood. Despite his small frame, Tikki was known throughout the territories for his big personality...which translated to Rochelle as “he thinks himself more important than he really is”. She never really liked this particular Pepan, but it gave Rochelle a bit of comfort to know that with him delegated to such a lowly little corner of his king's outer realm, she couldn't be the only one who thought so.

    Of course, that didn't stop him from lording over the territory like Glenwood was his own personal splinter kingdom. If he had his way, Rochelle figured that Tikki would find reason to imprison everyone in the territory who wasn't a Pepan or a member of one of their ally tribes.

    "It's not that I'm not understanding it, sir," Rochelle replied coolly, tapping the points of her barbs together as she spoke. "It's more along the lines of what in the name of Arceus's holy wheel was a Fraxure doing on top of the temple in the first place? The roof isn't easily accessible, is it? And Fraxure can't fly. So...chances are, she didn't get up there herself."

    "My own possible explanation, if I may?"

    This time, it was the larger Gourgeist who spoke; Elgor Rinkus, High Priest of the Great Temple. While it was apparent he was rather upset about this whole fiasco (more understandably so than the sheriff felt Tikki had any right to be),the slightly larger specimen of the Pepos tribe had definitely managed to compose himself since he'd first set foot on the temple grounds...at least enough to speak rationally to her about the situation at hand. "I believe the Dragoon may have been an unwitting pawn of some fringe Psychic's experiments, and was cast here on the whim of a warp test gone wrong. Or perhaps it went right, and she was sent here because they have a qualm with our tribe?"

    Rochelle nodded, her throat sac inflating slightly as she took a breath. "Now, that's a bit more reasonable, at least," she responded. "But there's one problem with that theory. If it was some fringe Psychic with a grudge against the Pepan Kingdom, warping something as feared as a Dragoon into an area within the kingdom's heart...I'll even be so bold as to say directly into Pepos Castle, at the feet of the king and queen themselves-" She paused for a moment as Tikki let loose an indignant squeal. "-would be far more effective. With all due respect, Rinkus, while I do apologize for the damage to your temple, I highly doubt someone would send a Dragoon after it. This fief simply isn't worth worrying about in the grand scheme of things."

    "You’re funded by Pepan Poke aren't you?!" Tikki argued. “And it’s only by the graciousness and generosity of King Jumbo and Queen Wisp that you aren’t up to your eyeballs in Dragoonians!”

    “That’s true,” the Toxicroak sheriff agreed. “But I still don’t see how that makes us a target of any importance. Even before Lord Fenror pledged his allegiance to your crown, it’s not like the fringe clans were clamoring to get here. It’s too dangerous. Even if they could clear us out and raze this entire settlement to the ground, Glenwood Forest is too large, contains too many rather deadly obstacles, and is too unstable for any of the clans and especially Dragoonians to consider it something they should have their hands on.”

    Rochelle nodded once, raising one of her hands into the air and snapping her fingers. Immediately, the Pawniard officers in the back moved to the door, opening it so that the two officials could see themselves out. “I’ll question her to make sure I’m not mistaken. But I’m not executing her. There’s got to be a misunderstanding in here somewhere.”

    “Misunderstanding?! Indeed!!” Tikki cried out, indignant. “She destroyed a holy place of worship and your course of action is to turn her out and let her do it again. No wonder this settlement has such a terrible reputation!”

    “Tikki, she fell through a roof, right? You said so yourself.” Rochelle replied flatly. “And then she roared at you when her guards manhandled her. I know she’s an enemy to the kingdom, but from what I saw, she didn’t attack or even really get that aggressive. Ergo, I’m not going to behead her for being a little bit loud.” Rochelle sighed deeply, rubbing at her temples. “And besides, I never said I was letting her go. Just that I’m going to question her before I jump to conclusions. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Protect and serve as justice allows, right sir?”

    She spit the courtesy like venom, and smiled when the stuck-up prick actually managed to flinch from it. Good. It was the small victories that made dealing with Tikki all the more worthwhile...even if it would result in her getting a nice tongue-lashing from old, curmudgeonly Fenror later. Eh, it’s worth it, she thought to herself. I’d rather take a chiding from that old Shiftry than this dinky little snob. At least I know when I get it from the lord of the land he’s got a decent reason to give it.

    “...I’ll take my leave, then,” Tikki mumbled, turning swiftly on one of his peg legs and waddling out of Rochelle’s office, his many golden, hoop-like adornments jingling in time with his steps. A fleeting mental image of him tripping down the stairs that lead down to the police office proper was enough to widen the Toxicroak’s smile, and she moved her hand up quickly to block a snicker, as the archagent was still within earshot.

    Meanwhile, the High Priest had been far more hesitant to leave. He was still there, lingering in the doorway and wearing a pensive expression on his face as he played absentmindedly with the bands that encircled his own tendrils

    He spoke again only when one of the Pawniard brothers stepped forward, tugging on the light purple-and-gold shawl that denoted his status as the mischief god’s holy ‘mon.

    “...You have to forgive Lord Tikki for his jumpiness lately, Sheriff,” Rinkus spoke gently to Rochelle, his voice devoid of the malice and contempt that Tikki had definitely exhibited with her. “I’m sure you’re aware that many other colonies close to the Exiles’ Fringes are being attacked daily by bands of roving clans, and everyone knows the Dragoon Protectorate is funding the majority of them. They’re searching for a reason to declare war again, and goading the Territorial guard into attacking is a good way of doing it.”

    He took a breath...an unneeded one, Rochelle noted, but she knew that it's something a lot of Ghost species did things like that in front of the living if only to assure them they were just like them in most ways...other than alive, that is. “Not to mention...it doesn’t help that our little visitor is a Fraxure, which is currently of the familial line holding power in the Protectorate.”

    “That doesn’t mean he needs to talk down to me like I’m an idiot,” Rochelle quipped back. “He forgets that I’ve been holding this position longer than he’s had power over me. I’ve been a friend to the Celebites long before they assimilated into the Pepan kingdom. I know what I’m doing, and it’s about high time that he realizes that before I put it in writing, tie it to a spike, and let the blacksmith drive it through that thick rind of his!”

    She pauses, watching a flash of anger pass through the priest’s eyes before she took her own breath, calming herself down. “Sorry. I understand he’s just doing his job too. But just because I’m not a Pepan doesn’t mean I don’t have any clue how justice works. Should I discover this Dragoonian is at fault in one way or the other, then I will punish her according to her offense. But, surely you can be rational here and say that I have no reason to exact the punishment of death on any Pokemon who was somehow at the wrong place in the wrong time, holy temple afflicted or not?”

    Rinkus became silent just like that, his tendrils folded behind his back as he mulled the sheriff’s words over. “...I want to stay for the questioning, if you would be so kind.”

    “You’re kidding me.”

    “It is my temple!”

    “And what if she is guilty, sir? You think she’s going to say it to your face? You think if she knows anything she’s going to spill all the beans to an enemy of her Protectorate?”

    The Gourgeist lifted his eyes to Rochelle, his gaze hard and determined. “...Well, I’m going to allow you your gut feeling and allow the possibility of the Dragoon’s guilt being just that...an if.” he replied. “I don't know how you do it, Rochelle , but I have been watching your scruffy brand of justice during my time here on Lord Fenror's fief. What surprises me is that, while you have made some slip-ups, more often than not, you're absolutely right in your convictions.

    "So. I want to see for myself which it is this time. I can be out of sight if you prefer, but I want to hear this interrogation, at the very least."

    Rochelle considered the priest for a moment, taking in his look and stance. He certainly sounded like he was being truthful. And unlike Tikki, Rochelle knew that should he be allowed, Rinkus would probably keep his damn mouth shut and not say anything to incite an attack...or worse, a withholding of information. She wanted answers just like the rest of them did, after all.

    “...Fine,” the dart frog relented, standing up to her full height as her Pawniard officers again shifted back to attention. She loomed over Rinkus in comparison, being much bigger than was usual her species, but the priest didn’t waver around her. That was disappointing. Even Tikki backed away when Rochelle started stalking about. It was kind of intimidation she wanted; the kind of reputation that came with her position and what made Glenwood criminals stop landing their asses in her jail. “You can hear the interrogation. I don’t want the Dragoon to see you or sense you, however, make yourself as invisible as you can...you’re a Ghost, you’re good at doing that anyway."

    She paused, watching as Rinkus nodded his head in understanding. “And,” she continues. “For the love of Arceus, keep your trap shut. Even if she defames your precious horned idol. I’m already expecting that she probably won’t tell me anything useful. Don’t make it worse by making yourself known.”

    “I understand, Sheriff. Thank you.”

    Rochelle grinned, grabbing the doorframe of her office as she headed out. “Now’s the time to find something to phase into. It’ll be easier for me to pretend you’re not there if I don’t know where you’re hiding, anyway. I’m going to go get that ugly lizard.”

    She motioned to the Pawniards, both of whom trained their sunken yellow eyes on her immediately. “Droog. Viddy. I expect I’m going to need backup. We’ll be lucky if that Dragoonian hasn’t nearly destroyed her cell by now. Sticking her in with that crazy Fairy should have helped things, but who knows. Perhaps the Temple won’t be the only thing needing rebuilding soon.”




    I fell to my knees as the dry heaves came; my scaly paws squelching across stone that had now become damp from my own vomit, and my claws digging small gouges into the floor in response to the spasms that still wracked my abdomen. My eyes squeezed shut, and hard coughs punctuated my hiccuping breaths while a few pained tears slid across the hard, reptilian skin of my face, stinging the cuts I’d sustained from my fall and causing an ache in my mouth around the area that had been bleeding upon my discovery. I felt my tongue slide out of my mouth and hang limply off to the side, the bitter taste of bile still lingering on it. I spat in an attempt to shake the disgusting flavor, no longer caring that it made me look even more like a beast.

    “There we go~! See, all better, aren’t we~?”

    I heard a laugh and felt a touch on my backside: a small and woody palm, accompanied by that airy, sing-song voice. The Jingle creature.

    “It should be good to know that all that venom’s gone, huh~?”

    I hated her.

    "Get your damn hand off of me," I managed to croak in response, groaning as the nausea finally subsided. "I don't know what it is that you told me to eat, but I know I'm never touching it again.”

    Despite my hard tone of voice, the only response I got was more lighthearted laughter; more fuel for the rage that was slowly building up to replace all the pain and nausea I’d been feeling only moments before. Feeling a burst of power from somewhere within me, I managed to yank myself to my feet, eyes hard as my new body moved fluidly, cocking back a fistful of glowing red claws as I turned toward that crazy cotton sheep. I didn’t know how or why my hand was doing what it was doing, but I didn’t care. All I wanted was to get out of here and for that maniac to pay what she’d done to me.

    Jingle seemed to sense my intentions, showing that she did have at least a small semblance of sanity by shutting her mouth at last. However, she still had that stupid grin on her face as her amber eyes followed my arm all the way up to my fist...before she promptly burst into laughter again.

    “Silly girl! You really don’t know anything about our world, do you~? Otherwise, you would know that I’m a Fairy and can’t be harmed by your blazing Dragon claws~.”

    Of course I don’t know anything about this world! I wanted to scream at her. I was dropped here with vague instructions and inexplicably right into the center of some freaky pumpkin-ghost’s temple! And now, I’m a monster, have been locked up in jail, and you just made me sick! I have no idea what’s going on, and I want some answers before I tell that voice I heard to shove it where the good Lord’s sun doesn’t shine and be gone!

    My fist didn’t move. Whatever primal force that was controlling my actions kept it poised in the air, pointed straight between the Jingle-creature’s eyes;...a lethal blow. Or at the very least, it should be. She didn’t seem afraid, however; only bemused as she watched my claws continue to seethe with red energy. Was she telling the truth? Could I really not hurt her with this power...whatever it was?

    “...Heal Seeds have a ten percent chance of producing an emetic effect, especially when used for a poisoning,” Jingle finally replied softly. In this tone of voice, the sing-song pitch of it was lost, though it was still airy and pleasant to listen to. Even though I currently wished a plague upon her and her own, the part of me that liked to hear her talk wanted her to continue even though I was threatening her. “You just so happened to land that ten percent chance. Look at yourself, Cyrena. Do you really think that you would be standing right now if you were still as burned and poisoned as you were~?”

    My fist dropped a bit...I suddenly noticing the searing pain from my backside was indeed gone...faded with the nausea. True, my head still hurt and I still ached in ways that told me I was covered in cuts and bruises, but the burning and the fatiguethose two things had inexplicably vanished.

    "You're going to need an Oran berry for the rest, though Jingle’s afraid she doesn’t have one of those on her." Jingle explained, raising a woody paw to my face. She brushed a hand over the aching, sore spot just outside the corners of my upper lips. "And...we can't fix your tusks~. The least we could do is get the blacksmith to put a cap over them, but Jingle still very much doubts they would be willing to help you at the moment~.”

    Yeah, because that was comforting.

    My hand finally fell back to my side, the glow from my claws fading slowly. The creature in front of me was still smiling, but what I saw in her eyes was a totally different expression: pity.

    She felt sorry for me. As if she had a hand in turning me into this monster, as if she'd helped place me in this cell. For all I knew, she probably did have something to do with everything that was going on, but since she seemed to be showing at least a hint of regret and trying to help me understand at least some of it...I supposed I could look past that for the moment and give the crazy creature another chance.

    “...How do you know about all this?” I asked softly, moving away from where from the slick, stinking area where I had knelt only moments before and into a drier corner of the cell as Jingle drifted after me, keeping her own feet from touching the floor by suspending herself in the air.

    “The Pepans are a social tribe, and Jingle hears many things the Pokemon of this city whisper to each other~,” she replied mysteriously, reaching a hand into the cotton covering her head and scratching at the base of one of her curled horns. “Not to mention the sound you made was enormous, like the felling of a huge tree~. Jingle believes even the lord of the town heard it from his manor~!”

    I could only imagine. I guess that makes one more creature--they were called Pokemon, apparently--that hates me. I could feel my face take on a bitter expression, one that was met with a giggle from my cellmate as she affectionately placed her free hand on my shoulder, taking care not to aggravate whatever injuries had marked it up.

    “And my name?” I asked, finally asking the question that had burned in my mind since the moment she spoke it. “I haven’t once told you what my name was, yet you still know it. Why?”

    “Now, now, one thing at a time~,” Jingle giggled lightly, completely avoiding the question. “Jingle has her means of finding things out, but for your sake, just accept that Jingle is very good at guessing names, alright~?” She nodded once, not waiting for my response. “Jingle does want you to know, however, that she is only here to help you. No more, no less. You started walking along a certain limb of Xerneas’s Tree of Life, and your branch happened to intertwine with Jingle’s...so, Jingle feels it is her duty to help you balance~.”

    “I have no idea what you just said.”

    “You will learn, my dear Dragoonian friend~.”

    Suddenly, the two of us fell silent as a heavy metal door clanged open somewhere down the hallway. There was a quick exchange of words, first from the (presumably Pepan) guards I had heard speaking among themselves all morning, then from an unfamiliar voice that was deep and harsh, yet presumably female. I didn’t hear the whole conversation, but it seemed to me as if the harsh female voice had expected me to destroy my cell during my stay here...apparently, my new species has a history of being that powerful. I looked around at the cell I had been sharing with Jingle. Well...it certainly isn't as tidy as it was before...and it stinks; no thanks to that healing seed Jingle had me eat. But it’s not exactly destroyed. I guess I managed not to screw that up for myself.

    Meanwhile, Jingle’s smile widened at the fast-approaching footsteps of my captors, lapsing into a fit of giggles and babbling random nonsense to herself as the yellowish glow emitted from the black rinds of the pumpkin-ghosts grew brighter, illuminating the humid darkness of the dungeon cell I was kept in.

    There were five creatures in the party that had come to retrieve me. Two were the pumpkin-ghosts who had brought me here; the peach-colored specters whom Jingle had been calling Pepans. They were big, as opposed to the tiny little one who had cried for my death and had ordered me to be locked away in here, and had far less gold adornments than he had (which lead me to believe that perhaps the rgold was a symbol of status). Two more were Pokemon I hadn’t seen yet: two small, humanoid creatures covered head to toe in curved blades. They appeared to be wearing helmets of some sort, and yellow eyes peeked up from
    underneath their brims. Their hands had no fingers and instead seemed to consist of a single steel claw, and they both crossed their arms in front of them, wearing twin sullen expressions as the figure in the center stepped forward.

    “Get up, Dragoon!”

    She was the biggest frog I’d ever seen. Standing at full height she had to be over 6 feet tall, and everything about her seemed to be specially designed to make her seem even bigger: from the bright orange throat sac that puffed out from her chest with her breathed to the huge yellow eyes that seemed to give off a slight glow as they looked down on me with scorn. Needless to say, I was definitely startled at her appearance.

    "Go on! I said 'up'!"

    As quickly as I can, I rose from my sitting position to my feet, fear silencing me as the humanoids covered in blades movedmoves swiftly behind me, hurriedly binding my hands in what felt like iron shackles. One of my shoulders tightened with pain, causing me to hiss as the blade-studded guards worked me, testing the chains as if I fully intended to break them. Pah. Good luck with that. I'm lucky I'm standing right now.

    "Sheriff," one of the Pepan guards spoke up suddenly. "What of the Whimsicott? Is she finished in here?"

    The frog looked over at Jingle, who was cartwheeling through the air and spouting random words in her sing-song tone, a giggle occasionally escaping her as she did so. "...I think it's safe to conclude that she poses no immediate risk, so yes. I say let's just be done with her."

    She grimaced, turning briefly to look at Jingle's reeling form before shouting to her. "Hey! Quit spouting that nonsense, Twinkletoes, or I'll ship you back to the Yoseiian Territories where you belong!"

    Jingle only laughed and continued to sing, causing the massive frog to roll her eyes and turn her gaze to the Pepan. "Go ahead and release her. But contact the nearest asylum before doing so. She's not a spy, just out of her head."

    Finally, the bladed Pokemon finished locking me up and stood aside, allowing the sheriff to stride behind me and take over. As she passed, I got a good look at her hands and feet...the latter of which I remembered seeing while I was half-conscious and being escorted from the temple of that Hoopa god. So...it was the sheriff that poisoned me...her species must be venomous. Shortly after, I noticed the large, orange barbs striking out where her middle fingers should be, remembered the prick in my neck, and put two and two together. That makes sense. I must have just gotten enough to keep me from struggling. Okay. I guess I'm just glad she didn't feel the need to give me a lethal dose.

    Suddenly, I felt a rough shove from behind me, causing me to gasp as I involuntarily took a step forward to keep myself from falling on my face. My shoulder screamed from the sudden movement, but stopping just garnered me another push, and finally the frog spoke from behind.

    "Keep it moving! I've got some questions to ask you, and I'm not going to wait all day as you dawdle around here like a Slowpoke!"

    I grunted in reply, taking a shaky step on my own as the four of us: me, the sheriff, and the two bladed humanoids, slowly proceed out of the dungeon cell, the airy whistle of Jingle's voice following me up the stairs, until the iron door shut behind us and I could hear it no more.
    I have claimed Nuzleaf

    Current Chapter Progress: Chapter IV, 10% complete
    Second Place: Best Pokemon-Centric, 2013 Fanfiction Awards
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    And so a new chapter is put up, and rather quickly too. I'm pretty impressed.

    But anyway, this was an interesting little chapter. We got a nice little perspective change from the main character and got to see some other Pokemon's views. And in doing so, we got to see some amusing dialogue, namely most of the encounters with Rikki-Tikki. I don't know what it is about him, but I just find his character so amusing and the reactions everybody have toward his attitude also make me laugh. It must be the name; the name is so silly that it naturally makes the character so amusing as well.

    Then finally, it's nice to see that Jingle actually can talk rather normally and not in her somewhat insane tone all the time. I found her entire scene with Cyrena when she explains a few things to be touching. It showed that she cared and somehow almost planned that they'd meet up, seeing as how she pretended to be insane after the guards went to grab Cyrena for questioning. She certainly was an interesting character and I almost hope we get to see her again, but I get the feeling that might not happen.

    I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter and await your next one.

    Credit to Brutaka for the epic banner and Haychel for the image on such banner.

  11. #11
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    As I said in the VM, I want to warn you that I've been told my reviews can come across as rather harsh. Possibly even rude. But it's because I find this story interesting that I'm even bothering to do this at all. So, with that said, on we go! ^_^'

    Prologue
    The swords pressed closer and the pink creature shook it's head fervently
    its
    However, the plea went unanswered, and it eventually silenced as
    ...it was eventually...
    Now the city had faded away to what appeared to be a snow-covered mountainside, and a piercing cold that surrounded my feet and ankles indicated to me that I was about ankle-deep in the white stuff, while a frigid mountain breeze shook the rest of my body.
    Independent Clause, Independent Clause, Dependant Clause,
    Three or more clauses in a single sentence yields a run-on sentence. There are a couple other examples of this throughout the rest of the prologue, but this one was noticeable.
    However, unlike the forest settlement that I had “visited” first, there was a huge crowd standing by a particularly large and ornate building; consisting of a variety of creatures of pale shades that seemed like they would be at home in the snow and ice.
    I don't think you can actually use a semicolon like that... Pretty sure, anyway.
    I see why you'd need it - you need to imply that the following description describes the crowd, not the building. But then why delay the description? In practice, description of an object should be as close to the object as we can get it. For instance, a sentence that would be structured better would go something like
    However, unlike the forest settlement that I had “visited” first, there was a huge crowd consisting of a variety of creatures of pale shades that seemed like they would be at home in the snow and ice standing by a particularly large and ornate building.

    It is still rather wordy in that regard, but it eliminates the use of the semicolon in that way.
    Angry shouts carried in the wind and just barely reached my ears...apparently, there was some sort of demonstration going on in this wintry hamlet.
    I'd remove the trailing dots, and make the second half its own sentence.
    All I wanted was to wake up. To know this whole mess was just a dream, however lucid it may have been.
    The second sentence is fragmented. Personally, I'd join the sentences with a dash. It might approach run-on territory in that case, but I think it'd read better.
    And then I was falling.
    And a nice way to end the Prologue.

    Okay, thoughts so far... There were only a couple things I noticed that I'll bother pointing out again.

    Most of the criticisms I have are simply grammatical. I noticed strange uses of semicolons at least twice. There were also very long sentences mixed with abruptly short ones. A few sentences seemed arranged in an entirely convoluted way.
    As a whole, I'm not sure if they are purely stylistic choices that I haven't seen commonly implemented or if they are legitimate errors. Either way, I noticed them while I was reading it. Are they over-look-able...? Yes, as long as you aren't that picky.

    We didn't get much reaction out of our protagonist in the Prologue. She was a rider in a theme park attraction, essentially. She was frightened by the brutal murder of a Skitty and she pointed out that she didn't recognize her own form... though that seemed like it would elicit a larger response. Other than that, there wasn't a whole lot else that she reacted to. That itself isn't necessarily bad. It just felt more like a movie trailer than a prologue.
    *shrug*
    I'm just rambling at this point. Onward!
    Chapter I
    After spending what seemed to be an eternity in pitch darkness, the light was definitely surprising to me, and as my pupils constricted painfully against the brightness, I could tell my eyes agreed.
    I had to stop at this one too, as this sentence noticeably has four clauses in it: dependant, independent, dependant, independent.
    I'd recommend splitting the sentence in half, though one of them might need restructuring to keep the flow of the words smooth.
    Reflexively, I shut my eyes as my hand went to my face, trying to brush away the dust as my ears rang from the impact I never felt--though thankfully, the rest of my body screamed in protest against my movements, proving painfully that I had once again regained normal functions.
    And this sentence is even longer, though it, too, has four clauses: Independent, dependent - independent, dependent.
    Remember, a sentence should limit itself to 2 clauses at the most.
    When I opened my eyes again, the dust had settled somewhat, and the first thing I could make out through the light shining through splintered timbers that had used to hold up the roof I’d crashed through was the grinning face of some sort of horned creature, it's arms outstretched towards me as it balanced on top of a golden pedestal.
    And this one has five!
    Dependent, Independent, Independent Dependent, Dependent
    It was perched in such a position that made it obvious I must have knocked into it as well on my way down;
    More of a stylistic thing, but I think it'd sound better if it went "... that made it obvious that I must have..."
    I froze, afraid to take even the slightest breath for fear the pink, silver and gold idol would crush me where I lie...but after a few moments of staring into its cut emerald eyes, I felt confident that the statue, however precarious, was probably well-balanced enough to stay where it was.
    Independent, Dependent... Dependent, Independent.
    The trailing dots doesn't function as a full stop - just a pause for drama, etc - unless the next word as capitalized.
    As the ringing in my ears began to subside, I could make out voices coming towards me; angry, shouting voices that no doubt owned whatever this building was that had been so unfortunate as to break my fall.
    I'd say either a colon or a dash there instead of a semicolon. A semicolon functions like a comma followed by a conjunction, so that doesn't exactly work here.
    I still wasn’t quite sure if everything (except the falling of course) I’d experienced was real or not.
    Comma between "falling" and "of".
    I raised my head...and jolted as the rest of my body comes into focus.
    "came", not "comes".
    As a side note, I'm not sure if I'd use the ellipsis there, but that's entirely up to you.
    All of my limbs and the lower half of my body were now covered in scales, and an ugly shade of gray to boot.
    Commas are needed with conjunctions only in Independent, Independent Clause scenarios, not for Independent, Dependent ones. So if both sentences can stand alone, you need a comma. "An ugly shade of gray to boot" cannot stand on its own, so the comma is not needed here.
    My fingers and toes ended in nasty looking claws, and what wasn't ugly gray with the occasional brick-red spot was a drab shade of green, with the consistency of a thick, bony carapace that was not unlike that of a tortoise shell.
    "nasty-looking", I believe.
    There's also three clauses here, but the last clause there is comma-spliced with the middle clause. Though simply removing the comma there wouldn't fix it entirely.
    (how had I not felt those when I was rubbing at my face?)
    That's what I'm wondering, tbqh.
    Apparently, I wasn't the only one shocked by my new appearance, because in those moments of tense realization, the voices that had been crying for retribution not too long ago had also fallen silent...and then the tension broke when one of the voices let out a shrill, almost terrified cry.
    Independent, Dependent, Independent...Independent
    My(?) clawed feet skidded around underneath me, trying to find purchase on the tiled floor, and another blast of heat exploded against my back, knocking me off-balance again as I raised my head.
    Run-on: I,D,I,D
    I groaned as my eyes met those of the figure that has appeared infront of me...it was the peach-colored visage of one very pissed-off specter.
    Again, ellipsis aren't full-stops nor semi-colons. Also, "in front" is two words.
    my(?) neck unable to support it's weight without sending a shooting bolt of pain down my(?) backside.
    "its"
    Blood dripped from my(?) lips; however, since my mouth was closed and I couldn't taste it; I knew it wasn't coming from the inside.
    The second semicolon should be a comma, but the sentence as a whole is a run-on anyway: I;D;I
    What did I ever do to them?
    Gee, I wonder, haha.
    “Yes, sir,” one of my captors behind me spoke up, the noticeably deeper pitch of his voice leading me to imagine him being much larger; despite apparently being the same type of creature the one with the jewelry was.
    Overall, I'd personally end the sentence after "up", change "leading to "led", and remove the semicolon.
    Either way, that's still an incorrect use of a semicolon.
    Blood spattered across the floor from the unknown source all over my face
    "unknown source all over my face"?
    That doesn't sound quite right. If it was truly all over her face, it wouldn't exactly be unknown... Obviously, if there's blood, she must have some sort of cut on her face, the location of which she mentions as being unknown. If her whole face was bleeding, she wouldn't necessarily care for the location since an entirety of something would only have one possibly location. Am I making sense? Sometimes I wonder.
    as I tossed my head to the side to get some momentum; but predictably, in the end, the ghostly guards subdued me again and began to drag me from the rubble of the building I damaged...apparently some sort of temple.
    I believe that's an improper semicolon again (though its hard to say because it's before a conjunction here and I'm shaky with that last rule still), and that last phrase needs... something. Replacing the ellipsis with a dash might help, but it still feels incomplete.
    I then started to scream, but the noise that my mind was imagining and what actually left my throat ended up being two totally different sounds.
    I would imagine "I screamed, but..." would sound better than this because it's a more active phrase. Active phrases sound nicer and less convoluted. Generally speaking, anyway.
    They were intimidated, I’m sure; which was the exact opposite of what I’d been intending.
    Comma instead of semicolon.
    Hell, they scared me, not the other way around.
    Comma splice.
    However, I couldn’t really explain myself, giving as that it had taken all of my energy just to perform that one action.
    I do believe it's "given" rather than "giving".
    While it didn’t seem like the specter wanted to bark any more orders or hurl any more unfounded insults at me, there were a few flashes of bright light in my peripheral, and I didn’t look up to see where they were coming from.
    Run-on: D, I, I
    Shortly after, they ended and a pair of spurred blue legs with orange middle toes appeared in front of me, and I felt a small prick in my neck.
    Run-on: I, I, I
    Then the last thing I knew, I was engulfed with black unconsciousness that at this point was starting to become very familiar.
    I wouldn't say it was the last thing she knew. She didn't die. Certainly the next thing, but I wouldn't say it was the last thing.
    Rather, I had been moved to a plain stone cell lit only by a barred window, which was far too high over my head for me to reach.
    "plain, stone cell"
    Also, remove the comma before "which".
    By the sounds of it, there were guards outside my cell, but they had either stopped talking to each other or were patrolling periodically, as the conversation that I had heard upon waking was no longer continuing.
    Run-on: I,I,D,I
    Technically, the second clause couldn't stand on its own, but it's one complete idea. I'll call it Independent for this reason.
    My body was still sore, but at least it wasn’t crippling to move, and I took the opportunity to rise and stand on the clawed feet that I still wasn’t sure were mine to get a better look at my new surroundings.
    Run-on: I,I,I,D D
    The moment I was upright, the world suddenly tilted and my stomach seized with nausea, pitching me forward onto my hands and knees as I fought hard to keep down the bile that was rapidly rising in my throat.
    You need a comma after "tilted", but it's a run-on anyway: I,I,D,D
    Please note that I'm ignoring phrases when listing out the clauses
    I started growling--a low, guttural sound that scared me nearly as much as the roaring at the pumpkin-ghost had; but this time, I meant it.
    The "a low, guttural sound that scared me nearly as much as the roaring at the pumpkin-ghost had" started with a dash. If that's the case, it acts like a parenthetical and should similarly end with a dash if it isn't the end of a sentence.
    "You want to take a shot at me too? Join the club. Maybe dying is the only way I could rid myself of this hideous reptilian hide."
    Multiple adjectives need commas between them, so it should be "hideous, reptilian hide".

    The only exception if when the adjective attaches itself like in "black coffee".
    To clarify, a "reptilian hide" is a hide that is reptilian, a "cow hide" is a hide that bovid, "blue coffee" is coffee that is blue, but "black coffee" is the name of a kind of coffee.
    i.e. "hot black coffee" and "hot, blue coffee"

    I don't know where you'd find blue coffee, but idgaf
    There was silence from the other voice for a moment, and then it burst out laughing: a light, airy, and carefree sound as a pair of orange eyes appeared above me from the darkness, drifting slowly down as if it were gliding towards me.
    This sentence is a run-on but also relatively mal-structured. The first two clauses are both independent, so those alone should be the entirety of the sentence. But then you have this colon parasitically joining that complete sentence with fragmented clause and two more dependent clauses. So instead of a colon, there should be a period. Then, you need to restructure the second half to make it complete and not fragmented.
    My best suggestion would be:
    "There was silence from the other voice for a moment, and then it burst out laughing. The light, airy, and carefree sound pervaded the cell as a pair of orange eyes appeared above me from the darkness. They drifting slowly down as if they were gliding towards me."
    I’d had quite enough of that for the time being, thank you very much.
    I feel that last bit is too informal to be used outside of dialogue/thought, even for 1st person.

    seemed as if this creature’s body were almost entirely surrounded by a very large cotton ball.
    "was", not "were". We've only got one puffball to deal with, fortunately, haha.

    “Ohohoho...just as Jingle thought. You look even worse up close~,” the flying sheep-thing giggled, drifting around me as I started to double back over onto my side, moaning and clutching at my stomach.
    Run-on: I,D,D

    White completely blocked my vision when I managed to pull myself out of my head and back into the dungeon cell I was trapped in; it took me a moment to realize that I was facing Jingle’s backside before her almost musical voice chimed in again...it would probably be rather easy to listen to if I didn’t feel like I wanted to toss my cookies all over this mildewy hole.
    Run-on: I,D;I,D...I

    Also, as a side note, "mildewy" isn't a word, although that's never stopped anyone before. Though if you did want real description, "mildew-ridden", "mildew-infested", or "moldy" all work.
    I didn't see hard malice in her eyes like I had seen in the pumpkin-ghost; so perhaps she really was trying to help me...in her own weird little way.
    Comma instead of semicolon.
    Never before in my life had I felt so embarrassed to be doing something...I was so mortified even the pain and nausea was an afterthought!
    Really? How do you know with amnesia? /shot
    Joke aside, space between the ellipsis and the "I" to emphasize a start of a new sentence. and it should be "were" instead of "was".
    Okay...so that giant horned demon is called Hoopa.
    So it should be either "giant-horned demon" or "giant, horned demon". I imagine you mean the last of these two though.
    Must be what these "Pepan" characters call God.
    Sentences like this are okay in dialogue, but typically not narration. Even 1st person. i.e. "That must be. . ." or "It must be. . ."
    My claws scraped against something caught in Jingle's cotton, and without wasting time for gentleness, I pulled it out, taking care not to snag my claws as I did so.
    Run-on: I,D,I,D
    The object was a gold-colored seed about the size of my palm, reminiscint of a large sunflower seed in shape.
    It's spelled "reminiscent", if I'm correct.

    So after a few moments of contemplation, steeled myself, and popped the seed in my mouth and bit down.
    "I" before "steeled", remove the "and" before "popped" and put a comma after "mouth".


    Okay, end of chapter one.
    So far, it seems like your two biggest issues are both grammatical: run-ons and semicolons.
    Run-on sentences are usually pretty easy to spot. The easiest ones use a conjunction to join clauses together twice or more in a single sentence. As well as if you have three or more actions in a sentence (except in a list of actions).
    It typically comes down the number of clauses in a sentence. You should only ever have two clauses at the most in a single sentence. Grammar rules aren't the most rigid in the world, so you can make elegant-sounding three clauses sentences and get away with it. This is near-impossible to do with four clauses though.
    For simplicity's sake, an independent clause can stand on its own as its own sentence. A Dependant clause cannot.
    When joining two independent clauses, you can use a comma followed by a conjunction (and, but, yet, so, for) or a simple semicolon. You can also use a dash, though these are more informal than a semicolon.
    When joining an independent clause and dependent clause, you can use a conjunction without a comma, but you cannot use a semicolon. Depending on the sentence, you can use a comma by itself as well. But make sure to avoid comma splices.
    If you need detailed descriptions of the various clauses, this article should do just fine.

    A semicolon, as I mentioned above, is usually used to join two independent clauses. It functions like a comma followed by a conjunction does, and cannot be used in the place of a simple comma or colon.
    Additionally, less often, they can be used to join lists together to make a list of lists. A super list, as it's called.
    Lastly, you can use a semicolon followed by a conjunction to join two independent clauses when the first clause has several commas in it. However, I don't ever see anyone using this rule.

    Anyway, let's keep going.

    Chapter II
    Actually, so before I get into Ch2, I admit that I was confused at this first part.

    It's in third person.

    The rest of your story so far is in first person, but this part is in third.

    The reason it doesn't make sense and I have an issue with it is because in first person stories, the main character is telling the story through their eyes. They are telling you this story. So when you have stuff, part of the story in which the character wasn't there for, it doesn't make sense and it feels out of context and somewhat jarring.
    You really can't go changing your PoV at will in a story. Just imagine what would happen if you switched between 1st and 2nd? Or 2nd and 3rd?
    "Okay, so do you mind running this whole big incident by me again?
    Comma between "whole" and "big".
    Her bemused expression stood in mocking contrast to the two Pepan officials fuming just a few feet in front of her, and in the back, two of her most trusted officers, a pair of Pawniard brothers from the Exetan Territories, stood at rapt attention, awaiting her orders just in case these blustering gourds decided to get sassy with her.
    Run-on: I,I,D
    Rikki Tikki the Miniscule
    They should sing songs of this individual, simply for that name. /shot
    She never really liked this particular Pepan, but it gave Rochelle a bit of comfort to know that with him delegated to such a lowly little corner of his king's outer realm, she couldn't be the only one who thought so.
    Run-on/comma splice, but it's easily fixed by replace the second comma with a period and starting a new sentence.
    This time, it was the larger Gourgeist who spoke; Elgor Rinkus, High Priest of the Great Temple.
    Colon, not semicolon.
    (more understandably so than the sheriff felt Tikki had any right to be),the slightly larger specimen of the Pepos tribe had definitely managed to compose himself since he'd first set foot on the temple grounds...
    Space between the comma and "the", just after the parenthetical.
    “...I’ll take my leave, then,” Tikki mumbled, turning swiftly on one of his peg legs and waddling out of Rochelle’s office, his many golden, hoop-like adornments jingling in time with his steps.
    Run-on: I,D,D
    denoted his status as the mischief god’s holy ‘mon.
    Abbreviating Pokemon like that is too informal for narration.
    He took a breath...an unneeded one, Rochelle noted, but she knew that it's something a lot of Ghost species did things like that in front of the living if only to assure them they were just like them in most ways...other than alive, that is.
    Apparently from having at least 3 clauses, the sentence also doesn't make any sense when read, particularity the part between "noted" and the ellipsis.
    She loomed over Rinkus in comparison, being much bigger than was usual her species, but the priest didn’t waver around her.
    Three clauses again, but "than was usual her species" doesn't read right.
    It was kind of intimidation she wanted; the kind of reputation that came with her position and what made Glenwood criminals stop landing their asses in her jail.
    A dash or even a colon would serve better than the semicolon there, and "It was kind of intimidation she wanted" doesn't sound right either.
    She motioned to the Pawniards, both of whom trained their sunken yellow eyes on her immediately.
    Comma between "sunken" and "yellow".
    I fell to my knees as the dry heaves came; my scaly paws squelching across stone that had now become damp from my own vomit, and my claws digging small gouges into the floor in response to the spasms that still wracked my abdomen.
    Run-on: I, I (Fragmented), I
    Starting a new sentence at the semicolon and fixing the fragmented middle clause would fix this.
    My eyes squeezed shut, and hard coughs punctuated my hiccuping breaths while a few pained tears slid across the hard, reptilian skin of my face, stinging the cuts I’d sustained from my fall and causing an ache in my mouth around the area that had been bleeding upon my discovery.
    *hiccupping
    Also, run-on: I,I,D,D
    Despite my hard tone of voice, the only response I got was more lighthearted laughter; more fuel for the rage that was slowly building up to replace all the pain and nausea I’d been feeling only moments before.
    Dash rather than semicolon.
    Could I really not hurt her with this power...whatever it was?
    Now that's strange. I never pictured the Fairy immunity to Dragon as working like that.
    My fist dropped a bit...I suddenly noticing the searing pain from my backside was indeed gone...faded with the nausea. True, my head still hurt and I still ached in ways that told me I was covered in cuts and bruises, but the burning and the fatiguethose two things had inexplicably vanished.
    Pretty sure you could use a dash between "fatigue" and "those".
    “...How do you know about all this?” I asked softly, moving away from where from the slick, stinking area where I had knelt only moments before and into a drier corner of the cell as Jingle drifted after me, keeping her own feet from touching the floor by suspending herself in the air.
    "from where from"?
    Also, run-on: I,D,D,D
    I could feel my face take on a bitter expression, one that was met with a giggle from my cellmate as she affectionately placed her free hand on my shoulder, taking care not to aggravate whatever injuries had marked it up.
    Run-on: I,D,D
    “I have no idea what you just said.”
    *nods in agreement*
    Well...it certainly isn't as tidy as it was before...and it stinks; no thanks to that healing seed Jingle had me eat. But it’s not exactly destroyed.
    Whoa there, you managed to switch to present tense right here.
    Meanwhile, Jingle’s smile widened at the fast-approaching footsteps of my captors, lapsing into a fit of giggles and babbling random nonsense to herself as the yellowish glow emitted from the black rinds of the pumpkin-ghosts grew brighter, illuminating the humid darkness of the dungeon cell I was kept in.
    Run-on: I,D D,D
    Two were the pumpkin-ghosts who had brought me here; the peach-colored specters whom Jingle had been calling Pepans.
    Semicolons must join two independent clauses, not an independent and dependent. Comma or a dash would do instead.
    They were big, as opposed to the tiny little one who had cried for my death and had ordered me to be locked away in here, and had far less gold adornments than he had (which lead me to believe that perhaps the rgold was a symbol of status).
    Run-on: I,D,D,I
    Also, comma between "tiny" and "little".
    Also also, "rgold"?
    They appeared to be wearing helmets of some sort, and yellow eyes peeked up from
    underneath their brims.
    Not sure why there's a line break here.
    Their hands had no fingers and instead seemed to consist of a single steel claw, and they both crossed their arms in front of them, wearing twin sullen expressions as the figure in the center stepped forward.
    Run-on: I,D,I,D
    As quickly as I can, I rose from my sitting position to my feet, fear silencing me as the humanoids covered in blades movedmoves swiftly behind me, hurriedly binding my hands in what felt like iron shackles.
    "As quickly as I could"
    Also, "movedmoves"? I'm sure "moved" is good enough, haha.
    And lastly, run-on: I,D,D
    One of my shoulders tightened with pain, causing me to hiss as the blade-studded guards worked me, testing the chains as if I fully intended to break them.
    Random extra space (or arguably, a missing word) between "worked" and "me" as well as run-on: I,D,D
    The frog looked over at Jingle, who was cartwheeling through the air and spouting random words in her sing-song tone, a giggle occasionally escaping her as she did so.
    Run-on: I,D,D
    That makes sense.
    *made
    My shoulder screamed from the sudden movement, but stopping just garnered me another push, and finally the frog spoke from behind.
    Run-on: I,I,I
    Also, comma after "finally".
    I grunted in reply, taking a shaky step on my own as the four of us: me, the sheriff, and the two bladed humanoids, slowly proceed out of the dungeon cell, the airy whistle of Jingle's voice following me up the stairs, until the iron door shut behind us and I could hear it no more.
    Run-on: I,D:I,D,D
    And remove the comma after "stairs".


    *phew*
    That took a really long time D:
    Anyway, like I said between Chapters 1 & 2, your biggest problem seems to be with run on sentences. (as well as getting loose with very simple mistakes there at the end) Which is why I said I'd like to beta your next chapter.

    I'm not very good at write long, overarching plot reviews, especially with only two chapters to work with, but it looks interesting, as I said at the start. But there are a lot of mistakes in here that can go a long way to making this sound better. They aren't hard though, so at least there's that.

    But yeah, this is the 11th page of this review, and I don't know if I have anything left to say! So I'll say this: No hard feelings, and I await Ch3 with anticipation.
    Last edited by Brutaka; 4th July 2014 at 5:25 PM.
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