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Thread: Price of Freedom (revision 2)

  1. #1
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    Talking Price of Freedom (revision 2)

    ***
    Price of Freedom


    All right! This is my second try for Price of Freedom, I do hope you all like it!

    Now, Price of Freedom is going to be long. Yes, quite long. It's also going to be fully posted in this thread, no more stopping-and-making-new-thread-because-it-sucks things. If I find I want to edit, I'll do just that, even if there are drastic changes. Price of Freedom is going to be finished here, so if you want to read everything, rest assured you WILL read everything. Bare with me, folks.

    It is also the same basic plot as the last one, revised to a practically unrecognizable state. So, don't give anything away if you've read my first try. (I know it's hard!)

    Now.
    Let's play a game, shall we? It's the repeat after Chareon game! Now, repeat after me: This is not a journey fic. *waits for response* Okay, now: This is an original trainer fic/legendary fic. *listens to readers say "This is an original trainer fic slash legendary fic"* Heh. Now that you've learned those two lessons in a fun educational environment, let's move on.


    ***


    PM List:


    Chibi Pika
    Blue_Mew22
    Libie
    Demi
    shadowlight
    duncan


    ***


    Rating in General: I'd have to say... Pg 13. Maybe Pg 14, if it matters. Not much blood, no cursing (how vulgar), but maybe some romance. That remains to be seen.

    Disclaimer: I do not claim to own Pokemon or anything, but I do claim my plot, characters, and some of my settings as my own. So no stealing. *bares fangs* Or I shall have to hunt you down.


    ***


    Chapter Links


    Introduction (scroll down a bit...)

    Chapter 1

    Chapter 2

    Chapter 3

    Chapter 4

    Chapter 5



    ***


    So, here's the introduction. Yes, I know it's short. It's supposed to be. It's an introduction. You don't dive into introductions expecting them to be as long as chapters. Introductions serve to give BRIEF insight into the plot. Don't worry, the actual chapters will be long and juicy. ^_^
    Oh, and those really long, boring looking paragraphs at the beginning of the intro? They really aren't boring. Or really that long, for that matter. Please, just read them!

    Now, to the fun stuff!


    ***



    Introduction



    “I tell you, they are taking advantage of us!” A voice, filled with anger and hatred, rang through the woods like the song of a clear brazen bell. “We have to put a stop to this!” The follow up was softer, though, more pleading and more reminiscent of the wind rushing through the trees. The creature who had spoken was standing defiantly in the shadow of a towering pine tree, bristling with anger. Her angled eyes glinted, her blue and white speckled coat accentuating their deep amethyst color. Her twin tails rippled along either side of her as if by an invisible wind, as well as the violet cape sprouting from the nape of her neck. She shook her head irritably, her blue, diamond shaped crest glittering. Her slender wolf-like body and condescending air proved her the incarnation of storms, of waves, of wind.

    “I know,” came the response, a deep earthshaking growl, “Too long has this gone on. But what can we do? There are only three of us.” He stood in the sunlight, reveling in the heat of the day. His thick brown legs seemed as trees sprouting from the earth, pillars holding up his mighty body. The crown sprouting from his brow added to his majestic bearing, his red plated whiskers and long, luxurious mane as well. As with the wolf standing near him, a cape billowed out by his back, white and cloud-like; his was not stirred of his own doing, though. Pale, spiky ridges, like mountains, sprouted from his sides. He was the incarnation of fire, of earth, of anything between.

    “We could recruit our cousins, any of them. I’m sure they are feeling the same way.” The she-wolf spoke again, her voice a growl.

    “Never.” The last of the trio finally spoke up, in a mellow voice that held just an edge of an electric crackle that could strike out at any time. His power held sway over the leftovers of the other two, the incarnation of lightning, of light, of the power in thunder. His yellow and black striped body was configured more like a cat, with sharp claws and long, knife-like fangs. Catlike eyes peered past the stiff white whiskers and the black, helmet-like forehead of his face, while a purple cape and white zigzag tail completed his features. “What would our Mother say if she heard such things? Never shall we go against the people. This is only temporary, to be waited out by those smart enough to understand!”

    “Mother isn’t here right now!” The wind stirring the wolf’s cape became a violent storm, centered around her. Not a bit of her wind struck the tree next to her, though, for her wrath was her own for now. “She’s probably hiding under the ocean, or in a cave, or something of the like! She could care less about us and our problems!”

    “Not true!” the lightning-cat shot back. “She would never leave us when we’re in trouble. You know she always appears to straighten things out!” His voice crashed like thunder around the clearing.

    The fire-dog stepped forward. “Maybe not this time. Perhaps she will sleep too long.”

    “Exactly,” the storm wolf cried. “We can’t always rely on her. We can always fall back on her if we must, but we have to step out on our own! Even Entei agrees with me, we must do what we see fit!” The fiery dog nodded calmly in acquiescence.

    “Mother will fix it, if we just be patient and wait. We mustn’t do anything brash, Suicune,” the tiger had calmed down somewhat, and was now trying to appeal to the wolf’s rational side. “Not everything in the world can be fixed by a fight.”

    For the first time, Suicune looked speechless. She opened her mouth as if to respond, but instead, she snapped it shut and looked thoughtful.

    “This can,” Now the brawny dog gave Suicune a glance that put the spark of rebellion back in her eyes, causing her to forget her rational thoughts. “You know it too, Raikou. You know we are right.”

    “Let us summon our cousins, and make our plans for war!” howled Suicune, as easily swayed as the waves by the wind.

    Raikou looked back and forth between his insistent brother, Entei, and his eager sister, Suicune. Finally, with a sigh, he nodded his assent.

    The war had begun.

    ***

    She opened her eyes, knowing the time had come. The Mother, the Creator, the Protector, all names that did not befit the small figure they applied to. Her name did, though. Mew.

    That name definitely suited her. The noise a baby cat makes as it squirms and wriggles by its mother’s side. Or at least, the sound it made before the cataclysm. Now it would be the sound a baby meowth makes near its mother’s side.

    She stretched and yawned, her slender, pink, cat-like body as supple as a whip. Yet she heaved a sigh, one filled with all the sorrow of a mother thinking of her lost young ones. Because that’s what she was. That’s what she was doing.

    She pushed those thoughts away, focusing on the present. She had work to do. Lots of work. And she couldn't be late in doing it. The unrest had already begun to spread.

    She closed her large, cerulean blue eyes, opening her other eye, her minds eye. She peered out into the world, searching for one mind in particular.

    There! She found it. The mind was undeveloped, the kind that usually belonged to a small child. Which it did. A star-crossed young girl of about six.

    Mew smiled to herself, happy. It was perfect. She knew exactly what to do. She turned her mind’s eye to the future, following the path she wanted to take out to the end. She flinched as the ending hit her like a stone wall. It would work, oh yes, it would work.

    But was she really willing to pay the price?



    ***



    SO LIKE.
    THE INTRO'S OVER.


    *cough* Ahem... anyways.

    Like it? No? Reply, please, constructive criticism is welcome!

    As soon as I get more readers, I will also start a Private Message list, in case you want to be notified when each chapter goes up. Just let me know in your posts if you do!

    Yay! Revisions are fun!

    ~Chareon
    Last edited by Chareon; 27th September 2007 at 1:40 AM.




    Thanks to my uber awesome cousin Chibi Pika for the banner!
    Perish Song : One Shot
    Change of Fate : Finished!
    Onward and Upward : Needs reviews!
    Truth be Told : Soon to be posted. ^.^

  2. #2
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    Hm I've always seen Entei as a lion, but it's nice someone writing about the trio does aknowledge Raikou is a tiger/sabertoothed cat. So kudos to you for that.

    Overall this seems to be an interesting story, or atleast the makings of it. I don't see many errors, and it flowed pretty well throughout the fic ... so keep up the good work.

  3. #3
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    Hmm... Entei as a lion... Nice thought. Later in the story, he is more leonine than canine, but as of now, he's a dog. Yes, other than his mane, his configuration hints towards dog.

    Thanks for the review. Thanks muchly! *smiles* Good reviews for intros are good, foreshadows well for the rest of the story.

    The next chapter will be a while coming, though. Maybe two weeks or so.

    Yar.

    ~Chareon




    Thanks to my uber awesome cousin Chibi Pika for the banner!
    Perish Song : One Shot
    Change of Fate : Finished!
    Onward and Upward : Needs reviews!
    Truth be Told : Soon to be posted. ^.^

  4. #4
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    this is a lot better then the frist intro Chareon, keep going.

    Demy

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  5. #5
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    Wink

    Uhh... Thanks, Demy, but... Please make your replies longer and more in depth. It makes me happy to know you still like my fic, but I would like to know WHY you like it, what parts are good, and what parts need work. That's what authors look for and are delighted with.

    But thank you for the reply, and I look foreward to your future reviews.

    Chapter One will be up this weekend.

    ~Chareon




    Thanks to my uber awesome cousin Chibi Pika for the banner!
    Perish Song : One Shot
    Change of Fate : Finished!
    Onward and Upward : Needs reviews!
    Truth be Told : Soon to be posted. ^.^

  6. #6
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    Ok , sorry I was sort of skimming though it sorry I was tied when I was reading it.

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    Hello there, you have a good fanfiction. I was delighted with the whole story.

    “Not everything in the world can be fixed by a fight.”
    Do you mind if I put this in my signature, with a link to your story with it? This is something that I've been trying to tell people for a long time.

    Individual Description

    I never see a lot of people pull off description with metaphors, and similes. Kudos for that, my fellow writer. Best of all, it was understandable. It wasn't too much, or too little. You have a good grasp of description.

    Plot

    It is too early to judge the plot, because it hasn't been thoroughly revealed yet, but everything so far was interesting.

    Grammar

    You have a good grasp of grammar as well. I didn't find one mistake, but I was too much in the story to notice.

    Character(Development)

    I could already see that Raikou is loyal, and the other two of the legendary trio think differently than it. Keep making differences in the characters, like you are doing.

    Advice

    All I can say is learn some new, yet comprehensible, words.

    For an example:

    plead=beseech
    violent storm= turbulent storm

    Also, try some adjectives as well as sensory details

    For example:

    “I know,” came the response, a deep earthshaking growl,
    Let us add one adjective to deepen the effect it will have on the reader.

    “I know,” came the response furiously, a deep earthshaking growl,
    That is all the advice I have to offer.

    I'm wondering why you haven't had anymore reviews. The way this story is written is so individual, yet acceptable, that everyone would love it if given a try.
    Proud to work with NASA

    Paired with aquajet16 <3

  8. #8
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    Hello, Silentvibrava!

    Do you mind if I put this in my signature, with a link to your story with it?
    Sure, go ahead. :3 I like that quote too...!

    “I know,” came the response furiously, a deep earthshaking growl,
    That'll be a good idea in the future, except that in this scene, Entei isn't furiuos. He rarely DOES get upset. That's just the way he talks. But I'll keep your idea for more adjectives in mind.

    I'm wondering why you haven't had anymore reviews. The way this story is written is so individual, yet acceptable, that everyone would love it if given a try.
    Heh. Yes, I agree... </endconceitedness> Just kidding. But anyways, thanks. You're a good morale booster.

    The next chapter will be posted as soon as I get one more review... *hinthint*

    ~Chareon




    Thanks to my uber awesome cousin Chibi Pika for the banner!
    Perish Song : One Shot
    Change of Fate : Finished!
    Onward and Upward : Needs reviews!
    Truth be Told : Soon to be posted. ^.^

  9. #9
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    Okayokayokayokay!!! Sorry it took so long!!! *crashes into thread on giant mystic Lugia plushy.*
    Silverwing: So...might I ask why you're replying NOW, at midnight, when you just as easily could have a week ago when Chareon was standing right next to your computer?
    ...

    Okay, okay, enough nonsense, on to the review!!!

    I said it before and I'll say it again: your descriptions = <3 I never use metaphors because I can never handle them effectively.

    I still think the first paragraph should be split. *shot* Yeah, just so other readers can know, I was the reson behind that "pargraph explanation" thingy. *shot again.* xP

    Plot!!! WAR!!!!! *spazz attack* Okay, I'm done. I can't remember what I thought the war was about before we had out little midnight secret plot discussion thingy...

    It's funny how the Legendaries from both PoF and LC have the same goal, but they just...go about it differently...with different intentions.
    Silverwing: Chibs, might I bring up this quote:
    Quote Originally Posted by Chareon
    CHIBI PIKA, how dare you put an ALMOST spoiler in MY thread!? That's just mean. Very very mean. 'Cause this is my thread. Myaaa! *sticks out tongue*
    Silverwing! That almost spoiler in CoF was your fault. And what I said here reveals nothing; NOTHING, I tell you!!! Mwahaha!


    I like the Mew part. I know you told me that one part was filled with plotty goodness, but you know me--Plot Bits make my head confuzzled. @_@
    Silverwing: Do you realize how contradictory that is? I swear, there is no way that you're LC's author.
    Myaa! >=P

    BTW, is it just coincidence, or am I thinking too hard? Miyah sounds like myaa. Or meow...if you say it really fast.
    Silverwing I bet you can't say it five times fast.
    Argh!!! No more spam, Silver!!!
    Zion: Chibi, you suck--this wasn't a review so much as incoherent rambling.

    Urk. >> *pulls out giant rubber stamp, stamps thread, and then quickly ends her spammish review.*

    "This thread hath been Chibified!"

    ~Chibi~


    Ever wondered what would happen if humans had the power to overthrow the Legendaries? To either use them for their own ends, or eliminate them altogether? One thing is for certain...the balance between human and Legendary is unstable.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    8/30/12: CHAPTER 7: “Into the Fire” POSTED!!!
    Chapter 8 progress: 9/12 pages


  10. #10
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    Talking Chapter 1!!!

    Wow... er... thank's for the review, Chibi Pika... I guess... Just kidding! Really, thanks. You say the first paragraph should be split? Where? As far as I can tell, my paragraph has the sam epurpose throughout, therefore making it a true-to-grammar paragraph... but perhaps it would flow better... *mumbles and goes to edit*

    Okay, men. And women. This is it. The big one, the one we’ve all been waiting for...
    (that’s from Harry Potter, in case you couldn’t tell. which you probably should, considering everyone has read those books. it fit... I just had to use it... *is knocked down a notch for using a Harry Potter quote in pokčmon fan fiction thread*)

    Er... anyways...

    READ THIS STUFF OR I SHALL HAVE TO THROW A PINEAPPLE AT YOU.

    Before I post chapter 1, I need to explain the way I do things. I suppose you all know how grammar works, but I shall go in to this anyways:

    When I was naught but a munchkin, my teacher told me that when you write ‘my mom,’ you don’t need to capitalize ‘mom’. But when you use the title ‘mom’ as a name, it just becomes ‘Mom’.

    I consider pokčmon animals, in a different sort of way, which you should also know.

    You are probably now wondering how these have any effect on each other, so I will explain now. You don’t write animal ‘Animal’ (capitalized) unless it is at the beginning of a sentence. Say I was to name an animal of any type ‘Animal,’ it goes without saying that I should capitalize it. So... When a pokčmon is called by its breed, say, ‘the charizard,’ I do not capitalize it. But if that was what I called it, as some trainers will do, I WILL capitalize it. Thus, ‘Use flamethrower, Charizard!’ No offence to the pokemon company. It's their stuff, and I'm not diminishing their products and creations in any way.

    This is just how I write. Yes, it is a change from the original Price of Freedom, but that is another reason I did a revision in the first place. The way I do this HAS AN EFFECT ON THE PLOT LATER ON. So, please, don’t criticize it.

    BUT... If you see an incorrect capitalization that goes against the aforesaid, don’t hesitate to notify me.

    One more thing. This is not a journey fic. Do you all remember that? Good. Please, don’t think I’m bossy or anything ‘cause of this. I’m just trying to cover all the bases so I don’t have to say it over and over again.

    ^^^^^ THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. IF YOU SKIMMED OVER THIS PART, GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS. NOW, ROLL DOUBLES AND READ IT AGAIN. Good job. Now you can read onward.

    *gets tomatoes thrown at for using a Monopoly line in a fan fiction thread* At least I didn’t get knocked down a notch... *gets knocked down a notch* Dang it!

    ^^ You don’t have to read that, though. I’m just babbling.

    All that being said, here’s the chapter.

    Rating: FIVE STAR!! Just kidding. It’s PG.

    Also, this chapter is a long‘un. Just thought I ought to mention... *gets tomatoes thrown at for delaying chappie post* Aargh... Okay, okay, here it is! (sheesh. such impatience...)



    CHAPTER 1


    “Happy Birthday, Miyah!” I nearly fell out of bed as I was rudely awakened by a extremely unwelcome shout. I sat up, blinking the sleep from my eyes.

    “Wh—what? Whozzat?” I peered groggily at the people who had awakened me from my slumber.

    “Happy birthday,” my dad repeated, a huge grin plastered across his features. His smile was somewhat like the words painted on the banner on my wall across from my bed, which stated the same announcement in bright, cheery letters. I was surprised to see it, for it meant that someone had been in my room without me hearing them. Usually I awoke with a start at the sound of anyone opening my door.

    “Rise and shine,” my mother added, “someone very special is here to see you!”

    I looked around. No, it wasn’t my grandpa, he lived with us. As I was about to ask who when my mom stepped aside, revealing a girl about my age who had a smile rivaling my fathers on her face.

    “Jaymi!” I yelled happily, leaping out of bed to snag her in a huge hug. Being 6 months older than me, she had left on a quest on her fifteenth birthday and I had not seen her since. She brushed a strand of her wispy blond hair out of her face and laughed at my surprise. One of the things I had always loved about Jaymi was her laugh. People say yawns are the most contagious thing there is, and I agree, but Jaymi’s laugh is a definite runner-up. I finally released her from my embrace, smiling.

    “Wow, you look so different! Have you caught any pokčmon yet? When did you get here? Where have you been? Oh, I’m so glad to see you!”

    Her eyes widened slightly, teasingly, at my bombardment of questions. “Oh, I don’t know,” she said lightheartedly. “I think I forget...”

    “Hey!”

    She looked on the verge of telling me everything when my dad interrupted. “Hey, how come we don’t get a hug?” He gestured to himself and to my mom and grandpa, who were trying their best to look depressed. They weren’t doing a very good job though, because they were overjoyed at how excited I was to see Jaymi. I rushed over and gave them each a big hug in turn.

    “So,” my grandpa said when I hugged him, “are you ready for some big adventures?”

    “Yeah,” my mom agreed, “what starter pokčmon are you gonna get?”

    Now it was my turn to go on a quest, like all fifteen year-olds. Three years and a few months ago, the old law had stated that twelve was the youngest age anyone could become a pokčmon trainer. That had changed. Now the minimum age was fifteen, and I was devastated. From that time onward, I had raided the public library and bookstore for any pokčmon books I could lay my hands on, determining that I would be the best trainer ever.

    It was only when my father had gently reminded me that there was more to being a trainer that books that I had dropped it, leaving my room a cluttered mess of books and magazines.

    My room was my pride and joy, the only thing I would be sorry to leave behind when I departed. The light sea foam green walls, the sky blue curtains, the ivy patterned bedspread, the many posters hung upon my walls, my lime green clock, the white lamps, doors and windows; all I would miss. I had even picked out my favorite pillow that I would bring along the previous night so I could have some memory of my bedroom. My parents had dubbed it “the den”, since I had spent most of my time locked up in it, with the windows and door shut, reading.

    “I’m not sure,” I answered, “probably a water pokčmon, though.” Water types had always been my favorite.

    “Ooh, like me?” Jaymi said. “I got a Squirtle as my starter pokčmon.”

    “Can we carry on with this discussion later?” My grandfather interrupted. “Miyah has some birthday presents to open!”

    “Cool!” I exclaimed as the five of us trooped out into the living room. I gasped when I saw that the entire coffee table was covered in presents, some even overflowing onto the beige carpet.

    “Happy fifteenth!” Jaymi said simply, grinning at the stunned look on my face.

    “It’s a special birthday, the day you leave us, so we wanted you to be well prepared,” added my dad. “Go ahead, open them up!”

    I did so with gusto, ripping off the wrapping paper to expose the presents within. Slowly, I revealed a new backpack with a bunch of handy pockets, a new belt with clips to hold pokčballs, six pokčballs, four potions, and antidote, some new clothes, and last of all, a pokčdex.

    I sighed as I cut it out f its plastic cover. I had been looking forward to getting one for so long that it almost seemed like a dream to finally be holding my own.

    “It’s perfect,” I murmured to myself, delighted. “Thank you!”

    “Now I can show you my pokčmon,” said Jaymi in the pause that followed, pulling out four pokčballs. “Come on out: Splash, Skitty, Wingull, Murkrow!”

    First to pop out of a pokčball was the squirtle, Splash. It was a small turtle-like creature, with a blue body and a hooked beak. In my opinion, it was quite ugly, but I held my tongue.

    In the next three flashes of light, a cute pink cat, a seagull, and a crow popped out, all at the same time. I looked at the skitty and wingull with interest, but when I turned to the murkrow...

    I had a strange feeling... almost like hatred combined with fear. It was almost like I had hidden instincts which decided to come forth at that moment. The middle of my forehead started to ache, making me dizzy. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, a shroud of blue mist blinded me, and I knew no more, except for an intense fury, and a strange burning sensation in my eyes...

    ***

    I regained consciousness slowly. I tried to move, to sit up and open my eyes, but to no avail. Deciding that I had nothing better to do, I started thinking.

    I couldn’t fathom what had happened, and strangely, I didn’t care. All I could think of was my dream. It felt like some unseen force was pushing me to think about it. So I did.

    The previous night, I had a dream. I had always had a dream the night before my birthday, the same one. It all started on my seventh birthday, when I had a dream about a girl walking through a forest. I thought nothing of it at the time, that is, until my next birthday.

    Then I had another dream about a young girl walking in a forest, the same exact dream, except in that dream, I got to watch a little longer. And so it continued, up until now, my fifteenth birthday. Now I knew that I had finished the dream.

    A young girl, possibly six in age, was walking in a forest. It was impossible to tell who she was because she was walking away, with her back turned. Suddenly, a pink, flying, cat-like pokčmon flew out of the trees and confronted her, giggling. As the awed girl reached out with her hand to touch her, Mew took her by surprise by ducking under her hand and poking her in the middle of her forehead with one stubby arm. As Mew flew away, giggling again, the words echoed around in her mind: “You are marked. We will meet again someday”. Suddenly the girl became frightened, and as she turned around to run away...

    ...I realized that it was me. I was the girl in my dream, in the dream that wasn’t a dream at all. It was a memory, my memory, of when I was six years old.

    I had run away, angry with my parents for some trifle. I had gotten lost in the woods, wandering around, and trying to find my way back. I was on the verge of tears when I heard a rustling noise. I walked over to check it out, and was confronted by Mew.

    I was pondering this, wondering what it meant and how it affected what had just happened just now, when I heard voices. They must have been arguing, because now they were louder than before, the reason I could hear them.

    Suddenly, I realized I could see slightly through the all enveloping blackness, though it was just a slit at the top of my face. I could also move. I was about to reach up and remove the blindfold when I heard voices.

    I had never really eavesdropped before but I figured these circumstances could warrant a little bit of it.

    I heard Grandpa laughing fit to burst, and this stood out to me the most considering my parents’ tones of voice.

    “She has the power!” gasped my grandpa in between bursts of laughter.

    “No, she doesn’t, she can't!” my dad disagreed.

    “How can you be so blind? You saw what happened!”

    “There must be another explanation!”

    “There isn't! Just face it, your plans didn’t work!”

    “Then what are we going to do?” added my mom, finally butting in.

    “There’s nothing we can do except have grandpa explain everything to her, I suppose.” My sighed, a sign that he had given up.

    I just couldn't take the suspense any more. I ripped off my blindfold and sat up, at which time everyone gasped in surprise that I was awake. “Explain what?” I demanded, “What’s going on here?!”

    My mom, who it turns out, was sitting next to me on the bed, stroked my sweaty forehead and brushed a few wet strands of hair out of my dark brown face. “Honey, just let Grandpa explain, okay? Everything will make sense in a little while.”

    I turned to Grandpa. “Well?”

    Grandpa wiped the tears of joy from his face and smiled at her. “This will take a while, so you might as well sit back and relax.”

    I obliged. I was too curious to do anything else; plus, my fluffy pillow was just the right treatment for my aching head.

    “Long ago...” My grandpa started to tell his tale with these exact words; the same he had started every other story he told me with. “...a group of scientists got together and figured that they could make a race of super humans by implanting pokčmon DNA in them. Everything failed, until one scientist mentioned that perhaps they should use the DNA of all pokčmon and inject it into humans. Everyone scorned the idea because they knew if you went and put too much DNA that wasn’t a human’s into a human, they would develop traits undesired for humans to have. The scientist who proposed this left the others in search of the one pokčmon who could fulfill his wish. Can you guess which that one was Miyah?”

    “Mew,” I breathed, finally understanding. They say Mew is the mother of all Pokčmon, holding all of the different pokčmons’ DNA within her small body.

    “Yes,” my grandpa smiled, proud I had worked it out so fast. Of course, I had just been thinking of her, so I suppose I cheated. He continued. “The scientist succeeded in getting a bit of Mew’s DNA and injecting it into three unrelated embryos. But the scientist’s work failed you see, or so he thought. The three embryos turned out to be normal humans, and the scientist died thinking his life was a failure. But, the three people’s children, on the other hand, each had an element that they had a sort of control over, just like pokčmon.”

    “Oh, I see, so I’m one of the people who have pokčmon powers? That means...” I tried to think around my aching head. “... so do you! What element did you get?”

    He smiled, raised his hand, concentrated hard, formed an ice cube in midair, caught it in his hand and handed it to me.

    “Ice, I assume?” I said, chomping on the ice cube. “What type am I then?”

    “You, my dear, are the one and only psychic-type human!”

    “What’s so special about psychic?” I asked. “And how come I am the only one?”

    “You’ve already answered your first question.”

    It was then that I realized how stupid my first question was, although I didn’t show how embarrassed I felt as I asked, “Well then what about my second question?”

    “Alas,” came his answer, “I have no idea.” Such a helpful answer!

    I thought for a second about what I had forgotten to think about earlier, and then asked, “What happened earlier? I can't remember.”

    “You went berserk,” he said simply. “All pokčmon of one type will always have a deep-rooted hatred for any pokčmon whose type is stronger than its own, such as fire hating water. Your instincts were aroused by the feeling of a dark-type pokčmon weaker than you, so you tried to attack it. Your parents are explaining everything to Jaymi as we speak, so she shouldn’t be that mad at you for nearly savaging her murkrow.”

    “I see,” I said, “but what exactly happened? What could I have done to a Pokčmon?”

    “Well...” said my grandpa, chewing on his shirt collar, just as he always did when he’s agitated. Whatever I had done, must have been really bad! “Your eyes started to glow, the blue glow of a psychic Pokčmon powering up. Then everything in the room was lifted up and started swirling around the room in a vortex around you and Murkrow, then you kind of...” He trailer off, swallowed, then said, “... directed all of the furniture and such at Murkrow, burying it, then you turned on us and the same thing would have happened to us if your mom hadn’t snuck up behind you and blindfolded you. Then you just kind of... fainted, just like an overworked Pokčmon, so we brought you back here, to your room.”

    “I'm sorry,” I said pathetically.

    “Don’t worry,” said my grandpa with a grin, “when I first encountered a low leveled fire Pokčmon, I froze everyone and everything around me in a twenty foot radius.”

    “So it’s normal?” I asked, relieved.

    “That part is.” said grandpa, “Here’s is the catch though: some scientists would kill to experiment on us, which we can't let happen. You must never tell anyone about or show anyone your powers.”

    I sat there, kind of just thinking about everything, until I realized my Grandpa was staring at me expectantly, although I didn’t quite know what he expected.

    “Okay, enough with the boring story-telling; let’s boogie down to the Professor’s and get you started on your journey!” said my dad, barging in, always the awkward silence saver.

    “Yay!” I said, happy once again, “but where’s Jaymi? I want to apologize.”

    I found Jaymi in the wrecked living room, perched on the edge of an overturned sofa. I approached her cautiously, suddenly afraid.

    The moment she turned around and saw me, I burst into uncontrollable tears and rushed over to her and hugged her, sobbing and apologizing over and over again.

    “Hey, Miyah, it’s okay, I forgive you!”

    I gave a start and looked at her. “Really?”

    “That’s what friends are for!” she replied, smiling. “Now let’s go get your pokčmon!”

    ***

    As we drove north to see the Professor, I was still trying to decide which starter I wanted. I knew that mudkip would be one of my top choices, along with cyndaquil. Although I didn’t much like cyndaquil, I loved its evolution, quilava.

    The Professor that we were going to was special. Instead of carrying just the three native starters for his continent, like the other Professors, he carried all nine. Even though the drive was longer to see him than the original Professor of Johto, Professor Elm, my family decided it was worth it to have all of the choices for me.

    “Aren't we there yet?” Ever the impatient one, my grandfather complained for what seemed the hundredth time.

    “Actually, yes,” our navigator, Jaymi, surprised us by saying. “His driveway is just a couple miles away to the right.”

    “Finally!” I said, excited to be one step closer to leaving on my journey.

    A couple of minutes later, we had pulled up to the professor’s house after crunching along his long, winding gravel driveway.

    As soon as I jumped out of the car, I ran up to the Professor’s door and knocked excitedly three times.

    “Yes?” He said as he opened the door. “Ah, Miyah, I presume? Come on in.”

    I grinned at my parents as we walked into a foyer-like room.

    “Miyah, come with me. The rest of you are free to make yourself at home right here,” the Professor said, beckoning me to follow him into an adjoining room.

    “Sit right there,” he ordered, pointing to an old velvet peach colored chair, “while I release the pokčballs in front of you.”

    “Okay,” I said, smiling at him.

    He returned the smile before turning and taking some pokčballs out of a box. His smile immediately disappeared as he counted them. “Um, I believe I'm missing cyndaquil, is that okay? If you want, I can reorder one but it will take me a couple of weeks.”

    “That’s okay, Professor,” I said. Even though cyndaquil was one of my top choices, I didn’t want to have to postpone my journey for one.

    “Oh, good,” the professor said, releasing the first five pokčballs at once, “Well, take your time!”

    The first pokčmon to emerge was a chicorita, a small, light-green colored dinosaur pokčmon with a leaf on its head and a necklace of flower buds sprouting on its neck.

    Next to emerge was a blue bipedal crocodile pokčmon. As soon as the totodile came out, the chicorita turned and whacked the totodile harshly on the head with its leaf. After blinking a couple of times to clear its head, the totodile turned and clamped its sharp teeth on the chicorita’s leg.

    While this was happening, the three Hoenn starters had emerged from their pokčballs and also started fighting; the torchic used ember on the treeko, the treeko used bullet seed on the mudkip, and the mudkip used water gun on the torchic.

    Since these attacks were all super-affective on the pokčmon they were used on, all three Hoenn starters winded up fainting.

    “Oh, dear!” exclaimed the Professor, “I'm so sorry! I forgot to send this batch out one at a time!” As the Professor said this, he dropped the last three pokčballs on the ground, and cursed loudly as they popped open.

    Out of one of the pokčballs came a bulbasaur, a blue frog with a bulb on its back. The bulbasaur immediately sent out long vines and started to try to pull the totodile and chikorita apart.

    Out of the next came a squirtle. To my disappointment, it turned its back on the melee, curled up, and started sleeping.

    Last to come out was a bipedal orange lizard with large expressive eyes and a small fire on the end of its tail. Unlike the rest of the pokčmon, the charmander turned its attention to me. Its expression seemed to say, “Please pick me! Just get me away from them, and I promise I will do anything for you! I will love you, and if it is your wish, I will fight for you until my last breath leaves my dying body!”

    I gasped as I heard this, for I realized that the charmander really had said that. I was just wondering why I understood, because I had never taken any pokčspeech lessons, but some loud laughing behind me interrupted my thoughts.

    I turned around to behold that my family and Jaymi had heard the ruckus and come to see what was happening.

    I tried my best to make myself heard over their laughter as I called, “Professor!” then louder, “PROFESSOR!!”

    At which point he stopped chasing the chikorita around the room and panted, “Yes?”

    “I’ll take the charmander,” I said, deciding on the spur of the moment.

    “Phew,” he sighed, recalling the other pokčmon. “Now I can get you your license for your Pokčdex. Come on, you two, follow me.” He beckoned to Charmander and me.

    Charmander shot me a look of pure happiness and gratitude as we made our way into the next room, which contained boxes of pokčdexes along with two computer-like machines. The Professor walked over to one of the machines and started typing.

    “How do you spell your name?” he asked, still typing.

    “M-i-y-a-h,” I said, then, as an afterthought, “A-s-e-n-t-i”

    “Okay,” he said, “When is your birthday?”

    “March 1st, 2021”

    “Hold on.” The Professor had been typing all of this information down on the computer as I spoke. A whirring sound was emitted from the machine, and then a disk popped out of it. The Professor took the disk, took my proferred Pokčdex, and proceeded to scan the disk into it.

    “Here you go, Miyah,” he said, handing me my Pokčdex. “Your pin number is 030121130047.”

    I stared at the number on the screen for a moment before I realized that the first part of the number was my birthday. The Professor noticed me staring blankly at the rest of it.

    “You are the thirteenth person (13) to get a charmander (004) from me (7).” He explained, pointing to each part in turn.

    “Why are you seven?” I asked, befuddled.

    “No idea,” he responded, chuckling. “The other Professors are one through three, but I just up and get some random number. Such is the curse of my prowess!” He put a hand to his forehead, feigning weariness.

    He then recalled the charmander to its pokčball and held it out in front of the pokčdex. The pokčdex made a beeping noise as the charmander’s stats were shown. A strange female mechanical voice read them off, “Charmander, male, level 5, moves known: Scratch, Growl, and Tackle. Charmander is the Lizard pokčmon. Obviously prefers hot places. When it rains, steam is said to sprout from the tip of its tail.”

    “Could you turn the voice off for me before we go please? It’s quite annoying.”

    The Professor laughed as he turned a switch at the back of the pokčdex. “Sure thing. Come now, its time for you to go. I have another appointment in a couple of minutes.” He escorted me back into the foyer-like room, which now seemed to me to be a cleverly disguised waiting room. My family and Jaymi had evidently come back in after seeing the ‘incident’ and were now standing up and shaking the Professor’s hand.

    “Bye!” We waved as we got into the car and began the long drive towards home.

    ***

    ^^ FIN.

    Well, What do you think? Good, no, maybe so?

    Like I said, this is a long chapter. One of the longer ones. But most of them are around six page on Microsoft Word, the lowest so far being four pages, the longest, ten. Without the entering between paragraphs, that is. So maybe some of them will have to be in two posts. That remains to be seen.

    *sigh* Please post nice, long, in depth reviews for the benefit of future readers and yours truly.

    Yay!

    ~Chareon
    Last edited by Chareon; 2nd December 2006 at 8:06 PM.




    Thanks to my uber awesome cousin Chibi Pika for the banner!
    Perish Song : One Shot
    Change of Fate : Finished!
    Onward and Upward : Needs reviews!
    Truth be Told : Soon to be posted. ^.^

  11. #11
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    I like it, I think it have improved isne the frist one.

    Demy

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  12. #12
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    Bwahahaha!!! *crashes into thread yet again.*
    Silverwing: Geez, at this rate the thread'll collapse by the third chapter.
    Speaking of the third chapter, you combined the first three into one this time around! The chappie didn't seem too long to me.

    And...and...you stole my pineapple!!!!!!

    Anywho, you already explained the whole capitalizing thing to me, and I didn't notice any inconsistancies. ... ...I always felt like I should have not capitalized Pokemon, but was too lazy to change. My excuse is that Talking Animals' species are captialized in Narnia, so...yeah.[/crappyexcusethatChibiuseswaytoooften] Actually, I captalize way to many things. >< Rockets, Legendaries as a term, Pokemon elements,

    Harry Potter quote!!! That I remember. But that I can't remember which part or book it's from! ><
    Rating: FIVE STAR!! Just kidding. It’s PG.
    xD That quote ftw. Best line ever.
    *Points and laughs* You got knocked down two notches! xD And now people are throwing tomatoes at you...you stole my tomatoes, too!!!
    Silverwing: I can't believe what I'm hearing. >> *knockes Chibi down three notches.*

    Alright, now to write something of quality.

    I actually had the old thread open while reading the new one so that I could pick out the new stuff. Its weird how sticking the three chapters into one, completely rewriting thee intro, moving the dream, and spoofing the desciption here and there made so much of a difference! In any case, when new readers come and see this instead of the original, they'll be much more likely to stick around.

    Unless they gets scared away by the super-human paragraph. People are fruits like that. >< Heck, JADE once got accused of mary-sue-ism. Readers are paranoid of that sort of thing. So... Anyone who flees of assuptions of 'sue-ism will have ME to seal with!!! Sic 'em, Zion!!!!
    Zion: *Snarls rabidly and shoots flames everywhere.*
    *Backs away slowly.*
    Silverwing: Brilliant Chibi, now you sent her on a rampage and scared away all the other readers.
    Ack, no!!! I can fix it! Everyone come baaack!!

    Chikorita got misspelled once.[/Random]

    Rereading the beginning makes the whole embryo thing make more sense now. *brain still spiraling from the mayor's lab explantaion.* So, a question--she's descended from one of the original experimental humans. How many generations back was that?

    Ahahahaha!!!!! Continuity issue!!!! *immature spazz* In the new one, she opens hew b-day presents and gets a Pokedex. But she also gets a Pokedex from the Professor, just like in the old one! xD

    Having the age limit at 15 makes way more sense than 12 *dies* Actually, the only reason I set the age limit at 12 for LC, was because anything higher would make some other characters too old. Even still...for quite awhile I've considered chagining it to 13. I just wondered how everyone would respond. ><

    Heehee, I like the "Radnom-number-Professor" quote. xP

    Now that you've explained Blaze's personality, his first quote is that much funnier. ^^

    Anyway...I can't wait to see how the rest ends up getting revised! ^^

    ~Chibi~


    Ever wondered what would happen if humans had the power to overthrow the Legendaries? To either use them for their own ends, or eliminate them altogether? One thing is for certain...the balance between human and Legendary is unstable.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    8/30/12: CHAPTER 7: “Into the Fire” POSTED!!!
    Chapter 8 progress: 9/12 pages


  13. #13
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    Talking

    Yay! Chibi Pika's long review of doom! I've been dying for one of those for a long time!!

    Speaking of the third chapter, you combined the first three into one this time around! The chappie didn't seem too long to me.
    Yeah... :3 Most of my chapters are either two in one or three in one now. I've just found better places to cut them off, that's all. *chuckles* Except for one. You know, the ten page one that was randomly inserted into the four page average PoF thread? I left that alone. *purrs*

    And...and...you stole my pineapple!!!!!!
    *glances around slyly* So what if I did? You gonna make sumthin' of it?
    In actuality, I've been saying "Or I'll whack you over the head with a pineapple" quite often. *gigglesnort* (<- heh. that's yours too!)

    *Points and laughs* You got knocked down two notches! xD And now people are throwing tomatoes at you...you stole my tomatoes, too!!!
    *is puzzled* I don't remember you having tomatoes thrown at you... I thought that came from Garfield?

    Ahahahaha!!!!! Continuity issue!!!! *immature spazz* In the new one, she opens hew b-day presents and gets a Pokedex. But she also gets a Pokedex from the Professor, just like in the old one! xD
    *screams* Oh no!! How could this happen? I've read and reread and revised and edited and double checked so many times that I could probably recite the whole fan fic by heart AND I MISS THAT???? *dies* *revives long enough to scurry away and fix error*

    Now that you've explained Blaze's personality, his first quote is that much funnier. ^^
    Hey, now... No subliminally bragging that I've told you WAYY too much about PoF! And ESPECIALLY no giving away stuff that the readers shouldn't know yet! *tsk tsk*

    Well... Now that I've responded to and analyzed every bit of Chibi Pika's post, does anyone have any questions? I can't answer things that are past chapter one, as of now, but feel free to clear things up if you need. A lot of things that aren't clear now will be later on, though, so I may tell you to wait! xP

    Also, anyone for the PM list? As of now, there are 0 people on it... Just tell me at the end of your posts if you want to be notified.

    Well, that's that. Buh bye! *leaves to fix broken parts of thread thanks to Chibi Pika crashing onto it so hard*

    ~Chareon




    Thanks to my uber awesome cousin Chibi Pika for the banner!
    Perish Song : One Shot
    Change of Fate : Finished!
    Onward and Upward : Needs reviews!
    Truth be Told : Soon to be posted. ^.^

  14. #14
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    Can I go on your PM list.

    Demy

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  15. #15
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    *nods coldly*

    PM list:
    Demy




    Thanks to my uber awesome cousin Chibi Pika for the banner!
    Perish Song : One Shot
    Change of Fate : Finished!
    Onward and Upward : Needs reviews!
    Truth be Told : Soon to be posted. ^.^

  16. #16
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    "Bows till head reaches the ground"

    Saying: Thank you, Thank you

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  17. #17
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    Demy, please don't spam. Your replies are really on the short side. Try to say something useful for the author when you reply.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  18. #18
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    Default Chaptah Twoo!

    *dance* *dance* Look loook look! Chapter 2!

    Rating: Pg (not that I want your parents reading over your shoulder...)


    CHAPTER 2

    By the time we had driven home, dusk was beginning to fall. I was especially glad to get out of the car, because although like the others I wanted to stretch my legs, my mom wouldn’t let me take Charmander out of his Pokčball in the car.


    “His tail flame will set the car on fire!” she had said.

    So now that I was home, I released him into the newly cleaned living room.
    “Charr!” he said, popping out of his Pokčball. Then, he said in real words, “I wonder where I am?”

    “You’re at my house er... Charmander,” I answered, not knowing exactly what to call him.

    Charmander gave me a surprised look. “You took pokčspeech lessons?” he asked. “You were supposed to tell the Professor if you had. He’s taking a poll of all of the people who have, you know.”

    “I know,” I said, “Its part of the registration process. ‘It is the trainer’s responsibility to inform the pokčmon Professor that you get your starter pokčmon from if you have taken any introductory pokčspeech or pokčspeech courses.’” I had memorized this information way back when I was twelve. “I didn’t do my duty because I really never have taken any lessons.”

    Charmander looked even more surprised at this, although he looked slightly relieved at the same time. “Oh. Well then, why do you know pokčspeech?”
    I then related to Charmander all that had happened today, and what my grandfather had explained to me.

    “Wow, I had always hoped for a special trainer, but I had never imagined anything like this! Although,” he added as an afterthought, “for a second there I thought I had gotten a lying trainer!”

    I laughed, which must have wiped away any remaining doubt he had left, for he grinned, a broad grin which exposed his pointy charmander teeth.

    “So,” I said, suddenly curious, “what about you? Now you know some stuff about me, so I want to know some stuff about you!”

    “Well,” he told me, “I'm just a normal charmander from a normal family. Nothing special like you. I was the eldest of three other siblings, two males and a female. They and I used to talk a lot at night when we should have been sleeping about what an ideal trainer should be. Our ideas got wilder and wilder, such as being trained by a legendary pokčmon, until our mother, who by then obviously knew of our discussions, told us to ‘shut up and go to bed’. Once I got to level five, my mommy flew me to the Professor’s. There I waited with those other tyrannical pokčmon, excluding bulbasaur of course, until you came. I'm guessing you know the rest,” he finished with a laugh.

    “Charmander,” I said, struck by a sudden thought, “what’s your name? I'm not sure I want to call you Charmander all the time. It gets kind of old, hearing other people calling their pokčmon by their breed all the time, you know what I mean?”

    “Glad you mentioned it, I don’t much like the thought of that either. My name’s Blaze.”

    “Cool!” I said.


    Throughout the time that I was talking with Blaze, my parents and Jaymi apparently had packed all of the stuff for my journey that was to begin the next day, and now came filing into the living room, collapsing on the other sofa.

    “Thanks guys!” I said, upon hearing of their accomplishment.

    “Oops!” said my mom randomly, smacking herself with her hand, “Miyah, dear, the only thing we forgot is the money for you. Could you go get it?”

    “Of course, Mom,” I said, “Where is it?”

    “In the dresser in my room— the one that’s the same as the one you have, top shelf.”

    I got up and walked into my parent’s room, closely followed by a curious Blaze. I spotted the dresser in question almost immediately. As it was dark in the room, even with the small table lamp on, I couldn't see into the drawer. Reaching in confidently, (having reached the same way into my own dresser for years) I was surprised when my hand hit the bottom much earlier than expected.

    “Ouch!” I exclaimed sucking on my jammed fingers. “Hey Blaze, could you jump up here and use your tail flame as a light for a second please?”

    He obliged, and with the newly added light, I saw the money almost immediately. I grabbed the many bills, and as I did, I saw a small finger-sized hole in the bottom of the drawer under the spot where the money had been.

    “Look!” I said excitedly to Blaze. I removed the rest of the junk that had also been in the drawer, stuck my finger into the hole, and lifted. There, in the real bottom of the drawer, was a yellowed scrap of paper, which upon closer inspection was revealed to be a newspaper article, dated three years ago:

    Scientists discover way to merge people with Pokčmon!

    For a long time, writes Lisa Carson, people have been wondering what the scientists in Kounei forest have been up to. Now, at last, we know! “We've been working on this for years,” one scientist explains. “Although we know exactly how to merge people with pokčmon, it will take a couple of years for us to find someone who is enough like a certain pokčmon that we can merge them.” The scientist further explained that the pokčmon and human who are to merge have to have similar characteristics and both have to agree to the merging. None of the scientists, however, would tell exactly how they could achieve this, for fear of their idea being stolen by their rivals in...
    Continued on B4

    And that was all there was. I flipped it over, but there was only an advertisement for a coin laundry.

    “Miyah! What happened, did you get lost?” my mom shouted from the living room, while everyone else laughed at her quip.

    “Coming!” I yelled, quickly replacing the article, the false bottom, and all of the junk. Blaze followed me as I quickly walked back to the living room.

    “Sorry,” I said, knowing that even if I didn’t want to, I had to lie, “I was just astonished by the amount of money you guys are giving me! There’s like...” I started to count the pokčdollars in my hand but my mom interrupted.

    “... Twenty-five hundred,” She finished, “We know that you have five hundred saved so you can start off with three thousand.”

    “Wow,” Jaymi remarked, “I only had two! But look,” She pulled out her pokčdex, “There's a compartment on the back for your money!” she pulled it open, revealing some bills. “And your pokčdex will keep track of the money in there for you.”

    “Cool,” I said, pulling out my own Pokčdex and adding the money my parents gave me, before dashing off to retrieve my own from my room, followed, yet again, by Blaze.

    “Is this your room?” he asked, looking surprised.

    “Yeah,” I said, “why?”

    “It’s just that,” he paused, then continued, “you didn’t seem like a very smart trainer, yet you have so many encyclopedias and such.”

    “Oh,” I said, slightly abashed, “After they changed the age limit for beginning trainers, I decided to try and become the best trainer ever. I studied for almost a year before my dad gave me a talk about how ‘a good trainer isn’t made from books’. I haven’t really studied since.” I walked to my dresser, grabbed my Sproink bank, smashed it on the ground, and grabbed the pokčbucks that were scattered amongst the shards.

    “Hmm...” Blaze looked at the shards of ceramic on the ground.

    “What?” I asked.

    “Do you think you could fix that with, you know, your powers?”

    I frowned. “Lemme try.” I concentrated as hard as I could, but nothing happened.

    “Maybe if you imagine the pieces reassembling?” Blaze suggested.

    This time, I concentrated hard while imagining the pieces floating in midair.
    Suddenly, the spectrum took on a very bluish tinge as the pieces lifted up into the air. I reassembled them in midair, holding them there, while asking Blaze, “Could you sort of melt this back together?”

    Blaze nodded, and by grabbing his tail and blowing the flames towards the held together pieces of ceramic, he welded the pieces back together.

    I laughed, grabbing the newly fixed, but slightly funny looking sproink bank and putting back on my dresser. “We did it!” I exclaimed. Then I looked up at the clock. “We should get some sleep,” I said. Blaze and I walked out into the living room to say good night to my parents and Jaymi, explaining that we wanted to get an early start the next morning.

    As I got into bed, I heard a “Good night!” from Blaze. I smiled, replying, “Good night!” as I recalled him to his pokčball.


    The next morning, I woke up very early, grabbed my new belt, with Blaze’s pokčball on it, and backpack, with all of the new stuff in it, put on my bandana, and left while my family was still sleeping. I had never been one for goodbyes, so I avoided them at all costs.

    I had decided last night, after viewing the newspaper clipping, that I would seek out the scientists and see if I qualified to be merged with a pokčmon.

    I set out into the woods near my home; they were a branch of the Kounei forest, and followed a trail that had been cut through the forest from years of forest pokčmon following it. I knew it had to lead somewhere, so I followed it, calling Blaze out of his Pokčball to keep me company.

    We walked along in silence for a while, savoring the quiet of the deep woods. Suddenly, as we stepped into a clearing, we saw what looked to be a young, deer-like pokčmon chewing on a clump of sage. It appeared to be a stantler, but as soon as it looked up, I could tell that it wasn’t one. I whipped out my Pokčdex and scanned it. ‘Fawneer, the fawn pokčmon. Fawneer is a pre-evolved form of stantler. Fawneer are reclusive Pokčmon, who like to live in deep forests.’ I read.

    When the fawneer saw me, it turned, which exposed the pale spots on its back, and started to run away.

    “Wait!” I called, “Want to battle me?”

    The fawneer stopped running and turned, shaking its head before bounding off into the forest.

    “Darn,” I said, “I was hoping to have our first pokčmon battle.”

    “Next time,” Blaze laughed, “challenge it to a battle before it starts to run away.”

    “Oh,” I said, “I forgot about that.” Then, I laughed, “I wasn’t thinking; I guess I was too excited.”

    We continued to walk along the path, sometimes encountering and battling wild pokčmon, but no others that I might want to try and catch.

    Then, as we rounded a bend in the path, a wild eevee leapt out of the bushes and stood right in the middle of the path.

    “Battle me!” it said, although I figured that it didn’t know I could understand.

    “Sure thing,” I replied, “Go! Blaze!”

    Blaze leaped out in front of me, calling out, “Charrrr!!”

    “Blaze, use tackle!” I shouted, as Blaze charged at the eevee. As Blaze got close, the eevee jumped out of the way, and used its own headbutt attack which hit Blaze squarely in the side. Although the attack winded him, I could tell that he wasn’t hurt too badly.

    “Er,” I said not entirely sure what to do next, “Use scratch while its close!” I yelled, hoping that Blaze wouldn’t miss.

    Sure enough, Blaze scored a direct hit on eevee’s back leg with his sharp little claws as it tried to get away from the attack.

    The eevee limped away quickly so Blaze couldn't get a chance to scratch it again. It turned and with surprising speed launched a quick attack towards Blaze.

    “Blaze, step aside and use scratch again when it gets closer!”
    Yet again, Blaze scored a direct hit on the eevee, this time on its face. Purely by accident, the Eevee’s momentum after the quick attack was so much so that, even skidding along, it ran straight into a tree. As the eevee was staggering around, trying to clear its head, I grabbed an empty pokčball from my belt and tossed it at the eevee. The ball rocked as the eevee tried to escape, once, twice, thrice! Then, it was still.

    “YES!” I shouted, “I caught my first wild pokčmon! Nice work Blaze!” I said as I let out the eevee.

    “You did all the work,” he said modestly, but he was interrupted by a loud wail.

    “NOO!!” another pokčmon came running into the clearing, obviously distraught. “After all of the warnings I gave you, you just had to battle someone, didn’t you Kara, and now look what happened! You got caught!” By now I recognized the cream colored, fiery dog that was yelling at Eevee, who was obviously its pup. It was a flareon, the fiery evolution of eevee.
    “I'm sorry, mom,” said the eevee in an obviously female voice, “But the only reason I did run off and fight a battle was because you never let me do anything. I have no regrets that I got caught, because now I can get away from you and all of your stupid rules!” The eevee turned to me, “Thank you for capturing me, now, can we go?” it asked.

    “Of course,” I said, “But only after you apologize to your mom, and say goodbye.” Eevee glowered, but did as I ordered.

    “Sorry mom, see you around,” it said before turning away.

    “Thank you,” said the flareon, and as it said this, I heard a sizzling noise. The noise turned out to be flareon’s tears evaporating as they hit her fiery fur.

    “No, thank you,” I corrected, “for allowing me to take your daughter.”

    “J-just take good care of her,” she said, before turning and bounding off, crying harder than ever.

    “Sorry I made you do that, Eevee, but I didn’t want you to have any regrets later, you know what I mean?”

    “I know,” said Eevee, “But please do call me Kara. By the way, how did you learn pokčspeech?”

    “I’ll explain while we eat lunch,” I said, setting out a picnic blanket that my parents had given me.

    After explaining everything to Kara (who had a very good appetite and ate all of her own food plus half of Blaze’s) she said, “Prove it, put away all of the picnic supplies.” I did, resulting in a very happy Kara when I picked her up too.

    “Whee!” she cried happily, “I’m flying!”

    “Me too,” shouted Blaze, holding his arms up, so I picked them both up and flew them around for a while.

    “I can’t wait until I'm a charizard and can do that on my own!” said Blaze, when I set them back down.

    “Oh, yeah, that reminds me,” I turned to Kara, “What do you want to evolve into? I know eevees can evolve into jolteon, flareon, vaporeon, espeon, and umbreon, and I was wondering which you liked.”

    “I think I like vaporeon, but I guess we’ll see. I don’t want you to have to spend money on me, you know, for a water stone.”

    “Don’t worry, Kara, I’ll spend the money if that’s what you want, but for now, I don’t quite think you're ready to do anything other than think about it.”

    “Oh,” she said, looking thoughtful before turning and limping towards the path.

    “Hey Kara, get back here,” I said, picking her up and floating her back. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a potion, squirting some on both her and Blaze. “There,” I said, before walking out onto the path with both of them walking happily after me.


    We walked for another day before anything happened. Kara pointed out that the trees seemed to be thinning slightly, and when we rounded a bend in the trail, the three of us stopped dead, too astounded to speak.

    There, before us was the most beautiful lake I had ever seen. The surface of the lake was so still it reflected the trees on the other side.

    “Beautiful, isn’t it?” said a voice from behind us. We whipped around, ready to fight, but it was only a guy that was perhaps a smidgeon older than me, smiling disarmingly.

    “Er, yeah,” I said hesitantly, then, in a much more confident voice, “Who are you?”

    “I'm Rick,” he stated simply. “And you are...”

    “Miyah, and this Blaze and Kara.”

    “Cool,” he grinned devilishly, “fancy a battle?”

    “Two on two?” I asked.

    “Sure!” he took out two Pokčballs. “Go, Chikorita and Metapod!”

    “Go and kick some butt, Blaze and Kara!”

    “Metapod, harden up, Chikorita, use a vine whip and throw that eevee for a loop!”

    “Kara, avoid the vines and headbutt the metapod! Blaze, tackle the chikorita and then while its stunned try an ember!” I yelled, praying that the ember attack would work; it was our only advantage that could lead to victory.
    Kara meanwhile was avoiding one of the long, leafy tendrils that Chikorita was maneuvering about very well until the other one snaked around behind her and grabbed her, hauling her straight up into the air. Chikorita had just started to twirl Kara in circles when Blaze tackled her. Kara was dropped, rather than thrown; therefore she immediately ran up to the metapod and headbutted it, looking at me for more instruction when nothing happened.

    “Keep headbutting!” I shouted.

    Blaze, while this was happening, was trying to figure out how to use ember as Chikorita tried to regain her wind.

    “Imagine yourself doing it Blaze!” I shouted, feeding his words back at him.
    Once more, he tried, and succeeded magnificently, burning the Chikorita with a cluster of flamey embers that he spewed from his mouth. To his astonishment, the Chikorita got back up.

    “Good job Chikorita!” Rick yelled, “Keep it up! Pick up Metapod and hit that annoying eevee with him!”

    Kara stopped headbutting Metapod as it was suddenly picked up by Chicorita’s vines. Chikorita swung Metapod along the ground at a high speed.

    “Jump, Kara!” I shouted, and Kara obeyed with alacrity, jumping over the
    Metapod, regaining her feet as Chikorita swung Metapod around again.

    “Keep jumping!” I shouted, and would have laughed at the strange jump-rope game if I didn’t have more pressing matters on my mind.

    “Blaze, burn the vines!”

    Timing it just right, Blaze shot out more embers at the swinging metapod, which, although they didn’t really hurt the metapod, snapped the vines holding it. The metapod went sailing through the air majestically, only to be stopped by a tree.

    “Metapod, return!” Rick called, as his chikorita drew its vines back in, panting.

    “Kara, headbutt, Blaze, use ember while it’s distracted.”

    Kara ran towards the seemingly done for Chikorita, excited by her first pokčmon battle and the upcoming win. But the Chikorita had one more trick up her sleeve. It swung its head around and released a razor sharp leaf from off its head, right into Kara’s face. Although Kara fainted, her distraction proved a winner as Blaze caught Chikorita in another devastating ember attack.

    Rick and I recalled our fainted Pokčmon at the same time, congratulating each other on the well played battle.

    “Good job, Blaze!” I said as I called Kara back out of her pokčball to heal her.

    When she came out, she looked utterly depressed.

    “Kara,” said Blaze, ever the one to cheer someone up, “You do realize that I
    couldn't have won the battle if you hadn’t distracted the Chikorita, right?”

    “I know,” she replied, “but I still wish I hadn’t fainted.” She still looked sad.

    “I know what will cheer you up!” I said, “A picnic lunch! Want to join us Rick?”

    “Sure,” he replied, releasing his three Pokčmon (Chikorita, Metapod and Pikachu) to join in, as the ever hungry eevee perked up.


    “So,” I asked Rick while we cleaned up after the picnic, conventionally of course, “How far is it to the nearest town?”

    “Only about a half of a day’s journey on the same path you’re traveling on now. The town’s a small one, not on any maps or anything; it’s called Brookdale.”

    “Cool,” I said, happy at the idea that we could refresh our supplies and get cleaned up. “Are you headed that way?” I asked him, “You’re welcome to join us if you want.”

    “Sure, I guess. I wasn’t originally headed that direction, but its not too far out of the way to escort a pretty trainer like yourself.”

    “If you think I’m pretty you must be a cross-eyed politoed!” I replied. I had never been too good with compliments. “So what’s this lake called anyways,” I asked, changing the subject abruptly.

    “The Lake of Reflection,” he said, still smiling slightly at my comeback.

    “Wow,” I said sarcastically, “I wonder how it got that name?”

    “I dunno,” he said, playing along, “maybe some old guy who likes to think a lot named it.”

    We broke out into laughter as the two of us and our pokčmon set off towards Brookdale.


    ***

    Well? What do you think? I had to re=space the paragraphs, so if there's a really wierd separation, be sure to point it out... xD I'm pretty sure I got them, but... Heh.

    ~Chareon




    Thanks to my uber awesome cousin Chibi Pika for the banner!
    Perish Song : One Shot
    Change of Fate : Finished!
    Onward and Upward : Needs reviews!
    Truth be Told : Soon to be posted. ^.^

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    ARGH, my computer is so annoying. It didn't lag today, but decided to randomly log me out when I tried to post a reply. *is very close to hitting screen but knows that no computer is worse than slow computer. Marginally*

    Okay, right, phew. Firstly, I think some bits sound rushed, as if you're racing to get it done on time. (I can't exactly talk, but I think I only end up with typos/small grammar errors.) For example, the Pokémon Professor isn't named or described, which could be fine if you'd made the dialogue more *tries to think of a synonym for 'descriptive' and fails* descriptive, ie with more personality/character, like with Rick. I know the Professor's only a minor character but it helps to flesh out the story *cringes at saying - been watching too much Torchwood*.

    Secondly, I think the main character (Miyah? read story yesterday and forgot destails -_-''') develops her powers AMAZINGLY quickly. I mean, repairing a piggy-bank just when she's discovered her powers? We've all seen how small some bits of shattered pottery/glass can be, right? Unless she's got a male brain (or a rather huge testosterone surge), she wouldn't have anything near the spacial ability to consciously replace the pieces. I understand that it's fiction, but it bugs me. Soz. Oh, and the fact that she can lift an Eevee, I accept, but Charmander too? It'd be like holding them both with one hand, which, to be honest, would be quite heavy. Nevermind flying them around.

    Oh, and just a suggestion, but I don't think the elements inside the special people do ANYTHING to their personalities. I mean, for someone who could freeze 'everything around [him] in a twenty foot radius', he seems rather 'normal,' the sort of grandpa that'd lie on the ground yelling at kids that he hasn't had his dose of caffeine (although I'm not quite sure, since he doesn't make too much of an appearance). Either make their personalities really affected (ie make Miyah a bookworm lacking severely in social skills (Aspergers? *been reading "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time", or whatever it's called*), or her Grandpa really cold and aloof, although 'tis a bit late for that), or polar opposite to their element (ie Grandpa have a really short temper, smoke coming out his nostrils when he's angry). It'd make everything really interesting.

    Finally, good points. Yipee!

    (1) Big dose of originality. VERY good reason for how she can communicate with Pokémon (she can read their minds. Full stop. Clean and efficient).

    (2) Well written, although (yep, more crit *waits for readers to groan*) Miyah appears to be something of a Mary-Sue (Eevee, pretty (?), sympathetic and caring towards her Pokémon and not (yet) showing any bad traits), and I have to tut you for that. *Tuts*

    (3) Good character development of Charmander and Eevee! With full background stories and stuff! Although why would Charizard give their young to humans? If they did wouldn't PokéLabs overflow with babies? Expansion on PokéBehaviour = GODLY.

    (4) Interesting plot, that newspaper cutting will come back to haunt us, in your own words, I believe

    (5) Oh yeah, another point about originality: nice description of the new PokéRegion (yay for words beginning with Poké!). And great stuff with the Legendary *Whatevers*, although I suspect some person somewhere will be mortified at the descriptions of Entei as a dog, Suicune as a wolf and Raikou as a tiger. I usually avoid using them even though I luff Suicune for this reason only. I personally heartily agree *ducks flying vegetables thrown by angry readers* with you, though (apart from Entei. He is SO a lion!), as well as the genders *ducks another volley of assorted fruitables (fruit+vegetables = tomatoes! No, not really, fruitables, I mean)*

    (6) Stuff about the Mother is nice, always thought of Mew as a child, but this radically changes my perception. Good interpretation! Although the Mother stuff sort of less impresses me now because of AEON, lol. Still great concept, though

    Right, I'll stop now. Hope I haven't forgotten anything!

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
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    Okay. So, at the moment, I am madly in luff with you, for I thought that this thread would wither and die and sink into the abyss. Thanks for reviewing!

    -dances-

    Okay, down the business.

    Secondly, I think the main character (Miyah? read story yesterday and forgot destails -_-''') develops her powers AMAZINGLY quickly. I mean, repairing a piggy-bank just when she's discovered her powers? We've all seen how small some bits of shattered pottery/glass can be, right?
    It's pottery, first of all - it wouldn't be that small, but... Yeah, I can fix that. I'll say when she broke it it like, split into four pieces or something. -mumbles and wanders off to fix-

    Oh, and the fact that she can lift an Eevee, I accept, but Charmander too?
    And yeah, the point of her throwing pieces of furniture around with telekenisis is to show how their powers come to them in one giant surge, and once they get them, all they have to do is refine them to use them. Also, in a lot of thing that have people with psychic abilities, they can lift themselves, can't they? If Miyah could lift herself, she could definately lift a Charmander, if that gives you more perspective.

    Either make their personalities really affected (ie make Miyah a bookworm lacking severely in social skills (Aspergers? *been reading "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time", or whatever it's called*), or her Grandpa really cold and aloof, although 'tis a bit late for that), or polar opposite to their element
    I thought about that when I first started writing the fic, but the position that her grandfather plays in relation to the plot and such is so important that I just couldn't have him be all "cold and aloof". So, if I couldn't do it to him, I couldn't do it to Miyah. -shrugs- It's too late to fix it anyways.

    Miyah appears to be something of a Mary-Sue (Eevee, pretty (?), sympathetic and caring towards her Pokémon and not (yet) showing any bad traits), and I have to tut you for that. *Tuts*
    Did I really say she was pretty? -can remember, goes off to reread- Meh. Yeah, my cousin warned me about that. I have no idea who this Mary-Sue is that you speak of, but I understand your point. She does have downsides (especially with the charisma thing. you'll see that later), and of course she's caring towards her pokemon! They're her friends! Don't you care about your friends? -tuts at readers who think Miyah is a Mary-Sue thing- So if someone likes pokemon, they are Mary-Sue? That doesn't leave a very broad range of character traits left open... But maybe if someone told me who she was, I'd understand better.

    Big dose of originality. VERY good reason for how she can communicate with Pokémon (she can read their minds. Full stop. Clean and efficient).
    Thanks muchly! -bows-

    (apart from Entei. He is SO a lion!)
    Aww, I got that earlier, too. -feels outnumbered- But do you really think I should change those descriptions? One of those Legendaries is quite a major character... -shuts up- Anyways, I think on that account, I'll leave that be. Author's opinion, you know.

    Well, thanks again for reviewing. Shall I Pm you for the next chapter? At the moment, my Pm list is down to one... (last revision there was like six O.o) ...so it's okay if you don't want me to.

    Good character development of Charmander and Eevee! With full background stories and stuff! Although why would Charizard give their young to humans? If they did wouldn't PokéLabs overflow with babies? Expansion on PokéBehaviour = GODLY.
    I forgot this bit. Thank you muchly! I love Kara's personality. -winks- She's funny. Kind of a foil is you know what I mean... xD

    Alright, done now. The next chapter is almost done, just got some editing to you. In the meantime, au revoir!

    -flies away-

    ~Chareon




    Thanks to my uber awesome cousin Chibi Pika for the banner!
    Perish Song : One Shot
    Change of Fate : Finished!
    Onward and Upward : Needs reviews!
    Truth be Told : Soon to be posted. ^.^

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