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Thread: The Begining of a new Relationship {AshXHikari}

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    Default The Begining of a new Relationship {AshXHikari}

    It starts off with the sun setting, Ash is looking at the sun from a hill with a serious expression. A new girl character known as Hikari is walking along side the hill, she's holding the paper bags and the winds start blowing hard and blows the bags away from her. Ash see's Hikari in distress and goes running towards her;

    Ash: Don't worry I'm here to help you!
    He slides down the hill and grabs the bags before they can get away.
    Hikari: Thank you
    Hikari looks up at Ash into his eye's and begins to blush a little.
    Ash: No problem, glad I could help. Do you have every thing now?
    Hikari : Well yes, but I'm lost kind of.
    Ash:Well, will just have to find a road map, hold on a second.
    Ash runs to get a road map. Hikari looks in the direction of Ash, blushing slightly.
    Hikari: who is that boy?
    Ash returns with a road map and opens it to read it.
    Ash: Now where do you live?
    Hikari points a place on the map, still looking at Ash slightly shocked.
    Ash: I'll walk with you and point you in the direction that you need to be.
    Hikari: Oh thank you for helping me.
    Ash: Really its not problem I like to help when I can.
    Ash smiles, Hikari just stairs at Ash with amazment.
    Hikari's thouhts: Could such a boy like him be a live?
    Ash: What's wrong doesn't any one like to help you where you live?
    Hikari: Hu? Well not without being paid first.
    Ash laughs and says: Well don't worry, this is one person you don't have to pay to get help.
    It starts to rain a bit;
    Hikari: Oh no, the rain. Ugh, why did it have to rain now?
    Ash: No problem, we have an umbrella!
    Hikari: Wow, your pretty much Mr.perfect.
    Ash: Mr.Perfect? I wish {He laughs a bit and opens the umbrella}
    Ash puts the umbrella over there heads.
    Hikari: Well there should be a nice little rainbowe at least at the end of the rain.
    Ash: Yup, now all we have to do is get threw this rain.
    Both Hikari and Ash laugh a bit. They get to a giant house with a gate in front of the yard.
    Ash: Is this your place?
    Hikari: Sure is.
    She pushes a read button on the side, the gate opens letting them both in. They get to the stairs in front of the door, Ash closes the umbrella, Hikari opens the door and looks at Ash with a smile.
    Ash: You mean you want me to come in too?
    Hikari nods yes with a smile, Ash smiles as well and enters. The rain finally stops and a rain bowe shows across from Hikari's house to random tree's. Hikari looks out the window smiling and sees the rainbowe.
    Hikari: Look Ash, a rainbowe!
    Ash comes to the window smiling.
    Ash: Guess its a good thing we ran into each other.
    Hikari: How come? {Blushing}
    Ash: Becuase than we would have never seen this rainbowe together.
    Hikari's smile widens more.
    Hikari: That's true.
    They both laugh. Ash goes outside.
    Ash: Well, guess this is good bye.
    Hikari begins to tear and nods yes. Ash walks ouside to the gate and wives bye. Suddenly Team Galxy, a new Team girl and boy attack Ash.
    Hikari: Who are you? And what do you want with Ash?
    Team Galxy: We are the team Galxy, we have come to capter this boy. Team Rocket has offered us money for him. We don't know why but as long as we get money from them we don't care.
    Ash yells from inside the net;
    Ash: You don't understand, Team Rocket will trick any one into getting what they want. So you won't get paid, you mine as well go!
    Team Galxy just laugh evily.
    Hikari: Is there any thing I can do Ash?
    Ash: Try and get Officar Jenny, they'll know what to do!
    Hikari: Right!
    Hikari runs fast and looks back worried with tears in her eye's.
    Hikaris thoughts: No I'm no running away I'm going to help!
    Hikari grabs one of her pokeballs from the side of her and calls out Richue.
    Hikari: Richue, Thunder Shock!
    Richue sends a thunder blast at Team Galxy, they drop Ash into Hikari's arms and get sent blasted off.
    Ash: You saved me!
    Hikari: I wasn't going to let you have all the fun {She smiles}
    Ash laughs. Both Ash and Hikari travel together

    Announcer: What strange new Pokemon will Ash and his new friend Hikari meet, will have to wait and see.
    To becontinued....





    Tell me what you think. Sorry about my bad grammer and spelling LOL If there is any, I'll post more soon.

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    Lol yeah I was about to say something about the grammer and spelling errors. :P

    -Judai

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    Quote Originally Posted by Judai Yuki
    Lol yeah I was about to say something about the grammer and spelling errors. :P

    -Judai
    LOL Yah I'm not too great with Spelling or grammer just yet, but I'm getting there XD
    Any who what did you think of the story? Besides the airs LOL.

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    Hey man, this is nice. I'd love to see where this goes; and if you need someone to look over the story for spelling and such, just ask.
    You can't run away from me. I'm too fast for you
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    No longer taking private requests for oneshot fics, but now writing again. So throw me an idea.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Darkliger
    Hey man, this is nice. I'd love to see where this goes; and if you need someone to look over the story for spelling and such, just ask.

    Thank you, glad you like my story and I will continue with it. Also I will look over those things don't worry.

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    Nice story so far. I can't wait for the next chapter. ^^

    Hehe. That's our Ash. Mr. Perfect~
    [IMG]http://i47.*******.com/1zq7mte.jpg[/IMG]
    S A T O H I K A
    PearlShipper since 2006

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    Quote Originally Posted by Katsu Koneko
    Nice story so far. I can't wait for the next chapter. ^^

    Hehe. That's our Ash. Mr. Perfect~
    Glad you enjoyed it, and I will def work on the next chapter, look back here Friday and there will be another story up for these two. And yes Ash is def Mr.Perfect.

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    Please don't take this the wrong way, but I really think it's too soon for this. As nothing is known so far about Hikari, it's rather hard to rate a story about her. How do I know if she's in character or not? There's so little to go on that it's fairly uncomfortable reading about her. Ash was alright, though.

    But that detail aside, there were a also few things missing from this story, namely Brock, Max, and May. Where they during all this? Did Ash leave them behind when traveling to Shin'ou? Whatever the reason was, you should have explained what happened to them at least a little.

    And finally, if you truly enjoy writing Ash x Hikari, don't ever let anybody's personal opinion stop you. If this is your passion, then go for it! Just keep working on that grammar
    Last edited by Ampris; 21st July 2006 at 6:25 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Ampris~
    Please don't take this the wrong way, but I really think it's too soon for this. As mothing is known so far about Hikari, it's rather hard to rate a story about her. How do I know if she's in character or not? There's so little to go on that it's fairly uncomfortable reading about her. Ash was alright, though.

    But that detail aside, there were a also few things missing from this story, namely Brock, Max, and May. Where they during all this? Did Ash leave them behind when traveling to Shin'ou? Whatever the reason was, you should have explained what happened to them at least a little.

    And finally, if you truly enjoy writing Ash x Hikari, don't ever let anybody's personal opinion stop you. If this is your passion, then go for it! Just keep working on that grammar

    LOL I know I just realized my mistakes in the story LOL Not only did I forget that rodent but I also forgot Brock/May and Max like you said I'll have to explain what happend in my next story. And I do love the ship even though they haven't meet or seen the character, so I will keep writing story's about them together and even if they do meet I will, and thanks for telling me not to give up my passon for this, and I will work better with my grammar =]

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    Here is my second story. I copyd and pasted it from my old thread that got closed;

    Hirkari and Ash begin to walk off, Ash trips over a branch and falls over. An image falls out of Ash backpak, its a picture of Ash and his friends Brock/May/Misty/Tracey/Max/Profeser Oak and his mom together. Hikari picks up the picture and dusts off the dirt that came on it from the fall, she gives it to Ash;

    Hikari: Ash, I know we've just barley became friends, but who are those people in the image with you?
    Ash looks at her confused, Hikari panics and says;
    Hikari: No need to tell me of course if you don't want to of course.
    Ash: No I don't mind telling you at all {He smiles} The guy with the ponity hair next to me in the image is Brock. He use to travel with me, his dream was to become a Pokemon breeder.
    Hikari: What happend to him?
    Ash: He meet a girl, feel in love with her and decided to stay with her.
    Hikari: And who is that girl and the kid with the glasses?
    Ash: The girl is May and the kid with the glasses is Max, there brother and sister.
    Hikari: Why don't they travel with you any more?
    Ash: Well May wanted to get better at her contests and with me doing Gyms it kind of slowed her down a bit, so she and her brother decided to go there own ways.
    Hikari: Wow, and what about Pikachu?
    Ash: Well in our last battle agasint Team Rocket he got hurt bad, so I had to leave him at home to heal with Profeser Oak. Hopefully he's doing alright now.
    Ash cloeses his eye's and thinks for a moment about his old friend.
    Hikari: You must him a lot?
    Ash opens his eye's and looks at her serious, than smiles
    Ash: Well yah, but its better that he's safe than to get more hurt battling with me.
    Ash and Hikari walk into a town known as Golden Town, a boy comes running by in a hurry and than realizes he ran the wrong way. Both Ash and Hikari are looking watching him, the boy comes running there way causing them to panic. The boy doesn't realize Ash and Hikari are there and runs into them, causing them all to fall over. The boy/Ash/Hikari get up and dust themselfs off.

    The Boy: What's the big idea?!
    Ash: What do you mean your the one who ran into us?
    The Boy: Yah right, I'm sure I would have seen you while I was running, you probaly were the one's who ran into me!
    Ash: What are you blind kid?
    The Boy: No but appearntly you are!
    Both Ash and the boy stair at each other angry.
    Hikari:Ouch my head.
    Ash and The Boy: Are you ok?
    Ash and The Boy: I asked that first {To each other, angry}
    Hikari: Yah I'm fine.
    Ash and the boy and help Hikari up. Hikari recanizes the boy and is happy to see him.
    Hikari: I thought I'd never see you again!
    She huges the boy, the boy blushes and says;
    The Boy: Do I know you?
    Ash: Yah Hikari care to explain {Angry}
    Hikari lets go of the boy
    Hikari: He's a boy that I grew up with.
    The boy looks confused
    The Boy: Err um look girl I think your a bit confused, I don't think I've ever meet you in my life.
    Hikari: No I know your face.
    The Boy: Than what's my name again?
    Hikari: Your Nicki
    The Boy: Right, right of course I am. Sorry I went off for a bit.
    Ash: Sure he is, if he's your friend Nicki than I'm not really Ash Ketchum!
    The Boy: Than what's your name again? {He Smiles, laughing}
    Ash: Darn You!
    Hikari stands between them smiling.
    Hikari: Now boy's shall we not argue and head into town?
    Ash and the boy look at each other angry behind her back, sticking out there tounges at each other;
    Ash and the Boy: Sure!
    Ash: Say what's your age again? {He says smiling evily}
    The Boy: Um err I don't know, I think its 12.
    Ash: Think?
    Hikari: No, silly its 13.
    Ash: Hikari you can't honestly think this boy is the one you knew from your past. I mean he may look like your friend, that doesn't mean he is him, some people get confused and mistake other people for friends.
    Hikari: Well I'm not confused and know for a fact he is one of my friends from my past. And besides he would have tolled me I was wrong himself, wouldn't you Nicki?
    Ash: Yah wouldn't you?
    The Boy: Um err yes..
    Hikari: See!
    Ash: Fine, don't expect me to stay around watching your friend lie to you this whole time!
    Hikari: What did I just say?!
    Ash: I heard every thing you said and I still think this guy is an imposter!
    The Boy: Shows how much you know {To Ash}
    Hikari: Yah.
    Ash goes another direction angry, Hikari walks with the boy who she thinks is Nicki angry to a shop in Golden Town. Ash follows them sneaking from behind shops.
    Ash: There's got to be a way to show Hikari that this guy's a fake, but how?
    Mean-While Team Rocket is spying on Ash from the hills behind the town.
    James: What's the boy doing spying on other people? That's our job.
    Meowth: Yah some twarp, you think you know a kid and than he pulls a trick like this on us.
    Jessie: Well, will show him and steal his Pokemon from behind.
    James: How does that show him any thing?
    Jessie: Well, it shows were just as tricky. Now lets go!
    James and Meowth: Right boss!
    Jessie/James/Meowth sneak up on Ash and trap him in a net.
    Ash: What the?!
    James: Suprise! We fooled you.
    Meowth: Yah that will show yah to try and get into our terratory!
    Ash: What? Oh you think I'm trying to steal? {He laughs hysticrally}
    James shakes the net with Ash in it.
    Ash: Stop!
    Jessie: Fine! Just hand over your Pokemon!
    Ash: Looks like you'll have to leave empty handed than, I left all my pokemon back at Profeser Oaks place. {He smiles}
    Jessie: Your lieing!
    Ash: Why don't you check?
    Jessie looks around, shocked.
    Jessie: You even left you eltrick rodent friend behind?
    Meowth: But you've had him for along time!
    James: Yes, never been seperated since as long as we've known you.
    Ash: Yah, well.
    Ash has a flashback of what happend in a gym battle.
    Ash: I lost the leauge, I didn't want to tell Hikari that becuase I knew she wouldn't like me if she did. Any ways Pikachu got hurt bad in that one, so I had to leave him behind.
    Jessie: Hikari? Who's that?
    Ash: Some girl {He blushes and looks away}
    James: Oh looks like the twarp has another girlfriend!
    Ash: Do not!
    Meowth: Ash&Hikari sitting in the tree, K-i-s-s-i-n-g! {He laughs evily}
    Ash whispers to himself : Great I'm being mocked by Team Rocket!
    All three Jessie/James/Meowth stop laughing.
    Jessie: Any who if you weren't out here to steal Pokemon, what were you doing around here sneaking?
    Ash: I was, I was, I was just trying to have a nice time to myself till you attacked me! Now let me go!
    Jessie: Nope, looked like you were following some one to me.
    Ash: I wasn't, so stop asking me these questions and let me go already {He blushes, angry.}
    Jessie looks down from the hill and hears the name Hikari get yelled from a boy. She sees Hikari and a boy next to each other smiling. Jessie comes back to James/Meowth/Ash in a net.
    Jessie: The case of who Hikair is solved!
    James: Really?
    Meowth: Who is this twarps girlfriend?
    Ash: She's not my girlfriend!
    Jessie comes over and leans ontop of Ash in the net, he gets annoyed.
    Jessie: You see that girl down there?
    James and Meowth: Yes.
    Jessie: Well that's her.
    James: Brillaint, how did you solve this case?
    Jessie: Simple, I heard the boy down there call Hikari and she responded and well I simply put two and two together and there you go.
    James: Well done {He claps, happy}
    Jessie: Thank you {She bowes}
    Meowth walks by annoyed.
    Meowth: Ahem, now that we got that so called case out of the way. What should we with the Pokemon free twarp?
    Jessie: I say we give him to the boss any ways. He'd love to know who's been causing us trouble all this time. Than maybe just maybe he'll forgive us of all the trouble we've put him threw and destroy the twarp at the same time for us.
    Ash: Hello, I'm right here, I can hear every thing your saying!
    Jessie: Yes, well bullie for you.
    Jessie pulls the net with Ash in it over her and says;
    Jessie: Shall we go now?
    Meowth&James: Yah!
    All three of them walk away. Ash yells;
    Ash: Help!!!
    Hikari and the boy hear Ash scream for help, Hikari and the boy go running after Team Rocket.
    Hikari: Stop, theifes!
    Ash: Hikari!
    Team Rocket stop and push her on the ground.
    Jessie: Don't mess with the top champs kid.
    Hikari: Are you apart of Team Galxy?
    Jessie: Team Galxy?
    James: What are they some other annoying team that steals Pokemon like us?
    Jessie: Annoying? Were not annoying! If any thing were far from it.
    Ash: I have to disagree.
    Jessie slaps Ash face while he's in the net.
    Ash: Wow that hurt. {Rubes his face}
    Jessie: Well better you than us {James and Meowth smile evily, while James holds the net with Ash in it}
    Hikari: Um excuse me, if your not Team Galxy, than who are you?
    Jessie: Were Team Rocket!
    Hikari: Team Rocket?
    James: Yes, a much better organization than Team Galxy who steals Pokemon.
    Hikari: Um I hate to interupt again, but Ash isn't a Pokemon.
    Jessie: No, but he's an annoying pest that needs to done with.
    Ash: I'm having a bad day.
    Jessie: So now if you excuse us, well be off and you can be off with your friend some where if you want.
    Hikari: Ash is my friend, I would never leave him people like you and you shouldn't be stealing Pokemon either any ways!
    The Boy: Wow, what a girl.
    Hikari: Now are you going to let my friend go?!
    Jessie: Hmmm, no!
    Hikari: Fine, tasts the rath of my Raichu than.
    Hikari calls out her Raichu.
    Hikari:Ooops almost forgot.
    Hikari goes around Team Rocket and cuts Ash free from the net while Raichu distracts Team Rocket.
    Hikari: Shall we continue our battle?
    Team Rocket notice Ash is free and is standing next to Hikari, smiling.
    Jessie: Lets.
    Jessie is about to call out her Pokemon. When Hikari tells Raichu to use its thundershocker on Team Rocket. They get blasted off.
    Ash: Thanks for rescuing me Hikari. Nicki I'm sorry if I acused you of being an imposter.
    The Boy: Its alright, just watch it next time.
    Ash and the kid shake hands, but when they do his idenity card falls out of his poket from his jaket. Ash picks it up for him, it says his real name is Josh Fewl.
    Ash: What's the meaning of this?
    Ash holds out the kids idenity to the kid and Hikari angry.
    Hikari: Nicki what is the meaning of this?
    The Boy: {Sighs} Ok here's the thing, my name isn't really Nicki its Josh Fewl like what it says on the card. I only said that to get to know you better.
    Hikari: I don't know what to say.
    Ash: Its ok Hikari, I'll send the clown off for you if you want.
    Hikari: No, don't do that. I forgive him, in fact would you like to travel with us?
    Ash: What do you mean, picking this kid as a travel buddy for us?!
    Hikari: Oh Ash, don't worry.
    Ash: We just found out he's been faking his name this whole time and you want him to travel with us? Of course I have a reason to panick!
    Hikari:Pretty, please?
    Ash sighs for a moment.
    Ash: What can I do?
    The three of them walk into the sunset. Ash watches the kid suspeciously, Josh keeps putting moves on Hikari and Ash breaks up the two by stepping in between them, smiling embarsed.

    Narrator: With a new friend joining the group what other adventures could happen for the trio? Find out next time on Pokemon.


    Tell me what you think about it, and again sorry for my spelling and grammer airs. I'll post my third story up soon =]

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    Okay do not WRITE IN SCRIPT FORMAT. Got me nowhere and it just looks lazy. {No offense}. Write in sentences and paragraph format and I'll see.
    Anime Bishie: Dorapion
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadowblazer View Post
    Okay do not WRITE IN SCRIPT FORMAT. Got me nowhere and it just looks lazy. {No offense}. Write in sentences and paragraph format and I'll see.
    No offense taken, and these were my first fan fictions. Next one's should be better.

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    Pretty good so far. Liking it more than I thought I would. Spotted some grammer errors though.




    Humans are pathetic, disqusting beings that deserve to die.

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    Good I like it can you pm me when, the one comes out.
    I claimed the song The heaven I'm headed to by Direks bently in the claim a song thread

    I don't care about EVs. If you don't either, copy and paste this into your sig. (Started by Shiny Metagross)

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    Quote Originally Posted by robotwind View Post
    Good I like it can you pm me when, the one comes out.
    Of course I will, I'll tell you right away when I'm done with them. The next one I'll be working on should be chapter 4 I think. And glad both of you like it. And yah I know the grammer airs are there, I'll be a little better with the next one.

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    Yay! Keep on writing the Pearlshipping loveliness! ^^ Can't wait until the next chapter!

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    That was PERFECT! GOOD JOB!

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    Quote Originally Posted by lilrumpkinkb View Post
    Yay! Keep on writing the Pearlshipping loveliness! ^^ Can't wait until the next chapter!
    Coolio, glad you all like it than. I will keep writing it don't worry. Next day look back and you should see another chapter up, ok.

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    Episode title: Chase them when you can!


    It begins with Ash/Hikari/and the new kid Josh walking into a new town known as Harbor Town. Its early, 7:A.M in the morning, Ash rubs his eyes sleepy and says " Why did we have to get up so early?" He yawns. Josh puts his hand around Hikari smiling and says "I don't mind getting up this early speacially to watch some one as pretty as you" He says to Hikari, she blushes and looks the other way. Ash looks down for a bit and stops to think to himself "What should I do?" Both Josh and Hikari stop noticing that Ash has and look back and him confused. Hikari asks "What's wrong Ash?" and puts her arms on Ash looking worried. Ash says "Nothing" While trying not to blush.
    Hikari says "I know you and seems like some things wrong with you, now spill!" Ash looks away blushing a bit and notices some jewlery in a window, he smiles and says with excitment "That's it!" He runs into the store and runs back out with bags. Ash says " These are for you Hikari" Hikari smiles widley and begins to open the presents. Josh just stands from the side watching with envy and begins to blush with anger. Ash looks at Josh with a smug look. Mean-While from a far Team Rocket is watching, Jessie gets furious and says "How come that little brat gets every thing for not even doing any thing I'm stuck with garbage!" James pats Jessie on the back and says "Maybe its becuase were apart of an evil orgnazation who wants to steal Pokemon from other people."
    Jessie gets even angry and says "Well so what, she shouldn't just be getting things like that its rude!" Meowth says sorcastically "That's rude?" And Jessie hits him with her hair. Jessie thinks to herslelf and says "Why don't we go down there and take her for what its worth!" James said worried "You mean steal the girl and try to get Pikacu back that way?" Jessie stops and says "Well that's not what I meant but that's a brillaint plan, lets go!" Down where Ash/Hikari/Josh are Team Galxy appear. Team Rocket go appear as well from there Meowth bloon. Jessie says " Hey who are you and get out of our way!" Team Galxy does there Team Galxy Dance and song.
    While they talk Ash/Hikair/Josh try to sneak away slowly without being spoted in the background. Josh says " Who are those dorks?" Ash says "Well one group known as Team Rocket has been following me for years for my Pikachu, the other group is Team Galxy, there after legandry Pokemon, I guess they figured if we were near by we'd have some" Hikari says anvgry "What nerve of them to do that!." Ash says "Well there villains Hikari, there not going to just walk away and give up like that!" Hikari says "Well they should, there certianly not going to get what they want from us." Josh says "Your right as always Hikari" they both smile at each other, Ash gets angry and says "Well we best get going, don't want to miss my gym battle, right?", he pushes Hikari behind her back.
    Mean-While back with Team Rocket and Team Galxy, Jessie looks down from the bloon and sees that Ash and the gang are not there. Jessie says "Hey they got away, that's it no more arguing, we have better things to do than." They float away in the bloon, Team Galxy notice that Ash and the gang are gone to and head off into there direction. Ash is pushing Hikair while Josh comes forward and says "Wait a minute, why just run by without stoping and smellling the roses?" He offers her a rose. Ash gets angry red and looks for some thing, he sees a fourleave clover and picks it, he says "Here Hikari and fourleave clover, to keep you lucky always."
    Ash bowes and hands Hikair the fourleave clover, she smiles and says "Wow all this attention, its nice" She walks and holds out her elebows and says "She'll we go boy's?" Both Ash and Josh see Hikari and smile next to each other while blushing . They both notice each other and try to fight to Hikari's arms first but end up triping over each other. Suddenly both Ash and Josh fall into a hole ontop of each other. Ash says "Oh no its Team Rocket!" Suddenly Jessie/James/Meowth pop up over the whole, Josh says "What do you clowns want?!" Jessie says "The twarps knows, right?" Ash said " They want my pikachu!" James says "So good to know the boy's use to us by now," Meowth says "Well he should be since we've been here since, seven years now."
    Josh "You've been following this kid for 7 years for his Pikachu, you are loosers!" Jessie says "Well look who's fallen into our whole, tell me who's ontop now?" All three laugh. Ash says " You can't have my Pikachu!" And holds him tight, he backs next to Josh and tells Pikachu to use Thunderbold, Josh calls out his Ratticate and tells him to use bite, this blasts them off, James says "Why didn't we wear elctrick proofe outfits this time?" Jessie says "I was out of money." Mean-While back in the whole Ash says "Thanks!" Josh says "Thanks? For what?" Ash says "If it wasn't for your help I'm sure Pikachu would have been a goner" Josh says " I'm sure you would have gotten rid of them yourselfs, you've been dealing with those three for a while now, right?."
    Ash leans back against the whole and says "Yah, but still its nice to have help when you need it, so again thank you!" Ash puts out his hand to Josh, happy. Josh looks at Ash suprised, smiles and than shakes it, Ash says "Every thing should be good from here." Suddenly Hikari screams loudly, both Ash and Josh hear this and look in shock and scream "Hikari!" And climbe out of the whole.

    Annoucer "Will Ash and Josh make it in time before Hikari gets hurt? Fine out next time on Pokemon Dimond and Pearl."

    To Beconutinued....

  20. #20
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    Thats really good, keep up the good work.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil_ash_fan View Post
    Thats really good, keep up the good work.
    Thank you, glad you like it ^_^ And I will keep up on the story's.

  22. #22
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    Try putting it into Paragraphs. Like this: I also bolded all the mistakes I found and corrected

    It begins with Ash,Hikari,and the new kid Josh walking into a new town known as Harbour Town. Its was early, 7:A.M in the morning, Ash rubs his eyes sleepily and says
    "Why did we have to get up so early?" He yawns. Josh puts his hand around Hikari smiling and says
    "I don't mind getting up this early especially to watch some one as pretty as you" to Hikari, she blushes and looks the other way. Ash looks down for a bit and stops to think to himself "What should I do?" Both Josh and Hikari stop noticing that Ash has and look back and him confused. Hikari asks "What's wrong Ash?" and puts her arms on Ash looking worried. Ash says "Nothing" While trying not to blush.

    Hikari says "I know you and seems like some things wrong with you, now spill!" Ash looks away blushing a bit and notices some jewellery in a window, he smiles and says with excitement "That's it!" He runs into the store and runs back out with bags. Ash says " These are for you Hikari".
    Hikari smiles widely and begins to open the presents. Josh just stands from the side watching with envy and begins to blush with anger. Ash looks at Josh with a smug look. Mean-While from a far Team Rocket is watching, Jessie gets furious and says "How come that little brat gets every thing for not even doing any thing I'm stuck with garbage!" James pats Jessie on the back and says "Maybe its because were apart of an evil organization who wants to steal Pokemon from other people."

    Jessie gets even angry and says "Well so what, she shouldn't just be getting things like that its rude!" Meowth says sarcastically
    "That's rude?" And Jessie hits him with her hair. Jessie thinks to herself and says
    "Why don't we go down there and take her for what its worth!"
    James said worriedly "You mean steal the girl and try to get Pikachu back that way?" Jessie stops and says "Well that's not what I meant but that's a brillaint plan, lets go!" Down where Ash,Hikari and Josh are, Team Galaxy appear. Team Rocket go appear as well from there Meowth baloon. Jessie says " Hey who are you and get out of our way!" Team Galaxy does there Team Galaxy dance and song.

    While they talk Ash,Hikari andJosh try to sneak away slowly without being spottedin the background.
    Josh says " Who are those dorks?"
    Ash then says "Well one group known as Team Rocket has been following me for years for my Pikachu, the other group is Team Galaxy, there after legendaryPokemon, I guess they figured if we were near by we'd have some"
    Hikari says angrily"What nerve of them to do that!"
    Ash says "Well theirvillains Hikari, their not going to just walk away and give up like that!"

    Hikari says "Well they should, there certianly not going to get what they want from us."
    Josh says "Your right as always Hikari" they both smile at each other. Ash gets angry and says "Well we best get going, don't want to miss my gym battle, right?", he pushes Hikari behind his back.

    Mean-While back with Team Rocket and Team Galaxy, Jessie looks down from the balloon and sees that Ash and the gang are not there. Jessie says "Hey they got away, that's it no more arguing, we have better things to do than." They float away in the bloon, Team Galxy notice that Ash and the gang are gone to and head off into thier direction.

    Ash is pushing Hikariwhile Josh comes forward and says "Wait a minute, why just run by without stoping and smellling the roses?" He offers her a rose. Ash gets angry red and looks for some thing, he sees a fourleave clover and picks it,
    and he says "Here Hikari a four-leafclover, to keep you lucky for always."
    Ash bowes and hands Hikair the fourleave clover, she smiles and says "Wow all this attention, its nice" She walks and holds out her elebows and says "Shallwe go boy's?"

    Both Ash and Josh see Hikari and smile next to each other while blushing . They both notice each other and try to fight to Hikari's arms first but end up triping over each other. Suddenly both Ash and Josh fall into a hole on top of each other. Ash says "Oh no its Team Rocket!" Suddenly Jessie/James/Meowth pop up over the whole, Josh says "What do you clowns want?!" Jessie says "The twarps knows, right?" Ash said " They want my pikachu!" James says "So good to know the boy's use to us by now," Meowth says "Well he should be since we've been here since, seven years now."
    Josh "You've been following this kid for 7 years for his Pikachu, you are loosers!"

    Jessie says "Well look who's fallen into our whole, tell me who's ontop now?" All three laugh. Ash says " You can't have my Pikachu!" And holds him tight, he backs next to Josh and tells Pikachu to use Thunderbolt, Josh calls out his Ratticate and tells him to use bite, this blasts them off, James says "Why didn't we wear electricproofoutfits this time?" Jessie says "I was out of money." Mean-While back in the whole Ash says "Thanks!" Josh says "Thanks? For what?" Ash says "If it wasn't for your help I'm sure Pikachu would have been a goner" Josh says " I'm sure you would have gotten rid of them yourselfs, you've been dealing with those three for a while now, right?"

    Ash leans back against the whole and says "Yah, but still its nice to have help when you need it, so again thank you!" Ash puts out his hand to Josh, happy. Josh looks at Ash suprised, smiles and than shakes it.
    Ash says "Every thing should be good from here." Suddenly Hikari screams loudly, both Ash and Josh hear this and look in shock and scream "Hikari!" And climbout of the hole.
    You use too much says, replace some with said, replied, shouted, called, etc.

    Some spelling mistakes, mostly minor but spelling Hikaris name Hikair?

    A bit more description would be very nice, what does Josh look like? What about Jessie and James? And mostly what does Team Galaxy look like?

    And a lot more plot. Its basically:
    Tim walks into the bar. He bought a beer. He got drunk. The end.

    but extended like

    Tim walks into the bar. He said to the barman "Gimme a beer. He then got drunk and fell to the floor. the end.

    The thing that unnerved me the most was

    Josh calls out his Ratticate and tells him to use bite, this blasts them off
    How does Raticate blast them off with a physical attack? It should be:

    Josh calls out his Ratticate and tells him to use bite. Raticate pounced on them, shook them in his jaws and let go, sending them into the air.
    And how does Josh call him out?

    Josh tookm out a red and white Pokeball, threw it onto the ground, releasing his brown and white Raticate and tells him to use bite. Raticate pounced on them, shook them in his jaws and let go, sending them into the
    air.
    How does he shout for it to use bite?

    Josh tookm out a red and white Pokeball, threw it onto the ground, releasing his brown and white Raticate and shouted,
    "Use bite!" Raticate pounced on them, shook them in his jaws and let go, sending them into the
    air.
    U N D E R C O N S T R U C T I O N

  23. #23
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    Ahh LOL You doubled post XD
    And I did another story on the first page, that one was in paragraphs, it may still have some grammer airs here and there but it should be a little better than the first three.

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