Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 60

Thread: To Become a Legend

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    98

    Default To Become a Legend

    Rani got bored and...scribbled something. It's likely to end up real short.

    Like many awesome authors, Rani submits her first fic.

    Unlike many awesome authors, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, Rani has no idea where she's going with this thing...



    To Become a Legend

    Prologue

    How to Become Great in Ten Easy Lessons

    If you were born in Blackthorn City, there is a lot you have to live up to. There is, of course, the expectation that you will eventually become a wonderful dragon trainer. There is the expectation that you will grow up to be a member of the exclusive conclave based somewhere deep within the caverns of Dragon’s Den. And there is the expectation that you will, no matter how crummy your grades were in Geography, one day journey the planet like every other poor defenseless kid who was shoved out there with a single not-all-that-strong-even-fortified-with-multiple-vitamins-no-preservatives-added Pokemon and become a Pokemon League champion. Or at least third place.

    It’s pretty much ridiculous, really.

    Unfortunately, I’m a victim of the system. I attend special academies – that’s right, there’s more than one – only the best of the best. I only ever get home at nine o’ clock; leave home at eight, get lunch at school, and make a Beedrill-line straight to after-school classes. I’m lucky if I ever get thirty minutes for dinner, usually some rancid sandwich bought from one of those hot-dog guys with the gas grills that nobody ever sees coming or going. And after all that, you’d think I’d get a chance to relax. But no, the torture continues in the form of homework, attacking me on my weakest flank: home. If I’m really really good that day, I might get some time off for a play date or whatever they call it with my friends.

    What friends? Like I even have a social life outside of school.

    Most of us don’t. I’m one of the lucky ones, in that my parents arranges for me to learn practical skills with actual Pokemon. This means interaction with other kids, and therefore ‘friends.’ I slave away at Battle Theory like everyone else, too, of course. My edge – and this edge, dear Mom and Dad are sure, will eventually land me a job at a Gym even if I don’t journey – is that I have my own Pokemon, unlike all the other kids. Dad says every single kid in this damn city – he gets upset about these things – looks identical to the high-ups who look at your resume. Dad says I need to look special on paper. Getting a Pokemon early on is the only way to it. You’d think everyone would be doing it, then, but the Conclave controls the entry of Pokemon, dragon or otherwise, into the city immaculately. You have to take tests and earn your ticket to society.

    A Pokemon gives you status at school. You become a Rich Kid. Your parents know how to pull some strings. Otherwise, how would you ever even look at a Pokemon that doesn’t belong to a grown-up? Only the cool kids have Pokemon. You’d think people would have Caterpies and Rattatas galore, wouldn’t you, with everyone so desperate to have their kids become trainers? But it’s harder than that. I wouldn’t understand. I’m just a kid. Me, the kid who’s supposed to get out there and flabbergast the whole entire world. Yeah, right. So I’m supposed to be one of the elite, because I have an education and I’m ever so special with a Pokemon and all. And yet I’m too dumb to understand Adult Matters. It’s ridiculous. This whole entire community is ridiculous. If the stories are true, things were much better the old way.

    They say it wasn’t always like this, here in Blackthorn. They say life was happy once, and the laughter of children rang in the streets. They say that the Conclave would sometimes make a present of baby Dratini to the school for us kids, and that there was only one school, none of these extra classes business.

    They say.

    They say it was Lance, the great Lance, the Golden One, who started it all. He has a statue up in front of the city hall, if you can believe that. And his team – Charizard, Aerodactyl, Dragonite, Flygon, Gyarados, and Salamence – all merrily spew water over their black-veined marble bodies smack in the middle of Blackthorn Plaza. It’s officially called the Fountain – great imaginations, our venerable elders – but everyone knows it’s really unspoken homage to the son who made us all so proud.

    Meanwhile, the rest of Blackthorn is absolutely drooling to get a fountain just like his. Hence the business with stuffing children in school for twelve hours a day, and the bit involving all the papers and credit and awards if you even ever thought about wanting to go to a decent college.

    All that’s fine. Really, it’s all fine with us. We’ve lived like that for our entire short lifetimes, after all. We don’t know what we’re missing, we think theory makes up the whole world. No wonder there’s so many kids who went off full of promise and ended up as a flunky at some dirty diploma-less laboratory somewhere.

    Our theory is that we’re being brainwashed to believe that success comes to those who try. We can scoff at that, because we’re forever hearing stories like that and we haven’t actually met someone who succeeded. Except our local Gym Leader, Clair, and, of course, the legendary Lance. Everyone knows Clair didn’t try. She didn’t try at all. We all knew Clair as a teenager. We were little kids then, single digits. But everyone knew Clair. Clair the snobby. Clair who brushed past us, the future of Blackthorn, with barely a nod. Clair who would set our beloved playground, the woods, on fire practicing with her oh-so-great Dratinis. Clair thought she was so great, because the Conclave voted her Gym Leader. And her grandfather led the Conclave. But us little kids, we knew different. Clair was Gym Leader ‘cause her grandpa let her be. Mom and Dad said so, drinking coffee at the kitchen table while we listened wide-eyed, so it must be true.

    And Lance?

    Lance is Lance. He isn’t real.

    He’s the Champion.

    He’s not one of us.

    Not anymore.
    Signature? What signature? I don't know what you're talking about.

    (how) to become a legend (in ten easy lessons)
    Rani's randomly scribbled OT 'fic that involves two kids with silly names

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    1,970

    Default

    Wow. I can’t remember the last time I got such a good impression from a prologue alone. The way things are done in Blackthorne seems very well thought-out here, and I just love the sheer amount of character in the speaker’s perception of it. The lead character is definitely opinionated, and those opinions are refreshing—seeing past all the glamours of that society and its obsessions instead of blindly following them. Very cool. ^^

    There’s also a nice attention to detail here; following are a couple of the details that I particularly liked:

    I’m lucky if I ever get thirty minutes for dinner, usually some rancid sandwich bought from one of those hot-dog guys with the gas grills that nobody ever sees coming or going.
    And his team – Charizard, Aerodactyl, Dragonite, Flygon, Gyarados, and Salamence – all merrily spew water over their black-veined marble bodies smack in the middle of Blackthorn Plaza. It’s officially called the Fountain – great imaginations, our venerable elders
    I especially liked the bolded part of that last one. That got a laugh out of me. XD



    I guess that’s really all I have to say for now since this is only the beginning of this story, but already I’m quite impressed with what I’ve read so far. I’ll definitely be sticking around for more. ^^
    DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK
    (Or do. I don't actually mind.)
    The Origin of Storms | Communication

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Wherever you want me to be.
    Posts
    42

    Default

    Very deep very intense shows that you have what it takes to be an author of great quality try to take out some of the unnesisary parts though there were only a couple and I would be happy to read more of your writing.
    Giddy Co-owner of the allmighty ~*~The Paper Mario Fanclub v3.0~*~ http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...21#post4072421
    Member Of:Split Evolution Fan Club and The Fukamaru/Gabaito/Gaburiasu Club!
    Playin
    Mystery Dungeon Blue.
    {My Bishie is Lute}Quote of the Week.:. Can we have a fiesta in class? my Friend

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    98

    Default

    Sike: Aww, thanks. Luffly review, that. Now Ranners departs to scribble more insanity and sardonic comments... which will undoubtedly be received with criticism. I await the criticism! -insane laughter-

    DawnOfXatu: Um, 'kay... What was really all that intense about my prologue? Some kid groaning about her WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE OMG doesn't seem so intense to me. I wonder if you could tell me what the unnecessary bits were?
    Signature? What signature? I don't know what you're talking about.

    (how) to become a legend (in ten easy lessons)
    Rani's randomly scribbled OT 'fic that involves two kids with silly names

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    3,049

    Default

    *latches herself onto it like an octopus*

    Luffly. Very luffly. I want to praise it, but Sike's said all the good bits, so I must say....I love the line about Lance not being real--nice and dramatic bit.

    The Battle theory classes and all these other academics sound like hell. @_@ Too much work and pressure on the ickle young'uns! Oh, and the no-preservatives-added Pokemon bit was brilliant.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    California
    Posts
    556

    Default

    very good!!!

    Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
    "I poop on you"

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Yo Mama
    Posts
    55

    Default

    This is very good. Cynical and opinionated - I love those type of characters. I agree with Kyohime, the last few lines made for a great dramatic impact.

    And I thought five hours of school a day was hell.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    In a box of insanity
    Posts
    24

    Default

    Wow that was amazing. I love how almost everything I read seemed to be filled with some kind of sarcasim. I can tell you're an amazing write. My favorite part of how you ended it.


    Quote Originally Posted by Rani Fernleaf View Post
    And Lance?

    Lance is Lance. He isn’t real.

    He’s the Champion.

    He’s not one of us.

    Not anymore.
    Last edited by Mirage; 26th August 2006 at 7:25 PM.


    Every heart has a shadow. And every shadow has a heart.
    >Mirage<


    My Trainer Card

    Trainer Card credit to me.
    Trainer Sprite credit to JaneJewel (Thank you so much!! ^__^ )

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    A mad mind-//+++
    Posts
    1,057

    Default

    ROFLMAO.

    RANI IS COOL.

    But seriously. O_O Wow. And I thought I was sarcastic, this character's got me ousted!

    Haha. In all serioussness, this is a lovely work. The character and realism of what Blackthorn is like just sucked me in. And the bit about Lance (as everyone else said) was priceless and thoroughly entertaining.

    I can't wait to see more. x333

    You've got a flair for conversation and point of views, and it's apparent in this. I will stick around and drink booze on the sidewalk of this story to see more greatness.


    VIVA!

    <3333

    PS. I wants to makes you a banner for this. xPPP;;;
    Last edited by xXSaberXx; 26th August 2006 at 8:23 PM.
    My Author Website

    First book sold to Viking/Penguin! ^^


    .__relive the legend__.

    *

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    I'm appalled by your stupidity
    Posts
    4,082

    Default

    Halfway through the fic I found myself wholeheartedly identifying myself with the narrator. All I can say is, it's a true reflection of what's happening in the education system right now, and the realism you've imparted in it gives it more of an edge. Extremely enjoyable prologue, and I'll be on the lookout for your next chapter.
    Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

  11. #11
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Now here, Nowhere
    Posts
    333

    Default

    To Become a Legend

    Prologue
    How to Become Great in Ten Easy Lessons
    Oh the irony... Achieving greatness is anything BUT easy!

    I know that feeling too, since I am one of those who has high expectations to live up to, and heavy burdens to carry. The life you just described WAS my life too! Seriously, does having parents who were the best among their families automatically mean that I'll also be the best among all my cousins? Looks very much to me that they're trying to make it so...>_> [/offtopicrant]

    This fic has immense potential for development... Find society's flaws in perception, strike hard and deep at each of them and tell your version of the truth... and that may very well turn out to be what all our silenced hearts have been yearning to yell out to the world!

    And Lance?

    Lance is Lance. He isn’t real.

    He’s the Champion.

    He’s not one of us.

    Not anymore.
    VERY cool ending for a prologue!

    Rani got bored and...scribbled something. It's likely to end up real short.
    It will only be if you choose it to be... You'll never know for sure until the final key is pressed!

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    939

    Default

    Omfffffg, this is awesome XD

    Quote Originally Posted by Rani Fernleaf
    Unlike many awesome authors, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, Rani has no idea where she's going with this thing...
    No, you got it all wrong...I think this fic will turn out pretty interesting XD you don't have to become well-known for it to mean your fic is cool. Continue, please. I'm interested XD

    And Lance?

    Lance is Lance. He isn’t real.

    He’s the Champion.

    He’s not one of us.

    Not anymore.
    I need to create a word that means 'more than interesting'

    So yeah, g'luck XD

    ~Timid Kyogre

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    98

    Default

    Ooh. Reviewers. Lots of them. o_0

    Ahh, don't expect too much of me. I could be panicking here trying to meet the awesomeness quota, y'know. But I love you all. Everyone's nice here XD

    Scrap
    ZOMG it's teh creator of Aeon! -runs to get Scrap's autograph- You amazing person you. I have to go review Aeon's first Interlude now, you reminded me =) Oh yes yes, our much-beloved main character hates her classes too. Ironically, she's very good at them, and is therefore ever-so-slightly bigheaded. She's biased as well, but I s'pose that was clear enough.

    killerkyogre14
    much thanks!!!eleventyone11!

    BenJS and Mirage
    Everyone likes the Lance bit. That is good, because we all have secret Lance shrines in our closets somewhere. Lance is pretty much a name to the folks at Blackthorn, albeit a rich and famous name. He's like the role model of all time. Everyone wants to be like him...or want their kids to be like him. So guess which poor downtrodden caste of Blackthorn hate his guts?

    Saber
    More luffly praise! DUN WORRY EVRY1, yes, that's right, evry1, Rani's doing her best not to kill herself over the revisement of the first aw-fisshul chapter. It's been getting way too crammed with memories that aren't really important.

    A banner would be lovely. May'aps we'll go over the pics and suchlike over PM?

    Hahahabvc87
    Hah. I just typed your username without looking. I'm so proud.

    Find society's flaws in perception, strike hard and deep at each of them and tell your version of the truth... and that may very well turn out to be what all our silenced hearts have been yearning to yell out to the world!
    Wow. That sounds all serious. I'm...scared? I think I'll lead a crusade so my fic can be banned in China. =)

    Frost Nova
    It was an evil, evil prologue that drew people in, and I'm afraid the rest might not match it XP But stay, stay, stay by all means!

    Timid Kyogre
    Rani wants to be interviewed by you. Oh yes I do. But the reality of waiting lists... -sigh-

    No, really, the framework of plottage is still just that: framework. This is an extremely ad-libbed fanfiction, unlike certain fics that were planned and revised and rewritten months before release. XD Ah well, I think I'll get all attached to it anyway.


    Because I've been a bad author, leaving people hanging with a single prologue (nooo!), here's a paragraph or two from the first chapter, that may or may not be cut. Hope you like it.

        Spoiler:- Blogging's fun, yep yep:


    -scuttles away to beat up said 'fic some more-
    Signature? What signature? I don't know what you're talking about.

    (how) to become a legend (in ten easy lessons)
    Rani's randomly scribbled OT 'fic that involves two kids with silly names

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    414

    Default

    Looks promising so far. I'll be keping my eye on this fic. I think everything I wanted to say has been said already, so I won't bother with it.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    516

    Default

    Man... some people get ALL the luck...

    Anyway, THAT was a great prologue. The way you portray Blackthorn City is quite original. And the ending was great as well.

    And the first person narrative is perfect - the way it was told was excellent.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    1,058

    Default W00t...

    *cough* Question - where have you been hiding?

    That introduction was F.A in my book - Freakin' Awesome.

    I've never had the guts to pull of telling any story in first person until just recently (one of the future chapters of my fic is in first person). But you did that prologue pretty damn well, IMO.

    The great personality you put in to the prologue made it seem a lot longer than it actually was, and I like that. I seriously looked back at where the chapter started, and after tapping the ^ on the right side of my browser very quickly, I realized that the title was right there and thought, "OMG - I thought it was longer than that."

    I'm definitely going to be keeping an eye on this fic. That's for sure.

    Dalton Gregg was a mostly-ordinary university student from the region once called Johto.
    Then a fateful encounter set him on a quest to change history.




  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Charmed Manor,San Francisco
    Posts
    646

    Default

    wow it grabbed me and pulled me into the story or prolouge as you call it but anyway the only flaw I could catch is sometimes it got a little hard to understand what you meant but other than that it was a great piece of writing and is so far???it had a great setting and great plot and from what I grabbed clair is the snob of the town right???and the gym leader like you said, becasue her grandfather let her be...
    ~*~*~ Yes I am A Charmed Fan Of~*~*~
    Prue, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige
    Bullets Hit Piper, Yeah Right
    Blood To Blood I summon Thee Blood To Blood Return to Me

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    98

    Default

    I LOVE YOU ALL. Seriously.

    One Charmed Dude: 'Kay? What was so hard to understand? Besides, there was like no plot there. Even though it could reasonably stand alone, no real plottage in that bit.
    Signature? What signature? I don't know what you're talking about.

    (how) to become a legend (in ten easy lessons)
    Rani's randomly scribbled OT 'fic that involves two kids with silly names

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Charmed Manor,San Francisco
    Posts
    646

    Default

    well when I say plot I mean like the whole writing piece it was really good and what was so hard to understand just bits and pieces here and there I had to reread to know what you were talking about...
    Last edited by One Charmed Dude; 9th September 2006 at 7:10 PM.
    ~*~*~ Yes I am A Charmed Fan Of~*~*~
    Prue, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige
    Bullets Hit Piper, Yeah Right
    Blood To Blood I summon Thee Blood To Blood Return to Me

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    98

    Default

    Specifically, please. I think I need some criticism.
    Last edited by Rani Fernleaf; 9th September 2006 at 7:18 PM.
    Signature? What signature? I don't know what you're talking about.

    (how) to become a legend (in ten easy lessons)
    Rani's randomly scribbled OT 'fic that involves two kids with silly names

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Charmed Manor,San Francisco
    Posts
    646

    Default

    ok fine the first paragraph being
    Quote Originally Posted by Rani Fernleaf
    A Pokemon gives you status at school. You become a Rich Kid. Your parents know how to pull some strings. Otherwise, how would you ever even look at a Pokemon that doesn’t belong to a grown-up? Only the cool kids have Pokemon. You’d think people would have Caterpies and Rattatas galore, wouldn’t you, with everyone so desperate to have their kids become trainers? But it’s harder than that. I wouldn’t understand. I’m just a kid. Me, the kid who’s supposed to get out there and flabbergast the whole entire world. Yeah, right. So I’m supposed to be one of the elite, because I have an education and I’m ever so special with a Pokemon and all. And yet I’m too dumb to understand Adult Matters. It’s ridiculous. This whole entire community is ridiculous. If the stories are true, things were much better the old way.
    in that paragraph you kind of jumped back and fourth, like from you are a rich kid if you have a pokemon, after that you said the only time you would see a pokemon is if it belonged to and adult, then you'r paragrahs should be seperated if you ask me at and yet I'm too dumb, it is a different subject, sure it has to do with the paragraph but it would flow better if those two parts were seperated...get it???yes it would be a short paragraph but it would flow smoother like this
    A Pokemon gives you status at school. You become a Rich Kid. Your parents know how to pull some strings. Otherwise, how would you ever even look at a Pokemon that doesn’t belong to a grown-up? Only the cool kids have Pokemon. You’d think people would have Caterpies and Rattatas galore, wouldn’t you, with everyone so desperate to have their kids become trainers? But it’s harder than that. I wouldn’t understand. I’m just a kid. Me, the kid who’s supposed to get out there and flabbergast the whole entire world. Yeah, right. So I’m supposed to be one of the elite, because I have an education and I’m ever so special with a Pokemon and all.

    And yet I’m too dumb to understand Adult Matters. It’s ridiculous. This whole entire community is ridiculous. If the stories are true, things were much better the old way.
    ~*~*~ Yes I am A Charmed Fan Of~*~*~
    Prue, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige
    Bullets Hit Piper, Yeah Right
    Blood To Blood I summon Thee Blood To Blood Return to Me

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    98

    Default

    No, actually it wouldn't. See, the 'and yet I'm too dumb to understand' bit ties in with the one, two, three, four, actually the whole paragraph before it. Your parents got you a Pokemon, which is the only way you an' your friends'll ever get to gawk at one. You're a cool kid because you have one. You're ever so special, yet you're just not Old Enough...

    I'd have thought that would be familiar to EVERYONE, but apparently not.
    Signature? What signature? I don't know what you're talking about.

    (how) to become a legend (in ten easy lessons)
    Rani's randomly scribbled OT 'fic that involves two kids with silly names

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Charmed Manor,San Francisco
    Posts
    646

    Default

    ok well I guess it was just my opinion... but seriously I think it would look better...
    ~*~*~ Yes I am A Charmed Fan Of~*~*~
    Prue, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige
    Bullets Hit Piper, Yeah Right
    Blood To Blood I summon Thee Blood To Blood Return to Me

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    25

    Default

    Wow. I only like first-person if you can pull off the voice of the narrarator convincingly. And dang, did you convince me. Yay for sarcastic wit. Yay for the awesome description of the Fountain.

    I want more. =] [ And a Fountain for myself, darnit. I guess I live in Blackthorn. xP. ]
    - Senator Kiwi
    [ u n d e r c o n s t r u c t i o n ]
    Please read my new fic, Pokemon: Argent!
    Chapter Two: Don't Bug Me; I'll Bug You! is up and ready for reading and reviews.
    Chapter Three: Sugar and Spice is 0% complete.

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Charmed Manor,San Francisco
    Posts
    646

    Default

    he did do very well in the first person didn't he??? he did great!!!
    ~*~*~ Yes I am A Charmed Fan Of~*~*~
    Prue, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige
    Bullets Hit Piper, Yeah Right
    Blood To Blood I summon Thee Blood To Blood Return to Me

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •