Results 1 to 17 of 17

Thread: A Fiery Red Heart (Abilityshipping PG)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    With Psychic and Bug types!
    Posts
    1,033

    Default A Fiery Red Heart (Abilityshipping PG)

    My old thread was closed because a certain someone didn't count the columms. So here it is AGAIN.


    In a balmy night, two Pokemon were talking. A purple cat like Pokemon and a yellow mouse Pokemon. Espeon and Pikachu. ``Pika pika Pikachu?’’``Espeon eon,’’ We have no clue what they are saying, so I’ll translate it! ``We need to find a way to get Ash and Anabel together,’’ Espeon said. ``I say we attack them!’’ Pikachu responded. ``Well, chances are they’ll never see each other again!’’ Espeon said sounding a bit worried. ``Hey, Pikachu it’s time we getsome sleep,’’ Ash yelled. ``Pika Pika,’’ Pikachu said as it walked into the tent.``Pikapi pika pika pikachu?’’ ``Pikachu, would I want to go and see Anabel again?’’Ash asked even though it was obvious he did want to see her again. ``ASH KETCHUM!!!’’ May screamed extremely loudly. ``It is very obvious that you two are in love,’’ ``You don’t need to scream so loudly. Max whined. What are you yelling about?’’ ``Can’t we just forget about it till morning?’’ Brock suggested. ``OK,’’ May said reluctantly. ``Yeah, that’s a good idea,’’ Ash said hoping everyone would forget about it. Unfortunatly for him everyone remembered. ``Ash, what was I’ll that screaming about?’’ Max asked. ``Nothing,’’ Ash replied hoping it would all stop and everyone would forget about it.

    ``You really think we’ll buy that?’’ Brock asked. ``Maybe it has to do with Anabel. May said ``Ever since she shook hands with him he’s been acting odd,’’ ``May, you might be onto something,’’Brock said. ``Hey, Brock what are you going to do teach Ash about love?’’ Max teased. ``That’s a great idea!’’ Brock reaponded. ``But it was a joke,’’ Max said sounding very worried. `` I don’t care, that’s a great idea!’’ `` Brock, you can’t teach me about love because, has a girl ever liked you?’’ Brock, sounding a bit annoyed by this remark, yelled,`` Lucy did,’’ Everyone paused for about five seconds, not being annoyed, but confused. ``How about we just stop arguing and just start training?’’ May suggested, obviously annoyed by all the arguing. ``Yeah, May’s right,’’ Max said. ``That’s a good idea,’’ Ash said relived. ``Pikachu c’mon let’s go and get ready for the Battle Pyarimid!’’ ``Pika! Pika! Pikachu!’’ Pikachu said happily. `` I’m going by the river to train,’’ Ash said happily.

    ``I’ll go and train there too,’’ May said wanting to talk to Ash and maybe battle hin. ``Okay, fine,’’ Ash responded. When they got to the river they were surprised to find a girl who looked about ten or eleven training with a Treecko, Beautifly and Wigglytuff. She seemed to notice them, because she walked over and asked who they were. ``I’m Ash Ketchum and this is May,’’ `` Okay, I’m Kanna,’’ The girl responded. ``Alright, do you wanna battle?’’ ``Ash, that’s not what you ask someone when you first meet!’’ May said sounding VERY annoyed. To her shock, Kanna was just fine with it and wanted to battle. ``Then I guess I’ll judge,’’ ``We’ll each use three pokemon is that okay with you, Kanna?’’ ``It’s fine’’ She responded. ``I’ll choose first, Ash said. Go, Sceptile!’’ ``Okay, I choose Beautifly!’’ The butterfly Pokemon popped out of its ball and looked ready to fight. ``Sceptile, Leaf Blade!’’ Ash ordered. `` Beautifly, dodge and use Silver wind!’’ Silver Wind, being super effective, did a lot of damage and Sceptile was barely standing! `` Beautifly, finish it with Psychic Beam!’’ Beatutifly gathered up energy for the attack, was very badly damaged when Sceptile, managing to launch a Solar Beam, hit it and almost knocked it out, despite being strong against grass attacks. The Solar Beam also stopped it from attacking. ``Alright Beauitfly try String Shot!’’ `` Sceptile, dodge that and use Bullet Seed!’’ Sceptile launched the seeds at Beautifly, easily knocking it out. `` Beautifly is unable to battle! Sceptile wins!’’ May announced. `` Return Beauitfly,’’ ``Alright Kanna, what’s your next Pokemon?’’ ``Go, Myakata!’’ A newly discovered Pokemon that had seeds around its neck and arms made of leafs….
    The pokemon came out of the ball, doing a little dance with leafs.

    ``What’s that?’’ Ash said now very confused. ``Watch out Sceptile!’’

    ``Myakata, Leaf Chop!’’

    The Pokemon used the leafs on it’s arms (which now looked very sharp) to perform a amazing attack. Within seconds Sceptile was knocked out.

    ``Sceptile, return!’’ Ash said. ``Okay, now go Swellow!’’ Swellow swooped down at Myakata, but it dodged.

    ``Swellow, Aerial Ace!’’ The unavoidable attack, hurt Myakata badly, but it still could fight.

    ``Myakata, try Solar Beam!’’ The attack took time to charge, and almost succeded, but Swellow snuck up and used another Aerial Ace. This time it knocked it out.

    ``Return Myakata,’’ Kanna said. ``Go, Wigglytuff!’’

    The pink pokemon popped out of its ball and jumped on to the battle field.

    ``Wigglytuff, Thunderbolt!’’ Thunderbolt easily took down Swellow.

    ``Return, Swellow!”

    ``Alright, Ash what’s your next pokemon?’’ Kanna asked.

    ``Pikachu, go!’’ Ash said.

    The yellow pokemon jumped into battle.

    ``Slam straight into Wigglytuff!’’ Ash ordered.

    Pikachu did so and bounced straight off.

    ``What?’’ Ash said confused.

    ``Wigglytuff just used its body to absorb the attack,’’ Kanna commented.

    ``Alright, Pikachu use Thunderbolt!’’ Ash ordered.

    The attack hit, but it didn’t do much.

    ``Wigglytuff, Psychic!’’ Wigglytuff used the attack, but Pikachu avoided it.
    ``Pikachu, Volt Tackle! Pikachu began runnging for Wigglytuff……
    Mint, your cuteness has earned you my bishie!

    This is FastBlade, the Scepario, made by me.. PM me to battle her! Or send her Candy for 5 levels! Level: 75 Moves: Wave Guiding Bomb, In-Fight, Leaf Blade, Leafy Punch

    Credit to Mega Trickster!

    ~*My awesome, 1 of a kind pair is Sakura Kinomoto!~*

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    With Psychic and Bug types!
    Posts
    1,033

    Default

    Chapter 2:

    Pikachu launched the attack, doing incredible damage.

    ``Wigglytuff, Solarbeam!’’ Kanna ordered.

    Wigglytuff took in energy for the attack, but Pikachu used Iron Tail knocking it out.

    ``Wigglytuff!!!!’’Kanna screamed in shock.

    ``I’ll get you……….’’ Kanna said who seemed angry.

    ``But I won fairly,’’ Ash said.

    ``He did, Kanna,’’ May said confused as always.

    ``If you’d like, we can have a rematch later,’’ Ash said.

    ``She’s gone,’’ May responded even more confused.

    ``Let’s go back to the tent,’’ Ash suggested.

    ``Good idea’’

    They walked back to the tent not saying a word.

    ``What took you so long?’’ Max asked.

    ``It’s a long story,’’ Ash said.

    ``Tell me. I have the time,’’ Max said sounding suspicious.

    ``Max, don’t go so hard on them,’’ Brock said.

    ``But…..,’’ Max said who was smacked by May.

    ``And I didn’t stay at the Battle Tower because……?’’ Ash thought.

    ``Look, you do what you want and I’ll start making dinner,’’ Brock said annoyed.

    ``Alright, and tomorrow I’ll challenge the Battle Tower again!’’ Ash said.

    At this comment everyone looked at Ash.

    ``You still haven’t beaten Anabel yet?’’

    ``Nobody asked you.’’ Ash said to May.

    ``Hahaha! I mean-you lost to A GIRL?!?’’ Max said almost fainting.

    ``Who said girls can’t be strong?’’ May said annoyed and angry at her brother.

    ``Fine! I’m going back and challenging her again!’’ Ash said wanting to prove he could beat Anabel.

    Pikachu launched the attack, doing incredible damage.

    ``Wigglytuff, Solarbeam!’’ Kanna ordered.

    Wigglytuff took in energy for the attack, but Pikachu used Iron Tail knocking it out.

    ``Wigglytuff!!!!’’Kanna screamed in shock.

    ``I’ll get you……….’’ Kanna said who seemed angry.

    ``But I won fairly,’’ Ash said.

    ``He did, Kanna,’’ May said confused as always.

    ``If you’d like, we can have a rematch later,’’ Ash said.

    ``She’s gone,’’ May responded even more confused.

    ``Let’s go back to the tent,’’ Ash suggested.

    ``Good idea’’

    They walked back to the tent not saying a word.

    ``What took you so long?’’ Max asked.

    ``It’s a long story,’’ Ash said.

    ``Tell me. I have the time,’’ Max said sounding suspicious.

    ``Max, don’t go so hard on them,’’ Brock said.

    ``But…..,’’ Max said who was smacked by May.

    ``And I didn’t stay at the Battle Tower because……?’’ Ash thought.

    ``Look, you do what you want and I’ll start making dinner,’’ Brock said annoyed.

    ``Alright, and tomorrow I’ll challenge the Battle Tower again!’’ Ash said.

    At this comment everyone looked at Ash.

    ``You still haven’t beaten Anabel yet?’’

    ``Nobody asked you.’’ Ash said to May.

    ``Hahaha! I mean-you lost to A GIRL?!?’’ Max said almost fainting.

    ``Who said girls can’t be strong?’’ May said annoyed and angry at her brother.

    In a few minutes, Ash came back to the Battle Tower.

    ``Alright Anabel, even though I love you, I won’t lose……..’’


    Please say you honest opinions! But they can't be mean! Unless they're a suggestion!!
    Last edited by Sailor Merury; 9th September 2006 at 3:13 AM.
    Mint, your cuteness has earned you my bishie!

    This is FastBlade, the Scepario, made by me.. PM me to battle her! Or send her Candy for 5 levels! Level: 75 Moves: Wave Guiding Bomb, In-Fight, Leaf Blade, Leafy Punch

    Credit to Mega Trickster!

    ~*My awesome, 1 of a kind pair is Sakura Kinomoto!~*

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Under the Indigo Plateau
    Posts
    5,964

    Default

    No offense, but even reading it through a couple of times, I still couldn't quite follow it. :/ Not only that but doing things like introducing a 'newly discovered Pokemon!!!1' kind of just screams 'kiddish' right in my face.

    Not to mention you have way too much dialogue in too little a space :/ You might ALSO want to expand on your vocabulary.



    Purrrrrrr.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    With Psychic and Bug types!
    Posts
    1,033

    Default

    Execuse me as I EDIT my above post and say don't say anything mean. Unless it's a suggestion.
    Mint, your cuteness has earned you my bishie!

    This is FastBlade, the Scepario, made by me.. PM me to battle her! Or send her Candy for 5 levels! Level: 75 Moves: Wave Guiding Bomb, In-Fight, Leaf Blade, Leafy Punch

    Credit to Mega Trickster!

    ~*My awesome, 1 of a kind pair is Sakura Kinomoto!~*

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Under the Indigo Plateau
    Posts
    5,964

    Default

    Except I didn't. I definitely gave you constructive criticism. :/ And that was being nice.



    Purrrrrrr.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    With Psychic and Bug types!
    Posts
    1,033

    Default

    Grrr.....Curse you, logic! Well, thank you for remebering me to add that.
    Mint, your cuteness has earned you my bishie!

    This is FastBlade, the Scepario, made by me.. PM me to battle her! Or send her Candy for 5 levels! Level: 75 Moves: Wave Guiding Bomb, In-Fight, Leaf Blade, Leafy Punch

    Credit to Mega Trickster!

    ~*My awesome, 1 of a kind pair is Sakura Kinomoto!~*

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    With Psychic and Bug types!
    Posts
    1,033

    Default

    Chapter 3:

    Ash attempted to open the door, but it was locked.

    ``That’s odd. It’s only…..11:00 at night!’’ Ash said.

    Feeling like an idiot, Ash walked back to the tent.

    ``I knew you’d come walking back,’’ Max said as he saw Ash.

    ``THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TIME IT WAS?!?’’ Ash said angrily.

    ``Why didn’t you ask?’’ Max responded.

    ``You two should just wait till morning,’’ May said.

    ``I guess you’re right,’’ Max said reluctantly.

    ``Yeah, and then I’ll defeat Anabel!,’’

    ``Yeah, you can’t lose to a girl 3 times!’’

    ``Who says he can’t?’’ May said annoyed by all the “boys are better than girls.”

    ``Who’s side are you on?’’ Max said acting like the kid he is.

    Brock, annoyed by all this shouting, decided to do something about it.

    `` Will you three quit arguing?!?’’ He yelled.

    ``She started it,’’ Max said pointing to May.

    ``Just QUIT IT!’’ May yelled at the top of her lungs.

    ``Both of you should do that,’’ Brock responded.

    ``Let’s just get some sleep and deal with it in the morning,’’ Ash suggested.
    ``Fine Ash, good idea,’’ Max said.

    In the morning, Ash started training early.

    ``Alright Pikachu, you ready to challenge Anabel again?’’ Ash asked the yellow pokemon.

    ``Pika, Pika, Pikachu, Chupika!’’ The yellow pokemon responded.

    ``Okay, then Iron Tail that tree, Pikachu! Ash said to the yellow mouse.

    ``Heracross, Megahorn that log!’’ Ash said to the bug and fighting pokemon.

    ``Sceptile, Leaf Blade the grass!’’ Ash ordered the reptile.
    Mint, your cuteness has earned you my bishie!

    This is FastBlade, the Scepario, made by me.. PM me to battle her! Or send her Candy for 5 levels! Level: 75 Moves: Wave Guiding Bomb, In-Fight, Leaf Blade, Leafy Punch

    Credit to Mega Trickster!

    ~*My awesome, 1 of a kind pair is Sakura Kinomoto!~*

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Battle Tower
    Posts
    1,122

    Default

    Sorry but all I see, espically in your last chapter is a bunch of crappy made dialogue which could have been a lot better if you also added paragraphs to the flesh of the dialogue.

    Your description is also just horrible and I'll point out why.

    Allright Pikachu, you ready to challenge Anabel again?’’ Ash asked the yellow pokemon.
    Okay based on the description you have given me....I see a yellow blob. Try to add on to the flesh of the needed description.

    This really sounds meh, not well done at all so I think you need to put some though into your next chapter and read some other well done shipping fics. Cause really, this was just horrible.
    Anime Bishie: Dorapion
    Clamied Ships
    Wes X Rui - Pokemon Collosseum
    Ron X Yori - Kim Possible

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    With Psychic and Bug types!
    Posts
    1,033

    Default

    *sigh* I wish people would read....DO NOT, AND I REPEAT, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING MEAN ABOUT EVEN IF IT'S A SUGGESTION!!! One more thing like that=close and I never write a fic again. You've been warned. P.S I hate Bannetes.
    Mint, your cuteness has earned you my bishie!

    This is FastBlade, the Scepario, made by me.. PM me to battle her! Or send her Candy for 5 levels! Level: 75 Moves: Wave Guiding Bomb, In-Fight, Leaf Blade, Leafy Punch

    Credit to Mega Trickster!

    ~*My awesome, 1 of a kind pair is Sakura Kinomoto!~*

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Battle Tower
    Posts
    1,122

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sailor Merury View Post
    *sigh* I wish people would read....DO NOT, AND I REPEAT, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING MEAN ABOUT EVEN IF IT'S A SUGGESTION!!! One more thing like that=close and I never write a fic again. You've been warned. P.S I hate Bannetes.
    Sorry but you really needed to know that if you wanna get out of the dumps of horribly done fanfiction.

    But you can improve by improving on what I found was wrong, reading other good fanfiction and take your time GOOD CHAPTERS DON'T COME OUT IN A DAY OF EACH OTHER!
    Anime Bishie: Dorapion
    Clamied Ships
    Wes X Rui - Pokemon Collosseum
    Ron X Yori - Kim Possible

  11. #11

    Default

    VERY Bad puncuation(Sp?)
    Lacks Description
    Bad Paragraphing
    Thats just some things wrong with it.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    With Psychic and Bug types!
    Posts
    1,033

    Default

    Does anyone listen? Execuse me as I make a banned list.

    Banned for today:
    Deathborn 606


    RR, I'm willing to let you go.
    Mint, your cuteness has earned you my bishie!

    This is FastBlade, the Scepario, made by me.. PM me to battle her! Or send her Candy for 5 levels! Level: 75 Moves: Wave Guiding Bomb, In-Fight, Leaf Blade, Leafy Punch

    Credit to Mega Trickster!

    ~*My awesome, 1 of a kind pair is Sakura Kinomoto!~*

  13. #13

    Default

    I have a suggestion.
    Make a chapter at least three MS Word pages long.
    I have an offer.
    Would you like me to beta read your chapters and fix them up a little?
    If yes, just PM me the chapters.
    Under construction ^_^;;

  14. #14
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    With Psychic and Bug types!
    Posts
    1,033

    Default

    OK, thanks.....I still wonder why I let you off though.....
    Mint, your cuteness has earned you my bishie!

    This is FastBlade, the Scepario, made by me.. PM me to battle her! Or send her Candy for 5 levels! Level: 75 Moves: Wave Guiding Bomb, In-Fight, Leaf Blade, Leafy Punch

    Credit to Mega Trickster!

    ~*My awesome, 1 of a kind pair is Sakura Kinomoto!~*

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Battle Tower
    Posts
    1,122

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sailor Merury View Post
    Does anyone listen? Execuse me as I make a banned list.

    Banned for today:
    Deathborn 606


    RR, I'm willing to let you go.
    Coughthereareworsecriticsthenmeouttherecough

    CoughYamiRyuCough

    So really when Phantom Bugsy gave you consturctive crtisism you didn't follow it, cause I saw no improvement in the next chapter after that.

    Cause really I think the only thing that's really gonna help is harsh critisim to this work of yours.

    And if you really wan't me to stop THEN IMPROVE based on what I said!
    Anime Bishie: Dorapion
    Clamied Ships
    Wes X Rui - Pokemon Collosseum
    Ron X Yori - Kim Possible

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Delarus, Usea
    Posts
    717

    Default

    The fic itself looks okay, but I think you're going to have to fix all the punctuation and paragraphing to make it an easier read before reviewers can go into further depth and detail than that. I can help you, if you like.


    Made by Voltaic

    Arrow has claimed Altoshipping in the Couple Claiming Thread Ver. 3.0! Also supports Abilityshipping and Chikoshipping...and BoltBeamShipping (Articuno/Zapdos), and Pidgeot/Swellow, which as far as I know don't have names yet

    Claimed Larry "Pixy" Foulke from Ace Combat Zero as my bishie, 'cause he's one hell of a fighter pilot. And he's got an awesome plane.

    Proud owner of the Flying Type Pokemon Fanclub!!!
    Where the name of "Arrow" comes from

  17. #17
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    With Psychic and Bug types!
    Posts
    1,033

    Default

    Okay, thanks.
    Mint, your cuteness has earned you my bishie!

    This is FastBlade, the Scepario, made by me.. PM me to battle her! Or send her Candy for 5 levels! Level: 75 Moves: Wave Guiding Bomb, In-Fight, Leaf Blade, Leafy Punch

    Credit to Mega Trickster!

    ~*My awesome, 1 of a kind pair is Sakura Kinomoto!~*

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •