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Thread: The Travels of Cash (G)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    271

    Default The Travels of Cash (G)

    My First FanFic, and I would love some constructive critizm.

    The Travels of Cash!

    Chapter 1:

    Cash shot through the front door, and followed the winding path to the lab. Professor Pine stood near the entrance. Cash was there to receive his first Pokemon. He had been wanting a Pokemon since before he could remember, and finally he would get one.

    “Welcome Cash!” Professor Pine said to the excited boy.

    “Hello Professor!” Cash said. “Did the new Pokemon arrive yet?”

    “They sure did, Cash. Come along.” The professor said as he directed Cash to the front of the lab. When Cash entered he realized that they weren’t in the lab alone. He noticed Beth, his long time rival, and crush. The boy hoped that Beth hadn’t noticed his face as it turned a cherry red color.

    “Cash,” Beth said, “look at my new Pokemon!” Beth grabbed a pokeball from her belt, and released a beam of red light which soon turned into a Pochama. Cash hadn’t seen a Pochama this close before, he immediately ran up to it, and played with it. “You should get your Pokemon, Cash.” Beth said.

    “Where are they professor?” The boy asked.

    “Right over there on the table,” Professor Pine said, and pointed at a small, white table that had two pokeballs on it, of course Pochama was taken. The professor released the other two, a small ape swung out of the first ball “Hiko?” it said, as it jumped on to Cash’s shoulder. The second ball released a small turtle like Pokemon. “Nae, nae!” the Pokemon announced. “Hmmm…”

    “Well, what will it be, Cash?”

    “I think I like this guy right here on my shoulder.”

    “Great that is Hikozaru, he is a handful, but I am sure that you will be good to him.” Professor Pine told Cash. The professor gave Cash the pokeball, but Cash decided to let Hikozaru stay out.

    “Oh, Cash, let’s have a battle to celebrate our new Pokemon!” Beth said. Each of the kids was beaming out of sheer happiness, Cash agreed, and they headed outside to have some more room.

    Beth called upon Pochama to battle. The tiny penguin Pokemon scurried into the hodge-podge arena. Cash sent Hikozaru on to the field, and commanded him to scratch Pochama. Hikozaru charged with his claws extended, and brought his hand across Pochama’s face. Beth commanded Pochama to use pound. Pochama then steadied itself for the slap, but it missed Hikozaru, as the monkey scratched Pochama again, and finally knocking it out. Cash did a little dance, as Beth congratulated him.

    “Your Pokemon is strong! I hope you get stronger, cause I am gonna beat you one day, Cash!” Beth told him. Cash smiled, and Beth went back into the lab.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    149

    Default

    Extremely cliched. Most author would try to avoid this beginning. But if you are new to fic, its suitable for you.

    And I'm sure Cash must be inspired by Johnny Cash or money itself. LoL.
    Pearl Name and FC:GOD and 5026 0894 6157


    ^Current Team^

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    4,501

    Default

    Not only that, but the battle was as stunning as .. watching a slug travel over a leaf. The pokemon have no personality, they show no pain, no emotion, nothing when they fought. It was also extremely short, and rushed- the story and the battle. The description for people and pokemon is poor, the characters are all very bland, and there's little to no originality in this. Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors and Rules before making a second 'chapter'.

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