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Thread: Brightening up your life Advanceshipping rated PG-13

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2006

    Default Brightening up your life Advanceshipping rated PG-13

    Yay,first fanfic!*giggles like crazy*Ahem,sorry...give your opinions,positive and negative.If my writing style is okay to some,I may just post another...

    Brightening up your life

    "You see,she seems too depressed.She didn't even react when Shuu passed her a HUGE box of chocolates.And when I mean huge,I mean REALLY huge!So...whaddya think I should do??"

    Kasumi gave Satoshi a quizzical look.

    "Well...if I were THAT depressed,I'd go for an outing.Like for Haruka's case,maybe you should bring her out for lunch,a walk at a beach after that to cheer her up.Then,bring her to someplace that she likes,no?"

    With that,Kasumi hung up involuntarily,due to a wandering Psyduck that tripped over a cable.

    Satoshi fidgeted nervously.He really wished he did this with a group of friends."Welp,too late to turn back now..."He plastered his goofy trademark Satoshi grin."...FOR HARUKA-"

    "Heard someone yelling outside the door,so its you,eh?"Haruka opened the door.

    Satoshi tried to smile.Haruka hasn't been doing well.Her sapphire eyes were once so bright.Now it was replaced by a pair of glum eyes with black rings round it.She had gotten skinnier;Satoshi could tell.

    "Haruka,I booked two seats at that infamous spagetti restaurant you bugged me to go to the last time,wanna come?"Satoshi asked with the biggest cutest eyes that even the toughest men couldn't resist.


    "If I tell you that they just set up their biggest outlet there AND sell one of the best ramen soup would you come?"

    Haruka's eyes lit up.She couldn't resist both."I'll go change."

    Satoshi could feel her excitement building up.Hopefully she changes into something nice...Satoshi snapped out of his thought.

    Meanwhile,Haruka washed herself up.She heard from Kasumi that Satoshi was going to give her a surprise today.She peered at herself in the mirror.

    "Oh dear,this won't do...okay Mission Makeover had just begun!"she smiled as she started to doll herself up.

    In mere minutes,Haruka was out.Satoshi gawked at her sudden change.Her eyes were cheery.She wore her usual clothes,making her look,as Satoshi interpreted,'fatter'.

    "Well?What are you waiting for?Come on,let's go eat some ramen!"Haruka dragged Satoshi out.

    Yeah,this will be a nice day...Satoshi thought to himself.

    Is..that enough??Ahahaha,my holidays are here,so I'll try and update everyday.
    If it's a crime to be stupid, you'd probably get the death sentence.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Wouldn't you like to know?


    LOL! I like this chapter! You have a very good beginning and it does have a promise, so plz update!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Battle Tower


    One thing I don't like it the fact whenever you insert a quotation mark after someone is talking or when you insert a period or comma you don't space the next word and the period/comma/quotation out. Just a silly grammar error you should fix up on in the next chapters.

    Satoshi tried to smile.Haruka hasn't been doing well.Her sapphire eyes were once so bright.Now it was replaced by a pair of glum eyes with black rings round it.She had gotten skinnier;Satoshi could tell.
    Why do I have a slight feeling that Haruka has become anorexic.

    Nothing really of great quality here, not too many things at all to be interseted by. Read some 4 or 5 star fics in the Shipping fic forum, learn some things off them and improve.
    Anime Bishie: Dorapion
    Clamied Ships
    Wes X Rui - Pokemon Collosseum
    Ron X Yori - Kim Possible

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    the Reverse World


    Make it longer and revise, please. -.-
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

    Status: Chaptered | R | Contestshipping | Finished

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