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Thread: Tears in Heaven (advanceshipping)

  1. #1
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    Post Tears in Heaven (advanceshipping)

    Well hi guys this is my first fan-fic so i don't know how well i'll go. well please enjoyed my story. please comment! srry if i put too many bad words in my story.

    This is a advanceshipping story. (Rating PG)

    Chapter 1
    “Please wake up Misty”

    “Misty please wake up!”
    “Sir I’m asking for you to wait here”
    “But Misty needs me!”
    “I’m sorry but I’m asking you to stay here”
    “Let me in please”
    “I’m sorry”

    The emergency's doors were slam shut and Ash fell to the ground leaning on the doors.

    “It’s my fault Pikachu”
    “Pika Pi!”
    “It is Pikachu! If Misty and I didn’t fight this will never happen”

    Soon a brown haired girl with a green bandana came in running to a nurse who was heading to the emergency room.

    “Umm nurse do you know a girl with orange hair that came in?”
    “Yes I do. I’m actually heading to her right now”
    “Can you take me there?”
    “Of course. Come follow me”
    “Thankyou nurse”

    The nurse were running to the emergency room were the browned haired girl with a green bandana saw Ash sad as ever.

    “ASH!”

    Ash looked up and saw it was May.

    “May?”

    May came running to Ash and sat down next to him.

    “Ash is it true?”
    “What?”
    “About Misty and the accident?”
    “It’s true”
    “How did it happen?”
    “Misty and I had a fight”
    “About what?”

    Then Delia and Professor Oak came running to Ash and May.

    “Dear are you okay?”
    “I dunno”
    “Don’t worry Ash. Misty will be fine”
    “I hope so Professor Oak”
    “She will be fine Ash”

    Everyone was waiting for the Doctor that it was past midnight till the Doctor came out. May was sleeping on Ash’s shoulder and Delia and Professor Oak were chatting and having coffee together. Ash woke up May and saw the Doctor heading towards Ash.

    “Are you Ash Ketchum, Misty‘s boyfriend?”
    “Yeah that’s me”
    “How is Misty Doc?”
    “Well we did our best but she..”
    “She what Doc?”
    “She’s not breathing”

    Ash got up from the chair and grab the Doctor’s shirt.

    “MISTY IS NOT DEAD!”
    “Calm down Ash”
    “Pikachu!”

    Delia and Professor Oak hear this and ran to the Doctor while May was hugging Ash back so he won’t bash up the Doctor in some much anger.

    “What is happening here Doctor?”
    “Well Misty is dead. She was dead on arrival”
    “That’s not true!”
    “Ash please! Your waking up the other people!”
    “I don’t give a damn!. Show me Misty now!”
    “Well please follow me then”

    Ash and May followed while Delia and Professor Oak followed behind. They came in the room and saw Misty’s body covered by a white blanket. Ash was so shocked that May had to help him walk to Misty. Ash pull the cover and saw Misty’ face. It looked like she was sleeping but this time she will never wake up. Ash hugged Misty in tears. Not even Delia had seen her son cry like this before. Ash punched the steel bed with his fist that it started to bleed.

    “It’s all my damn fault!”

    May hugged Ash to make him feel better.

    “Ash it’s not your fault”
    “Yes it is! If we never fight this will never happen”
    “Ash, boyfriends and girlfriends always have fights. This is just one of dose unfortunate event that end up in a accident. Even Drew and I have fights that..”
    “End up as death”
    “Oh Ash, It‘s going to be okay”

    Then Lily, Daisy and Violet came in running and pushing Ash and May over. Ash landed on top of May. They looked into each others eyes for a while until Daisy yelled at him.

    “You f**king b*****d Ash! you just killed our younger sister you!”


    Ash just said nothing until May back him up.

    “Ash didn’t kill Misty!”
    “What this Ash, a new girlfriend?”
    “May isn’t my girlfriend you b***t!”
    “Why you little b*****d!”
    “Why you grown up b***t!”

    Lily and Violet hold back Daisy and May and Pikachu hold back Ash which was about to end up as a fight. Delia and Professor Oak came in the fight and broke up the fight.

    “Stop it everyone! I bet if Misty was here she doesn’t want you guys to fight here”
    “Yes you right Ms Ketchum, we can fight outside!”
    “Bring it on b***t!”
    “Ash enough of you langue!”
    “Yes mom”
    “Yeah Daisy let’s go. They were here first”
    “Fine Lily but after this I’m going to fight that bas***t over there!”
    “Why you little bitc”
    “Ash don’t you finish that sentence”
    “Yes Mom!”

    Daisy. Lily and Violet headed out of the room. Nobody said anything. Ash and May were still on the floor.

    “I think you need some fresh air Ash”
    “Yes dear go get some fresh air”
    “Okay mom”
    “May can you go with Ash. I’m afraid that there will be a fight in less then five minutes”
    “Okay Ms Ketchum”

    Ash and May headed outside in the cold dark night. Ash and May sat down on a bench under a light post. May starts to lecture Ash

    “Ash I don’t believe that you can talk like that after two years!”
    “Yeah so what I’m sixteen now and your thirteen”
    “That doesn’t mean you can swear you head off”
    “Did you hear me May? I’m sixteen. SIX-TEEN”
    “I know what I heard Ash!”

    Ash walked away from May and May notice that it was just making Ash much worst. May followed him to a tree where only the full moon was light. Ash was sitting under the tree crying again. May also notice that Pikachu wasn’t with him. May knew that he wanted to be alone but with Ash so depressed that it was not safe to leave him alone. May went up to Ash and sat next to him. Ash was punching the ground again with the same hand covered in blood. May stopped him by grabbing his hand.

    “I think Misty won’t like to see her boyfriend hurting himself”
    “Tell me something May, what kind of boyfriend would kill his own girlfriend?”
    “Ash you didn’t kill her. It was just a accident”
    “I don’t think I want to be called her boyfriend after what I did to her”

    May put her hand on Ash’s cheek and turned Ash towards her.

    “You didn’t kill her Ash and even Misty would say the same”
    “Tell that to her f***ing sisters”
    “I think Misty wouldn’t want to hear that about her sisters”
    “But she said the same about them”
    “She really said that?”
    “Yeah but it was much worst”
    “Oh I see”

    Later on they laid on the grass looking at the dark blue sky covered in a of stars.

    “May?”
    “Yes Ash?”
    “I will never forgive myself if you ended up as Misty”

    May started to blush.

    “Well I will do the same if that happen to you Ash”
    Then Ash started to blush. Then a cold midnight breeze blew.

    “We better go inside now”
    “Yeah they will be wondering what happened to us”

    Ash and May got up and headed back to the hospital. Before they went in Ash said something to May.

    “Thanks May”
    “For what?”
    “For helping me to deal about Misty’s death”
    “Anything for my best friend”

    They both smile at each other and headed into the hospital.
    Last edited by midnightmoon; 29th June 2008 at 6:54 AM. Reason: Edit my mistakes

  2. #2
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    LACK of commas and full stops.
    It's kinda funny that everyone was running.
    Some of the mistakes I noticed. Check before you post.

    The nurse were running to the emergency room were the browned haired girl with a green bandana saw Ash sad as ever
    The nurse was running to the emergency room with a browned haired girl wearing a green bandana and she saw Ash looking sad.

    Everyone was waiting for the Doctor that it was past midnight till the Doctor came out.
    Everyone was waiting for the Doctor and it was past midnight when the doctor finally came out.

    “Okay Ms Ketchum”
    "Okay, Mrs Ketchum."

    May starts to lecture Ash
    May started to lecture Ash.

  3. #3
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    well that was rather odd, wasn't really advanceshipping either, don really know what it was, defidently interesting though
    Quote Originally Posted by Romke View Post
    Mmm, its a sandstorm based team and I dont know if spirittomb works well. I keep that 1 in mind Thanks! What about shedinja?

  4. #4
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    well it's my frist fanfiction and it's only the frist chapter. i don't get high grades in english so maybe my grammer isn't good. jusy please bear with me as the second chapter comes.


    Chapter 2
    “White roses”

    It was a few days after Misty’s death and it was raining very heavy. Everyone was in black and with umbrellas over there heads. They were putting Misty into her grave. Everyone was throwing white roses into her grave just before they covered her grave. After the burial Daisy went up to Ash.

    “After this I don’t want to see you face here again”
    “I have a right. I’m her boyfriend”
    “You WERE her boyfriend Ash. Your not here boyfriend anymore, not what you did to her”
    “Shut up low lifer”
    “WHAT DID YOU SAID?”

    May was talking her boyfriend Drew at the time when she heard Daisy and Ash’s voices yelling and about to start a fight.

    “Drew I have to go”
    “Why?”
    “Well Ash and Daisy are about to have a fight”
    “Well I will be there in less then ten minutes”
    “Okay see you then”
    “Bye love you”
    “Umm love you too”

    May closed her cell phone and ran to Ash and Daisy. May saw Pikachu holding Ash back and Lily and Violet were holding Daisy back.

    “Please Daisy stop this!”
    “Violet and Lily let me go!”
    “Pikachu!”
    “Let me go Pikachu. I’m really sick of this low lifer!”

    Then May came to Ash and hugged him from the back.

    “Ash this is Misty's burial site. She doesn’t want you two to fight here or anywhere else!”

    Ash and Daisy both stopped.

    “Your right May”
    “Well you should of thought of that before you started to fight Ash”
    “Yeah well thinking is hard for some people”
    “Are you pointing at me Ash Ketchum?”
    “Did I said you name Daisy?”
    “Umm no”
    “Well next time think before you talk, oh wait! I remember you can’t think. That’s why you shut down the gym”
    “You little basta--!”
    “You low lifer!”
    “Ash lets go”
    “We can go after this is fight is over”

    May grabbed Ash’s hand and dragged him away from Daisy. May dragged Ash to a shelter where everyone else was.

    “I think it will be better if we came here tomorrow Ash”
    “Yeah”

    Then Drew came and headed to May.

    “Hi babe”
    “Umm hi Drew. You remember Ash right?”
    “Oh yeah I remember now. Oh Ash I’m sorry what happen to Misty. If that happen to May I don’t know what I will do”
    “That’s really sweet Drew”
    “Well I’m your boyfriend”
    “I guess”
    “Ash I was going to ask you something about..”

    May notice that Ash wasn’t next to her. She looked around and saw Ash walking home in the rain with no Umbrella. She realise that Misty just past away and seeing her and Drew together made Ash remember about him and Misty.

    “Drew when are you leaving?”
    “Do you want me to leave already?”
    “Of course not. I’m just saying that I might not come home with you back home”
    “Why?”
    “As Ash’s best friend I have to be there for him. I afraid if I leave him something bad might happen”
    “I’m so glad to have a girlfriend as caring as you May”
    “Thanks Drew”
    “So how long are you staying?”
    “Maybe about one week”
    “One week?”
    “Is there something wrong about that?”
    “No. Its okay. So see you in one week?”
    “Yeah”
    “Okay I’m going home now”
    “Okay”
    Drew kissed May on the cheek.

    “Bye babe!”
    “Cya!”

    When Drew left May ran after Ash to see if he was okay. May was afraid that Ash could get a cold in this condition. Finally May found Ash lying down on the muddy wet road. May ran to Ash as fast as she could go. May picked up Ash who was lying on the floor. May put her hand on Ash’s forehead. Ash got a very hot fever.

    “Pikachu go get Ms. Ketchum and tell her that Ash has a fever while I will go to Ash’s place and try to cool down Ash’s fever”
    “Pikachu!”

    Pikachu ran back to the to Delia while May headed to Ash’s place. When May got there she opened the door and put Ash on the sofa. May dried up Ash and put him into bed. May got a chair and sat right next to Ash. May look at Ash. May could see Ash was in so much pain. Misty’s death had a big impact on Ash. May softly patted Ash on the head. May was worried that she might never see the Ash she knew two years ago. The eager Ash that always wanted to head to the next gym as fast as possible or the Ash that loved his Pokemon so much. May was afraid that she will never see that Ash again. May was so tried for dragging Ash that she fell asleep right next to Ash. Later on Delia arrived with Pikachu and saw May sleeping right next to Ash. Delia got a blanket to cover May. Delia patted May’s head.

    “I wish Ash had a girlfriend as caring as you May”

    Then Delia left the room with Pikachu and headed to the kitchen to make some chicken soup for Ash and some for May. Later Ash woke up and saw May right next to him. Ash patted May softly so she won’t wake up. Then Pikachu walked into Ash’s room quietly. Pikachu jumped onto Ash’s bed. Ash hugged Pikachu.

    “You were really worried about me weren’t you Pikachu?”
    “Pikachu!”
    “And so was May”

    Delia walked into the room with one bowl of chicken soup. All nice and warm. Perfect for a cold wet rainy day.

    “Thanks mom”
    “It’s okay dear”

    Then May woke up of the smell of chicken soup. May stretched and yawned.

    “Is that chicken soup?”
    “Yeah it is May”
    “Oh Ash are you feeling better?”
    “Yeah thanks to you”
    “Well it was hard dragging you know”
    “I know”
    “Well May you chicken soup is in the dinner room”
    “Thanks Ms Ketchum”

    Then Delia and May left Ash’s bedroom and headed to the kitchen. May and Delia were eating their chicken soup when May ask a question.

    “Ms Ketchum can I ask a question?”
    “Yes. What is it May?”
    “Ash said he and Misty had a fight before the accident”
    “Well all I know is that they had a big fight about something. What about you go and ask Ash?”
    “Yeah good idea”

    May left the kitchen and headed to Ash’s bedroom and sat down next to Ash who was finishing his soup.

    “Ash can I ask something?”
    “Umm sure. What is it?”
    “What did you and Misty fought about?”
    “Well it was about you May”
    “Why were you talking about me?”
    “Misty said while a was in Hoen region she said we had a relationship. Then our fight got more and more personal until I said something I should of not said to her. After that she got onto her bike and got hit by a truck”
    “So it’s my fault that Misty died?”
    “No May it’s my fault not yours”
    “But you were talking about me”
    “I said something bad that made Misty out of the house. Just because we were mentioning you doesn’t mean you killed her May”

    May ran put of Ash’s room in tears. Ash got out of his room and followed May outside. Ash grab his coat and boots and headed outside. Pikachu came up to Ash.

    “ Pikachu?”
    “Pikachu I thinks its better if you stay here”
    “Pika?”
    “I need to find May. I scared because May could do something bad or even end up like Misty. I don’t want that to happen to May”
    “Pikachu”
    “Just do it Pikachu”
    “Pika”

    Ash grabbed a umbrella and head outside in the rain looking for May.

    “May where are you?”

    A storm was closing in and the rain was getting even heavier than before. Ash was really getting worried. Finally Ash found May at the edge of a bridge.

    “MAY!”

    Ash ran and grabbed May off the bridge.

    “What the hell were you doing May. You could of get yourself killed!”
    “That’s what I was planning to do”
    “Why do you want to do that?”
    “A murder like me should not live”
    “What the hell are you talking about?”
    “You and Misty were talking about me and that ended up getting Misty killed”
    “That’s not true May!. It was an accident”
    “I don’t give a damn. It was still my fault!”

    May got free of Ash’s grip and headed back to the bridge and standing on the bar of the bridge. Ash ran up to May.

    “May please don’t do this!”
    “You can’t stop me Ash”
    “Think about everyone that care about you. What about your little brother Max?. I’m sure he doesn’t want a dead older sister!”
    “I don’t care anymore!”
    “I need you May!. I cant survive without you!”

    Then suddenly May slipped on the bar she was standing on. She fell but luckily Ash caught her by the hand.

    “I’m not going to let you go”
    “Ash your sick you can’t pull me up”
    “Stop talking rubbish! I’m not letting you go!”

    Ash pulled May up with so much power that Ash fell onto his back and May on top of him. Then they started to look into each others eyes and soon their faces came in closer and closer just about to kiss until a strike of thunder surprised them. They both got up.

    “Well..”
    “Ash thanks for saving me”
    “I don’t want you to end up like Misty”
    “Well we better go home. You still sick remember?”
    “Yeah”

    Ash opened his umbrella and put under himself and May. Both walking home together holding hand in the cold wet rain.

  5. #5
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    Please put a comma at the end of a sentence and put a rating.[I just notice that there's no rating.]
    Drew seemed so OOC. It seemed so weird that Drew would say something like 'babe'. But anyway, human DO change.

  6. #6
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    An interesting plot I have to say. Obviously as many have noted, quite a few errors. But I think you're doing great considering this is your first one.
    Speaking of which, I am writing the first chapter of my first fic as well, good luck to both of us I guess.

  7. #7
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    hey guys sorry about the spelling. I'm not the best speller in my class so i do my best anyway here is the thrid chapter. enjoy!


























    Chapter 3
    “A bunch of tears”

    A few days later Ash and May returned to Misty’s grave. Ash was holding a bunch of flowers. The same flowers he gave Misty on their first date. Ash softly place down the flowers near Misty’s grave stone.

    “I really loved her May. I wish she could see that”
    “Well I can see that Ash”
    “I know that May”
    “We better go. Misty’s sisters could come any moment”

    Ash and May start to walk away from Misty’s grave and were heading back to Ash’s home so May could pack here things back to Petalburg. They were in Ash’s bedroom when Ash ask a question.

    “May your leaving today right?”
    “Well yeah. Why ask?”
    “Well I thought that if it’s okay if I come with you. I need somewhere I can’t think about Misty”
    “Well sure. I’m sure dad and mom won’t mind”
    “Great. I’ll tell mom I’m going”
    “Well I’ll call mom and dad telling them that you coming with me”

    Later Ash and May were at the port with their luggage beside them. Everyone came to say goodbye to them. Ash and May were going on bored the ship when Pikachu was running after Ash. Ash stopped Pikachu from coming on bored.

    “Pikachu?”
    “I’m sorry buddy but I’m planning to go alone on this trip. You will just remind me of Misty if I do. I‘m trying to move on and May is going to help me”
    “Pika?”
    “Promise next time you can come”
    “Come on Ash, it’s time to go”
    “Well cya little buddy”
    “Pikachu!”

    Then the boat’s horn went which meant the boat was leaving. Ash and May went on bored the ship waving and saying goodbye to everyone. Ash yelled at Tracy

    “Tracey look after Pikachu while I’m gone okay?”
    “Sure Ash!”

    Soon the boat disappear behind the sea and soon it was night. Ash was outside looking at the sea. May came out from her room.
    “Ash it’s getting dark”
    “Yeah I know”
    “You sound sad Ash is everything okay?”
    “Yeah. I’m just opening a new chapter in my life”
    “That’s great Ash. It‘s showing that your slowly moving on”
    “Very slowly May. You see that tomorrow is Misty and I third anniversary”
    “Why didn’t you ever tell Ash?”
    “You never asked”
    “Yeah I didn’t and you still told me”
    “Well lets head inside”
    “Yeah”

    Ash and May both headed inside the room. Ash and May share a same room and bed since there were no more room on the boat. Ash and May looked at each other.

    “So.. How is this going to work?”
    “Well I sleep at the far right while you Ash sleep at the far left”
    “Okay”

    Later Ash was already in bed trying to get some sleep while May was already fast asleep. Ash turned around and was facing May who was fast asleep. Ash couldn’t stop looking at her. She was so innocent when she was asleep. Ash slowly and softly patted May on the head.

    “I didn’t know how beautiful you can be when your asleep”

    After this Ash turned around and went to sleep but May heard what Ash said. Soon May slept with a smile on her face. Next morning Ash and May were at Littleroot were Professor Birch was there to greet them. When the boat headed to the port Ash and May finally got off the boat.

    “Well it’s nice to see you again Ash and May. Wait where is Pikachu?”
    “I left Pikachu back at Pallet town”
    “Oh I see and I’m sorry about Misty”
    “Professor Birch can we not mention Misty while I’m here okay?”
    “Oh I see your trying to move on right?”
    “Yeah. Well lets head back to my lab. We can talk more there”

    Everyone was heading back to Professor’s Birch lab when Ash ask May something.

    “May?”
    “What is it?”
    “Why did we ended up here and not Petalburg?”
    “Well dad said that they are making the port at Petalburg bigger so Professor Birch is bringing us there later on”
    “So we are staying here for the night?”
    “No, we are just eating here then we will head off to Petalburg”
    “I should of know”

    After having lunch at Professor Birch’s lab they headed to Petalburg. Everything was going good until Professor Birch’s car got a flat tire.

    “What bad luck”
    “What is it Professor Birch?”
    “We seem to have a flat tire”
    “But it’s getting dark”
    “Well looks like we have to camp here”
    “Lucky I bought my sleeping bag!”
    “Good for you May”
    “Why don’t you and Ash go and get some firewood”
    “Sure”
    Ash and May headed to a near by forest and went looking for firewood. Soon Ash and May had enough firewood to last them one night. So they started to head back to Professor Birch.
    “Umm May are you sure you can carry all that firewood?”
    “Yep”
    “Okay then. We better hurry back to

    When Ash and May were nearly back to Professor Birch, May tripped over a log since that her pile of firewood is covering her face.
    “Ahh!”
    The firewood May was carrying went everywhere. Ash turned around and just caught May.
    “Are you okay May?”
    “Yeah I’m fine”
    May looked up and saw Ash’s face. She couldn’t stop looking at Ash. Ash did the same. Their faces came closer and closer. Soon they were kissing, in fact they were making out. Ash and May were so much in making out that Ash fell down to the ground with May. They were still making out. Soon they both opened their eyes and found out what they have done. They both got up.
    “I’m sorry”
    “Sorry? I just made out with my best friend and I already have a boyfriend!”
    “And your point is?”
    “Umm”
    “You made out with me too you know”
    “Yeah cause you made out with me!”
    “Bull ****!”
    “Bull **** yourself!”
    May picked up some of the dropped firewood and head back to Professor Birch. Ash picked the rest of the firewood and head back to Professor Birch. All embarrassed because he had just make out with his best friend. Ash thought of what Misty would thing of him now. Making out with his best friend. Ash thought of what he last said to Misty before she died.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*
    Flash back
    “How many times do I have to tell you that I love you Misty?”
    “Stop lying Ash. I know your not in love with me!”
    “If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be your boyfriend!”
    “I know your cheating on me Ash Ketchum!”
    “Bull **** Misty!”
    “Tell me Ash do you love me?”
    “Well..”
    “I don’t remember the last time you said you love me not until May showed up here in Kanto. So tell me Ash do you love me or not!?”
    Ash was dead silent.
    “Your in love with May right? Since you got that ribbon you cannot forget of her”
    Ash was still dead silent
    “Tell me Ash! Are you in love with May?”
    “Yes god dammit!”
    Misty was shocked. This time she was dead silent. Tears started to come out of her eyes. Misty ran out of the house burst in tears.
    “Misty!”
    Misty was on her bike. She was so much in tears that she didn’t see the truck heading towards her. Ash finally caught up to Misty but this Misty was all covered in blood.
    “Misty!”
    End of flashback
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*
    “Oh Misty please forgive me”
    Then Ash started to head back to camp where Professor Birch and May was. With that flashback still in his head.

  8. #8
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    You just HAD to kill her didn't you?

    She sings a song professing her love to Ash....and you kill her. How are you going to live with yourself?


    Okay, being serious now. Good overall plot despite numerous errors; I like the basis for this story and hope to see it continued. Good work and good luck!


    Christian and American.

    "The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen, and human stupidity. Quite frankly, I'm not so sure about hydrogen."

    Forever an Advanceshipper!

  9. #9
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    You just HAD to kill her didn't you?

    She sings a song professing her love to Ash....and you kill her. How are you going to live with yourself?



    Well i thought maybe if Misty was dead it will make the story more interesting. Well anyway i finally finish chapter 4 so enjoy!



    Chapter 4
    “Sweet dreams”

    It was the next morning and Ash woke up with a big yawn and stretch. Ash got out of his tent and smelled eggs and bacon. May greeted Ash.

    “Good morning sleepy head!

    “Ha-ha very funny May. Anyway is that eggs and bacon I smell?”

    “Yep and Professor Birch and I made it and if you don‘t hurry I will eat your breakfast!”

    “Don’t you dare!”

    “Well hurry up and come and get it!”

    Ash got up and chased May who had his breakfast. Professor Birch saw Ash and May chase each other just like they where in love. Still Ash couldn’t catch up to May. May was tempting Ash to come and get his breakfast.

    “Come here and get it Ash!”

    “Please May give it to me”

    “Come and get me first!”

    “Fine you ask for it!”

    Ash ran and grab May and carry her over his shoulder and head back to camp. May struggle to escape. When Ash and May got back Ash dropped May on the grass.

    “Hey that hurt!”

    “Well never run with my breakfast again”

    “Fine”

    May gave Ash his breakfast and Ash accept it and started to eat. After eating breakfast everyone started to pack their things and put them in Professor Birch’s car. When everything was in the car they headed to Petalburg. It was about lunch time when they arrived at Petalburg. Ash and May got their things and got off Professor Birch’s car and drove off. May and Ash headed to May’s home and rang the door bell.

    “Hello anyone home?”

    Nobody answered the door

    “Maybe you should ring the door bell again May”

    “Good idea”

    May rang the door bell again and this time someone answered the door. It was May’s mom, Caroline.

    “Hi mom!”

    “Hello dear and hello Ash”

    “Hello again”

    “Well come in”

    Everyone went inside and sat down in the living room. May started a conversation.


    “Mom where’s Max?”

    “His is on his journey in Kanto. He left a few days ago”

    “Oh I see”

    “Well that’s mean Max and I will have a battle soon”

    “I can’t wait to see that”

    “Why don’t you put your stuff in the guest room Ash”

    “Thanks. I will do that right now”

    “Well I will put my stuff in my room”

    “Okay then, I will go and cook some dinner”

    “Oh goodie! Some of mom’s home cooking!”

    Caroline smiled and headed to the kitchen and started to cook. While Ash and May went to their rooms. When Ash finish packing his stuff away he went to May. Today was the day he was going to tell his feelings to May. Ash went to May’s room.

    “May are you here?”
    “Yeah, I’m here Ash. What do you want?”

    “Well I was going to tell you something”

    “What is it Ash?”

    “Well May I really…”

    “Dinner’s ready!”

    Caroline called out that it was time for dinner.

    “Damn”

    Ash punched the wall with anger.

    “Oh well. You can tell me later Ash”

    “Umm sure”

    May left the room and so did Ash. They were both heading to the dining room. May’s dad, Norman was already at the table.

    “May! It’s nice to see you again”

    “Well it’s nice to see you again dad. You remember Ash right?”

    “How can I forget a great trainer like Ash after the battle we had a few years ago”

    “Yeah that was a great battle”

    “Well sit down and we can talk more”

    Ash and May sat down and Caroline took out a huge roast from the oven.

    “Yummy!”

    “Well dig in everyone!”

    “Yippy!”

    So everyone did that and soon the roast was all gone. After eating everyone head to bed. Ash was already in his bed when May enter his room.

    “Ash?”

    “What is it May?”

    “You were going to tell me something. What was it Ash?”

    “Well umm”

    “Well Ash?”

    “Well… umm… I was going to tell you it was time to eat”

    May was disappointed. May thought today was the day Ash would tell his feeling to her.

    “Oh okay. Well good night Ash”

    “Good night May”

    May was heading out of Ash’s room when Ash called her back.

    “May?”

    “What is it this time?”

    “Sweet dreams”

    “Sweet dreams to you too”

    May head out of Ash’s room with a big smile on her face. May went to bed still with a big smile on her face.

  10. #10
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    Well i thought maybe if Misty was dead it will make the story more interesting.
    Well you did succeed in that.

    Anyways, I've noticed something with your story...I picked it up earlier but I wasn't sure if I was correct about it then.

    Your plot is good, but it's got one major flaw in it. Your story has a timeline of "Point A moves to point B, and point B moves to point C. This is what happens at point C. After that point C moves to..." That can be seen here:

    So everyone did that
    Point A
    and soon the roast was all gone.
    Moves to point B
    After eating everyone head to bed.
    Point B causes point C
    Ash was already in his bed when May enter his room.
    point C leads to point D.

    I'm not exactly sure how to put it in a way that would help you atm...but I think that pointing it out should help you a little at the least.


    Christian and American.

    "The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen, and human stupidity. Quite frankly, I'm not so sure about hydrogen."

    Forever an Advanceshipper!

  11. #11
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    Well thx for pointing out those things Damon howe. i will do those things in mind for chapter five.

  12. #12
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    Okay pplz chapter five is here!!! i had to finish chapter five at skool so thats why i took a long time to post chapter five! i really like this chapter so i hope you do too. enjoy!!

    Chapter 5
    “Tears of a broken heart”

    It was next morning and Ash was still asleep in his room.

    “Oi sleepyhead wake up!”

    “What? Whose there?”

    Ash turned around. It was May.

    “It’s me, May”

    “Oh Good morning May”

    “Good morning? It’s afternoon already”

    “What the hell? What time is it?”

    “Two a clock”

    “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

    “Well I couldn’t be bothered to wake you up. Anyway we have somewhere to go to today”

    “Where are we going?”

    “To see Drew”

    “Oh...”

    “I’ll be back in about fifth teen minutes. Be ready by then”

    “Sure”
    After that May left Ash’s room. Ash got up slowly from his bed. Ash didn’t really wanted to see May and Drew together. It made him jealous and he still hasn’t told his feelings for her. Ash kicked the wall with angry.

    “Dammit! Why can’t I tell her? It’s only three words”

    Ash kicked the wall again but with more power. This time May heard this and went rushing into Ash’s room. May saw Ash’s head against the wall looking very distressed.
    “Ash is everything alright?”

    “I’m fine”

    “You don’t look like it”

    “Well I am”

    “You sure?”

    “Yes now leave”

    “Gee don’t have to be so angry”

    May left Ash’s room again and Ash still had his head against the wall still looking distressed. After fifteen minutes Ash and May were ready and were at Drew’s place. Drew was currently staying at a hotel .It was the Poke hotel. It was the most expensive hotel in Petalburg .When they got to Drew’s room they went to his room and rang the doorbell.
    “Drew? Are you here?”

    Nobody answered.

    “Do you think his home May?”

    “I’m sure. If he wasn’t he would call me”

    “Okay then. Ring the doorbell again”

    May rang the door bell again and still there was no reply. May decide to knock but before May could knock the door open by it self. Ash and May looked at each other and decide to enter. Ash and May looked around. May heard a sound coming from Drew’s bedroom. She put her ear next to the door. It sounded like Drew was someone else. May opened the door slowly and couldn’t believe what she saw. It was Drew making out with Dawn.

    “You b***h!"

    Ash heard this and ran to May. Ash couldn’t believe what he saw.

    “How could you do this to me Drew? I loved you and this is what you give to me?”

    “Babe…”

    “Don’t call me babe you b*****d!”

    “May, calm down!”

    “Ash how can I calm down when my boyfriend had just cheated on me”

    “Babe listen”

    “Don’t call me babe! I’m not your girlfriend anymore!”

    “Fine then May, listen to what I’m going to say because I’m only saying them once...”

    “Get to the point already!”

    “Okay May. I never like you. I was using you. The one I really love is Dawn”

    Tears started to run down May’s face.

    “You used me?”

    “Yeah didn’t you hear that?”

    “You f**king b*****d Drew!

    May ran out of the room without tears running down her face.
    “May!”

    “Well she was always a cry baby”

    “Shut up Drew”

    Ash ran out of Drew’s room chasing after May. Meanwhile May was still running and still crying. Then a truck was heading May’s direction. When Ash finally caught up to May. It was just like before. May was on the road just like Misty.

    “May!”
    Last edited by midnightmoon; 30th May 2008 at 10:18 AM. Reason: Had lots of mistakes

  13. #13
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    ......ouch. That's a b**** slap to the face. You're really being hard on Ash and May, lol.

    Well this chapter was a bit better then previous one's, though it still has a lot of mistakes in it. Also, I think I know of a way to..."spice up" your story...so to speak.

    Like I said before, you seem to have a good overall understanding of your plot, but you can't seem to get out of the "A, B, C..." pattern. What I suggest to help combat this is using far more desciption. For instance, describing Petalburg City, the way Ash or May look or their expression, the way people sound (furious, sad, joyful, etc)...you get my point.

    For instance, instead of saying:

    Ash turned around. It was May.
    You could go a little further and say something like:

    Ash groggily turned turned over and was immediately blinded by the sunlight streaming in from a nearby window. As soon as his vision cleared, he recognized the owner of the voice that awoke him to be May.

    See what I mean? Good luck and if you need any help just ask. Looking forward to reading more from you!


    Christian and American.

    "The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen, and human stupidity. Quite frankly, I'm not so sure about hydrogen."

    Forever an Advanceshipper!

  14. #14
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    ahh thx 4 that. Now i understand. Ive already finish chapter 6 and i will edit my story abit and try to make more describing.

  15. #15
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    okay here is the final chapter. i hope you guys would like this chapter. I'm making another fan fiction that continues from this story. okay hope you enjoy the last and final chapter!

    Chapter 6
    “Golden stairs and the white feather”

    “Let me in!”
    “I can‘t let you in sir”
    “I need to see her!”
    “I’m sorry but you cannot go in”

    Then the nurse shut the door of the emergency room. Ash look at the small window of the emergency door. May was in a critical condition. There was blood on her top and on her pants. Ash couldn’t bear the sight. This was just like how Misty ended up. Ash couldn’t take another death from someone he loved all his life. Ash punched the wall. Soon tears came out of his eyes. Drew and Dawn were heading to the emergency room and saw Ash bursting in tears. Dawn came to Ash and put her hand on Ash’s shoulder. Drew was just to shocked to help and left for some fresh air. Meanwhile Dawn and Ash were waiting outside the emergency room, sitting down on the chairs.

    “May will be fine Ash”

    Ash was silent. It was to hard to believe that it was happening again. His biggest fear was coming back to life.

    “I don’t want her to die Dawn”
    “May is strong. She will make it”

    Ash was holding his hands. Praying that his nightmare won’t happen again while Dawn was patting Ash on the back softly to make him feel better.

    **********

    “May wake up”
    “Hmm? Whose that?”
    “It’s me Misty”
    “Misty”
    “Open your eyes May”

    May opened her eyes. She looked around. Everything was white. The ground was soft as feathers. The breeze was light. Misty was in a white dress with a white feather in her hair. May was also in a white dress. May looked more to her left and saw golden stairs heading towards the sky.

    “Misty, where am I?”
    “Well this is a place you go before you go to heaven”
    “You mean I’m dead!?”
    “Not yet anyway”

    May started to cry.

    “I don’t want to be dead. I don‘t want to leave my friends!”
    “I know how you feel May. That’s why I haven’t walked up dose stairs yet”
    “Why?”
    “Well when I died I said to myself that before I go to heaven I want someone to look after Ash”
    “Ash?”
    “Yeah”
    “But you died because of me”
    “Well I don’t know about that. Anyway when Ash and I had a fight Ash said something to me”
    “What did he say?”
    “When I ask him if he like you guess what said?”
    “He said no?”
    “No, he said yes”
    “He did?”
    “Yeah”

    May wiped away here tears and smiled.

    “You like Ash don’t you?”
    “What?”
    “Do you like him?”
    “Would you get angry if I said yes?”
    “No. I’m actually very happy”
    “Why?”
    “Cause I know I can go to rest now in peace”

    Misty stood up and started to head to the golden stairs. May stood up as well.

    “Where are you going Misty?”
    “I’m going to rest now”
    “How do I go back?”
    “Just close your eyes”
    “But how come you didn’t do that?”
    “Ever heard of the saying ‘if you love them set them free?”
    “Yeah”
    “Well that’s what I’m doing now and if I did go back Ash and I will be never be happy, now go and see Ash”
    “Okay”
    “And May”
    “Yeah?”
    “Tell Ash that I forgive him and I also saw you and Ash making out”
    “YOU DID WHAT?”


    Misty just smiled and walked up the stairs. May closed her eyes and when she woke up she saw herself in a hospital. She wasn’t wearing the white dress anymore. She was wearing her normal clothes again. She looks to her left and saw Ash sleeping beside her. She patted Ash softly and slowly. Ash started to open his eyes. Ash saw May lying down on her bed awake. Ash holds May’s hand and put it against his cheek.

    “I’m so glad that your awake now May”
    “Ash?”
    “Yeah”
    “When I was asleep I saw someone”
    “Who was it?”
    “It was Misty”

    Ash dropped May’s hand.

    “What did she say?”
    “She said that she forgives you and she also saw our making out a few days ago”
    “SHE DID WHAT?”
    “Yeah that what I said”
    “What else did she said?”
    “She also said that she loved you very much”
    “She really said that?”
    “No, but I could tell in her smile”
    “Well I see”
    “Yeah”

    Both stayed silent until Ash said something.

    “May?”
    “Yes Ash?”
    “I’ve been trying to tell you something for awhile now”
    “What is it?”
    “Well it’s that May I umm… I really like you”
    “Well Ash I really like you too”
    “Really?”
    “Yeah”

    Ash got up with excitement.

    “YES!”
    “Calm down Ash”
    “How can I calm down? I’ve been waiting for you to say that for a long time”
    “Well I guess”
    “When you get better I’m going to tell the whole world how much I love you”
    “Well I will do it too”

    Ash sat back down next to May. May sat up next to Ash and gave him a big kiss on the lips. With so much pressure Ash fell down onto May’s bed. Then suddenly they started to make out again. Then out of the blue, one of May’s nurse came in to give May’s daily medicine. When she enter she saw Ash and May making out. Ash and May looked at the nurse who was petrified of what she had just saw.

    “This is a bad time isn’t Miss May?”
    “Umm yeah”
    “I will just leave your medicine on the table okay?”
    “Sure”

    The nurse put the medicine on the table and left Ash and May alone in May’s room. Then the nurse got a “DO NOT DISTURB” sign on May’s door. The nurse smiled as she walked away while Ash and May were making out still. Then May’s bedroom window suddenly opened. Ash and May stopped making out and a white feather blew in. May recognize the feather.

    “What’s the matter May?”
    “Well I recognize this feather”
    “Really? Where have you seen it before?”
    “In Misty’s hair before she left”
    “So you mean she was just here?”
    “Yeah and maybe she just saw us making out again”
    “SHE DID WHAT?”
    “Never mind Ash. She is happy for the both of us”
    “How do you know?”
    “She told me before she left”
    “Where did she go?”
    “She went to heaven”
    “Oh”

    They both were silent. May put the white feather into her hair. Ash and May both got up from the bed and looked out the window. They both looked at each other and kissed.

    “I love you sooo much Ash”
    “I love you sooo much as too”

    They both hold hands and kissed again and looked out there window. Smiling at heaven.


    THE END!

  16. #16
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    Hhhmmm....interesting end to an interesting story.

    That chapter was slightly better written then the others...keep up the good work and you'll get the hang of it sooner or later.


    Christian and American.

    "The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen, and human stupidity. Quite frankly, I'm not so sure about hydrogen."

    Forever an Advanceshipper!

  17. #17
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    Keep up the work. I liked it so far. It's nice, but you may want to double check your grammar and punctuations.

    This is the start of a brand new journey...

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