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Thread: Under the Mistletoe (AAML) Rated G rewritten

  1. #1
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    Default Under the Mistletoe (AAML) Rated G rewritten

    Merry Christmas! Well, here is this fic I've rewritten. It's pretty much the same thing except that I added a few things. Hope you all like it!

    Under The Mistletoe

    It was Christmas Night and everybody was reunited with their families in their homes. Everyone was happy and warm despite the cold weather there was. However, in one house in Kanto, a young black-haired boy of fifteen felt the happiest person in the whole world because of his latest achievement: becoming the new Champion of the Hoenn League. Of course that was not the only reason he was so happy. The other reason was that his family and all of his friends were together and sharing a great time. Still, there was something that made him happier. Anew feeling he hadn't notice before and did not what it was, either.

    They all were in Bill's mansion, poke-maniac Ash, Brock and misty have met while they were going around Kanto. He had invited everyone Ash had invited to his house to celebrate Christmas since he would not be able to got Ash's party, too much work. Anyhow, they were there enjoying the party.

    As decided to walk up to the terrace, a quite place so he could thing about his new found feeling. He could see it was snowing and everything was covered by snow. His yellow buddy, Pikachu, jumped into his shoulder and cooed its name.

    "Pikachu!" exclaimed the youngster. "Hiya, buddy." He said while caressing it.

    He continued walking to the terrace and a little apart from the party as some lyrics came to his mind and started singing to himself in a low voice.

    There a feeling I'm getting
    I just can't explain
    Makin' me glad tonight
    Maybe it's Christmas
    Maybe the snow
    Maybe the mistletoe


    In the other side of the room, a red-haired girl saw him going to the balcony. She smiled at herself, and some lyrics came to her mind too. She was sitting alone in the table she was sharing with May. May was dancing with Drew, Max was talking with Professor Oak, and Brock was nowhere to be found.

    There's a secret I'm keepin'
    That no one can hear
    A feeling deep in my heart
    Maybe this Christmas
    My true love will show
    Under the mistletoe


    Misty felt a little hungry and decided to move to another table which was full of food. Ash was gazing at the sky and the snow fall as continued thinking about that new feeling, which he only felt when Misty was around. 'What could it be?' He wondered.

    Jolly ol' St. Nicholas
    Before the night is through
    There’s something very special that
    I'd like to say to you
    Merry, merry Christmas
    I'd like you to know


    'I wish I could catch Ash under the mistletoe.' Thought Misty, blushing a bit while walking to the table full of food.

    I'm hopping that I meet someone
    Under the mistletoe


    Ash turned around and took a look at the party. Everyone they'd met during their travels was there.

    Now there's a crowd at the party

    Misty looked at all the people there, and sure enough all of their friends.

    Our friends are all here

    Ash and Misty sighed simultaneously and smiled at themselves from where they were.

    Everyone's warm and bright.

    Misty looked at Ash from where she was, though it was only for a second. She quickly turned to her plate when she saw him looking in her direction.

    'Maybe I'll meet him today under the mistletoe. If I only knew where it is...' she thought as she looked at him out of the corner of her eye.

    Maybe I'll meet him
    Where hearts are aglow
    Under the mistletoe


    Ash looked up and saw the mistletoe, then stared back at the party where everyone seemed not to know he was there.

    Maybe I'll just stand here
    And no one will know
    I'm under the mistletoe


    He felt a little cold and decided it was time to go back to the party. He still didn't know what was that warm feeling but decided to worry about it later.

    "Boy this party is crowded!" He said as he walked through the people. Then, he saw a table full of desert and someone who was sitting there but did not know who it was. "Hey, wait a minute! There're Christmas cookies over there! Let's go get some, Pikachu!" he said gleefully as his stomach grumbled.

    "Pika!" exclaimed the Pokemon agreeing.

    "Hi, Ash." Greeted the girl who was sitting at the table, happily.

    "Oh. Hi, Misty." Said Ash a bit surprised.

    "Great party, huh?" commented Misty.

    "Yeah. We were just going to get something to eat." said Ash shortly.

    "Hey, did you see Nurse Joy?" commented again Misty, trying to make a conversation with Ash.

    "Yeah. Maybe you should go tell Brock." Teased Ash.

    "Maybe now." said Misty, thinking what would happen if she'd tell Brock.

    "Anyway, can we squeeze past you? We're pretty hungry." Said Ash.

    "Oh, sure. Okay. Um...Ahh!" said Misty while standing up to go to he table where she had been sitting with May.

    Jolly ol' St. Nicholas (jolly ol’ St. Nicholas)
    Before the night is through (before the night is through)There's something very special that (there's something very special that)
    I'd like to say to you (I'd like to say to you)
    Merry, merry Christmas (Merry, merry Christmas)
    I'd like you to know (I'd like you to know)

    After eating and grabbing some cookies, Ash walked back to the balcony. [I/]'I sure hope no one comes here, especially misty.'[I/] He thought.

    I'm hopping that I don't get caught
    Under the mistletoe


    Misty continued walking to her table with a plate full food. "There's a lot of people and I think they still coming." Misty murmured to herself.

    There's a crowd at the party

    "Everyone single one of our friends is here, Pikachu." He said to his friend.

    Our friends are all here

    'Everyone seems so happy.' Ash and Misty thought at the same time.

    Everyone's warm and bright

    Misty sat at her table and stared at Ash again. 'Maybe he'll find out someday.' She thought with a dreamy look on her face.

    Maybe he'll find out
    You just never know
    Under the mistletoe


    Ash continued looking at his friends chatting and dancing as he began to get bored.

    Maybe I'll stand here
    Maybe I'll go


    'Maybe I should tell him.' Misty thought as she stood up and walked to the balcony where Ash was standing.

    Maybe this Christmas
    I might let him know


    'I better go somewhere else. It's getting cold but I have to be careful since I don’t want to get-' he thought but his thoughts were cut off when he saw Misty coming in his direction. 'Oh, no. I gotta-'

    Maybe this Christmas
    I just might get--uh-oh


    Misty stood up in front of him, smiling. Ash blushed a bit but tried to hide it immediately as he smiled back.

    "Hi, Ash. Did you get something to eat?" She asked kindly.

    "Uh, yeah." he answered nervously.

    "Um, Ash. Did you realize we're standing under the mistletoe?" Misty asked quietly as she blushed furiously after she acknowledged the Mistletoe under their heads.

    "Huh? Waaa!" exclaimed Ash blushing even more than Misty. For a second he had completely forgotten he was standing under the mistletoe.

    His natural reaction was to get away from there and Misty, fast. He started walking away from her and towards the table once again.

    "Ash! Where are you going?" She called after him, seeing him flee.

    "Uh, I'm getting some Christmas cookies!" he answered quickly without thinking.

    "You just got some cookies!" she exclaimed.

    "Yeah, I know! Come on, Pikachu" said Ash hurriedly.

    "What's his problem, Pikachu?” Asked Misty to the yellow Pokemon, who was standing besides her with the same face of confusion.

    "Pika-pika!" it said and shook its head.

    "Come on, Pikachu!" called Ash again as he turned around to look at Misty and Pikachu but he continued walking backwards towards the table.

    Misty looked up behind Ash. "Ash, look out for the..." said Misty trying to warn him from the table behind him.

    "Waaa!" yelled Ash.

    Misty closed her eyes when she saw him hit the table. "Never mind." she said looking at her friend who was now on the floor and all covered by food. Then she walked up to him to help him up. Brock, who saw what happened yelled at them from where he was and told them to look up. Ash saw horrified a mistletoe, which was hunging above their heads. Misty blushed madly and then saw that the mistletoe had been placed there on purpose by Brock, since he was holding it with a fishing rod.

    Ash turned around to face Brock, angry for doing that and as he was facing Brock Misty kissed him on the cheek. Ash's angered disappeared as he stood there dumbfounded watching Misty leave.

    The End
    Last edited by misty_aquamaster; 27th December 2006 at 7:46 PM. Reason: I uploaded the wrong document, sorry.
    Please read & review my Fanfiction:
    Friendship, Love, Rivalry and Misunderstandigs
    Now on Chapter 19 !!

  2. #2
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    omg strange coincidence, I was listening to that song when I read this XD

    and this fic was very cute! ^_^
    Last edited by shoujoai-fangirl; 25th December 2006 at 7:04 AM.
    "When you're miserable, you need to make someone even more miserable than yourself" ~ Lucy, Elfen Lied

    Yurilicious Venus Versus Virus banner made by me. Sumire x Lucia FTW! ^^
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  3. #3
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    That's really sweet, and just in time for christmas! I liked what you did with the song and different colours, very effective

  4. #4
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    No offense, but I really don't see any difference between this version and your original one. What exactly did you change while rewritting it? I couldn't find a single difference between the two. I wouldn't really have choosen to put "Rewritten" in the title.

    Besides the fact that the story was exactly the same, there were a lot of typos I noticed, some of which are even in the original.

    Quote Originally Posted by misty_aquamaster
    As turned around and took a look at the party. Everyone they've met was there.
    I don't think this really counts as a typo, but it just seems awkward to read. I'd suggest you change it to 'Everyone they'd met during their travels was there'. It just sounds better.

    Quote Originally Posted by misty_aquamaster
    Misty looked at all the people there, and sure there were all of their friends.
    This sentence doesn't make sense. What do you mean by 'and sure there were all of their friends'? Do you mean 'and sure enough, all of their friends were there'?

    Quote Originally Posted by misty_aquamaster
    Ash looked up and saw the mistletoe, then stared back at eh party where everyone seemed not to know he was there.
    You spelled 'the' wrong. Just a small typo this time.

    Quote Originally Posted by misty_aquamaster
    'Maybe I'll meet him today under the mistletoe. If I only knew where it is...' she thought as she looked at him by the corner of her eye.
    I think you mean 'out of the corner of her eye', becaue I don't think he was by the corner of her eye.

    Quote Originally Posted by misty_aquamaster
    It's getting cold but I have to be careful since I'd don’t want to get-' he thought but his thoughts were cut off when he saw Misty coming in his direction.
    Again, just a small typo this time. You wrote 'I'd' instead of 'I'

    Quote Originally Posted by misty_aquamaster
    Misty stood up in front of him, smiling. Ash blushed a bit but hid it immediately.
    Uh...what did hide his blush with?

    Quote Originally Posted by misty_aquamaster
    Misty asked quietly as she blushed furiously after she acknowledged the Mistletoe under their heads.
    You wrote a 'under' instead of 'above'.

    I give this story a 1.5/10, since you really didn't do anything but put the song down in words with slightly better description. The different colored words also hurt my eyes.

  5. #5
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    Thanks for your reviews everyone! Fez the Mysfit Elf thank you very much for your criticism, I like when people actually tell me what I did wrong since it helps me to improve. You were right there were any changes but that was because since I was trying to uploaded fast on Christmas so I uploaded the original instead of this one.

    If you read it again, you should see that there are not as many mistakes as the first one (I hope I eliminated all of my mistakes, though.) There are not many changes since I did not want to change much of my first one-shot. I changed the ending a bit, though. Thanks once again for your review.
    Please read & review my Fanfiction:
    Friendship, Love, Rivalry and Misunderstandigs
    Now on Chapter 19 !!

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